Etiquette and Publicity

Etiquette reminder for those with a love of publicity: “There will be always a publicity naturally resulting from our political and social institutions which can not be avoided. It behooves us, therefore, to augment its good and diminish its ill effects as far as it lies in our power.” 

Love of Publicity 

Political institutions, by their recognition of the equal rights of all men, call upon each individual to manifest himself. Every American being thus not only free to speak and act, but feeling it his duty to do so, becomes, more or less, a public man. The political influence extends to the social habits, and we have, in consequence, but little privacy of life.

Our love of publicity is shown by the gregarious modes in which we live and move. That great caravansary, the American hotel, is a characteristic expression of the national protest against individual separateness. It is constructed on the principle that it is not good for any human being to be alone except when he is asleep, and even then it is not seldom that he is provided with one or more companions. The bedrooms are made just large enough to lie down in, and are evidently only designed for that purpose. These, thrust far away under the eaves, are ordinarily the only provision for the individual. The rest, composing much the larger and most accessible part of the structure, is appropriated to the public, for whom, moreover, all the splendor and convenience are exclusively furnished.

So much is the American hotel constructed for the especial advantage of the aggregate many, and so little are the requirements of the particular one considered, that, while thousands are feasted there luxuriously at certain hours every day, no single hungry man can, at any other moment, get a chop or a potato to save himself from starving. In traveling the same gregarious practices obtain, and no one, however tender of body and fastidious in mind, can entirely escape the nudge of the elbow or the shock from the words of a rude neighbor.

This shaking together, so universal with us, has not been without its marked effects upon the character and manners of our people. The good may be thought by some to transcend the bad. It has led, undoubtedly, to a fuller recognition of common interests and mutual obligation, and thus humanized the multitude. Meeting together as we all do on the road and the road-side, in the enjoyment of the same cheaply-purchased privileges, we are forced, temporarily at least, to a social equality, which can not fail to elevate the spirit of the humble and check the aspirations of the proud.

One of the worst effects of the gregarious system is the perpetual intrusiveness of the many upon the retirement which is at times necessary and pleasing to each person. The uniformity of sentiment, moreover, which is apt to result, and overbear the private judgment and the individual conscience, may be also considered as one of the most serious evils. There is a certain boldness, too, of manners, which is more observable and offensive in the young than in others, which is traceable to the publicity of American life.

We should, particularly in this country, cultivate domestic privacy as the best check to the excessive tendency to gregariousness. We, on the contrary, are apt to cultivate the latter at the expense of the former; thus the practice common with us of living in hotels and boarding-houses, where that reserve so necessary to the development of the individual character and the acquisition of modest manners is impossible.

There will be always a publicity naturally resulting from our political and social institutions which can not be avoided. It behooves us, therefore, to augment its good and diminish its ill effects as far as it lies in our power. As we can not get rid of each other, let us make ourselves mutually useful and agreeable by the improvement of our sentiments and manners. With the greater publicity in America, public opinion is necessarily more extensive in its influence, and therefore it is especially important that it should be exerted in favor of the good and beautiful. –The Bazar Book of Decorum, 1870

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Manners at Home

Good manners shouldn't be shed, like tight collars and irritating shoes, when the family is sheltered beneath its roof.

There are many books published on “Social Etiquette,” “Polite Form of Public Society,” and “The Ethics of Smart Society,” all conducing to the highly polished manners and conversation of men and women when associating together as "company." Yes, it's “company manners” and “company talk” that are made much of in printed volumes, large and small, cheap and expensive in price.

In comparison, the output concerning “Home Manners,” “Domestic Politeness,” and “Family Courtesy,” is startlingly small. Perhaps this scarcity of elucidation of conjugal and parental and filial courtesy, in print, may be held accountable for a large share of the lack of good home manners – since this lack of kind and gentle treatment of others is so seriously apparent in the large majority of homes.

Even when bad home manners are not at all abusive, they are tinged with a certain unkindness that blurs a moral perception of each member of the family. This tends to a certain mental laxity that bodes evil for the citizenship.

How much more important then, is domestic courtesy then the ethics of smart society to a standard of responsible municipal government! Bad home manners conduce to unhappiness and crime. Unhappiness and crime are conditions of all the people.

Polite forms of smart society conduce to the polish and glitter of a part of the people, the comparatively small part known as the wealthy and aristocratic. But, even this small part that has use for, and practices, the ethics of smart society is more or less tinctured with the unhappiness and crime that accrues from bad manners in its homes.

Dean Hole said, in a magazine, that he once rebuked a woman because her children were ill-behaved when he visited the home. “Lor' bless you, sir," replied this woman, boys and young 'uns must have some place where they can enjoy themselves.”

Clearly, this woman felt that polite language and gentleness toward others were species of cruel restraint, that had no free-to-all place, in the happiest home. Apparently she believed that good manners should be shed, like tight collars and irritating shoes, when the family was sheltered beneath its roof.

There are scores of folks like the children of this woman. They don't enjoy good manners. They delight in freedom from a sense of being made to behave by the other fellow who demands the half-way, right of way, out in the open. They take that freedom in the home. Since each member of the family is apt to take this freedom at the same time, trouble may be predicted.

The larger part of matrimonial dissension, including divorce, is due to the bad manners of husbands and wives in homes. A discourtesy, a challenging criticism, an ironical retort – and the row begins! Then there are rows and rows that develop into mutual bitterness of spirit and estrangement.

Max O'Rell tales of a man saying to him: “Brown is a most peculiar and finicky chap. He takes his hat off to his wife when he meets her in the street. He turns over the pages of music when she plays on the piano for him. Just as if she were a stranger.”

There's not a bit of doubt that Brown showered this kind of “peculiar”treatment upon the girl while courting her. Indeed, "the man" would have dubbed Brown an ordinary fool had he not lavished pleasant attentions upon the girl. Provided Brown wanted to win the girl as his wife, and the wedding was proof that he did. But when married, "the man" seemed to count Brown as a good deal of an oddity for being as courteous to his wife as to the girl he courted.

Frederick Leighton relates that a man entered a hotel parlor hastily and rather rudely brushed against a woman, so that his cuff button caught in her hair. He scowled, and in doing so glanced into the woman's face. Quickly he took on a gracious attitude and said: “I beg your pardon, madam; I thought you were my wife, and I was in a hurry.”

Alas for the domestic atmosphere of that man and his nuptial mate, since his policy is that any kind of manners will do for a wife! However, by the same token, their wives a-plenty who consider a courtesy misplaced when bestowed upon her husband when there's no favor to be gained through “such a bother.”

When there's a millennium of good manners in the home, unhappiness and evil will dim into the great minority. — by Dorothy Fenimore, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

19th C. Etiquette for Young Men

A Society Woman Tells Young Men How to Get Into Society and the Secret of Social Success

No lassoing required! A young woman and young man of society mugging for the camera on the beach at the turn of the century. "If this lady takes him up and introduces him and he makes himself agreeable his social fortune is made." 

Pictures and Works of Art Offer Topics for Conversation- What it is to be a Gentleman

There's no sitting on the fence about it; He should never push or transcend the delicate outlines of social sufferance; he must remember Thackeray's noble description: "What is it to be a gentleman? Is it to be honest, brave, to be gentle, generous, to be wise, and possessing all these qualities to exercise them in the most graceful manner..."

The young men of our free country, no matter how humble their station, should study manners and proper dress and proper courtesy, for there is no knowing where they will land as they climb the hill of life. Their tailors and their observation will tell them how to dress. Neatness should be their first and firmest ally then —no matter how plain their clothes.

A young man should never be too fine for his work — heavy shoes for walking, plain clothes for morning, and always a change for dinner and evening. Fresh stockings and neat-looking feet are indispensable, and clean lines are the very alphabet of good dressing.  A gentleman's dress should always be so quiet as not to excite attention. Thackeray was very funny about a too-new hat, and spoke of taking a watering-spot to it. The suspicion of being " dressed up " defeats any toilet. 

A young man coming to a great city unknown, may experience some difficulty in getting into society.  He should try to bring letters from some one who knows him well in his own sphere to some prominent social leader. If this lady takes him up and introduces him and he makes himself agreeable his social fortune is made. But such social good fortune cannot always be commanded. Young men often pass a lonely youth in a great city without meeting with the desired opportunity. To many it comes through college intimacies, on the cricket ground, at the clubs, in places of business, and so on.

It is hardly creditable for a young man to pass his life in a great city without trying to know the best ladies' society. He should seek to do so, and ask a friend to introduce him. He should never push or transcend the delicate outlines of social sufferance; he must remember Thackeray's noble description: "What is it to be a gentleman? Is it to be honest, brave, to be gentle, generous, to be wise, and possessing all these qualities to exercise them in the most graceful manner. Ought a gentleman to be a loyal son, a true husband, and honest father fought his life to be decent, his bills to be paid, his tastes to be high and decadent. Yes. A thousand times yes." 

Young men with all these virtues are sometimes led astray, in coming to New York, by the sight of certain gaudy adventurers, who get into society and unaccountably succeed by means of manners, impudence, self-assurance, audacity and plausible ways. They also see a set of men succeed, and get to be leaders of the german, and they observe fashionable men whom they despised, whom they looked upon as cowards and snobs in college or at school. This success (not of the fittest) is apt to disgust manly young man, and keep them out of society —a great loss to society. But this is a side issue. If the manly young man waits a few years he will see these men sink into obscurity. No success is so ephemeral.—New York Sun, 1888

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Etiquette for Cycling

The instructors in the big academies, where women are taught to ride, their bodies are being educated in the mysteries of the “bike.”

Are You Up to Bike Manners?

There Is a Need of a Leader in Wheeling Etiquette

A Fashionable Girl's Lament

Polite Rules of the Road As Laid Down Her Instructor— What She Must and Must Not Do

NEW YORK— Young ladies of the fashionable world, and for that matter the older ones too, who have become late of the wheel, have recently been discussing the urgent need of a recognized formula of bicycle etiquette. 

As far as wheeldom is concerned, the sport is in its infancy; everything is crude and unconventional to the delicately nurtured social eye, and the young buds of the ballroom are all at sea when they find themselves out on the road spinning along on the democratic "bike." 

It may not be long before regular professors of bicycle deportment will be making the rounds of the homes of the rich, instructing the maids and matrons of the etiquette of the wheel, just as the little boys and girls are now being taught the polite arts of the ballroom. 

But at the moment everything is chaotic in this most important field of the fashionable woman. She uses her good common sense, and her innate gentility is sufficient guide to correctly meet the ordinary happenings of life a-wheel, but bicycling is no ordinary sport, and happenings of an extraordinary kind continually occur. 

The laws of conventional life cannot apply to these unforeseen events, and the well-bred woman who insists upon being conventional and at the same time a bicyclist, does not know quite where she is at. The instructors in the big academies, where women are taught to ride, their bodies are being educated in the mysteries of the "bike."

Here are some of the etiquette rules which a fashionable girl said she received from the woman instructor of the academy where she rides. Be acknowledged that she may have forgotten some of them, just as she forgets the vital point in the art of dismounting, and frequently comes a nasty cropper in consequence. 

                     

• The 
  first one was, never criticise a fellow bicyclist, particularly if she is a woman and inclined to stoutness. The moral of this is that you may be stout yourself in a few years, and a bicycle rider for the sole purpose of reducing weight. 

• Another is, when you are riding in the park or on the road and a cranky horse comes along which rears and plunges at sight of your bicycle, always dismount without delay and turn your wheel flat on the ground. Serious runaway accidents can sometimes be averted by a little courtesy of this kind. It only takes a minute or two of time, and as all women bicyclists ride for pleasure, that much lost time is of little consequence to them. 

• Always keep to the right in riding. You may be called names if you forget this rule on a crowded road. 

• In passing a vehicle or wheel going in the same direction, it is usually safest to go by them on the left. 

• Try to foster the feeling of brotherhood and sisterhood among all wheelers. Remember that accidents happen to the best bicyclists, just as they do in the best regulated families. 

• If anything goes wrong with a man or woman wheeler, render any assistance you can. No man will take advantage of such assistance to thrust his acquaintance upon you at a future time, he would run the risk of ostracism by fellow bicyclists who, perhaps, have sisters, wives or sweethearts devoted to the sport. 

• If you are unfortunate enough to have an accident happen to your wheel, do not hesitate to accent the proffered assistant of the first wheelman who comes along. If he is the right kind, as he probably will be, he will set your wheel right and then pursue his journey. Should he ever pass you again he will give no sign that he had ever met you before. 

• Don't be afraid to mention the word bloomers in the presence of a man. If he be versed in bike manners, as all true wheelers should be, he will regard the word purely as one for ordinary conversation, as it surely is in bicycle talk. 

• If one fears the attention of pedestrians wear a veil, but not thick enough to affect the vision. It will protect the face from dust and thoroughly conceal identity. 

• Don't try to ride rapidly. Fast riders meet with accident sooner or later, and a woman in a smash-up does not appear to advantage. It's bad bike form too. 

• For the same reason, be careful about coasting and always be certain in advance that the brake is in good working order. 

• Always respect the feelings of pedestrians, and be careful of their safety. In streets frequently crossed, ride as slowly as possible. Kindly consideration of the pedestrians will beget the same for the wheeler. 

Thus it can be seen that the true woman wheeler has more to learn in bicycling than the mere pushing of pedals. – New York, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette: Have We Any Manners?

Have We Any Manners? Look at Our Ancestors and Take Courage!

"OUR ancestors do continually surprise us, but what can exceed the amazement, perfectly justifiable, that comes with our first glimpse at the approved etiquette books of only a generation or a century or two ago? It is comforting to believe' that our sires and their dames were the pinks of courtesy and good breeding, irrespective of their nationality or their station In life. But were they?

To the fair minded who study the novels, the jest books and the courtesy books contemporary with their lives — lives lived perhaps in the shadow of a palace— it is not always evident. And, except to the very young, who cannot see beneath the glittering surface, the exaggerated bows, the overpolished compliments, the kissing of perfumed hands and the spreading of velvet cloaks over muddy crossings seem theatrical and decidedly tiresome in an age that believes in such things as democracy, international conciliation, coeducation, pragmatism!

Today one of the most popular and amusing fallacies among the nations is that we Americans have no manners whatever; that all our women are selfish, strident-voiced, overdressed Daisy Millers; that all our men chew tobacco, hide behind newspapers at breakfast and dine in their shirt sleeves. And yet many old cosmopolitans and travelers, who claim to be discriminating in the matter of good manners, solemnly declare that we can well afford to be criticised by both Paris and Berlin.

We are a ridiculously new, composite race, but are we not an intelligent one— Indisputably benign, introspective, emulative, sympathetic and fond of laughter? To us a perusal of the etiquette books that only a century or two ago went through innumerable editions in all the great cities of Europe reveals this important, this unpleasant fact: that the immediate descendants of all the picture gallery folk, so picturesque in powdered wigs, swords, brocades and lace frills were in danger of inheriting the manners of snobs, boors and pigs only. While their background and courtly manners were extremely decorative, we must not regret that they have passed away forever.
         

Society has outgrown the romantic drama period. It is learning to think. Good breeding is founded only upon the Gibraltar of simple human kindness; but society has not always been kind and considerate and manners have ever fluctuated with the tides of fashion. The following dicta from a famous courtesy book were penned by a certain man of affairs for real people, who considered themselves the perfect flower of enlightenment. The glamour of this gentleman's century has faded away.

In the case of an educated democracy, his paragraphs read like directions for a puppet show only: 'If in company with an inferior, it is well worth your attention not to let him feel his inferiority. If you take pains to mortify him it is an insult not readily forgot. At table there can not be a greater insult than to help an inferior to a part he dislikes and take the best yourself. Walking fast in the streets Is a mark of vulgarity. It may appear well in a mechanic or tradesman, but suits ill with the character of a gentleman or a man of fashion.'

'Eating quick or slow at meals is characteristic of the vulgar. It has the appearance of being used to hard work. Smelling the meat while on your fork being put to your mouth is vulgar. Spitting on the carpet is a nasty practice. It will lead your acquaintances to believe that you are not used to genteel furniture. Wit is the most. dangerous talent the female can possess. It must be guarded with discretion.'

In a recent item of Americana, printed in New York and in a year so recent as 1849, one reads with little gravity that vehicle was 'written for the socially inferior of that period by a properly serious social leader, long dead and alas forgotten.' This author deems his advice an absolute, necessity In that sadly mercantile period of the fifties, with 'people continually rising in the world and with, their new wealth acquiring a taste for the superfluities of life with the use of which they are only imperfectly acquainted!'

This little book, 'The American Manual of Elegance and Fashion' is divided into 18 chapters. Curiously enough, three of them are entitled 'Tattling,' 'Smoking' and 'Advice to Tradespeople.' Any one but a New Yorker smiles the smile of the unconvinced, as he reads: 'In all cases the observances of the metropolis the seat of refinement should be received as the standard of good breeding.'" –By Olive Percival for the San Francisco Call, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Tea Styles

High Tea is also sometimes confused with the teas that King Edward VII hosted during his reign from 1901-1910. Edward had so many meals in his daily schedule he had to change everyone else’s schedules. Famous for his huge appetite, Edward ate no less than 12 courses at dinner and is responsible for adding “appetizers” to the dinner menus of British society.

Just Some of the Different Styles Of “Teas” Held, or Given, for the Enjoyment of this Popular Beverage

Around 1800, when tea was very expensive and kept in locked containers called "tea caddy boxes," special tea caddy spoons were designed and kept with the tea. Tea caddy spoons were popular gifts and often engraved for special events. 

·The High Tea:  In the past, "High Tea" was considered the tea of the working-class rather than the tea of the elite. This tea was a hearty affair. Meat pies, rarebit, shepherd's pies, slices of roast, sausage, vegetables, casseroles, puddings, and heavy desserts and other dinner time staples usually made with leftovers were commonly served.  

The term “High” came about because the tea meal was taken at a high dining table, or with high back chairs all around a table. This was to distinguish the meal from the Afternoon Tea that was taken at low tables.  

In recent years, High Tea has become a term for elaborate Afternoon Tea, though this is an American usage and mainly unrecognized in Britain (with the exception of some London hotels, catering to tourists.) It is usually served between 5:00 pm and 8:00 pm.  

High Tea is also sometimes confused with the teas that King Edward VII hosted during his reign from 1901-1910. Edward had so many meals in his daily schedule he had to change everyone else’s schedules. His dinner time was pushed forward another hour or so to 8:30 pm or 9:00 pm. High Tea could now be held even later in the afternoon.

Known for his huge appetite, the King ate no less than 12 courses at dinner and is responsible for adding “appetizers” to the dinner menus of British society. This change brought it closer in line to what most Americans think of as a dinner time (around 5:00 pm). 

·The Formal Afternoon Tea: A "Formal Afternoon Tea" is an elaborate affair with white linens, silver, hats and gloves, bone china, and several different types of tea. Darjeeling and Ceylon varieties are suggested for this teatime. Tea fare consists of scones, at least four varieties of savories, and beautiful finger desserts or petits fours, presented on three-tiered racks, often buffet style. 

Traditional service time is 4:00 pm, however any time between 2:00 pm and 5:00 pm is appropriate. (Please remember that proper etiquette dictates one remove those gloves before eating or drinking anything!) 

Tea fare consists of scones, at least four varieties of savories, and beautiful finger desserts or petits fours, presented on three-tiered racks, often buffet style. 

·The Afternoon Tea or The Low Tea: An Afternoon Tea or "Low Tea" is designed to enhance social skills and usually is served in fine fashion and in several courses. Some believe the term “Low Tea” may come from the fact that hotels have traditionally used low tables in their lobbies to hold the foods and tea service presented at afternoon teas. 

This full-tea service includes scones, savories, and a variety of petits fours. It is traditionally served at 4:00 pm, however, any time between 2:00 pm and 5:00 pm is appropriate.

·The Special Event and/or The Seasonal Tea: These teas are designed for a season, occasion, or personal style for the hostess or honored guest. Although these teas require more planning, they also provide an opportunity for creativity in themes, menus, table settings, favors and invitations. Examples include; bridal teas, sweetheart teas, Christmas teas, harvest teas, baby shower teas, business teas, retirement teas, graduation teas, garden teas, and benefit teas.

·The Cream Tea: These Cream Teas are fondly known as afternoon "sweet-tooth teas" in some circles. They feature heavy, clotted cream from Devonshire, that is slathered on scones, rather than any cream added to the tea. 

Cream is much too rich to accompany tea, as it will curdle; milk is the preferred addition. Besides scones, this tea includes fresh fruits, berries in season, and cake. Cream Teas are traditionally served from 1:00 pm to 4:00 pm.
                          

No pinky finger thrust out here. Perfectly lovely!

·The Brunch Tea: A hearty tea, Brunch Tea is a wonderful way to start the day. A Brunch Tea usually offers an egg dish, fresh fruit, or pasties which are light on sugar content. This is the perfect time to seek a hearty breakfast tea, since the traditional time is from10:00 am to 1:00 pm.

·The Teddy Bear Tea: This special tea, (in actuality, it is hot chocolate), was prepared by nannies for their young charges. The children would scurry off to their quarters to play with their favorite dolls or bears and sip hot chocolate while munching on goodies from the adults’ tea table.

·The “Elevenses”: The term “Elevenses” is a British version of the American office "coffee break," between 10am and 11am in the morning. The coffee break originated from the old "Second Breakfast" of European immigrants to the United States. In Britain, a tea cart with tea, crumpets, scones, or cinnamon toast is wheeled in for the break.

A post script: Remember...  one drinks tea. One does not take tea. During the Victorian era, the term to take tea was used by the under classes and considered a vulgar expression by the upper classes.

Contributor Bernadette Petrotta is the Director and founder of The Polite Society School of Etiquette. Her newest book is "The Art and Proper Etiquette of Afternoon Tea." 

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette in Conversation

Hospitality and good conversation at a California beach picnic, early 1900s

One Should Show a Gentle Hospitality to the Thoughts of Another

A distinguished conversationist of the past was wont to say that the secret of being agreeable in conversation was to be hospitable to the ideas of others. He affirmed that some people only half listened to you, because they were considering, even while you spoke, with what wealth of wit, with what words they should reply, and they began to speak almost before your sentence had died from your lips.

Those people, he said, might be brilliant, witty, dazzling, but they could never be agreeable. You do not love to talk to them. You feel that they are impatient for their turn to come, and that they have no hospitality toward your thoughts —none of that gentle friendliness that asks your idea in and makes much of it. –Los Angeles Herald, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Exiting Vehicles

A test of whether she was born “in the purple...” In other words, a test to see whether she was born to the aristocracy or royalty, and used to riding in a carriage.

The Graceful Way for Women to Exit a Vehicle

The manner in which a woman leaves and enters her vehicle is advanced by some writer as a test of whether she was born “in the purple,” or at least accustomed to carriage life. 

Like tech etiquette today, automobile etiquette slowly evolved as more people could afford cars.

This authority says: “She should have one foot out and firmly set upon the carriage step before she relinquishes the sitting posture; then the body should follow easily and naturally. Nothing is more awkward than to see a woman thrust her head forth first, and then find herself forced to double herself up to accomplish the rest of the exit.

Watch one who knows how to gracefully sink her weight from one foot to the other almost without losing a perfectly perpendicular position, securing instantly a walking poise as she touches the ground, and the difference of her method and that of another who lands very nearly in a tumble on the sidewalk will be discernible.” –Los Angeles Herald, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor tor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia