French Wedding Customs and Etiquette

Victorian inspired white gowns, were still popular in Paris, even after WWI

French marriage customs are now well known, so far as they relate to first marriages, but as regards second marriages very little has yet been written. Perhaps these marriages lack the romantic element which in all human affairs is the sauce piquante that "lifts the flavor." This may explain why so little notice is taken of them. There is a decided disposition in France to regard those who marry en secondes noces as hardened sinners or as imbeciles undeserving of sympathy. 

The popular sentiment on the subject is to the effect that a person has only the right to be born once, to marry once and to die once. Those who show a wish to undergo any of these operations twice are suspected of gourmandize. It must be admitted, however, that public opinion respecting second marriages is much more generous with regard to the man than with regard to the woman. There is a social and religious prejudice against the second marriage of women. especially when these have reached middle age and have children.

The religious prejudice was remarkably illustrated a few years ago by Pere Didon who, in the course of the memorable series of sermons that he preached in Paris, and which obtained for him the severe censure of the general of the Dominicans and temporary relegation to a little island in the Mediterranean as his penance, attacked the practice of the second marriage of women with a vehemence that profoundly astonished the congregation, among whom were some people who considered the sermon a grossly personal attack. 

The eloquent Dominican had not done what the Latin proverb advises the discreet cobbler to do he had gone beyond his last. He had no authority to use a pulpit for abusing women who entered for the second time the matrimonial state. The sermon was printed in extenso in some of the papers, and made a prodigious commotion. People asked why the Dominican father was so hard upon women and so lenient toward men. The discussion took a turn that was not exactly theological. Now, although Pere Didon was very imprudent in expressing his opinions so strongly, he nevertheless caught up and put into words a floating religious idea, and one that is by no means of recent date.— Paris Correspondent, Boston Transcript, 1887

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Gilded Age Etiquette of French Kisses

All types of kisses are allowable on the forehead. Men, especially though, would be wise to check which type of kisses are socially allowable in another country from their own.

It is not considered bad form in Paris to kiss a young woman on the forehead, however slight the acquaintance. Etiquette is more rigorous upon the question of kissing in this country. He is favored, indeed, who can kiss a young woman upon the forehead without getting a bang in the mouth. — Hartford Post, 1886

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Etiquette of La Politesse Française

Do not eat in the street, do not smoke a pipe in the street, do not smoke a cigar in the street, if you are walking with a lady – “not even if you happen to be this lady’s husband.”

Lessons in French Politeness

According to the author of “La Politesse Française,” a work recently published in Paris, a gentleman, when he gives his hand to a friend, must press his friend’s hand but not shake it. If he is about to shake hands with a peasant, he must present his hand ungloved, or the peasant will consider himself insulted. If he is about to shake hands with a lady, he must keep his gloves on. When he offers to conduct a lady to the piano, he must, taking her hand, half-close his own. 

In dancing with a lady, he must “not permit himself” to squeeze her hand; and he must, if he wishes to show himself a true gentleman – or, at least, “un véritable gentleman” spend 18,000 francs, or $3,500, a year on his gloves. A gentleman who spent this each a year on his gloves, of various kinds and colors, would probably, if only for the sake of consistency, treat himself every day to at least one new hat. All, however, that we are told on the subject, is that a gentleman’s hat should always be “bright and brilliant.” A gentleman never altogether separates himself from his hat, though it is not etiquette to wear it in a room. In the street, on meeting an equal of his own sex, he takes it off for a moment. Оn meeting a lady, or superior of his own sex, he remains uncovered until he is told to put his hat on. 

Do not eat in the street, do not smoke a pipe in the street, do not smoke a cigar in the street, if you are walking with a lady – “not even if you happen to be this lady’s husband.” It seems odd to tell a gentleman who is supposed to spend $3,500 a year on his gloves not to smoke a pipe in the street, but we have reproduced this caution as we find it. When you bow, bow properly, but not to deeply that your vertebral column will make a right angle with your legs. 

If an officer in uniform salutes you, do not make yourself ridiculous by returning his salute in military fashion. A lawyer will not only think you silly, but will be greatly irritated if, visiting him on a matter of business, you ask him how he is, inquire after the health of his wife, express a hope that the children are all well, and so on. This sort of talk should be reserved for friends whose time is not valuable or who have no right to charge for it. – The New York Times, 1876

 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Japanese Etiquette and Manners

As with the French, the Japanese believe in promoting good manners, social skills and etiquette at an early age.— “Little girls of 10 will one see here, whose finish of breeding would have awakened the envy of a Duchess at the Court of Louis XIV at Versailles. Female servants one will encounter, at a dinner in the house of a Japanese gentleman, whose grace, charm and dignity are the quintessence of lady-like refinement.”— Meme fromThe Free Thought Project.com

Etiquette Has Become Second Nature In the Land of the Mikado

Given a highly imitative people like the Japanese, and let one undeviating standard be set before them. Then, generation after generation, will no change be witnessed. The standard will act like that of the French academy on the language of France. Now, at home, in America, we have 50 standards of manners—the reserved and reticent New England manners, the slap you on the back far western manners, the demagogue’s manners, the drummer’s manners, the cut and dried business man’s manners—these and dozens of others might be specified. And it must be admitted by even the most patriotic, that the man who should try to model his deportment on all these schools at once would come to a somewhat mixed result. Nothing of this bewildering complexity has ever existed in Japan. 

From Mikado at the top to cooly at the bottom of the social scale, one undeviating standard has always prevailed. Originally an importation from China, it has been elaborated through centuries of study of the most elaborate ceremonial etiquette ‘til at last, through constant practice, it has become second nature. No one ever saw anything else, ever dreamed of anything else. There was one way of saluting a superior, one of saluting an equal, one of saluting an inferior, and one’s head would have been cut off had he departed from it. No Japanese child ever saw a drummer—saw only prostrate artisans saluting samurai, samurai saluting daimios, daimios saluting shoguns. The whole ceremonial became organized into them as much as their instinctive habits into our setters and pointers, perhaps the best mannered of our population. 

Little girls of 10 will one see here, whose finish of breeding would have awakened the envy of a Duchess at the Court of Louis XIV at Versailles. Female servants one will encounter at a dinner in the house of a Japanese gentleman whose grace, charm and dignity are the quintessence of lady-like  refinement. “Trifles make perfection, but perfection is no trifle. ” The simple fact is that the young woman of 20 has been doing the thing for a thousand years. — Christian Register, 1894

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Dinner Party Rule of 8 Etiquette

The French born, Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin, gained his fame as an epicure and gastronome and helped found the genre of the gastronomic essay. He made famous the aphorism, “Tell me what you eat, and I'll tell you who you are.” He believed that food defined a nation and wrote of the food in the reign of Louis XV. 

Revived from Brillat Savarin, anent the composition of a dinner-party, restricts the number at table to eight, or to the number divisible by eight, for the reason that as each course must have its own appropriate wine, and as each bottle of wine holds eight glasses, that number is the most convenient. 

Baron Haussmann, Prefect of the Seine, and the master spirit of all the rebuilding going on here, has brought this theory into fashion by adopting it as the rule in the grand dinners he gives at the Hotel de Ville, and at which he takes care that the number of people who sit down to his banquets shall be exactly divisible by eight, one bottle of each course of wine, and one only, being provided for every eight guests.  

Just now, small recherché dinner parties are the prevailing furor. Since the Prefect of the Seine has publicly adopted the “rule of eight” as the measure of the dinner table, that number has become the reigning complement of a dinner table; and as the capacity of wine-bottles is eight glasses, the convenience of the arrangement is causing it to be generally adopted. For a dinner party of eight persons, one bottle of each course of wine suffices; for a party of sixteen, two bottles ; for one of twenty four, three bottles ; and so on. – Daily Alta News, 1865

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and the Royal Breakfast

 The Prince of Wales’ set recently adopted the idea from the French and all London’s rapidly taking up the custom! – No doubt the Americans who have gone to England to help celebrate the Queen's Jubilee will return imbued with the idea that soup for breakfast is the only proper and polite thing. The custom has long been prevalent in France, and is now being introduced in London.

The Prince’s New Breakfast 

The Prince of Wales Has Recently Set the Fashion 

No doubt the Americans who have gone to England to help celebrate the Queen's Jubilee will return imbued with the idea that soup for breakfast is the only proper and polite thing. The custom has long been prevalent in France, and is now being introduced in London. “At all the first-class cafés in Paris,” says a gentleman recently returned from the other side, “the patrons can get soups of various kinds for breakfast, and a great many Parisians sip soup before putting anything more substantial in their stomachs. In London, two months ago, Henry White, the swell secretary of the American legation, invited me to breakfast, and the first thing on the menu was soup. He told me that the Prince of Wales’ set had recently adopted the idea from the French and that all London was rapidly taking up the custom.” 

Mr. White set the pace for Americans over there, and whether or not he entertains all of his countrymen who are flocking to the Queen’s Jubilee, he can introduce enough of them to this new fad to cause the whole outfit to come back home singing its praises. “It is really one of the most sensible gastronomic innovations I can imagine. Soup, when properly made, is both soothing and stimulating. The over-taxed stomach of the average American needs both to be soothed and stimulated the first thing in the morning. Therefore, I look for the soup idea to become immediately popular when it is brought over by our tourists. Doubtless they will invent a name for it, as the fashionable folk of this country are afraid to risk their standing among the gourmets by eating for breakfast a dish with so plain and vulgar a name as ‘soup’.” – Los Angeles Herald, 1897

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A Fateful Breach of Etiquette

Charles Augustin Sainte-Beuve was a literary critic of French literature, but evidently not a student of Tuileries' exacting etiquette.

Under the French Third Republic, Charles Augustin Sainte–Beuve brought disgrace upon himself because at breakfast at the Tuileries, he carelessly opened his napkin and placed it over his two knees. To this, he added the crime of cutting his egg in two, at the middle.

Court etiquette prescribed that the half-folded napkin should be on the left knee, and the top of the egg was to be merely broken with the edge of the spoon and drained with the tip of the spoon. For his failings in these respects, Sainte–Beuve's name was struck off the Imperial visiting list. — London Chronicle, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and French Children

Politeness, with the French, is a matter of education as well as nature. The French child is taught that lesson from the beginning of its existence, and it is made a part of its life.

In an article on the politeness of French children as compared with boys and girls in America, the writer illustrates what he is saying in this way:—

"I was travelling in a compartment with a little French boy of twelve, the age at which American children, as a rule, deserve killing for their rudeness and general disagreeableness. I sat between him and the open window, and he was eating pears. Now most boys in our country of that age would either have dropped the cores upon the floor or tossed them out of the window, without regard to anybody. But this small gentleman, every time, with a 'Permit me, sir,' said in the most pleasant way, rose and came to the window and dropped them out, and then with a 'Thanks, sir,' quietly took his seat.

French children do not take favors as a matter of course and unacknowledged. And when in his seat, if an elderly person came in, he was the very first to rise and offer his place, if it were in the slightest degree more comfortable than another; and the good-nature with which he insisted on the new-comer's taking it was delightful to see."

The writer goes on to say that this was not an exceptional boy, but a fair type of the average French child, and his conduct was a sample of what might be seen anywhere, even among the ragged boys of the street. The reason for this state of things is given in the opening sentences of the article:—

"Politeness, with the French, is a matter of education as well as nature. The French child is taught that lesson from the beginning of its existence, and it is made a part of its life. It is the one thing that is never forgotten, and the lack of it never forgiven.”  – From Edith E. Wiggin's 1884, “Lessons on Manners / For School and Home Use.”

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Etiquette and a French Empress

The Empress loves to amuse herself, and is no doubt often weary enough of the etiquette of the Court, probably thought that her going there would be a diversion.

Rude and Ruder?
An Anecdote of the French Empress

A story with regard to the Empress's visit to one of the minor theatres, is going lhe rounds, according to which her Majesty recently went to the Ambigu-Comique, unexpected, and attended only by one of her ladies. The theatre in question is quite without the pale of the beau monde and is in fact attended by rather a rowdy set of customers. 

The Empress, who dearly loves to amuse herself, and who is no doubt often weary enough of the etiquette of the Court, probably thought that her going there would not only be a diversion for herself, but would also be considered as a compliment by the "small folk" who frequent this theatre. 

But it appears that the "small folk" thought otherwise, and were not at all pleased at so unceremonious an intrusion into their haunts ; and accordingly, when the Empress and her attendant entered their box the whole pit struck up in chorus, "Cordieu! Madame, what are you come to do here?" (being a verse in a song out of a comic play called "The Sieur de Franiboisy" which has been the rage here for some time past, and which all the gamins in Paris have been singing till the rest of the world are sick of it.) 

Whereupon her Majesty, horrified and disconcerted at such a reception, beat an instantaneous retreat, and disappeared, followed by her attendant, without having even taken her seat. 

For the correctness of this story, however, I would not undertake to vouch ; all I can say is that I have it from a respectable young man who declares that he was present on the occasion, and joined in the song.— Paris Correspondence, 1856

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Etiquette for Men

“I had long wished that some capable person should challenge Mrs. “ Madge ” Humphrey on some of her statements in her letters in Truth and The World, or in her little booklets, Manners for Men and Manners for Women...” — One of the first woman journalists in England, C.E. Humphry (1843–1925), often worked under the pseudonym “Madge,” was a well-known writer and Agony Aunt in Victorian-era England who wrote about women’s issues of the day. She wrote, edited and published many works throughout her career and is perhaps best known for originating what was known as the “Lady’s Letter” style column she wrote for the publication “Truth,” which was widely read throughout the British Empire. 

“Madge” Propounds “More Manners for Men” – Rules for Everything, from Marriage to the Color of a Necktie, Are Given with Tabloid Wisdom in Mrs. Humphry's Book of Etiquette

The lady known as “Madge” in London — Truth- her real name, it appears, is Mrs. Humphry— who for years has told people just how to conduct themselves on all conceivable occasions, has written another book called “More Manners for Men.” Her “Manners for Men” was so successful, and provoked so many questions from men continually kept guessing as to whether they were “in right” on the color of neckties or the exact angle of salaams that “Madge” has once more graciously consented to be an authoress.

Right at the very start of her preface she points out one class to whom her new book should appeal in these words: “Marriages of mixed nationalities become more and more frequent. And besides all this, our American cousins visit us, to our great content, in greater numbers every year. Their etiquette differs essentially from ours in many points, and they are naturally desirous to acquaint themselves with ours, just as we should be to acquire a knowledge of theirs while we visiting their own great country.”

Does this bridegroom have pretensions to social position? He's wearing a frock coat in 1904! “In most of these letters I am asked if the frock coat is a necessary item of the bridegroom’s costume. Until the last couple of years I was obliged to reply that this garment was indispensable to any bridegroom with pretensions to social position.”

“Madge” tells us to bear in mind that “the most innately courteous and high minded of morals possesses no inward guide to the knowledge that a letter to the King must be written on thick white note paper, and enclosed in an envelope large enough to take it without being folded. And how could anyone possibly be aware from his or her inner consciousness only, that a Frenchman may eat with his fork, leaving his knife blade sideways on his plate, whereas an Englishman must not do so under penalty of showing himself ignorant of our table customs?”

“I receive a great number of letters from young men in all parts of the world,” remarks “Madge,” “with references to the etiquette of marriage, and containing many questions about the formalities of weddings. In most of these letters I am asked if the frock coat is a necessary item of the bridegroom’s costume. Until the last couple of years I was obliged to reply that this garment was indispensable to any bridegroom with pretensions to social position. Fortunately, however, fashion has now decided that the less ceremonious morning coat may replace the frock. At one of the smartest weddings of recent years the bridegroom, an officer of the First Life Guards, wore a simple gray suit, and had not even a buttonhole.”–The New York Times, 1897

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and "Thinking French"

Manners are a form of human progress; man in the twentieth century has not only reached the moon, he is advanced to the stage where spitting is considered indecent.

“Another treatise on savoir-faire defines manners prettily as the 'fusion of the movements of the mind and the heart.' Manners, it goes on, are a form of human progress; man in the twentieth century has not only reached the moon, he has advanced to the stage where spitting is considered indecent. There have, of course, been regressions, as when Edward VII made eating asparagus with one's fingers fashionable. 

“But politeness is not restricted to table manners. There is, for instance, the politeness of the bed. On his wedding night, the husband should, like *Renan, 'masturbate in the bathroom so as not to pester his bride.' This mixture of the practical and romantic is the mark of a people who have managed to combine the  unashamed celebration of instinct with a multitude of small, complicated observances.”

Victorian asparagus server ~ It was Edward VII who made eating asparagus with one's fingers fashionable. 

“More than the mechanical practice of etiquette, politeness in its highest form is a state of mind, a path to virtue, a philosophical system which teaches how to cushion the rude shocks of life. It permits, in French society, what Henry James calls 'the inarticulate murmur of urbanity.' At its most refined, it is a cross between Confucian politeness based on mastery over oneself and the maieutic system of Plato, in which ideas are brought out through questioning.  It postulates that the oblique is better than the direct. If someone tells you what you already know, appear grateful. Never say 'you misunderstood me,' but 'I explained myself badly.' 

“When someone asks about your health, it is to be told 'I am well, thank you,' and not to be given a medical bulletin. This was Swann's great mistake. Never praise too highly and never condemn outright. Do not say 'de Gaulle's speech was terrible,' but 'too much had been expected of the speech for it to be anything but disappointing.' The goal of conversation is to sustain a high level of urbanity. It is less important to be good or moral or honest than to be well brought up. This is an attempt to salvage order and cohesion in social relations, and it is also protection against intimacy, for it encourages and maintains a minimal distance even between close friends.”

Ernest Renan, French philosopher, historian, and scholar of religion, a leader of the school of critical philosophy in France • 1823 —1892

“The observance of the proprieties forbids the investigation of motives. As Chamfort said: 'I have renounced the friendship of two men; the first because he never spoke to me of himself and the second because he never spoke to me of myself.' This form of courtesy becomes second nature, remembered in the most extreme moments. The Marquis de Montaignac, competing in the first French automobile race, doffed his hat while passing another car near Perigueux, sideswiped it, and landed in a ditch. His dying words: 'I excuse you entirely, you are not to blame, it was I who struck you, please accept my most heartfelt apologies.'

“Modern life seems less and less suited to such exacting standards, and in recent years, France has singled itself out as the country where motorists are most violent to one another. The reverse of politesse is a rudeness that quickly escalates to violence and homicide. The same people who once considered it essential to wear hats so they could doff them, now kill one another over parking space.” — From Sanche de Gramont's, 1969 “The French - Portrait of a People”

*Ernest Renan, French philosopher, historian, and scholar of religion, a leader of the school of critical philosophy in France • 1823 —1892

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Notes on French Etiquette

"Bad table manners, my dear Gigi, have broken up more households than infidelity." ~ Aunt Alicia instructing Gigi on how to properly eat ortolan.

The etiquette in the best old families of France as regards young girls is very strict, says a foreign correspondent, and at 17 they begin to be seen at their mothers’ “at homes,” but at 18 only they make their debut in society, beginning with the opera, Lenten receptions, and what are now generally called “bals blancs.”

The French girl never has any cards of her own; when she is what they call in England “out” her name is written below her mother’s. The letters addressed to her are always delivered first to her parent's hands, who passes them to her opened or unopened, as she thinks fit. 

She wears no jewels beyond one row of pearls around her neck. She rides early before the fashionable hour at the Bois, escorted by her father; her brother may take her out driving, and she is even permitted now to take the reins, a liberty which ten years ago would have stamped her as outrageously fast. French girls of almost any rank, including the bourgeoisie, never walk out alone. They marry young, presumably before 20. —  Marin Journal, 1887

Professional etiquette prevents French judges and judicial officers from riding in omnibuses. — Sausalito News, 1899

"French nobility is touchy!" say the Brits ~ Gabriel Paul Othenin de Cléron , Comte d'Haussoville

Much Bitter Comment Caused by the English Ambassador's Mistake in Precedence

PARIS— Even an ambassador must not tamper with the rules of precedence of the French' nobility, which, since there is no longer a French peerage, are based upon birth and not upon rank. Sir Francis Bertie, the British ambassador, innocently gave serious offense to the Faubourg St. Germain at an embassy dinner party. Among the guests were the Marquis de Ganay and the Comte d'Haussonville.

Thinking of the etiquette of precedence used at home, Sir Francis put the marquis in a more honorable place than the comte and thus committed an unpardonable social solecism. The ambassador's blunder was the subject of much bitter comment in the Faubourg. 

The heinousness of his offense will be at once seen when it is explained that the Marquis de Ganay, though ranking higher than the comte, is a person of yesterday, chiefly notable for his fine racing stable and his friendship with King Edward VII, while the Comte d'Haussonville is the representative of an extremely old and famous family of Lorraine, and is a member of the Academie Francaise.

French Légion d'honneur

An Usher Showed Sculptor or Honor is Worn — Rodin in Quandary on Use of French Decoration 

Paris — Although the decoration of the legion of honor was not conferred. on M. Rodin, the sculptor, by an usher at the Elysee, it was the usher who really placed it on the sculptor and showed him how to wear it. 

M. Rodin is not very, strong on decorations, and had never worn evidence of the honor conferred on him. When he accepted an invitation for dinner at the Elysee this week, some kind friend reminded him that, etiquette required him to wear the insignia of the Legion of Honor. Each friend of whom he asked advice, had a different opinion as to how the plaque was to be worn, so Rodin wrapped it in tissue paper, carried it with him and asked the chief usher to adjust it in the proper place. 

This was done just outside the door of the dining room, much to the horror of assembled guests. —San Francisco Call, 1910

Depiction of Catholic priests blessing a rail engine in Calais, France ~1848

The Frenchmen are easily the politest people in the world, and so the new regulations as to the conduct of railroad servants when the President of the republic is a passenger, will not bear heavily on them.

Every official, from the highest to the lowest, is required to doff his cap and remain bareheaded until the President leaves the station. The station-master alone is permitted to approach the door of the Presidential saloon carriage, and it is ordered that he also shall remain bareheaded while holding it open. These are only a few of the long list of points of etiquette which have taken the form at a ministerial decree. —  The Marin County Tocsin, 1896

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia