Military Etiquette and Protocol

The Manners of the Military —"With practice, protocol and etiquette will not be difficult but will be instead a natural, courteous way to properly greet and entertain civilian and military visitors and colleagues."

Practices developed among nations in the course of their contacts with one another define the essence of protocol. Protocol is the combination of good manners and common sense, which allows effective communications between heads of state and their representatives. It is not static. Rather, it is an evolving science that, over the years, has lost much of its traditional pomp and picturesque ceremony.  

Changes in accepted protocol, however, are best left to the highest policy-forming officers in the Department of State. Errors in protocol may be mistaken as a signal of a change in the international climate. Persons are cautioned that unauthorized innovations in protocol, however well intentioned, are improper. 

Etiquette encompasses the body of manners and forms prescribed by custom, usage, or authority. It is accepted as correct behavior when people deal with one another. Etiquette preserves respect for the rights and dignities of others. In short, etiquette represents good manners.  

Today, many of the old established customs are blended with less restricted ways of life--of entertaining with little or no help, in communicating with others, and in coping with everyday problems that once were handled by a staff. The full integration of women and divergent cultures into the Services brought more changes. Service people now have a more knowledgeable way of life. Still, as in bygone years, there are certain rules to be followed in order to reach the goal of easier, gracious living. 

As with any rule of the road, a charted course will get you to a specific place at a given time for a certain occasion. Proper etiquette is not artificial. It is a practical set of rules. When learned, these rules save time that would be wasted in deciding what is proper. Etiquette helps people proceed with the more important phases of social interaction.  

The intent of this is to provide you with the basics of proper protocol and etiquette. Using this information as a foundation, you should feel at ease in such matters as calling cards, introductions, invitations and responses, official dinners, seating and precedence, forms of address, and arranging visits for important visitors. 

With practice, protocol and etiquette will not be difficult but will be instead a natural, courteous way to properly greet and entertain civilian and military visitors and colleagues. — From the U.S Military's, 2001, "A Guide to Protocol and Etiquette for Official Entertainment"

Contributor Maura Graber, has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, for nearly a quarter of a century, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette.  She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows. Maura was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years, and has an odd love of strange and unique dining utensils.  

Etiquette Enthusiast Maura J Graber is the Site Moderator and Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Retro Etiquette Advice

"Make sure you don't miss a spot dear. Have I told you how handsome you look in that apron?"

More Mid-20th Century 

"Modern Etiquette"

By Advice Columnist, Roberta Lee

From 1952

Q. Is it proper for the bride-groom's family to send announcements of the marriage to their own friends when the bride's family is not sending any? 
A. The bridegroom's family may properly notify their own friends by telephoning the society editors of the newspapers, as well as by writing personal letters to their relatives. But it would be questionable taste should they mail out engraved announcements. 

Q. Is it considered good manners for a man to examine the items on his check when dining with a girl in a restaurant? 
A. This is perfectly all right. But he should do so in a casual and unobtrusive manner. 

Q. When calling on a friend who is ill and one is not permitted to see him, is it proper to write a short message on one’s card? 
A. Yes. This is a very nice thing to do.


From 1962

Q. Is it considered good manners to enter someone’s home with a lighted cigarette in one's hand? 
A. No. 

Q. When a wedding gift is given to a bridegroom by his fellow workers in an office, should he thank them, or should his bride (who does not know them) thank them? 
A. He should thank them. 

Q. Will you please comment on the art of correct handshaking in general? 
A. In addition to the much-frowned-upon limp, flabby handshake, try to avoid the bone-crushing type, which is painful if the other person is wearing a ring; the pump-handle technique; and the refusal-to-let-go technique, which is usually reserved for women and is supposed to indicate great ardor. A good handshake is at elbow level, and is firm but brief.

From 1963

Q. Is the black-bordered type of mourning stationery still in good use? 
A. This has not been in “popular” usage for many years. If, however, you still feel that you'd like to use it, your paper should be white with a narrow black border ranging from 1\4 to 1/32 of an inch in width. 

Q. When attending a buffet dinner, is it permissible for a guest to revisit the serving table for a second helping? 
A. This is perfectly proper and expected. The big rule to remember is never to take more than you are sure you can eat. It would be very poor manners to heap your plate with food, and then leave half of it uneaten. 

From 1965

Q. Is it possible to correct someone's grammar without being impolite ? 
A. No one likes to be corrected in group conversation, and efforts at improvement of grammar and diction had better be reserved for members of one's family or friends who you are SURE will consider them as favors, and not insults.

Q. Is it all right to eat bananas with the fingers when at the table? 
A. No; they should be skinned on the dessert plate, then cut and eaten with the fork. —From The Madera Tribune

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Retro Phone Etiquette

     

Impatient “jiggling” of the hook to signal the operator does not flash the small lamp on the switchboard. 

Phone Etiquette Advice is Given

Keenly appreciative of the value of correct telephone usage in newspaper work, the New York Sun is at present, running a series of suggestions for telephone etiquette in its popular column entitled ’The Sun's Rays" for the information of readers.

Forty two items have been included to date in the series, a number of which follow:

                        

“Guess who this is” was never good telephone manners. 

Telephone Etiquette

• The old - fashioned "Hello" when answering the telephone has become obsolete through the modern usage of the name or telephone number to identify one's self. 
• Placing the receiver on the hook gently prevents making a disagreeable noise in the other party’s ear and eliminates possible damage to the instrument. 
• Telephone manners are important for voice to voice courtesy and as important as face to face politeness. 
• “Guess who this is” was never good telephone manners. The modern telephone user establishes his identity immediately. 
• A courteous way to start the day right is with a sincere “Good morning.”
• Good breeding is revealed quite as much by courteous manners over the telephone as though you were physically present. 
• Talking directly into the mouthpiece with it a half inch away, will enable the one to whom you are speaking to get your message without straining to hear you. 
• Impatient “jiggling” of the hook to signal the operator does not flash the small lamp on the switchboard. The right and effective way is to move the hook up and down slowly.—The Madera Tribune, 1928 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Telephone Etiquette and Success

A Pleasing and Distinct Voice 

is a Real Asset!

Telephone etiquette, declares the Christian Science Monitor, is not limited to any arbitrary rules laid down for the instruction of its subscribers. 

Telephone Etiquette Combination of Common Sense and Consideration

What may be called telephone etiquette, declares a writer in the Christian Science Monitor, is not limited to any arbitrary rules laid down by this or that telephone company for the instruction of its subscribers. But it is so far-reaching as to include all the general amenities of daily life now associated with the use of the telephone that make things easier and pleasanter for all concerned and, incidentally insure the best results. 

A "party line" was a telephone line or circuit shared by two or more subscribers.

Like most rules of etiquette, the writer finds that the underlying rule of telephone etiquette is a combination of common sense and consideration for others. Co-operation is the word used in telephone circles, but it is a product of co-operation not only on the part of the one who calls, but also of the operator and of the person who answers the call.

Good manners on the telephone, in its use both in business and social relations, is dependent upon clear enunciation. Not only is it courteous to make oneself understood by the person answering the call, but it is necessary that the operator should understand quickly and clearly, not only the number given, but the name of the exchange.

Another effect of improved enunciation is that it becomes a valuable social and business accomplishment, for unconsciously, the intelligent use of the telephone leads to a more careful choice of words and a more pleasing tone of voice. An upward inflection of the voice gives a cheerier air to the conversation. 

Good telephone manners also include thoughtfulness as to the time.

Brevity and conciseness over the telephone should not be mistaken for curtness or brusqueness, which are always quickly noticeable at the other end of the wire, and should be carefully avoided. Another element of telephone etiquette is the prompt answer to a call and in making yourself known at once, while the party who makes the call Is usually the one who should end the conversation. 

Good telephone manners also include thoughtfulness as to the time the calling person is on the wire and reasonable brevity in the conversation, especially when one is using a party line. —The Madera Tribune, 1927

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Antebellum Etiquette and Holiday Entertainments

"If a lady has set apart a special day for receiving calls, she should have a silk dress for the occasion. The quality may depend on her position. Laces and jewelry may be worn with this dress. A lady who attends to her morning domestic affairs, may receive calls in her morning dress, which must be neat, with white collar and cuffs. Upon receiving New Year’s calls, a lady should be dressed as elegantly as she can afford. If she darkens her parlors and lights the gas, she should be dressed in full evening dress." –Antebellum Styles and Advice on the Etiquette of Dress

“In New York City, where it is the custom for ladies to remain at home to receive the calls of their gentlemen friends, there is not time nor occasion for dinner; should it be desirable, it would be similar to that for Christmas, or instead – a cold roasted turkey (bone it if you can), cold boiled ham or tongue, a large glass salad-bowl of pickled oysters, or an oyster pie with dressed celery or a chicken salad, with jelly puffs and tarts and small mince pies, blanc mange, de russe and jellies and ice cream and fancy cakes, with syrup water and orgeat or lemonade for temperance, or wines and punch. The manner of celebrating New Year’s day by calls, is a peculiarity of our own, and having so few which are 'native here,' many of our wisest and best, have wished that this might in no wise be slighted. Many a feud-divided family have been united, and misunderstanding friends have been brought together, under the all-pervading hospitality and genial influence which distinguishes the day.” –From American System of Cookery, Mrs. T.J. Crowen, 1847

                                                                    

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Gilded Age Polish

Aiming for polished perfection, daughters of wealthy parents are often sent to what are called "finishing schools."

Where Girls Are "Polished"

When the daughters of wealthy parents have completed their ordinary routine of studies at school, they are often sent to what are called finishing schools, where they are polished. There are a number of these schools in the larger cities. 

Do not suppose that at these institutions of learning: the girls are taught such common-place things as arithmetic, geography or practical studies of the ordinary sort. "Book learning" is practically omitted from the curriculum, being retained only so far as is necessary for the acquirement of knowledge indispensable to one who aspires to be a good conversationalist on the ordinary topics talked of in society.

The chief studies are languages, much proficiency in French being required, and a general smattering of French, English and German literature is also taught with the aid of books. In spite of the fact that only wealthy girls attend the schools, an atmosphere of comparative simplicity pervades most of them.

At one of the most exclusive in New York, French candies are almost unknown, and there is strict discipline, with very limited spending money, so that the attention of those to be polished may not be diverted from the serious matters In hand. Really, the discipline at this school is so strict that many of the girls, who have been petted and pampered all their lives, soon grow tired of it and abandon the school.

When once a girl becomes accustomed to the discipline of the school, however, she is usually loth to leave. Their food is of the best and is cooked by a French chef. They visit every theatrical attraction worth seeing and occupy a box at the opera almost nightly during the season; this round of gayety being varied during Lent by the organization of sewing classes, where they work for charity. 

Extravagance in dress is also tabooed. Each girl is allowed to have with her just five dresses when she enters in October. These dresses are two high neck evening dresses, two for everyday wear, and one for the street. The street dress must be suitable to wear to matinees and church, while the everyday gowns are worn indoors, except in the evening, when the evening dresses must be donned for dinner. The first step, therefore, is to teach the young women to ignore dress and make it subordinate to manners and accomplishments, which is one of the most difficult things for those not born to the purple to learn. 

As for spending money, no girl is allowed to have a greater allowance than $5 a month, out of which they must pay their car fares and buy pins, ribbons and other trifles. This prevents the eating of too much candy, which would be bad for the complexion. 
                                                                 

At one of the most exclusive in New York, French candies are almost unknown, and there is strict discipline, with very limited spending money, so that the attention of those to be polished may not be diverted from the serious matters In hand. 

The girls occupy separate, well furnished rooms, opening on a general parlor, which is shared by three or four pupils. The course of instruction occupies a year. First, the girl is taught how to walk down stairs, enter a room and say "How do you do?" How to greet an old friend and how to greet strangers; when to rise and when to remain seated; how to enter a carriage and how to alight; the etiquette of a carriage, how to drive, and the like. This work will be sufficient to occupy the first quarter, for it is by no means so simple a thing as it seems. 

During the second quarter is taught the etiquette of dining, how to preside as hostess, how to act as guest; how to enter a dining room with an escort, and the entire art of dining well, either as hostess or guest. A smattering of ceramics, so that the student may be able to critically examine china, is incidental to this course. 

Next comes Instruction in the etiquette of dances and other social functions. She is taught what to wear and how to act under every conceivable circumstance. The last quarter is devoted to the study of fashions in millinery and dresses of the day, together with instructions upon the leading, recent events in society and a thorough knowledge of the names of people who constitute society all the world over. 

When a young woman has completed such a course of training she is able to take her place in any circle. Unless she is naturally very stupid, she knows all there is of polite usage, and if she is very bright, and is backed by family and wealth, she may be a leader of society some day.—San Francisco Call, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Finishing Schools

Traditional finishing schools in Switzerland may be a thing of the past, but one is holding out successfully - and has a controversial plan to expand its recruitment.

The Swiss Finishing School That Refuses to be Finished

In an elegant villa high above Lake Geneva, a dozen or so young women are painstakingly learning to eat an orange - with a knife and fork. The trick is to section the orange carefully, removing the peel so that it ends up looking like a flower, leaving behind a perfect orange ready for eating. There should be no sound from the cutlery or the plates. And all the while, says teacher Rosemary McCallum, "you should continue making polite conversation with your neighbour".

These are the eager students at what school principal Viviane Neri describes as "Switzerland's, and possibly Europe's, last finishing school". The formidable Madame Neri inherited the Institute Villa Pierrefeu from her mother, and over the decades has seen her school continue to thrive, while nearly all the other traditional finishing schools - once so common in Switzerland - gradually closed. "We were never the kind of school where girls practised walking downstairs with books on their heads," explains Mme Neri. "They don't just go skiing all winter and learn a bit of typing here." Instead, Mme Neri's curriculum is primarily "international protocol and etiquette". "We teach mainly etiquette, what we call hostessing - which is really the French 'art de recevoir': how to be a good hostess, table service, table decoration, floral art, home management, cooking and so on."

The women at the Villa Pierrefeu range in age from 18 to over 50, and come from many different countries, including India, the United States, Saudi Arabia, China, and Lebanon. Sonom from India describes herself as a businesswoman and adds: "I'm going to be very successful". She believes the lessons from the Villa Pierrefeu will help her achieve that success. Najate is a 30-year-old university lecturer from Lebanon. She wants to expand her existing courses in business studies to include elements of protocol and etiquette, and is hoping the Villa Pierrefeu curriculum will give her some tips. And Carol, from the United States, wants to support her husband, who has a successful business career which involves a great deal of entertaining.

Their day begins with a lecture from Mme Neri on protocol. It soon becomes clear that, for some people, seating your guests at dinner can be a worryingly complicated affair. Where should you put the second son of a duke, for example? Is he more important than a daughter? Which country's ambassador takes precedence? (And the answer to that is not, in fact, the ambassador with which your country enjoys the best relations, but the ambassador who has been longest in the post.)

Later, the girls head for a "tricky foods" lesson with etiquette teacher Rosemary McCallum. Here, again, what seems obvious is often not so. "You eat hard cheese with a knife and fork," explains Ms Mc Callum. "You must never put a piece of hard cheese on a slice of bread and make a sandwich out of it. Soft cheese you can spread, but just break off a small piece of bread - oh, and mozzarella's a soft cheese, but that you eat with a knife and fork. "It's really not all that complicated."

'Polite Conversation'

And once they have mastered the cheese etiquette, along with other skills such as flower arranging, and dressing for a formal dinner, the girls put it all into practice at a mock dinner in which half take the roles of men, and half of women. Each has a profile, and those playing the women, in particular, are expected to make conversation.

"Steer clear of the taboo subjects," reminds Ms McCallum. And what are they? "Religion, politics, sex - and money is usually a difficult one, too." Those who imagine that such a list of forbidden topics might lead to a tedious conversation would be right. The girls themselves clearly believe they are learning something useful. "We've been taught how to dress appropriately," says Jessica, from London. "And how to eat correctly, how to have polite conversation. It's a good experience, to know how to behave better." So was her behaviour bad before? "No, but you can just hold yourself better, and if you're at a dinner party you know what you should and shouldn't be saying."

$20,000 Bargain

Some might argue that these are not things most people need to pay good money for. But of course, these girls are not most people: they come from the world's wealthiest families, and it is clear many of them believe the institute's fee of $20,000 (£12,860) to spend six weeks in one of the most beautiful regions of Switzerland, and acquire a little social polish at the same time, is a bargain.

Meanwhile, Mme Neri, staying true to her goal of keeping her school open and thriving while those around her close their doors, has grand plans for the future. In the 21st Century, she reveals, good manners need not be a uniquely feminine skill. "I think soon, we'll probably open up to men also," she announces. "The men used to learn these things in officer school, and we have been asked by many men why we don't give courses for them also, so I think yes, we will probably do that in the near future." So, perhaps as soon as next year, Switzerland's last traditional finishing school will take the radical step of becoming co-educational. Meanwhile, the girls are still struggling with those oranges. "It's hard work," says Sonom. "But you get used to it." – 2012, Imogen Foulkes, Geneva for BBC News 

Originally published in The Local, by Catherine McLean and portions of an article for BBC News by By Imogen Foulkes, Geneva

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age NYC‘s New Year’s Customs

“The politicians will have all their constituents down on them like a swarm of locusts and there is no avoiding it. No etiquette will answer to repulse them, for hunger is at their back, and their charge is the ravenous rush of the famishing wolf.”— New Year's, 1871 

Change of New Year's Day Customs in New York of 1871 

Part 3
The General Crows

Meantime the canaille will hunt in couples and crowds, as usual, and prey on the great part of our people who foolishly adhere to the custom of furnishing forth immense tables with dainty commissary stores in quantity sufficient to satisfy a battalion of hungry troopers. Every livery-stable carriage in the City was engaged two weeks ago, and the “roughs” especially have taken care to form their little parties and engage their conveyances in time. The politicians will have all their constituents down on them like a swarm of locusts and there is no advoiding it. No etiquette will answer to repulse them, for hunger is at their back, and their charge is the ravenous rush of the famishing wolf.

Temperance Movements

Public prejudice has done a great deal toward reforming custom this year, as far as wine and whisky drinking at New-Year’s tables goes. Many will abandon the flowing bowl for this one time, in disgust with the effects of “cheering spirits” on the late callers: but the great mass of those who receive calls will cling to their rum as of yore. The result of course, will be a maudlin aspect of affairs when the gas-lights begin to illuminate the depleted decanters and the remains of the New-Year’s feasts. The retail liquor trade for holiday uses is reported as fully equal to that of any previous year, which is a good showing, we take it, for King Alcohol, after all the boasts of his Temperance toes.

New fashions for the 1870s —On New Year’s Eve the New York Times in 1871 publicized the outcome of “cheering spirits” and the public prejudice toward such behavior with the result of how rum can be disruptive with no conscience of etiquette politeness. 

Part 4
Reception of Callers by the Sheriff

The Mayor will not receive New-Year’s Day officially. Sheriff Brennan will take possession of his Department on Monday morning, and he and County Clerk Loew will receive jointly in the Sheriff’s office, between the hours of 11:00 am and 1:00 pm on Monday.

Suspension of Public Business

The Custom-house will be closed on Monday, except between The Sub-Treasury will be closed during the entire day, and the Gold and Stock Exchanges adjourned over yesterday until Tuesday morning. The various public offices will also be closed to-morrow, together with the National and State Courts.

New Year at Newark

Last night the Methodists of Newark, according to custom, held watch meetings to usher the old year out and the new year in. This morning the chimes at St. John’s Church will be rung, and at many of the churches special services will be held and sermons preached appropriate to the occasion. Monday will be observed as a legal holiday, and the banks, as well as most of the other places of business, will be closed. The Mayor and Senator Taylor will receive calls at the City Hall, and most of the City Fathers will keep open house for their constituents. Rev. Alfred Taylor of New-York, will make an address at the New Year’s celebration of the Sabbath-schools connected with the First Reformed Church, Market Street Newark, to-day.

Observed at Brooklyn

The following chimes were sung at St. Ann’s Church on the Heights of Brooklyn, about midnight, as greeting to the New Year:

• Ringing the Changes on Eight Bells 
• Old Dog Tray 
• Blue Bells of Scotland 
• Yankee Doodle 
• Life Let Us Cherish 
• Once in Royal David’s City 
• A Happy New Year to Thee 
• Watchman, What of the Night 
• The Christmas Tree From Greenland’s Icy Mountains 
• Hosannah to King David’s Son 
• Carol Christians 
• Home Sweet Home 

To-morrow the city dignitaries of Brooklyn, including the Alderman, Supervisors and Park Commissioners, will celebrate New-Year’s Day by a reunion at the District-Attorney’s office.

Part 5
Trinity Chimes

The chimes at Trinity Church did not attract a very large crowd last night. There seems to be a feeling among Americans that it is best to forget the past, live in the present, and look to the future. As the bells rang out the old year, there were but few to listen to the artistic music. The clear star-lit night made the melody very entrancing to a reflective mind, and as the old year, whose dying song, which seemed to blend harmoniously with the joyous anthems of the new, became a thing of the past, one could fancy that the firmament participated in high hopes of the future and assumed a more glorious aspect.


This might be the mere effects of imagination, in the thought that such an eventful year as 1870, with its holocaust of slain and its wonderful changes in the map of Europe, was dying out in this peaceful land to the music of merrily-peeling bells, while on the bloody-dyed fields of France 1871 may be welcome with the deadly boom of cannon, belching death and destruction.

The Decline of Brooklyn

On the whole, however, it is apparent that New-Year’s Day is fast losing its jolly characteristics and becoming a dreary, formal period of platitude and palaver, instead of a day of innocent mirth, merriment and congratulation, as in the olden time. As an institution the New-Year is slipping away from us fast. Even today the olden customs are so modified as to be scarcely recognizable. And What remains is devoid of spirit – a mere meaningless bacchanalian orgie on the one extreme, or a formal senseless dropping of cards in baskets on the other. It is the New-Year’s Day of the future that we see not the New Year’s Day of the past. — From New York Times January 1, 1871

Note — In 1871 New Year Day fell on a Sunday, thus the public offices and officials observed the holiday on Monday.

                                         

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia