Legacies of Lords and Their Queen

Lord Stanley, the 17th Earl of Derby, was a Conservative Party politician in the United Kingdom. He was a British soldier, diplomat, and racehorse owner. He was twice Secretary of State for War and also served as British Ambassador to France. His father, also “Lord Stanley” and the 16th Earl of Derby, was the sixth Governor General of Canada, and gave Canada a treasured national icon, hockey’s Stanley Cup.

On the late Lord Derby – The man who was the life and soul of the Conservative party in England for years was in private life one of the most genial and childlike of men. To the last, his spirit of natural gayety never left him, and his wife was, as it were, the shadow of himself. A story was current in London society about this characteristic buoyancy of his, and his son’s no less characteristic ponderosity, not to say boorishness. Dining with the Queen one day, he had been speaking of light and amusing matters, entirely sinking the statesman in the polished man of the world, when the Queen, during a pause in the conversation, suddenly asked him his opinion on a certain political matter then before Parliament. 

He gave it at once, whereupon his royal hostess, seemingly very much amused, said to him, “Lord Stanley (his eldest son now Lord Derby, and a very able politician) was dining with me the other day, and I asked him the same question, which he answered very differently; so I said to him, ‘Your father does not think so.’” ‘No, ma’am,’ he said very gravely, ‘I know it; but my father, ma’am, is a very sanguine man.’” Lord Derby laughed, and, assuming all his son’s cumbersome manner and cumbersome, guttural speech, said with a roguish twinkle in his eye, “And my son, ma’am, is a very cautious man.” 

This anecdote is a capital illustration of the oral characters to whom it refers, the Queen delighting and having great tact in drawing out her guests by judicious little remarks of her own. Thus those Windsor dinners, despite the very strict etiquette of the English court, were skillfully shorn of their tedium, and rendered a pleasant remembrance to all who partook of them. That, however, was before Prince Albert’s death. 

In his own house in St. James’ Square, London, Lord Derby was peculiarly charming. Indeed, he was more charming than absolutely clever, yet it was so strange to think that the same man who at the informal meal of luncheon (of which, unlike many men, he was very fond) could so sparkle with harmless vivacity of spirits, was the same whom other men, cleverer than himself, could, listen to without wearying for a whole night in the House of Lords. 

Sometimes at dinner, when his son was present (which never happened except under moral compulsion), he would purposely start a heavy argument, and keep up a close fire of political repartee with his solemn younger self, to the immense but suppressed amusement of his guests, while Lord Stanley would fall unconsciously into the trap, and miss the kindly satire of his father’s imitative voice. Then after awhile, the elder man would drop the argument as if weary of it, and conclude thus: “But then, Stanley, you are so much older and wiser, and know things so well. You must be right.”— Lady Blanche Murphy, in the October number of Lippincott's Magazine, 1872

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Sneezing Etiquette

“If you are around other people, then the acceptable thing to do is to sneeze into your arm. More specifically, do it into the inside crook of your elbow or into your bicep. That way, the particles get trapped into your clothing and not ejected into the air.” – photo source, Irish Times.com                

Please Don’t Use Your Hands

The standard American greeting comes with a handshake. We open doors with our hands. We eat with our hands, touch our faces, and share everything from pens to computer keyboards. That's why I'm so grossed out when people sneeze into their hands. This is not just a distant memory from elementary school or an observation while riding on Muni. I've seen it happen all around me on campus: sniffling faces and knuckles dragging across noses. Then there's the inevitable sneeze - a loud and forceful eruption of saliva and mucus droplets - usually followed by a chorus of “bless yous.” Some of us need a refresher on sneezing etiquette. 

First, if you are really sick, stay at home! That way, in the safety of your own abode, you can sneeze any way you want to. You can get creative and do a 360-degree sneeze and not pose a risk of infecting anyone else (unless you have roommates, of course). If you are around other people, then the acceptable thing to do is to sneeze into your arm. More specifically, do it into the inside crook of your elbow or into your bicep. That way, the particles get trapped into your clothing and not ejected into the air. 

I've seen variations of this technique, including sneezing into the inside of your shirt or armpit... whatever acts as a convenient barrier is fine. If you forget and end up sneezing into your hands, that's OK, but don't pretend as if everything you just unleashed into your hands magically disappeared. Wash your hands right away! And if that is not feasible, then use a squeeze of some hand sanitizer. With these quick tips, not only will you help stop the spread of germs, but you'll look classy doing it. –From an article by M. Mandap, Synapse, UCFS, 2011

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Century of Chinese Etiquette

Mrs. Bishop “found the people a quiet, law-abiding peasantry, only anxious to reap the fruits of their labor in peace. A more thrifty, sober und industrious population could not be found.” – The article below from 1900, on “Chinese Characteristics,” showed that even the humblest of Chinese were well versed in their country’s manners and customs at the dawn of the 20th century. In 105 years’ time, the Chinese public was studying Western-etiquette in preparation for the Beijing Olympics. For more on the early 21st C. push by the Chinese to learn Western manners and etiquette, read the Etiquipedia post here 

Mrs. J. F. Bishop, F.R.G.S., the author of several works on the Far East, lectured at Exeter Hall, Strand, on “China and the Chinese.” Mrs. Bishop has traveled for two years, generally alone, through the most remote regions of the Celestial empire, without being molested. She found the people a quiet, law-abiding peasantry, only anxious to reap the fruits of their labor in peace. A more thrifty, sober und industrious population could not be found. In China, contracts with foreigners are always kept; Mrs. Bishop’s coolies and boatmen, although haggling much before making a bargain, never once failed to carry it out. This was largely due to the influence of the great guilds in which all sections of the people united, and which were admirably managed. 

These guilds were most powerful in protecting their members, and even the throne would hesitate to provoke their opposition. The country was the most democratic in the world, learning being the one avenue to promotion. Chinese charities were remarkable. The educational charities, burial and clothing societies, winter soup kitchens, and the lifeboat service in the rapid rivers were most admirable. The Chinese were horrified at the want of reverence and politeness of foreigners, and at the familiarity of children to their parents. When they asked a foreigner, “What do you allow your parents?” and the reply was, “Nothing,” they looked on him almost as a reptile. Chinese etiquette was complex, and was a part of their religion, but it was right in the main, and they were alienated by what they thought the rudeness of the foreigner. 

Some missionaries studied and carried out the native etiquette, but others, especially Americans, ignored it, and greatly shocked the people. Some American lady missionaries, by wearing birds or reptiles in their hats, and close-fitting dresses, which the Chinese regarded as contrary to propriety, caused the greatest offense. So complex was the etiquette of the Chinese that there were five rules to be observed in getting into a sedan chair, and once, when Mrs. Bishop forgot one of these, her bearers went and made sacrifices on her behalf at their own expense! —London News, 1900

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age “Emergency Etiquette”

Humor has long been used to make fun of one’s social foibles. Many of those in power socially, feel the need to appear effortlessly in control of their actions, and that they are above the little faux pas that seem to plague the rest of us on a regular basis. They always seem to make the easiest target of the etiquette satire. 

A Few Points of  Etiquette 

Advice Easy to Remember and Practice in an Emergency

In the mad whirl of the cotillion, if you wear ready made clothing bought from an irresponsible dealer, and hear a h-z-z-z that doesn’t harmonize with the F string on the bass fiddle, it is entirely correct and proper to not “forward and back” according to the commands of the figure caller, but to back straight ahead without balking, until you reach the wall, when a pin neatly utilized may cover your embarrassment and retreat. People who snicker under such circumstances should be put outside the pale of good society. 

When invited out to dinner and you inadvertently get a huge mouthful of mince pie that is hot enough to melt the solder off a gas pipe, tangled up in your epiglottis, do not act as if you had the whooping cough, but arise calmly and with a sleight-of-hand movement toss the offending morsel behind the majolica dog in the corner, meantime patting his head as though you thought him alive. This graceful act never fails to win the heart of your hostess, who thinks you intend her faithful friend to partake of the festivities. 

Some writer on etiquette, a good many years ago, said that it was perfectly proper to eat fried chicken with the fingers. I have often noticed people seize on a wing and rip it open like they would tear a yard of clothing material or a bolt of calico, and so the cracking of the crazy bone was audible all over the dining room. It is true that some fried chickens require heroic treatment, but when an apprentice in etiquette tries to jerk the goose flesh off the second joint of a Louis XIV hen and squirts a streak of gravy into the eye of his neighbor, it does seem that a new code regarding the best manner of shattering the remains of a hard boiled fowl should be introduced. 

When the sheriff of the county serves a subpoena on you, it is considered in good taste to attend his reception without further invitation on his part. Some sticklers on politeness, however, who find that it will prevent their witnessing a ball game, go to the extreme of sending around a physician’s certificate to the effect that they are indisposed from the influence of the sportive element. 

Don't use snuff if your false teeth are not strictly adhesive. I once heard of a case where this rule was not observed, when the transgressor, in a thoughtless moment, nearly knocked the eye out of a King Charles spaniel. In any cases of doubt about the minor points of etiquette a strong bluff on a weak hand, will almost always win. Rochester Union, 1889

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Observations in Spain

Artwork depicting clashes between the working classes and the Spanish elite – 1909 may not have been the best of years to travel to Spain. By late-July, a series of violent confrontations between members of the working classes of Barcelona and other cities of Catalonia (Spain) and the  Spanish army, during the last week of July 1909, is known as the “Tragic Week.” The clashes were the result of the calling-up of reserve troops by Premier Antonio Maura to be sent as reinforcements when Spain renewed military-colonial activity in Morocco on the 9th of July. Many of these reservists were the only breadwinners for their families, while the wealthy were able to hire substitutes. –image source, Pinterest

An Etiquette Travel Journal

From what we saw, and from what happened to us, I made up a page of Spanish etiquette. It is probably not correct, but I offer it as the result of our experiences. If you are of the female sex, never wear a short shirt, a sailor or English walking-hat unless yon are willing to have people stare at you and sometimes call after you. If you have red hair, dye it or be prepared to be saluted as “Rubia.” Never bow to a man unless he lifts his hat first. 

If you are a man, you may dress as an Englishman, an operatic tenor or a chorus singer from Carmen, without exciting remark. Never wear glasses if you are blind, take to a dog on a string. When you sit down at the table, or arise, always bow and say, “Buenas,” this is imperative. You may jostle people without apology, but never speak to any one without saying “your grace” be he noble, friend or beggar. “Will your grace do me the favor to bring me my coffee at nine o'clock tomorrow,” would strike an American bellboy with dismay. But it is the literal translation of the Spanish request. 

Never tell a beggar to clear out, but say that you have left your purse at home, and that you will remember him tomorrow; or, gently murmur that God will reward him, whereas he will smile, thank you and depart. These same beggars, which spring up on every side, seem to have a code of etiquette we could not fathom. After two or three days, there were a few who besought Jean. Evidently, we were understood to be the patrons of certain beggars who, out of a crowd of mendicants, were the only ones to approach us, who would take their dole with thanks, or if we said “tomorrow,” would smilingly back away at once. 

A trip into Spain ought to mean more than sketches of life, as we saw it in a single city. Yet it was our pleasure to linger on in Madrid—with the exception of three days spent in Toledo and the Escorial for the whole of our two months’ holiday, and to return direct to Paris without seeing any of the southern country so beloved by other tourism. So can any one wonder that, to us Spain means Madrid, the city of marvelous contrasts. – From “A Second-Class Trip into Spain.” in The Outing Magazine for February, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Slang Barred in Boston Schools

My advice to the children in Boston schools is: Don't be slovenly in the use of English. Slovenliness is the result of habit, and once tolerated, it is likely to cling to all of us until mature life. – Jeremiah E. Burke

“Hello” Barred in Boston

 According to Superintendent of Schools Burke the Word is Both Undignified and Slovenly

Do not say “Hello” when you pick up the telephone. Avoid “Nope" and “Yep“ in your conversation when you mean “No” or “Yes.” If Boston is going to sustain its reputation as the “Athens of America” it must quit the use of these barbarisms, according to Jeremiah E. Burke, new Superintendent of Boston schools. It is more in accordance with Boston culture to say something like "This is Mr. Smith talking; with whom am I conversing?” 

“There are many words,” Superintendent Burke says, “to use in place of that undignified and impolite word ‘Hello’.” It is condemned in Boston schools, particularly in classes in salesmanship, where knowledge of dignified and grammatical English is essential. “There is no excuse for the use of ‘Nope’ and ‘Yep’ in conversation. I believe that if Boston school children will check themselves in their use, parents at home will gradually dispense with their use. My advice to the children in Boston schools is: ‘Don't be slovenly in the use of English. Slovenliness is the result of habit, and once tolerated, it is likely to cling to all of us until mature life.’” –Boston American, 1922

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Danish Military Etiquette

“The worst thing about military establishments is their cultivation of false standards and their insistence on caste distinctions essentially undemocratic and unnecessary for discipline and efficiency. The American army and navy fortunately have less of that sort of thing than foreign establishments, yet more than they ought to have.” – Danish military uniforms of 1940 – image source, Pinterest

Manners Changing for the Military Ranks

The labor government of Denmark is smashing many precedents, especially military and social precedents. Laust Rasmussen, Minister of Defense, is one of the leading smashers. Here is something that gave the professional military officers a shock the other day: 

The Minister of Defense, on his way to army maneuvers in an official automobile, wanted a cup of coffee and stopped at an inn for it. Doing what seemed to him a perfectly natural and obvious thing, he invited his chauffeur to sit down at the table with him. When he reached the maneuvering field, he found that the news of his amazing conduct had preceded him, and the general staff was scandalized. A pompous officer in gold braid informed Minister Rasmussen that such things simply were not done. For which the Minister replied: “Why, that chap driving my car is an engineer in private life, and I'm a linotyper, you know, so we’re on about the same footing. Now, General, if it had been you driving my car, it would have been different. Then I couldn’t have got a cup of coffee.” 

The professional man probably failed to get the satire. But the Minister’s example ought to set a new precedent, in Denmark and elsewhere. Men are more than titles, even in the army, and courtesy is more than gold braid. The worst thing about military establishments is their cultivation of false standards and their insistence on caste distinctions essentially undemocratic and unnecessary for discipline and efficiency. The American army and navy fortunately have less of that sort of thing than foreign establishments, yet more than they ought to have. – San Pedro Pilot, 1924

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Allies and “Guests”

Military etiquette, for example, demands that when a party of British officers are saluted by a British private, only the senior officer acknowledges the salute. When, however the salute is given by a French private, the acknowledgement is made by all the officers. – photo source, Pinterest

British Headquarters, (France) July 12.—One of the first considerations of the British army officials is the avoidance of all friction with the inhabitants of the occupied districts of France and the maintenance of most cordial relations with the French soldiers. A principal factor in keeping on good terms with the allied army has been the steadfast insistance on the courtesies of discipline. Military etiquette, for example, demands that when a party of British officers are saluted by a British private, only the senior officer acknowledges the salute. When, however the salute is given by a French private, the acknowledgement is made by all the officers. “The idea is,’’ a staff officer explained, “that by this act of courtesy, we daily show to the French, our consciousness that if we are their allies, we are also guests in their country. And where the officers give the lead, the men are quick to follow.” – Morning Union,1915

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia