Etiquette for a Non-Host’s Non-Guest

What kind of birthday party invitation is it if there is no host to pick up the tab? It’s a non-party invitation and you can treat it as such. If a friend asks you to join her for a birthday dinner at an expensive establishment and she is not offering to pay for your meal, you can politely wish her a happy birthday in advance, thank her for wanting to include you, and tell her your budget will not allow you to be there to celebrate with her. You can always suggest another restaurant that is priced more to your budget, but if she is offended by your honesty, that is her issue. It is not yours.

The Nonsense of Turning Down a Non-Invitation 

Dear Miss Manners: A friend recently invited me to a non-hosted dinner at one of our city's finest restaurants in honor of her birthday. I had to work that evening, and so declined her invitation gracefully (I hope), with a promise of taking her to lunch at a more, shall we say, proletarian eating establishment. However, she knows my work schedule is somewhat flexible, and seems hurt that I haven't made arrangements to be there.

The truth is, an evening at that restaurant would simply cost far too much without me making a spectacle of myself by ordering a starter salad and glass of water (tap), and saying, "No, really, I'm not that hungry." Most of us in our group of friends are on limited budgets, and I know others who genuinely like this person and are attending somewhat grudgingly. Is there any way to politely inform her that we would enjoy celebrating her birthday in a manner that doesn't require a month's grocery budget?

Gentle Reader. You did, and she didn't take it well. Miss Manners finds it a bit of a stretch for a non-host to be offended when a non-guest declines a non-invitation. Besides, you were gracious enough to indicate an interest in celebrating her birthday another way. We can only hope that your friend will mature enough to figure out the prob- lem before next year. — By Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners, 2003

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia