Solutions to Social Problems, 1910

Love knows no age, the saying goes, and I have known happy marriages when there has been a difference in ages. 

Not Able to Decide

Dear Mrs. Adams: I seek your advice in regard to an affair that has been running along or nearly two years. I am 24 and in love with a woman six years my senior. She cares for me, but insists that she does not want to spoll my life by consenting to marriage. I am equally positive that we would be perfectly happy together, despite the difference in our ages. After much warm discussion, I agreed to let you decide the matter. Will you please weigh it carefully, as your decision will be final? – Anxious

How can you expect a person who knows nothing about your lives to decide this all-important question? You have given me but one reason why there should be any objection to the marriage, whereas there may be a hundred reasons upon which to base your decision. After more serious thought you will be sure to take the right step. Love knows no age, the saying goes, and I have known happy marriages when there has been a difference in ages. But, again, there may be a great change in your ideals as you grow older, and unhappiness might result. I cannot decide for you.

Not Sisters-in-Law

Dear Mrs. Adams: “A” says my brother’s wife’s sisters are our sisters-in-law.  “B” says they are not. Which is right? – Cantalope

B is correct.

Never Offers to Carry Parcels

Dear Mrs. Adams: Should a young man carry a woman's parcels when he is taking her home? I have been going with a young man for a year, and always meet him Saturday evening when I have finished shopping, but he has never asked to carry my parcels.– Inquirer

A young man should offer to carry a woman's parcels when he is escorting her home. It would not be fair, however, to make a habit of burdening him with packages every time he is with you.

After a Reception

Dear Mrs. Adams: I was invited to a reception some time ago; kindly tell me whose place it is to pay the party call, and how soon it must be paid?– Brown Eyes

If the reception was a small and informal one no “party call” is necessary. After a large reception one may call within two or three weeks after the entertainment. — San Francisco Call, 1910

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Airship Etiquette

Never fall through a roof. People's chambers are seldom fit to receive company without advance notice of their coming… – Dining salon aboard a Graf Zeppelin LZ127
— Photo source, Pinterest

With the advent of flying machines we note that several of our dearest friends are much disturbed by a lack of knowledge of the little proprieties that govern that fine sport. For those persons we offer the following few suggestions which will be added to as the code is completed:

I-If you drop your lady be sure of your bearings. No gentleman will drop a lady into Pittsburg.

II-Remember that the motto of the Epworth League is “Look up” and DON'T SPIT. Epworth Leaguers are, as a rule, very finicky people.

III-In falling, if you should pass an acquaintance aeroplaning with a strange lady it is good form to raise your hat.

IV-Never fall through a roof. People's chambers are seldom fit to receive company without advance notice of their coming.

V-Keep to the right. — Sausalito News, 1910

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Early 20th C. Children’s Party Etiquette

For very little children, birthday stationery comes ready for the names and date to be filled in. Mothers will find this very convenient, and children love the gayly decorated sheets with the wee envelopes. 

HERE is a code of manners which every American child should learn. The accent is on the “American,” because on the Continent children are rarely seen until they have a certain poise, and know how to conduct themselves in due and proper manner. They are not at the table until six or eight years of age, if there are guests present, and then usually for dessert only.

In this country, when they are scarcely able to walk, children begin their social career by having parties and all sorts of festivities.

American children have rather an unsavory reputation in Europe, for which they are not to blame; it is the place of the parents to see that a child knows how to acknowledge an introduction by saying, “How do you do, Mrs. French,” or to reply, “Very well, thank you.” A child should not interrupt when older people are engaged in conversation; and when spoken to should say, “Yes, mother,” or, “No, Mrs. Gray.”

Having learned these first steps in the nursery, a child will be fitted to mingle with children and be a polite little host or hostess. Children have the same responsibility as their elders when it comes to entertaining. They must see that their guests play the games they like best, and they must give up treasured belongings for the amusement of others. Realizing that the choice of everything belongs to the visitor is a lesson hard to be learned by many petted “only children.”

To give parties often is indeed a splendid method of teaching self-control. Not elaborate evening functions, but afternoon parties with simple refreshments, where the young host or hostess works out his or her own problems, with a guiding hand to aid when necessary. It is a lesson, in more ways than one, to permit the young aspirant for social honors to plan the affair with all the individuality at command. Of course this is by far the hardest way for mothers; it is much easier to say, “Now, don't bother, mother will attend to everything”; but, what responsibility it gives a child to write the note of invitation, and plan the refreshments and favors!

This is of course for the little neighborhood affairs which should be a part of every child's life. For the elaborate birth-day party, or dance, the following models may be of service:

Miss Mary and Master Robert Kellar will be happy to see Miss Gretchen Murdoe on Tuesday evening from seven to nine at Flossmore, Park Hill Terrace

Dancing

Miss Josephine Greene requests the pleasure of Master Harold Lock's company at her birthday party on the afternoon of June the tenth, from three to six o'clock

For very little children, birthday stationery comes ready for the names and date to be filled in. Mothers will find this very convenient, and children love the gayly decorated sheets with the wee envelopes. — Dame Curtsey’s Book of Etiquette, 1909

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Intimate Etiquette

Mothers and guardians seem often to fancy that knowledge how to conduct oneself in the delicate dilemmas of life comes by instinct. Girls leave boarding schools and go into society with the vaguest of notions about their relations to it, and stumble through its small difficulties, hiding their embarrassments as best they can, keeping a brave front to the last, while the world never guesses the secret torches they undergo in trifling matters.– Image source from HBO’s The Gilded Age, Pinterest

The Freedom of Modern Social Life—Girls Handled too Much

“Shirley Dare” concluded a fashion letter in the Chicago Republican with the following: Somebody wants a chapter on what may be termed intimate etiquette. This is touched by such inquiries as we see in the correspondent’s column of ladies’ papers, where Lucia wants to know if she ought to allow a gentleman to kiss her when she comes home with him from a concert, and Caroline is dubious whether she ought to correspond with her friend’s betrothed in secret. One can’t but sympathize with the young ladies, knowing how inconsiderately someone has neglected their duty toward them. 

Mothers and guardians seem often to fancy that knowledge how to conduct oneself in the delicate dilemmas of life comes by instinct. Girls leave boarding schools and go into society with the vaguest of notions about their relations to it, and stumble through its small difficulties, hiding their embarrassments as best they can, keeping a brave front to the last, while the world never guesses the secret torches they undergo in trifling matters. Often enough for mere restless craving for novel confidences, young ladies seek public instead of private advise, and their mothers and friends are quite ready and competent to give them all the help they need. But there is a great deal of trial that besets young girls at the age when they feel failures most keenly, which the best parents forget to provide against. They ought to recall their own debates of etiquette in youth, and teach their children prudence before they need it. Forewarned, forearmed. 

“Nellie, see here,” said a prudent father to his girl of sixteen, in her tarletan ball dress, warming her slippers before the fire, waiting for her escort —if girls ever do any of the waiting. “You are looking sweetly fresh to-night, and as fresh in heart as in dress, I hope. You are to stay so, do you hear, madam. You are not to let people hold you close when you waltz; nobody has any business to touch you till you have a lover or a husband of your own. I don't want my girl talked about. Remember, nobody has the least right on any pretence to do more than touch your fingers, or lay his hand on you in the permittent freedom of the waltz, unless he is a relative, or going to be.” 

And after that she would probably sit in the conservatory, letting a handsome Jack, the fast and lady-killer, slip his arm by degrees, from the back of her chair, lift her locket from her bare neck, and kissed her hand till he dared to kiss her lips, and gather her close to him, which would probably be the sixth time they met, at farthest. You see, men and women like such things. It’s right they should! I am not going to belie the blood that beats in this wrist an instant, to say they should not. Only one may have some choice as to whether one will accept caresses from the wholesale stock of natural liking, or from the special, reserved fund of pernicious preference. 

Suppose young, warmhearted girl, as you lean on that broad shoulder, in the half-lit parlor to-night, thinking how nice it is to have some one fond and protecting, and how dear you seem to be to him—suppose you should by some invisible magnetic sense, be made aware of all the cheeks that have rested on that shoulder, and all the forms that arm had encircled. It’s fortunate you don’t know these things—it might lead you, however, to keep yourself more sacred for some one who will love you as entirely as you love this man, who “takes life as it comes,” and by force of habit, if not by inclination, could not remember one woman six months, if his happiness depended upon it. 

Did you ever see the old fashioned book on etiquette, called ‘The Young Ladies’ Friend?’ Good Mrs. Farrar will never guess the benefit that straight-forward, wholesome book of advice has been to girls. She knew the class she was writing for, and gave opinions in such words as these, I quote from memory : “You are to allow no personal freedoms from gentlemen of your acquaintance. If a finger is put out to examine a locket or chain on your dress, draw back and take it off for inspection, if you choose. The reason for this rule is clear to those who are better acquainted with the world.” 

The reason is perfectly clear to every one who comes to be twenty-five years of age outside a reform institution. A man of society, who dealt in occasional roughness of speech, said once in a parlor before ladies, that he would never marry a then New York girl of fashion, for the class allowed themselves to be handled too much. A girl who protects herself from the freedom to much in vogue in society, increases her own value if she only knew it, with those she may have to repulse. I don't believe in prudishuess or suspicion, but I do believe that, when men and women are not contented with the friendship that can be impressed by frank, kind eyes, and cordial and brief handshakes, and clear words one is not ashamed the world should hear, they should know what intoxication they are sharing. 

It strikes one curiosity to see ladies forget their hands in a man’s clasp while they are talking so earnestly; there is a great deal of expression in the nearness of two conversationalists which often tells a little more than people are aware of. It is all right and innocent, of course, but if people are properly indifferent to each other’s hands, why not observe convenances and drop them when the cordial salute is performed? You never see Rev. Mr. Surplice hold any hand in his but that of young Rocket the curate with the melancholy large black eyes, and you never see grave legal gentlemen crushing the flounces of equally grave and interesting spinsters. There is a fine distinct line between the cordial commerce of good will and heaven warm affection that binds the human family together, and these leadings of affection that with nameless license destroy the bloom of refinement.

There is one rule that settles a thousand queries of the nature we are considering. Whatever is secret may be safely left untouched. The touch, the look, the intimacy, the correspondence that needs to be secret, has something wrong about it. If you are sure there is no evil in your motives, for heaven’s sake come out and avow your friendship, your design, whatever it may be. You make the world purer and get a precedent by your frankness that tears away a thousand hypocrisies. The world has a keen sent for the really innocent, and if you cannot face its first sneers of criticism, you have reason to doubt yourself. Please consider this the porch to a topic of larger dimensions, and don’t judge me too hardly for prudery, till you hear the rest.— Trinity Journal, 1870

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Dancing and Handkerchiefs

Gentlemen without gloves, will not touch a lady's dress without first protecting it with the handkerchief… Image source, Tenor

Since dancing has become a regular amusement in pleasure seeking circles, it is suggested, according to the rules of dancing etiquette, that gentlemen without gloves, will not touch a lady's dress without first protecting it with the handkerchief, as delicate dresses are often ruined in this manner.—Morning Press, 1881

 

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Manners: The Spice of Life

We put on our best shoes when our friends call or when we call upon our friends. In Japan, a woman takes off her shoes at the threshold and makes her call in her stocking feet upon her hostess, who is similarly attired.

Variety as It Is Seen In the Customs of Various Countries

One of the most enjoyable things in travel is to notice how etiquette varies from land to land. In America, when a steamer leaves, the men shake hands and the women kiss each other and sometimes cry. In France and Italy, especially the women weep, while the men kiss and hug each other almost as vigorously as if they were in a wrestling match. 

An American woman shakes hands with a man of her acquaintance, while in Spain she always gives her hand to be kissed. It makes the same sensation in Madrid for a man to seize a woman’s hand and shake it as it does in New York for a foreigner to seize a New York woman’s hand and kiss it.

In America, it is rare for wine or beer to be seen on the table at a woman’s luncheon or dinner party. In Europe, not to have these would be considered the height of discourtesy. Among the western nations, to offer a visitor a cup of tea, is to invite him to prolong his visit. Among the eastern nations, it is the conventional intimation that it is time for him or her to go. 

An American man removes his hat while talking to a woman, while the “cad” keeps it carefully perched upon his ear. In China, a native man would sooner lose his head than be seen without his hat on when in company, while the ruffian takes it off as a mark of disrespect.

We put on our best shoes when our friends call or when we call upon our friends. In Japan, a woman takes off her shoes at the threshold and makes her call in her stocking feet upon her hostess, who is similarly attired. — San Jose Herald, 1895

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Empress Unhappy as Queen’s Revered

Is it possible that this displeasure was the reason for Hongzhang’s response 4 years later after meeting Queen Victoria? — When the Viceroy was ushered into Victoria's presence chamber she remained seated, wrapped in the Imperial dignity that has awed mightier men than he. The intelligent celestial grasped his position at once. He groveled to the British Empress-Queen as he would have to his master, or the Dowager Empress, and when the interview was over and he had bowed himself out backward, he, deeply impressed, remarked to his entourage: “Her Majesty is the only real Monarch of them all.”

Li Hung Chang has come near to losing his yellow jacket again on account of a disregard of official etiquette while calling on the Empress. That's what comes of “Skylarking around the world and forgetting his manners.” —Pittsburg Times, 1897

 

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Follow Etiquette on Dance Floor

Men, do not spend the entire evening with one partner. As a courtesy, invite the hostess to dance and her daughter or sister.

Rules of etiquette always should be followed when on the dance floor

Just like any other sport or social function, there also are good manners in dancing. According to Arthur Murray Dance Studios, the following etiquette should be observed; 

• Clap at the end of each dance for the band and for your partner. 
• Be concerned with others on the floor besides yourself.
• Dance in line of dance 
• Rock steps are to be kept under one’s own body. 
• Control of arms is a must.
• Men, do not spend the entire evening with one partner. As a courtesy, invite the hostess to dance and her daughter or sister. 
• Ladies, do not refuse one gentleman and then accept another, nor tie strings by holding on to him. 
• Men, escort your partner back to her seat and thank her for the pleasure of the dance.
• Ladies, always precede the man to the dance floor. – Desert Sun, 1988

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia