Etiquipedia© is an Etiquette Encyclopedia and Etiquette History Blog published to Educate, Enlighten and Entertain.
Saturday, January 16, 2021
Etiquette for the “Windsor Widows”
Friday, January 15, 2021
Etiquette for Guests Regarding Diet
English Etiquette and Absurd Fads
“There are two fashions very largely, almost, universally, affected by English women just now that I don't think will be copied over here even by the most pronounced faddist.” remarked a woman just back from a long stay in England. They are the chignon and the walking cane. “The fashionable coiffure is hideous— nay, revolting—and I'm sorry to say, it is affected by about eight in ten English women. It is simply a return to the most extreme style of the old chignon— an immense wad of hair, or imitation of one, stuck straight out from the back of the head. In its extreme development it is often fully as large as the head which it disfigures. Sometimes you see a woman who aims to be ultra-fashionable wearing two of these monstrosities, one atop of the other, and maybe a little sailor hat perched atop of the wad, but not covering her head at all. The only improvement over the old chignon is that the present one is a hair covered wire frame instead of a swab of hair. The vulgar people call it a ‘bun.’
Etiquette, Maté and the Bombilla
Living In Buenos Aires—There is no “middle class” in the Argentine Republic. Society is composed of those wealthy enough to refrain from manual labor and working people. Wages as a rule are low, and the cost of living as high as in the United States, and not half so good. In the “camps” peons engaged in herding are paid from $9 to $12 per month, and supplied with meat and maté. Should they wish to vary this diet, it must be done at their own expense. Few care to do so.
Maté is a peculiar herb grown in Paraguay, and is the national beverage of the country. It is dried, powdered and steeped in hot water and used as tea. It possesses considerable stimulating powers, and enormous quantities are consumed. All classes use it. A gourd is hollowed and filled with maté, a tube to suck through inserted and the contents absorbed. It is considered a serious breach of etiquette to refuse the maté cup when it is passed around. The same tube passes from mouth to mouth. — Los Angeles Herald, 1887
Thursday, January 14, 2021
The Fashionable 400’s Fortune Tellers
Wednesday, January 13, 2021
Nastiness and Social Pollution
A Suggestion on Hollywood Rules: Kind Over Matter
It certainly seems like the unkind—craven, wildly ambitious, stab-you-in-the-back types—are rewarded time and again. But bad behavior generally ensures a short shelf life. The question is really, What kind of person do you want to be once you’ve “gotten” somewhere?
When I left NYU in 1999, the year I turned “pro,” I was on the lookout for examples of what kind of professional actor I wanted to be. Before long, I had the great fortune to work with Judith Light, who, in addition to being wildly talented, seemed to place a premium on kindness. I remember how she greeted everyone with a smile—no matter who they were. She listened as if the fate of the planet depended on hearing someone’s every word.
Maybe it has something to do with my being from the Midwest, but witnessing actors like Judith—and the decidedly less enlightened behavior of others—confirmed my suspicion that it was possible to be both a good person andsuccessful in show business. I realized Vonnegut’s dictum was basically the only Hollywood rule worth following: You’ve got to be kind.
Kind to your fellow actors, to the producers and their spouses, to their assistants and their interns. You’ve got to be kind to the agents and managers (even if you often can’t tell the difference between the two), to the director and the people in wardrobe and props, to the photographer and the valet and the guy working checkout at Whole Foods, to the reporter at the press tour who thrusts a tape recorder in your face and says, “What song makes you want to get up out of your chair and dance?” And you must—and this is much tougher than it sounds in an industry that almost dares you to go insane—extend that kindness to yourself.
It really shocks me when I encounter people who think kindness doesn’t matter. Because I think it’s pretty much the only thing that matters. This should not be mistaken as a call for humorlessness or some naive, fussy moralizing on my part. It’s not about being “good” (a loaded concept, to say the least) or “nice,” which is really just a social convention that often has to do with worrying about being liked (occasionally masking real deviousness). It’s ultimately about compassion, recognizing that all of us are going through it all in our own particular way, no matter our social status.
It’s not our job to play judge and jury, to determine who is worthy of our kindness and who is not. We just need to be kind, unconditionally and without ulterior motive, even—or rather, especially—when we’d prefer not to be. For me, it’s simple and not entirely unselfish: When I’m kind, I feel good; when I’m not, I feel horrible. (Of course, the publication of this piece now ensures I will be caught on tape being a total schmuck.)
When my show How I Met Your Mother first went on the air, some people were quietly concerned the job would “change” me, as Hollywood lore is littered with tales of the monsters fame has created. Being a jerk was never all that interesting to me before I was on a television show. Now four years later, I’m happy to report no one has told me I’ve become one (to my face, at least).
Where will any of this get you in Hollywood? Maybe nowhere. That’s not really the point. Kindness is not about instant gratification. More often, it’s akin to a low-risk investment that appreciates steadily over time. One thing I’ve found to be true in show business, as well as everywhere else: Whatever you put out there comes back to you in some form eventually. Hopefully, one day you look around and say, “Hey, I’ve got a pretty nice life full of fantastic people.” If you have a better definition of success, I’d like to hear it.
This is bigger than Hollywood anyway. (Warning: If you think this is all a bunch of touchy-feely nonsense from someone who has clearly spent too much time in California, you might want to stop reading now.) I believe our thoughts and words are powerful far beyond what we suspect, that they carry some sort of mysterious heft that ripples outward, like the tiny flap of the butterfly wings causing a hurricane. Our planet is being despoiled in a myriad of provable ways, but might our unkind words be contributing on some level?
Consider it: What if we began to view unkindness as air pollution of the most toxic variety? Would we think twice before sending ozone-depleting nastiness from our lips into the atmosphere?
If you believe, as I do, that the state of the world is inextricably linked to our minds, that the external is a reflection of the internal, our minds are not in great shape. Every act of kindness, then, is not merely a sign of personal virtue. It’s saving the planet—the ultimate fusion of environmentalism, spirituality, compassion and common sense.
Of course, this is just a theory. In a more practical, less metaphysical sense, if you’re kind in Hollywood, people will want to work with you again. And if some unkindness is unavoidable, well, that’s why we have agents (or managers).
Josh Radnor stars in the hit CBS comedy How I Met Your Mother. He knows how to say “Houston” like a New Yorker but is still unsure exactly how to pronounce " Los Feliz.” — By Actor Josh Radnor, Los Angeles Times, 2008
Etiquette and Sleep Science
Women have been instructed in almost everything that pertains to living. They have been taught how to walk and stand and talk and how to eat, and now there comes a lady from Boston to teach women how to go to sleep and how to behave after they have gone to sleep. The etiquette of slumber will strike the average reader as a bit of absurdity, but, like most fads, this last new one has something in it. I believe, says a writer in the New York Press, the promulgator of this new idea, Miss Alice Cowell, names it the “Hygiene of Sleep,” and her theory is “the devitalization of the body.” That means that if you go to sleep properly and according to rule, you will be in the same state as if you were dead, save for the fact that the circulation goes on.
Etiquette and a Bare Era of Arms
The smoke of the fight about the decollete bodice has never enveloped the arm. Annie Jenness Miller says that if a woman's arm is pretty she should give its shapeliness frankly to the world; if it is not pretty she should study sleeves. The ideal arm has a beauty of wholesome, almost a pastoral order; it bears showing. It is clear skinned and rounded, and there is a gracious dimple just at the side of the elbow. The skin is soft, but the flesh is firm. Beneath it's smooth contour it is instinct with the strength that supports a tired child. It is a blemish if the lines are so full as to suggest the seraglio rather than the green fields.
Women who know anything about arms, have thrown their bracelets away. It is a mistaken policy to call attention to a poor arm, and a good one is never so beautiful as when naked. One often sees the value of a wrist absolutely destroyed by a bangle. Gloved or ungloved, sleeved or unsleeved, braceleted or without jewels, the arm grows in importance every day. Genevieve Stebbins Thompson and Madame Albertti and Henrietta Crane Russell and Mabel Jenness and the rest of the esthetes and physical culturists and Delsarteans have been teaching us all winter to pose, and the pity is we begin to “make” our arms before we have taken our degrees. The results are commonly ridiculous or harassing.
The arms of the woman who is not naturally graceful always look stiff and harsh as they lie in her lap motionless. If she is not bitten with any of the artistic fads, she makes an awkward hoop of them, with fingers interlaced. If she has been doing a little amateurish studying of classical collections, she extends them or lets them hang at full length, unflexed in hard, straight lines. The first piece of advice which a well-wisher would give such a woman would be that she allow both arms to fall in free, easy positions, slightly relaxed at the elbows or with the hand drooping a little at the wrist, but she should not allow her left arm to know what her right arm is doing. One ought usually take a somewhat different position from the other, else you overdo the bilateral and look like a jointed doll.
But it is when a woman moves that real difficulties arise. Many a girl makes capital out of handsome arms when she throws them into relief on the tennis ground, flaps like a seal if she shakes hands in a drawing room. The difference is partly in the environment; partly, sometimes in the gown. There's no getting a graceful motion if your dress has a French-fit at the shoulder seams. Most women think there's a fine reserve in restrained gesticulation, and it is true that the woman does not exist who can attitudinize in private life without considerable danger of making herself ridiculous.
You can tell much about a woman by the way in which she shakes hands. The pump-handle motion, fashionable this past winter, was distinctly vulgar, almost as much so as the present squaring of the shoulders, extensions of the elbows and swaggering clutch of the pocket which is sold to one girl in every four with her best spring jacket. Many a woman who is gracefully cordial with an intimate, falls back on a marionette-like wagging from the elbow if called upon to say, “How do you do?” to an important person of whom she stands somewhat in awe. The giving of the hand must be a whole arm motion, but the arm should not be extended full length, except in impulsive welcome; it may be kept rather near the body and the hand allowed to fall low. —San Francisco Call, 1890
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| Glove etiquette seems to be a little more liberal than it was before we wore the Greek gown. There are daring spirits who regard its classic folds as a warrant for baring the arm from the finger-tip to shoulder. There are even those who maintain that by wearing the Récamier dress, the same dispensation from gloves may be obtained. Ella Wheeler Wilcox, for example, when she puts on a short wasted white silk is never shy about exposing her long, rounded arms. — A public domain image of a Récamier dress in Portrait of Madame Récamier by Jacques Louis David, 1800 |








