Guest of Honor Etiquette

The hostess, of course, stands to greet every guest, man or woman. The guest of honor, if a woman, rises on introduction to other women just as the hostess does. However, it is not necessary for her to rise to meet the average guest, except in the case of elderly or very distinguished women or upon introduction to the hostess herself. The guest of honor doesn't arise upon having men introduced to her, unless they are her host, a clergyman or some very elderly or distinguished gentleman.

Etiquette: Guest of Honor Faces Special Social Rules

It is pleasant, of course, to be designated a guest of honor, but the honor should never come as a complete surprise.

A person who has been asked to be a feature speaker at a college, a school or a church knows that he or she will certainly be a guest of honor and is prepared for a certain degree of formality as a result, However, a celebrity who is asked to what he thinks is a simple lunch with friend and finds that without warning she is expected to glow as the guest of honor, may be somewhat put out by the compliment.

At club functions, at private homes, at university teas, there is often no formal receiving line. The guest of honor stands with the hostess while guests are introduced. If all the guests come more or less at the same time, this is a relatively simple procedure. If they filter in, however, and hostess and guests are seated and having tea, what happens as individual guests arrive to be greeted by the hostess?

The hostess, of course, stands to greet every guest, man or woman. The guest of honor, if a woman, rises on introduction to other women just as the hostess does. However, it is not necessary for her to rise to meet the average guest, except in the case of elderly or very distinguished women or upon introduction to the hostess herself. The guest of honor doesn't arise upon having men introduced to her, unless they are her host, a clergyman or some very elderly or distinguished gentleman.

It can readily be seen that it is much more convenient for hostess and guest of honor to stand and drink their tea, so as to avoid considerable rising and sitting.

Properly, one does not leave reception of any kind without bidding farewell to host and hostess and guest of honor – unless one must leave before the receiving line, if any, breaks up. In this latter case just the greeting is sufficient and the guest takes leave of the group with which he finds himself only. Women, by the way, as I have said before, keep their gloves on as they are going down the receiving line. They remove them when partaking of retreshments or smoking.

The guest of honor usually wears a hat at a daytime reception of any kind, but since this costume varies in different communities it is wise for her to ask the hostess what is expected. Amazingly, big cities are much less formal in this respect than some small towns. But even where hats are not worn, gloves are.

The hostess no longer under these circumstances wears a hat in her own home unless, for example, the reception is a wedding reception following a religious ceremony at home. In this case the mother of the bride would wear a hat as part of her costume - at least for a Protestant Episcopal ceremony - just as she would for a home christening or a funeral. — By Amy Vanderbilt, 1955

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Hope Chest and Trousseau Etiquette

What is a Trousseau? – According to Engagement and wedding etiquette by Barbara Wilson, “The trousseau can be directly traced back to the barter-price, purchase-price and dowry systems. It was customary for a bride to come to her husband well-provided with a dowry, so that the man might be compensated for his expenses in caring for the children of his wife’s lineage. In our present time in this country, it is not thought essential that a bride bring to her husband money or land, but she is usually provided with a good supply of personal clothing, household linen, silver, china, etc., although much of this also comes along as wedding presents.” Many young women began collecting various items during their teens that they stored in a “hope” or cedar chest over the years. The trousseau may consist of furniture, silver, china, crystal, linens, kitchen equipment, glassware, cosmetics and anything else a young girl might collect over the years. Parents and relatives contributed to the trousseau, as well.

Girls Start Hope Chests Later Now

When I was a young girl, the “hope chest” was started in a girl's early teens, sometimes even before and kept up until her marriage.

Today, however, girls do not start their hope chests at such an early age, if at all. Instead, when their engagements are announced they begin to collect things for their trousseau.

Sometimes these things go into an official “hope chest,” sometimes they are stored in bureau drawers or closets.

In these days of rapidly changing styles, linens, underthings, all the things usual in the bride's trousseau are not collected years in advance. This does not mean that a cedar chest is no longer useful and many a girl has her heart set on one.

Here is a letter on the subject:

“DEAR MISS VANDERBILT: My sister, who is my daughter's godmother, gave my daughter a hope chest three years ago when she was 10. She is now very disappointed that we have not added to the few pieces in it - crochet trimmed pillow cases and things like that. We decided to ask you if it is worth while starting a hope chest for a 13-year-old girl.”

I don't think it would be wise to start a hope chest for a 13-year–old. What your daughter thinks appropriate at that age may be quite out of date by the time she is married.

Not very long ago, for example, colored bed linens were very expensive. Now they may be had on small budgets. Yes, does a 13-year-old know what color bedroom she and her husband-to-be will want, seven or eight years from now? Maybe they'll be living in a trailer! — Amy Vanderbilt, 1955

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Etiquette of Different Light Wines

 

DEAR MISS VANDERBILT: What exactly is a “light wine?” Are they always white?- From G.F., Dallas, Texas.

Dear G.F., — Light wines have no bubbles, are low in alcohol content (anywhere from 9 per cent to 14 per cent). They may be red, white or rosé. The most popular light French wine is Pouilly Fuisse, a white Burgundy. All of the German Rhine and Moselle wines are light. Rosés, domestic and imported (the Anjou rosé from the Anjou region of France is considered a go-with-everything wine), are especially safe ladies’ choice, served chilled. Rosé should not, in my opinion, be served with strong-flavored foods like curries, which tend to overpower its delicacy.

A light red wine with which you are certainly familiar is sparkling Burgundy which, like rosé, is always served chilled and handled like champagne. Like champagne, it may be served throughout the meal. Many connoisseurs consider the American sparkling Burgundy from good houses superior to those from France.

The very wines that many women consider “light” are not that at all - they are fortified among them are port, Madeira, sherry, angelica. The first three are available in both dry and sweet varieties, the dry suitable as aperitifs with ice, or without ice, but their alcohol content is far higher than that of the light wines. Of course, the highly sugared ones have a higher caloric content. — BY Amy Vanderbilt, 1966

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Egotists and Etiquette

It’s very hard to convince an egocentric through, correction that he should think of others. Clever sign seen in office.

EGOISTS HARD TO CONVINCE

Question: I know a young lady who never says “we” or “ours.” And if speaking to you, she never considers both man and wife. When she mentions her home, she says, “my home.” How can you politely tell someone like this that her husband and friends should be included in a conversation as well as herself?

Answer: It's very hard to convince an egocentric through, correction that he should think of others. Which reminds me of a joke:

A woman complained to her husband that he always referred to everything they mutually owned as his, that the should consider her when speaking of their possessions. The next morning the husband arose, looked agitatedly around the bedroom and said, “Maggie, where are OUR trousers?” 

By Amy Vanderbilt, Etiquette Authority, 1957

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Ordering Etiquette in Restaurants

“It is necessary to know what the main course is going to be before fixing upon the wine. Therefore, do not order wine until the main dish has been chosen by those at the table.”- Amy Vanderbilt 

Q. Dear Miss Vanderbilt: I would like to know if there are any specific rules on the order in which you order various dinner courses in a restaurant. That is, do you order appetizer, salad, main course, vegetable and potato way you would be served or is there a rule of etiquette to govern just how you state your order to the waiter? 

I have been told that the correct way is to order your main (meat) course first, then salad, appetizer and vegetable, but I have been unable to substantiate this is any books of etiquette. I would appreciate your help. -Mrs. E. S., Bridgeville, Pa.

A. You order the appetizer first, then the fish course if any, then the meat course. If separate vegetables are listed on the menu, you indicate which ones you would like. Otherwise, they are served automatically with the meat course. Although you don't order the meat first, you have decided on it before ordering the preliminary course or courses.

Recently there was a symposium for New York prep school boys at the Four Seasons restaurant in New York. They were instructed on how to order. It is important, they were told, that the choice of courses balance with another. You can see what would be wrong with herring with sour cream, followed by cream of asparagus soup, chicken fricassee, salad with Russian dressing and Washington cream pie. 

Also, it is necessary to know what the main course is going to be before fixing upon the wine. Therefore, do not order wine until the main dish has been chosen by those at the table. If you don't know too much about wines, never hesitate to ask the advice of the sommelier, or wine steward. He can't make, intelligent suggestions until he knows what your main course is.– 1965, by United Feature Syndicate, Inc.

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Mid 20th C. Correspondence Etiquette

Amy Vanderbilt was one of the most successful authorities on etiquette of the 20th century. Her books were published in many countries and languages, including the book above in Lithuanian.

Dear Miss Vanderbilt: Have times changed so much that “cordially” is now accepted as good form for the closing of a letter? In a 1938 edition of Emily Post's book I find the following: “Cordially” was coined no doubt to fill this need (an expression to fit sentiment more friendly than “sincerely” and less intimate than “affectionately”) but its condescension puts it in the category of all other offenses of pretentiousness, and in New York at least it is not used by people of best taste.

I continue to receive notes. signed “cordially,” which I do not appreciate. The latest is a thank-you note from a bride, which means a young person is condescending to a much older person. Perhaps a comment in your column would help. D. F., Baltimore

ETIQUETTE changes. I can assure you that in the best New York society the closing. “Cordially” is very frequently seen and is not considered in the least condescending. It is a little more friendly than “Sincerely” and has a little more swing than “Very truly yours” or even “Yours truly.” I use it under almost all circumstances in business and social correspondence, although of course in the latter I use affectionate terms as well.

Dear Miss Vanderbilt: In sending a social letter to a retired Admiral (rear or vice) is it necessary to use the prefix in social address? If you don't know whether an Admiral is vice or rear, is it tactful to give him the higher office (vice) in writing and will just Admiral do for social correspondence?

In listing such officers on club stationery, etc…, do you use the title followed by U.S.N. (Ret.) or merely Ret.? The “Ret.” is not used in the telephone book, but perhaps they don't use the prefix either. G. F., Philadelphia.

IN YOUR first question, it is not necessary to use the prefix in social address. On your second question, use the higher title. For social corre- spondence, Admiral will do without a prefix of any kind. The form to use on your last question is U.S.N. (Ret.). In a telephone listing, although the Ret. is not used, the prefix is. – By Amy Vanderbilt, United Feature Syndicate Inc., 1967

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More Etiquette for 12 Year Olds

Q. Do you think a girl of 12 should go to record hops? The children are from 10 to 16. -K. L., York, Me.
A. If such dances are carefully chaperoned and in acceptable places, I see no objection to a 12-year-old attending with a group. – Amy Vanderbilt

The average 12-year-old is very self-conscious, neither child nor young adult. If a boy, he still may be short and childish in appearance while some of his classmates have begun to shoot a foot or more above him; he is certain he will remain a small boy, that his voice will never change, that girls will never look at him.

The girls, on the other hand, badger their mothers for permission to appear older than their years. They want permanents, longer dresses, lipstick, nylons, high heels and the privileges of their older sisters. When they can't get satisfaction from mothers, they often write me. Here are some letters from 12-year-olds:

Q. Every time my mother buys me clothes I have to take what she wants. I am thankful that she buys my clothes - but I would like to pick them myself! - C. B., Chicago.

A. Stress your gratitude and praise your mother for her good taste. Explain that it has developed yours to the extent that you feel you should have more to say about your clothes so long as you stay within the budget specified. And when you choose your own clothes, make sure you really like them - remember, you have to wear them.

Q. I go to a boy-and-girl dancing party at a high school a block and a half from my home. My mother comes to pick me up, but I would like to walk home with the rest of the kids. We decided to leave this up to you. - M. B., Madison, Wis.

A. The school should have the boys see the girls home in a group. But if your mother knows when you are leaving and is waiting for you, such a short walk should be safe for your group, even without the boys.

Q. Am I old enough to let a boy put his arm around me at a show? - R. L., West Richfield, Ohio.

A. The public display of affection except in very brief fashion is considered vulgar. You are too young under any circumstances to sit this way with a boy.

Q. Do you think a girl of 12 should go to record hops? The children are from 10 to 16. -K. L., York, Me.

A. If such dances are carefully chaperoned and in acceptable places, I see no objection to a 12-year-old attending with a group. – Parade Magazine, 1956

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Etiquette Advice for 12 Year Olds

The girls badger their mothers for permission to appear older than their years. They want permanents, longer dresses, lipstick, nylons, high heels and the privileges of their older sisters…

The average 12-year-old is very self-conscious, neither child nor young adult. If a boy, he still may be short and childish in appearance while some of his classmates have begun to shoot a foot or more above him; he is certain he will remain a small boy, that his voice will never change, that girls will never look at him.

The girls, on the other hand, badger their mothers for permission to appear older than their years. They want permanents, longer dresses, lipstick, nylons, high heels and the privileges of their older sisters. When they can't get satisfaction from mothers, they often write me. Here are some letters from 12-year-olds:

Q. I may be a little young to be worrying about this, but the young ladies of my school just don't seem to like me - especially at dances. I'm neat, and not bad looking. Would you please help me? J. H., Denver, Colo.

A. One of the nice things about being 12 is that you know you will change. You are not physically what you are sure to become in a few years. Socially and intellectually you are bound to improve remarkably. Try worrying less about yourself and work on how to be agreeable to the girls in your class. Avoid looking bored; people like girls and boys who look alive and make them feel alive. And, of course, work hard on your dancing.

Q. I think you're being unfair to us girls of 12. I believe we should be able to wear lip- stick. I wear coral clear; is that all right? K. D., St. Louis.

A. Once you start using lipstick, you don't feel dressed without it. If a 12-year-old's mother breaks down and says a little lipstick is all right for certain occasions, she will shortly be under pressure to allow it perma- nently. Little-girlhood is a precious thing. I do not like to see 12-year-olds aping older girls. – Parade Magazine, 1956

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Professional Titles in Social Situations

Socially a married woman doctor is called “Mrs.” especially if she is married to a man without a title. It just isn't possible to address a couple as “Mr, and Dr. James Smith.” Many people will call your wife “Doctor” in direct address. – The late Amy Vanderbilt’s books are favorites of Etiquipedia. She preached common sense etiquette and manners in a relatable way.    

Dear Miss Vanderbilt: I am married to a woman medical student. In three years she will become an M.D. I have heard that the etiquette rule is that a woman doctor who is married is introduced as "Mrs." I would be proud to introduce my wife as "Doctor" even though I have no title myself. I wish you would set me right on this.— G.V., Baltimore

SOCIALLY a married woman doctor is called "Mrs." especially if she is married to a man without a title. It just isn't possible to address a couple as "Mr, and Dr. James Smith." Many people will call your wife "Doctor" in direct address.

Only when both spouses are doctors is it usual for a married woman doctor to use her title socially and she doesn't necessarily do so then. Such a couple may be addressed either as "The Doctors Jones" or as "Dr. and Mrs. William J. Jones."

In introductions, depending on their preference, they are "The Doctors Jones" or "Dr. and Mrs. Jones."

If you phone them, of course, it is necessary to specify which Dr. Jones you are calling if the wife uses her title socially.– By Amy Vanderbilt, United Feature Syndicate, 1967

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Mid 20th C. Telephone Manners

"Mrs. Smith's residence" is the correct term for a servant to use but not for any member of the family, including a child. Members of the family say, "Hello."

Dear Miss Vanderbilt: Your reply that it is not proper for a child to answer a telephone by saying, "Smith's residence," astounded me. I was raised in a military family. Military etiquette demands that when the head of a household answer a telephone he identify himself by giving his name and rank. If it is necessary for some other member of the family to answer, he must use the phrase, "Colonel Smith's quarters, John speaking." Only a servant answers, "Colonel Smith's quarters."

I would assume that the correct form for a civilian child to use would be, "Mr. Smith's residence, John speaking." But in this age of direct distance dialing, some positive form of identification is required. I feel that "Smith's residence" is infinitely better than "hello." May I have your opinion on this matter?. If "Smith's residence" is not the correct form, what is? —F.L.P., Columbus, Ga.

THE TERM, "Smith's residence," is never correct. "Mrs. Smith's residence" is the correct term for a servant to use but not for any member of the family, including a child. Members of the family say, "Hello."

It is true that in the service it is customary to answer the phone, "Colonel Brown's quarters, Bobby speaking," if it is a child answering, or, "Mrs. Brown speaking" if it is an adult, or (more in past days than today), "Colonel Brown's quarters, the maid speaking." It is true that service families tend to continue this practice in civilian life and for them I see no objection to it.

Some few people follow the custom of saying merely, "Yes?" (which I find disconcerting) or, "Mrs. Smith" which is in my opinion too revealing). The safe "Hello" is the best course for everyone. We should not reveal our names or telephone numbers to strangers calling who do not identify themselves first.– By Amy Vanderbilt, United Feature Syndicate, 1967

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1950s Office Etiquette and Social Rules

“Mopsy” explaining her office etiquette for when the wife of her boss dropped by.  Mopsy was a comic  strip by Gladys Parker, who was said to have created the character after herself and her mop-like head of hair. Parker was one of just a few female cartoonists of her era. The strip's run was over three decades, from its inception in 1937 through the 1960s.  

Q. & A. With Amy Vanderbilt…

Special Social Rules Apply In Business Office Conduct

Does business etiquette differ from social etiquette in regard to a gentleman's treatment of a lady? Yes, in many cases it does.

A subordinate woman employee, for example, usually rises if a top male executive approaches her desk to give her some instructions. She does not do this for her immediate superior, as it would mean she would be jumping up and down all the time. She rises for a superior woman executive, too, under the same circumstances – that is, if her desk is visited by a superior with whom she is not in constant contact. And she rises for an important client or customer of the firm to whom she is introduced, whether male or female.

Following is a question on office etiquette: 

“Dear Miss Vanderbilt: I am a secretary who works for two men. We all work in one office. Is it correct for my bosses to introduce me to an outside visitor? 

Recently we had a visitor from England who spent an afternoon with my bosses. He sat no more than three or four feet away from me I felt embarrassed at not being introduced, particularly when they left the room and I was alone with him. What do you think? -JM, Detroit, Mich.”

You should have been introduced to him. In a case like this, which concerns business, a subordinate woman worker is introduced to a male superior. Socially, of course, a man is always introduced to a woman. – By Amy Vanderbilt, November 1954

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Amy Vanderbilt’s Complete Etiquette 1953

“Women are getting more and more into worthwhile community activities as their home lives are becoming simplified and informal,” she said. “Fifty years ago it was important to have a maid on front door duty for afternoon callers. Now the lady who languished at home waiting for a caller, is much more likely to be found at some meeting of a community organization and doing some good. A little working knowledge of parliamentary law is more useful to her than a briefing on proper conduct during a call.”

A Vanderbilt View of Etiquette

NEW YORK, Jan. 17. That funny noise you hear may be Mrs. Grundy spinning in her final resting place. Amy Vanderbilt, author of the new “The Complete Book of Etiquette,” out in favor of elopements and against debuts. She thinks formal dinners are a lot of nonsense. “Etiquette,” said Miss Vanderbilt with something of a snort, “is an old word for itsy-bitsy manners – where to put your feet, how to hold your hands, how to sit down. For goodness sake, modern furniture is so wide and so big, it’s impossible to sit down like a lady, and most of the time you need help to get back on your feet.”

Miss Vanderbilt has written a five-pound tome which she feels is mainly a guide to modern living. There are chapters devoted to the traditional items such as when to turn down the corner of a calling card, how to address the younger sons of a Duke, and the proper uniform for a chambermaid. But her heart is really in portions devoted to informal entertaining, household budgeting, painless methods of getting rid of obnoxious guests, coping with gossip columnists, applying television makeup, and other problems more likely to vex today’s men and women.

She thinks an elopement is a handy device if the couple is expected to have a big wedding and doesn’t want one. She thinks debuts are silly and tokens of shallow social success. “I feel living has changed so that it’s almost silly to go into such things as the traditional formal dinner for 34 with one butler for each three guests,” she said. “In the first place, where would you find that many butlers?”

Her publishers insisted that people like to read about such things, so she finally gave in. “Etiquette is really a social study of manners.” Miss Vanderbilt continued. “Thorstein Veblen in his theory of the leisure class around 1902, talked of manners as a deliberate advertising of uselessness. He said the upper class women of that day laced themselves into rigid, tight corsets to demonstrate they couldn't possibly do any work. Too many of our manners are outgrowths of this sort of thing."

“Manners,” she continued, “are directly related to economics and sociology. Informality became important in war time. I think we’ll never go back to stereotyped living,” she commented. “It's patently ridiculous to live by the rules laid down by useless people of another century. And if people are foolish enough to maintain a big house for reasons of pure social prestige, they'll just have to keep their help their on eight-hour shifts.”

There are many signs of a change in manners. Miss Vanderbilt spoke of a friend in Washington - where etiquette and protocol is still pretty important - who hires a taxi driver to make the rounds of the embassies dropping the required calling cards. In New York, the men’s clothing store which used to be headquarters for ready made servants’ liveries and uniforms now has ready made “civilian” suits. Servants’ clothes are obtainable only on a custom-tailored basis. 

Important sections of the book are devoted to proper conduct during “public appearances.” “Women are getting more and more into worthwhile community activities as their home lives are becoming simplified and informal,” she said. “Fifty years ago it was important to have a maid on front door duty for afternoon callers. Now the lady who languished at home waiting for a caller, is much more likely to be found at some meeting of a community organization and doing some good. A little working knowledge of parliamentary law is more useful to her than a briefing on proper conduct during a call.”

Miss Vanderbilt - who admits that the magic name she inherited is a good one for an arbiter of manners – says she wrote the book sort of like a detective story. She’s a wife, mother of three, indefatigable hostess and formerly a successful business woman. She wrote most of the rules in these areas out of her own experiences. – By Cynthia Lowry, 1953

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1955 Etiquette Book for Family Living

“Etiquette rules are designed to make life simpler and more pleasant, after all, and life around the house could stand a little of both. Perhaps it is impossible for most husbands to understand everything about their wives.” — Amy Vanderbilt 

Manners for Family Living Told in New Etiquette Book

NEW YORK (UP) People used to refer to etiquette books
when there was a question about forks or formal invitations, but that's the least of a modern book on manners. Husband grouchy when he gets up in the morning? Consult the etiquette book.

Under the heading, “The Agreeable Husband,” Miss Vanderbilt writes that if a man must be grouchy before coffee in the morning, he should be sure the family understands that there is nothing personal about it.

She also lists the following rules for agreeable husbands:

• The agreeable husband conducts himself at the table exactly as if guests were present. 
• He is clean, combed and generally presentable... 
• He should limit his smoking to the end of the meal, using an ash tray instead of dishes as ash receptacles....
• “No well-brought-up husband should ever bring anyone except a most intimate friend home to dinner without sufficient warning to his wife.”

There is also a section on agreeable wives, with emphasis on personal good grooming and tidy habits around the house. “Etiquette rules are designed to make life simpler and more pleasant, after all, and life around the house could stand a little of both. Perhaps it is impossible for most husbands to understand everything about their wives.” — By Elizabeth Toomey, 1955

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Etiquette and Grouchy Husbands

"The agreeable husband conducts himself at the table exactly as if guests were present. He is clean, combed and generally presentable... he should limit his smoking to the end of the meal using an ash tray instead of dishes as ash receptacles....

Husband Grouchy? Consult Amy Vanderbilt's Etiquette Book!

NEW YORK - People used to refer to etiquette books when there was a question about forks or formal invitations, but that's the least of a modern book on manners.

Husband grouchy when he gets up in the morning? Consult the etiquette book.

What to name the baby? Consult the etiquette book. 

Taking a bath in a foreign country? Consult the etiquette book.

Want to write your congressman a nasty letter? That's in there too..

And if you're tempted to write a passionate love letter-well, you might just read one sentence in the etiquette book, to wit: "Love letters are sometimes bombshells." 

Scope Broadened

All those matters, and some 650 pages of other private and personal problems, are dealt with in the latest revised edition of Amy Vanderbilt's complete book of etiquette, recently published by Doubleday.

As high society has ceased having such rigid rules of admittance and behavior, the social experts have broadened their scope to include manners for family occasions.

Under the heading, "The Agreeable Husband," Miss Vanderbilt writes that if a man must be grouchy before coffee in the morning, he should be sure the family understands that there is nothing personal about it. 

She also lists the following rules for agreeable husbands: Clean And Presentable

"The agreeable husband conducts himself at the table exactly as if guests were present. He is clean, combed and generally presentable... he should limit his smoking to the end of the meal using an ash tray instead of dishes as ash receptacles....

"No well-brought-up husband should ever bring anyone except a most intimate friend home to dinner without sufficient warning to his wife."

There is also a section on agreeable wives, with emphasis on personal good grooming and tidy habits around the house.

Etiquette rules are designed to make life simpler and more pleasant, after all, and life around the house could stand a little of both.

"Perhaps it is impossible for most husbands to understand everything about their wives." — The Napa Valley Register, 1955

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Amy Vanderbilt Teen Etiquette, 1956

Q. At 13, is it all right for me to like a boy shorter than I? Am I too young to go steady?… Amy answers! ~ Group of teen boys at Knott’s Berry Farm in California, circa early 1950’s 

— Photo source, Etiquipedia Family Photos 

A large percentage of my mail comes from the sub-teen group I sincerely sympathize with the young girl who suddenly becomes really interested in her future dating possibilities and gets herself into a state of needless anxiety about her personal appearance. Here are three letters from this age group.

Q. I am a 12-year-old girl with three problems: 1) I am overweight and my mother won't let me go to a doctor. 2) Most of my girl friends have clothes that are bought ready- made; I have none. 3) My father won't let me go to school dances.— CT., Baton Rouge, La.

AIn your own opinion you may be overweight because your friends are thinner than you are, but in the eyes of a doctor you may not be. At your age it is considered wise to be 10 pounds over the normal. If you are a lot more than that, you should make a sincere effort to cut down on sweets and starches as well as fats. You need plenty of bone-building protein and calcium.

If clothes that are bought in a store seem so important to you, find some way of earning extra money to acquire them. However, many girls are very beautifully dressed by mothers who sew well — and you may be one.

Give your father time in the matter of dances. He probably thinks that you seem to be growing up too fast.

Q. I am a 12-year-old girl and my mother thinks I am too young to go out on dates in the afternoon. May we have your opinion? — D.S., St. Petersburg, Fla.

A. What other nice girls in your own group do is usually a fairly good criterion of what your parents can safely let you do. But the decision must rest with the parents; they know the circumstances and can judge the company you keep.

Q. At 13, is it all right for me to like a boy shorter than I? Am I too young to go steady? — L.R., Chicago, Ill.

A. Why shouldn't you like a boy shorter than yourself? Yes. 13-year-olds are much too young to go steady. — By Amy Vanderbilt in Parade Magazine, 1956

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Monogramming Silver

An ornate silver pattern handle requires that the monogram either be placed on the back of the flatware or in the functional end of the piece. This rare Versailles sterling pattern caviar spade has the owners’ last name’s first initial prominently in the functional end above.– Whether or not she is to receive her flat silver all at once or purchase it a setting at a time, the bride should choose her pattern and monogram as soon as her invitations are out, so friends who wish to give her silver may match their gifts. 

The bride's family usually gives her her flat silver, and the groom's family gives the silver tea service as a wedding gift.

If having a silver tea service will create a storage problem in small quarters where it can’t be on display, the groom's family might better give a china service or, perhaps, broadloom if that is a paramount need of a young couple on a slender budget. It is nicer, of course, for both families to give enduring things such as silver or fine china, but many young couples would prefer checks to use only in part to start purchases of silver or fine china on a budget basis, adding to their stock as their living quarters and their social activities grow.

Whether or not she is to receive her flat silver all at once or purchase it a setting at a time, the bride should choose her pattern and monogram as soon as her invitations are out, so friends who wish to give her silver may match their gifts. She may register her silver pattern and that of her china and glass at shops from which it will probably come. This will be of much help to her friends. Silver serving dishes and platters don't necessarily match the flat silver but should be in a harmonizing style. Loveliest are the old Sheffield platters and serving dishes, plated of course on copper, but there are many modern pieces in sterling or, more usual, plate, in a variety of classic patterns that complement flatware.

If it is out of the question for a bride to have even a starter set of sterling, a fine quality of plate in a simple pattern will do. But, given a choice between a complete set of even the best plate and a four-place setting of sterling, the wise bride will chose the sterling, adding to it on anniversaries and other gift-giving times. Sterling is a permanent investment requiring no upkeep or replacement. It always has a company complexion and will be just as acceptable and beautiful twenty or thirty years after the wedding.

Styles in silver are fairly stable. Heavy embossed or repousse silver, which is hard to clean, is better avoided for the simpler, more modern, patterns. But if you have inherited heavy, heavily-decorated silver, it is heartening to know that you can still add to your set, as the great silver- smiths still produce for these familiar open-stock patterns. And often you can pick up extra forks, spoons, and knives at auctions or old silver shops. In fact, a friend of mine, with no family to give her silver and a slim budget on which to start, deliberately chose one of the lovely, decorative old pat- terns, buying it secondhand, and from time to time picks up six spoons or a dozen salad forks in antique shops and elsewhere at half the price they would be new from the silversmiths that have been making them for a century. And, as with all fine sterling, their beauty increases with use and the years.

A dozen of everything in all-sterling flatware is ideal, but a young bride can do very well with four- or six-place settings consisting of dinner knife, dinner fork, salad fork, butter knife, teaspoon, and dessert spoon. The teaspoon will be used for consommé and cream soup, for desserts in small. containers, for grapefruit or fruit cup, as well as for tea or coffee. The dessert spoon will do for soups in soup plates and for desserts served on flat plates. She will need two tablespoons and two extra dinner forks to serve with, a carving set, a cake knife and, of course, after-dinner coffee spoons.

If her budget is limited she should avoid purchasing flat silver that is. teaspoon will be used for consommé and cream soup, for desserts in small containers, for grapefruit or fruit cup, as well as for tea or coffee. The dessert spoon will do for soups in soup plates and for desserts served on flat plates. She will need two tablespoons and two extra dinner forks to serve with, a carving set, a cake knife and, of course, after-dinner coffee spoons.

If her budget is limited she should avoid purchasing flat silver that is used only occasionally fruit knives and forks, oyster forks, ice-tea spoons, fish forks and knives, cheese scoops, and the like. If ancestral silver is to be used, it is probable that some of these things will be missing anyhow and substitutes will have to be found.

A word of warning to the bride who rejects offers of sterling silver when she marries in favor of household furnishings she feels she needs more. If you don't get your sterling now, you may never get it. Once a family starts growing, its constant needs too often absorb funds we thought would be available for something so basic as sterling. So we “make-do” over the years with ill-assorted cutlery, deceptively inexpensive because it wears. out. Then come the important little dinners, as a young husband gets up in the world. We push a chair over a hole in the living room rug, put a cushion under the pillow of the sofa with a sagging spring, and distract the guests' attention from the picture-less walls by charming flower arrangements. But there is nothing that can be done about the shabby flatware, which, somehow, is still with us, even though it was bought just to tide us through the first year in the tiny apartment. But then, of course, the baby came.

Never again in her lifetime will a girl find her family and friends in such a giving and sentimental mood as they are at the time of her wedding. At no other time will it occur, very probably, to any of them to give her so much as a silver ash tray. But at the propitious moment they think of sterling silver as the gift for the bride as part of her dowry as it should be. So, though she starts married life without as much as a roasting pan, she should be able to lay her table if it's only a bridge table with the kind of silver she'll be proud to see on whatever table the future has in store for her.

Right from the start, it is the wife's task to set the tone of the family's living. And one's everyday living should differ very little from that presented to guests. We are all strongly influenced by things around us. What family doesn't deserve the sight of an attractively set dinner table, even when guests aren't present?

Should gifts of silver be monogrammed? The bride should decide how she wishes her silver marked, then, if it is given her in a complete set, it arrives already monogrammed. If friends give her flat silver from a chosen pattern, it is better to send it unmonogrammed, in case she receives many duplicates. Hollow ware and trays should be sent unmonogrammed to make them exchangeable.  – From The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette, 1952

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Amy Vanderbilt on Monogram Etiquette

This server is monogrammed with a single, elegant initial for a last name – “After she was married, or if her husband’s family presented silver, that silver was marked with her married initials or the single initial of the new family or with her husband’s crest. This meant differently marked silver used on the same table. And while this is very usual, especially when we have inherited silver, many brides prefer unity in monogramming. The bride often has her silver marked with her new initials, or the single initial of her new name or with her husband’s crest, if they both wish.”

How should silver be marked? In hope chest days a girl began collecting her silver piece by piece, long before a knight even appeared over the horizon. It was monogrammed with her maiden initials or the single letter of her last name or with her family’s crest, and it remained her personal property. After she was married, or if her husband’s family presented silver, that silver was marked with her married initials or the single initial of the new family or with her husband's crest. This meant differently marked silver used on the same table. And while this is very usual, especially when horizon. It was monogrammed with her maiden initials or the single letter of her last name or with her family’s crest, and it remained her personal property. 

After she was married, or if her husband’s family presented silver, that silver was marked with her married initials or the single initial of the new family or with her husband’s crest. This meant differently marked silver used on the same table. And while this is very usual, especially when we have inherited silver, many brides prefer unity in monogramming. The bride often has her silver marked with her new initials, or the single initial of her new name or with her husband’s crest, if they both wish.

Ornate initialing or monogramming has given way to simple markings, usually suggested by the jeweler as being in harmony with the design of the silver. Sometimes triangles or inverted triangles are used, with the bride's initials or her first initial and the groom's combined with his last initial. This may be: 

N (his last name), 

JP (their two first initials) or

J F triangle or with her first two initials at the base). 

G (her maiden initials in an inverted JP (their two first initials)  

or 

J F G (her maiden initials in an inverted triangle or with her first two initials at the base). 

– From The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette, 1952

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Amy Vanderbilt on 1955 Teen Etiquette

Barbershop poster featuring the latest in haircuts for teen-aged boys and young men from the mid-1950’s– Q. I am a girl almost 14. My parents have reason (they think) to believe that I am turning bad. I like boys, but what girl doesn't? At what age is it proper for girls to go in cars with good boys? At what age is it permissible to smoke?

Teen-Age Topics

Many parents find it difficult to answer their children when they ask about sex either because their own knowledge is faulty or because their own questions to their parents were sloughed off with embarrassed evasions. The best advisers say that children should be told the answers to the specific questions they ask, but should not be given long scientific explanations before they are ready for them. Many of you are writing to me because you have had difficulty discussing this matter with your parents. Here are some of your letters:

Q. I am a 12-year-old girl. I have asked Mother about sex, but she says she will tell me when I am older. I have talked about it with a girl friend, but what she told me just puzzles me. I think if I'm old enough to know the stork didn't bring me I should have an explanation, don't you? S.H., La Junta, Colo.  

A. Girls and boys ask these questions at different ages; perhaps your mother does not remember being interested in the subject so early. Educators know, however, that some children begin to ask such questions as early as the third or fourth year and feel that they should be told what they are able to understand. 

Some time ago I mentioned a booklet put out by the Child Study Association of America. As a result, the Association received many requests for it from readers of this column. It is called When Children Ask About Sex. Call your mother's attention to the booklet; it may help her discuss the subject with you comfortably. 

Q. I am a girl almost 14. My parents have reason (they think) to believe that I am turning bad. I like boys, but what girl doesn't? At what age is it proper for girls to go in cars with good boys? At what age is it permissible to smoke? R.C., Fairfield, Conn.  

A. A child that does not have his parents' complete confidence is often unhappy and defiant. I know that some parents are excessively anxious over their daughters' reputations; however, it is a very difficult age for parents because it is hard indeed to protect children against the very real evils in every community. 

If the relationship between child and parent is such that discussion of problems seems very difficult or embarrassing, the child should have an opportunity to talk to the family doctor, a teacher or other adviser about the things that puzzle him. Parents are usually the best judges of just who is bad company for a child. Let them meet the boys with whom you wish to go in cars, and abide by their rules concerning your returning home. I do not like to see teenagers smoke at all. You must work this out with your parents. 

Q. I am a girl 12 years of age and many people take me for 15 or 16. I don't look a bit my age, except that I don't wear make-up. My parents take me for a baby; I can't wear even a dash of lipstick. S.C., Valley Stream, N.Y.  

A. I think your parents are very sensible. Most girls of 12 like to pretend that they look at least 16. Although in some communities girls of your age wear a little light lipstick, at least to parties, I don't like to see it even then. You have plenty of time in which to grow up. 

Q. You are insulting juveniles' dignity and self-respect by persisting in your column that we let our parents have the final word as to whom we should date, when we should be back home and other matters of etiquette. I know that state laws give our parents the right to control our lives, and no one should be encouraged to try to violate the law, but you could use your influence to correct those laws. Or are you one of those Victorians who believe we are too stupid to run our lives and so should stand helplessly by while our parents ruin them for us? B.L., Salem, Va.  

A. I believe in the protection of minors. The parentless “wild children” of wartime and postwar Europe are pathetic examples of what happens when children must fend for themselves.– Amy Vanderbilt in “Parade Magazine,” 1955

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Public Breast Feeding

Amy Vanderbilt, the etiquette authority, has now heard enough about public breast feeding, and has had sufficient queries, to plan an article on the subject. “My own feeling is that nursing is precious thing and that it would be better for the mother and the child to do it quietly and in privacy,” she said. However, “as young people seem to have no hang‐ups about it,” she suggested that basic rules of courtesy apply.

Mrs. Ira Silverman is a 27‐year‐old full‐time mother and part‐time career woman. She has fed her son, now 14 months old, in a restaurant and at dinner party. On neither occasion, although her son was being breast‐fed, was she embarrassed.

“I think it can be done discreetly and modestly,” she said. “I wouldn't normally have fed the baby in a restaurant, but he was obviously hungry and I didn't have a bottle with me.”

Mrs. Silverman, an editor of a Washington, D.C. trade publication, is one of an increasing number of women who not only nurse their babies, but have no particular inhibitions about doing so in front of other people.

“It's not a sexual thing to me,” she said. “Nursing is on a different level it's a basic life function.”

Mrs. Silverman breast‐fed her child in public only when the necessity arose, but she had, and has, no hesitation about feeding the baby with friends present.

“I think it's basic courtesy to ask they would be uncomfortable about it and I wouldn't do it if they were, but most people don't mind,” she said. “But once a friend telephoned and asked if she and her husband could come over to see the baby and when I mentioned that I might be feeding him when they came, she, said they'd come later because it might embarrass her husband.”

Many of the women who breast‐feed their babies in the presence of friends and/or strangers do so as unobtrusively as possible, often so expectly that others are unware of what they are doing.

“I course any place my baby is hungry,” said Mrs. Robert Wright, who has a 7‐month‐old daughter, Karla.

“I would say that over 75 per cent of the time, people are unaware of what is going on. . . I don't have to expose myself.”

However, there have been times, in the restaurants, movies and stores where she has nursed, where observers have realized what was happening. The reactions have been varied.

“I've had everything from smiles to averted eyes,” she said. “The only severe reaction I've had was in the ladies room at Saks Fifth Avenue where some of the women gave me a look and walked out.”

How the Children Responded

Most nursing mothers have noticed little difference in reaction between men and women, but they have found that children respond with bath curiosity and delight.

“If children come into the house when I'm nursing, I just continue,” said Mrs. Joseph Falcon of Brooklyn. “They ask what I'm doing and I explain and they are very interested.”

Mrs. Falcon, who nursed Wendy, her 2‐year‐old daughter, in airports, airplanes, bus stations and hotel lobbies, said she thought she had done so without being ostentatious.

“Society being what it is, I accept the fact that it should be done subtly,” she said.

Mrs. Stanley Stone of Staten Island, the wife of a police lieutenant, said she was aware that “the breast nowdays is considered a sexual symbol,” and that she would therefore not nurse in front of her husband's friends.

She does nurse in front of her three older children, the eldest of whom is 9, because “breasts aren't a sexual symbol to them... it's feeding the baby ... my daughter nursed her doll.”

“I've nursed every place under the sun,” she continued. “But I feel there is a way of doing it. I do it for the child's sake, not to show off that I'm a nursing mother. I believe in being natural but think one should consider the rights of others. Many people are turned off by, breasts hanging out.”

To Mrs. Michael Margetts, wife of producer of television commercials, breast feeding in some of the South American countries and in Mexico “was really beautiful.”

“In some of the, smaller towns, women would be shopping and the baby would be sucking at the breast and there was no effort made to cover up.”

Mrs: Margetts, who breast‐fed her son, Noah Li, for 18 months, said she realized a similar action here would be unwise.

“I never really displayed myself ... but in New York I got a lot more negative reaction,” she said. “A lot of women looked at me as though it was disgusting but I never felt anything other than natural about it.”

“You rarely see more than a flash of a breast,” said Mrs. Sanford Cohen, whose 10‐month‐old son, Nicte‐Ha (“Flower of the Water” in Mayan) is still being breast‐fed.

“I've never felt inhibited while doing it,” said Mrs. Cohen, who is a partner with her husband in a Hammock Master shop.

The growing vogue of public nursing has brought with it certain problems of rights and etiquette.

Several women reported that they had been asked by airline stewardesses to breast‐feed their babies in curtained compartments, rather than in their seats.

But airline spokesmen said there was no special policy or rule on the matter. “The common sense thing is that it be done as discreetly as possible,” said one representative. “We'd like her to do whatever is most comfortable for her.”

Other situations are not as clear‐cut, including the right of a passenger sitting next to a nursing mother or nearby diners at restaurants.

“It may be a perfectly natural thing to do,” said one woman who had nursed her own children. “But neither I, nor my husband, want to go out to dine and be faced with someone's breast. It's only happened to us once but let me tell you, it was enough ... my husband almost dropped his martini.”

A man who attended a party where a woman casually pulled up her sweater to succor her child recalled it vividly.

“I was talking to her at the time and I just fixed my eyes on her forehead,” he said. “It would be an understatement to say that I was uncomfortable”

Amy Vanderbilt, the etiquette authority, has now heard enough about public breast feeding, and has had sufficient queries, to plan an article on the subject.

“My own feeling is that nursing is precious thing and that it would be better for the mother and the child to do it quietly and in privacy,” she said.

However, “as young people seem to have no hang‐ups about it,” she suggested that basic rules of courtesy apply.

“I think they should try to conform with what makes most people comfortable. Generally speaking, if they are with their peers, it might be fine, but if there are older people who might not understand, they should retire to another room.”

Mrs. William Hamilton, wife of The New Yorker cartoonist, has noted, on occasion, that fellow guests at a party “didn't know how to behave” when she was nursing her 5‐month‐old daughter, Alexandra.

“They don't say anything, but they don't know how to react,” she commented. “They don't know whether to ignore me, or talk to me, or what.”

Before accepting an invitation, Mrs. Hamilton inquires whether her breastfeeding would be acceptable to the host and hostess, She tries, but can't always avoid, most public nursing.

“I once had to nurse the baby at an airport snack bar,” she recollected. “There were two older women nearby and they turned their heads away ... but two young boys came over and helped me arrange the baby and they didn't think anything about it.”

To some women who believe in nursing, it is still an act that should be confined to the home.

“What are you talking about, nursing or showing the world what you can do?” Mrs. Irwin Weindling asked. “Too often, girls want everyone within two miles to know it.”

She conceded, however, that done correctly, it was possible to nurse almost anywhere without attracting attention.

“But they are such shimmering moments, and there are so few of them in a lifetime, that I didn't care to share them,” she added. – The New York Times, 1973

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia