Etiquette of the Ballroom Supper

A ticket to the Patriarch Ball of  New York’s Gilded Age society, in 1892.

The Supper

At most large balls, unless they are very splendid entertainments given by millionaires, the supper is served from the buffet, which means that the guests do not sit down at tables as at a dinner, but seat themselves in chairs placed against the wall of the dining room, or even remain in the ball room or the library, and are served by the waiters or the men guests. 

The menu can be as elaborate or simple as is desired. Bouillon, salads, escalloped oysters, patés, sandwiches, ice cream, fancy cakes and bonbons are usually offered. And champagne, light wines and claret cups are served, while tiny cups of black coffee make an appropriate finale. This is the menu for a big ball; for a smaller dance, bouillon, one hot dish, such as escalloped oysters; chicken, shrimp salad; sandwiches, lobster, or ice cream, cake and coffee will be ample. 

At an informal affair even less will suffice, and salad, ice cream, cake and coffee are all that are really needed. Throughout the evening punch or lemonade is served in an anteroom or a corner of the hall, so that the guests can refresh themselves between the dances.

At large and ceremonious balls one may with perfect propriety arrive at any hour before 12; but at small dances it is considered in better taste to enter the ballroom within an hour of the time specified in the invitation. –By Eleanor B. Clapp, San Francisco Call, 1905 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Collegiate Agony Aunt

At this instant an acquaintance of yours rushes up and begins to tell you her unbelievably low mark, which she just acquired in her examination, She talks volubly, and your friend fidgets from one foot to the other. 

Sally's Social Slants

The purpose of this column (every column has to have a purpose) is for the help of those who would really like to know a little bit more about etiquette. Of course this may be an old story to the disciples of Emily Post, but many a problem arises on the campus which leaves you at a loss.

For instance, you are standing on the lawn between classes, talking to a friend. At this instant an acquaintance of yours rushes up and begins to tell you her unbelievably low mark, which she just acquired in her examination, She talks volubly, and your friend fidgets from one foot to the other. Before you can introduce them (you surmise they have never met) your acquaintance turns her attention to “that screamingly funny thing she just heard in the Co-op.” Your friend, baffled by the names of “Bill,” “Jane” and “Mary,” whom he doesn't know, and who, from her description, sound rather flighty, mutters something to you about “a class” and hurries away.

What To Do?

You are left with the acquaintance who gabbles cheerily on, not realizing that you heard only half of what she was saying. What to do? Should you have broken into her conversation and introduced them, should you have said quietly “We are discussing the football game” thus winning her undying hatred, or should you have raised your voice and drowned her out, introduced them and then quickly sprinted away.

The thing to do! Let us rehearse the scene. You were talking to your friend, you saw your acquaintance coming (unless she sneaked up on you anyhow the result would be the same), with her approaching footsteps your face should leave that of your friend, and fold into a welcoming smile. Meet her rising tide of small talk with a quick “Well, hello (add her name to show you know it) oh, that's too bad about your low grade. Do you know my friend, Ben Gassing? Ben, this is Lotta Smalltalk.” 

Why Not Explain?

Now your duty is done, Let Lotta rave on, or Ben fidget. They know each other. But is your duty done? In a strictly etiquettal (is there euch a word) sense it is. But it seems rather unkind to listen to Lotta's chatter about Mary, Jane, or Bill, when Ben knows nothing about them. If Lotta insists on telling this screamingly funny incident (and why not?) you should say to Ben “Do you know Mary, Jane or Bill?” If he does, so much the better; if he doesn't, and the story involves more than just their names you should explain briefly as “Bill is a football player,” or “Mary runs the feature column.” This puts everyone at his ease, which is the basic purpose of etiquette after all. – From The Oak Leaf, 1940

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and People Who Borrow

Don’t loan ‘Lillian the Leech’ your new face powder! – “Take for example the case of ‘Lillian the Leech.’ She is always borrowing your comb, lipstick, pencil, or bobby pins. She doesn't just ask you for them once in a while, but so often that you wonder if she even has any cosmetics.”

   

Sally’s Social Slants

No large problem launches itself before the etiquette editor this week, so a series of small ones will be taken up. It was suggested by an ironical co-ed to write a theme on “People Who Borrow Money!” I suggest we make it more general and pen a treatise on “people who borrow anything.”

It is, of course all right occasionally, but moderation in this, the same as in other things is always greatly appreciated by the prospective lender. Take for example the case of ‘Lillian the Leech.’ She is always borrowing your comb, lipstick, pencil, or bobby pins. She doesn't just ask you for them once in a while, but so often that you wonder if she even has any cosmetics. Sometimes she even forgets to return them, and you spend your spare time running her down and recovering your belongings.

Then there is ‘Paul the Parasite,’ who, too, is a habitual borrower. You find him in the classrooms, always without a book. He remedies this little difficulty by looking off of yours. He is never prepared for a test, and so of course he must borrow your binder paper, pen, and eraser. Of course this discourse should end by asking quizzically “are you a Lillian or Paul?” and enjoy your confusion. For we all borrow. the important thing to remember is not to borrow too often, and always return the borrowed article in perfect condition. As for money. Ahem! If you borrow this necessary medium of exchange, you should pay it back. 

It is embarrassing to follow someone for days, trail him finally to the Co-Op, and see him lounging in a booth, consuming your rightful money through a straw. Not that you would feel any better if you ran into him purchasing a copy of Homer, but it's the principle of the thing. If he returns it, then it is all right to borrow, but if the lender has to run him down, and finally extract half the original loan from his reluctant person, then it is all wrong!– From the Oak Leaf, 1940

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette: “Hobos, Tramps or Bums”

“Clip this out and paste it in your book of etiquette. You may need it sometimes to save yourself from one of those embarrassing moments, warns the Knickerbocker Press.” – Above, one of the several “kind woman” symbols used by Hobos in the United States in the 1920’s and 1930’s. Common were the outlines and whiskers, with the outline of a heart in the chest.

They Are Different  Very Distinct Class Lines Drawn Among These Groups

To the average man the words “hobo”, “tramp” and “bum” are synonymous terms, used to designate a type of foot-loose, homeless specimen of the genus hobo. They are terms of derogation and opprobrium Not s0! Before calling a hobo a tramp, or either man a bum, be sure you say it with a smile. For there are very distinct class lines drawn among these group: of unskilled and itinerant workers. 

A hobo is a hard worker of the migratory type. He is possessed of a keen sense of his own importance and value to the world that would suffer without his services. The wheat fields of the Southwest, the timberlands in the Northwest, the fruit lands in various parts of the country could not show a profit without the presence of the hobo at strategic moments. 

To displace him in the economic scheme of things would be to keep on hand well fed and employed the whole year around, thousands of men whose services are only required a few weeks or months a year. Another distinction: The hobo travels on wheels, although the ticket office is not always a part of his traveling experience.

The tramp, on the other hand, migrates according to whim chance. And he always walks. Having nowhere in mind to get, he gets there at his leisure. If he works, as he does now and then, it is because of necessity and not through any sense of personal responsibility to society at large. In the mind of the self-respecting hobo, the tramp is distinctly an inferior.

The bum is looked down upon and despised, both by the hobo and tramp. The bum travels nowhere, does nothing and is nobody. He is a parasite of the city, begging. borrowing, stealing, loafing.

Clip this out and paste it in your book of etiquette. You may need it sometimes to save yourself from one of those embarrassing moments, warns the Knickerbocker Press. — The Campbell Press, 1935 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Golden Rules

Drinking and cigar smoking are bad habits; they impair the health and pocket, and lead to a waste of time. Above pictured is an absinthe glass and an absinthe spoon in the shape of the Eiffel Tower —Absinthe was a popular French alcoholic beverage from the 1840’s through the 1890’s, though it was eventually banned for many years in several countries, including the United States. According to the Oxford Artisan Distillery, “Modern Absinthe as we know it, resembles the version of the spirit favoured around the time of the French revolution (1789-1799) and tracked to a home in the village of Couvet, Switzerland. There is some confusion as to whether it was first distilled in its contemporary form by the sisters of the Henroid family or by the French doctor Pierre Ordinaire. The popularity of the potent elixir was championed by doctors belonging to the French army in the 1840s to help prevent fevers and malaria. Throughout its rise in popularity, Absinthe had been believed to alleviate menstrual pain, anaemia, and even bad breath. It became so widely consumed during this period that 5pm became known as ‘the green hour’, better recognised today as ‘happy hour’ which has, of course, changed form slightly.“

1. Never, under any circumstances, assume a responsibility that you can avoid consistently with your duty to yourself and others.

2. Base all your actions upon a principle of right; preserve your integrity of character, and in doing this never reckon on the cost.

3. Remember that self-interest is more likely to warp your judgment than all other circumstances combined; therefore, look well to your duty, when your interest is concerned.

4. Never make money at the expense of your reputation.

5. Be neither lavish nor stingy. Of the two, avoid the latter. A mean man is universally despised, but public favor is a stepping stone to preferment therefore, generous feelings should be cultivated.

6. Say but little; think much, and do more.

7. Let your expenses be such as to leave a balance in your pocket. Ready money is a friend in need.

8. Avoid borrowing and lending.

9. Wine drinking and cigar smoking are bad habits; they impair the health and pocket, and lead to a waste of time.

10. Never relate your misfortune, and never grieve over what you cannot prevent.

11. Cultivate promptness in deciding upon matters that come before you; there are few objects more disagreeable and vexatious than an undecided, vacillating man. Consider thoughtfully, but decide promptly.

12. Never break a business engagement of any kind, if it is possible to meet it. Let nothing cause you to become careless of business etiquette, integrity and promptitude.

13. Let truth and an unwavering faith in God underlie all your motives and actions.— Placer Argus, December 1879

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

How a Young Girl Should Behave

Manners and Modes: A young girl has the temerity to bring a chaperone to a dance — From “Punch” or the “London Charivari” Vol. 158, February 25th, 1920 ~ Chaperons were seen less often in society after World War I 

Etiquette for Girls

After a young girl has greeted her hostess, she ean, if accompanied by an escort, stand talking with him for a few moments while he introduces his friends. Her escort must always dance the first dance with her and take her out to supper. 

A girl who comes to a dance accompanied by a chaperon, which is considered the proper thing in very fashionable society, follows her protector to a seat and remains beside her until she is invited to dance. After this she need not return to her chaperon at the end of every dance if her program is happily filled, but may walk about with her escort, accept a glass of lemonade, or sit and talk with him until claimed for the next dance. 

It is the girl's place to stop dancing first, and she can, if she wishes, dance uninterruptedly through the entire number or cease waltzing at any time she pleases, and her partner should at once acquiesce.

No well-bred girl ever refuses a dance to one man and gives it to another. She can, however, plead fatigue and sit out the dance with some one if she prefers to do so. But she must not sit on the stairs or in secluded corners, or dance more than three or four times with the same man, or she will be criticized or gossiped about. 

When a man asks her for a dance she should reply. "With pleasure," or "Yes, I shall be delighted," or something of that sort, or it is permissible to say, "Thank you very mucir, but I am really too tired to dance this number."

It is etiquette for the masculine guest to ask his hostess for at least one dance, if she is a young woman; if not, be must ask her daughter, niece, or what- ever young girl the ball is given for. He must claim each partner immediately the music begins, and conduct her to a seat when the dance is over, and beg to be excused when he leaves her.

For all dances, whether ceremonious balls or the most informal of evening parties, the etiquette for the guests is the same. except that at the smaller affairs the hostess is considered a sufficient chaperon for all her young guests. – By Eleanor B. Clapp, San Francisco Call, 1905

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Private Jet Etiquette

Flying privately is a wonderful way of traveling without the hassle of crowds, endless security checks, long lines and other flyers demanding you give up the seat you paid extra for, or you were assigned.

As they say, “You can’t take it with you.” If you’ve got the money, why not use it to make your flying experience a really special one?  Flying privately is a wonderful way of traveling without the hassle of crowds, endless security checks, long lines and other flyers demanding you give up the seat you paid extra for, or you were assigned. But whether you're going interstate or international, there are a common sense social and etiquette rules to follow to ensure you're remembered for the right reasons rather than being red-flagged.

Clientele Commands

Commercial airliners have well-established timelines and clear procedures that cabin crew must follow. Whereas executive jet operators have more flexibility, are situationally aware, and sign confidentiality agreements. The private jet company you book through will provide you an opportunity to articulate your needs and expectations for your journey.

Remember the viral photo of US President-elect Donald Trump, Elon Musk and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. eating together on Air Force One? Iconic moment, right? They could have been eating fresh Maine, Damariscotta River oysters paired with Louis Roederer or a private chef-prepared, North Carolinian grass-fed, pasture-raised lamb with organic vegetables from Oregon and a glass of wine from Sonoma County. Instead, they were eating fast food from McDonald's. But that’s the point. When you’re flying private, you can usually indulge in whatever you’re craving at the time.

Staff understand luxury meal service, which includes plating food and serving your food with white gloves. An extensive menu, which can include, like the President of the United States, ordering from your favorite takeouts and restaurants, is encouraged if it makes you happy. They will also understand the drinks to offer and provide sommelier service. 

Staff from butlers to nannies, and even pet care, can be arranged on private flights. If you need the cabin sterilized from top to bottom before you arrive, it can be done. If you need a themed cabin, it can be done. Please note that asking for a food or beverage item(s) or other services that were not previously noted by you on your preference sheet during your flight, may not be fulfilled.

Safety A Priority

Safety is paramount. Private jet flights are subject to the same safety rules as commercial flights. Individual flights may be more expensive, but that doesn’t mean you can control how safety works or tell the cabin host or pilots to fly off course, as each and every flight is logged with departure and arrival airports. Surprisingly, pilots will speak on the safety elements of flying, while the cabin crew prepare to make their clientele comfortable.

Keep in mind that poor and/or unsafe behaviour on flights will not be tolerated. Private jet flights will be grounded at the nearest airport, and no refund will be provided. The safety and well-being of the flight crew are of the utmost importance.

Well, it’s been wonderful hosting you. We have reached the Alphonse Island, Seychelles. On behalf of the crew, we thank you for your company and wish you a pleasant evening.

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi.

www.auersmont.com

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Spotlight on Gabriella Kanyok

 

Meet our Contributor in the Spotlight for February 2025, Gabriella Kanyok

Meet Gabriella Kanyok,  a diplomatic protocol, etiquette and communication expert with more than 15 years' experience in working with EU institutes, NGOs, international organizations, and supporting professionals. She not only advises and trains government and EU officials, and businessmen in the field of diplomatic protocol and business etiquette, but she leads the communication department of an international organization. Gabriella holds a Master’s degree in International Studies, and a Master’s in Protocol, Diplomacy and Cross Cultural Relations. She speaks Hungarian, English, French, and Mandarin Chinese.

Below are links to Gabriella Kanyok’s articles on etiquette which you’ll find on Etiquipedia:

• Forest Visiting Etiquette
• Social Etiquette and Masked Messaging
• The United Nations’ White Chair
• Black Tie Etiquette
• The Etiquette of Smiles

The following is a Q. & A. with Gabriella:

What was the impetus for starting your Etiquette business or career involving Etiquette?
About 16 years ago, I recognized a significant gap in the availability of etiquette professionals, particularly in Europe and specifically in Hungary. While working at the European Parliament, I observed how customs varied from one country to another. I realized that if etiquette—both general and international business etiquette—were more widely taught throughout Europe, it could greatly benefit professionals in their daily interactions. Upon my return to Hungary, I served as a protocol officer at the Trade Office of the Embassy of the Republic of The Sudan in Budapest, where I was heavily involved in diplomatic protocol. This experience highlighted the growing need for business etiquette. While I initially focused on advising regarding diplomatic protocol, I took a significant step in 2017 by launching my business, Etiquette.hu, to share my knowledge and expertise in this essential field.

Apart from “White Tie Attire,” “Black Tie” is the most formal of all dress codes. It requires a sophisticated level of dressing. For women, the code typically calls for a floor-length dress or gown. While cocktail dresses can be an appropriate option for Black Tie (when the dress is stipulated as “Black Tie optional”), long dresses tend to be a more elevated choice.

What do you find the most enjoyable about what you do with regard to Etiquette in your work?
During my studies for a second master's degree in diplomatic protocol, I developed a passion for table manners and the art of setting a table beautifully for various meals and occasions. What began as a professional focus has now blossomed into a cherished hobby, allowing me to create diverse table settings and share them on my Instagram page and blog. A beautifully arranged table truly fills my heart with joy.

In addition to this, I find great satisfaction in sharing my knowledge through real-life examples, recounting stories of my own challenges and successes as I navigated my career. It’s rewarding to witness the transformations in others, especially when small adjustments in communication or behavior lead to significant outcomes, such as promotions or perfect dates. I firmly believe that manners are always in style, and etiquette offers personal security by protecting the feelings of others, clarifying communication, enhancing your status at work, and ensuring impactful first impressions.

I find great satisfaction in sharing my knowledge through real-life examples, recounting stories of my own challenges and successes as I navigated my career. It’s rewarding to witness the transformations in others, especially when small adjustments in communication or behavior lead to significant outcomes, such as promotions or perfect dates.

What do you find the most rewarding aspect of your career regarding Etiquette?
The most rewarding aspect of my career in etiquette is the opportunity to witness personal growth and transformation in my clients. I find immense joy in helping individuals improve their professional demeanor, refine their communication skills, and enhance their self-presentation. These changes can lead to significant achievements, such as promotions or meaningful relationships. Additionally, sharing my passion for etiquette through creating beautiful table settings allows me to inspire others to appreciate the finer aspects of social interactions, including the importance of proper dining etiquette and appropriate dress codes. Ultimately, knowing that I can positively impact people's lives by boosting their confidence and social acumen is incredibly fulfilling.

Proper etiquette not only aids in securing jobs and promotions but also fosters strong relationships within the workplace. 

What types of classes or training do you offer, if any? If you don’t offer classes or training, how do you share your expertise?
I offer a range of classes and training programs designed to enhance etiquette in various contexts. In the realm of Business Etiquette, I emphasize the importance of good manners as a vital component for success in today’s competitive environment. Proper etiquette not only aids in securing jobs and promotions but also fosters strong relationships within the workplace. 

For professionals navigating the complexities of international relations, I provide training in Diplomatic Protocol, which focuses on the etiquette essential for diplomacy and state affairs, outlining the correct conduct and procedures in this field. 

My Private Coaching sessions offer personalized, one-on-one training tailored to individual needs, ensuring that participants present themselves with a level of polish and professionalism that stands out. Additionally, my Corporate Training programs equip companies with the necessary tools to instill business and international etiquette in their teams, preparing them for global interactions. Lastly, I delve into the nuances of Table Manners, where mastering international dining etiquette is crucial—especially during job interviews and important meetings—ensuring every gesture reflects confidence and grace.

What age group do you enjoy working with most when it comes to etiquette? And why?
I particularly enjoy teaching adolescents and young adults, especially young professionals, about business etiquette. I feel a strong sense of purpose in guiding them as they embark on their career journeys. The teenage years are a pivotal time to shape daily habits and instill a foundation of good manners and etiquette. With young professionals, I find great satisfaction in witnessing their transformation and the positive outcomes that result from incorporating business etiquette into their everyday lives.

While there are general guidelines that govern etiquette, each of us brings a unique perspective shaped by our diverse career paths. This collective knowledge and experience enriches our understanding and helps us all grow in this ever-evolving field.

Who are some of the older etiquette authors or authorities you enjoy reading most?
I greatly admire the works of those established etiquette authors and authorities whose insights resonate with my own values in the field. Additionally, I find the resources available in Etiquipedia to be invaluable. I believe that learning from colleagues in the etiquette community is essential; while there are general guidelines that govern etiquette, each of us brings a unique perspective shaped by our diverse career paths. This collective knowledge and experience enriches our understanding and helps us all grow in this ever-evolving field.

If you would like to reach Gabriella, you can can contact her via her website https://www.etiquette.hu/en/ or find her on Instagram @kgetiquette

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia