Etiquette and Louis XV's Court Dance

Dancing the minuet– The minuet became a most fashionable dance in the 17th and 18th centuries.

An 18th century formal ball was one of the very limited opportunities at which a young lady could increase her chances of meeting suitors and finding a husband. A complete knowledge of etiquette and social codes, along with a graceful carriage and fine dress, was necessary to making the most advantageous match.

“Delighted with the minuet, Louis XV made it the special dance of the French royal court— and it was at court that the dance acquired it's exquisite grace and beauty.” –Lillian Eichler

Etiquette Enthusiast,  Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Tea and Coffee

The Flowers Personified (1847) Image by the great Parisian cartoonist J.J Grandville from his Les Fleurs Animées – his last work, originally published posthumously in 1847, the year of his death. With its mix of the satirical and poetic, the book is considered to be one of his most supreme achievements.

Tea and Coffee Flowers are Personified and Ill-Mannered in this Tale of Competition

The Coffee-flower took it into its head to make a voyage to China, for the purpose of visiting her sister, the Tea-flower. The latter received her guest with the politeness in which might be seen a slight air of superiority.   

In fact, to the Tea-flower, Coffee was but an outside barbarian, with whom she condescended to hold intercourse, notwithstanding the immense distance that separates a civilized Chinese from a foreigner, who is still sunk in the depths of ignorance. 

The Coffee-flower had too much quickness and penetration, not to understand this reception, and she had too much pride to submit to it.
"My dear," said she said to Tea, as soon as they were by themselves, "the airs which you affect, are not at all agreeable. Understand, if you please, that I do not need to be patronized, and that I am your superior in every respect." 

Never affect superiority. In the company of an inferior never let him feel his inferiority. If you invite an inferior as your guest, treat him with all the politeness and consideration you would show an equal. Assumption of superiority is the distinguishing trait of a parvenu.– E.B.Duffey

The tea flower shrugged her shoulders with disdain. "My title of nobility, "said she, "is six thousand years older than yours. It dates from the very foundation of the Chinese monarchy, the oldest of all known kingdoms."   

"And what does that prove!" said Coffee. 

"That you should treat me with deference," was the answer. 

It is proper to state, that this conversation occurred at a small lacquered table, on which stood a coffee-pot and a tea-pot. The two flowers, to keep up their rage, had frequent recourse to the stimulants which these contained. 

"You are so insipid," said Coffee, "that the Chinese themselves have been compelled to abandon you, and take to opium. You are no longer a stimulant, and a promoter of pleasant dreams– but merely a table drink, like cider and small-beer among us." 

Never directly contradict any one. Say, "I beg your pardon, but I think you are mistaken or misinformed," or some such similar phrase which shall break the weight of direct contradiction. Where the matter is unimportant it is better to let it pass without correction. – E.B.Duffey

"I have vanquished," briskly replied Tea, "a nation which has vanquished China itself. I reign in England." 

"And I, in France." 

"It was I that inspired Walter Scott and Lord Byron." 

"I nerved the wit of Moliere and Voltaire." 

"You are only a slow poison."

"And you, a mere vulgar diet-drink." 

"In the melodious murmurs of the tea kettle," said Tea, "one may fancy that he hears the spirits of the fireside sing. My color is that a fair girl's tresses. I am the Posey of the gentle and melancholy north." 

"Mine," said the Coffee-flower, "is the dusky tint of tropical maidens. Like them, I am ardent. Like some subtile fire, I course along the veins. I am the Cupid of the south."

"Thou dost consume, while I comfort." 

"No-I give strength; you only weaken."

"To me belongs the heart."

"Yes; and to me the head." 

The two flowers had become so exasperated, that they were about to pull each other's leaves. But, on further reflection, they concluded to refer their dispute to a tribunal composed equally of tea-drinkers and coffee-drinkers. This tribunal has been long in session, but has not yet agreed on a verdict.– From J.J Grandville from his Les Fleurs Animées 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Floral Faux Pas

When sending flowers for a special occasion, pay attention to the flower type and its color.

Avoiding Floral Faux Pas

Discuss floral meanings and flower colors with your florist to avoid sending any unintended messages along with an arrangement. Giving a hardworking assistant a dozen red roses for helping you meet an important deadline may convey feelings of romance as opposed to a message of gratitude.  Considering some basic etiquette rules before sending flowers helps to ensure that your gift is received in the spirit which you intended.

Culture

Although the use of flowers to convey messages had been used in Persia and the Middle East, it was during the Victorian Era and the publication of flower dictionaries explaining the meaning of plants, flowers and herbs, that the tradition began to spread throughout England. Soon it became popular to use flowers to send secretive messages. Though often portrayed to relay positive messages of interest, affection and love, flowers could also send a negative message and at times, the same flower could have opposite meanings depending on how it was arranged or delivered.

Before sending flowers, consider the cultural background of the recipient. Different cultures have specific rules for gifting flowers. In China, four and the color red are both associated with death. White represents death in Indian culture. Muslims and Jews do not have flowers at funerals, so flowers if sent, should be sent to the family home.

"Get Well Soon"

Be sure to consider the type of flowers in your get-well gift, too. Tulips and gerbera daisies are ideal selections for hospital delivery—they are fragrance-free, bright and cheerful, and extremely easy to maintain.

Avoid sending highly fragrant flowers such as freesia, lilies, or lilacs as get well gifts, especially to someone who is ill as opposed to injured. Instead, choose assorted iris arrangements, daffodils, and sunflowers. These flowers are bright, cheery, and light on scent, which make them great "pick-me-ups" for loved ones, no matter what their symptoms may be.

Sympathy

If a charitable donation is requested, in lieu of flowers, it's best to respect this wish. Mourning is a delicate and emotional time. A breach of etiquette can hurt or offend a grieving friend.

If you still wish to send flowers, send them to the family to express your sympathy well after the funeral. The grieving are many times left alone in the weeks after the funeral. A surprise bouquet can be a welcome gift. Be careful to consider the religion of the family when you choose the flowers to send.

Special Occasion Flowers

When sending flowers for a special occasion, again, pay attention to color and flower type. Red flowers typically convey romantic feelings. White flowers are perfect for family members. Yellow flowers are reserved for close friends.

Avoid sending flowers to the hospital room of a new mother. A beautiful arrangement waiting at home means the family has much less to take from the hospital.

Personal Tastes

It is acceptable to disregard convention if you are aware of an intended recipient's favorite flower or color. Take into consideration any personal tastes of a recipient over the accepted rules of etiquette. – From ProFlowers. com

ProFlowers sells a wide variety of fresh-cut flowers, mixed bouquets and potted plants, shipped fresh from the grower. 

🌹Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Sending Flowers

Flowers... are a proud assertion that a ray of beauty outvalues all the utilities of the world. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

ProFlowers' Guide for the Etiquette of When to Send Flowers And When Not To...

Flowers are typically appropriate for most occasions, but you have to be careful about treading into taboo areas or sending mixed messages with your thoughtful intentions. By following some basic etiquette rules, you should be able to navigate any landmines commonly associated with flower giving. 

Funerals

Flowers, such as the Sympathy Peace Lily, are appropriate blooms to send to grieving families and bring peace and tranquility to a funeral. Flowers are usually sent to the funeral home, which displays the flowers during the viewing or memorial ceremony and then transfers them to the site of the burial. At times, the families prefer not to have flowers and ask instead for donations to be made to a charity of organization in lieu of flowers. You should honor those requests. 

Workplace Flowers

To be safe, it’s best to send romantic bouquets, such as red roses, to a person’s home instead of her place of business. When flowers are received in the workplace, unwanted gossip sometimes ensues. 

On the other hand, when your intention is to go public with your romantic intentions or show off your feelings toward a spouse or lover, then send the flowers to her workplace. Just be sure they will be welcomed, to avoid any misunderstandings. 

Get Well Flowers

Many hospitals have banned flowers from patients’ room because of the risk of infection, allergic reactions and other side effects that can occur from various blooms. It’s best to check with the hospital before sending a beautiful get-well bouquet to a friend or family member. Proper etiquette dictates the most appropriate time to send flowers to a person recovering from a surgery or illness is after he’s been released from the hospital. A bouquet such as the 100 Blooms of Get Well Wishes from ProFlowers is a thoughtful gesture that will cheer up any recovering friend. 

Flowers for Best Wishes

Always consider the unspoken message when you send flowers. For example, while you may want to send a dozen roses to a co-worker as congratulations on a promotion, the flowers may carry an unintended romantic message. 

Sending flowers to your boss may be misconstrued as looking for favors. Sending flowers to a married friend of the opposite sex may cause problems at home. When you aren’t sure how well your gesture will be taken, it may be more prudent to send a plant or a fruit basket, gifts that cannot be misconstrued with hidden meaning or intentions.– From ProFlowers. com
                                   

"No, no, this will not do."  "Wha... Why? What is wrong with this one?" "The Orange Lily implies extreme hatred. The Begonia and Lavender danger and suspicion, respectively. Every flower has a meaning, Charles. Might I suggest the Amaryllis, which declares the recipient a most splendid beauty. Or the Cabbage Rose." —Hugh Jackman's "Leopold," from the movie, "Kate and Leopold"

The ABCs of the Language of Flowers

"A"

Abecedary Volatility.
Abatina Fickleness.
Acacia Friendship.
Acacia, Rose or White Elegance.
Acacia, Yellow Secret love.
Acanthus The fine arts. Artifice.
Acalia Temperance.
Achillea Millefolia War.
Aconite (Wolfsbane) Misanthropy.
Aconite, Crowfoot Lustre.
Adonis, Flos Painful recollections.
African Marigold Vulgar minds.
Agnus Castus Coldness. Indifference.
Agrimony Thankfulness. Gratitude.
Almond (Common) Stupidity. Indiscretion.
Almond (Flowering) Hope.
Almond, Laurel Perfidy
Allspice Compassion.
Aloe Grief. Religious superstition.
Althaea Frutex (Syrian Mallow) Persuasion.
Alyssum (Sweet) Worth beyond beauty.
Amaranth (Globe) Immortality. Unfading love.
Amaranth (Cockscomb) Foppery. Affectation.
Amaryllis Pride. Timidity. Splendid beauty.
Ambrosia Love returned.
American Cowslip Divine beauty.
American Elm Patriotism.
American Linden Matrimony.
American Starwort Welcome to a stranger. Cheerfulness in old age.
Amethyst Admiration.
Anemone (Zephyr Flower) Sickness. Expectation.
Anemone (Garden) Forsaken.
Angelica Inspiration.
Angrec Royalty.
Apple Temptation.
Apple (Blossom) Preference. Fame speaks him great and good.
Apple, Thorn Deceitful charms.
Apocynum (Dog's Vane) Deceit.
Arbor Vitæ Unchanging Friendship. Live for me.
Arum (Wake Robin) Ardour.
Ash-leaved Trumpet Flower Separation.
Ash Tree Grandeur.
Aspen Tree Lamentation.
Aster (China) Variety. Afterthought.
Asphodel My regrets follow you to the grave.
Auricula Painting.
Auricula, Scarlet Avarice.
Austurtium Splendour.
Azalea Temperance.

"B"
Bachelor's Buttons Celibacy.
Balm Sympathy.
Balm, Gentle Pleasantry.
Balm of Gilead Cure. Relief.
Balsam, Red Touch me not. Impatient resolves.
Balsam, Yellow Impatience.
Barberry Sourness of temper.
Barberry Tree Sharpness.
Basil Hatred.
Bay Leaf I change but in death.
Bay (Rose) Rhododendron Danger. Beware.
Bay Tree Glory.
Bay Wreath Reward of merit.
Bearded Crepis Protection.
Beech Tree Prosperity.
Bee Orchis Industry.
Bee Ophrys Error.
Belladonna Silence
Bell Flower, Pyramidal Constancy.
Bell Flower (small white) Gratitude.
Belvedere I declare against you.
Betony Surprise.
Bilberry Treachery.
Bindweed, Great Insinuation.
Bindweed, Small Humility.
Birch Meekness.
Birdsfoot Trefoil Revenge.
Bittenweet; Nightshade Truth.
Black Poplar Courage.
Blackthorn Difficulty.
Bladder Nut Tree Frivolity. Amusement.
Bluebottle (Centaury) Delicacy.
Bluebell Constancy.
Blue-flowered Greek Valerian Rupture.
Boras Henricus Goodness.
Borage Bluntness.
Box Tree Stoicism.
Bramble Lowliness. Envy. Remorse.
Branch of Currants You please all.
Branch of Thorns Severity. Rigour.
Bridal Rose Happy love.
Broom Humility. Neatness.
Buckbean Calm repose.
Bud of White Rose Heart ignorant of love.
Bugloss Falsehood.
Bulrush Indiscretion. Docility.
Bundle of Reeds, with their Panicles Music.
Burdock Importunity. Touch me not.
Buttercup (Kingcup) Ingratitude. Childishness.
Butterfly Orchis Gaiety.
Butterfly Weed Let me go.

"C"
Cabbage Profit.
Cacalia Adulation.
Cactus Warmth.
Calla Æthiopica Magnificent Beauty.
Calycanthui Benevolence.
Camellia Japonica, Red Unpretending excellence.
Camellia Japonica, White Perfected loveliness.
Camomile Energy in adversity.
Canary Grass Perseverance.
Candytuft Indifference.
Canterbury Bell Acknowledgement.
Cape Jasmine I'm too happy.
Cardamine Paternal error.
Carnation, Deep Red Alas! for my poor heart.
Carnation, Striped Refusal.
Carnation, Yellow Disdain.
Cardinal Flower Dittitutim.
Catchfly Snare.
Catchfly, Red Youthful love.
Catchfly, White Betrayed.
Cedar Strength.
Cedar of Lebanon Incorruptible.
Cedar Leaf I live for thee.
Celandine (Lesser) Joys to come.
Cereus (Creeping) Modest genius.
Centaury Delicacy.
Champignon Suspicion.
Chequered Fritillary Persecution.
Cherry Tree Good education.
Cherry Tree, White Deception.
Chesnut Tree Do me justice. Luxury.
Chickweed Rendezvous.
Chicory Frugality.
China Aster Variety.
China Aster, Double I partake your sentiments.
China Aster, Single I will think of it.
China or Indian Pink Aversion.
China Rose Beauty always new.
Chinese Chrysanthemum Cheerfulness under adversity.
Christmas Rose Relieve my anxiety.
Chrysanthemum, Red I love.
Chrysanthemum, White Truth.
Chrysanthemum, Yellow Slighted love.
Cinquefoil Maternal affection.
Circaa Spell.
Cistus, or Rock Rose Popular favour.
Cistus, Gum I shall die to-morrow.
Citron Ill-natured beauty.
Clematis Mental beauty.
Clematis, Evergreen Poverty.
Clotbur Rudeness. Pertinacity.
Cloves Dignity.
Clover, Four-leaved Be mine.
Clover, Red Industry.
Clover, White Think of me.
Cobæea Gossip.
Cockscomb Amaranth Foppery. Affectation. Singularity.
Colchicum, or Meadow Saffron My best days are past.
Coltsfoot Justice shall be done.
Columbine Folly.
Columbine, Purple Resolved to win.
Columbine, Red Anxious and trembling.
Colchicum, or Meadow Saffron My best days are past.
Coltsfoot Justice shall be done.
Columbine Folly.
Columbine, Purple Resolved to win.
Columbine, Red Anxious and trembling.
Convolvulus Bonds.
Convolvulus, Blue (Minor) Repose. Night.
Convolvulus, Major Extinguished hopes.
Convolvulus, Pink Worth sustained by judicious and tender affection.
Corchorus Impatient of absence.
Coreopsis Always cheerful.
Coreopsis Arkansa Love at first sight.
Coriander Hidden worth.
Corn Riches.
Corn, Broken Quarrel.
Corn Straw Agreement.
Corn Bottle Delicacy.
Corn Cockle Gentility.
Cornel Tree Duration.
Coronella Success crown your wishes.
Cowslip Pensiveness. Winning grace.
Cowslip, American Divine beauty. You are my divinity.
Cranberry Cure for heartache.
Creeping Cereus Horror.
Cress Stability. Power.
Crocus Abuse not.
Crocus, Spring Youthful gladness.
Crocus, Saffron Mirth.
Crown Imperial Majesty. Power.
Crowsbill Envy.
Crowfoot Ingratitude.
Crowfoot (Aconite-leaved) Lustre.
Cuckoo Plant Ardour.
Cudweed, American Unceasing remembrance.
Currant Thy frown will kill me.
Cuscuta Meanness.
Cyclamen Diffidence.
Cypress Death. Mourning. 

From Kate Greenaway's "Language of Flowers"

                                                

                                                 

ProFlowers sells a wide variety of fresh-cut flowers, mixed bouquets and potted plants, shipped fresh from the grower.

🌹Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Women's Gloves

Depiction of a “glove fitting” from 1906 ~ “The average store is sadly deficient in facilities for trying on gloves, and also in the attention paid to fittings.”
– From Shoe and Leather Journal, 1905

Glove Etiquette in Period Dramas from Miss Manners –

"The only place where it seems to be traditional for ladies to eat or drink with gloved hands is in costume dramas. In real life, it was always considered crude, not to mention yucky, but in every period film, television show, play and opera, it is evidently intended to add a touch of what passes for “class.” Miss Manners pities the laborers who were taxed with cleaning those gloves afterward. 

(You are correct that) gloves are worn during dancing, but they had to be removed before touching any refreshments. This was a good argument against drinking when dancing. It would serve Miss Manners right if, after obeying her strict command to remove your gloves, you handed them to her. You might reasonably point out that ball dresses unaccountably lack pockets, and are cunningly constructed so that gloves placed on them when the wearer is seated slip off the lap, thus requiring the wearer’s unfortunate dinner partner to crawl under the table to fetch them. 

If you cannot cram your gloves into your tiny evening bag, where we hope there is no makeup on the loose, you must hold them with your free hand when eating or drinking while you are standing. At dinner, she suggests surreptitiously sitting on them, but please don’t tell anyone she said so." – Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners

Incorrect! Lady Edith sits at the table with gloved hands and a glass of champagne beside her.

More Glove Etiquette:

• Don’t eat, drink, or smoke with gloves on.
• Don’t play cards with gloves on.
• Don’t apply makeup with gloves on.
• Don’t wear jewelry over gloves, with the exception of bracelets.
• Don’t make a habit of carrying your gloves 
• Don't play musical instruments while wearing gloves

Glove Etiquette Violations 

in Period Dramas

A beautiful woman, but the gloves and cigarette, shout, "Tacky!"

All in that attempt to add what “passes for class...” Two much! Two faux pas for the price of one. Both a cigarette and a drink in gloved hands. Both etiquette “no-nos.”

Terribly tacky! Gloves that unbutton... for when a woman wants to throw that drink back or gobble some bon bons, without looking “incorrect.” A fail.

Gloved ones violating etiquette while having tea. Downton Abbey is a repeat “glove etiquette offender” over its six seasons.

It is hard to find examples of someone playing an instrument in gloves, who is not a cartoon character or a cabaret act. So with regard to etiquette, wearing gloves while to playing the piano, is an etiquette “don't.”

Wearing gloves while eating or drinking is a violation of good manners, but...

So is not wearing gloves! To not wear gloves while dancing in the Regency Era, would find a young woman shunned by “good society.”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Polite Conversation

Someone not afraid to show her emotions– The fictional Marianne Dashwood, as portrayed by Kate Winslet in the 1996 film version of Jane Austen’s “Sense and Sensibility”

Display Of Emotions–
It is needless to say, avoid all exhibitions of temper before others if you find it impossible to suppress them entirely. All emotions, whether of grief or joy, should be subdued in public, and only allowed full play in the privacy of our own apartments.

Undue Familiarity–
Avoid all coarseness and familiarity in addressing others. A person who makes himself offensively familiar will have few friends.

Pretenses–
Avoid all pretense at gentility. Pass for what you are, and nothing more. If you are obliged to make any little economies, do not be ashamed to acknowledge them as economies if it becomes necessary to speak of them at all. If you keep no carriage, do not be over-solicitous to impress your friends that the sole reason for this deficiency is because you prefer to walk. Do not be ashamed of poverty; but, on the other hand, do not flaunt its rags unmercifully in the face of others. It is best to say nothing about it either in excuse or defence.

Aristocratic Assumptions–
Do not, of all things, in this republican country, boast of blood and family and talk of belonging to the "aristocracy." Nor, unless you wish to be set down as a superlative fool by all sensible people, put your servants in livery and a coat of arms upon the panels of your carriage and upon your plate.

Interruptions In Conversation–
Never interrupt a person who is speaking. Wait until you are sure he has finished what he has to say before you attempt to speak.

Dogmatic Style Of Speaking–
Never speak dogmatically or with an assumption of knowledge or information beyond that of those with whom you are conversing. Even if you are conscious of this superiority, a proper and becoming modesty will lead you to conceal it as far as possible, that you may not put to shame or humiliation those less fortunate than yourself. At all events, they will discover your superiority or they will not.


If they discover it of their own accord, they will have much more admiration for you than though you forced the recognition upon them. If they do not discover it, rest assured you cannot force it upon their perceptions, and they will only hold you in contempt for trying to do so. Besides, there is the possibility that you over-estimate yourself, and instead of being a wise man you are only a self-sufficient fool.

Flattery–
Do not be guilty of flattery. Commend the estimable traits of your friends to others whenever and wherever you can, and you may even express your honest approval directly to them if you possess a delicate tact. Indeed, it is one of the most imperative social duties to let others see our appreciation of the good in their characters or actions. But beware of insincere praise bestowed from an unworthy motive.

Faultfinding–
Do not be censorious or faultfinding. Long and close friendship may sometimes excuse one friend in reproving or criticising another, but it must always be done in the kindest and gentlest manner, and in nine cases out of ten had best be left undone. When one is inclined to be censorious or critical, it is well to remember the scriptural injunction, “First cast the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to cast the mote out of thy brother's eye.”

–From E.B. Duffey's, "The Ladies' and Gentlemen's Etiquette: A Complete Manual of the Manners and Dress of American Society," 1877 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Editor and Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and "Card Droppers"

From the “Department of Stationery”– A late 1800’s registration and insurance card from a calling card order. It is also a suggestion that one have them save the steel-plate for Mrs. William Martin’s next card order.

The cards of the callers are being gotten up by the Broadway engravers in various unique styles, comic effects predominating in the designs, though a few attempts at poetical graces in delicacy of workmanship and suggestiveness of allegory to be remarked. The orders for such cards have been filled by the million. There never was such a demand as that which prevailed last week among the trade in bristol-board. This is accounted for by those best acquainted with the rules of social etiquette, by the great popularity of the new rule of leaving cards, instead of calling and gorging and guzzling in proof of good feeling for the party at whose expense you gorge and guzzle. Very sensible reform, truly— at least so think the engravers. –The New York Times, 1871

Back when calling cards were used more than business cards, the etiquette for calling cards was very strict and well-defined. Here are a few of the rules:

Husbands and Wives–

• When the wife is calling, she can leave cards of the husband and sons if it is impossible for them to do so themselves.
• After an entertainment, cards of the family can be left for the host and hostess by either the wife or any of the daughters.

Leaving Cards in Person– 

• When cards with a message of congratulation are left in person, nothing should be written on it.

Leaving Cards in Person at Afternoon Teas– 

• Women leave cards of their male relatives as well as their own, although their names may be announced upon entering the drawing-room. 
• Guests leave their cards in a receptacle provided, or give them to the servant at the door.

Men’s Cards–

• A bachelor should not use “At Home” cards as a woman does, nor to invite his friends by writing a date and “Music at Four” on his calling card in place of an invitation. 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Victorian Etiquette of Tobacco Use

You have the same right to smoke, take snuff, and chew that you have to indulge in the luxuries of a filthy skin and soiled garments, but you have no right, in either case, to do violence to the senses and sensibilities of other people by their exhibition in society. 

Victorian Etiquette Advice on Tobacco

If you use tobacco, in any forth, allow us to whisper a useful hint or two in your ear...

Smoking, snuff-taking, and especially chewing, are bad habits at best, and in their coarser forms highly disgusting to pure and refined people, and especially to ladies. You have the same right to smoke, take snuff, and chew that you have to indulge in the luxuries of a filthy skin and soiled garments, but you have no right, in either case, to do violence to the senses and sensibilities of other people by their exhibition in society. 

Smoke if you will, chew, take snuff (against our earnest advice, however), make yourself generally and particularly disagreeable, but you must suffer the consequences — the social outlawry which must result.

Shall we convert our parlors into tobacco shops, risk the ruin of our carpets and furniture from the random shots of your disgusting saliva, and fill the whole atmosphere of our house with a pungent stench, to the discomfort and disgust of everybody else, merely for the pleasure of your company? We have rights as well as you, one of which is to exclude from our circle all persons whose manners or habits are distasteful to us. You talk of rights. You can not blame others for exercising theirs.

There are degrees here as everywhere else. One may chew a little, smoke an occasional cigar, and take a pinch of snuff now and then, and if he never indulges in these habits in the presence of others, and is very careful to purify his person before going into company, he may confine the bad effects, which he can not escape, mostly to his own person. But he must not smoke in any parlor, or sitting-room, or dining room, or sleeping chamber, or in the street, and particularly not in the presence of ladies, anywhere. – From 1887's "How to Behave"

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Editor and Site Moderator for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia