Brit Manners According to Frenchman

It is not etiquette to blow one’s nose, to spit, to sneeze. What is one to do? Is it etiquette to have a cold?  –Public domain image of Jules Lecompte, French author and wit from the min 19th century.

English Etiquette

Jules Lecompte, a French wit, gives this description of English etiquette: 

• It is not etiquette to blow one's nose, to spit, to sneeze. What is one to do? Is it etiquette to have a cold? 
• It is not etiquette to talk loud, even in Parliament; 
• to walk in the middle of the street; 
• to run to get out of the way of a carriage. You must let yourself be ran over. 
• It is not etiquette to close a letter with a wafer, for then people say that you send them your spittle; or to write without an envelope. 
• Neither is it etiquette to go to the opera with the smallest flower or stripe upon your waistcoat or cravat; 
• or to eat soup twice; 
• or bow first to a lady; 
• or to ride in an omnibus; 
• or to go to an evening party before ten or eleven o'clock, 
• or to a ball before midnight; 
• or to drink beer at dinner without immediately returning the glass to the servant. 
• It is not etiquette not to shave every day, (the majority of Frenchmen, it must be remembered, never wash their face but when they shave, and shave, if at all, but every second day,) 
• or to be hungry, 
• or to offer to drink to a person of high rank, 
• or to be surprised when the ladies leave the table at the dessert. 
• To wear black in the morning or colored clothes in the evening is not etiquette. 
• To address a lady without adding her christian name, 
• to speak to a person to whom you have not been introduced, 
• to knock gently at a door, 
• to have a splash of mud on your boots, no matter how bad the weather, 
• to have copper (penny) in your pocket, 
• to wear your hair cut short, 
• or a grey hat, 
• a silk handkerchief, decoration, a great beard, or even a little one - all this is quite contrary to etiquette. – From the Shasta Courier, 1853

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette: Trifles Proclaim a Gent

If an American young man possessing the average American manhood could have the courteous, deferential manner toward women (I mean all women, old and ugly as well as young and beautiful) that we find in most foreigners whom we meet he would be simply irresistible. For women like brain and brawn as well as manners, but sometimes bad manners can destroy the effect of every other virtue.

WHAT I WOULD TELL A MAN- IF I DARED

Bad Manners Are a Great Handicap

Trifles Proclaim the Gentleman

I CAN’T say that 1 have ever really been in love, but I can say that I have been disillusioned more than once, and the reason therefore - well, it can be traced to the same cause. I have been out for some three seasons and my experience extends to several cities, and includes abroad, one winter.

Ah, that winter abroad! I suppose it was during that time that my eyes were opened to the glaring breaches of etiquette and incongruities of conduct committed daily by our American young men. Mind, I don't say that I prefer any foreigner to our own young men, only their manners.

If an American young man possessing the average American manhood could have the courteous, deferential manner toward women (I mean all women, old and ugly as well as young and beautiful) that we find in most foreigners whom we meet he would be simply irresistible. For women like brain and brawn as well as manners, but sometimes bad manners can destroy the effect of every other virtue.

Not long ago I thought I was really in love with a certain young man who was very attentive. He was quite handsome and I felt highly flattered and pleased-and something more. He danced with me oftener than any one else at balls and cotillons. He sent me flowers and I always managed to be at home when he called. For some time our affairs ran smoothly enough, but one evening we were guests at dinner at the same house and were placed opposite to each other at table. Our affair had not progressed far enough for us to count upon being always placed together.

“Umph! I'm sorry for Hal,” murmured the young man on my right, indicating my friend opposite. “I happen to know that he doesn't like to talk about art, and there he is next to Miss Escher, who can talk of nothing else.” “But at dinner we should fit into our surroundings,” I replied. “I suppose he'll behave as though he adored the subject of art.”

And I watched to see. For one evening I tried to look at my hero with disinterested eyes. I saw him deliberately turn his back upon poor Miss Escher and devote himself to a pretty little thing on his left. While watching him thus through other eyes, as it were, I saw other things which had heretofore escaped me. I saw that his napkin was tucked into his collar, his spoon was in his cup, and his knife and fork reposed on the table with one end on his plate.

The scales began to fall from my eyes, for it is my belief that all these little things proclaim the man and the gentleman. Another time I liked a young man enough to think I was in love with him until one day I saw him use a toothpick is public!

I know all these things seem trivial, but then life is made up of small things, and these trifles are more important to a woman than some of the great things. Impoliteness seems to be a common fault of the young men of today, as the hostesses who suffer inconvenience therefrom can testify. How often do you see one of these young men deny himself the pleasure of a smoke in order to rescue some pining wall flower? How many of them ever make a “party call”?

When you think about it seriously, are we young women so much to blame when we become fascinated with the ways of gentlemen across the water? I firmly believe that if our young men of today were equally as gracious in their manners as their foreign rivals we would seldom hear of an American girl marrying any other than an American man. At present I am saving my smiles for some American of congenial tastes and disposition whose manners will not offend, but he is hard to find. – By a Pretty Girl, for the San Francisco Call, 1909

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette of Visiting Cards

“Yes; it seems to me that one of the most important things is the etiquette of cards. It is strange that a bit of pasteboard means so much, isn't it?”

The Rules Governing the Use of 

Visiting Cards

When, Where, For Whom to Leave Them

"ASK me anything you like," said Mrs. Wright cordially to a friend who had been puzzled over some points of etiquette.

"You are very good to help me," said Mrs. Howe. "After living out of town for some time as I have done one gets out of touch with many things."

"In town or out of town there are always certain accounts to be kept with society," answered Mrs. Wright. "In smaller towns and country neighborhoods the same general duties should be done. I don't mean to call them 'duties' only. They should be pleasures."

"But with my children to think of, I have neglected social duties or pleasures," pleaded Mrs. Howe.

"That is a natural and a frequent excuse," said her friend, "but it is not altogether fair to your husband or yourself to neglect society, and not fair to seem indifferent to your friends. Then you must remember that you have two girls. They should give you a new interest in social life."

"But they are children!" exclaimed the young mother in surprise.

Keep in Touch for the Children

"They will not always be children. They will be grown up before you realize. While they are growing up you must not drift away from social interests or customs. You must stay bright and young for the sake of your husband, children, friends and society in general."

"You are right. I am going to try to follow your example," said Mrs. Howe, gayly. Then she added, "If my girls have as good manners when they grow up as your Rosamond, I shall be happy."

"I did not intend to draw down so much flattery on my head or on Rosamond's," said Mrs. Wright, laughing.

Then she continued confidingly: "Rosamond's coming out this winter has been a joy instead of a task, because I have tried always to keep in touch with society and its ways. A girl's coming out brings up all sorts of matters for discussion, and one needs to be prepared with information."

"I see that you are having a very busy winter," said Mrs. Howe.

"Yes, a busy and delightful winter; and now that you tell me you want my suggestions I shall have another pleasure. Is there not something you want to discuss?"

"Yes; it seems to me that one of the most important things is the etiquette of cards. It is strange that a bit of pasteboard means so much, isn't it?"

The Importance of Cards

"Not when you think that cards help to unite society. We could never pay off our social debts, or even remind people of our existence, without these useful little bits of pasteboard. Cards are very often, too, the expressions of kindliness, sympathy or congratulation. After all, there is a common-sense reason about the use of visiting cards, as in most social matters. Leaving cards is a step toward renewing, friendships, forming or enlarging one's circle of friends. If one does not follow the prescribed rules it is a sure step in the wrong direction."

"How should I let my friends know that I have come back to town to live?" asked Mrs. Howe.

"You should call on all friends and former visiting acquaintances and leave your cards with your new address. In large cities where distances are great and visiting is not easy, many persons simplify matters by having a tea or a series of teas and sending out cards to that effect. This shows one's friends that one remembers them and wishes to see them, and they generally respond by calling on one of the days; but after a prolonged absence it would seem more to call on your list of acquaintances, even though you send out cards later for some special event. Everyone should try to make at least one call during the year on friends and acquaintances."

Before I forget it, please explain what is meant by leaving cards?"

Leaving Cards

"Remember always that a card is a reminder of your call and your address. One leaves a card whether the hostess is at home or not. You may leave a card on the hall table when entering the house or when going away. You may lay a card down unobtrusively on any convenient table. 

If you are told at the front door that Mrs. B is not at home, you may leave your card with the person who opens the door. Of course, one must never under any circumstances give one's card to the person on whom one is calling." "About my husband's cards-what is the custom?" asked Mrs. Howe.

"A man is not supposed to have leisure for making calls. His wife leaves his cards with her own when making a first call of the season and when calling in acknowledgment of invitations. The general rule to remember is that a woman leaves one of her cards for each lady in a family, and one of her husband's cards for each lady and for the man of the household. Yet, here is another point: it is not considered in good taste to leave more than three of one's cards at a house, even where there is a large family. 

For instance, you might be calling on Mrs. B. who has two grown daughters. Her mother lives with her. Three of your cards would include them all, and three of your husband's cards would be plenty. As a general rule, a married man's card is not left for a young girl." "How soon is a call due after an invitation?"

"Within a week after a dinner, a luncheon, a card party, a home wedding, or any evening party. It is obligatory to call whether one accepted or not." "Is it right to call after a tea or reception?" inquired Mrs. Howe.

"No, you do not call after a tea or reception, because your call is made when going to the tea. A hostess sends cards to notify her friends when she will be at home. They may go or not as they please. If they go they leave cards. If they cannot go they send cards by post on the day of the tea, and their duty is done."

At that moment pretty Rosamond came in from a walk. Seeing her mother's friend she hastened forward.

"Oh, Mrs. Howe, I am so glad to see you," she said, as they shook hands. Instead of chattering about herself the girl sat near her mother and showed by her courteous manner that she was interested in their guest,

Presently Mrs. Howe rose to go while saying to her hostess, "This friendly talk has given me new energy and courage. I am determined to try to surmount all difficulties in the social world.

Mrs. Wright and Rosamond rose and shook hands with their guest, and Mrs. Wright accompanied her to the door, saying, "Come to me as often as you wish with problems." – Fresno Bee, 1909

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Napkin History Begins with Children

“… the table napkin, was first used only by children and was adopted by elder members of the family about the middle of the fifteenth century.” – Napkins at first were for children, but it would be centuries before bib clips were created for attaching the squares of cloth around the necks of toddlers.

The Table Napkin

Curiously enough, that article now considered almost indispensable, the table napkin, was first used only by children and was adopted by elder members of the family about the middle of the fifteenth century. In etiquette books of an earlier date than this, among other sage pieces of advice for children, are instructions about wiping their fingers and lips with their napkins. It seems that the tablecloth was long enough to reach the floor and served the grown people in place of napkins. When they did begin to use napkins, they placed them first on the shoulder, then on the left arm and finally tied them about the neck.– Tit Bits, 1902

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette, Candor and Vulnerability

“LOVE is exactly like war in this — that a soldier, though he has escaped three weeks complete on Saturday night may, nevertheless, be shot through his heart on Sunday morning.” — Laurence Sterne

Always Too Young to Boast

“LOVE is exactly like war in this — that a soldier, though he has escaped three weeks complete on Saturday night may, nevertheless, be shot through his heart on Sunday morning.” — Laurence Sterne

Tis not an uncommon thing for those on whom Cupid has spent no arrows to boast that they are invulnerable. They are always too young to make that boast. Too young when the years have bowed their shoulders and powdered their heads. It is no distinction to have escaped.

To be incapable of emotion is so similar to a mummy existence that those who have reached years of maturity and have never been “shot through the heart” have reason to be alarmed about themselves. There is something lacking — sympathy, tenderness, charity, tolerance, hope, faith or the power to dream.

Nothing to Boast Of

Such a one should not boast. It is rather a matter to be regretted and remedied. It indicates a sickness of the most sacred of the emotions. It indicates a lack of ability to love; a coldness that makes love turn away. Neither is it to one's credit to have loved only once.

The heart doesn't die with humiliation at its first mistake. It lives to make another, and another, and that which is sometimes regarded as a “mistake” turns out to be the most beneficial and needful of experiences. The mistake lies in carefully covering one's heart with frost, and then making the boast that it is invulnerable.

There never was a heart so fortified, so watched, so guarded and so closely sentineled that there was not some opening by which love could enter if he chose. Sympathy, pity, pride, vanity, hope, who can say which one will point to a weakness in the fortress?

There is some mode of entry into the hardest heart. If there were not, this would be a dreary place in which to live. So don't boast that time has left your heart whole. Rather regret it, and remedy it while the remedy still lies in your hands. — By Beatrice Fairfax, 1912

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gallant Etiquette: Army vs Navy

“Dueling is distinctly frowned upon by the general staff of the United States army, of which General Bell is chief. A mere bloodless question of preсеdence at the breakfast table in the dining car stirred the excitement between the general and the naval officer. The clarion porter shouted his way through the Pullmans with the happy announcing, ‘First call, for breakfast.’”– 1907 Pullman Dining Car Interior Postcard

ARMY AND NAVY IN SHARP CLASH OVER GALLANTRY

• Army Officer Offers Satisfaction Either Officially or in Unofficial Manner
• Enlivening Episode Occurs on Southbound Train From Portland Yesterday
• Major General J. Franklin Bell, Chief of Staff, Gives Naval Officers Stinging Rebuke
• Lesson in Etiquette as to Precedence at Breakfast in Pullman Diner

ARMY vs. Navy, clashing over gallantry. Major General J. Franklin Bell, chief of staff, U. S. A., rebuking a reputed naval officer for rushing out of turn into a Pullman diner was the elevating lesson in comparative chivalry expounded for the edification of passengers on Southern Pacific train No. 13, southbound from Portland, yesterday morning between Davis and Benicia. The honors went to the fighting man ashore, while the fighting man afloat lowered his lance in token of submission to the teachings that women should first be given places in the diner,

General Bell's pupil in etiquette came to this city and registered at the Hotel Argonaut as "W., C. Read, city." On the train he told General Bell that he was a naval officer, but the naval register contains no such name as "W. C. Read." Perhaps the knight is a raw niddy, graduated from the naval academy since the naval register was published. Read's companion in the episode was E. R. McBlair of Washington, D. C.

Fighting Talk, This

The fact is that when Read was reрrimanded by the general of the army he declared himself to be a naval officer, and General Bell then said, "If you take offense at my action, you know how to get satisfaction from me, officially or unofficially."

The "unofficially", is a pregnant phrase, coming from one fighting man to another. What it might have implied can not be surmised without a shudder. Dueling is distinctly frowned upon by the general staff of the United States army, of which General Bell is chief. A mere bloodless question of preсеdence at the breakfast table in the dining car stirred the excitement between the general and the naval officer. The clarion porter shouted his way through the Pullmans with the happy announcing, "First call, for breakfast."

Out of Their Turn

There was a string of passengers in the passageway leading into the diner. Read and McBlair hustled through, out of order. They paved their way with the announcement that they were not hurrying forward to secure choice seats at the first table they were going into the tourist car to meet two women. So they were graciously permitted to pass on. But when General Bell and the other loiterers in the passageway finally reached the tables they found Read and McBlair seated in comfort.

The gallant General Bell could not stand for the precipitation of the young men. He told them that the two seats they occupied belonged by right to two young women who had long been waiting their turn in line. The young men were conscience smitten. General Bell regarded them with acute displeasure.

Conductor Butts In

Then the Pullman conductor heaved to in the affray between the army and navy. "I'm running this car," he insisted to General Bell, "and I'll attend to these things."

"These two American hogs were trying to grab seats that did not belong to them, and I intend to see that they are not able to do it," replied. General Bell.

"If you interfere any more with the running of this car I will stop the train and put you off," said the conductor.

"That would be very satisfactory to me," said the chief of staff. "I am General Bell, chief of staff of the United States army, and it would please me very much to be put off this train."

The conductor began to apologize. but General Bell stopped him, declaring that he should not be treated with any, more courtesy because he was an officer of the army than if he were a civilian passenger.

No Apology Coming

Read was not calmed by the disclosure of his rebuker's identity. He went to the general. "I heard you make some remark about American hogs," he said. "That does not sound like General Bell. But I'll accept your explanation."

"I want you to understand I am not apologizing." declared General Bell. "I don't consider that I have any apology to make.

McBlair was seen at the St. Francis hotel last evening. "The incident," he said, "was due to a mistake. We went into a forward car to see some ladies. When we returned the head waiter seated us and thoughtlessly we took our places. We did not mean to be seated out of our turn." – San Francisco Call, 1909

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Worship in Church

“If refined social manners are essential in the home, they are equally important in the house of God. So essential are they to a consecrated Christian life that Paul wrote a long epistle to his young lieutenant, Timothy, concerning them. In this letter, wherein are found the words of the text, the great apostle tells how bishops and their wives should act, and also how deacons and deacons’ wives.” – Photo source, Pinterest

BEHAVIOR DURING WORSHIP

Rev. Frank DeWitt Talmage Discourses Upon Manners

Rev. Frank DeWitt Talmage delivered a sermon yesterday upon “Church Manners,” taking his text from Timothy 3:15, “That thou mayest know how thou oughtest to behave thyself in the house of God.” His discourse was a good-natured rebuke to the lack of decorum among worshipers and a plea for certain reasonable etiquette in the church. 

He said in part: “Are you a parent? Have you ever dressed up your little children and sent them forth alone to visit, when they were about ten or twelve years of age? Then you have known the anxieties of a mother or father as to their social behavior.

“Before they go, you say: ‘Now, son, be careful about your manners. When you enter Mrs. So and So’s home take off your hat and place it upon the hall rack. Be careful and don’t handle the vases in the parlor, and don't squirm on your chair. When you are at dinner, be sure and keep your hands off the table, and don't spill the food upon the table cloth, and don't ask for a second helping of anything, or talk with your mouth full. When Mrs. So and So passes you a plate. say “Thank you.” Remember, my boy, that your mother's home is to be judged by your table manners. 

“When that child leaves the house, your mind follows him and stays with him all day long. And oh, the pride that sweeps into the parental heart when, next day, you meet your friend, at whose home your little children dined, and she congratulates you in these words: ‘We had such a lovely children's party yesterday. And Mrs. So and So, I want to tell you how well your children behaved. Your boy was a perfect little gentleman, and your daughter a little lady.’ Ah, such congratulation as that is as a sweet savor to the maternal heart.

“If refined social manners are essential in the home, they are equally important in the house of God. So essential are they to a consecrated Christian life that Paul wrote a long epistle to his young lieutenant, Timothy, concerning them. In this letter, wherein are found the words of the text, the great apostle tells how bishops and their wives should act, and also how deacons and deacons’ wives.

“But today, instead of my showing how our ministers and church officers should behave in the house of God, I would preach a sermon on church manners directly to the pew. I would try to inculcate the reverential spirit with which our congregations should assemble for worship.

“I would try to teach this reverence, because more and more in this irreverent age there is a tendency to look upon church buildings as places fitted for secular enjoyments rather than as sanctuaries consecrated to the presence of Jesus Christ.

“The Lord loveth the gates of Zion more than all the dwellings of Jacob. No man ought to place foot in God’s sanctuary unless he can do it with the solemn feeling of Habakkuk, who declared: ‘The Lord is in his holy temple. let all the earth keep silence before him.’” – Los Angeles Herald, 1905

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Teach Table Manners Early

All the little details of good breeding are then as familiar as the alphabet to one who has been taught that attention to small things is always the effort of intelligent minds toward success. This applies to culture as much as to work, or the study and practice of any accomplishment. –Photo source, Etiquipedia private library

THE CHARM OF GOOD TABLE MANNERS

Simple Courtesies of Living Makes Existence a Pleasure

BEHAVIOR at the table is a trustworthy test in early home training or the neglect of it. If one has been brought up to have careful manners at home, one has them unconsciously elsewhere. All the little details of good breeding are then as familiar as the alphabet to one who has been taught that attention to small things is always the effort of intelligent minds toward success. This applies to culture as much as to work, or the study and practice of any accomplishment.

Parents cannot be too careful in teaching their children all the small details which help to form refinement. Our children who are left much to others, are sure to acquire bad habits, for children are very quick to observe and imitate those with whom they associate.

Early Training Necessary

Mothers who are really interested in the welfare of their children are very watchful over them, correcting their faults gently but firmly, and not excusing bad manners on the plea of childish ignorance, or that these faults may be overlooked now, as children will outgrow them in time. Careless faults soon become fixed habits which are difficult to eradicate, because they are followed almost mechanically, and in later times these habits may stamp the possessor as unrefined and may prove a very serious bar to social success.

 

Meal-time Conversation

A serious fault is to reserve mealtime for the discussion of disagreeable family or business matters which may require settlement, but should discussed elsewhere, otherwise the peace and contentment of the meal is destroyed, for good digestion waits truly on peace and cheerful talk as well as on appetite, and health depends on both.

Using the Napkin

And now to turn to practical suggestions. The correct use of the napkin is to unfold it partly and lay it across the knees, to leave it unfolded on rising from the table, at any formal meal. At home one may fold one’s napkin, but the use of a napkin ring is not now general. When visiting one may fold the napkin, if the hostess does so.

One speaks of “eating” soup, not drinking it. Soup is taken from the side of the spoon, and sticklers on etiquette claim that when taking up the soup im the spoon, the spoon should have movement away from one, not toward one. It is bad form to try to take up the last drop of soup in the soup plate or to tilt the plate.

Disposing of the Fork and Knife

When one has finished, the fork and knife are placed close together in the middle of the plate. Never must a fork or knife rest on the side of the plate or with the handle on the table or tossed together in a slovenly fashion on the plate at the conclusion of a meal. When a plate is passed for a second serving, the rule is to leave the knife and fork on it close together.– San Jose Mercury News, 1909

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Royal Etiquette in Vogue at D.C.

Extravagant floral arrangements and lights decorate the East Room of the White House for the state dinner given by President Theodore Roosevelt, in honor of Prince Henry of Prussia in 1902. – “… An invitation or a summons of any kind to the White House as a command. This, of course, is borrowed from Royalty.”

The custom is being recognized more and more of regarding an invitation or a summons of any kind to the White House as a command. This, of course, is borrowed from Royalty. President McKinley invited Senator Platt, of New York, to the White House near the end of his first term to meet a distinguished company at dinner. Senator Platt did not go. When he was asked why, he pleaded that he had a previous engagement. But so far as known, no person since Mr. Roosevelt has been President, has pleaded any reason other than illness for declining an invitation to dinner or luncheon, and, indeed, there is little doubt that if a plea of a previous engagement were made now the President would resent it. Even the French Ambassador had to call off a dinner on one day's notice because he had been bidden to the White House. – Press Democrat, 1905

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette: “Eating” vs “Drinking” Soup

This soup cup and saucer was for “drinking” turtle soup. – If served in cups it is proper to say that it is “drinking soup,” if served in an ordinary soup plate and carried to the mouth by means of a spoon, it is proper to say that it is “eating soup.” 

Table Talk from Carson City, Nevada  

The serving of salad at a dinner is a matter of taste with the hostess. As a rule the Americans serve salad either immediately before or after the soup, as an appetizer. The French serve the salad with the roast to settle the dinner.

Everything that is taken as food, is as a rule, eaten. Boullion is a clarified soup. and whether one eats or drinks boullion depends upon the manner of serving the same. If served in cups it is proper to say that it is “drinking soup,” if served in an ordinary soup plate and carried to the mouth by means of a spoon, it is proper to say that it is “eating soup.” Generally speaking, when other soups are in question, it is proper to say “eat soup.” In France bouillon is always served at dinner. If served at a luncheon it should be served in cups. Soup should be eaten from the side of the spoon.

The proper way to handle a dinner knife at table is to grasp the handle in the palm of the hand, close the third, fourth and little finger over it, rest the index finger on the back of the blade and use the thumb to steady the blade. – San Francisco Call, 1900

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Physical Etiquette and Fashions

The kangaroo walk is to be very fashionable this coming season. One should be careful in trying it, otherwise one presents a very ridiculous figure. Do not bend the upper body over too far; simply rest the weight of the body on the balls of the feet as far forward as possible, and the kangaroo walk will follow naturally.

EASY LESSONS PHYSICAL CULTURE

This is all that its title implies "An Easy Lesson in Physical Culture." No apparatus is required. Very little time is needed. All you have to do is to keep a few simple rules in mind and then see that you live up to them. Other papers will follow this one, every one of which will aim at common sense and the greatest benefit for the least trouble. These articles have been written by a woman who has made a life study of physical culture, and they are written entirely for women.

〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️

WHAT TO DO

1-Throw the weight of your body on the balls of the feet. 

2-Take long walks in the early morning. 

3-Thrust your chest forward. 

4-Hold your head high. 

5-Breathe deeply.

WHAT NOT TO DO.

1-Don't throw the weight of your body on your heels.

2-Don't let your shoulders droop forward.

3-Don't let streetcars spoil you.

4-Don't carry your head down.

5-Don't slouch.

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THROW away your bottled tonics. Get rid of paints and enamels. Learn to walk. Learn to stand. These two tricks comprise a big part of the secret of "how to be beautiful." You very probably think that you know all about them now, that you always have known, that everybody knows instinctively.

So we all do, likely enough, but we forget. If you carried yourself when standing and walking as you did when you were a wee bit of a youngster you would be a better and a prettier woman to-day. Perhaps you are one of the few women who know how. This is not for you, then, The rest of you, come forward. There is a tip or two that may be worth your while.

The word "better" was not used carelessly. It meant better. For correct standing and walking induce good health and good health induces goodness. You know that yourselves. Don't you always make allowance for the bad temper and unreasonableness of cripples and blind people and invalids on the ground of their ill-heath? You call it an excuse for badness, for cussedness in general you reason, then, to the converse?

Correct standing and walking are valuable as a means of improving one's appearance, besides being conducive to good health. It is surprising how few women stand or walk well. Many go along with a slovenly, slouching gait, their shoulders bent forward, the waist line on a curve and their heads down, thus making a god-forsaken appearance, Not only do they mar an otherwise beautiful figure, but they utterly destroy their vitality.

This is one of the greatest and most common faults to be found the world over. Women frequently appear to lack pride when they assume ungainly positions, but this is often not true at all; they may simply lack muscular vigor of the chest and shoulder muscles, which through disuse are allowed to starve and so weaken. In the end they refuse to do their duty.

There are certain muscles of the back, around and between the shoulders, which if not exercised by holding a proper position of the body and other daily exercise weaken and naturally incline to let the shoulders droop forward. This in a short time gives what we call round shoulders, or a bottle back.

Never resort to the aid of shoulder braces, for they only tend to make matters worse. Exercise the shoulders dally by the use of dumbbells until they become strong enough to keep from drooping. You will be surprised how easily the shoulders will assume their proper position.

Carrying the body properly tends to produce a better mental condition. One is more cheerful and capable of doing better mental work.

Standing improperly is noticeable in its influence on the digestive organs. When the shoulders are held correctly the stomach is held higher and is more free; in this way it more readily performs the work of digestion.

The same with the lungs; the chest being thrust out, the lungs are more free, and one is able to breathe much more deeply. People as a rule do not seem to realize how necessary air is to the lungs, and yet they know they could not live twenty minutes without it. Then if air is of such vast importance, if it is so necessary to life, why not take in all the fresh air we can get?

The failure to breathe properly undoubtedly causes many cases of consumption yearly. If those who have a tendency to lung trouble would take early morning walks in the bracing fresh air, first sipping a glass of very hot water before starting out, and if they would pay a great deal of attention to breathing, inhaling long and deeply through the nostrils, and exhaling slowly through the mouth, and if they would walk with a quick, regular stride, holding the body erect with chest prominent, it is more than probable that in a few months they would forget that they ever thought of lung trouble.

There is no need to rob yourself of needed sleep for this walk; 7 o'clock in the morning is early enough for bracing air. You can walk briskly, for about twenty-five or thirty minutes just before breakfast. If walking is very agreeable to you take an hour's walk, but not as long as that if it tires. Gradually increase the walk. It is too bad that most women do not take more pleasure in this exhilarating exercise. How often they exclaim: "Oh, how I hate to walk! I never walk when I can ride." This accounts for the slovenly gaits so often seen and ridiculed. 

So long as these women think walking so disagreeable they will never know that there is more real, throbbing, pulsating joy in it than in any other exercise. Cultivate your determination and carry yourself past. the period when walking tires. Try walking a short distance at first, and gradually increase until the exercise becomes a pleasure. Here are a few suggestions for walking and standing which any one can follow without special instruction:

Women generally stand and walk with the weight of the body thrown on the heels. This position throws the body backward and makes the abdomen protrude, which is decidedly to be avoided, as it has a tendency to enlarge the abdomen. The weight should rest on the balls of the feet; this throws the body slightly forward. This will seem hard to do at first, but practice will overcome the feeling of tipping forward Do not hold the shoulders back; this gives the appearance of rigidity. Anything that shows effort is incorrect. Simply raise the chest and let the shoulders all naturally, thus giving the chest that appearance of fullness and strength which is so desirable.

Hold the head proudly, which, of course, means high; this gives more fresh air to the lungs, helping them to cast off disease. Always be careful to carry the skirts gracefully; nothing looks quite so untidy as to drag the skirts through the dirt of the streets. It is not only untidy, but it is tempting disease.

Tailors' or dressmakers' best work never shows to advantage on a bad figure; well-hung skirt or finely fitting coat is wasted on the woman who stands or walks improperly. Why? Because standing and walking badly throws the lines of the garment out of their beautiful curves. Proper attention to the attitude is essential in preserving the lines of the figure and giving that desirable combination of good health, style and dignity.

The kangaroo walk is to be very fashionable this coming season. One should be careful in trying it, otherwise one presents a very ridiculous figure. Do not bend the upper body over too far; simply rest the weight of the body on the balls of the feet as far forward as possible, and the kangaroo walk will follow naturally. Lillie Langtry, Leslie Carter and Blanche Walsh rest the weight of the body on the balls of the feet, which accounts for the graceful forward inclination of their figures.

Once more - throw away tonics, and learn to walk and stand.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Kangaroo Walk Explained

The “kangaroo walk” this mode of pedestrianism has already been dubbed by the women who do not admire and adopt it. The sliding and yet plunging manner in which the strides are taken gives to this name a decided character of suitability. But the new walk, however striking and fashionable it may be, will not do for all occasions.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE KANGAROO WALK?

It is queer enough upon the boulevards, but how would it be in a ballroom? And how about wedding processions and figures in the cotillion? Besides, while bearable and in some sort of keeping with heavy, man-tailored, short skirts, stiff-necked dressings, and wide-brimmed felt hats, it could not be considered at all in connection with the trailing gowns, beautifully sweetly feminine hats and bonnets to prevail during the coming season. What then? 

The "woman who walks" is very much in evidence in Los Angeles. But she does not walk at all as have done her predecessors of other pedestrian seasons. A new walk has made its appearance, and now up Spring Street it is rampant, it is by no means unknown upon Main Street. The new walk is as startling as it is unique and — peculiar. 

The walk and carriage of the fashionable woman has been really a thing of beauty for some years past. The most commendable style of walking of late years has been based upon Delsarte principles — head well up, chest out, abdomen held well back, back quite deeply indented. The Delsarte teachers and devotees were responsible for its introduction into America and the" polite world. Once introduced, the Delsarte carriage — being the proper and hygienic pose of the human body into the bargain—became almost universal.    

That it was a healthful and becoming mode of locomotion cannot be doubted. Now comes the new form of pedestrianism. It owes nothing to Delsarte or the physical culture principles. It seems to be based rather upon a desire to see to what lengths the old statement that walking, for human beings is really a series of forward tumbles with accompanying and subsequent recoveries, can be carried without resulting in dire disaster. 

The body and limbs are all held stiffly, the head — the chin particularly — is poked forward in a decidedly ungraceful and unbecoming manner, the back is bent stiffly from the waist, and the arms hang loosely and lifeless. With each forward step— and each step is a long, quick, hurrying stride—the arms swing stiffly out and back again, as though hung on pivots at the shoulders. The eyes are usually directed toward the ground or straight ahead, and the whole appearance is that of a Dutch doll unexepctedly endowed with the power of motion and in a great hurry to get back to the dollshop and exhibit

A clever and merry woman says that she believes the new walk is the direct result of the vain and fruitless efforts which women for so long made to correct and coerce the natural and innate wickedness and depravity of the short walking skirts which have become so indispensable to woman. These skirts, as every woman knows, will "sag" at the back and "hike" up in the front, no matter how good the tailor who fashioned them, how careful, graceful and stylish the wearer, and how expensive the materials from which they were constructed. 

The witty woman who claims to have invented this reason for the new walk, says that it was undoubtedly evolved by some poor feminine who had been driven to desperation and despair, almost to lunacy, by the altogether abominable conduct of a succession of these skirts. Bankrupt, despairing, at her wit's end, she decided to tip forward as she walked, thus bringing the edge of the skirt she was wearing into something like a right line. 

While this explanation of this new walk is not vouched for, it is the only one which has yet appeared, and it certainly bears with it an atmosphere of that "sweet reasonableness" which is conspicuous by its absence from the new walk itself. 

The "kangaroo walk" this mode of pedestrianism has already been dubbed by the women who do not admire and adopt it. The sliding and yet plunging manner in which the strides are taken gives to this name a decided character of suitability. But the new walk, however striking and fashionable it may be, will not do for all occasions. 

It is queer enough upon the boulevards, but how would it be in a ballroom? And how about wedding processions and figures in the cotillion? Besides, while bearable and in some sort of keeping with heavy, man-tailored, short skirts, stiff-necked dressings, and wide-brimmed felt hats, it could not be considered at all in connection with the trailing gowns, beautifully sweetly feminine hats and bonnets to prevail during the coming season. What then? 

Some provision must be made for the girls and women who cannot or will not adopt this style of carriage and locomotion, so still an advantage may be noticed in swelldom at present. The walk, or carriage has been termed, not inaptly the "religious walk." because it goes so well with the gentle, demure and sweetly serious appearance and expression which the fashionable woman cultivates upon certain occasions. 

It "looks lovely," to be appropriately feminine, when entering or leaving church, and it is "just too beautiful for anything" in the case of a wedding procession. The girl who can "do" the "religious walk" charmingly is sure of a certain amount of belledom wherever she may be. And for entering a crowded drawing-room or clubroom, for promenading at the opera, or between dances at a ball, there is nothing like it. 

The Delsarte devotee usually carried something in her hands when she went a-walking. Whatever it was, umbrella, golf stick, pocketbook, roll of music, it was so held as to accentuate the long, slender, straight, and slightly forward-tipping line of the figure. The girl with the kangaroo method of locomotion generally discards umbrellas and "small traps" of every kind. Her hands are usually clinched in decidedly enough. 

The Delsarte girl loved to wear her hat straight on her head, a la the sailor hat so beloved of the dear, impossible Gibson girl. The kangaroo maiden pulls her soft felt almost down to her eyebrows or pushes the round golf cap which replaces it almost back to her crown. The girl with the "religious walk" has taken points from both of them. She has, in fact, seized upon many of their distinguishing chnricteristics and transmuted them to uses of her own—with a difference. The mouth of the Delsarte girl was a delicious thing of sweet curves, modified by a slight degree of determination.- Los Angeles Herald, 1901

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Stemware and Wine

However one chooses to place the stemware, in American, British or most Continental dining, it is always in the order in which each glass will be used, with the first glasses above the tips of the knives, moving out above the spoons, etc…which is the reverse of the order of utensil placement. In French dining, it is the reverse order with the glasses moving from above the knives, toward the left side of the place setting, all along the top of the place setting. This placement is also used in “wine-tasting dinners.”

What Have We Here? — A formal place setting for a multi-course dinner, showing the wines for the different courses.

The wines and courses would be for the chosen menu as follows:

• Champagne with the Appetizer
• Sherry with the Soup
• Rosé with a Pasta with Shellfish
• Champagne with Sorbet
• Red Wine with the Roasted Quail
• Water with the Salad
• Tokay with Asst. Cheese and Fruit
• Cordial with Flambé Dessert

This is just to be used for instructional purposes. One would never see these wines pre-poured in this manner, prior to the different courses being served.

These glasses are clustered above the utensils and to their right, in the order of use, when setting the table. Stemware can also be “spiked” or lined up in a row coming out from above the utensils (gilded age style), above the place setting (in the French manner), or in a triangle pattern.

However one chooses to place the stemware, in American, British or Continental dining, it is always in the order in which each glass will be used, with the first glasses above the tips of the knives, moving out above the spoons, etc…which is the reverse of the order of utensil placement. 

In French dining, it is the reverse order with the glasses moving from above the knives, toward the left side of the place setting, all along the top of the place setting. This placement is also used in “wine-tasting dinners.”

Each previous glass would be removed prior to the next course, except for the water glass and the champagne.

The champagne can be served as the only wine throughout the meal, after the sherry for the soup course, if a host or hostess prefers.

Or champagne, like water, can be left at the setting throughout the meal, along with any other course specific wine which is being served. – Maura J. Graber, The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, 2025

Contributor Maura Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, for over 35 years, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette.  She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years. 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Surprising Reasons for Etiquette Rules

One “ancient courtesy rule is the practice of breaking bread, rather than biting into a whole slice”, as it “was customary to collect table leavings for the poor.”

Centuries-Old Customs Continue To Mold Manners 

Once upon a time knights in armor opened their visors when meeting someone, to determine if they were confronted by friend or enemy. From this stems today's custom of tipping the hat. In medieval days a man walking or riding on the right had the advantage of being able to unsheathe his sword quickly with his right hand. The position of deference is still to the right of the host or hostess.

“Although their practical purpose has vanished, many such etiquette traditions continue today,” says Esther B. Aresty, whose new book, “The Best Behavior,” traces the course of good manners from antiquity to the present. Some customs that have outlived their usefulness, however, have been abandoned, such as the prohibition against cutting salad with a knife. This originated, Mrs. Aresty explains, before the advent of silver or stainless steel blades, when acid in the salad dressing would discolor knives then in use. 

But other regulations laid down centuries ago remain valid to this day, notes the author, who researched hundreds of rare old courtesy and etiquette books. The earliest was “Instructions.” written about 4,000 years ago by the Egyptian Ptahhotep.

“Deference to elders was preached in this ancient papyrus scroll and is one of the oldest rules of civilized mankind,” she points out. “Another ancient courtesy rule is the practice of breaking bread, rather than biting into a whole slice, apparently because it was customary to collect table leavings for the poor. This was even called for in the Talmud.”

Earlier books were general, stressing courtesy and human relationships rather than specific rules, Mrs, Aresty says. At the beginning of the 19th century, etiquette books, while they contained some elements of the courtesy books, became volumes of regulations.

However, Mrs. Aresty thinks that conforming to such regulations is not the basis of good manners. “You can put the forks on the right side and the knives on the left side of the plate you may confuse your guest but all you've done is violate a regulation. But if you sit at the table with curlers in your hair and don't give your guest a chance to talk, then you're guilty of bad manners.

“Anything that offends is bad manners and you can define good manners in just three words: consideration for others.” she states, “Manners are what separates the herds from the leaders, the savages from the civilized.” While admitting that today's fast-paced life necessitates more informality, she contends that elimination of the niceties, especially in the area of man-woman relationships, is a “shattering loss.”

“It's a great pleasure to be a woman and have a man look after you,” declares the author, who confesses, “I'm not a women’s lib gal. Women are emasculating men in this country and women’s lib is delivering the coup de grace.” The trim, well-groomed authority on manners of the past is particularly outspoken in her criticisms of children’s manners of the present. Noting that manners were taught in school around the turn of the century, she adds that it would be a good idea for schools to reintroduce such a program.

“You must teach manners; they're not instinctive. The public school system must become surrogate parents in many ways because children are growing up without parental supervision,” says Mrs. Aresty, the mother of a grown son and daughter. “In this country etiquette writers have always complained about the behavior of children,” she goes on. “The tantrum is an American phenomenon. In Europe you rarely see the squalling cutups that are commonplace here.”

In other ways, too, European and American manners differ, Mrs. Aresty says, though the distinction is blurring with the prevalence of international travel. “There was a long tradition in America of not being fancy and not copying European ways,” she comments. “Although the fork came into use in England in the late 17th century, in America most people shoveled food into their mouths with knives right into the 19th century. Well past the Civil War, readers were still being advised not to put the knife into the mouth when eating.”

Men were the arbiters of manners in Europe, since they had plenty of leisure and social life centered around their needs. Thus they wrote the earlier etiquette volumes; but in America women became the custodians of manners and here they wrote the books. The rules of etiquette change constantly, Mrs. Aresty points out, and what is accepted at one period can be considered wrong at another time.

“A period of primness in language began in the 18th century in England and swept from here to this country,” she relates. “Refinement meant that women at American tables would not ask for a piece of breast when fowl was served. They would say ‘I'll have a slice of bosom.’ Even table legs were known as limbs.”

Other bits of advice have remained constant. For example, Mrs. Eliza Farrar, one of the earliest American etiquette writers, warned a lady never to appear before anyone while wearing curl papers. “There is no more frightful appendage to a woman than they are,” she wrote.

In an article in Harper's Bazaar in the late 19th century, Maude Howe suggested this method for entering society: “Give liberally to charity, go on committees and meet there the educated and well-bred. Keep your eyes open to the way they do things, and soon you are able to play the game.” – By Joy Stilley, New York, 1971

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Humor: Taste vs Manners

  “… on the part of Lincoln it was good manners and good taste to refrain from throwing her out of the window, as in strict justice he should have done. Good taste is largely a matter of experience united to natural abilities. – Public domain image of President Abraham Lincoln

 Taste and Manners…

Sometimes They Are Linked and Are Also Both Bad – Truth Can Often be Humorous

What is the difference between taste and manners? It may be bad manners to knock a man down, but it is not necessarily bad taste. A rich man in Philadelphia gave a reception and issued invitation cards upon which were engraved his picture. This was not bad manners. It was certainly bad taste.

A large, handsome woman once broke into a meeting of President Lincoln's cabinet, interrupting the proceedings. The homely Lincoln, arose and, addressing her, said: “Madam, what do you wish?” She replied: “I came in here to take a look at you.” Lincoln smiled. “Well, madam,” he replied, “in the matter of looking I have a distinct advantage of you.”

That was both bad taste and bad manners on her part, and on the part of Lincoln it was good manners and good taste to refrain from throwing her out of the window, as in strict justice he should have done. Good taste is largely a matter of experience united to natural abilities.

To go up to your father-in-law at your wedding breakfast with a bottle of champagne in your hand and slapping him on the back, calling him “old sport,” is not only bad taste and bad manners, but wretched sense, especially if the old gentleman is worth a million.

To be told that your friend is too busy to see you in his office and then to call him up over the nearest telephone is not necessarily bad taste, but bad manners. The two may go together. but this is not an invarible rule. - Life, 1917

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia