Mid 20th C. Correspondence Etiquette

Amy Vanderbilt was one of the most successful authorities on etiquette of the 20th century. Her books were published in many countries and languages, including the book above in Lithuanian.

Dear Miss Vanderbilt: Have times changed so much that “cordially” is now accepted as good form for the closing of a letter? In a 1938 edition of Emily Post's book I find the following: “Cordially” was coined no doubt to fill this need (an expression to fit sentiment more friendly than “sincerely” and less intimate than “affectionately”) but its condescension puts it in the category of all other offenses of pretentiousness, and in New York at least it is not used by people of best taste.

I continue to receive notes. signed “cordially,” which I do not appreciate. The latest is a thank-you note from a bride, which means a young person is condescending to a much older person. Perhaps a comment in your column would help. D. F., Baltimore

ETIQUETTE changes. I can assure you that in the best New York society the closing. “Cordially” is very frequently seen and is not considered in the least condescending. It is a little more friendly than “Sincerely” and has a little more swing than “Very truly yours” or even “Yours truly.” I use it under almost all circumstances in business and social correspondence, although of course in the latter I use affectionate terms as well.

Dear Miss Vanderbilt: In sending a social letter to a retired Admiral (rear or vice) is it necessary to use the prefix in social address? If you don't know whether an Admiral is vice or rear, is it tactful to give him the higher office (vice) in writing and will just Admiral do for social correspondence?

In listing such officers on club stationery, etc…, do you use the title followed by U.S.N. (Ret.) or merely Ret.? The “Ret.” is not used in the telephone book, but perhaps they don't use the prefix either. G. F., Philadelphia.

IN YOUR first question, it is not necessary to use the prefix in social address. On your second question, use the higher title. For social corre- spondence, Admiral will do without a prefix of any kind. The form to use on your last question is U.S.N. (Ret.). In a telephone listing, although the Ret. is not used, the prefix is. – By Amy Vanderbilt, United Feature Syndicate Inc., 1967

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Avoid Scary Halloween Kid’s Behavior

One doesn’t need tea leaves to reveal that “sugar highs” can bring out some pretty low behavior in kids. — “Too many too-sweet treats can turn some usually agreeable children into monsters at home and in school,” says Dr. Jerome Vogel, medical director of the New York Institute for Child Development.

A 2nd Debut article from 2023

NEW YORK (AP) Halloween, among the most profitable holidays in the year for candy sales, can be a nightmare for parents and teachers of certain children, says the medical director of an institute for children with learning problems. “Too many too-sweet treats can turn some usually agreeable children into monsters at home and in school,” says Dr. Jerome Vogel, medical director of the New York Institute for Child Development.

“Many children simply cannot handle the over-large doses of sugar in Halloween candy,” explains Vogel. “Too much sugar can cause irritability, disruptive behavior, decreased attention span and loss of concentration. Headaches and stomach aches are also very common to children the day after Halloween. Parents and teachers have told us they dread this post-Halloween period; there are arguments and fights at home, and classes the next day are virtually unmanageable, with children agitated and restless,” he adds.

The institute, founded in 1968, is a non-profit, diagnostic and treatment facility that focuses on the physical factors that can interfere with learning and affect behavior. In dealing with over 3,000 children with learning problems, the institute has found that nutrition can play a major role in many learning and behavioral problems. Vogel suggests offering less “tricky” treats such as high protein, low-carbohydrate snacks like raisins, cashews, almonds, popcorn, assorted cheeses, apple juice, or apples, which are in peak season at Halloween-time.— Santa Cruz Sentinel, 1982

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Edwardian Etiquette of First Calls

If she is at home you leave no card of your own, but one of your husband’s for an unmarried and two for a married woman.

First Calls and Cards

A first call should be returned within a week: The correct hours for calling are between 3 and 6 in the afternoon. If your hostess is out, you leave one of your own cards for her and two of your husband’s – one for her and one for her husband. 

If she is unmarried, you leave only one of your husband's cards, with the one of your own. If you are unmarried you leave one card of your own.

If she is at home you leave no card of your own, but one of your husband’s for an unmarried and two for a married woman.

The general length of time for a call is about twenty minutes. Anything in the way of an umbrella or parcel that you happen to be carrying should be left in the hall.– Good Form, Riverside Enterprise, 1911

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Stationary Script

The Roman text may still be preferred by those who are accustomed to its use, but it is not nearly as much in vogue as in former seasons.

Cards, Invitations, Etc…

In a general way there is no very marked change in the correct forms of card invitations, letters of introduction or in the convention of visiting cards. The preference for the old English and Colonial text and also for the English script continues, although the Roman text may still be preferred by those who are accustomed to its use, but it is not nearly as much in vogue as in former seasons.– Good Form, Riverside Enterprise, 1911

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Aboriginal Dining Etiquette in Australia

The First Nations People had protocols and etiquette that governed their lives, from what to catch and when to eat certain foods. These early people had their own customs and dining etiquette.

Food is life and for the Indigenous Australians, food is precious and sacred. Who are the Indigenous Australians? They are Aboriginals and Torres Straight Islanders inhabiting the mainland and the 8,222 islands. Australia is the land of plenty.

The First Nations People had protocols and etiquette that governed their lives, from what to catch and when to eat certain foods. These early people had their own customs and dining etiquette. 

What we know: The Australian Law Reform Commission describes Indigenous peoples as the “sole surviving representatives of hunters and gatherers in Oceania” and “bush food continues to form part of the diet of many Aboriginal people outside urban areas.”

Traditionally, there was a strong link between the Indigenous hunting and gathering, the spiritual and regeneration of land, water and fire. There would be an exercise of mindfulness, totemic dance ceremonies where men would share secret names of animals for the management of natural resources, such as the reproduction of animals and insects used for food purposes and the regeneration of vegetation.

The Commission goes onto to explain that there where protocols as to what food that you could consume and “food taboos”:

• a person cannot eat an animal, fruit or vegetable if it is their own totem;
• pregnant women and young women must eat the right food as directed by the elders.”

Studies conducted found that some tribes consumed approximately 90 animal species and 80 plant species. Compared to today in the Western world, where we eat approximately 20 or fewer types of meat and fish. Bush food, otherwise known in Australia as ‘bush tucker’, was eaten mindfully and taken medicinally; they took from the land what they needed and stored it in small quantities. 

Here are lists of foods that they ate seasonally, and were very dependent on the areas they lived in.

• Meats: Kangaroos, Wallabies, Lizards, Emus, Ducks, Crocodiles, Possums, Echidnas, Snakes, Fish, Shellfish, Bilby, Wild Turkey, Dugong, Turtles, Rabbit, Anteaters.
• Insects: Witchetty Grub, Caterpillars, Cicadas, Green Ants, Moths and Beetles.
• Vegetables: Warrigal Greens, Yams, Water Spinach, Bush Tomato, Sea Celery, Salt Bush, Parakeeyla, Sea Asparagus, Southern Seablite, Bloodroot Crystal, Ice Plant, Youlk Potato, Barilla Spinach, Peppercresses, Bush Onion, Native Pigweed.
• Alcohol: Sap of the cider gum.
• Fruit: Kakadu Plum, Finger Lime, Davidson's Plum, Quandong, Wild Orange, Passionfruit, Native Banana, Native Coconut, Mulga Apple, Illawarra Plums, Beach Banana, Lilly Pilly Bush, Banana Or Silky Pear, Breadfruit, Rainforest Cherries, Sunrise Lime, Boab Fruit, Rainforest Lemon, Kangaroo Apple, Quandong, Blood Lime, Desert Lime, Johnstone's River Satinash, Cluster Fig.
• Seeds: Wattle Seed, Cycad Seeds, Casuarina Seeds, Mulga Seeds, Dead Finish Seed, Woollylbutt Grass Seed.
• Eggs: Birds and Lizards.
• Berries: Munthari Berry, Lemon Myrtle, Conkerberry, Ruby Saltbush, Bullock Bush, Native Currant, Atherton Raspberry, Native Juniper, Sparrow's Mango.
• Nuts: Sandalwood Nut, Bunya Nut, Sandalwood Nut, Pindan Walnut,Pandanus, Macadamia Nuts, Sea Almond.
• Honey And Nectars: Native Honey Ants & Bees, Bloodwood, Banksia, Corkwood, Banksia Honey Grevillea Trees.
• Flour: Ground From Grains & Grass Seeds - Acacia Seeds, Native Millet, Kangaroo Grass, Mitchell Grass, Button Grass, Weeping Grass.
• Teas: Peppermint Gum, Strawberry Gum, Elderflower, Blue Spotted Gum, Tick Bush Flower.
• Herbs: Lemon Myrtle, Anise Myrtle, Cinnamon Myrtle, Native Mint, Tamarind Chocolate Lily, Native Lemon Grass, Lemon Verbena, Wild Rosella, Native Thyme, River Mint, Sea Parsley, Bush Sea Rosemary, Wild Basil.
• Spice: Geraldton Wax, Native Caper, Pepper Berry, Native Curry Plant.

Uluru.gov.au explains that it was a woman’s traditional role to forage and prepare food using implements such as wood bowls, digging sticks, and grinding stones. Men were responsible for hunting and foraging, as well as the maintenance of tools such as weapons and hunting devices and creating homes and canoes.

Food would be cooked over open fires or coals, dirt ovens, or hot rock cooking (cooking with rocks heated by fire then put in water). Bush food would be cooked in ways such as boiling, steaming, roasting, smoking. Proteins would be cooked with their skins on and eaten fresh or wrapped in leaves, barks, or paperbark, tied with fish rushes. Storage for dried fruit, berries, grains, teas, and spices may have been created from clay, straw, bark and wood.

So, what is the traditional Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander dining etiquette? Queensland Health sheds light on this:

“There were special rules for dividing food and the Elders received the best portions of each food. But Torres Strait Islanders, because of ‘good pasin’ (cultural sharing), shared the same best portion of the food. When Aboriginal people and Torres Strait Islanders cooked foods, there was also a lot of singing and dancing. This dancing and singing is known as a ‘Corroboree’, ‘shake-a-leg’ or traditional island dancing.”

In a communal sharing area food was served on bark, leaves, straw, in wooden bowls or platters. Fruit, nuts, and berries were gathered and taken from baskets woven from native grasses or pandanus fibre called coolamons or dilly bags. The First Nations people would use their fingers, like the South Asians or Arabs, and graze while enjoying the company of their family and extended relatives.

Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander dining etiquette is grounded in environmental mindfulness and respect for the land, rather than in rooms set with silverware, crockery, tables, and formal entertaining areas. Their connection to animals, insects, and plants was profound, and they cared for them with reverence. Unlike tending to a small apartment or confined space, their home was the open country—vast, boundless lands that sustained them.

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Until recently, Elizabeth was traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi. She is now back in her native Australia, writing etiquette articles, furthering her education, and continuing her etiquette research.

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Party Perfect Manners

Do not “play” with table favors or table decorations unless they are meant to be touched or played with.

Manners for Place Cards, Seating Arrangements, & other Party Topics

Hosts and Hostesses work hard to make sure their parties, special celebrations, weddings and wedding receptions are fun for everyone involved. In order not to ruin a special event or party there are rules that must be followed. Here are the most important:

• If there is a seating chart or seating arrangement, you must not complain about where you are asked to sit.
• You must be polite to everyone, not just your own friends and family.
• You must never move or switch place cards. People spend a lot of time planning where they would like their guests to sit. You may not know why someone has placed you in a particular seat. Do not ask why you are being asked to sit there. It is possible someone's feelings will get hurt if the host or hostess explains their reasons to you.
• Do not “play” with table favors or table decorations unless they are meant to be touched or played with.
• Do not grab at balloons or anything else decorative that might interest you. Balloons are for the enjoyment of everyone attending, not just you.
• Do not pick at the food before it is meant to be served. This is especially important for wedding cakes. Usually, the Bride and Groom are photographed cutting their cake. The photos would not look very nice if young guests have already had their fingers in the frosting.
• Try not to be an “attention hog.” Let the “Guest of Honor,” be the center of attention.
• If you happen to be the Guest of Honor, be gracious and make an effort to talk with each person at your party or celebration. It is impolite to exclude others when they have been invited to celebrate you.

Contributor Maura Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, since 1990, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette.  She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years. Along with teaching and giving talks on old flatware, she was an etiquette consultant for the first 2 seasons of the HBO – Julian Fellowes’ series, “The Gilded Age”

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Early 20th C. View of “Modern Women”

In 1909, the “old-fashioned woman” would be from Jane Austen’s time period. She was late-Georgian Era and then Regency Era. – “Old-fashioned women may have been simple, may not have known the ways of society, may have been ignorant of the laws of polite etiquette and conduct as we understand them today, but they were learned in the wisdom of womanhood and realized its demands. They may not have worn costly jewels, but they kept untarnished the jewel of virtue the brightest and the best which gleams in the crown of womanhood.”

The Old-Fashioned Woman Had Many Graces and Charms Which Might Well be Imitated by Women of Today

There is a revival of the old-fashioned connoisseurs are rummaging the galleries, corners and nooks of Europe and America, spending fortunes to gain possession of old bric-a-brac, old pictures and old furniture, The grandest houses are no longer the new, but those which are rich in memories and objects of the past. Behind the love of the old is a touch of the personal. There under the hill is grandfather's cottage; he built it with his own hands; it stood for grandfather, and we cannot look upon it without associating it with the old man.

There is another who shines in the glow of the past with a radiance all her own, the old-fashioned woman. the woman who made most of her life as it came to her, did her duty honestly and fearlessly as she saw it, interfered with no one, minded her own business, and spent every moment of her time with advantage to herself and her household. The old-fashioned woman made for herself an important place in the work and progress of her time. Her family did not wish to get rid of her, for they could not get along without her. Her husband had never to enter the divorce court on account of his old-fashioned wife.

No matter how limited her means. she adapted herself to all circumstances and rose triumphant above every obstacle. She conserved her strength for every task and accomplished her desire. She who tries to emulate the virtues of the old-fashioned woman in our modern life is the one who makes herself a necessity to her surroundings. The woman of today has larger opportunities than her sisters of the past and should therefore do a larger share of good work. But she must be true to the principles on which her predecessors laid the foundation of their usefulness,

She who would imitate the old-fashioned woman must be womanly, Wo manliness was the keynote of the character of her who in the past blessed the world with her presence. The old-fashioned woman of today need not be, must not be, narrow- minded. She won't cling to old things Just because they are old, nor despise new things because they are new.

The old-fashioned woman can still be old-fashioned and keep abreast with modern progress. Steam heat is better in grandfather's room than the old style of heating it with a grate fire. It is time enough to be conservative when there is no more room for progress. The old-fashioned woman can give to the world many of the best things the past offered, but she has to work with different materials to satisfy different standards.

Conditions have changed, but the lessons of the past are the same. Many of the women of the present do not understand how to run their own households or manage their servants, because they have never been trained themselves in the domestic duties, We hear much of the servant problem, but the mistress problem is more important. The new-fashioned woman in most cases does not understand her servants, hence there is a constant friction and the domestic machinery becomes clogged. The old-fashioned woman understood all about housekeeping and home-making and therefore there was no trouble between mistress and maid.

Woman can make her surroundings. an arid desert of misery where the winds scorch and blast, wither and shrivel the fairest hopes into dust and ashes, or she can make it a flower-bespangled plain where the loftiest ideals o and holiest ambitions blossom and bloom into the fullness of fruition. Woman’s influence has founded thrones and principalities; It has destroyed dynasties and empires. A good woman is the smile of heaven, brightening and vivifying everything which comes under its influence.

Old-fashioned women may have been simple, may not have known the ways of society, may have been ignorant of the laws of polite etiquette and conduct as we understand them today, but they were learned in the wisdom of womanhood and realized its demands. They may not have worn costly jewels, but they kept untarnished the jewel of virtue the brightest and the best which gleams in the crown of womanhood. Our great men and women are the sons and daughters of old-fashioned mothers. In “Who's Who in America” among the story of eleven thousand successful men and women, not one had a fashion-pampered mother, who ate arsenic to improve the complexion, to whom an opera box was Heaven and the Ten Commandments were an inconvenience.

What America wants is at least one million old-fashioned mothers who shall realize that the mightiest influence on earth is the home. Napoleon, in the course of a conversation with Mme. Campan, remarked: “What is yet wanting in order that the people should be properly educated?” “Mothers.” replied Mme. Campan. “Yes,” said the Emperor, “here is a system of education one word. Be it your case, then, to train up mothers who shall know how to educate their children. We need a training school where mothers may learn how to bring up their children. What can you expect from children dismissed to the care of an ignorant hireling.” – By Dr. Madison C. Peters, 1909

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Spotlight on Gabriella Kanyok

  

Meet our Contributor in the Spotlight is Gabriella Kanyok

Meet Gabriella Kanyok,  a diplomatic protocol, etiquette and communication expert with more than 15 years' experience in working with EU institutes, NGOs, international organizations, and supporting professionals. She not only advises and trains government and EU officials, and businessmen in the field of diplomatic protocol and business etiquette, but she leads the communication department of an international organization. Gabriella holds a Master’s degree in International Studies, and a Master’s in Protocol, Diplomacy and Cross Cultural Relations. She speaks Hungarian, English, French, and Mandarin Chinese.

Below are links to Gabriella Kanyok’s articles on etiquette which you’ll find on Etiquipedia:

• Forest Visiting Etiquette
• Social Etiquette and Masked Messaging
• The United Nations’ White Chair
• Black Tie Etiquette
• The Etiquette of Smiles

The following is a Q. & A. with Gabriella:

What was the impetus for starting your Etiquette business or career involving Etiquette?
About 16 years ago, I recognized a significant gap in the availability of etiquette professionals, particularly in Europe and specifically in Hungary. While working at the European Parliament, I observed how customs varied from one country to another. I realized that if etiquette—both general and international business etiquette—were more widely taught throughout Europe, it could greatly benefit professionals in their daily interactions. Upon my return to Hungary, I served as a protocol officer at the Trade Office of the Embassy of the Republic of The Sudan in Budapest, where I was heavily involved in diplomatic protocol. This experience highlighted the growing need for business etiquette. While I initially focused on advising regarding diplomatic protocol, I took a significant step in 2017 by launching my business, Etiquette.hu, to share my knowledge and expertise in this essential field.

Apart from “White Tie Attire,” “Black Tie” is the most formal of all dress codes. It requires a sophisticated level of dressing. For women, the code typically calls for a floor-length dress or gown. While cocktail dresses can be an appropriate option for Black Tie (when the dress is stipulated as “Black Tie optional”), long dresses tend to be a more elevated choice.

What do you find the most enjoyable about what you do with regard to Etiquette in your work?
During my studies for a second master's degree in diplomatic protocol, I developed a passion for table manners and the art of setting a table beautifully for various meals and occasions. What began as a professional focus has now blossomed into a cherished hobby, allowing me to create diverse table settings and share them on my Instagram page and blog. A beautifully arranged table truly fills my heart with joy.

In addition to this, I find great satisfaction in sharing my knowledge through real-life examples, recounting stories of my own challenges and successes as I navigated my career. It’s rewarding to witness the transformations in others, especially when small adjustments in communication or behavior lead to significant outcomes, such as promotions or perfect dates. I firmly believe that manners are always in style, and etiquette offers personal security by protecting the feelings of others, clarifying communication, enhancing your status at work, and ensuring impactful first impressions.

I find great satisfaction in sharing my knowledge through real-life examples, recounting stories of my own challenges and successes as I navigated my career. It’s rewarding to witness the transformations in others, especially when small adjustments in communication or behavior lead to significant outcomes, such as promotions or perfect dates.

What do you find the most rewarding aspect of your career regarding Etiquette?
The most rewarding aspect of my career in etiquette is the opportunity to witness personal growth and transformation in my clients. I find immense joy in helping individuals improve their professional demeanor, refine their communication skills, and enhance their self-presentation. These changes can lead to significant achievements, such as promotions or meaningful relationships. Additionally, sharing my passion for etiquette through creating beautiful table settings allows me to inspire others to appreciate the finer aspects of social interactions, including the importance of proper dining etiquette and appropriate dress codes. Ultimately, knowing that I can positively impact people's lives by boosting their confidence and social acumen is incredibly fulfilling.

Proper etiquette not only aids in securing jobs and promotions but also fosters strong relationships within the workplace. 

What types of classes or training do you offer, if any? If you don’t offer classes or training, how do you share your expertise?
I offer a range of classes and training programs designed to enhance etiquette in various contexts. In the realm of Business Etiquette, I emphasize the importance of good manners as a vital component for success in today’s competitive environment. Proper etiquette not only aids in securing jobs and promotions but also fosters strong relationships within the workplace. 

For professionals navigating the complexities of international relations, I provide training in Diplomatic Protocol, which focuses on the etiquette essential for diplomacy and state affairs, outlining the correct conduct and procedures in this field. 

My Private Coaching sessions offer personalized, one-on-one training tailored to individual needs, ensuring that participants present themselves with a level of polish and professionalism that stands out. Additionally, my Corporate Training programs equip companies with the necessary tools to instill business and international etiquette in their teams, preparing them for global interactions. Lastly, I delve into the nuances of Table Manners, where mastering international dining etiquette is crucial—especially during job interviews and important meetings—ensuring every gesture reflects confidence and grace.

What age group do you enjoy working with most when it comes to etiquette? And why?
I particularly enjoy teaching adolescents and young adults, especially young professionals, about business etiquette. I feel a strong sense of purpose in guiding them as they embark on their career journeys. The teenage years are a pivotal time to shape daily habits and instill a foundation of good manners and etiquette. With young professionals, I find great satisfaction in witnessing their transformation and the positive outcomes that result from incorporating business etiquette into their everyday lives.

While there are general guidelines that govern etiquette, each of us brings a unique perspective shaped by our diverse career paths. This collective knowledge and experience enriches our understanding and helps us all grow in this ever-evolving field.

Who are some of the older etiquette authors or authorities you enjoy reading most?
I greatly admire the works of those established etiquette authors and authorities whose insights resonate with my own values in the field. Additionally, I find the resources available in Etiquipedia to be invaluable. I believe that learning from colleagues in the etiquette community is essential; while there are general guidelines that govern etiquette, each of us brings a unique perspective shaped by our diverse career paths. This collective knowledge and experience enriches our understanding and helps us all grow in this ever-evolving field.

If you would like to reach Gabriella, you can can contact her via her website https://www.etiquette.hu/en/ or find her on Instagram @kgetiquette

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia