Etiquette: A Social Currency

Etiquette is at its most basic the rules accepted as good manners and social skills. It is responding to an invitation promptly. It is showing appreciation for someone else’s graciousness or assistance. It is showing up on time and being dressed appropriately for a given event. It is about not embarrassing someone else or gossiping about others. It is a firm, but friendly, handshake and smile. It is many times about one’s character.

Does Etiquette Have a White Stigma?

In the minority world, sadly the word “Etiquette’ does not often translate as ‘necessary social skills’ or ‘social graces for everyone,’ but more as something showing off someone’s whiteness and assumed financial status. It has become an all too often experience that I need to explain a few truths about living a well-mannered life. 

Etiquette is at its most basic the rules accepted as good manners and social skills. It is responding to an invitation promptly. It is showing appreciation for someone else’s graciousness or assistance. It is showing up on time and being dressed appropriately for a given event. It is about not embarrassing someone else or gossiping about others. It is a firm, but friendly, handshake and smile. It is many times about one’s character. 

Etiquette can make a big difference in whether one will be accepted or not in a new school or employment environment. Knowledge of etiquette opens doors and helps build friendships. My family was not wealthy, nor did I live around affluent people, however I learned important social graces from my grandmother. “Head up, shoulders back”. I could still hear her voice correcting my posture every time I corrected my children when they were young. 

Many of her lessons and behaviors I learned from her as a young adult, made me realize that knowledge of etiquette and good manners are much like a social ‘currency,’ of sorts. They open doors to exclusive clubs, opportunities and strong friendships. They open up a world in which others trade in the same pleasing social currency. 

For the majority of my life I have been told I was “acting white” or “trying to be white.” One quote I heard too often was, “You’re acting bougie,” all because my vocabulary consisted of ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ ‘may I,’ ‘yes, ma’am,’ ‘yes, sir’ and much more. I had no idea that many heads of households in my community, which was heavily saturated with minorities from humble beginnings, were not always raising their children with the same knowledge of social graces, understanding of social choreography, graceful femininity or chivalric masculinity, as my siblings and I were.

Etiquette is universal. The truth is that it needs to be introduced to children and adults of all nationalities and ethnicities, from all walks of life, early on in life. Even babies born with gilded spoons in their mouths, I am certain, needed etiquette training to be accepted in their corners of the world. We all do. It’s never too late to benefit from workshops and training if you were not as fortunate as I was growing up. It’s time to embrace, enjoy and live life. Why not be poised while doing it? 

Etiquette unfortunately has to lose the ‘white’ stigma attached to it in minority communities. No particular race or ‘color’ invented manners! Forks were invented in Africa. Some of the earliest writings on diplomacy were written in Egypt. Confucius wrote about the necessity of manners in China as early as 500 BCE. Good manners are expected and accepted throughout the world. Every society needs them to exist. 

It’s time that we enrich our lives with the knowledge of Etiquette. We people of color have to put the false pride down and learn how to walk into any room with dignity, good posture and grace. It is time we learn to command an unfamiliar room with well-honed social skills and leave a positive impression any time we make our graceful exits. We all have to eat. Let’s all do it with impressive table manners!

Countributor Eileen Copeland is the founder of Southern California Etiquette™, a modern etiquette and social refinement platform which explores dining culture, hosting, presentation, and contemporary social behavior. A native Southern Californian, Eileen’s background includes executive and personal assisting, real estate, wellness, modeling, beauty, and luxury client services. Married for over 15 years, Eileen is a mother of two and grandmother of two, whose broad experiences, including living internationally for nearly a decade, helped shape her appreciation for culture, hospitality, and refined living. She shares life with her husband, her mini Goldendoodle, Teddy, and Luna, her sphynx cat, while continuing her etiquette studies under mentor Maura Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia