Another Gilded Age Social Arbiter Rises

 

We at Etiquipedia are looking to find some other documentation for a Gilded Age Los Angeles “400” but have had no success to date. We are convinced many cities of the era emulated the New York’s society circle of “400,” —actually only 319 names were on the famous list—  but this is the first time we’ve seen a rival to Ward McAllister’s lofty, self-proclaimed perch, be presented or suggested in a news report.
—————————————  
“Four hundred might be one of the only numbers that has a place in the dictionary. Its definition reads: ‘The social elite of a community.’ But it wasn’t until the late 1800s that ‘400’ had any real value. Before The Real Housewives of NYC, Mrs. Caroline Schermerhorn Astor dominated Gilded Age New York society, throwing the balls that everyone who was anyone attended. The problem was that her ballroom only held 400 people, and thanks to the Civil War and the Industrial Revolution, there were now many more than 400 high society millionaires in New York City. So she had to narrow down the list of invitees to the absolute most important and elite New Yorkers. She enlisted self-proclaimed society expert Ward McAllister to help her whittle down the numbers, and The Four Hundred was born. Those who made the cut included Roosevelts and Winthrops, among other famously fancy last name.” — Du Jour.com 

The Los Angeles “400” is Impressed!

The promotion of Lieutenant John A. Dapray to the position of paymaster in the army with the rank of major and the salary of $4800. per annum is greeted by the Los Angeles “400” with enthusiastic empressement. Perhaps there is no officer in the army who has won more laurels in leading a german victoriously across the deadly floor or in heading the grand march of a ballroom in its bold reconnoissance at the opening festivities of a soirée dansante. When he was here on the staff of General Miles, he was distinguished as a master of society etiquette, and by his exquisite conventionality in dress and his coolness and bravery in charging the social sideboard or the festive table, he was the cynosure of all eyes. 

He has passed the rubicons of several winters in Washington, and society there has acclaimed him as the conquering hero of its routs and social functions. It is not too much to say recognition of the young lieutenant's transcending merits by promotion to a height which in actual field service on the frontier of forty years rarely attains, will elevate him to the position of a dangerous rival to Ward McAllister. He wears an overcoat all bedizened with frogs and bullion, and that's something in his favor. — Los Angeles Herald, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette’s Importance in a Democracy

For hundreds of years, books of etiquette have been big sellers. This is especially true during “etiquette eras” — periods in time when etiquette lessons and books become fashionable. 

————————

“Not long ago a prominent American writer suggested that etiquette should be taught in the public schools, with some authentic work on the subject for a text book. Apparently her suggestion fell in with the public mind. And why not? There is nothing which sets the individual at ease in any society like training in the ordinary social usages.”

“ETIQUETTE”

The most called-for book at present in a great city library is a volume on “etiquette,” recently put on the market by a woman honestly conversant with the subject in its application to modern life. It is an interesting situation. Not long ago a prominent American writer suggested that etiquette should be taught in the public schools, with some authentic work on the subject for a text book. Apparently her suggestion fell in with the public mind. And why not? There is nothing which sets the individual at ease in any society like training in the ordinary social usages. 

Most social distinctions are made not upon the merit of the individual but upon his manners. Nothing fans class bitterness more fiercely than the unfortunate comparison between the unconscious ease of one who has had the advantage of training in the ordinary etiquette of polite society and another who has been denied it. If America is a true democracy, why should not this difference be wiped out by training in the public schools, just as other differences are, by daily study and practice? — Stockton Independent, 1923

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

McAllister... Supreme on Social Matters

The son of Ward McAllister, the self-appointed “social arbiter of the Gilded Age,” was reportedly permanently removed without pay from his job as a District Court Judge for Alaska, due to “drunkenness, indolence and incompetency.”
 ————— 
When asked about the court’s decision, McAllister said that in social matters, he recognized no authority except his own, but in matters legal, he took off his hat to the authority of the Supreme Court of the United States.
— Photo source, Pinterest

The “McAllister Decision”

New York, May 20.— Ward McAllister was interviewed by the World To-day on the Supreme Court decision that his son (the ex-Alaska Judge) was not entitled to a salary after his removal. McAllister says that in social matters, he recognizes no authority except his own, but in matters legal, he takes off his hat to the authority of the Supreme Court of the United States. Just like any other good citizen, he had nothing to say as to the propriety, etiquette and good taste of such decision. — San Francisco Call, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Art of Modern Introductions

How to Introduce Yourself 
and Others

(Socially and Professionally)

When you know how to introduce yourself and others in social and business situations, your confidence level reaches new heights and you suddenly find yourself unstoppable.

Can knowing this one little piece of etiquette really do this for someone?

Yes!

The art of introductions is the cornerstone of bringing people together.  And once mastered, you automatically assume the role of host wherever you go.  But remember, great hosting comes with great responsibility.

Allow me to provide some guidelines . . .

How to Introduce Yourself

No matter where you go, you're bound to see someone you don't know.  And in appropriate settings like a networking event, a birthday party, a big get-together at a friend's home, you should make the most of these social opportunities by introducing yourself. 

A self-introduction is as simple as saying, "Hi, we haven’t met.  I’m (insert your name here)," as you extend your hand for the common handshake.

If you're approaching someone you are familiar with, you could make your introduction a bit friendlier by using his name, "Mr. Robinson, my name is _________.  It's a pleasure to meet you."

Introducing Other People Socially

Now let's stretch your comfort zone and begin introducing others.  Here is the four-part formula for making correct introductions.

If the people you're introducing are:

• Same age range, same gender - it doesn't matter whose name you say first.
• Same age range, different gender - say the female's name first.

"Claire, this is my coworker, Troy.  Troy, this is Claire."

Different age range - say the older person's name first.

"Uncle John, this is my friend, Marilyn Mims.  Marilyn, this is my uncle, John Pike."

If one person is a VIP - the VIP's name is spoken first.  VIP = guest of honor, military officers, judges, elected officials.

"Mayor Smith, I'd like to introduce Emma Gold.  Emma, this is our Mayor, Tita Smith."

Also Keep in Mind

• When introducing relatives, be sure and give their full names.  Your friends wouldn't call your parents "Mom" or "Dad", but won't have any other option unless you tell their names.
• In business, and more formal occasions, use first and last names when introducing people.
• It is always helpful to give a little more information about the people you are introducing.  "Troy, this is Claire.  She enjoys horseback riding, too."  You've just given Troy a terrific conversation starter, for which he will be grateful!
• Smile and shake hands.  A warm, friendly smile wins people over every time.  Use it with the standard American greeting of shaking hands, and you'll definitely make a great impression.  And remember to make eye contact! 
  
• Notice that in social introductions there are two sentences.  Be sure you don't interrupt before the introduction is complete.
  

Introducing Others at Business Events

Introductions in the professional world are based on position and rank in the company/organization.  State the name of the highest-ranking person first.

“Mr. Williams (boss), this is our new office assistant, Karen Staker.”

“Ms. Johnson (company president), may I introduce the head of 
our production department, Bill Sable.”

When a client or special sponsor/benefactor is being introduced, state the client’s name first, even if the person from your company/organization has a higher position in his/her company.  For example, your client is a VP of her company, and you are introducing her to your company’s President.

“Sally Jacobs, I’d like you to meet Dr. Richard Strong, who is our 
Founding Director of Simple.org.”

When you are introducing two people of equal rank in the corporate or academic hierarchy, introduce the one you know less well to the one you know better.

“John Kelly (you know him pretty well), I’d like you to meet Gretchen 
Smith (you’ve only recently met).”

Also and Always

• After the introduction, continue addressing the person as Mr. or Ms. unless you are given permission to use his/her first name.  (You may choose to accept the offer or not.)
• In formal/official business situations and at dinners, your host meets and greets you, and also introduces you to others.  In networking situations, introduce yourself. 
  
• Re-introductions are helpful.  Someone is always struggling to remember a name.
• If someone enters your office or work area and introduces himself as Bill Smith, "Welcome, Mr. Smith" always works.  Formality shows respect.
• Don't forget to use your first and last name when introducing yourself!
  
  

Make the Most of Introduction Opportunities

Meeting someone new is like opening a gift.  You never know if your new acquaintance will turn into a best friend, an important client, or the love of your life.  The thrill of surprise is endless.

Now that you know how to introduce yourself and other people, there are many opportunities awaiting you.  Remember, the only true faux pas you can make here is not introducing yourself or someone else in your presence.

Practice these guidelines as often as you can.  And keep me posted on your progress!

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette. Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Manners For Sniffle Season

He Goofed! This young lady is not waiting to see if his germs are Asian or domestic. She’s ducking fast!

Winter, the germiest season of all, has arrived in many parts of the world. All in all, the times seems ripe to review germ etiquette: 

• When you sneeze or cough, cover your mouth with a handkerchief. 
• If there isn't time, at least muffle the explosion with your hand, turning your head away from the nearest person.
• Blowing your nose at the dinner table is permissible, but don't make a production of it and don't apologize; the latter merely calls attention to the act. 
• If your cold is a whopper, carry extra handkerchiefs.
• Fastidious souls are offended at the sight of a battle-worn hankie, and even non-fastidious souls don't enjoy seeing one bloom from someone's breast pocket. Once used, a breast handkerchief stops being picturesque. 
• P.S. to tissue users: Don't blow and throw. How many litter with tissue debris? Alas, too many. 
•  Q & A on P's & Q's 

(Q) “Is it passe to ask guests if they want to wash hands before dinner?” Mrs. S.J., Cleveland 
(A) Until germs are passé, asking will never be.

 

—Portions taken from Don Goodwin‘s ‘Male Polish,’ 1957

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Finger Foods

 

For olives, the forks, spears and spoons are for serving only.

There are a number of things that the most fashionable and well-bred people now eat at dinner table with their fingers. They are: 

• Olives, to which a fork should never be applied. 
• Asparagus, whether hot or cold, when served whole, as it should be. 
• Lettuce, which should be dipped in the dressing or in a little salt. 
• Celery, which may properly be placed on the table-cloth beside the plate. 
• Strawberries when served with the stems on, as they often are. 
• Bread, toast and all tarts and small cakes. 
• Fruits, of all kinds, except melons and preserves, which are eaten with a spoon. 
• Cheese, which is almost invariably eaten with the fingers by the most particular people. 
• Even the leg or other small piece of a bird is taken in the fingers at fashionable dinners, and at most of the luncheons ladies pick small pieces of chicken without using a fork. — Exchange, 1888

Etiquette. Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Singa and a Courtesy Campaign

A public education campaign featuring Singa the Lion was launched in 1982 under the National Courtesy Campaign with the slogan, “Courtesy is part of our tradition, it’s so nice to be courteous.”

The month of July has been “Courtesy Month” since 1979 in Singapore. Themes have changed from yearly, with songs, comic books and posters, all promoting courtesy. In 2013, Singa the Lion, Singapore's Courtesy Month mascot shockingly quit. In a letter, he explained his reasons:

Singa, the mascot for the Singapore Kindness Movement has called it quits. In an open letter the former Courtesy Lion, said that after 30 years, it was “just too tired to continue facing an increasingly angry and disagreeable society.”

Having done the job for over 30 years, Singa noted that kindness should not be a campaign, but a part of values education, adding that “people in authority - at work, in school, at home and in government - should lead by example”.

“I suppose it's time for real people to step up, and for the mascot to step aside.”

The letter also stressed that “it's not that we aren't a gracious society, or that kindness is not innate in all of us. But some days it feels like not very many of us believe in or care about expressing kindness.”

Signing off as “your friend Singa” the letter reminded that being rude, either online or in public, is a choice and people should be responsible for their actions and the society that they create.

 

The following day, it was revealed that the letter had been a publicity stunt.

Singa the lion to come out of retirement – the day after ‘quitting’

In what may prove to be one of the most predictable PR stunts in recent memory, the Singapore government’s “Singa the Lion” – the brand mascot for the Singapore Kindness Movement – is not retiring after all.

According to a story in government-backed broadsheet, The Straits Times, the stunt to withdraw Singa from the public eye – announced via a mock resignation letter– was actually a media campaign “to generate conversations and reactions online”, and Singa is likely to make a comeback. 

In the 2013 letter, the 30-year mascot, formerly known as Singa the Courtesy Lion, stated: “I’m just too tired to continue facing an increasingly angry and disagreeable society.” The letter also hit out at anonymous comments made by Singaporeans online, saying: “We can go online and be rude to others, but let’s not think it doesn’t count because it’s anonymous.”

The resignation appeared to have the opposite effect in inspiring kindness among online communities in Singapore, with the stunt prompting ire among bloggers and posters in social media. The Singapore Kindness Movement’s ad agency is DDB Singapore, although the agency said it had nothing to do with the stunt.

Poor PR stunts aside, Etiquipedia asks, “Can etiquette and genuinely good manners, ever be legislated or government run?” You are welcome to leave your thoughts in the comments below, or send us an email. We’re curious as to what our readers think.

Etiquette. Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

  

Elements of Great First Impressions

 

5 Elements of a Positive 
First Impression

A first impression will many times be a lasting impression.  How do you ensure yours will be a great one?

Whether you're attempting to land the job of your dreams or be accepted in a new circle of acquaintances, practice and planning will help put you at ease so that you present yourself with confidence.

To make a positive first impression, there are five things you should strive to perfect: promptness, appearance, handshake, smile, and conversation.  You have ample opportunity to practice these every time you leave your home - wherever and whenever you are with other people.

Promptness

One way to show respect for someone is to be on time and, in fact, early.  Your punctuality says to the person you're meeting that you understand the value of his time and are responsible enough not to take it for granted.  

Showing up late, particularly for a first-time meeting, says to the other person, "I don't care that you made time to see me.  You're not very important."  This type of subliminal message does not bode well for those seeking employment.

Resolve to arrive in physical proximity to the occasion early enough to be ready to enter precisely on time whether you are meeting someone for a business or social occasion.  It's proper not to ring your dinner host's doorbell prior to the time invited, as greeting you might take her away from important last-minute preparations.  Nonetheless, punctuality is a lasting show of respect, first time or otherwise. 

Neat Appearance

Like it or not, the first time someone sees you, judgements are made.  What do you think the internal dialogue of the person seeing you is like?

• "She certainly likes to be seen in a crowd."
• "Did he just roll out of bed and land here?"
• "She looks polished and professional.  A perfect fit for our company."

We all want to be noticed, but for the right reasons.  Consider the long-term effects of your appearance.  Individuality is a wonderful thing, but not if it keeps you from getting where you want to be.  

Practice giving some thought to your appearance.  Is your clothing is clean, wrinkle-free, and coordinated well?  Your hair, facial expression, posture and stance all factor into your overall appearance and the impression you make.

A Good Handshake

When you first meet someone and shake her hand, do you remember how it went?  If you do, it likely was a bad handshake.  

Getting it just right is an important part of a good first impression.  Make eye contact, extend your right hand vertically and as the hands meet at the web junctures between thumb and first finger, clasp the other person's hand, and shake. 

A handshake that is too firm says you may be nervous, even anxious, or that you are making a power move.  And a handshake that is too loose and soft says you don't know what you're doing or that you have no interest in properly greeting this person.

It's important that you practice shaking hands and remember what the perfect one feels like.  Practice as often as possible so that handshaking is a natural part of saying hello. 

A Warm Smile

Many times your smile is what stands out as making a first meeting most memorable.

A warm smile makes you seem open to engaging with other people.  It can comfort frayed nerves, ease tension, and is highly contagious (in a good way).

But the best of smiles are not just formed by your mouth.  It shows in your eyes, too.  The eyes are the windows to the soul, and if they are smiling, you appear happy, trustworthy, and confident.

Look in a mirror and smile.  What do you think?

Engaging conversation

Once you get someone's attention, you'll want to keep it.  Conversation is the way to do this, and it usually begins with "hello."  A kind, friendly tone of voice will engage almost anyone in conversation.

Practice conversing with people on the phone, while shopping, at the office, anywhere.  Be pleasant, but be discrete.  You don't want to overshare, and you also don't want to come across as a gossip.  The objective here is to become adept at beginning conversations.

More First Impression Preparations

Practicing the five elements of a positive first impression is a good start to actually making one.  You can also do some "behind the scenes" preparations.

• If you're attending an event where you'll meet many new people, know the purpose of the event, who is hosting and/or sponsoring the event, and who is attending.  Find out as much information (discretely, of course) as you can so you know what to anticipate.

• RSVP appropriately.  This will make an immediate impression on your host.

• Have a list of conversation topics in mind for the event you are attending before you arrive.  You'll never run out of things to talk about and will always keep yourself and others at ease with good conversation.  (And keep that positive impression going by following up with a thank-you note.)

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette. Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia