Bridal Etiquette, Customs and a "Proposing Chair"

No tossing of the bouquet at the Newhall-Cheseborough wedding ~"It is the habit of the Misses Newhalls when they become brides to establish new rules for nuptials."

A Society Bride Shattered Precedents

Mrs. Arthur Chesebrough (Nee Newhall) Keeps Bouquet Despite Ancient Custom

No fortunate maiden grabbed the exquisite bridal bouquet that Miss Elizabeth Newhall carried at the moment she became Mrs. Arthur Chesebrough Wednesday evening. For Mrs. Chesebrough held to the beautiful shower of white orchids and lilies of the valley and enmeshed in tulle and satin ribbon. Thus she established a precedent, for all the brochures on etiquette have admonished the bride to toss her bouquet among the languishing bridesmaids and let them scramble for it. The attendants at the Chesebrough-Newhall wedding were Miss Marion Newhall, the bride's sister; Miss Julia Langhorne, Miss Martha Calhoun, Miss Helene Irwin, Miss Helen Chesebrough and Miss Alexandra Hamilton.

It is the habit of the Misses Newhalls when they become brides to establish new rules for nuptials. When Mrs. Athole McBean, who was Miss Margaret Newhall, was married, the bride set a pretty fashion of simplicity. Her gown of clinging white satin was cut in long straight lines, there was exquisite lace, but as little of it as the mode of her gown would permit, and the bridal veil was simply confined with a wreath of orange blossoms. She wore no sting of pearls nor tiara of diamonds. Her only ornament was her wedding ring. Mrs. Chesebrough followed the bridal traditions with her wedding cake. The tiny gold wedding ring went to Miss Helen Chesebrough and the coin to Stewart Lowery. The thimble, symbol of spinsterhood, was not found.

Bay Area society matron, Mrs. Athole McBean, circa 1940s, had many years earlier, been proposed to in the "proposing chair"owned by her family, the Newhalls.

If ever there should be an auction sale of the Newhall furniture, every society girl in town would set out to acquire one particular article of the household. It is a chair, known as the "proposing chair." Whether or not it is responsible there've been two brides claimed in the domicile recently —the chair has been reupholstered twice.— San Francisco Call, 1911

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Table Manners of the Well Bred

 Too much care cannot be given in any family to the ethics of the dining-room. 

AT THE FESTAL BOARD

Table Manners are the Surest Test of Good

Breeding

Probably in no one way does a woman better indicate her early home life than through her table. Its service and belongings, the manners of her children, and her own demeanor show quickly if she be to the manner born. If, as it is said, it takes a hundred years to make a perfect lawn, it may also be asserted that several generations are required to produce a perfect mistress of a gentleman's board, whether she be presiding at the ordinary family meal or with guests assembled about her.

The ease that can come only from a lifetime familiarity with a well-appointed table and the adjustment of herself with her surroundings, which is a part of having known no other environment, is a charm that not all hostesses possess. Too much care cannot be given in any family to the ethics of the dining-room. At its best, the eating process has in it the elements of coarseness, and the most ‘delicate feasting’ partakes of the animal side of life. 

No matter how simple the routine household may be, nor how moderate the domestic purse, it is possible, if the mistress be so educated, to have at all times a well-served, well-mannered and well-ordered table. From such are graduated children who will suffer no mortifications in afterlife on the score of table etiquette, but who will be ready ‘to sup with Princes and eat in the palaces of Kings ‘ at any time.— From The New York Times, 1890

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

19th C. Persian Etiquette

The manners of the courtly occupant of a Teheran mansion  are guided by etiquette that is indeed 'a law of the Medes and Persians, which changes not.' ~ Depiction of ancient Persians and Medes

A Country That is Nothing if Not Ceremonious

The manners of the courtly occupant of a Teheran mansion are guided by an etiquette that is indeed ‘a law of the Medes and Persians, which changeth not.’ The visitor sends notice an hour or two, previous to calling. If the visit is one of importance, notice is sent the previous day. You will go in a fashion suited to your social position and the rank of the host. Whether on horseback or in a carriage you will be accompanied by a number of mounted attendants.

As you approach the house, servants, mounted or on foot, come forth to meet you, and one returns with speed to announce your coming. A dozen attendants escort you to the reception-room. According to your relative rank, the host meets you at the foot of the staircase, at the door, or at the upper part of the room. The question of seats is one also requiring the utmost circumspection in observing the various shades of rank.

An 1880's collector card depicting the Shah's birthday holiday in Persia

If your rank is superior to that of your host you are invited to occupy a sofa alone, at the upper corner, while the host sits on a chair, or on the floor at your right. The left is more honorable than the right in Persia. If of equal rank, he occupies the sofa with you ; but if you are inferior, then the positions are reversed. The upper corner of the room is in any case the most honorable position. If a number are present of various ranks, each one knows his place at a glance. The passing of refreshments is also a matter of undeviating strictness, the number and quality depending on the time of day and the character of the gneet.


The kalian, or waterpipe, offers a fine opportunity for a display of Persian manners. According to precept and custom, a Mohammedan cannot smoke the same pipe with a Christian, and, except on rare occasions when the host is a man of progressive views, a separate pipe is furnished for a European visitor. But among Persians, it is the custom for the highest in rank to receive the pipe first, offering it to each in turn before smoking himself. For an inferior to accept the offer is an incredible offense against good manners. But, each in turn after this ceremony, takes a few whiffs at the pipe, all taking care to eject the smoke from the bowl before offering it to the next. The attendants on such an occasion leave their shoes at the door and retire backwards. —Ex-Minister Benjamin, in Daily Alta, December, 1885

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is this Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Diplomacy Gone Awry

Baron Saverio Fava founded the Italian Ministry in Washington, D.C.. He served as the first Italian Ambassador of the then recently unified Italy to the U.S. from 1881-1893. As Ambassador, Baron Fava also served as the Dean of the Diplomatic Corps. Prior to service in the U.S., Fava served Italy as an Ambassador in Brazil and Romania.

The Baron vs the Lieutenant

“A Story of American Independence and Official Etiquette” ???

The Washington Capital publishes the following story of Lieutenant Lucien Young, the naval officer who is not permitted to publish his book on Hawaii, because it is considered to reflect on the record of the Cleveland administration. That scene of the present incident is laid during the Harrison regime, when Benjamin P. Tracy was Secretary of the Navy.
             
It was Lieutenant Young, according to the story, who a few years ago offered to teach Baron Fava, the Italian Embassador, a lesson in American manners. The international episode was the request made by the Embassador to the Secretary of the Navy for a report upon a subject of great importance to him, which he begged might be delivered the same evening, in order that he could forward it to his Government in the morning mail. Lieutenant Young was detailed to prepare the information. 

He worked all day and all the evening, with only a sandwich and a cup of coffee, excused himself from a dinner party and from an engagement he had made to take some ladies to a ball. The memorandum was completed about midnight, when he got a cab and drove to the Italian legation. It was closed and dark, and no one answered his summons. Then he went to Baron Fava's residence, where he was told that the Embassador was dining out. He went to the house where the dinner had been given and learned that the Baron was at the ball which he himself wanted to attend, but found there the Baron had left a few minutes before.

Then Young gave up the search and went to his club. The first man he saw after entering the door was the Italian Embassador drinking wine with a party of friends. Lieutenant Young approached him with a proper salute and, after a few words of explanation, offered him the. papers. The Baron haughtily declined them. "You impertinent fellow," said he; "why did you follow me all over the town? I am the Embassador of Italy, and I do my business at the legation of my Government. You should have had the papers there before I left this afternoon. Instead of that you disturb my friends by entering their houses and intrude upon my club. I will report your impertinence to the Secretary of the Navy tomorrow."  

Lieutenant Lucien Younger has an interesting and colorful history, complete with a ship being named in his honor and complaints of anti-semitism.

The sea dog from Kentucky was very red in the face by this time, and made the following remarks: "You ungrateful old macaroni-chewing monkey tamer, I am a member of this club and you are only a guest, but if you will come out into the street for five minutes I will teach you a lesson in North American manners. There are the papers I have spent fifteen hours in preparing for you," and he threw them on the table. "You can take them or leave them, as you like." The Baron called upon Secretary Tracy the next day and complained that Lieutenant Young had insulted him. The Secretary sent for the offender, who related the affair as I have told it, including the benediction he had pronounced. The Secretary had pressing business in the next room for a few moments and when he recovered himself asked what the Embassador had to suggest. Baron Fava demanded that the lieutenant be reprimanded. "Consider yourself reprimanded," said the Secretary gravely, and Lieutenant Young bowed and left the room.
—The Washington Capital, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor  for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Advice from 1910

True courtesy consists not in forms alone, but in forms made living by the spirit of goodwill, are facts that we have much lost sight of in our admiration of fashion and wealth... ~ Gilded age table top silver and gilt fashions for the serving of eggs at breakfast, from 1910

The Morning “Chit-Chat”

When the question of a certain point of etiquette arose among a group of us the other night the lady who always knows somehow, spoke up: “This is the way it looks to me," she said, and we all listened, as we always do when this sweet oracle speaks. “This is the way it looks to me. I think you should go first because that's the common sense way, and a teacher I had once told me that if I were ever in doubt about any point of etiquette to think ‘which is the common sense’ way, and let that decide it. ‘For every point of etiquette,’ he said, ‘No matter how foolish it seems, is built originally on some good reason, and often you can find out the proper thing to do by looking for the reason.’”

Doesn't that appeal to you as a pretty good test to apply when you are in an etiquette quandary? It does to me. And here's another. When you are in doubt as to which of the two things is proper to do, do the kinder and it's 10 to 1 you will be doing the right one. I know a little country girl who, when she dined for the first time at a stylish city home, was very much puzzled as to whether she ought to say, "Thank you" when the maid bought the serving of soup around to her place.

She decided that it would seem countryfied to do so, and received her plate in silence. She says she will never forget the flush of shame that swept over her when the mistress of the home thanked the maid, as she received her plate. If the little girl had done the kinder thing, she would have done the right thing, and she says she will never again depart from that criterion.

Speaking of that incident reminds me, by the way, of a home at which I visit, where it is the invariable custom for the master of the house, no matter what guests are present to serve the mistress of the house first. In this way she sets the example when there's any doubtful point of table etiquette, so that all her guests need to do is watch her. Isn't that an exquisite bit of thoughtfulness? To me, it seems a custom that ought to be adopted everywhere.

That there can be no really good manners without the goodness of heart, and that true courtesy consists not in forms alone, but in forms made living by the spirit of goodwill, are facts that we have much lost sight of in our admiration of fashion and wealth, but they are sterling facts just the same.

Let me commend to the young person who wants to be well-bred. Lord Chesterfield's most excellent definition of good breeding: “Good breeding is a combination of much sense: some good nature, and a little self-denial for the sake of others, with a view to obtain the same indulgence from them.” —Ruth Cameron, 1910

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Tea Table Etiquette

Patented design for a tea service in 1873

Quaint Customs Once Observed by British Dames

Tea drinking has become very fashionable among us of late years, almost as much as it was in England a century ago, but the prevailing customs at the table are different. The “teacup times of hood and hoop” had their own etiquette, of a sort not likely to be revived. What should we think now of a fashionable lady who cooled her tea with her breath? 

Yet Young says of a certain bewildering Lady Betty:
Her two red lips affected zephyrs blow
To cool the Bohea and inflame the beau.
While one white finger and a thumb conspire
To lift the cup and make the world admire.

Again a passage in contemporary literature shows that it was a lack of good manners to take much cream or sugar in one's tea. Says a lady of quality to her daughter: “I must further advise you, Harriet, not to heap such mountains of sugar into your tea, nor to pour such a deluge of cream in. People will certainly take you for the daughter of a dairymaid.” 

Pinky fingers should not be thrust out– A pinky finger held out and up in the air, was never a quaint English custom! ~ Not a real “Dame,” and not the “daughter of a dairymaid,” either, Etiquipedia doubts that the cross-dressing, comedian “Dame Edna,” is what the writer of this article had in mind. 

Certain other customs may be remembered in this country among us who had grandmothers trained in the ceremonies of a later day. One of them consisted in putting the spoon in the cup to show that no more tea was desired; another was that of turning over the cup in the saucer for the same purpose.

Etiquette also demanded that the tea should be tasted from the spoon, and that the hostess should then inquire, “Is your tea agreeable?” Certain scrupulous old ladies ask that now, and the question savors of a more sedate and gentle day than this. — From The St. Louis Republic, 1899

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Veep Breached Canadian Etiquette

Vice President to Theodore Roosevelt, Charles W. Fairbanks “Failed to Observe the Proprieties” while on official visit to Canada, upon the Quebec “ter-centennial” or “tricentennial.”

English Woman Says Vice President Fairbanks Did Not Conform to Etiquette

Vice President Fairbanks, according to a prominent English woman who has written to a friend in St. Louis, made the French and English Canadians furious by his failure to observe the "proprieties" at the ter-centennial festivities at Quebec.


The Vice President is accused of standing up, in his carriage and making speeches "to the crowd" as he drove along the street, of standing ahead of the host in the "receiving line" at the garden-party and with quarreling with the mayor of the city, all of which. according; to reports have not "tended to increase the friendly relations between Canada and the United States."


The writer of the letter went from England to Quebec to attend the ceremonies. On account of her prominence, she was in a position to observe the Vice President's movements and therefore the effect they had on the English and French Canadians.


It is said that Canadian officials managed, to keep Vice President Fairbanks' breaches of official etiquette out of the Canadian. newspapers. The French and English Canadians, as a rule, are at "daggers'-polnts" on most questions, but they seem to be agreed that the Vice President assumed a position far beyond his official importance at the festivities. As Fairbanks was generally regarded as the official representative of the United States, the offense is considered all the more serious. —St. Louis, Missouri, 1908

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Notes on French Etiquette

"Bad table manners, my dear Gigi, have broken up more households than infidelity." ~ Aunt Alicia instructing Gigi on how to properly eat ortolan.

The etiquette in the best old families of France as regards young girls is very strict, says a foreign correspondent, and at 17 they begin to be seen at their mothers’ “at homes,” but at 18 only they make their debut in society, beginning with the opera, Lenten receptions, and what are now generally called “bals blancs.”

The French girl never has any cards of her own; when she is what they call in England “out” her name is written below her mother’s. The letters addressed to her are always delivered first to her parent's hands, who passes them to her opened or unopened, as she thinks fit. 

She wears no jewels beyond one row of pearls around her neck. She rides early before the fashionable hour at the Bois, escorted by her father; her brother may take her out driving, and she is even permitted now to take the reins, a liberty which ten years ago would have stamped her as outrageously fast. French girls of almost any rank, including the bourgeoisie, never walk out alone. They marry young, presumably before 20. —  Marin Journal, 1887

Professional etiquette prevents French judges and judicial officers from riding in omnibuses. — Sausalito News, 1899

"French nobility is touchy!" say the Brits ~ Gabriel Paul Othenin de Cléron , Comte d'Haussoville

Much Bitter Comment Caused by the English Ambassador's Mistake in Precedence

PARIS— Even an ambassador must not tamper with the rules of precedence of the French' nobility, which, since there is no longer a French peerage, are based upon birth and not upon rank. Sir Francis Bertie, the British ambassador, innocently gave serious offense to the Faubourg St. Germain at an embassy dinner party. Among the guests were the Marquis de Ganay and the Comte d'Haussonville.

Thinking of the etiquette of precedence used at home, Sir Francis put the marquis in a more honorable place than the comte and thus committed an unpardonable social solecism. The ambassador's blunder was the subject of much bitter comment in the Faubourg. 

The heinousness of his offense will be at once seen when it is explained that the Marquis de Ganay, though ranking higher than the comte, is a person of yesterday, chiefly notable for his fine racing stable and his friendship with King Edward VII, while the Comte d'Haussonville is the representative of an extremely old and famous family of Lorraine, and is a member of the Academie Francaise.

French Légion d'honneur

An Usher Showed Sculptor or Honor is Worn — Rodin in Quandary on Use of French Decoration 

Paris — Although the decoration of the legion of honor was not conferred. on M. Rodin, the sculptor, by an usher at the Elysee, it was the usher who really placed it on the sculptor and showed him how to wear it. 

M. Rodin is not very, strong on decorations, and had never worn evidence of the honor conferred on him. When he accepted an invitation for dinner at the Elysee this week, some kind friend reminded him that, etiquette required him to wear the insignia of the Legion of Honor. Each friend of whom he asked advice, had a different opinion as to how the plaque was to be worn, so Rodin wrapped it in tissue paper, carried it with him and asked the chief usher to adjust it in the proper place. 

This was done just outside the door of the dining room, much to the horror of assembled guests. —San Francisco Call, 1910

Depiction of Catholic priests blessing a rail engine in Calais, France ~1848

The Frenchmen are easily the politest people in the world, and so the new regulations as to the conduct of railroad servants when the President of the republic is a passenger, will not bear heavily on them.

Every official, from the highest to the lowest, is required to doff his cap and remain bareheaded until the President leaves the station. The station-master alone is permitted to approach the door of the Presidential saloon carriage, and it is ordered that he also shall remain bareheaded while holding it open. These are only a few of the long list of points of etiquette which have taken the form at a ministerial decree. —  The Marin County Tocsin, 1896

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia