"Ruth Ashmore," was the brainchild of Edward Bok, or the Ladies Home Journal. It was also the "nom de plume" of writer, Isabel A. Mallon (1857 - 1898), who also wrote under that name. After Bok had taken over the Ladies Home Journal in 1889, he sought a motherly columnist who could provide useful advice to young girls. Unable to find one, he wrote a sample of "Side Talk with Girls" under the name "Ruth Ashmead" to demonstrate exactly what he was looking for in a column.

After he mislaid the draft copy, his staff read it and convinced him to run it in the magazine, as it was the "best stuff for girls they have ever read." After the first column appeared, Ashmead was soon changed to Ashmore, and in January 1890, hundreds of letters poured in to "Ruth Ashmore." Bok convinced Isabel Mallon to take over the popular column, and she later went on to write two books for girls and young women.

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Proper Place Setting Etiquette

Correctly drawn diagram of a place setting, with no more than 3 forks on the left. If a 4th fork was to be added on the left, it would replace the cocktail fork, and the cocktail fork would be moved to the right of the place setting, and to the right of the knife. 

In the United States' Colonial period, the only flatware on a dining table was a knife, fork, and possibly a spoon, for each person. With stacked tablecloths, one atop another for each course, explain Wendell and Wes Schollander, in the book Forgotten Elegance, "Part of the reason for this was that the tablecloth was removed after every course. To have a lot of silver and many glasses on the table would have made the removal of the tablecloth too hard.           

The fork is the only utensil that can be found at three sides of a place setting. 

When the change to service à la Russe took place in the 1860s and 1870s, the tablecloth stayed in place throughout the entire meal. In addition, the servants were busy carving and serving food. It now made sense to put out all the silver the diner would need and leave it there throughout the entire meal. The footman had other things to do and less time to hand out silverware. In addition, the mechanization of the production of silverware, together with a drop in the price of silver, meant the host now acquired more silverware. 

 An individual"bird knife and fork" in the Chantilly pattern. The game course could consist of partridge, pheasant, duck, woodcock, snipe or other popular birds eaten in the 1800's. The bird knife was the forerunner of the steak knife we know today, after a serrated edge was added.

There were some practical limits. Clearly if the hostess put out the eight or ten forks one would use at a formal meal, the diners would be too spread out to comfortably talk to each other. Convention quickly settled on three or four forks as the maximum number the hostess could put out so guests could still talk easily to their neighbors. For some twenty years after the Civil War there was disagreement about whether three or four forks were proper.        

The three forks on the left, as set for a formal meal, match with the corresponding knives on the right. This formal dinner setting's menu included a caviar first course, a cream soup second course, a fish course, a dinner course, then a salad course, then dessert. The utensils directly above the plate are always for dessert, (save the salt, pepper, or condiment spoon and possibly a butter spreader.)

In the end, three forks won out – perhaps because the game course became less common. But, because this was a change and an arbitrary number, it was necessary to keep reminding people that they should never put out more than three forks at a table setting." –From the book, "Forgotten Elegance"

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Pinky Fingers

Please keep your “pinky” curled, and we'll offer you some of these yummy treats.  

Many people mistakenly think, and actually still teach others, that one’s pinky finger should be extended when one is drinking tea from a cup. This is not considered proper by any trusted etiquette authorities. It is what is commonly known as an “affectation” that has been promoted by television and the media for some time now, just as women eating and drinking while wearing gloves, has been promoted in period dramas and films. As Judith Martin put it, these little nuances help with what “is evidently intended to add a touch of what passes for ‘class.’” However, they are absolutely incorrect.

Curl your fingers as much as you can.

Many anthropologists and sociologists believe this habit was acquired hundreds of years ago, when the poor servants of the wealthy landowners and royalty in Europe, watched how their “Lords and Ladies” dined. They believe the servants picked up the habit of keeping a finger extended while drinking and dining.

And look, we don't thrust our pinky fingers out to pour the tea, either...

Only the wealthy could afford to purchase salt and exotic spices, like nutmeg, at their tables. Foods were eaten with one’s hands and a knife. Utensils were not used at many tables then. When dining, these wealthy people would keep the “pinky” finger extended when scooping up foods so that they could keep grease off of that finger. The finger could then be dipped into the salt or spices needed to season their foods. This kept grease and food particles out of the dishes holding the spices.
                          

Pinky fingers are perfect for “pinky rings,” not for sticking out while drinking tea.

Others think it started when tea and handle-less cups from China became popular in Europe. They believe tea drinkers would keep the pinky out because the cup was too hot to hold. However, the Chinese have never extended fingers in that manner, nor have the Japanese when drinking tea from cups without handles, so why would the British? 

The traditional cups that the Chinese use, still do not have handles to this day. These cups are held in the palm of the hand. Old artwork from the time, proves this as well. Perhaps the size of the hand holding the cup affected whether or not a pinky finger was left dangling in the air with some tea drinkers?

Old artwork can be very helpful in showing a period as it truly was lived.

Coffee houses, at which hot coffee was served, were very fashionable in England prior to tea drinking becoming the trend. There is no debate though on how to drink coffee from a cup with regard to pinky fingers being ridiculously thrust out. The only debate with coffee, is that in many countries, it is still socially acceptable for one to pour his or her hot coffee into the saucer, in order for it to cool down to a drinkable temperature more quickly. Pouring one's coffee into the saucer to drink, has not been socially acceptable in many other countries, since the early to mid-1800s. 

Hot chocolate was also drunk in similar, but oftentimes taller, cups. Saucers with deeper wells or “cages” were the norm for many years with these sets for hot chocolate. Also called “trembleuse” in France or “mancerina” in Spain, the saucers were designed to protect the cups from the “trembling” hands of elderly hot chocolate drinkers. Again, pinky fingers were seemingly not an issue.

Here are two etiquette violations in one image~ Drinking with gloves on and sticking the pinky finger out.

Today, most all etiquette authorities agree; The proper way to hold a tea cup is with one or two fingers of the right hand put through the hole of the cup handle, while balancing the cup with your thumb on the top of the handle. Some etiquette consultants recommend “pinching” the tea cup handles to hold the cup. Either way, your other fingers should be curled beneath the handle. — By Maura J. Graber, The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, 2005

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and "Thinking French"

Manners are a form of human progress; man in the twentieth century has not only reached the moon, he is advanced to the stage where spitting is considered indecent.

“Another treatise on savoir-faire defines manners prettily as the 'fusion of the movements of the mind and the heart.' Manners, it goes on, are a form of human progress; man in the twentieth century has not only reached the moon, he has advanced to the stage where spitting is considered indecent. There have, of course, been regressions, as when Edward VII made eating asparagus with one's fingers fashionable. 

“But politeness is not restricted to table manners. There is, for instance, the politeness of the bed. On his wedding night, the husband should, like *Renan, 'masturbate in the bathroom so as not to pester his bride.' This mixture of the practical and romantic is the mark of a people who have managed to combine the  unashamed celebration of instinct with a multitude of small, complicated observances.”

Victorian asparagus server ~ It was Edward VII who made eating asparagus with one's fingers fashionable. 

“More than the mechanical practice of etiquette, politeness in its highest form is a state of mind, a path to virtue, a philosophical system which teaches how to cushion the rude shocks of life. It permits, in French society, what Henry James calls 'the inarticulate murmur of urbanity.' At its most refined, it is a cross between Confucian politeness based on mastery over oneself and the maieutic system of Plato, in which ideas are brought out through questioning.  It postulates that the oblique is better than the direct. If someone tells you what you already know, appear grateful. Never say 'you misunderstood me,' but 'I explained myself badly.' 

“When someone asks about your health, it is to be told 'I am well, thank you,' and not to be given a medical bulletin. This was Swann's great mistake. Never praise too highly and never condemn outright. Do not say 'de Gaulle's speech was terrible,' but 'too much had been expected of the speech for it to be anything but disappointing.' The goal of conversation is to sustain a high level of urbanity. It is less important to be good or moral or honest than to be well brought up. This is an attempt to salvage order and cohesion in social relations, and it is also protection against intimacy, for it encourages and maintains a minimal distance even between close friends.”

Ernest Renan, French philosopher, historian, and scholar of religion, a leader of the school of critical philosophy in France • 1823 —1892

“The observance of the proprieties forbids the investigation of motives. As Chamfort said: 'I have renounced the friendship of two men; the first because he never spoke to me of himself and the second because he never spoke to me of myself.' This form of courtesy becomes second nature, remembered in the most extreme moments. The Marquis de Montaignac, competing in the first French automobile race, doffed his hat while passing another car near Perigueux, sideswiped it, and landed in a ditch. His dying words: 'I excuse you entirely, you are not to blame, it was I who struck you, please accept my most heartfelt apologies.'

“Modern life seems less and less suited to such exacting standards, and in recent years, France has singled itself out as the country where motorists are most violent to one another. The reverse of politesse is a rudeness that quickly escalates to violence and homicide. The same people who once considered it essential to wear hats so they could doff them, now kill one another over parking space.” — From Sanche de Gramont's, 1969 “The French - Portrait of a People”

*Ernest Renan, French philosopher, historian, and scholar of religion, a leader of the school of critical philosophy in France • 1823 —1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor  for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette: The French Politesse

  Anne d'Arpajon, aka "Madame Etiquette" ~A French aristocrat and first lady of honour to Queens of France, Marie Leszczyńska and Marie Antoinette, Anne d'Arpajon was called"Madame Etiquette" by Marie Antoinette for her insistence that no minutia of court etiquette ever be disregarded or altered in any way.
   (Above is Judy Davis, playing "Madame Etiquette" to Kirsten Dunst's Marie Antoinette, in the movie of the same name.)

France has maintained a ceremonial tradition directly derived from the usages of court life, when a breach in protocol could cost a courtier his apartment at Versailles, when royal infants were born in public, and when foreign princesses arriving to wed the French King were requested to disrobe completely at the border and change into French clothes. France has an almost oriental sense of decorum. As a Chinese professor told Giraudoux: 'Our countries were made to get along. They are the only ones which both have a cuisine and a politesse.'  

But with the Jacobin reaction against the courtly tradition, good manners were denounced as a class weapon. There arose a countertradition of deliberate gruffness. Rudeness in the Jacobin mentality was a way for the common man to affirm his equality. If you called a man a bougre  or a jean-foutre (the two most common Jacobin epithets)  you showed that you were as good as he was. In contemporary France these two traditions coexist. 

Visitors are baffled by the tangle of perfect courtesy and incredible rudeness. This does not mean that some Frenchmen are rude and others are polite. It means that the same man who kisses a lady's hand in a drawing room will half an hour later be grossly insulting to a fellow motorist at a red light. Such inconsistency is only possible because good manners are considered a form of currency which makes it possible to obtain certain amenities in life and thus should be used thriftily and not on strangers.

The polite tradition is considered a rampart of French civilization, a code of behavior which makes life in society possible. Since the 12th century, books on etiquette have been advising the French on how to mop up the sauce and blow their noses. In 1559 Mathurin Cordier wrote in his Mirror of Youth for the Formation of Good Manners and Civility: 'If you blow your nose with two fingers and snot falls on the ground, place your foot over it.' 

Politeness in the French sense is not natural, but contrived. It is precisely because it is artificial that it is recognized as a mark of special attention. It is, as Montesquieu remarked, an embellishment. To present his hand to a lady passing from one room to another he rushes toward her as though she were in danger of falling; he runs to pick up a glove or a handkerchief with as much precipitation as if he were withdrawing it from a fire.

The French gendarmerie's book of etiquette, which is called Advice from an Old to a Young Gendarme describes the correct way to shake a hand:  'The way to shake a hand is equally a sign of good education. It must not be squeezed, or brandished, or slackly dropped. The shaking of the hand must be straightforward and without brusqueness. Too brief, it is discourteous; too prolonged, it indicates a familiarity which is permitted only among intimates.'  Attention must be paid this basic daily ritual of French life. The factory foreman spends ten to fifteen minutes each morning shaking the hands of all the workers in his keep. The busy waiter in a café, his hands wet from rinsing cups and saucers, extends his folded elbow like an amputee to regular customers. Ostracism in France is to spend a day without shaking anyone's hand." — From Sanche de Gramont's, 1969 “The French - Portrait of a People”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Business in China

Author Sharon Schweitzer in Beijing at the Chinese Real Estate Chamber of Commerce

Business Dress/Appearance

The Mao jacket has gone and conservative professional attire is now seen in the commercial world. Appearance and first impressions are important in Chinese business circles. Wealth is admired. Men and women wearing tailored, well-made suits are considered successful. Men usually wear suits and ties in conservative and neutral colors. 

Most women wear modest suits, pantsuits, dresses or skirts with low two- to three-inch heels. For men and women, lightweight suits are appropriate during the summer and in southern regions. Designer clothing, high-quality shoes, and minimal accessories are recommended. Name brands signify your rank and status in the hierarchy.

Gifts

Gifts are exchanged at initial and later meetings; coordinate these in advance with an internal source. Purchase more gifts than anticipated for those you may meet unexpectedly. Use both hands to present and receive. More senior members receive different gifts that are not expensive. Beautifully wrap gifts in red or gold; avoid black or white paper.

Business gift ideas include items made domestically and small office items including pens, trays, bowls, and corporate and desk memorabilia. Businesswomen enjoy cosmetics and silk scarves. 

Avoid Scotch, clocks, straw sandals, a stork or crane, or handkerchiefs. 

White and black items represent mourning; scissors, knives, and cutlery represent the severing of relationships.

Introductions, Greetings, Personal Space

In China, greetings include a slight bow of 30 degrees from the shoulders, for three seconds. Observe whether your host offers to shake hands. International businesswomen may need to extend a hand to indicate they are willing to shake hands. Handshakes are not as firm as in the West; expect a softer, briefer handshake. 

Applause may occur as a greeting; applaud in response.

Introductions are formal and usually involve an intermediary. Rank and status determine greeting. Not everyone present may necessarily be greeted or introduced. Chinese stand two arms’ lengths apart and avoid physical contact.

Lower your eyes when bowing.

Holidays and Festivals

Some Chinese holidays are determined by the lunar calendar and change from year to year. Floating holidays are designated with an asterisk. On certain holidays, an office may remain open with limited staff. Check with your embassy or trade office before planning business travel.

Chinese business slows considerably during the Spring Festival. Avoid business visits during this two- to three-week holiday period. 

Chinese Holidays and Festival Dates

January 1–2 New Year’s Day
Late January/February Spring Festival and Chinese New Year∗
April Ching Ming Festival (Tomb Sweeping Day)∗
March 8 International Women’s Day
May 1 Labor Day
May 4 Youth Day
June 1 Children’s Day
June Duanwu Festival or Dragon Boat Festival∗
July 1 Anniversary of Founding of the Communist
Party of China
August 1 People’s Liberation Army Day
September Mid-Autumn Festival∗
October 1-3 National Day∗

                                                       

From our newest Contributor, Sharon Schweitzer JD. Sharon is a cross-cultural consultant, corporate trainer, and the international award winning author of Access to Asia. Her work and travels have taken her to over 60 countries on 7 continents. With over 20 years’ experience providing consulting and training to more than 100,000 attorneys and corporate executives in law firms and global corporations, Sharon's been quoted by the New York Times, Fortune Magazine, and numerous international media outlets. Connect with her at Sharon Schweitzer or find her new book at Access to Asia


🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Playing "Whist"

The Amalgamated Female Whist Players of America? "If you are a bystander, walk around the table and look over the hands of the players."

"Rules That Scientific Players Will Most Certainly Approve"

The following eight rules, which were adopted by the third annual congress of the Amalgamated Female Whist Players of America, are formulated to prevent the learner from unintentionally making the game dull and uninteresting. They should be carefully memorized by the beginner:


First — Conversation during play is limited strictly to the weather, fashion, society, the drama, music, art, sports, the new woman, the last few tricks taken and everything else that may tend to break the tiring monotony habitual to the new players. The success of the game depends on this.


Second —Each player should at once throw out a hint as to the quality of her hand, her satisfaction or dissatisfaction with it, and her approval or disapproval of each play. This will make you a popular partner with the men.


Third—A player should never wait to lead until the preceding trick is turned and quitted. Delays of this sort are always unnecessary and make the game slow.


Fourth —Never fail, as the second trick is turned, to inquire what is trump. Repeat the inquiry at short intervals throughout the band. This is the easiest way to fix it indelibly in your memory.


Fifth—Frequently a card should be played in such a manner as to call particular attention to it. If you think your partner is not aware of it, touch your card and say: "Now, remember, I played that!" He might have finished the game with the impression that it had played itself. 


Sixth—When you have played the highest in suit, and it is your partner's play, never fail to remind him that it is your trick. He might think it belonged to your uncle in California.


Seventh—When you are accused of revoking stoutly deny it. If it is proved against you, you can explain at length just how you came to do it. If you discover your own revoke, never fail to revoke a second time. In this way the first error will escape notice for a little longer. This will make all the men glad they are in the game.


Eighth—If you are a bystander, walk around the table and look over the hands of the players. Do not forget to call frequent attention to the game during the play of each hand. This will prevent your husband's friends from feeling neglected. — Los Angeles Herald, 1896

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Card Games

“Betting at cards is vulgar and something to be avoided. The habits of English society, however, sanction the staking of small sums, but even this is to be discountenanced as far as may be.” Vingt-et-un is French, and literally is translated to “twenty-one.” It's first known use was in 1772. Refers to American “Blackjack” when card playing.

Entertaining and Card Playing

Refusing to Play — 
Never urge any one who seems to be unwilling to play a game of cards. They may have conscientious scruples in the matter which must be respected.

It is not kind, however, to refuse to play, if conscience does not dictate the refusal, when a game cannot be made up without you.

Understanding, The Game —

Do not attempt to play, however, unless you know the game moderately well, for it is especially unjust, if you have a partner, to allow him or her to suffer through your ignorance.

Precedence In Cards —
In a game of cards married and elderly people take the precedence over young and unmarried ones.

Proposing A Game Of Cards —
It is the privilege of the host and hostess to suggest cards as a means of amusement for their guests. The latter should never call for them. 

On the other hand, cards should not be brought out at every visit, because some might prefer conversation to playing.

It is best in large assemblages to furnish the cards and tables, and allow the guests to play or not at their option, now and then exercising a little friendly aid in seeking for people disposed to play in making up a game.

New Cards —

New cards should be provided on every occasion.

Husband And Wife Playing Together —
Husband and wife should not play together in the same game, either as partners or antagonists, for they are so well acquainted with each other's modes of playing that they possess an unfair" advantage over others.

Cheating At Cards —
Never violate the rules of a game, and by all means never be guilty of cheating. If, however, you detect another guilty of either of these breaches of good manners, either point out the error or the intentional wrong in a quiet manner or let it pass.

Never get excited or lose your temper. People who are liable to these irregularities had best abstain from playing altogether.

"Whist" —
Do not keep up a continuous conversation during a game, which will distract your own mind and that of others from the cards. Give your whole attention to the matter in hand, and procure at least comparative silence. "Whist" is defined in Webster "a game of cards so called because it requires silence and close attention."

Haste In Playing —
Never hurry any one who is playing. It is necessary, in playing their best, that they should take their own time without interruption.

Betting At Cards —
Betting at cards is vulgar and something to be avoided. The habits of English society, however, sanction the staking of small sums, but even this is to be discountenanced as far as may be.

Meddling With The Cards —
Never finger the cards whilst they are being dealt. Not only do not actually look at the cards before they are all dealt out, but do not seem to do so. Let your cards lie before you until all are dealt and you are at liberty to take them in your hand.

Chess And Other Games —

The rules of etiquette concerning cards apply with equal force to chess and all other games of skill or chance.

Knowledge Of Cards And Other Games —
It is desirable, unless we have religious scruples in the matter, that we should all have a tolerable knowledge of these various games, in order that we may contribute to the amusement of others, and not run the risk of being accused of being selfish and impolite.— E.B. Duffey, 1877

♠️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor  for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia