Etiquette for House Guests

Putting feet upon furniture can be seen as highly offensive in general, it’s even worse in cultures and countries in which showing the soles of your feet is considered to be worse than just insulting.

Some Privileges are Reserved for Hosts

"Make yourself at home" is a pleasant little remark that can have unpleasant consequences. They arise when a guest interprets the remark too literally. In treating his host's diggings like his own, he breaches etiquette in a dozen ways. Few hosts, for example, appreciate having a guest prop his feet on furniture. Few hosts rest easy when guests sprawl on antiques, perch on table tops or lean back on chair legs.

Few hosts approve of a guest flicking ashes– even inadvertently – on the rug or tossing cigarette butts in the fireplace. Few hosts wax enthusiastic when a guest puts ashes in vases or flowerpots. Few enjoy seeing him snuff out a cigarette in a cup or saucer – a practice that both offends sensibilities and mars china.

Few cotton to mud tracks on the rug (because a guest didn't clean his shoes) or grease stains on the upholstery from a guest's oily hair. A host can do these things with impunity, if not from his wife, at least from other sources. Guests aren't so lucky.

HOSTS, of course, have other rights than property rights. Additionally they are or like to think they are lords and masters of their own household. It's wrong for a guest to usurp this role. He shouldn't, for instance, try to "fix" things in another's home. 

• If he spots a loose chair leg, he shouldn't call for a screw driver; it suggests the host is a slouch for not having fixed it himself.
• He shouldn't voluntarily wind clocks, straighten pictures or adjust thermostats. If he's warm, there are better ways to tell the host than throwing up a window.
• He shouldn't commandeer the telephone, invite friends over, or borrow the host's car without permission.He shouldn't reprove the host's children or order around his servants.He shouldn't monkey with the TV set or arbitrarily substitute Caruso for calypso on the hi-fi. He should reserve even the more subtle hostly rights – such as the right to strew the Sunday papers for the host. Guests, above all, should be tidy. 

Q&A ON P’S & Q'S 

(Q) "When visiting someone, I seldom use the guest towels. 

They're so white and pretty, it seems a pity to soil them. Instead I use the host's towel. Is this wrong?" Н. В. 

(A) It certainly is wrong. Guest towels are not just for show; they are there to be used. Most hosts vastly prefer your using them to wiping your hands on their personal towels. 

By Don Goodwin in “Male Polish,” 1957

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Weighed Over Dieters

“I am sorry to appear inhospitable, but my housekeeper and cook cannot arrange to cater for any guest who is obliged to diet” – The Duchess of Marlborough 

Dieting Fad has Become an Etiquette Trial: Some Physical Culturistes are Nuisances and

Hostesses Grow Weary with the Lack of Manners

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Some Announce Their Servants Cannot Arrange to Cater for Cranky Guests

Special Cable from LONDON— So great a trial has the dieting fad become that a number of well known English and American hostesses here have put their heads together, and have changed etiquette and drawn up a paragraph which is printed and sent out with invitations for week ends or otherwise to country houses. It runs thus: “I am sorry to appear inhospitable, but my housekeeper and cook cannot arrange to cater for any guest who is obliged to diet”

The truth is, for months past, the food faddist and the follower of the simpler life have given no end of trouble in other people's houses, and servants, who are all autocrats in these days, have decided that they won't put up any longer with the one or the other. Were the food faddists all to take the same menus, they might be tolerated, but it involves complications to feed at the same table the carnivorous, graminivorous and frugivorous.

The young Duchess of Marlborough is known among her friends for her extreme good nature, and the story is told against her that recently at Blenheim she had no fewer than nine “cranks” sitting at her table, each of whom had to be supplied with a totally different class of food. One thrived upon a monkey-like repast of nuts and raisins; another devoured Grapenuts and cream, a third swallowed quarts of boiling water with semi-cooked minced beef, a fourth was convinced that death lurked for her in anything which contained starch and sugar. Another, sipped fearful and wonderful concoctions in which vegetables had been stewed, and so on. Is it any wonder that, even the Duchess’ good nature gave way? – The Los Angeles Herald, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Elizabeth Post on Strained Relations

Even Elizabeth Post wasn’t this neurotic over how a table should be set!

Doing the Right Thing: What to say when everything goes wrong

Dear Mrs. Post: How do you word a thank-you note for a visit, when you know you were not welcome? We visited my husband’s brother for the first time. We stayed three days. The two brothers are very close and we have always enjoyed their visits. Our sister-in-law was always prompt in writing us a warm thank-you note. I liked her and thought she liked me. Their home was considerably more impressive than ours, the poor girl was a nervous wreck having us there. Things were quite pleasant, though strained. Our last evening there, I was setting the dinner table I put the forks on the paper napkins, as there was a slight breeze, I didn’t have all of the napkins folded towards the plate. I noticed a frown and asked if I was all wrong. Oh boy, was I wrong! 

She got out her book of Etiquette and read to me. She informed me she wanted her table set properly, and she also wanted her guests to use proper table manners. After a few more words about the neighborhood they live in and the people they are accustomed to associating with, she left the room crying. After a few minutes she came back and everything was fine. When we left the next morning, we sent a plant to their home with a thank-you note. Upon our arrival home we found a thank-you card from her for the plant. An added note said, “we wish we could have made you people more comfortable.” How do I answer this in order to smooth things for the two brothers? Shall I write and rave about her lovely home and exclusive neighborhood (as I know she wants me to)? I know I cannot write a warm, sincere letter. Yet, I am the one that upset her. How do I go about making amends? —Gladys

Dear Gladys: Although you thought that things were “pleasant, though strained.” apparently your sister-in-law didn't. There must have been something more to upset her then Just the way you placed the napkins. If you truly don’t know what it could be, I would write quite frankly and ask her. Do tell her how much you enjoyed her lovely home and hospitality. If the trouble was really caused by your table setting, I feel she is at fault. No unimportant detail is worth such an outburst. Whether one is a pleasant, helpful guest, as you apparently were, is far more important than what fork you need or how you placed the napkin! – By Elizabeth Post, 1968

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1930’s Etiquette Advice

From “Etiquette Circle”
Four Scenes Demonstrate Proper 
Week-end Etiquette

Characters: Robert Rodgers, Mr. Rodgers, Mary Rodgers, Mrs. Rodgers. 

Scene 1. Bob and Mary are seated by the fireside with their mother and father. Bob and Mary have just received an invitation to the beach home of the Carters. 

Bob: Mother, how would you answer the invitation. 
Mother: Bob, you ought to know. 
Bob: I’ve forgotten just how you would reply. Mother, please help me with it. 
Mother: This the answer most commonly used: 

Dear Mrs. Carter, 

We are very glad that we can accept your kind invitation to motor with you to your beach home at Palm Beach on the fifth of July. With many thanks for your kindness in thinking of us.  

Very sincerely, Robert and Mary Rodgers

Mary: Mother, what dresses will I need to take? We will only be there a coupla days. 
Mother: Why Mary! Such language! Don’t you know you should say “two days”! I think one party dress, one afternoon dress and possibly two more would be plenty. 

Scene 2: (The party has just arrived late Friday night. They are eating their luncheon in the dining room. Mr and Mrs. Vanderbilt, Jr., are among the guests present at the beach party.) 

Mary: This cake is awfully good and the icing is delicious. (wrong) This cake is very good and the icing is delicious. (right) 
Bob: This cake is my favorite and the ice cream is very refreshing. (The guests are now on the veranda chatting.) 
Mary: Bob, aren’t you getting tired? It’s nearly 12 o’clock. 
Bob: Come on, Mary, let’s go to our rooms. Curtain. 

Scene 3:  Bob and Mary have received an invitation to a musicale Saturday evening.) Here is the invitation: Saturday, July the sixth. Musicale, eight o’clock, Mr. and Mrs. James Henry Stanley request the pleasure of the company of Robert and Mary Rodgers at a musicale at the Beach Club, 1501 Palm Drive, Palm Beach. (Let’s hear what Mary is going to say to Bob before the concert.) 

Mary: Bob, please don't rattle paper or whisper while anyone is playing. 
Bob: Don’t you wiggle and twist as you usually do. Curtain. 

Scene 4:  Sunday evening Bob and Mary Rodgers arrived home after a pleasant weekend.

Mother: Did you have a good time. I hope you remembered to thank Mr. and Mrs. Carter for the pleasant week-end. 
Bob: We had a very goood time. 
Mary: We remembered to thank Mr. and Mrs. Carter. Bob and I had such a good time. Curtain. – “Ginger and Princess Sandra” for the LaHabra Star News, 1933

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Calling the Detectives

“New times, new customs—and new developments, must be met and settled once and for all. What the books of etiquette might find a ‘best seller’ feature just now, is the final word as to who is the one to engage the private detective.” Adding in some etiquette for being a thoughtful guest and not stealing items from other guests, is also an excellent subject to address!

Who Calls the Detective When Someone Steals from a Member of the Smart Set?

Need, crying need, exists for definite rulings as to points of good form in our richest and smartest circles. Strange, indeed, that there should be hesitation as to what is quite the correct thing under any and all conditions among the socially elect. But, new times, new customs—and new developments, must be met and settled once and for all. What the books of etiquette might find a “best seller” feature just now, is the final word as to who is the one to engage the private detective. 

Now, don't be alarmed, don't be misled. This is nothing scandalous. Jealousy plays no part in this little meditation on the smart set. But when there is a house party. When things—things of value —disappear. When the others of the house party are all friends tried and true. When the servants are all of the family variety. Who, oh, who, should engage the detectives? Those detectives who ask such questions—my dear, you would hardly believe me if I told you the way those men pry into one’s finer affairs. But the consolation is that you sometimes get the things back that are lost. 

Of course, it was easy to arrange matters when the Crocker pearls and the De Sabla diamonds disappeared. Those were both in hotels, and no one felt any sort of bread and salt scruples. In fact, it was a sort of a contest as to which could get the detectives first. But at the home of a girl you went to school with—or whose husband used to be one of your very best friends—what then? Within the 50 mile circle around the city, not so very long ago, a diamond brooch disappeared. They were very gorgeous diamonds and they disappeared very thoroughly over night. It was a small and intimate house party.

When the loss was realized, the hostess said, “Send down detectives at once.” Only what she did say was “private detectives.” That seems to take the curse off the dreadful publicity of such things. The one-time owner of the diamonds said: “I didn't send down a detective. I don't like to do such a thing in any one’s house. It seems such a liberty. Of course, if she had had one herself, I would not have objected, but I couldn't suggest that.” The hostess said: “So strange she wouldn't send down a detective, but if she didn't do it herself, I felt she had some reason, and I couldn't do anything. I would have been more comfortable if it had been thoroughly sifted.” Then again, a sable muff mysteriously evaded its owner at one of these house parties.

It might have been in San Rafael, or perhaps it was Woodside. Anyway, the muff was gone, and it was of Russian sables, that made the heart of womankind like unto water just to gaze upon it. Again, the hesitation as to the sleuths supplied by an agency or the police department. Again, the hostess and the bereaved guest bowed and urged each other. Some one suggested that it be left to the men of the two families involved. Then there would be no hesitation in the matter. Not so, however. In matters of social form American men are prone to let their womenfolk take the initiative. Neither husband would do anything more definite than say, “I leave it to you, my dear.” Will some social authority step forward and settle the matter? It can't be left to the police. They are concerned merely with the transgressions of social observances, and to decide upon the reverse, would be out of their line of action. But who should engage the detectives? – The San Francisco Call, 1913

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia