Wedding Gift Etiquette

Crystal ashtrays and electric percolators were very popular wedding gifts in 1975. Wedding gifts should always be acknowledged with a note of thanks from the newly married couple within 6 weeks of the wedding. Guests do not expect to receive their gifts to be returned if a couple’s tastes or needs no longer require them. Gifts can always be donated to charity. Never send a gift back to the gift giver, especially after a year. It is an insult and an exhibition of one’s relaxed etiquette standards.

Dear Mrs. Tobin: My daughter and son-in-law have been married a year and they recently took up the Mormon faith. One of my friends wrote and told me the beautiful crystal ash tray she sent them for a wedding gift had been returned to her along with a note explaining that they no longer had any need for such an item. Another friend had an electric percolator returned with the same message. Although I'm proud of the children I don’t feel they are handling the situation properly. Will you express your views, please? – Mrs. S. 

Dear Mrs. S.: To return any gift at any time, simply because one can no longer use it, is a breach of etiquette. And a year later? Really! The Goodwill is happy to receive unwanted merchandise. – By Riv Tobin, Copley News Service, 1975

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Wedding Gifts

The gift display has not gone out of style, says Miss Black, but more effort is directed towards showing presents harmoniously and in good taste. Growing in favor is the trousseau tea, she says. This is given by the bride’s mother for relatives and friends and is the only opportunity for them to see all the gifts. – Frank Sinatra and Celeste Holm perusing wedding gift display and singing, “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” In the 1956 film “High Society” – Image source, Pinterest

Display of Wedding Gifts in Good Taste

When wedding plans are made, give some thought to the delicate subject of what you’ll do with the wedding gifts. A mother of a June bride-to-be asked me what current attitudes are on the display of wedding gifts and for the answer I checked with a top-notch bridal consultant, Norma Black.

Some customs are changing. Many mothers of this year’s brides were married in wartime in small and extremely simple weddings; displays and fancy receptions weren’t feasible or desirable. We can also remember the gala weddings of pre-war days when gifts were displayed like so much loot with cards attached and sometimes even the wrappings.

NOT OUT OF MODE

The gift display has not gone out of style, says Miss Black, but more effort is directed towards showing presents harmoniously and in good taste. Growing in favor is the trousseau tea, she says. This is given by the bride’s mother for relatives and friends and is the only opportunity for them to see all the gifts.

If the reception is given at home, gifts may be displayed at the time in a separate room. When the reception is held in a public place, gifts may be shown to friends in the home a few days prior to the wedding day. In any event, displays are always at the home, never in a public reception hall.

SHOW THEM ALL

If space allows, all gifts should be shown. In limited space, show gifts from close relatives and friends. When duplicates have been received, only one of the items need be displayed.

Do not include gift cards or wrappings in the arrangement of presents. If checks are shown - and this is a matter of choice - the amounts should be covered, although this will work a hardship on the ladies who enjoy comparing who gives what and how much.

The arrangement itself reflects the taste of the family, Miss Black believes. White or ecru linens should cover the tables and decorations (candles, flowers, etc...) used sparingly.

An easy rule to remember is that a well-balanced display needs a high and a low point. Group in one place items that will be used together. Show just a few pieces from tablewear sets.

ARRANGE SILVER

For example, if the bride’s parents have given her the traditional sterling silver flatware, show just one place setting. Arrange the sterling in a place setting with pieces of her china and crystal surrounded by serving pieces which will be used with them.

Other types of wedding gifts such as kitchen appliances, household items and linens can be arranged in attractive individual groupings at one end of the display table or on separate tables.

Because a wedding gift display is a concentration of highly desirable items. I would consult local police officials about safety precautions.– By Kay Sherwood, Newspaper Enterprise Assn., May, 1962

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

1950’s Bridal Etiquette

Usually a bride will find one is sufficient. If the little miss is quite young, she will need training in what to do and this takes time.

Reader Asks: Can Bride Use Two Flower Girls?

Q. Is it proper to use more than one flower girl? Mrs. M. M., Redlands.
A. Yes. Use as many as you wish. Usually a bride will find one is sufficient. If the little miss is quite young, she will need training in what to do and this takes time.

Q. When are bridal gifts opened if they are received just prior to the ceremony? Mrs. E.R., San Bernardino.
A. There are several schools of thought on this. Some couples open the gifts together during the reception. During this hectic time, cards may be lost and "thank you's" forgotten when the givers are watching the gift opening. It is much safer to put last- minute gifts aside and open them after the honeymoon. Then thank-you notes will not be forgotten. All bridal gifts opened before the ceremony should be displayed if the reception follows in the home of the bride.

Q. Can the bride wear white at a second wedding? I have seen it done and wonder if it is correct. Mrs. J.S., San Bernardino
A. No! No! This is a breach of bridal etiquette and should not be done. A pale blue or pink is lovely for a second wedding, and these colors are worn many times at a first marriage. — San Bernardino Sun, 1954

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1914 Engagement Etiquette

Friends of a bridegroom who are unacquainted with the bride’s family send their wedding presents to him, and he forwards them to the bride’s mother, so that they may be on view with the other presents on the wedding day.

An engaged girl should write to her personal friends to tell them the news, while her mother writes to older relatives and friends.

Letters of congratulation in answer to these should be written as soon as possible. Young girls do not write to their men friends to congratulate them on an engagement. They either congratulate them personally or not at all.

It is considered extremely bad form for engaged couples to be too demonstrative in public. They should try to be as natural and unaffected as possible, so as to avoid causing embarrassment to others.

The engagement ring should always be worn once it has been placed in position. It is useful as a friendly warning to any unwary and over susceptible admirers.

Those who invite engaged couples to their houses should make a point of sending them down to dinner together and of doing all in their power to show that they recognize and approve of the engagement.

A girl may dance practically as often as she pleases with her fiance, although, of course, she will do well not to forget entirely all her old friends in this respect.

It is the girl’s privilege to ask any friends she likes to act as her bride’s maids, but it is an understood thing that some relative of the bridegroom shall be among the number.

Friends of a bridegroom who are unacquainted with the bride’s family send their wedding presents to him, and he forwards them to the bride’s mother, so that they may be on view with the other presents on the wedding day.— Trinity Journal, 1914

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Bridal Etiquette and Thanks

In 1957, Amy Vanderbilt wrote that no one may write notes of thanks for the bride. Wrote Vanderbilt, “It is a social responsibility she alone must fulfill.” But a more modern etiquette has evolved since then, and it is refreshingly common for new spouses to assist one another in writing notes of thanks for wedding gifts they receive. We believe Amy would approve!

Q. “What is the most frequent error that brides make?”

A. People can smile tolerantly and forgive any little mistakes that can easily happen at a wedding or a reception. But the thing they are most often deeply hurt by is the bride’s failure to acknowledge their wedding gifts promptly and properly. It is never correct to send printed cards of thanks for wedding gifts.

Wedding gifts should always be acknowledged with handwritten notes as soon after their receipt as possible, within 3 months at the very outside. They may be short, but they should be sincere, appreciative, and should mention the gift itself, even where literally hundreds of gifts have been received. And no one may write them for the bride. It is a social responsibility she alone must fulfill. –Amy Vanderbilt, 1957 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Elizabeth Post’s Wedding Etiquette

Wedding etiquette... one of society's most perennial problems

By Elizabeth Post

Details...

Dear Mrs. Post: Who has the right to plan the wedding reception details, such as number of guests’ to invite, planning for decorations and food, etc.? It has been a question between mother and daughter. —Laura

Dear Laura: Although I don’t like putting it on that basis, it is the bride’s right to make the decisions. It’s her day, not her mother’s, and while they should consult with each other, of course, the final decisions should be the bride’s

Wedding Cake

Dear Mrs. Post: Is there a rule that says the wedding cake should be a fruit cake for a formal wedding, and a white cake for an informal wedding? —Linda 

Dear Linda: No, there’s no such rule. Years ago the wedding cake was traditionally dark fruit cake. Nowadays, even at the most formal wedding, it is a white or yellow cake with white icing. There may be, in addition, a “groom’s cake” which is dark fruit cake. This is generally cut into small portions in advance and packaged in small white boxes to be given to the guests “for good luck.”

Turtleneck? No!

Dear Mrs. Post: What do you think of a prospective bridegroom who plans to wear a turtleneck shirt with a tuxedo at his wedding? —Ellen 

Dear Ellen: I don’t like it. A wedding is one place where tradition is most important. I imagine that a wedding picture of a groom in a turtleneck will come back to haunt him years from now, just as we laugh at pictures of brides in flapper outfits of the twenties. The traditional bridal gown and the tuxedo with shirt and tie will never look out of style. 

Wedding Presents 

Dear Mrs. Post:Yesterday, I received from a bride of three weeks my wedding gift to her, with a note reading, “Since our marriage was only temporary, I feel obliged to return your lovely wedding present.” I know she was right. I know that all wedding gifts are given for the couple’s married life, and should this state not be realized, the present must be returned. But, on the other hand, wasn’t I on the receiving end at the wedding reception? Couldn’t the bride keep my gift? —Marion 

Dear Marion: The girl was right in her thoughtfulness, but wrong in her action. Wedding gifts need not be returned, no matter how brief the marriage. The exceptions are presents to her from the groom himself, or presents of particular sentimental value given to them both from his family. These should be returned. – Highland Park News, June 1968

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipediag tiquette Encyclopedia

Wedding Guest Etiquette Quiz

Take this quiz from Bride's Magazine and see if you're up to the wedding season ahead! 

Do you know how to be the perfect guest?

If the first sign of spring is the crocus, the second is just as surely the wedding invitation. Now is the time of year when any day is likely to bring an elegant envelope tucked in with your electric bill, supermarket circular and favorite magazine subscription. So it's a good time to ask: How's your guest etiquette? 

True or False: 

1. Verbal acceptance of a wedding invitation is okay. 
2. You don't have to send a gift if you don't go to the wedding. 
3. You should bring the wedding present to the reception. 
4. If you're dating someone, it's all right to bring him or her to the wedding. 
5. A female guest shouldn't wear all-black or all-white. 
6. The last person to be seated in church is the mother of the bride. 
7. On the receiving line, you “congratulate” the groom, offer “best wishes” to the bride. 
8. You shouldn't leave the reception before the newlyweds do. 

Answers: 

1. F– Unless it's a very informal invitation. A formal, engraved invitation should be answered with a brief, handwritten note on a double sheet of fine white note paper. If a response card is provided, use that. 
2. T–  If you're close to the couple, you'll probably want to send a gift, but it's not required. 
3. F – Except if the gift is a check. Then you can bring it to the wedding and give it to the couple personally. (Make it out to Mr. and Mrs.) Otherwise, send the gift to the bride at her home as soon as possible after you receive the invitation. A check sent before the wedding is made out to the bride.
4. F – An invitation is only for those specifically mentioned. Unless it reads “and guest” or “and family,” they only want you. 
5. T – Although the rules are bending somewhat on this, especially since black is so fashionable now. In general, judge what you should wear by the formality of the invitation. You can rarely go wrong m a suit and tie, for a man, and a street-length dressy party or cocktail dress, for a woman. 
6. T – This is the signal that the ceremony is about to begin, so if you arrive later, stand unobtrusively at the back unless the ushers direct otherwise. It's best to try to arrive at least 10-15 minutes early. 
7. T – You could cause offense if you reverse them. Other tips for negotiating the receiving line: Introduce yourself to anyone who isn't certain to know you. (Remember, the whole wedding party is in a bit of a daze by now.) Say something brief and pleasant to parents and other family members. 
8. T – Although this was truer in the days when the bride and groom always left the reception early, in a shower of rice, to go directly on their honeymoon. These days, some newlyweds stay right until the end of the party, so an alternate rule might be: Don't leave until the cake has been cut and served. Remember to thank the wedding's hostess (usually the bride's mother) when you do go. – Bride’s Magazine, 1984

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wedding Planning Etiquette

It is proper etiquette to send your gift ahead of the actual wedding date. If that is not possible, send it soon afterward, when the couple have returned from their honeymoon. Unless the wedding is held at the family home, or it is the cultural norm, it's not a good idea to bring your gift to the wedding ceremony or reception itself. If the bride and groom are leaving immediately from the reception to a honeymoon destination, they will have to arrange for someone else to pack up the gifts safely and take them away. – Above ~1960’s bride is helped by her Wedding Consultant, Anita Farrington Earl

A Wedding Consultant Tends to Hundred Little Details... An interview with a Wedding Consultant 

How long does it take to plan a big wedding? 

“It should be six months but it can be done in three,” Earl answers. The Wedding Consultant or Wedding Planner stays through every rehearsal and is on hand throughout the ceremony to zip up the bride’s dress or signal the organist to begin the music. 

Etiquette 

Before the wedding she does the planning, gives a list of etiquette, sets down the time schedule and gives check lists to each member of the party. She will assist the bride in selection of her gown and trousseau and the costumes of the mothers and bridal party. She aids arrangements for out-of-town guests, arranges the gift display, plans the bridesmaid’s luncheon, a tea for viewing presents and the rehearsal dinner. When it comes to the ceremony, she worries over every detail and even attends to the remuneration to the organist, police and minister. When it comes to the reception she will arrange for maid service, music, tips, has six pages of appropriate toasts and even suggests the order of dances.

Dance 

An example of dance etiquette, “As soon as the groom dances with the bride her father cuts in permitting the groom to ask the mother of the bride while the father and mother of the groom dance. “Then the father of the bride dances with the mother of the groom freeing the father of the groom to dance with the bride. “The best man then dances with the mother of the bride permitting the groom to dance with his mother.” Sounds complicated but it’s really not difficult, Mrs. Earl says. Mrs. Earl will make hair appointments; check to be sure the ring has been selected; make certain the couple gets a license; she suggests the bride break in her new shoes around the house before the ceremony; packs an emergency kit with sewing items, pins, kleenex, etc; and even suggest the bride call her family the next day to thank them for the wonderful affair. 

Invitations 

Invitations must be received three weeks ahead; the rule of thumb for ushers is one for every 50 guests; record gifts as received and send thank-you notes right away, she suggests. Quality always comes first keeping within the budget. Many florists or department stores, mostly sales girls, pretend to counsel on clothes and gifts, but they are not experts. It takes finesse and guidance, learned by experience, to create a wedding. You hire a professional to design a room why not a wedding, Mrs. Earl suggests. –Palos Verdes Peninsula News, 16 June 1966

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

An Etiquette Ferry Tale

A few trips between here and Oakland will perhaps open your eyes to the fact that there is room for original interpretation as to what constitutes manners.

The old adage about one half of the world not knowing how the other half gets away with it, does not apply to commuters. Settle down in almost any part, of any ferry boat going in any direction and before the gentleman from Denmark or thereabouts says: "All ashore," you can get first hand ideas on many points of view on many subjects.  

Take etiquette, for instance. From the fact that its rules have been codified, as it were, one might think that etiquette was in the nature of an exact science. A few trips between here and Oakland will perhaps open your eyes to the fact that there is room for original interpretation as to what constitutes manners. 

It was on one of the morning boats from Sausallto. She sat on the after deck and told a girl friend the story of her life from a date in the past, when, it appeared from the conversation, their paths had separated. "No, I ain't seen May sines I was married. She'n me had an awful fallin' out. You see 'twas this way: May sent me a wedding present. I'd acknowledged all my engagement presents, but didn't think it would be etiquette to acknowledge weddin' presents till I was married. I had all my acknowledgments written and was goin to mail them the minute I was married. The day before the weddin May rings me up. 

"Oh, you ain't dead?' she says, sarcastic, when I answers the 'phone. '"Why. the idear. May! What's the matter?' says I." 'Nothln'!' she says with a sneer. 'But if my present aint worth acknowledging you'd best send it back.' '''You mis'rable contemptuous cat." I says. 'If I had you here,' I says, I'd scratch your eyes out. Don't you dare to tell me nothln' about etiquette!' 

"I slams down the 'phone. I returned her present, but she come to the weddin' all right an' enjoyed herself makin' sneerin' remarks about the furniture. No, May an' I ain't been friends since."— From the San Francisco Call, July 1912

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