Etiquette at Home in 1884

A lady in society is treated with a certain deference which manifests itself in delicate attentions. Children in society are treated with considerate kindness, which is always consid erately expressed. There are rules of etiquette which relate to the many little attentions and formulas. These in society are carefully graded, and often rigidly enforced. They may be made onerous, and so oppressive. But etiquette is clearly defined. 

It should Not be Reserved For Society Alone

The ease and neglige of home often induce carelessness as to etiquette, the impression being that politeness and polish are only needed in society, and that carelessness of manner is appropriate to home life. All such views are erroneous. There is positive comfort in politeness, and etiquette is as important at home as abroad. We distinguish etiquette as the outward expression of politeness. It has to do with forms and attentions, which are external. A lady in society is treated with a certain deference which manifests itself in delicate attentions. Children in society are treated with considerate kindness, which is always considerately expressed. There are rules of etiquette which relate to the many little attentions and formulas. These in society are carefully graded, and often rigidly enforced. They may be made onerous, and so oppressive. But etiquette is clearly defined. 

We do not advocate an etiquette for the home so rigid as to be burdensome. Yet it may be the means of teaching politeness to children. Those who have an instinctive politeness easily fall in with the rules of etiquette. But all have not this instinct. Some are careless, rude, selfish, inconsiderate. These need discipline. To give this is not to lecture on the rules of good order or politeness. It must be instilled more by example than precept. And where the parents are careful to observe the forms of politeness, its importance is naturally impressed and its rules are speedily learned. Therefore, all deference that would be shown in public society should mark intercourse at home. And if husband and wife are courteous, children imbibe and practice it. Example is the great teacher in this line.

Beyond this courtesy exerts a very decided influence on character. Trained to the etiquette of politeness gives a balance and eveness to character. Its very inception involves self-control and conscious restraint. It is, with most, second nature. The forms and rules are acquired and the habits slowly grafted on. Where this is done, so much has been accomplished in the line of self control, that its influence extends to temper and habits of mind. Such persons are apt to be self-contained in all emergencies. A gentleman will be such under all provocations and amid all, receive something more than polish. It is something to gracefully escort a lady to dinner, or to maintain an agreeable conversation, or to show, at all times, the air of good breeding; but the value of it all is in the traits of mind that have been imparted. A clean person will feel clean, and one accustomed to politeness will naturally realize the elevation of feeling at home are important, and the habit of courtesy ranks among the first.— Humboldt Times, 1884

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The Etiquette of Bumping

The young driver may look confident behind the wheel of his Model T, but is he truly ready to take his vehicle to the streets? Does he have a bumper? Does he know the etiquette of bumping? —  “We must bump—statistics prove it—but more attention to bumper equipment will mean less trouble and decidedly more pleasure in the use of the motor vehicle.”

World peace, safety, profanity, high blood pressure and property protection depend on the etiquette with which motorists bump and get bumped. “If you must bump be courteous,” says the American Chain Company in a new booklet on the Etiquette of Bumping. “Etiquette requires bumpers on all cars—bumpers which will ward off without damage the head-on collision, the side hook, the under cut, the over reach and the fender crumpling body blow.” 

The naked car is barred. Not for it the companionship of the bumpered. The upbumpered bus must take its flopping fenders, its dented gas tank, its battered radiator, to the side streets, where two-fisted drivers seeking damages are unrestrained by the rules of bumper etiquette. Choose your bumper carefully. Insist on bumpers correct in every detail —height, length, curve and fittings. A deep-chested front bumper with at least five inches between its front and rear bars is recommended for protection from the joy-riding, gas house gang in a Sunday jam. 

A spring bar will absorb more shock than a rigid bar. Freaky designs attract attention but they don’t protect. A curved end on the bumper bar to deflect blows is also approved. That the bumper should be just long enough to protect fenders, and not so long as to hinder close work at the curbstone and in traffic, is another important rule of bumping etiquette. To avoid embarrassment in traffic bumps, select a bumper of right height—the standard approved by the Society of Automotive Engineers. Then bumpers on other cars met in traffic cannot slip over yours and cause damage. We must bump—statistics prove it—but more attention to bumper equipment will mean less trouble and decidedly more pleasure in the use of the motor vehicle. — The Stockton Independent, 1925

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Etiquette: A Law of Mutual Kindness

Precious few of us are such spellbinders that we can hold an audience on the intrinsic thrillingness of our discourse, nor are we brilliant enough humorists to provoke with our wit the ready laugh that etiquette hands us. Yet which one of us would enjoy a listener who frankly yawned when he was bored, or felt called upon to tell us that he had heard our cherished best story a million times before? 

Dorothy Dix Answers Writer Who Says ‘Etiquette Makes Hypocrites of Us’

——————

Conventions of Society Save Us Heartaches and Help to Keep Us Happy

Not long ago I wrote an article for this column in which I spoke with enthusiasm of the school for manners that the University of New York is going to inaugurate. A man reader takes exception to my views. He writes: “I disapprove highly of all the etiquette, because etiquette robs us of sincerity. If you go into a room and find people there who are not of the slightest interest to you, why should you hypocritically be sympathetic to their troubles, and rejoice in their happiness, when in reality you do not care whether they live or die? Yet etiquette requires you to do that. Etiquette will stop you from telling a man that he is a liar, or a woman that she is old and ugly. Etiquette prescribes that you smile when you have not the slightest desire to do so. Etiquette forces you to listen to the boresome conversation and long-winded stories of others. Etiquette forces you to do that which you do not desire to do, and to leave undone that which you wish to do.”

“What is the good of etiquette?’’ Etiquette is simply one of the rules of the game. When human beings rose above beasts who were continually at each other’s throats and decided to live together in peace and harmony, they found out that they would have to agree upon certain things that they could do, and couldn’t do, and that everyone must respect these unwritten laws because it made things pleasanter for everybody. Out of this grew what we call the conventions of society and etiquette, and, foolish and arbitrary as they sometimes seem, they invariably rest upon some human need and represent the accumulated experience of centuries of man’s dealing with man, and the best way to do it. Moreover, etiquette is nothing more nor less than the golden rule dressed up in party clothes and with a flower in its buttonhole. It teaches us to treat others as we would like to have others treat us. It makes us respect other people’s privacy and opinions, and be careful of their susceptibilities as we would like to have them respect ours. 

You can have no better illustration of the happy working out of etiquette than in the very instances cited by my correspondent. He asks scornfully why he should appear to sympathize with the joys and sorrows of people for whom he cares nothing. Doubtless this man never takes the trouble to write a note of condolence when there is a death in the family of some acquaintance, or telephone a congratulation good luck comes the way of a neighbor. Yet how would he feel if, when he entered a room, nobody greeted him with a pleasant and cordial word because no one happened to be vitally interested in him? Would he not be cut to the heart if his wife or child lay dead and no human being spoke a word of sympathy to him? Would not the happiness of his success be dimmed if not a man put out a hand and said: “Good for you, old chap, I’m awfully glad for you”? 

My correspondent says that etiquette forces us to listen with an affectation of interest to tedious conversationalists, and laugh over jokes that we cut our teeth on in our cradles. Let us thank Heaven that it does. Precious few of us are such spellbinders that we can hold an audience on the intrinsic thrillingness of our discourse, nor are we brilliant enough humorists to provoke with our wit the ready laugh that etiquette hands us. Yet which one of us would enjoy a listener who frankly yawned when he was bored, or felt called upon to tell us that he had heard our cherished best story a million times before? 

And if etiquette prevents us from enjoying the sacred joy of telling a man that he lies, or a woman that the least observing eye can see that she is ten years older than she pretends to be, and that anybody can tell that her complexion and her hair are only hers by right of purchase, is it not as broad as it is long, for it keeps other people from saying the same brutal things to us? As for etiquette being the mother of insincerity, that is nonsense. There is more to praise than to blame, more to admire than to criticize, more to like than to hate in the world. Why is it not as honest to speak of a person’s good qualities as his bad qualities? Why isn’t it as sincere to turn a cheery, bright face upon the people at your breakfast table and in your office as it is to grouch in gloom? And as for sympathizing with the joys and sorrows of those about us, even if we don’t know them very well and are not particularly attached to them, surely that is just the throb of a common humanity that makes us all kin. 

At its worst, etiquette is merely assuming the virtue of consideration of others by those who have it not, and that is better than the brutality of the savage, who goes his own way unmindful of the rights of others. When we all get to be angels, altruistically intent on promoting each other’s happiness, we can do without etiquette; but until that time arrives, blessed be good manners that make it bad form for us to step on each other’s toes and do and say things we are prompted to do.— By Dorothy Dix in the San Francisco Call, 1916

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Etiquette and “Pour Prendre Congé”

The modern form of “Pour prendre congé”? Texting the question and receiving an answer via text. —  Well over a hundred years before texting was created, one had to leave a card with P.p.c. written on it, along with the date when one would return to let friends know their travel return date.

“Etiquette with all its littlenesses and niceties is founded upon a central idea of right and wrong.”—Dr. J. Brown

What Readers Ask— “Recently some neighbors of ours left to live in another state and they have now sent around cards marked P. P. C. with their, new address written at the lower part of the card. What is the significance of this?” 

The letters which should have been written “P.p.c.” stand for the French words “Pour prendre congé” —that is “to take leave.” These cards should have been sent around before your neighbors left. 

It is customary to send them when about to leave for a long journey or when changing one’s residence. For a new place, one should simply give the new address, engraved or written at the lower right hand corner. — By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

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Etiquette Make’s One a Finer Person

Marjabelle Young Stewart’s photo from the back of her 1969 book, ‘Stand Up, Shake Hands, Say “How Do You Do”’

Good etiquette is just a sense, in a matter of speaking

She was the “Empress of Etiquette,” the “Queen of Courtesy” to her legions of readers. She was a protegee of Mrs. Meriwether Post and Mamie Eisenhower, and frequent guest at the White House. She moved from the nation’s capital to the “hog capital of the world” 37 years ago. Marjabelle Young Stewart reigned over her etiquette empire with books, videos, lectures and interviews with no hint of slowing down. With 21 books to her credit, in 2005 she was promoting “The Complete Wedding Planner.” 

According to Stewart at that time, etiquette books were outselling cookbooks. Her message was simple and consistent: Etiquette is a key to clear communication, a protocol for professional success, a tool for a happy and productive life. “Etiquette can take you where you want to go faster than a speeding BMW,” she said. “Good manners take you places money can't.” Etiquette is also the common-sense nuts and bolts of life. “Don't end up at the wedding with a wad of soggy, wet Kleenex. Be sure to take a lace-edged hankie,” she admonished. Stewart said her knowledge of etiquette started with on-the-job training. “I went from a 17-year-old girl in Council Bluffs, Iowa, to the wife of an international scientist in Washington, D.C.,” she said. “I became a ‘sipper.’ I'd sip my drink and look over and see what fork or spoon others at the table were using. It was on-the-job training at the highest level.” 

Mellowed by decades of weddings, state dinners and formal entertaining, Stewart said the ultimate goal of etiquette is to make others feel comfortable. She recalled a White House dinner with then-President George H.W. Bush, father of the current president, and his guests from Asia, where the custom is to serve a clear broth at the end of the meal. When White House staff served finger bowls at the end of the meal, guests were startled to see the Asian diplomats pick up the finger bowls and drink the contents. Without hesitation, Bush picked up his finger bowl and toasted his American guests, indicating they should follow suit. Everyone at the table drank the contents of their finger bowls. “That is etiquette,” said Stewart. 

“Etiquette is knowledge, not to criticize others with or to put on airs, but to make you a finer person. Use etiquette to make your family and friends, acquaintances and colleagues feel like royalty.” — From an article by Clare Howard, for the Copley News Service, 2005

Marjabelle Young Stewart died in 2007

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Etiquette is a Social Lubricant

There is no special etiquette for our way of bathing, though there was for poor little Queen Marie Antoinette, who always bathed with a group of ladies-in-waiting looking on. Because we bathe in private, we can hold the soap as we please and splash as loudly as we want without running the risk of being ill bred. All society asks us is that, we shall be well tubbed and we can suit ourselves as to the method of securing that result. —Kirsten Dunst and Judy Davis portraying a young Marie Antoinette and “Madame Etiquette” in the 2006 film, “Marie Antoinette” — Photo source, Pinterest 

Sometimes, as was the case in the court of Louis XIV of France, etiquette runs away with itself and becomes ridiculous. In that court it was a breach of etiquette if anyone but a certain nobleman handed the King his Royal undershirt when he awoke in the morning. Another noble held his wash basin and another held the taper to his prayer book when he went through his friendly devotions. If we look far enough back in history we could find that even these absurd regulations had their basis in a matter of convenience.

Etiquette is the lubricating oil that makes the wheels of society run smoothly, and when Royal etiquette stipulates that a dozen or so graybeards, including the Prime Minister, should be present at the birth of a King’s son, you may be sure that that rule originated so that later no one might suggest that the heir to the throne was a changeling or an imposter. And the custom or etiquette goes on after most folk have forgotten the “why or wherefore” of it.

In present day American etiquette a constant weeding-out process is taking place. Almost as soon as the need for a certain rule of etiquette passes out, the etiquette becomes old fashioned, too. Practically every regulation of our etiquette can be traced to convenience or consideration. Take, for instance, the matter of table etiquette, the whole idea of our so-called table manners is to make meal time a period of pleasing process. 

If we all ate in private we might have the manners of pigs and give no one offense. But since we usually eat with our friends or families we must be very careful. We must go about it noiselessly and hence we have a certain list of rules for the management of the spoon and fork and knife, and because we would give offense to others if we spilled our food and were untidy about it, we have another set of rules for the management of the napkin, our position at the table and our mode, of masticating. In determining how to eat the various kinds of foods the idea seems to be to find a way by which the process can be made less offensive. 

There is no special etiquette for our way of bathing, though there was for poor little Queen Marie Antoinette, who always bathed with a group of ladies-in-waiting looking on. Because we bathe in private, we can hold the soap as we please and splash as loudly as we want without running the risk of being ill bred. All society asks us is that, we shall be well tubbed and we can suit ourselves as to the method of securing that result.

If we were hermits or Robinson Crusoes we should have few pages to our books of etiquette. So the closer we live, together, the more careful we should be of our manners. And for this reason, the city folks who dwell close together have to think more of etiquette than country folk. Complicated machinery always needs more lubricating oil than machinery of few parts and so folk who live in close contact with one another need the most rules of etiquette. — By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

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Manners of the Ill Bred

Beware the little foxes which may creep in and destroy the vines of good manners.

Needless to Say!

THE socially impossible person may have spent many hours and many dollars in dressing with elaborate care, but a breach of etiquette will mark him at once as an undesirable. The general marks of being ill bred all have to do with violation of the laws of cleanliness or of honor. Chief among them are:

Theft, even of trifles such as five-cent pencils and paper.

Telling dirty stories.

Cheating.

Bearing false witness against one's neighbor.

Drinking.

Cheap familiarities.

Unpardonable performances which stamp one as unclean are:

Blowing one's nose without a handkerchief. Entering a toilet with another person.

Wearing soiled underclothing and stockings. Picking one's nose.

Cleaning one's ears in public.

Odors of perspiration.

Dirty teeth.

Dirty nails.

Wash bowls and lavatories, both at home and in public places, should be looked upon as a challenge to one's consideration for others and to one's regard for cleanliness. No wash bowl should be left splashed and spattered with soapy or dirty water. The plug should be pulled out and the waste water allowed to flow out completely. Then fresh water should be turned in, to rinse out the bowl.

No one must ever comb his or her hair over any wash bowl. All the signs put up in wash rooms of railroad stations and stores are there because careless people have ignored the rights of others in the matter of public health and cleanliness.

Every toilet must be flushed immediately after use. Two persons must never enter a public toilet booth together; and in private homes, two persons must not enter or be in the same bathroom or lavatory at the same time.

Never leave a toilet room without having thoroughly washed one's hands. If no individual towels are provided, the hands may be dried by shaking them briskly in the air and massaging them together.

Before leaving a toilet room or bath, be very sure that your clothes are completely arranged and adjusted. Twisting and pulling and straightening out one's clothes before strangers, or even friends, stamps one as shiftless and coarse-grained.

Never take off a ring and lay it down to wash your hands. Half the rings which have been lost have gone the way of the wash bowl. Save on plumbers' or detectives' bills, simply by holding fast to that which is yours.

In sleeping cars, persons going to and from the dressing room are expected to be completely covered either with their ordinary clothing or with dressing gown and slippers. At home and at boarding school, nothing less is good form (whether you believe the coast is clear or not). For the sake of the timid or even moderately reticent soul one meets on the way, put on slippers and bathrobe to travel to and from the bathroom.

At bathing beaches, whether there are rules or not, one should be careful to leave the bath house fully dressed in his or her bathing suit. No one may dress or undress on the beach, even in parked cars. A coat should be worn over the bathing suit if the path from the bath house to the beach is through a street. It is never good form to lie around the beach in a bathing costume when one does not expect to enter the water. No boy should sprawl on the sand with his head in a girl's lap or with his arms wrapped around her, or vice versa. Anything which renders the girl conspicuous must be avoided.

If lunches are eaten at the beach, neither papers nor food should be scattered about the beach.

Other obvious marks of being ill-bred are:

Mannerisms.

Overdressing.

A loud voice or an unpleasant one.

Failure to be courteous to older people.

Questioning the fairness of an award.

Staring people out of countenance.

Rudeness to servants.

Criticism of food.

Calling across the room or across the street.

Putting one's hand on another person. This includes tickling, nudging, patting, even picking off imaginary threads and straightening the hair or the costume of another.

Talking to one of two persons and ignoring the other.

Beware the little foxes which may creep in and destroy the vines of good manners. Actions which seem slight and harmless to the person who perpetrates them, but which offend the beholder are:

Manicuring in public.

Combing hair in public.

Powdering one's nose in public.

Picking one's teeth in public.

Putting fingers in one's nose or ears.

Spitting.

Coughing without covering the mouth.

Putting one's hand over one's mouth when talking, laughing or eating.

Kissing on the street or in public places.

Loud talking.

Walking in front of people.

Watching table games without permission and discussing the play.

These lists, intended to give a bird's eye view of bad manners, are anything except short-but they could be longer. If you will write to the publishers of this book, Doubleday, Page and Company, Garden City, New York, and tell them of an important omission which it would be of real service to readers of this book to know, your suggestion will be published in the next edition of “Etiquette Jr.” — By Mary E. Clark and Margery Closey Quigley, 1939

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When to Use “Lady” or “Gentleman”

In this country refinement and nobility of character are the chief qualities that regulate giving or withholding the title of “lady,” and these qualities no woman should claim for her herself, though she may strive faithfully and well to possess them. Gentlemen ask “if the ladies are at home.” … Grave censure is expressed in the words “he is not a gentleman,” and only grave circumstances justify anyone in giving such a verdict.
— Photo source of HBO’s The Gilded Age”, Twitter

“Lady” and “Gentleman”: When to use these terms

THE words “lady” and “gentleman” are so deeply rooted in our nomenclature and serve so good a purpose that their perversion to all sorts and conditions of uses is as much to be regretted as the slight upon the strong and noble meaning of the words “man” and “woman.” The distinctions between their wrong and right uses are not obscure, though they cannot be guaged by exact rules. 

The mistress of the house says to her servants-and to her children also, if they be still juveniles— “I expect some ladies to visit me to-morrow,” but in referring to them in conversation with an adult, she may observe, “they are women of very quiet tastes.” It would not be incorrect for her to say they are “ladies of very quiet tastes,” hence it is a mistake to assert that the words “lady” and “woman”can never be used interchangeably; but it would be manifestly inelegant, in speaking of the prospective guests to servants or to young children, to call them “women.” 

A matron may address or speak of young ladies as “girls,” but if she be not an intimate, it is more usual for her to speak of them as “young ladies” and to address them collectively as “young women”; not that such a mode of address takes precedence of the salutation by name, but it is permissible on occasion.

Delicacy may justify a refined, highly-bred woman in speaking of another who sews for her as “a lady, who through reverses,” etc., but such a woman would use the word “woman” outside of such a connection more frequently than “lady.” The word lady is, however, much abused in just such a connection as this, without any good The ludicrousness of “fore-lady,” “sales-lady,” etc., is discovered by contrasting therewith “fore-gentleman,” “sales-gentleman.” One is really as sensible as the other. The alternate or correspondent of the word “man” is the word “woman,” and the word lady is not an equivalent term.

In this country refinement and nobility of character are the chief qualities that regulate giving or withholding the title of “lady,” and these qualities no woman should claim for her herself, though she may strive faithfully and well to possess them. Gentlemen ask “if the ladies are at home.” 

Chivalry bends the knee (poetically and metaphorically nowadays) to “my lady;” and refined custom has made the word “lady” preferable to any other when the universal sentiments of polite deference and formal consideration are to be expressed; but when a tribute to those graces and endowments which make a woman admirable is expressed, it is always her womanliness that is emphasized.

The same reasoning applies to the words man and gentleman. Less tendency to the contradiction of terms is, however, noticeable in the use of the masculine appellations. Manliness is an attribute which everyone honors, and the smallest boy rejoices to be thought worthy of being called “manly.” In so far as fashion has any use of choosing terms, she is strongly in favor of Saxon “man” and “woman.” The general use of these terms has been brought about by the abuse of “lady” and “gentleman,” and frequent references which include the latter terms are now voted stilted and overnice.

“The men are looking for some ladies who would enjoy a game of tennis,” says a polite host. “I can promise all the young women a pleasant evening, for there will be a great many dancing men present,” a hostess adds. One gentleman says to another, in expressing his admiration, “Miss Blank is my ideal of a lovely and lovable woman” (mind he does not say of a lovely lady), but in the same breath he may say “Let us join the ladies (not the women) on the balcony.”

Grave censure is expressed in the words “he is not a gentleman,” and only grave circumstances justify anyone in giving such a verdict. Well-bred people are supposed to be always worthy of being pronounced “ladies” and “gentlemen,” but never to require these titles; hence the bad form of giving either word a ridiculous prominence in conversation.

Another word, which is in danger of being made the target of ridicule, is “gentlewoman.” It is a good word and expresses a great deal, but it loses its value when it occurs too often either in speech or writing. Its social meaning varies somewhat from the definition of the word “lady,” but its actual meaning amounts to about the same. 

“Lady-like” and “gentlemanly” both have their proper uses. Their improper use is a sad gaucherie of speech, while “womanly” and “manly” rarely lead to misunderstanding and usually express all that is required of them.

It is polite to assume for another that he or she is a “gentleman” or a “lady,” because such an assumption leads to a high standard, which only the willfully vulgar or the entirely untrained person will obviously depart from, and this polite social expedient certainly bespeaks for the two powerful words, which express all its meaning and carry all its force, a most respectful and permanent hold upon the regard of those who have learned their full value. — From “Good Manners,” by Eliza M. Lavin, 1888

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia