Gilded Age Decorum and Etiquette

Much has been said respecting bad servants, and there are a great many bad ones amongst the numerous class; but it is more their misfortune than their fault: they are for the most part taken from a class of society who do not attend properly to the training of their children, and are placed too frequently with those who pay no attention to their comfort.

IT would be difficult to express the sense of etiquette on this subject better than by quoting Lord Chesterfield's words: "I am more upon my guard," he writes, "as to my behavior to my servants and to others who are called my inferiors than I am towards my equals, for fear of being suspected of that mean and ungenerous sentiment of desiring to make others feel that difference which fortune has, and perhaps too undeservedly, made between us."

Much has been said respecting bad servants, and there are a great many bad ones amongst the numerous class; but it is more their misfortune than their fault: they are for the most part taken from a class of society who do not attend properly to the training of their children, and are placed too frequently with those who pay no attention to their comfort.

Treat your servants always with kindness but at the same time with firm respect for yourself; on no account be familiar with them, neither hear their tattle, nor tattle with them, and you will have at least a chance of sometimes making them attentive, zealous, and grateful, and of having your services performed with order and alacrity.

Do not scold your servants; you had better turn them away at once. When they need reproof, give them it in a calm, dignified and firm manner; but on no account, if you can possibly avoid it, find fault with them in the presence of strangers, even though they should let fall the tray with your best set of china upon it.

The ton of the mistress of a house is often affected, if not measured, by that of her servants; take care, therefore, to make them civil and polite-teach them to assist your visitors in putting off and on their over- coats, cloaks, &c. and let them always be ready to open the door when your guests arrive or depart.

Accustom your servants never to appear before you too slatternly or too finely dressed; never allow them to enter into conversation with each other in your presence, nor to answer you by signs or coarse terms. 

If you have only one servant, talk of her by her Christian name; if you have more, talk of them by the names of their offices, such as nurse, cook, housemaid, butler, footman, but always address them by their Christian names.

Although you must avoid all familiar confidential conversation, never speak to your servants with hauteur nor harshness.Never entertain your visitors with any narrative of your servants' improprieties. Give no occasion for them to complain of you; but never suffer yourself to complain of them with- out first ascertaining that your complaint is just, see- ing that it has attention, and that the fault complained of is remedied.

Beware of giving servants the inch; there is no class so prone, under such circumstances, to take the ell.

If staying in a friend's house, you may assume, to a certain extent; that your friend's servants are your servants. But this must be only so far as you are yourself concerned. You must not, on any account, give directions respecting the general conduct of the ménage. For all your own personal wants, however, you are free to command their services. Ask for anything, under their control, that may be lacking in your own room; do not send them on errands, how- ever, without first ascertaining that it will not inter- fere with their regular routine of household duty. It is contrary to all laws of etiquette to trouble your host or hostess with all your petty wants.

Never apologize for the trouble you give them; but if you should, through illness or other cause, occasion more work than a visitor ordinarily brings to a household, let the gift, which, in any case, you would make to the servants on leaving the house, be somewhat heavier than would otherwise have been necessary.

This question of fees to servants is a very important one. Many people are disposed to regard it as an imposition which is tolerated only through the force of custom. Others view it in the light of paying for an extra burden, which their presence has laid upon the servant's shoulders. The latter view, if not entirely the correct one, is, at least, as reasonable as the former, and a generous nature will probably adopt it. "But all cannot afford to make these presents," and "The servants are hired on the express understanding that they will have to serve their employer's guests, as part of the work they are engaged to do.”

With regard to the amount of fees to servants in a household, it is not possible to lay down any precise rule. Much must depend on the length of the visit, the position of the master of the house, and the position in which you are supposed to stand toward him; and on each of these points you must exercise your own discretion, and consult your own means or generosity.

Gentlemen give fees to the men servants only, as a general rule, and ladies give to the female servants only; and though the strict observance of this rule may seem at times to work injustice, it is better to adhere to it than to mar the comfort and position of those who come after you, and who may not have the means of being liberal over and above the pre- scribed standard.

At a dinner party, an evening company, a ball, or like occasions, it is customary, on coming away, to give a trifle, the gentleman to the waiter who hands him his hat, etc., the lady to the attendant in the dressing-room; but you are not called upon to remember every servant in attendance.

Fees to railway porters and others are certainly not required by the rules of etiquette to be paid. The payment of them is indeed forbidden by many of the railway companies; but the receiving of them is winked at, the result being that travelers who want attendance are, for the most part, obliged to pay for it. The system is, however, a pernicious one, and travelers should discourage it as much as possible, if only for the sake of those who cannot afford to sustain it.

It is generally wise and right, after a due experience of the principles and intentions of servants, to place confidence in their honesty, and to let them have the comfort of knowing that you do so. At the same time never cease to exercise a system of supervision. The great principle of housekeeping is regu- larity, and without this (one of the most difficult of the minor virtues to practice), all efforts to promote order must be ineffectual.

In this country, servants are proverbially more troublesome than in Europe, where service is often transmitted through generations in one family. Here, the housekeeper is obliged to change often, taking frequently the most ignorant of the lower classes of foreigners to train into good and useful servants, only to have them become dissatisfied as soon as they become acquainted with others, who instil the republican doctrine of perfect equality into their  minds, ruining them for good servants. There are some points of etiquette, however, upon which every lady should insist :

Never allow a servant to keep people waiting upon the doorstep. 

Never allow servants to treat any one disrespectfully.

Never allow servants to turn their own proper duties over to the children or other servants by a bribe. Many fond parents would be amazed if they knew how much running and actual work was performed by little Nellie or Charlie, and how many fits of mysterious indigestion were caused by the rich cake, candy, or half-ripe fruit that paid for the service and bribed the silence.

Never allow a servant to keep a visitor standing parleying on the door-step, while she holds the door ajar. Train the door-servant to admit any caller promptly, show them to the parlor, bring up their cards at once, and return with your answer or message. — From “Decorum, a practical treatise on etiquette and dress…”, By John A. Ruth and S. L. Louis, 1882

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia