Etiquette and Table Settings

3 Ways to Set a Dinner Table 

from ProFlowers.com

Food? Check. Drinks? Check. Table setting? Almost. While a simple plate, fork, spoon and knife set-up may do the job, if you really want to impress your dinner guests, take the extra time to set a formal dining room table. Before you feel the need to start shopping around for an oyster fork, ProFlowers has outlined the three main table settings—basic, informal and formal—for you to choose from based on your style and dinner plan.

They’ve also included some fun table-setting trivia so you can spend your meal impressing guests after setting the perfect tablescape. Bon Appétit!

A basic setting need not have a spoon, unless it is for a particular food or course.

A cup and saucer are only proper at informal dinner settings, at lunch settings and breakfast settings. 

The fork is the only utensil allowed at all 3 sides of a setting. A maximum of 3 are allowed on the left, 1 is allowed on the right for the appetizer, and 1 is allowed above the plate for a dessert course.

Ultimately, good food and good company make for the best dinner parties. Bring together your table setting with a fabulous bouquet. From rustic to elegant, a floral centerpiece can set the tone for your meal.

ProFlowers sells a wide variety of fresh-cut flowers, mixed bouquets and potted plants, shipped fresh from the grower.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Moderator for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Hands at the Table

Renaissance etiquette and one's hands at the table– On the Continent of Europe, propriety enjoins diners to sit with both hand in full view of the company; most correctly, unused hands should rest on the table's edge, being visible only from the wrists. 

Anglo-Saxon table manners allow, even prefer, the diner should eat where only one hand need be used, with the left hand lying on his or her lap.  It is a limitation upon one's ability to grab things, like the decision to use only the right hand, or only three fingers.  On the Continent of Europe, however, propriety enjoins diners to sit with both hand in full view of the company; most correctly, unused hands should rest on the table's edge, being visible only from the wrists.  (Erasmus had commanded boys to “have both hands on the table, not clasped together, nor on the plate.”)  The Anglo-Saxon custom of permitting guests to sit with one hand hidden seems, to Continentals, at best a sad sign of naiveté.

One reason for hands being kept in sight used to be the people had to learn not to scratch at table. Della Casa’s, “Galateo” says, for instance, that waiters were not to scratch their heads– or anything else –“nor place their hands on any part of the body which is kept covered, nor even appear to do so, as do some careless servants who hold them inside their shirt or keep them behind their backs hidden under their clothes. They must rather keep their hands in sight and out of suspicion... .” 

This rule holds even more strongly for diners, who are constantly warned not to stroke their beards, twiddle their mustaches, rub and pat themselves, or scratch their heads. Erasmus says it is unsightly to scratch, especially if it is done through habit rather than necessity. John Russell's “Boke of Nurture” counsels against “clawing your back as if after a flea; or your head as if after a louse.” Fleas, like gristle in the mouth or fibers wedged between the teeth, are to be ignored by polite people. The discomfort they cause must be heroically endured and not only hidden from view, but kept from the suspicions of others. – Margaret Visser’s, 1991, “The Rituals of Dinner” 

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Art of Introduction

"The debatable question as to whether a woman should shake hands with a man who is being presented to her, has been solved by making it only obligatory, for the woman to offer her hand to the man when the occasion is informal, and the man is being introduced to one person at a time."

Art of Introduction

There are few people who have not suffered at one time or another by the off-hand manner in which they were introduced to others. This kind of introduction is likely to embarrass some people, just as the careful and gracious introduction is one of the essentials in putting strangers at ease.

In introducing people the greatest care should be taken to pronounce both names distinctly.  If one name has escaped the introducer's memory it is safest and best to excuse oneself, and ask for the forgotten name. The most delicate sensibilities should not be wounded by such a slip of memory, for who is there who has not at some time or another quite forgotten a well-known name?

The debatable question as to whether a woman should shake hands with a man who is being presented to her, has been solved by making it only obligatory, for the woman to offer her hand to the man when the occasion is informal, and the man is being introduced to one person at a time. When he is meeting a group of people, it makes it embarrassing and awkward to shake hands with all. – Los Angeles Herald, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Moderator for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Introductions

It is quite unnecessary to introduce a newcomer to the guests already assembled during an afternoon call. She should be presented to one or two near her, but the whole room need not be broken up by her arrival, as it would be were she to meet all those present. (Unless, of course, she was invited by mistake to embarrass the family and the new daughter in-law needs to rescue her philandering new father in-law.)

When Introducing Strangers...


Presenting persons to each other is one of the little courtesies of daily life so simple that it should be done correctly without effort. The rules are inflexible, chief among them being that the man is always presented to the woman — that is to say, the form is such that the woman during the presentation is usually asked if Mr. So-and-So may be introduced to her. The introduction may be put in the form of a question, as "Mrs. So-and-So, may I present Mr. Smith to you?" or, "Mrs. So-and-So, I wish to present Mr. Smith to you." The hostess never says to the man: "I wish to present Mrs. So-and-So."


It is a rule that the younger woman is always presented to the older one, and an unmarried woman to a married one. A young man, of course, is always presented to an older one. It is the courtesy due to age.


One making the introduction cannot be too particular in mentioning names, and they should always bo given clearly. It is exceedingly trying for two persons not to know what to call each other. In the case of a married woman presenting a person to any of her relatives the greatest care should be taken to call the name, but altogether to often one hears the matron say: "I want to present you to my sister," or "aunt," or "mother," quite failing to say what the name of the relative is, and the stranger knows that it is not that of the married woman.


It is not necessary nor, indeed, expected that a woman shall rise to speak to the newcomer, unles the latter should be older. Youth always rises for age if one is courteous. The hostess stands to welcome a new arrival, but the others merely bow as they sit. A woman never rises to greet a man unless she is hostess or unless she wishes to pay him a special compliment. The only exception in this is when the woman is very young and the man many years her senior.


Shaking hands is a custom much fallen into disuse and is omitted at the usual first meeting, if the two people being introduced are intimate friends of the hostess they are apt to have heard of and have an interest in each other, and express cordiality by shaking hands. A man should never offer his hand first to a woman, but should he do it, a woman should take it. To refuse is more than awkward. A hostess or host is apt to shake hands with the guests of their house simply because it makes their greeting more hospitable, but it is not obligatory. If it were possible to sum the this fixedly, one would say that with friends one shook bands because one wished to, and to acquaintances merely bowed. But this is not a fixed principle of etiquette. There is much leeway.


It is quite unnecessary to introduce a newcomer to the guests already assembled during an afternoon call. She should be presented to one or two near her, but the whole room need not be broken up by her arrival, as it would be were she to meet all those present.–Los Angeles Herald, 1907

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Moderator and Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Social Custom

The only exception to the old and present day rule is in the case of husband and wife. In such cases the husband gives his left arm to his wife. The origin of this is to show the domination of man over woman. 

"It's a Matter of Etiquette"

Should a man offer the right or left arm to a woman?  In social circles just now there is going on quite a discussion regarding this question.  To one’s wife, one gives the left arm.  To all other women, the right arm.  It is now being urged that the social custom be changed, and that man be considered quite correct should he offer his left arm to all women.  This question of etiquette, like so many others, originated in France centuries ago.


Shakespeare writes of a man “as polite as a French courtier." The "grand Maitres de maintien" decreed some ages ago that a man must give his right arm to members of the fair sex because one always places on the right hand those whom one wishes to honor.  French gallants, just like the American men of today, held the daughters of Eve in high honor.  At a ball when inviting a woman to dance you must give her the right arm, and after the dance, in promenading, you do not change the arm. It is the same rule at all functions, or even when walking in the street.


The only exception to the old and present day rule is in the case of husband and wife.  In such cases the husband gives his left arm to his wife.  The origin of this is to show the domination of man over woman.  It is now being urged that the right be dethroned in favor of the universal use of the left.  The argument is that in such case the man has the use of his good right arm for the defense of his fair companion, and to assist her the better if slipping or falling.  The coming season ought to definitely settle the question. –Sacramento Union, 1908

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Moderator for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and the Porcupine

"Freeze or get stabbed, mate. It's your choice." Meeting someone half-way helps make society cohere.

"Politeness is a signal of readiness to meet someone half-way; the question of whether politeness makes society cohere, or keeps other people safely at arms length, is actually a false opposition. Politeness does both, and that is why it's so frightening to contemplate losing it. Suddenly, the world seems both alien and threatening and all because someone's mother never taught him to say, 'Excuse me' or 'Please.' 

There is an old German fable about porcupines who need to huddle together for warmth, but are in danger of hurting each other with their spines. When they find the optimum distance to share each other's warmth without putting each other's eyes out, their state of contrived cooperation is called good manners. Well, those old German fabulists certainly knew a thing or two. 

When you acknowledge other people politely, the signal goes out, 'I'm here. You're there. I'm staying here. You're staying there. Aren't we both glad we sorted that out?' When people don't acknowledge each other politely, the lesson from the porcupine fable is unmistakeable. 'Freeze or get stabbed, mate. It's your choice.'" –From Lynne Truss', 2005's Talk to the Hand

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Profiles in Etiquette–Amy Vanderbilt

Amy Vanderbilt was born on July 22, 1908 in New York City, New York, a relation of Cornelius Vanderbilt, an American business magnate and philanthropist who built his wealth in railroads and shipping. She worked as a part-time reporter for the Staten Island Advance when she was 16 while attending Curtis High School. She furthered her studies and was educated in Switzerland and the Packer Collegiate Institute in Brooklyn, before attending New York University.

From 1929 to 1932 she was married to Robert Brinkerhoff. She worked in advertising and public relations, and published her famous book, Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette, in 1952, after five years of research. She also wrote, among other books, 1961's Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Cook Book illustrated by Andy Warhol. This cookbook's illustrations are attributed to "Andrew Warhol", and predate Andy Warhol's first New York solo pop art exhibition. His illustrations are simple line drawings in pen and ink. 

                                                              

How to Eat a Lobster from Amy Vanderbilt accompanied by Andy Warhol's illustrations.

From 1954 - 1960 she hosted the television program It's in Good Taste and from 1960 - 1962 she hosted the radio program The Right Thing to Do. In 1968 she married Curtis Kellar, a lawyer for Mobil Oil. She also worked as a consultant for several agencies and organizations, including the Princess House Crystal Company and the U.S. Department of State.

On December 27, 1974, she died from multiple fractures of the skull after falling from a second-floor window in her townhouse at 438 East 87th Street in New York. It remains unclear whether her fall was accidental (most likely due to the medications she took for hypertension, which friends and relatives said caused her to have severe dizzy spells) or whether she committed suicide. She was buried at the Cemetery of the Evergreens in Brooklyn, New York.
                                                         

Sooner or later everybody needs Amy Vanderbilt

Amy Vanderbilt's Obituary and the Mystery– 

Jump Or Fall? 

Amy Vanderbilt Dies In New York Plunge

“December 28, 1974, The Desert Sun– NEW YORK (UPI) - Amy Vanderbilt, columnist and etiquette expert whose book on manners became a standard for American behavior, died in a plunge from her second-story apartment Friday night. She was 66. Police at first said it appeared to be a suicide, but today said it had not been determined whether she jumped or fell. 

“An official ruling was withheld pending an inquiry and an autopsy. Police said no suicide note was found. Her husband, Curtis Kellar, was inside the apartment when the fatal plunge occurred. He said he walked into the front room, noticed his wife was not present and saw the open window, police said. Police said a passerby found the body of the author of ‘The New Complete Book of Etiquette’ lying on the sidewalk in front of her apartment at 7:55 p.m. Reached later at home, Kellar said his wife had been ill for a long time with hypertension and had been taking various drugs. He said she complained of dizzy spells and may have fallen out of the window. A friend, who asked not to be identified, described Miss Vanderbilt, who she said she saw two days before Christmas, as being ‘a little harried preparing for Christmas, but in good spirits.’

“Miss Vanderbilt was taken to Metropolitan Hospital and pronounced dead on arrival at 7:58 p.m., police said. Her ‘Complete Book of Etiquette’ which was completed in 1952, made her a national authority on etiquette. The 700-page book was later revised as ‘The New Complete Book of Etiquette.’ In 1954, Miss Vanderbilt joined the United Feature Syndicate, where she stayed until 1968 as a syndicated columnist. She wrote her column for the Los Angeles Times Syndicate since 1968 and wrote regular monthly columns for the Ladies’ Home Journal and McCall’s. 

“In addition to her literary efforts, Miss Vanderbilt also appeared often on television and radio. From 1954 to 1960 she hosted ‘It’s in Good Taste,’ a television program on etiquette, and from 1960-62 she had her own radio show, ‘The Right Thing To Do.’ Miss Vanderbilt was married four times, the last to Kellar, an assistant general counsel for the Mobil Oil Corp., in 1968. She is survived by three sons, all from previous marriages. They are Lincoln Gill Clark, by her second husband, Morton G. Clark, and Paul Vanderbilt Knopf and Stephen John Knopf, by her third husband, Hans Knopf. Miss Vanderbilt’s body was taken to the Manhattan Medical Examiner’s office for an autopsy.

“A memorial service will be held Tuesday at 3 p.m. at the Church of the Holy Trinity, and a family spokesman suggested that in lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the Eye Bank for Sight Restoration in New York.”

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Egyptian Harem Women

Veiled, Egyptian Harem Women, in a Dressmaker's Shoppe, circa 1918– "The women's movement in Egypt began during the last decades of the 19th century, when social and political changes overturned traditional Egyptian life. Until then, upper-class domestic life was defined by the harem, the part of the household where a man’s wives, concubines and young children lived in seclusion and were serviced by slaves. When these women went out they put on veils to ensure they could not be seen by men. Harem women were envied by the rest of society for their pampered and easy lives. And although less well-off urban women also veiled in public, women in the countryside did not, making the veil a kind of status symbol." –From The Middle East: A Guide to Politics, Economics, Society and Culture By Barry Rubin

"It is been pretended that it is not the jealousy of the husband which, in Mohammedan countries, confines the wife to her apartments; but the influence of laws and customs, enforced long before the time of Mohammed. From this peculiarity in their manners proceeds the style in which the Turks construct their houses, which are divided into two parts; one called a salamlik, corresponding to the andron of the Greeks, inhabited by the master of the family; the other, called harem (the retired or sacred apartments), in which the women reside.

The passages conducting from the former to the latter are reserved entirely to the master of the family; no servant, not even the eunuchs, ever entering the harem, where everything is performed by female slaves. Near relations are admitted twice a year, during the festival of Bairam, and on occasion of a marriage, lying-in, or circumcision; but their visits must be short, and in the presence of female slaves.

These—the only men before whom the ladies can appear unveiled—are denominated Mahhrem, and all strangers, to whom the harem is interdicted, Na-Mahhrem. According to the strict etiquette required by ancient usage, a lady cannot appear unveiled before a physician, even in presence of her husband, or have her pulse felt except through a muslin sleeve; but, in cases of danger, the law relaxes its severity.

Physic is generally practiced by women, who are the only accoucheurs in the empire. The employment of a man on such occasions would disgrace a family forever; so that these barbarians, gross and ignorant as they are, display infinitely more delicacy on this point then civilized nation."– From Egypt and Mohammed Ali; or, Travels in the valley of the Nile, Volume 2, By James Augustus St. John, Muḥammad 'Alî (pasha of Egypt.)

Women of Egypt Break Harem Laws

The “new woman” movement in Egypt is rapidly growing in strength, and despite the traditions of the Mohammedans is being favorably received. Harem laws are being broken with impunity and many of the younger women have discarded their face veils and are taking part in political processions engineered by the Egyptian nationalists. At the beginning of the political riots women of the lower classes took part in the looting, but now the cry for "emancipation" has spread to all classes. The girls in the government school joined the boy students when they went on strike against British rule. –Los Angeles Herald, March 5, 1920

‘Egyptian Princess’ Jailed in S. F. 

SAN FRANCISCO, July 14—Della Pattra, who claims to be an Egyptian princess, was sent to jail when she could not satisfactorily explain to the judge why she wore a harem costume in court.–Los Angeles Herald, July 14, 1920

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia