Gilded Age American Women Lacked Manners?

A beautiful woman without good manners is a flower without fragrance. 

 

Good Manners 

This is the grace of which I think American women are becoming very careless. They are so beautiful as a race, so accustomed to conquest, that perhaps they are getting to believe that Pope's line, “Look in her face and you forget them all,” applies to manners; but a beautiful woman without good manners is a flower without fragrance. She is worse—she becomes a positive nuisance, presuming on her beauty and abusing one of God's greatest gifts. You must look at her, but you look to regret, to disapprove, instead of being charmed for life to “sweet looks married to graceful action,” you grow to despise and hate her. 

In a country like ours we must expect to find a frequent coupling of ignorance with wealth, of official station with awkwardness, high social position with bad manners— combinations more rarely remarked in the older and more settled states of the world. Kings and Queens must be decently well bred and well educated. They cannot help knowing the proper way to eat a dinner, they cannot help observing the properties of dress and etiquette, and the people immediately about them must follow their example. No such necessity exists here. 

We may have a Governor or Mayor who is entirely untrammeled by the laws of grammar and spelling, who uses his own sweet will in regard to his knife and fork, and who is still the proper person to receive the representative of a foreign power. In our cities how sickening it is to see the potentiality of some vulgar rich man who can “buy the crowd” in more senses than one!—How mournful to note the absence of good manners in some of our prominent literary and religious celebrities!— men whom you hesitate to ask to your house, although their talents are exercising so much influence on the world, and their names are on everybody's lips. 

The trouble lies in a deficiency of respect, a lack of training, an absence of something to look up to. The best bred men in America are the officers of the regular Army and Navy. They've been taught to look up to reverence authority and to be respectful. It never leaves them: they become the most dignified and the most simple men in the community. 

When women reach a larger grasp of the subject, and observe this great rule, that “the position of power is better than the show of it,” they will have advanced far beyond their present status. The end and aim of the week and the uncertain is to appear strong and well posed at whatever cost. It has apparently struck some women in the society of our new country, which must be on a shifting scale, that they appear to stand well by being disagreeable-that an air of hauteur and rudeness is becoming aristocratic. It is the mistake of ignorance, and would soon be cured by a careful study of the best models in Europe. — Lippincott's Magazine, 1871 

 

 Lippincott's Magazine was a monthly magazine of literature and science, published in Philadelphia in the late 19th and early 20th centuries.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette... A Tale of Two Persias

Nāṣer al-Dīn Shāh, also spelled Nāṣir al-Dīn Shāh (born on July 17, 1831 in Tehrān, Persia—died on May 1, 1896, Tehrān). Qājār shah of Iran (1848–96) began his reign as a reformer, but over time became increasingly conservative, failing to understand the accelerating need for change or for a response to the pressures brought by contact with the Western nations.

Persian Civilization  

I have been much surprised to hear even well-educated Englishmen, in recent discussions on Persia, speak of the Persian Nation as if it were completely wanting in civilization and were ages behind Europe in manners, customs, and ideas. Such a false impression of the characteristics and social condition of our good friends, the neighbors of our Indian Empire, is, I think, due to ignorance, and I fear also to insular prejudice.  

Persia has not progressed as Europe has done, but Persian civilization and Persian art had reached a high degree of development when England was covered with tangled forests and its inhabitants were half-clothed savages, whose highest skill was shown in the slaughter of wild animals with the rudest of weapons. Persian civilization has not retrograded, though Persian art is certainly stifled by the introduction of cheap but inartistic articles from the commercial West.  

In Persia, a polite etiquette is as strictly observed as in any country in the world, and though, in some trifles, the manners of a Persian gentleman may appear strange and even amusing when observed in the West, it is safe to say that nothing which a Persian gentleman would likely to do when mixing in Western society would in any way shock the delicate feelings of that society. In this respect it is fortunate that the recent journeyings of the Shah and his suite were sufficiently extended to give a practical and widespread contradiction to the numerous absurd stories which had been current concerning the disagreeable peculiarities of Persian manners and customs. 

As regards habits of personal cleanliness, on which Englishmen so greatly pride themselves, it may astonish many of my readers to learn that the Persians, with considerable reason, consider themselves far superior to any Westerners in this respect. I will only mention, as an instance, that the Persian considers that to remain sitting in a small bath and to commence and complete ablutions in the same water, is far from a cleanly habit, and it is one which is never practiced in the heated baths which the native frequents with such pleasure in Persia, and which he greatly misses when traveling into the West— News From London, January, 1890 

Late 19th Century Persian Family

Persian Etiquette 

... In spite of his jewels and external splendor, the Shah-in-Shah ("King of Kings") is, according to European notions, a savage in many respects proud, willful, sensual, and arbitrary. If punctuality be "the politeness of princes," as it is said to be, the Shah would, in consequence of his utter indifference to engagements, be one of the most ill-mannered men in the world.  

He kept the parade at Potsdam, ordered by the Kaiser, waiting a couple of hours. He kept the Queen for half an hour at the railway station waiting for him. He would not go to breakfast when it was announced, at the time of invitation, but walked about in the garden, and then, seeing an arbor which pleased him, desired to have his breakfast brought there. When he sat at dinner yesterday he put his fingers in his plate and ate with them, and if he came on a piece of some dish which he did not like, he took it out of his mouth and threw it down—not on the ground, but on the Queen's (Empress') dress.  

If free from the more horrid vices attributed to Persians by travelers, he is quite without shame or scruple in his disregard of what is called mortality by Christians and good Musulmen. I came from Potsdam in the same carriage with some of his suite—very fine gentlemen as far as their lace and clothing went—but with all the frivolity and arrogance of ignorant and uneducated men. Their talk was of their own prowess and of clothes; how they could ride better than any people in the world, because they could back a horse from the desert and ride him, whereas Europeans rode only horses which were already broken in —a Prussian officer dryly remarked, "the difference is that we direct the course of our horses, and that your horses follow their own."  

They all spoke French, and the Shah-in-Shah knows it much better than he would be thought to do from his mode of speaking it, as when he is quite at his ease he can talk it pretty fluently. But he is not much at his ease with European barbarians, and it is ludicrous to see him standing alone in a crowd with a clear space round him and no one to talk to, for he balances first one leg and then on another, "like a hen on a hot griddle," and does not know what to do with them or his hands. 

When he turns his back and the spectator calmly surveys his exterior, freed from the distracting influences of his diamonds, the Shah does not present an imposing appearance. I admit that the backs of most people fail to impress one, but his Majesty's tailor has rendered his "revers" quite abnormally ridiculous by making his frock-coat with a multitude of fine plaits like those of a Highlander's kilt or of a lady of Queen Bess' time over the hips, and so all round. His face is seldom animated, and there is something incongruous in the position of his respectable gold spectacles, á le Thiers, on his aquiline nose, under a Persian cap, and over all these, diamonds.  

Before I close, and an illustration of their character, which in some respects is the same as that of their ancestors, I may mention that they told some Prussians that the campaign in 1856 was in their favor. The reason they gave was curious. "The British retired Persia—that showed they were beaten. Had they been victorious, they would have remained." "But the Shah signed a treaty granting all the British demands and apologizing for the offenses committed by his people." Yes that may be so, but it was not because we were obligated to do it."  

They made some appeals to the enormous old Colonel of Police, who is famous for the rigidity of his manners and the severity with which he guards the morals of the city, to relax his code in their favor. And were not at all successful. The Shah has, however, some reason for thinking that the high tone of the Police Director is not maintained uniformly, for he has, as I think I told you already, added to the number of his wives here, if report be true, and espoused a girl of fifteen whom he saw by accident, and immediately "proposed" to by a representation to her mother, which that good lady accepted, as there was a provision made for her daughter's future in Persia.  

There has been some trouble in teaching the Shah and his followers that women are to be treated with respect, even though they go about with their faces uncovered, and one of the most useful lessons they will carry back from Europe is that which will teach them to consider their wives their equals, and not their slaves —if they learn it. There is a great "if," for they do not at all approve of all they see here. From New York, June, 1873

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Etiquette's Best Teacher

Won't you come to my tea party? ~1895

The Best Teacher of Etiquette and  Other Etiquette Tidbits

The Best Teacher of Etiquette 

The best book of etiquette is that “great” one, the best society. If you feel awkward or uncertain, watch people whose manners show that they are conversant with all that is best. In imitating them you will not be apt to make mistakes. 

The average American girl is quick at recognizing her mistakes and seldom repeats one after she realizes her error. She is kind of heart and sympathetic, and because of her quick wit, and these two virtues, she will always be a gentlewoman in the best sense of the word.  From The Ladies' Home Journal, 1897 

Etiquette Overdone 

The good people of the church gave the poor children of the parish a bountiful dinner, and the delight of the youngsters was much more manifest than their table manners. One little fellow was discovered clutching a jam tart in one fist and a lump of pudding in the other. He was reproved for his breach of etiquette, and took the reproach very meekly. But a moment later he turned to the diner next to him and remarked regretfully: "The troubles about these here table manners is that they was invented by somebody who wasn't never really hungry!" From The Sausalito News, 1916 

Etiquette 

“Etiquette” is a French word which originally meant a label indicating tho price or quality, the English "ticket," and in Old French was usually specialized to mean a soldier's billet. 

The phrase "that's the ticket" shows the change to the present meaning of manners according to code. Burke solemnly explained that "etiquette had its original application to those ceremonies and formal observances practiced at courts. The term came afterward to signify certain formal methods used In the transactions between sovereign states."  From The Amador Ledger, 1907

Japanese Etiquette  

The Japanese young lady now learns fine manners, the etiquette of society, and above all, the arrangement of flowers. The mistress of a house who was unable to arrange them would be regarded as absolutely incompetent to take her place in the world: and not only must she have the artistic sense of color and form, she must be learned in the deeper science of their allegorical significance. Flower language is one of the tongues in which she must be able to converse. From The Sacramento Daily Union, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Punctuality

Taking care of the morning marketing (1894)

A Great Unwritten Law–

Promptness at meals is a virtue of which absence has caused deep anguish of spirit to countless long suffering housewives. The tardiness at breakfast from indulgence in a last nap, or at luncheon from a too protracted shopping expedition, or at dinner from an over extended round of calls, may seem a trivial to the delinquent, but Harper's Bazaar reminds sinners in this respect that to the housekeeper it means injury to the food and disturbance of her own peace of mind. 

The habit of always being ready when a meal is announced should be especially binding upon a guest. For one who is receiving the hospitality of a home, to ignore it by disregarding its customs, is the extreme of ill breeding. 

Conformity to the rules of the house in this respect, and in the particular of not presenting one's self in the drawing room at an uncanny hour in the morning, should be observed by all visitors, while the duty of always being ready on time when invited to go for a drive or to go to some entertainment would seem too obvious to be mentioned were it not that one sees this unwritten law so constantly violated. –From Harper's Bazaar, May of 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Etiquette and Eccentricities

Astor Reception in London 

William Waldorf Astor ~ The Astors were one of the wealthiest families of the Gilded Age

Notables Gather at Carlton House Terrace — Grand Duke Michael, Prince Alexander of Teck, Ambassador Hay Among the Guests

William Waldorf Astoria gave his second reception at his home in Carlton House Terrace this evening. It was preceded by a dinner party, at which 40 guests were present, including Prince Alexander of Teck, Ambassador Hay, Mrs. Hay, and Miss Hay. 

The mansion, which even before it became Mr. Astor's residence, was counted  among the most elegant private mansions in England, has been entirely renovated. The rooms have been exquisitely paneled and enriched with fine carving. The grand staircase has been lavishly gilded and adorned with beautiful frescoes. The dining room is a remarkable specimen of the decorator's art and is hung with  magnificent tapestries. 

The refurbished diningroom at Carlton House Terrace in the 1930s.

The table is over 40 feet long, probably the largest in the country. The table decorations this evening were massive silver candelabra, while yellow and white orchids and silver bowls containing fruit and champagne and ice were arranged along its entire length. 

The reception was one of the most brilliant given in London in recent years. Among those present were the Grand Duke and Duchess Michael of Russia, Earl Cadogan, the Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, and a host of English dukes, earls, and counts, with their duchesses and countesses, Lord Mayor Faudel Phillips and the Lady Mayoress,  and scores of members of the Diplomatic Corps. 

Among the most striking toilets were those worn by the Countess of Essex, Lady William V. Harcourt, Mrs. Ronalds, Mrs. Bradley-Martin, and Miss Leiter. 

The display of jewels was simply prodigious and the house was a mass of flowers. M. Paderewski, Mme. Melba, M. Plançon, and other famous artists assisted in the musical programme.

~More on William Waldorf Astor ~

William Waldorf Astor's Actions Puzzling Britons—

Officials Are Amused At His
Eccentricities

London Registration Judge Learns That Former American Lives at His Office Instead of at Carlton House Terrace

Special Cable to The Herald

LONDON, Sept. 23,1897

The strange way in which William Waldorf Astor orders his life furnished a puzzle this week to the registration Judge to whom he applied to be placed on the parliamentary voting list for the Holborn division of London. Mr. Astor has 'a palatial house at Carlton House terrace, situated In the Strand division, but he applied to be registered instead for ' the Astor estate office, on the Thames embankment, about a mile away, which Is in the Holborn division. In explanation it was stated that he virtually lived at Cliveden, his Thames-side mansion; that he slept only a couple of times a year at Carlton House terrace, and that when in London he resided at the office of the estate. He has a single bedroom there, with two servants, a chef and an assistant, and spends all his time reading and writing in his study.

When the registration official made inquiries at the estate office all lnformaton was refused, and he was almost hustled out. On going to the office of the Pall Mall Gazette he was informed that they knew nothing about Mr. Astor's movements. The same reply was given at Carlton House Terrace. The judge remarked that If Mr. Astor took the trouble to become a naturalized Englishman he might at least condescend to look after his vote.

The estate office is a beautiful Italian renaissance building, the lower windows of which are covered with massive crossed iron bars. It Is situated close to the Temple station, the most secluded spot on the Thames embankment."


 Originally published in the New York Times, June 10, 1897 and the Herald, September 23, 1897 

 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette of Addressing a Lady

“Artist Charles Dana Gibson's representation of American womanhood at the turn of the century was so captivating that it seemed every woman wanted to become a 'Gibson Girl.' In this cartoon, Gibson parodies his own creation, having the women toy with a minuscule man with the aid of a magnifying glass. Times were definitely changing.” — Library of Congress

Good Form in Addressing a Lady

A lady who has not been married and is no longer young should be addressed and mentioned by every one, except her household, with the prefix of “Miss” before her name, even though the number of daughters in her family makes it necessary for the sake of definiteness to include her baptismal name also when mentioning her. 

To use a first name when conversing with an elderly unmarried woman is in bad form. Had the true old custom been retained of addressing matrons and all un-wedded women who were no longer youthful as Mistress, speech with them would be far more elegant than it is—“Mrs.”, as a word, meaning nothing. 

In notes and speech, a young unmarried lady is addressed as Miss by gentlemen, mere acquaintances and servants, but her own family and kinfolks, also her intimate friends, call her by the name which was given to her at baptism, and it is not considered in good form to speak to or of her otherwise. 

The use of “Miss” by her own circle leaves no distinctive method by which remoter persons may speak to or of a young girl. This formality may be criticized, but, according to the social etiquette of New York, it is the usage of the very best society and has an excellent reason underlying it. For a dear woman friend to speak to, or indeed of, a young lady by any but her first name, except to a social inferior, would be inelegant for the reason already given. 

From The Herald News, May of 1891

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia

Excited Anglophiles and Lesser Royals

The Duke and Duchess of Teck and family ~ They had four children: Princess Mary, Prince Adolphus, Prince Francis, and Prince Alexander. The couple became an embarrassment for the British Royal Family. Known for leading a lavish lifestyle well beyond their means, they were forced into exile in 1883. To avoid their creditors, they fled abroad to Florence. After settling their debts in October of 1884, they were able to return to White Lodge, their residence in Richmond Park. It was then that Queen Victoria took their eldest daughter, Princess Mary of Teck, under her wing.

“Foolish English in Florence” 

"I hear from Florence that the English in that city are making fools of themselves, anent to the Duke and Duchess of Teck, by insisting upon carrying out all the strictest laws of court etiquette wherever the Teckian Highnesses go. They never think of leaving before them, and there is so wondrous an amount of kissing of hands and prancing backward at evening parties where they are present, that the Florentinos, Russians, and Americans are lost in amazement. These loyal antics may afford the Princess Mary and the Duke a certain amount of amusement, but if persevered in, they will render a residence in Florence unendurable, both to them and to all who are not flunkeys."

From "The London Truth," published January 1884

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Newport Etiquette 1899

Pay no attention to what you read or hear! "There is much gossip and some scandal afloat at Newport at present, and some of this will undoubtedly reach the ears of the flock of special correspondents now there, to be sent out by them in garbled and exaggerated form. The reading public may therefore be cautioned against sensational stories affecting the members of Newport society, for the next few weeks, or until the season closes there."

Newport, Rhode Island in Summer:

 The class distinctions, dining habits, drinking habits, fads and customs from the news of the day...

Source~ From a thesis by Kay Davis for the University of Virginia, in 2001

By the mid 1850s, the wealthiest and most elite class of Americans wealthy families chose Newport, Rhoode Island as their summer playground. The area was considered an ideal spot for their summer vacation “cottages.” 

A perfect vacation setting was established for a group known as, “The 400.” It was a group of very wealthy individuals, as evidenced by their enormous mansions, which quickly sprung up, each larger, more expensive and more elaborate than the previous.

Their summer presence, their grand balls, lavish parties, yachting and hunting activities that surrounded their very being there, epitomized what is now known as “The Gilded Age.”

The grandest of Newport’s “Summer cottages” and the symbol of the Vanderbilt family's financial and social preeminence, in turn of the century Newport, Rhode Island

The Newport Cottagers; A Brilliant Social Season in Prospect

The list of cottage arrivals unusually large - crowded hotels— 

Newport, R.I., June 29, 1889

The season of 1889 starts out with flying colors, and everybody here is feeling in excellent spirits over the present condition of affairs and prospects. The season has taken a spurt this week, and at least 275 cottagers are now established here for the Summer. An astonishing number of people have arrived considering the earliness of the season, and the cottages have filled up so rapidly...

What is Doing in Society?

Newport, R.I., August 13, 1899

The most eccentric fads seem to be the most popular. Harry Lehr is responsible for appearing all the time without his hat and arranging his hair on the top of his head so that he will not be sunstruck, and Mr. James Stokes does likewise, and some of the gossips insist that it is he who has introduced this fashion this Summer at Newport. Last Summer two or three men, however, were conspicuous in the same manner. On the other hand, those who do wear hats have taken to the enormous affairs of straw or of the sombrero variety.

A form of indoor tennis called squash has also become the vogue, and everybody must play it, even if the automobile drive is sacrificed. All these whims and caprices here at the other watering places, which take up the latest thing from Newport with avidity.

Mrs. McK. Twombly introduced last season at Newport the French fashion of having a very dainty, but not a long dinner, in Summer. Four courses were considered to be quite enough. This year everywhere, the long menu has come into fashion. It is an English idea taken from the banquets given by various fashionable people to the Prince of Wales. At the cold dinner given by Mrs. Oppenheim to the prince, and mentioned last week, there were twenty courses, and there are stories of some recent stag dinners given at one of the watering places, the menu of which would've put the chef of Lucullus— if he had a chef— to shame.

There is a revival of the use of various wines with different courses and the rarer and more expensive the vintage the greater the glory. This champagne and scotch whiskey, which is held the favor of fashion for some years are being relegated to the background of the wine closet.

There is much gossip and some scandal afloat at Newport at present, and some of this will undoubtedly reach the ears of the flock of special correspondents now there, to be sent out by them in garbled and exaggerated form. The reading public may therefore be cautioned against sensational stories affecting the members of Newport society, for the next few weeks, or until the season closes there.— The New York Times,1899

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia