Gilded Age Carriage Etiquette

The correct and incorrect manners of helping a lady into a carriage — A young gentleman always gives his right arm to an elderly lady in walking with her as a continuation of the “carriage etiquette,” which always puts the gentleman on the lady’s left.

As Rome Does

Etiquette in Rome is very strict as to one point. It is not considered proper for lady to take the arm of a gentleman in a Catholic church. In walking about St. Peter’s, the guides mention this to the couples who innocently stroll arm in arm, looking at the statues, pictures, altars and frescoes of that wonderful interior. Perhaps this is because any idea of its being a promenade should be discouraged. 

A gentleman remonstrated with the guide on one occasion, saying that the lady with him was his mother, and lame. “Then put your hand under her arm,” said the guide; “but do not let her take your arm.” A young gentleman always gives his right arm to an elderly lady in walking with her. When being asked why this is done, he answers that it is a “continuation of the carriage etiquette,” which always puts the gentleman on the lady’s left. — Weekly Butte Record, 1886

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Shoe Etiquette for Brides

Considering Color... If you are familiar with the old saying, “Something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue,” why not make your shoes blue? Or any other color for that matter?

Planning the perfect wedding means tackling dozens of details, not the least of which is choosing the perfect shoes for your big day. While you want them to be beautiful, you’ll also want them to be comfortable, because nothing can tread on such a special day like painful, ill-fitting shoes can. 

Many modern brides will opt for a few pairs of shoes to change into throughout different parts of the big day. For example, a traditional pair of heels, while lovely for the ceremony, can be traded for a more relaxed pair of flats— or even comfortable boots! — for dancing at the reception. Here are my top tips for finding the perfect shoes for your wedding day:


1. Find Your Dress First

Before you start your shoe search, it’s important to find your perfect dress. Of course, you can keep an eye out for shoes, but when it comes down to the big day, you’ll want shoes that match your dress. You might surprise yourself by selecting a dress that’s short or has more embellishments than you were expecting and this will alter what type of shoe you should get. Brides who choose shorter dresses often opt for more elaborate heels because you can see the entirety of the shoe. You may also need higher heels if your dress is on the long side to keep it from dragging.

2. Consider Color

If you are familiar with the old saying, “Something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue,” why not make your shoes blue? Or any other color for that matter? Colors that signify good luck or fertility from one’s culture or nationality, can also be good choices. Whether they are going to be hidden under your long dress or not, you can have some fun with a colorful pair of heels or flats that make you feel happy on your wedding day.

3. Avoid Stilettos

Consider your venue before selecting your shoe style, shape and heel height. An outdoor ceremony with cobblestones or grass will restrict your shoe options. Stilettos make a poor choice for many brides. They are not as stable as chunky heels and wedges, and they will sink into grass, so you should stay away from them and instead opt for a block heel or wedge shoe for an outdoor wedding. Are the acoustics in a venue going to amplify any noises your shoes are making as you walk down the aisle? Types of flooring and any areas in which you will be walking are both things to keep in mind, and then double check, at your rehearsal.

4. Try Shoes on Before Purchasing

Before you commit to your wedding shoes, make sure to try them on. Walk around in them a bit. You will likely be on your feet all day, so it is essential that they are comfortable from the start. Do the shoes rub anywhere? Do they pinch? You might want a larger size or width of shoe because no one wants blisters when they are walking down the aisle. To make your shoes more comfortable, you can try replacing the insole with an orthotic version, or padded version, that will be more supportive and less restrictive to your arches and heels.

5. Choose More Than One Pair

As many modern brides will switch out their footwear for the wedding reception, and a few will even change dresses! This is generally because they want to be more comfortable for the dancing portion of the evening, but could also be to make a second style statement. If you are holding a winter wedding, this might be the time to wear a stylish pair of comfortable boots with your second dress. Whatever shoes you ultimately choose, you are certain to look magical when your big day arrives.

 

Contributor Rae Steinbach is a graduate of Tufts University with a combined International Relations and Chinese degree. After spending time living and working abroad in China, she returned to NYC to pursue her career and continue curating quality content. Rae is passionate about travel, food, and writing (of course).

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Supreme Court Etiquette of Old

 

Pictured above, Chief Justice Morrison-Waite . Morrison-Waite was the Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court from 1874 to 1888. At the time, the wife of the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court was considered the official “First Lady” of the United States, as the Supreme Court positions were appointments for life, unlike the position of President, which is merely a temporary position, or “temp job.”

In former times, lawyers were expected to appear before the Court in full evening dress, but that custom has been relaxed, and the customary dress for members of the Bar is a black frock coat and black trousers. Occasionally, though, a deviation from this is observed, chiefly among lawyers from the West, where such things are not closely attended to, and the Court passes it over. But when a Western lawyer some time ago presumed to appear before the Court without a cravat, the Justices caused it to be intimated to him that such free and easy attire was not agreeable to them. 

The Supreme Court takes precedence of every other body in the Government, ranking in official etiquette next to the President and his official family. On formal occasions, the members walk next the President and his Cabinet, and they are entertained at dinner at the White House before either House of Congress. On the day they organize for the full term — the first Monday in October — they immediately proceed to the White House to pay their respects formally to the President. As soon as the members of the Court are ushered into the East Room, the President appears. To keep the Court waiting five minutes would be an unpardonable breach of etiquette. — Daly Alta, 1886

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Hungarian Business Etiquette

There is an old Hungarian saying:

“A zúrt nagykapu mellett, mindig van egy kiskapu”

Or...

“If the big gate is closed, there’s always a little gate open”

Hungarikum

This term is a combination of “Hungary,” or “Hungaria” and ‘‘unikum’’ meaning “unique.” Hungarians view themselves as citizens quite different from those of other European countries. It can refer to their food, family values, language, folk music, dancing, etiquette and respect. 

The Hungarian language – Magyer— is a unique language that stands under the umbrella of the Uralic language family. The closest known language to Hungarian is the Finnish. Many Hungarians mention this to show uniqueness and it is a source of pride. Hungarians are very respectful and etiquette oriented and will be very aware to show it and expect it to be returned.

Hungarian Names

Before knowing how to use Hungarian greetings it is wise to understand how Hungarians name themselves.

• Hungarians will use surname then first name: Kovács Erzsébet.
• Hungarians will introduce themselves using their surname first and then first name.
• Some married women may want to keep their maiden surname or take on their husbands or take on both names. The word: né is an indicator of marital status. Example: If a woman’s name is “Kovács Erzsébet” and her husband’s name is “Nagy Imre,” she may choose “Nagy Imrené” or she may choose “Kovácsné Nagy Erzsébet.”
• Children traditionally will take on the father’s surname. Hyphenated names are becoming more common than in the past.
• As a term of endearment between friends and family, names can be shortened. For example, men named “Zoltan,” will be called “Zoli.” Or women named “Erzsébet,” may be called “Erzi” as a shortened name.
•  Traditionally, Hungarians may have been named after a religious saint.

Hungarian Greetings 

• In the past, greetings have been gender and aged based.
• It’s best to wait until you are told how a person wants to be addressed, before addressing someone you are meeting.
• The older generation may bow to you.
• If you are known by someone and you have met several times, the person will then use your first name.
• A firm handshake and making eye contact is a suitable greeting.
• Friends and relatives will greet each other with a hug and kiss on each cheek, starting on the left side.
• Men will shake hands only if the women extends her hand first.
• Adults will greet children and teenagers by their first names.
• Children and teenagers will be told how to address an adult.
• During Soviet rule, many Hungarian honorifics were erased from social greetings.

How to Use Honorifics

Please look at the above table and the corresponding numbers to see how to use these Hungarian honorifics. Please note, not everyone will use these terms:

1. “Kovács úr Péter” (surname úr firstname)
2. “Kovács né asszony” (surname)
3. “Mária Kisasszony” (firstname)
4. “Kovács Erzsébet úrhölgy”
5. Kovács néni (using surname), Mária néni (using firstname)
6. Kovács bácsi (using surname), Péter bácsi (using firstname)
7. Kislány Kovács (using surname), Kislány Mária (using firstname)
8. Kisfiú Kovács (using surname), Kisfiú Péter (using first name)


Hungarian Communication

• Hungarian style of communication can be blunt, direct and controversial. To make a point, they will tell a story, use anecdotes with emotion and intensity, mainly to get you thinking. Replying straight after a statement is key, rather than holding back will avoid raising their suspicion.
• Even though Hungarians pride themselves on using etiquette, they will ask probing questions that may make you feel uncomfortable. It is best to have an answer. This will assist in creating trust and open the way for you to ask a tricky question back later.
• Embarrassing a Hungarian in public can be reprehensible on your part. This will lead to bad and lasting ill-feelings. If you feel the need to criticize leave it to a time when you both have privacy.
• Hungarians tend not to show physical affection in public however, this is slowly changing in modern Hungary. There will be differences in how genders display physical contact and based on how well they know each other.
• Personal space for a Hungarian is essential. Crowding them in or getting too close can make them feel uncomfortable.
• Eye contact is especially important. Not looking straight into the eyes of someone can trigger thoughts that the person is hiding something, and they will not pursue friendship or cut their conversation quickly.

Hungarian Business Etiquette 

Hungarians place value on the efforts that go into building business relationships. The efforts include you repeated correspondence, meeting up over time whether it be at a café, restaurantor cultural events, and on the understanding, it takes time and patience. Reciprocating the invitation is advisable, this will build trust and long-term business relationships. Being referred by a Hungarian counterpart is an excellent way to skip some of the beforementioned processes.

• Being on time is key for good social and business relationships to flourish. If you are delayed, immediately call and apologize. Give a reason for being late and promise to be there as soon as you can.
• Appointments should be made two weeks in advance.
• Constantly cancelling appointments will be a red flag to your Hungarian counterpart. Business may not proceed.
• Using titles has been particularly important to Hungarians. Not using someone’s title could mean you are not serious and show disrespect. Always check your previous correspondence and find out the name that your business counterpart prefers to use.
• Hungarians are better with face-to-face contact then through emails, phone calls, Zoom or Skype.
• Initially upon meeting use small talk to get the conversation and trust going. Wait for your business counterpart to steer the conversation. 
• Talking business straight away will concern your Hungarian counterpart. Building trust and showing sincerity is a better route to go. Pressuring business partner and being confrontational will put an end to all business relations.
• Hungarian businesses will have a hierarchical structure which they expect you will respect. 
• If you are wearing a jacket and want to take it off, wait to be invited.
• When there is an agenda, it is best to stay within the agenda, if there are any side topics that can be brought up at the end or at another time.
• Hungarians are incredibly detailed orientated and do not like surprises. When doing business, you need to be open and transparent. Allow for changes to contracts and open dialogue when doing business.
• In dealing with Hungarians in Hungary, during the summer months (July to mid-August), holidays period from mid-December to mid-January will difficult to schedule appointments, especially Friday afternoons.

Hungarian Business Greetings

• Hungarians are very conscious to call you by the name you want to be called by. If you have in your correspondence: Dr Margret Smith, you will be introduced as “Dr Smith Margret.”
• Finding out that you are a CEO or higher rank, you will be given the respect as they would treat you within a Hungarian company.
• If you hear a Hungarian telling you about their university degree upon meeting them, take interest in this and acknowledge the achievement. It is considered a great feat to go to university and pay for it’s fees. 
• If you are doing business within Hungary, its best to invest in a translated business card. One side should be in English or your country of origin and the other side, in Hungarian. Your card should include your surname first, and first name last and any degree abbreviations you have achieved.
• Many Hungarians will know a few languages, depending on the area they where born in and what they have learned in school. This could range from high and low German, French, Croatian, Serbian, Romanian or Russian.

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

New ‘Approved Etiquette’ of 1880

“I certainly would consider sharing this carriage ride with you if you weren’t wearing such an outlandish suit. That loud plaid won’t be fashionable for several years!” — The fashionable girl now lays her head on the shoulder of her male companion when traveling, according to a Cincinnati Enquirer writer...

Filed Under “Sensible Advice”

The fashionable girl now lays her head on the shoulder of her male companion when traveling, according to a Cincinnati Enquirer writer, who says: “The nicest girls do it, and they are so demure, so innocent, so unconscious in their manner that nobody could deem the practice harmful. They have the unconcerned air of using a pillow. This would have been reprehensible a year ago; now fashion and mothers permit it. But the man must not so far forget himself as to slyly hug the girl. If he does, she pops bolt upright, and will lean on him no more forever. That is new but approved etiquette.” — The Daily Herald, 1880

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Hungarian Social and Dining Etiquette

In the 18th century café tables became smaller, la petite table or gueridon, allowing more people to fit in. In cafés, tables were made from marble with wrought iron legs, making the ideal shape for collaborations and comfortable communication. The middle-class coffee-houses had square tables with solid mahogany legs. Over time, many cafés removed walls to allow patrons to eat and drink coffee in gardens. They soon completed with many restaurants due to their expanding hot and cold menus. Coffee was always served in glasses and never cups, unless requested.— György Klösz, Cafe Reitter on Andrássy Avenue Opposite the Opera House (1896). Photograph source, Kiscell Collection, Budapest History Museum

Hungarikum

This term is a combination of “Hungary,” or “Hungaria” and ‘‘unikum’’ meaning “unique.” Hungarians view themselves as citizens quite different from those of other European countries. It can refer to their food, family values, language, folk music, dancing, etiquette and respect. 

The Hungarian language – Magyer— is a unique language that stands under the umbrella of the Uralic language family. The closest known language to Hungarian is the Finnish. Many Hungarians mention this to show uniqueness and it is a source of pride. Hungarians are very respectful and etiquette oriented and will be very aware to show it and expect it to be returned.

Hungarian Names

Before knowing how to use Hungarian greetings it is wise to understand how Hungarians name themselves.

• Hungarians will use surname then first name: Kovács Erzsébet.
• Hungarians will introduce themselves using their surname first and then first name.
• Some married women may want to keep their maiden surname or take on their husbands or take on both names. The word: né is an indicator of marital status. Example: If a woman’s name is “Kovács Erzsébet” and her husband’s name is “Nagy Imre,” she may choose “Nagy Imrené” or she may choose “Kovácsné Nagy Erzsébet.”
• Children traditionally will take on the father’s surname. Hyphenated names are becoming more common than in the past.
• As a term of endearment between friends and family, names can be shortened. For example, men named “Zoltan,” will be called “Zoli.” Or women named “Erzsébet,” may be called “Erzi” as a shortened name.
•  Traditionally, Hungarians may have been named after a religious saint.

Hungarian Greetings 

• In the past, greetings have been gender and aged based.
• It’s best to wait until you are told how a person wants to be addressed, before addressing someone you are meeting.
• The older generation may bow to you.
• If you are known by someone and you have met several times, the person will then use your first name.
• A firm handshake and making eye contact is a suitable greeting.
• Friends and relatives will greet each other with a hug and kiss on each cheek, starting on the left side.
• Men will shake hands only if the women extends her hand first.
• Adults will greet children and teenagers by their first names.
• Children and teenagers will be told how to address an adult.
• During Soviet rule, many Hungarian honorifics were erased from social greetings.

Hungarian Families

Hungarians love their families and the centre of the social structure. Grandparents play an important role in helping to raising and teaching their grandchildren. They have strong ties with their immediate family and will live in proximity to their children. In years before, extended families often lived together and may still in the country areas. Food plays a huge role between families and friends. It is a way to show love and generosity.

Hungarians have tended to a patriarchal society, where the male is the authority. Historically, in some country areas, women ate around the dining room, whilst the men sat on chairs at the table. Today city and suburban areas, the main decision makers are both partners and families have modernised in customs and attitudes.


Hungarian Dining Etiquette

Hungarian pride resides in that Hungarians enjoy using the correct forms and want everyone to do the same. Here are forms of etiquette to know:

• Arriving on time is key in showing respect, you will have 5 – 10 minutes “grace time.” At a party you will have a grace period of 30 minutes.
• Replying to an invitation is essential, in a few days of receiving it, not at the last minute.
• Many houses require that you take off your shoes and you will be given slippers, otherwise known as “papucs.”
• Its rude to walk around the house, you are there for socialising, building relationships and enjoying the home cooking and hospitality.
• When in the company of a person, humming, fidgeting, whistling is considered impolite.
• Never make disparaging remarks about Hungarian food, wine and spirits. 
• If you have religious requirements or food allergies, please make your host aware beforehand, never on the day!
• When sneezing, use a tissue. 
• When yawning your mouth should be covered. 
• Never pick your teeth in front of guests or family. 
• Elbows never go onto the table.
• If you are not a close friend, arriving unannounced to someone’s house will cause unease.
• Always use your formal dining manners at any meal and wait for the host to start.
• Most Hungarian meals will be a three-course meal and sometimes even more.
• Breakfast will be a quick and light meal. Lunch traditionally was the main meal of the day however dinner is fast becoming the main meal.
• Leaving food on your plate is considered rude, as is seasoning your meal with salt and pepper. It may be showing you do not like the food or that the chef is a bad cook.
• If you do not want your glass to be re-filled, leave ½ of wine in the glass. Traditionally, it has been the male of the house that will fill your glass.
• Leaving your place setting neat and tidy with cutlery in the correct place on your plate when finished is a sign of politeness.
• It is traditional for the host to offer and re-offer food and drinks during your lunch or dinner. Offering food and beverages are an indicator of friendship and hospitality.
• You may be served palinka which is a fruit brandy, before or after a meal. Your host will want to drink it with you. Before drinking you will look your host or guests in their eyes, clink glasses and say to your health: Egészségedre or to our health: Egészségünkre.
• Never clink glasses with beer. This goes back to Hungary's 1848 revolution against the Habsburgs. Hungarians vowed not clinking glasses should happen for 150 years. Even now that the time period has now ended, it is still not done.
• When invited, bring gifts such as chocolates, flowers or Western liquor that cannot be found in the supermarket or local corner shop.
• Never bring wine as national pride lies in the wine that is produced in Hungary.
• When bringing a gift, it may be opened in front of you and be thanked for it.
• Many people are superstitious in Hungary and avoid the number 13. When bringing flowers check the number of flowers making sure the total is an odd number. Also avoid lilies, chrysanthemums or red roses.

Talking Topics

• One of the Hungarian characteristics is the love of socialising and sharing stories.
• Positively talking about food, wine, spirits and the how you want to visit certain places in Hungary one day, or even your great experiences traveling there, asking about their family members or talking about good friendships you have had with other Hungarians, will win friends
• Talking about bodily functions, animals, World War I & II, Communism, a person’s economic means, ethnic minorities in Hungary (which may include gypsies and refugees), may be offensive and make your host unhappy.
• Great talking topics: Rubik’s Cube invented by Ernő Rubik, the biro pen invented by László Bíró, Vitamin C discovered by Albert Szent-Györgyi, Olympic Games where476 medals were won. Winning the FIFA World Cup in 1954.

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Canine Calling Cards

A dog playfully chews over the day’s news... Dated May 4, 1892, this Pairpoint Silver, gilded age, calling card tray would be at the ready to receive cards from visitors. Calling cards were the forerunners of today’s modern business card.

A Silly Fashion

“Oh, ha, ha! Just a little mention of a tiny absurdity before I append my autograph. Will you believe that my Lady Frivolity and the Misses Brainless made me a morning call while I was out, and with their precious cards I found a bit of pasteboard, about an inch long and a half an inch wide, which bore the name duly engraved upon it, of “Mr. Shepherd Collie!” It was fully one minute before this delightful joke dawned upon me with all its blinding luminosity. Mr. Shepherd Collie was their collie dog, who was accompanying them on their round of calls. 

Desiring not to be behind in the rigid etiquette of social life, I hied me to my stationer in order to cause to be engraved the same sort of card, with the names of my own canine family, ‘The Misses Poodle.’ But, bless you, the modish stationer keeps that sort of thing in stock. I found ready engraved—size, one and a quarter inches by a half of an inch, and done up in the usual visiting card packages of 100—‘Miss Minnie Black and Tan,’ ‘Mr. Suttie Pug,’ ‘Mrs. Willoughby Pug,’ ‘Mr. Frank Fox Terrier’ and ‘many others,’ as the ball lists say.”— Olive Logan in the Philadelphia Times, 1885

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

‘At Home’ and Bonnet Etiquette of 1886

If a lady is not able to be present, she has but to mail her card to arrive on the afternoon on which the tea is given, and later when the hostess looks ever her cards she discovers who were present in person and who acknowledge her invitation by sending cards. The “At Home” is a miscellaneous after, and special acceptances or regrets are quite out of place. 

The etiquette of the “At Home” is by no means the etiquette of the ball, the lunch, or the dinner. People talk of sending “Regrets” in response to an “At Home,” which is not at all the thing to do. If a lady is not able to be present, she has but to mail her card to arrive on the afternoon on which the tea is given, and later when the hostess looks ever her cards she discovers who were present in person and who acknowledge her invitation by sending cards. The “At Home” is a miscellaneous after, and special acceptances or regrets are quite out of place. 

The practice of removing the bonnet at lunch is almost exclusively confined to Boston. In New York, no lady would dream of removing her bonnet at lunch any more than she would in church. In the dining-rooms at the Windsor and the Victoria, it is exceptional to see a lady without a bonnet at the luncheon hour, while in Boston, at the Vendome, it is as exceptional to see one with her hat, unless it is a transient guest.— Boston Traveller, 1886

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia