Etiquette, Regrets and the RSVP

This will sound strange, I am certain, but I would like to invite you to  a large party with some very important people. There will be fabulous food and scintillating conversation. Will you be able to attend?"

Imagine you are standing face to face with a friend, coworker, neighbor, relative, in-law, whomever... You invite your him or her to your _____________ (birthday party, wedding, anniversary party, all expense paid vacation to some delightful destination... you fill in the blank). This person can hear you.  This person is not blind, nor mute. However, this person stands speechless there in front of you. In fact, there is no discernible response on his or her face. It gets uncomfortable. 

“Look, Violet, this is getting a bit weird. Whatever our differences, I know you will enjoy this party! It is important to me that you join the family there.”

You restate the invitation, adding, "I really need to know if you can come, as there is ___________________ (a lot of planning involved, a lot of expense involved, a limited guest list, a short amount of time to get your passport and visa in order... you fill in the blank). This person still does not respond. You walk away confused, hurt, angry or ____________ (you fill in the blank). This is exactly what happens when people do not respond to written invitations!

“You haven't had a stroke or something, have you?! I just saw you blink. Will you attend the party, or not?”

When I train new etiquette instructors, I encourage them to somehow incorporate their biggest etiquette pet peeve into their new business' names. My reasoning? It will be a constant reminder of why they embarked on their new careers and it is a great conversation starter. I learned both of these things when I started The R.S.V.P. Institute of Etiquette in 1990. I had always assumed that people were lazy by not responding to RSVP requests, or simply rude by responding that they'd be coming and then not showing up, or vice versa. As it turned out, I found the majority of people are ignorant to the actual meaning of an RSVP request. After starting my business, I became used to queries like, "I can never remember what RSVP means... Am I supposed to call if I'm not going? Or if I am going?" Even cashiers who took business checks from me would often ask (and some still do) similar questions. 

Then there was the mother of twins who invited my daughter to their birthday party. The mother repeatedly asked, "Is there a problem?" each of the 3 times I stated that I was RSVP'ing to the invitation. It was like playing a bizarre round of, "Who's on first?" I finally said, "On the party invitation there is a preprinted 'R.S.V.P.' and you wrote your phone number next to it. Right?" her baffled response, "Yes. Isn't that where my phone number is supposed to go?" Or the times my siblings and I hosted 75th birthday parties for our parents. For both occasions, invitees had 3 ways to respond to them; reply to me at my rsvpinstitute email account, mail the response card (already stamped and addressed to me at The RSVP Institute of Etiquette), or call me at 800-891-RSVP. Yet I still frustratingly had to call several people to ask, "Will you be joining us?"

So with that in mind, here are some wise words and advice from other etiquette enthusiasts on responding to invitations:

     

“When we receive a written invitation, we must answer immediately whether we accept or not, although silence may be considered equivalent to an acceptance. In the latter case, we should give a plausible reason of our declining, and do it with politeness. When the invitation is verbal, we must avoid being urged; for nothing is more foolish and disobliging; we ought either to accept or refuse in a frank and friendly manner, offering some reasonable motive for declining, to which we should not again refer. It is not allowable to be urged, except when we are requested to dine with someone whom we have seen only at the house of a third person, or when we are invited on a visit or other similar occasion. In the former case, if we accept, we should first leave a card in order to open the acquaintance. Having once accepted, we cannot break our engagement, unless for a most urgent cause.” From Elisabeth Celnart's “The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment, Dedicated to the Youth of Both Sexes” 1833

“A well-bred man, receiving an invitation to dine with a friend should reply to it immediately, whether he accepts or declines it.”  From Cecil B. Hartley's “The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness / Being a Complete Guide for a Gentleman's Conduct in all / his Relations Towards Society” 1860 

“The answer to invitations to dine, accepting or declining, should be sent immediately, and are always addressed to the lady. If, after you have accepted an invitation, anything occurs to render it impossible for you to go, the lady should be informed of it immediately. It is a great breach of etiquette not to answer an invitation as soon after it is received as possible, and it is an insult to disappoint when we have promised.” From Arthur Martine's "Martine's Hand-book of Etiquette, and Guide to True Politeness” 1866 

"Balls, evening parties, soirees, receptions, or whatever else they may be called, are entirely arranged and controlled by Fashion and her administrators. The hired master of ceremonies, the upholsterer, the florist, the pastry-cook and confectioner, are, in fact, the dispensers of modern hospitality, if we may be permitted the sacrilegious use of that sacred word in such a connection. 

The ordinary evening parties or balls of our large cities are so much alike, that a dame whisked off, in the old mysterious way of the fairy-books, from one to the other, and set down within the arms of a fresh cavalier, would hardly be conscious of a change even in the pair of mustaches by which her cheek is titillated in the waltz. 

Cards are generally issued from ten days to four weeks before the ball or dancing-party to the various persons on the fashionable list, supplied by a Brown or some other hired undertaker of public ceremonials. This is the usual form of invitation, engraved upon a card or written upon note-paper:"Mrs. A. [or B.] requests the honor [or pleasure] of Mr.T's company on the evening of _____ , at half past eight o'clock. R.S.V.P." 

The hour is more frequently left unmentioned; and, even when specified, the guest is not expected to be punctual. None but the most intimate friends think of going to a formal and fashionable party, where there is to be dancing, before half past nine or ten o'clock, and an invited person may enter with propriety at any hour, however late, during the night. 

Whether an answer's requested or not by the letters R.S.V.P. (repondez, sil vous plait—" answer, if you please"), it must be sent in a day or two, and written in the same formal style as the invitation, the acceptance of which may be thus expressed: "Mr. T. accepts with pleasure the polite invitation of Mrs. A. for the evening of _______ ." 

A refusal should be written as follows: "Mr. T. regrets that he can not accept the polite invitation of Mrs. A. for the evening of ________."When an invitation is accepted, it must be, if possible, faithfully complied with. It is not seldom that an invited person takes an uninvited friend to a ball or evening dancing-party, but he ought not to do so without first asking permission of the giver of it. As he is not likely to be refused, he must hold himself entirely responsible for the character and conduct of his companion, who, previous to and after the party, should send a card.  From "Bazar Book of Decorum" 1870              

Well-bred people do not use R.S.V.P. on dinner invitations. Your guests will have sufficient politeness to reply without having their attention abruptly called to it." From "Mrs. Rorer's New Cook Book" 1898

“As to the use of "R.S.V.P.," or any of the phrases now preferred by many, as, "Please reply;" "The favor of an answer is requested," etc., this may be said: some authorities claim that all invitations should be answered; and that therefore these requests for a reply are a reflection on the good manners of the people invited. But such is not the popular understanding. All invitations that are plainly limited to a certain number of guests, as dinners, card parties, and certain exclusive receptions, should be answered at once, in order that vacancies may be filled. Whether the invitation is accompanied with the request for a reply or not, all thoughtful people will recognize the propriety. But on many occasions where numbers are not necessarily limited, only the hostess can say whether the reply is urgent or not; since it is a question of her personal convenience, the limits of house-room, or some other individual matter. As no one class of entertainments is given always under the same conditions, it is well to allow the hostess to choose whether she will add or omit the request for a reply to her invitations. Meanwhile, the punctilious may reply to every invitation of a strictly social character, and even if the host or hostess did not expect it, such reply can give no offense; whereas, the neglect of a necessary reply might prove very awkward and annoying.”  From Agnes H. Morton's “Etiquette” 1919

Formal Acceptance Or Regret Acceptances or regrets are always written. An engraved form to be filled in is vulgar—nothing could be in worse taste than to flaunt your popularity by announcing that it is impossible to answer your numerous invitations without the time-saving device of a printed blank. If you have a dozen or more invitations a day, if you have a hundred, hire a staff of secretaries if need be, but answer "by hand." From  Emily Post's “Etiquette” 1922

Judith Martin, aka "Miss Manners"

Issuing and Honoring Invitations

"Reply early and win a prize!" this exhortation was reported to Miss Manners by a gentleman of her acquaintance who found it not on the back of a cereal box, but on an otherwise conventionally engraved and worded wedding invitation from respectable friends. Oh. A new social form. A new version of "The favour of a reply is requested" or "Répondez s'il vous plaît" No doubt, it will soon catch on and be abbreviated as "R.e.w.p."

A width of smelling salts soon restored Miss Manners, and she was kindly helped up from the floor and into a chair. When she was feeling quite herself again, she reflected that such is the logical outcome of a situation she has long been following with dismay.

Traditionally, social invitations contained no instructions whatsoever about replying. Common sense and common decency so obviously required allowing party givers to know who would attend that it would have been insulting to point this out. How much humanity does it require to recognize the callousness of friends' ignoring your hospitable overtures? However, it is gotten harder and harder to insult people assuming that they have no manners or consideration, and so the "R.s.v.p." was born -- the discrete reminder in the corner of the invitation yes, we really do care this time.

This conceded that it was not worth the effort to get replies for certain types of parties, and so hosts would concentrate their forces on the important ones. The trade-off was a willingness to pay for wasted cocktail party hors d'oeuvres if they could get a head count for expensive dinners. It wasn't successful, and even more coercion was attempted. The horrible preprinted "R.s.v.p." card, already stamped, was included so that the guest wouldn't be taxed with the job of writing. Telephone numbers were supplied. Then there was "Regrets only," an oddity that puts the host in the amusing position of assuming that everyone who refuses regrets having to do so.

None of these ploys works, as Miss Manners is constantly hearing from desperate hosts. All she can advise them to do is telephone the people they invited and politely state, "We do hope we'll have the pleasure of seeing you next Saturday". Miss Manners' confidence that this would produce shame, or at least results, in the delinquent guests seems to have been unfounded. People who have tried it report that the supposedly cornered guests reply airily, "Well, we'll try to make it."

That bribery is now being attempted in order to force people to answer wedding invitations should not be a surprise. Miss Manners is only waiting to hear about lawsuits in which hosts will attempt to recover from prospective guests the expense of providing for those who refuse to indicate whether they will attend. From "Miss Manners' Guide for the Turn of the Millennium" 1983

Letitia Baldrige
The late Letitia Baldrige once said, ''Entertaining is the most basic part of human communication. It's the way we please each other.'' And when it comes to the RSVPs for entertainments we are invited to, as a society, what we have here is a failure to communicate. 

RSVPs

This is one French expression that just about everyone who has ever gone to a special event knows. In the world of etiquette, it's right up there with 'please' and 'thank you.' 

When An RSVP Is Unnecessary

Formal or informal invitations to cocktail parties or teas don't require an acceptance unless an RSVP is included. For these events, many hostesses may even indicate "regrets only" as a way of keeping a rough head count.
Among close friends, it's fine to call and RSVP to an informal event or holiday gathering. From Kate Spade's "Manners" 2004

"A timely response to an RSVP is vital because the hostess plans the menu around the number of people to serve." From Sue Fox's "Etiquette for Dummies" 2011

Offering timely responses to RSVPs 

The RSVP has always been a request for response, and it still is. An invitation warrants a response, usually by a specific date. When people are planning an event and honor you with an invitation, show the same respect by responding to their invitation. Let people know you received their invitation and either accept it or decline it." From Donna Fisher's "Professional Networking for Dummies" 2011

Contributor Maura Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, since 1990, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette.  She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years. 

      

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Online Etiquette and Security for Teens

It's best not to go online if you are really upset about something. Venting your anger or crushed feelings online can make you a target by others who are not so polite.

Etiquette and cyber security topics that parents should discuss with, and teach their teens:

Refraining from revealing personal information; where they go to school, where they live, revealing  pictures of themselves. Teens need to know that they are not being rude by not answering personal questions from complete strangers, or even people whom they've only met online and consider their "friends."   

It is okay for them to give responses such as, "I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable giving out personal information online." To be rude, would be to respond to personal questions with something like, "That is none of your business." 

Advising them not to give their passwords to friends. A friend today can be a 'frenemy' tomorrow, who now has access to your teen’s account. He or she may pose as your teen and post very hurtful comments for the other friends to read. 

Staying kind to others! It may look like just a screen in front of you, but there's another person on the receiving end. Cyber civility is just the same as face to face civility. If I can’t say that to your face, then I shouldn’t post it either. Those mean comments may be construed as bullying to others 

Discouraging secrecy… remind your teens that social media is very public. They have no control over who actually reads their posts.

Teach them not to hand someone their smartphone to see a photo.  Teach them to hold the phone to allow others to look at it, otherwise the photo can accidently be deleted, or worse, it could purposely be done. If someone hands you their phone to look at a picture, don't scroll through the rest of them. They are none of your business.       

Remind your teens that social media is very public. They have no control over who actually reads their posts. 

Using different usernames and passwords. Many teens use the same username and password for all of their sites. It's not a good idea. If someone figures out your security information, they'll have access to everything on your computer. Set-up different usernames and passwords for maximum protection. 

Encouraging your teens to know their school policy surrounding the use of the computer. Teach them what plagiarism really is. If a university student uses someone else’s ideas as their own even if it’s repackaged, this is stealing and most post-secondary institutions take a very dim of this. Ignorance is not a defense. This goes on their record.

Finally, try to make a plan with your teen to unplug from the gadgets at least one day during the week. Everyone (including Moms and Dads) need to find fun, interesting ways to reconnect again as human beings. Include other families in some of your expeditions so more people can benefit together.

Internet Safety, Teens and Civility

In 2012, McAfee released a survey in the outlining the results of teens and their online behavior The shocking statistic is that 70% of those responded admitted to hiding their online behavior from their parents. This was up from 45% in 2010 when the same survey was conducted. Why the huge jump in figures? According to McAfee spokesman, Robert Siciliano, the two main reasons are the sheer explosion of social media and ad-sponsored pornography that is available. Plus, with smartphones, teens have full access to Internet wherever they are without the parental controls found on their computer at home. 

Some of the tactics used to hide behaviour included:

• Clearing their browser history.

• Closing or minimizing browser windows when parents walked into the room.

• Hiding or deleting instant messages or videos.

• Using another computer in the home that wasn’t screened.

 A large number of parents mentioned trusting their children not to visit inappropriate sites. A quarter of the parents responded said there were no controls at home because of feeling overwhelmed by the technology. However, for the safety of their children online, parents need to become more savvy with these new gadgets & social media.

On a positive note, over 75% of the parents polled do have these conversations with their children. Almost half said that they were using parental controls. Despite the fact that these are American statistics, the numbers probably aren’t that different in Canada either. 

Parents shouldn’t be afraid to be assertive on this issue. These sites are huge time wasters and create an unnatural world for their teens. It increases their lack of empathy and lack of ability to communicate effectively. Ultimately, friendships may be badly affected by posts that hurt. These will all contribute to preventing them from maturing well into adulthood.  

While teens may be more savvy around the Internet than their parents, the bottom line is that they lack the experience and judgement to make wise choices.

The nation-wide survey included 1,004 13-17 year old teens and 1,013 parents conducted from May 4 – 29, 2012 with a margin or error plus or minus 3 percent.

Don't believe everything you read online.

Netiquette tips from teen Katie Diaz: Where would teens be without the use of a computer or smartphone these days? I hate to think about that! We need them for school, socializing, blogging, watching videos, etc... Of course, there must be etiquette rules for them.  These rules are called “Netiquette.”  

Respect for others is the key to politeness, and here are some rules for you and the keyboard:

1. Don't believe everything you read online. 
2. Never use someone else’s computer without permission or read someone else's e-mail without permission. 
3. Never give out information about others while on-line without their permission and never gossip or spread rumors. 
4. If a friend asks for another friend’s e-mail address, tell your friend that you need to check the address first.  Get permission from the second friend and make sure the address is accurate before giving it out. 
5. Never change someone’s files around or snoop in other people’s files if you are using someone else's computer or phone. 
6. When chatting, tweeting, texting, or IM'ing from someone else’s computer, be honest about who you are.  You would want honesty from others, right? 

By Canadian Contributor Maria Doll ~ An etiquette coach, Maria has been conducting personal consultations, workshops, camps and seminars for children, teens and young  
adults since 2009.  Her etiquette program and company Leadership Matters has been featured in print, radio & television media. 



Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Family Etiquette and All It Implies, Pt 2

Yes... You have to come with us! They've been married ten years and you're the anniversary gift. You're the only gift we could find of tin. 

Anniversaries

The observance of family festivals is a great bond of union when there are different ages and temperaments and interests represented in the family circle. In the home holidays, all meet on a common ground, and get once more into touch with each other. Yet the observance of such festivals should never be more elaboratethan the purse will justify, nor should it be allowed to become a burden upon any one, even the most willing. The festive spirit is lost if it becomes obligatory.

The observance of wedding anniversaries is usually an honored custom in the case of happy marriages, where children grow up who take delight in making much of the days which are sacred to their parents. Where this observance is not a matter of form or done with any ulterior motive, but is spontaneous and joyous, it adds much to the family happiness and strengthens the bonds, not only between parents but between parents and children.

It is customary to make gifts of the sort signified in the name of the anniversary, and much ingenuity can be exercised in carrying out the idea. The anniversaries are named as follows:

At the end of the first year comes a cotton wedding; at the end of the second, a paper wedding; the third, a linen wedding; the fifth, a wooden; the tenth, a tin wedding; the fifteenth, a crystal; the twentieth, linen; the twenty-fifth, silver; the thirtieth, pearl; fortieth, ruby; fiftieth, a golden wedding; and the sixtieth, a diamondwedding. These anniversaries may be added to, as by celebrating a leather wedding the third year, instead of two of linen; a woolen one the seventh; and a china one the twelfth.

A birthday anniversary is a momentous event in the life of a child. Disregard of it is a heart-breaking slight. The celebrations of these events, even in families where they are numerous and resources few, can be made joyous if there is love enough to do it, even without money.

The Giving of Presents
      
          

Guess who's coming as Lord Grantham's birthday present? Life holds too much of defeat for the average person, for its minor victories to be passed over in silence and indifference. 

The members of a family who have each other's welfare at heart, often have the impulse to give each other something which they may know is needed or wanted. While this impulse should be cultivated even with the most limited means, and the sense of generosity preserved even among the poorest,—where, to be frank, it is more apt to be found than among the rich,—there should be no counting upon such presents, nor obligation to make them imposed. This destroys their value as expressions of affection, and makes the custom harmful. For that reason it is not well to adhere to times and seasons, but at any time when the right opportunity offers and the impulse moves, give the gift that one desires to give.

Where such an impulse is characteristic of a family, the members will naturally take pride in expressing in that way their appreciation of individual achievement, as when a member graduates from a high school or college, or attains his majority, or makes some special advance in any way. The spirit which welcomes achievement and recognizes it, becomes an incentive, perhaps the strongest there is, and surely the most noble, that of satisfying and pleasing a loved one. Life holds too much of defeat for the average person, for its minor victories to be passed over in silence and indifference.

Intimate Friends

                             

If one holds friends a little lower than one's family, and expends upon them effort to charm second only to the effort habitually given to those whom one loves, then intimacy becomes a privilege. 

One's attitude toward intimate friends is either a pleasant memory or a sad revelation. If one holds them a little lower than one's family, and expends upon them effort to charm second only to the effort habitually given to those whom one loves, then intimacy becomes a privilege, no matter what the circumstances, and alifelong gratification and pleasure. If, however, one considers that intimate friends are entitled to less courtesy than the public, and are to be made to serve one's purpose more effectually than mere acquaintances do, then the burden of friendship is great, and soon dropped.

Affection is not mercenary. One word in regard to the single monopolizing friendship. Many a marriage has been wrecked, and many a mother's friendship turned away, because some one friend, of about one's own age and tastes, of pronounced influence and exorbitant demands, has usurped, at first perhaps unconsciously but ever surely, the place inone's life, and at last in one's heart, that some member of the family should have taken.

Some people seem naturally predisposed to this sort of friendship, and as soon as the intellectual zest is gone from absorbing companionship with one person, they turn to another. One such instance showed through twenty years a series of such friendships on the part of a well-meaning but foolish woman, in which her husband figured briefly, passing on and off the stage as violently as, and even more speedily than, the other "friends." Too great familiarity with new acquaintances is impolite as well as unwise. It cannot fail of seeming forced, and even if the friendship is to be close and permanent, a hastily-laid foundation is never the most secure. One should never call a friend by his Christian name until he requests one to do so.

Illness in the Home

                      

The well should make all wise sacrifices for the sake of the ill…

Illness means that the order of the home life must be seriously disturbed. Consideration for the one who is ill, and effort to alleviate the suffering, should take the place of every other thought and ambition. It is necessary, of course, that the routine of living should be sufficiently preserved for the health of the others not to be affected, but matters of comfort and well-being for all take precedence of everything else.

The well should make all wise sacrifices for the sake of the ill, such as being quiet about the house; never complaining at late or simple meals; setting aside personal plans and comfort in order to assist, if needed, in the care of the ill; looking out for the relief and comfort of the nurse, upon whom the major part of the responsibility rests; never grudging time or money in the effort to restore health; and, above all, making these sacrifices in the spirit of love and not in that of martyrdom.

Many people, who make even unreasonable sacrifices for others in times of emergency, do it so ungraciously, that one does not feel that they are entitledto the thanks which they still actually deserve and should receive.

Courtesy demands that the claims of the nurse and doctor be settled promptly and generously. They were prompt in meeting the emergency. There should be no delay in acknowledging the obligation to them, even though their promptness is looked upon, by them and by society, as part of their professional duty.

The convalescent takes such abnormally keen delight in being remembered, that it is obligatory upon the rest of his family and his friends not to forget him. Kindly messages should be frequent. Trifling gifts frequently are better than large gifts occasionally, unless the large gift is something greatly desired.

One should never fail to offer the easiest and best seat in the room to an invalid, an elderly person, or a lady.

Courtesy to Servants

                        

The servant has every human right to civility... 

It is safe to predict that, if the acumen of the business man, and the courtesy of the social leader and woman of true refinement were brought to bear upon the servant problem, that would soon assume a different aspect.

If the consideration that would be shown an ailing guest were shown an ailing servant, service would be more generously and more faithfully rendered. The waitress at the table is entitled to courtesy, but not to apologetic efforts to diminish her task. Appreciation may be shown in a "Thank you," or, "If you please," but such notice of her should be unobtrusively spoken, soas not to interfere with the general conversation about the table.

The servant has every human right to civility, and the withholding of wages is no more culpable, if more illegal, than is the withholding of civil treatment, and the infliction of the indignity of impatience and harsh and unmerited reproof.

All servants need careful training.Neatness is the first requisite. The lack of it most seriously reflects upon the management of the household. Servants should be trained to answer the door-bell promptly, reply civilly to questions, and in all things represent their master and mistress in a dignified and courteous way. They should not admit one person whocalls socially, and deny another, unless under special and exceptional orders. They should not fail to deliver promptly all notes, messages, and cards which may be received. Verbal messages should be received and given with accuracy.

The direct neglect of orders is unpardonable in an intelligent servant who has been well trained, and will not occur, even in the absence of the mistress, if the training has been explicit and complete and the servant is honorable,—as he should be in order to retain any position. A certain degree of initiative, too, should be cultivated in a servant who is given responsibility, so that he may meet an emergency with resourcefulness, in the absence of orders or specific instructions.The servant needs to respect his master and mistress.

The firm, strong, honest, and just control is respected by servants, and is much preferred to the irresolute one, even when the latter overflows frequently in lax kindness. Each man needs to be made to do his duty, and the power that forces him to do it should be gracious but must be firm.

To be familiar with servants is a fatal mistake, and eventually upsets and destroys all discipline. Servants should never be reproved in the presence of guests, or members of the family, or other servants, but should be talked with singly, and considerately, but plainly. – From Edith Ordway's 1918, "Etiquette of To-Day"

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Eating Corn on the Cob

A cob of corn, or ear of corn, is food that can be eaten with the hands, or a fork. If eaten with a fork, you need to be able to hold the cob still to remove the corn and then use your best table manners with your fork. Many utensils were made for this very type of dining, but that was 100 years ago or more. Nowadays most people simply pick the ear of corn up with their hands and then eat. Above ~ A Silver Plated, Green Corn Scraper C. 1900 

Dining in the Victorian and Edwardian Eras was a popular form of entertainment. Breakfasts, lunches and dinners could last several hours, and entertainment in the form of music, or dancing, was provided in the wealthier homes.  Also in the wealthier homes, one would find a vast array of silver dining implements and utensils at each place setting.  Having the newest designs for the most obscure foods that could be purchased, was a way of exhibiting one upmanship with one's peers.

The designs and patents for utensils and other silver marvels for the table were plentiful.  Some were over-the-top in design, while others were much more utilitarian in nature.  After all, one does need to eat, and if a utensil's design was functional, easy to use and pleasing to the eye, it was a hit with consumers.

Green corn on the cob was very popular in the Victorian Era, and it's popularity continued well into the Edwardian Era and beyond.  The difficulty, as with today's corn on the cob, was in serving the corn, and eating the corn, without looking like a complete buffoon and making a spectacle of oneself in the process.  Below is a list of etiquette tips, along with a sampling of some of the more creative items designed for eating corn.

1877 patent- Green corn scrapers or “strippers” were popular items for those who did not wish to deal with the mess of eating corn off of the cob.

A “Green Corn Fork” also patented in 1877.  This looks much like mango forks of today, and also like corn holders that were popular up until the 1920s,  but with much longer handles.

An 1899 patent for a corn slitter which shows the "teeth" as the Victorian designed corn slitter, or scraper, at the very top of the page does not. The "teeth" scraped the corn off of the cob so that one could eat the kernels with one's fork.

A rare Gorham corn holder from 1901, in the Florentine pattern.  Note the man's face on the end of the handle.

A stunning and highly decorative corn holder or “table article” from 1907

A much more utilitarian looking corn cob holder from 1908

A green corn fork patent applied for in 1907 and granted in 1908.  This fork has teeth!  It may have been functional, but was probably hazardous to the mouth.

A patent for a 1909 “Ear Corn Holder.” Artists were not well paid at the time, and tended to make many mistakes when it came to etiquette.  This woman is shown exhibiting two dining faux pas; eating with her elbow on the table, and her napkin still sits on the table as well.  Kudos to the artist who got the rest positions for the knife and fork almost perfect, but what else was she eating that required either utensil?  Her plate was clean.

An 1899 corn slitter or scraper, a 1921 corn fork, designed with one slightly sharper edge and tines, to not only scrape the corn off of the fork, but to eat the corn as well, and a 1925 patented “Ear Corn Server.”

Another patent for a “Green Corn Fork” but this one is from 1943.

Here is a list of the rules to eat corn on the cob in the most polite way:
     

• Do not butter the entire ear before eating. Butter and/or season only a few rows of corn at a time if you can. 
• Hold the corn firmly by the ends or skewers, or holders with both hands, if it is not too hot. 
• Eat a few rows from left to right at a time.  Do not eat in a circle or ring around the corn. Do this as neatly as you can without making loud sounds. 
• Remember to wipe your mouth with your napkin after setting the cob or ear down. 
• Do not pick at your teeth unless you leave the table.  If you need to remove corn stuck between teeth, do so in private. 
• If you have used butter, please make sure your hands are clean before touching other items on the table, so as not to leave a mark or make a mess.

Contributor Maura Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, for over 30 years, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette.  She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years. 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Family Etiquette and All It Implies, Part 1

Never fail to be punctual at the time appointed, in keeping every engagement. 

The permanence of a courteous manner is the test of its sincerity. If one is polite invariably everywhere but at home, one's politeness is as superficial as a disguise, and as easily penetrated by the discerning.

Unselfish consideration for others meets its sternest discipline in the home and in family relations, and becomes, under that discipline, a reliable guide, instinctively consulted in every emergency.

Without manners at home, it is impossible to preserve the real nobility and unselfishness of character which make a man or a woman socially desirable.

     

The marriage relation has some little etiquette of its own which adds to its happiness. 

Obligations of the Married

The marriage relation, while based upon certain fundamental principles, and not to be preserved without adherence to them, has some little etiquette of its own which adds to its happiness.

The solemnization of marriage is a sacred ceremony and should be observed in a reverent spirit. To partake of its home intimacies for the first time as of a sacrament, and to perpetuate that same spirit on the anniversaries of the day, will do much toward making it a holy and a happy union.

Every marriage should be at least a perfect friendship; so a married couple should observe with each other the same little courtesies that they would observe if still only friends, being as deferential in greeting one another in public, as careful of each other's feelings, and as observant of each other's preferences.

A woman should remember to accept from her husband, as her due and without surprise or awkwardness, the little attentions which she expects and receives in society. A man, also, should expect, and not be disappointed in receiving, the graceful little appreciations and courtesies which the woman of charm extends to the man of achievement in her social circle.

The difference between the appreciations of society and those of the family is mainly that, in society, only the men of mark receive them, while, in the home, every man should receive his due; for there his efforts are known, even though they are not signal enough for society to recognize. As equality is the only basis upon which the authority of the home can happily rest, so a complete union of interests is the only basis for the successful financing of a home.
  
                        

In America, a wife never shares her husband's titles. 

While all the virtues of good management of her household, economy in the expenditure of money, taste in dressing herself and her children, and promptness and charm in fulfilling her social duties are expected of a wife, and should be fulfilled to the best of her ability, there are some minor things which make for happiness which should not be neglected.
Although present together at a function, husband and wife are not paired off together in their entertainment. He takes some other woman out to dinner, and she is escorted by some other man.

The wife who shines socially should remember that her family needs the charm of her presence more than society does, and it should be a daily household quality rather than for use only on state occasions.

The wife should confide in her husband on every matter of importance. She should not trouble him with trivial things, but, if a matter is of concern to her, she should not fail to let him know about it, and get his advice upon it. The cement of love is mutual confidence.

If a wife takes pains to understand her husband, to be his companion, and to do her full duty by him, by her children, and by her home, she cannot fail, under the ordinary circumstances of the American home, of winning happiness and making her husband happy. It is in the lack of desire to understand and love that the real menace to the happiness of the home lies. The deep-hearted and thoughtful people approach nearest the ideal of love.

It is taken for granted that the husband will perform the major duties of his relation, such as being a good citizen, a good business man, and hence a good provider for his family, and that he will in all things seek the mutual happiness of his family and himself.

He must be considerate to his wife if he would keep her love and respect. He should confide his business to her as far as she, in her inexperience, is able to grasp it, and he should teach her the things about it which it is important for her to know. Through his conversation alone she can get the rudiments of a good business training, and she will at least be able to comprehend the changes he may make or the difficulties in which he may find himself, and, seeing their cause, thus be able to sympathize, and not to blame, if reverses come. He should so train her in business ways and methods that, in case of his death or disability, she could attend to the business of his estate, even though she could not, or need not, earn money for the family.

      

The wife who shines socially should remember that her family needs the charm of her presence more than society does, and it should be a daily household quality rather than for use only on state occasions. 

The work of adjusting the labors of each to those of the other, so that there shall be time for recreation and social life together, should be a matter of mutual effort, and should not be dropped until solved to mutual satisfaction. If the members of the family cannot move in the same social circle, and together, a serious breach of family happiness is threatened. There is no marriage license which gives the right to constant harping upon one another's faults. In this, as in all other respects, the rule of friendship should prevail.

A husband should not open his wife's letters, nor should a wife her husband's.

All invitations are sent to a husband and wife jointly, except those for such occasions as a stag dinner, or a luncheon or "shower" to which ladies only are invited. If for any reason either the husband or the wife cannot attend a function, the other also must decline. The exceptions to this rule are those cases where a man or a woman of particular talent moves in a circle the interests of which are not especially enjoyable to the other one of the couple, or where the health of the one precludes the possibility of attendance upon affairs of which the other should not be deprived. Too long or too frequent use of the excuses which cover these exceptions, reflects seriously upon the marital happiness of the pair.

Although present together at a function, husband and wife are not paired off together in their entertainment. He takes some other woman out to dinner, and she is escorted by some other man. 

Even at dances and balls it is not good form for them to dance together too frequently, except at public dances where they are two of a private party of four or six, in which case rotation of partners would bring them together more frequently than if a larger number of their personal friends were present.

In America, a wife never shares her husband's titles.

          

Neither husband nor wife should confide family matters to any one but each other, nor discuss each other with any other person. 

Consultation and advice together on everything which concerns either is one of the privileges as well as the duties of marriage.
To reproach for errors which were made with good motives and the best of judgment available at the time is always unjust. Always to greet and to part from each other with affection is the source of much happiness.

Neither parent should be overambitious. Their personalities make the home, and if they are overworked and crowded with care, the home is not happy. The mother should always remember that home comes first, and should not absent herself from it save at those times and for that length of time when she is really not needed there.

Neither husband nor wife should confide family matters to any one but each other, nor discuss each other with any other person.

Companionship means the willingness to let one's own mood be dominated by another. Therefore, if they would be companionable, a husband and wife should meet each other's moods halfway. For what is lost personally now and then, far more of greater mutual value is obtained; and it is largely by a habit of companionableness that the happiness of the home can be made so satisfying that there can arise no question of its permanence.

To keep one's self up to one's best standard of speech and conduct is necessary, for only thus can the family standard be kept high. An arbitrary disposition in the home ruins the comfort of all. Companionship and mutual authority and helpfulness are the only foundations for a happy home.

General Rules of Conduct
          

If a wife takes pains to understand her husband, she cannot fail under the ordinary circumstances of the American home, of winning happiness and making her husband happy. 

Seek the companionship of the refined and the gentle-mannered if you would be the same. Move in that society in whose ways you are versed and whose rules you practice, if you would be appreciated or met with like courtesy.

Never fail to say kind words to those in distress whom you meet. The kindness, however, must be genuine, and come from the heart, never in stereotyped and hollow phrases.

The courtesy which offers attentions should be met with graciousness in receiving them. Surprise is a sign that one rates one's self lower than did the person who showed the courtesy. Attentions should be warmly accepted, and the gratitude expressed should be of the sort which does not forget.

A woman, when in the presence of the men of the family, should expect that doors will be opened for her, that she will pass through them first, that packages will be carried, and errands run. She should not, however, let these little attentions be paid her by her father or an elderly relative. 

Enter a room filled with people in a dignified manner and with a slight bow to the general company. "We all do stamp our value on ourselves" is true enough, and our private stamp is never more conspicuous than when we confront a roomful of people. If we show modesty but intense self-respect in our bearing, there is no one who will not raise his personal estimate of us no matter what it was.

The head should be well up, the body squarely erect, the chest out. Self-consciousness at such a time is a mistake, if natural, and shows the actual littleness which one is trying by an upright bearing to conceal. One should train one's self until the meeting of people, no matter who they may be, whether singly or in large numbers, is a matter of no particular concern as to deportment. Never enter a room noisily, nor fail to close a door after you, without slamming.

Never take another's seat unless you give it up upon his return. Dignified postures in sitting are marks of respect to yourself and the company you are with. A gentleman does not sit astride a chair, nor with legs spread out, nor a lady with her legs crossed. Never put out your foot, in the street car or elsewhere, or place it where it may trouble others in passing by.

When several people enter a room in a private house where you are sitting, always rise, especially if they are older than you. When an elderly person enters the room alone, it is always a graceful show of deference for all younger than he to rise and remain standing until he is seated.

The greetings of night and morning are due to all members of one's household, and should not be omitted. The one who enters a room where others are assembled gives the salutation first. "Good morning" is the appropriate greeting 'til noon. "Good afternoon" and "Good evening" are the greetings for the later hours of the day. "Good-by" is, however, the common and most acceptable form of farewell.

A woman, when in the presence of the men of the family, should expect that doors will be opened for her, that she will pass through them first, that packages will be carried, and errands run. 

After an evening's entertainment, it is permissible also to say "Good night" instead. "Good day," "Good afternoon," and "Good evening," used in farewell, are provincial.
"I beg pardon," spoken with an inquiring inflection, is much better than simply "What?" when you do not hear what is said. The abruptness of the latter savors of rudeness.

Whispering is not permissible in company, and it is not necessary in private. Therefore, whisper not at all, especially not in a sick-room or in church, where the whisper is far more penetrating than a low, distinct tone.

The calling up or down stairs is inconsiderate, for you attract the attention of two floors of people, as well as publish your message. To carry on a conversation over the banisters is also equally bad. Even a word of inquiry should usually be spoken at short distance in a hall which leads to several rooms, and where many people may hear or be disturbed by the noise. Such calling should never be permitted to servants or children, for once begun its convenience will demand its continuance.

Interrupting another's conversation is a serious breach of courtesy.

Finding fault is a very disturbing feature of home life, no matter how glaring the faults which may be criticised. Faults have to be remedied, but every effort should be made to do it skillfully, and not make the remedy worse than the disease.

Do not open your letters in company, except in case of emergency, and in the latter, ask the permission of the company to do so. Never, under any circumstances, open a private letter addressed to another. If the one to whom it is addressed is near enough to give you permission to open it, he can usually open it himself; if he is not by to give permission, the letter should go to his legal representative, who then acts according to the law.


                 

The close friend and the distant and far less welcome relative are entitled to equal courtesy. 

Politeness as well as pity impel one to be especially polite to the caller or visitor who is uncongenial, or stupid, or unattractive. By even an excess of hospitality one should try to make up for the inevitable slight which society always puts upon such a one.

Impartial courtesy is the right of all guests. The close friend and the distant and far less welcome relative are entitled to equal courtesy.

The holding of a grudge, and the failing to forgive a slight for which apology has been made, are the height of discourtesy. It is invariably true that the same spirit with which you mete out social slights will be shown you in return. Resent each one, whether intentional or a mere oversight, and you will surely crush the spontaneity out of all attentions shown you, and be met only with distrust.

When applied to for a favor, if you intend to grant it, grant it graciously and readily; if you intend to refuse, refuse with equal civility even though firmly. None but the unmannerly will urge a request when the slightest token of refusal has been given.

A gentleman may offer personal service to a lady, if there is need, tying her shoe, or hooking or buttoning her dress, or doing any other little act which she cannot herself do.

In a company of people, it is the height of rudeness to call attention to the form or features or dress of any one present.

In using a handkerchief, always do so unobtrusively. At the dining table it should be used very sparingly.

Better retire than be obnoxious to even the most fastidious.

Never look over the shoulder of any one who is reading or writing, whether in the home, of in a car, or at a concert, or anywhere else.

Do not touch any one in order to arrest his attention, but address him.

To lend a borrowed article is an appropriation of it which is next to stealing, unless one has permission of the owner to do so.

Self-control in excitement of any sort is a most valuable trait. It always makes for comfort of one's self and of others, and often for safety.

Do not pass between two persons who are talking together, if avoidable. If it is not, then apologize.

Never refuse to receive an apology. Courtesy requires, no matter how unforgivable the offense, that an apology should be accepted. Friendship may not be restored, but friendly courtesy should always thereafter be maintained.

Never neglect to perform a commission which a friend intrusted to you. Forgetfulness denotes lack of regard for the friend.

Never fail to be punctual at the time appointed, in keeping every engagement.

To make yourself the hero of your own story, or to speak much of your own performances, denotes deep-seated self-conceit, and may be very distasteful to others, who also have achieved.

        

Never question a child or a servant upon family matters. 

One's social obligations should never be neglected unless one is determined to drop out from one's place entirely. To acknowledge one invitation and not another is surely to be discredited with all.

Never question a child or a servant upon family matters.

Fulfill your promises,—or do not promise.

Deaf persons should be treated with special consideration. Act as though they could hear what is being said, yet without laying the burden of reply upon them, and without permitting it to be conspicuous in any way that they may have lost the drift of the talk. It is well to talk both louder and more expressively when they are present, but always more distinctly, and somewhat more slowly. Never shout at them, or attract their attention by touching them suddenly. This latter is not polite to any one, but the stronger impulse to do it in case of the deaf must be withstood. It is always better to come within the range of their vision before speaking to them. –From Edith Ordway's 1918, "Etiquette of Today"

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia