Etiquette Points for Boys in 1890

• Keep step with any one you walk with. 
• Never play with knife, fork or spoon. 
• Use your handkerchief unobtrusively always. 
• Hat lifted in saying “good-by,” or “how do you do!” 
• Do not take your napkin in a bunch in your hand. 
• Rise when ladies leave the room and stand till they are out.
• In the dining room take your seat after ladies and elders. 
• Let ladies pass through a door first, standing aside for them.
• Let a lady pass first always, unless she asks you to precede her. 
• If all go out together, gentlemen stand by the door till ladies pass. 
• Eat as fast or as slow as others, and finish the course when they do. 
• Hat lifted when offering a seat in a car or in acknowledging a favor. 
• Look people straight in the face when speaking or being spoken to. 
• Rise if a lady comes in after you are seated, and stand until she takes a seat. 
• In the parlor stand until every lady in the room is seated, also older people. 
• Cover the mouth with hand or napkin when obliged to remove anything from it. 
• Do not look toward a bedroom door when passing. 
• Always knock at any private room door. 
• Hat off the moment you enter a street door, and when you step into a private hall or office. 
• Always precede a lady up stairs, and ask her if you may precede her in passing through a crowd or public place. —Yonkers Gazette, 1890

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The French Revolution and Haute Cuisine

Beauvilliers Art Cuisinier – Antoine B. Beauvilliers was a pioneering restaurateur who opened the first prominent grand restaurant in Paris and wrote the cookbook “L'Art du Cuisinier.” Public Domain Image 

The Boulanger Case

It was around 1765 that a certain Boulanger, known as “Champ d'Oiseaux” or “Chantoiseau,” opened a shop near the Louvre. It sells "restaurants" or "restaurant broths", that is, meat-based consommés suitable for restoring weakened forces. Since the end of the Middle Ages, the word “restaurant” has meant those rich broths in which poultry, beef, different roots, onions, herbs and, depending on the recipes, spices, candied sugar, toasted bread or barley, butter, as well as to unusual-looking ingredients such as dried rose petals, Damascus grapes, amber and so on. To attract customers, Boulanger had this Gospel maxim from Matthew painted on the facade of his restaurant (11:28)
“Come to me omnes qui stomacho laboratis et ego vos restaurabo.” Or, “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will refresh you.”

But he was not satisfied with serving broth; he also prepared mutton feet in white sauce, thereby undermining the monopoly of the street vendor groups. They immediately brought him to trial, at the end of which, against all expectations, a judge of the Paris Parliament agrees to Boulanger: a signal of crisis for the street vendors that would soon disappear in the whirlwind of the revolutionary storm, but a gesture of encouragement to a new profession that strongly felt the need.

From that moment, thanks to the greater accuracy of the service and the popularity achieved, the doors of success opened in Boulanger. In a letter addressed to Sophie Volland, Diderot gives this opinion: I was going out … to go to dinner at the restaurateur in the rue des Poulies; you eat well there, but at a high price. 

Dissemination of the “Restaurant” Concept

In the years preceding the French Revolution, a number of establishments began serving more refined dishes divided into portions, no longer on a common table, but on small tables covered with tablecloths, individual or reserved for a group of already formed customers.

In 1782, Antoine Beauvilliers, having left the service of the Count of Provence — the future Louis XVIII —opened a restaurant in the Rue de Richelieu under the banner of the Grande Taverne de Londres. Beauvilliers recognized the customers and called them by name, addressing the foreign ones in their language and twirling around the room with a sword at his side. The prices he charged were in proportion to his many talents.

Brillat-Savarin wrote about him: “He [Was] the greatest restaurateur in Paris for fifteen years. ... he was the first to have an elegant dining room, well-dressed waiters, a well-kept cellar and a superior kitchen . . . and it seemed that he was giving his guests a very special attention.” It was the coming of the Revolution that made the fortunes of the concept of a restaurant. 

A number of good cooks of the Court and the Nobility lost their masters to the guillotine or fled abroad. Thus, some of these professionals reinvented themselves by offering food to the new ruling class. Their new patrons were the provincial deputies present in Paris, who near the places where they met, found the pleasures of the palate and all of the comforts of dining, including those most prosaic. It was therefore the Revolution that allowed haute cuisine to leave the Royal Court environment.

The restaurants, from the hundred that were, grew in number to 500 or 600 under the Empire and 3,000 during the Restoration.
Grimod de la Reynière wrote in 1804 in his Almanach des Gourmands: “The hearts of most wealthy Parisians suddenly turned into a gizzard . . . as a result, there is no city in the world where traders of edible products have soared. In Paris there are one hundred restaurants for a bookseller.” Throughout the 19th century, the overall level of eating establishments improved significantly, although several leftover “dealers of food” survived.

The refinement of the old aristocratic houses is found in the luxury restaurants of the great boulevards in Paris. Here the recipes, developed to perfection, and codified by Antonin Careme, the cook of the “extraordinary events” (these were official state meals on great occasions) of the Empire and of the Restoration are made, and then by his successors — Dugléré, Dubois and Escoffier.

The preparation lists of these places are as long as the menus of the great occasions of the ancien régime could be, but in this case it is the customer who makes the selection of the foods he wants to eat, just like the wines he wants to drink.

The French Revolution, far from killing food creativity and calling into question this aspect of the culture of the aristocratic class, caused the culinary art to be transferred to the bourgeoisie and also, in part, to the popular classes, through the establishment of the restaurant.

From France, the new “refreshment” place spreads throughout the West, to reach even the great Italian cities after the unity of the nation (1861). — From Taccuini Gastrosofici

Contributor, Eva Sorribas Costantini, was born in Barcelona Spain, but currently lives in Rome Italy. She is a graduate of La Sapienza University of Rome, specializing in in the courses of Etiquette, Good Manners and Costume Paths, Ceremonial, Protocol and Institutional Etiquette. She has performed Basic and Advance courses in Etiquette and Good Manners at the Accademia Italiana Galateo in the city of Rome, and has studied British Etiquette, English Afternoon Tea, Social History of Tea and Colonial Drinks. She also worked in the luxury retail fashion sector in window dressing, image consultancy and fashion history. Her expertise is in the history of dress code and court dresses with a focus on the psychology of fashion, gender identity, body, image and symbolism of color.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

First Annual Place Setting Competition!

From “Great Historic Places to See: 150 Years of Place Settings in the United States”

Special Announcement Update!!! : 

Due to the volume of DMs (direct messages) we’ve received from people who want to enter the place setting competition, but feel they can’t possibly do the themes justice or rise to the challenge because of continued Covid restrictions in their locales, we have decided to make the necessary revisions.

We have updated rules and added two weeks to the clock. During Covid lockdowns especially, people need the extra time. So we are dropping the themes, categories and menus for a reset! 

You now have two more weeks to send in your best place setting. There are no longer categories, either. Just send your best photo of your place setting and one of you with your setting, to theetiquettechannel@gmail.com and we will judge from those! Any questions? Email us. Good luck!

This contest is actually very simple!

Grab your plates, flatware, glasses and napkins...

 

And follow these 8 steps  4 steps!

1. Choose whether you want to be considered an Amateur, Professional or Etiquette Community Member in setting a table.

2. Choose one of our 5 themes. 

3. Create a menu to suit the theme.

4. Set one place setting which corresponds to the theme and menu you have chosen/created.

5.Take a photo of your place setting.

6.Take a selfie with your setting.

7.Wait until it is midnight, Pacific Standard Time (in California, USA) on June 1st of this year.

8. Email your photos (photo and selfie) along with your name, your country of origin, the category you are entering in, your theme choice and/or historic event and year, and the menu you created to this email address theetiquettechannel@gmail.com

Entries must be received by midnight on June 10th in California. After 12:01 10th of June Pacific Standard Time, we will no longer be accepting entries.

One winner (must be over the age of 18 to compete!) will be selected from each category: 

• Amateur
• Professional 
• Etiquette Community Member

Entrants must choose one of these 5 themes below:

• 6 Course, Formal American Gilded Age Dining 
• 5 Course, 1950’s American Formal Dining 
• 5 Course, Mid-19th C. Formal French Dining 
• 5 Course, Edwardian Era Formal British Dining
• 7 Course Dinner-Historical Event Between 1855 and 1995 – You choose the significant date and event and explain what made that date significant to YOU! Have fun with it... it can be a global event up until 1995 or a personal event in your past!

An original menu must be created and submitted which is then reflected in the setting. 

Your original setting must reflect the menu you have chosen for your meal and the theme you have chosen as either an Amateur, Professional or Etiquette Community Member. 

Photos of the place settings (not the selfies with settings) will be posted for viewing on the Etiquette Channel Instagram feed. No names will be attached so that the judging will remain completely “blind.”

Judging will be based on use of proper etiquette, harmony of color, historical accuracy, how well the place setting (or table cover) suits the menu, how well the theme is carried throughout the place setting and artistic creativity.

The winner of each of the 3 categories will receive: 

1. A USD $100.00 eBay gift card.

2. A signed copy of Maura J. Graber’s upcoming book, “What Have We Here?”

3. Two collectible etiquette books from the library of Elizabeth Soos of Auersmont Etiquette, personally chosen for each winner.

4. A blog post featuring you and your setting on the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia.

5. Some surprise gifts from the historic, Graber Olive House, in Ontario California.

Complete Contest Rules, Terms and Conditions

We will begin accepting photos and registration forms on Midnight, Pacific Standard Time, June 1, 2021. Please note: Any photos and forms received before that time will not be considered for competition. Photos and registration forms will be accepted through Midnight, Pacific Standard Time, June 10, 2021

This competition is open to all US, Australian and International citizens, 18 years of age and older. By entering this competition with your photos, menus and registration forms, you automatically agree to all terms and conditions, including verifying that you are over 18 years of age. It is being sponsored by Maura J. Graber, Director of the RSVP Institute of Etiquette and Elizabeth Soos of Auersmont Etiquette.

Each entry requires submission of 2 photos (1 of which you are shown in alongside your place setting) along with a menu which corresponds with your place setting entry and theme chosen. 

Only the place setting will be shown on Instagram in the competition process. (Your photo alongside the setting is proof you created the setting you entered and will not be posted to Instagram.)

Photos must be of original settings created for this contest. 

Your original setting must reflect the menu you have chosen for your meal and the theme you have chosen as either an Amateur, Professional or Etiquette Community Member. 

Judging will be based on use of proper etiquette, harmony of color, historical accuracy, how well the place setting (or table cover) suits the menu, how well the theme is carried throughout the place setting and artistic creativity.

The winner of each of the 3 categories will receive: 

1. A USD $100.00 eBay gift card.

2. A signed copy of Maura J. Graber’s upcoming book, “What Have We Here?”

3. Two collectible etiquette books from the library of Elizabeth Soos of Auersmont Etiquette, personally chosen for each winner.

4. A post featuring you and your setting on the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia.

5. Some surprise gifts from the historic, Graber Olive House, in Ontario California.


One winner will be selected from each category: 

1. Amateur
2. Professional 
3. Etiquette Community Member


Entrants must choose one of these 5 themes below:
1. Formal American Gilded Age Dining 
2. 1950’s American Formal Dining
3. Mid 19th C. Formal French Dining
4. Edwardian Era Formal British Dining
5. Historical Event of Your Choice Between 1855 and 1995

An original menu must be created and submitted which is then reflected in the setting. 

Only one entry will be allowed per entrant. Two photos must be submitted for each entry — one photo of the original place setting or table cover in a flat-lay view and one photo with you standing or sitting next to your setting.

The winners will be announced June 30, 2021 on Instagram on the @EtiquetteChannel and @EtiquipediaCompetition Instagram feeds, the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia and the Auersmont Etiquette website. 

Please note that all photos and menus received become the property of Maura J. Graber and Elizabeth Soos solely for this competition.

We both wish you all the best,
Maura J. Graber & Elizabeth Soos

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Madame de Circourt and Afternoon Tea

 

Tea as an afternoon meal, is thought to have originated in 1837 in the house of Mme. de Circourt, a Russian lady, whose salon in Paris was at that time much frequented by the most intellectual society of day. The fashionable dinner hours were then getting late, and she introduced a 4 o'clock light meal, at which tea was served, creating the custom in Paris of afternoon tea. It was later that Fanny Kemble in “Records of a Girlhood” attributes the introduction of the afternoon meal in England, to Anna, the then Duchess of Bedford. — Public domain image, Wikipedia 

From “Notes and Queries” 1882— On Afternoon Tea - “In a sketch of Comte de Circourt, by Hubert Saladin, the salon of Madame de Circourt comes prominently before us as one of those frequented by the most intellectual society of Paris in 1837. A reviewer in the Revue Britannique for this month suggests that to her (she was a Russian) we are perhaps indebted for the first 5 o’clock teas.” K.H.B.

Madame de Circourt, was born Anastasie Klustine, in Moscow in 1808, to Simon Klustine, an officer of high rank in the Russian army, and the Countess Vera Tolstoi. Intelligent and a natural at linguistics, Anastasie spoke fluent Russian, German, French and English by the age of 16. Her educational studies included religion, ethics, metaphysics, botany, and music, but her health was described as delicate. 

Subsequently, at the age of 18, with her mother, she travelled to Montpellier, Pyrenees and then to Paris to convalesce. ‘It was in Paris during the winter of 1826-27 that she made the acquaintance of Count Adolphe de Circourt’ and they soon married. 

Her later life, and the popularity of her Parisian salon, in which she entertained the most intellectual of society, was covered in author Count Nigra’s book, “Count Cavour and Madame de Circourt: Some Unpublished Correspondence.” It was in her salon that she started the custom of serving afternoon tea, prior to the Duchess of Bedford doing so in England.

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1920’s Telephone Etiquette

Telephone manners are important, for voice-to-voice courtesy is as important as face-to-face politeness. Impatient “jiggling” of the hook to signal the operator does not flash the small lamp on the switchboard. The right and effective way is to move the hook up and down slowly.

Telephone Etiquette No. 5:

If you talk directly into the mouthpiece with lips a half-inch away, you will enable the one to whom you are speaking to get your message without straining to hear you. –Peru News, 1928

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Laying the Gilded Age Table of 1895

Handsome linen will give elegance to a table where ornamentation is very simple. It should be ironed without starch, or with a very little if it is not sufficiently heavy to take polish without it. It should be folded perfectly square, so that the lines will be straight, and should be of spotless and dazzling whiteness. With this as a basis, there will be no difficulty in making an attractive table.

The Table– A round or square table five feet across is a convenient size for ordinary use, giving ample room for six people, and leaving space for decoration. Large round tops are made to fit over extension-tables, which will seat from twelve to twenty or more people; and when the size of the room will permit, this is the pleasantest form of table for entertainments, and best lends itself to decorative effects, giving to each person a complete picture of the table and of the company assembled.

The Linen– A thick cotton material, which is made for the purpose, for interlining between table and cloth, is the first requisite in laying the table, and should always be used. It protects the polished surface of the table from injury, gives a more brilliant whiteness to the cloth, and prevents any noise when placing the china and silver upon the table. The linen should be as fine as the purse will allow. 

Handsome linen will give elegance to a table where ornamentation is very simple. It should be ironed without starch, or with a very little if it is not sufficiently heavy to take polish without it. It should be folded perfectly square, so that the lines will be straight, and should be of spotless and dazzling whiteness. With this as a basis, there will be no difficulty in making an attractive table.

In the way of linen, much taste may be shown in the ornamental pieces used in the center of the table. These may be of any shape or size desired, from a small square to a long scarf. They may be of embroidered linen, drawn-work, lace, plain silk or satin; but wash materials are preferable, and effects of color, when desired, can be obtained in the embroidery or linings. The attractiveness of these pieces depends on their daintiness. The fashion of a center-piece of linen is, however, a passing one, as they are not at present so generally used.

The Order of Laying the Table– After the interlining has been spread, the cloth should be laid with great care, making the center fold run perfectly straight with the room, and the cross fold again exactly divide the table at right angles to the other crease. By these straight lines, everything else is gaged. The fancy linen piece is next laid, and its center must coincide with that of the cloth. If the piece is square, it sometimes has better effect to place the points on the long lines of the cloth, giving it a diamond shape; this, however, is a matter of fancy. The center ornament is then placed on the exact point where the folds of the cloth cross in the middle of the table.

The plates are next put in position, attention being given to the decoration on the china, if it be a monogram that it is right side up, if flowers that they are in natural position, etc... Where there are an uneven number of covers it is better to place the plates at equal distances around the table, without regard to the place of the hostess being opposite to that of the host. In other cases, the plates at the head and foot of the table, and those on the sides, should be directly opposite each other. Under no circumstances must the plates be omitted. 

On the left of the plates place the forks; three or four may be put on and laid in the order in which they will be used. Three knives (one of them being a silver knife for the fish course) and the oyster fork are placed on the right of the plate; the soup spoon may go in front of the plate or with the knives on the right; the bowls of the forks and spoons should be right side up, the edges of the knives turned toward the plate.

After the plates and small silver and cutlery are in position, the decorating of the table should proceed as far as possible. The position for everything can be best determined after the plates are laid. The perishable articles, that cannot be put on until the last moment, can usually have their position located by the compotiers or the bonbon dishes which will hold them. Uniformity is not required in having two or four of these dishes to match, but such ornamental holders as are used must be placed in uniform positions, so as to balance and harmonize. Any deviation from this rule, or neglect of the small details in placing the table furniture, will give the effect of a disordered table.

Lights– The candlesticks, or candelabra, as the case may be, should be so placed as not to obstruct the views across the table. This may be determined by two persons taking seats on opposite sides of the table, viewing each other from different places, and moving the candelabra until the right position is found, which usually will not be more than an inch or two either way. It is well to give attention to this matter, as comfort is much disturbed and conversation interrupted from shutting out by this kind of screen the different persons at the table. Before being placed on the table candles should be fitted firmly and straight in their sockets, be lighted for a few minutes, and then the wicks should be cut and the shades fitted squarely upon the holders. This will prevent smoking, dripping and other annoyances that may occur if it is not done. Shade-holders that fit the top of the candle are very objectionable and dangerous, but those that clasp the candle below the heated part give little trouble.

Salt- and pepper-boxes are placed at the corners of the table, or within easy reach of every two people if more than four are used. If carafes are used the same rule is observed. After the decoration of the table is completed as far as possible, the glasses are put on. There is danger of their being broken if put on before. They are placed in uniform groups at the right of the plates: the water glass nearest the plate, and the wine-glass to be first used nearest the edge of the table. Port and Madeira glasses are not put on until the time for serving those wines, which is at the end of the dinner.

The napkin, folded in triangular shape, the embroidered monogram on top, is laid on the plate, and a piece of bread cut two inches long and one and a half inches thick, or more generally a dinner roll, is laid in the fold, but left in full sight, so that it will not be shaken on to the floor when the napkin is lifted.

Everything that will be needed in serving the dinner should be convenient to hand. 

The Sideboard– The plates to be warmed should be in the hot closet; those for the cold courses, the finger-bowls, extra small silver and cutlery, extra rolls and cracked ice, should be on the sideboard, so that there will be no delay in getting them when needed.

Foot-stools placed under the table for the ladies add much to their comfort.– Century Cook Book, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Dinners, Dress and More

Those white gloves on the footman or butler are incorrect! –“Everything in a well-ordered household is supposed to be clean, including the hands of the domestics, and the use of white gloves is not permissible. First-class butlers and footmen do not wear mustaches.”

 

Dress– A woman’s dinner dress should be décolleté, and for a man evening dress is always de rigueur.

The butler wears a dress suit with white tie. The footman, or second man, wears the livery of the family, or, in default of that, a coat of dark color, with brass buttons, and a bright-colored striped waistcoat.

The dining-room maid wears a plain black dress, a white apron that covers completely the front of her skirt, a linen collar and deep cuffs, and a small white cap, with or without strings, but no crown. Everything in a well-ordered household is supposed to be clean, including the hands of the domestics, and the use of white gloves is not permissible. First-class butlers and footmen do not wear mustaches.

Arrival– Guests are expected at the hour mentioned in the invitation, and should be as near that time as possible. In large cities, where distances are great and exact time difficult to calculate, a little grace is allowed, but the hostess is not expected to wait longer than fifteen minutes for a tardy guest. It is considered a breach of etiquette to be late, and the assumption is, when this occurs, that the delay is unavoidable and will be indefinite, and so the other guests should not be inconvenienced.

At large dinners a gentleman finds in the dressing-room, or a servant passes to him before he enters the drawing-room, a tray holding small addressed envelops. He selects the one bearing his own name, and finds on an inclosed card the name of the lady he is to take to the table. The letter R or L in the corner of the card denotes whether he will find his place on the right or left of the table from the entrance. If he does not know the lady, he should tell the hostess, so that he may be presented to her. 

The hostess stands near the door to receive her guests, and such introductions follow as can conveniently be made. If general introductions are omitted, guests are expected to act as though acquainted, and speak to whomever they may be near. This rule holds good for all entertainments in some countries, but Americans continue a reserve except at dinners, where barriers to ease and pleasure must not exist. 

The hostess does not knowingly bring together people who object to meet one another, but in such an event the acquaintanceship need not extend beyond the evening, and good breeding requires a courteous recognition of the friends of the hostess while under her roof.

The butler keeps count of the arrival of expected guests, and announces dinner shortly after all are in the drawing-room. In case of a tardy guest, he waits for the hostess to order the dinner served. 

Announcement–He then enters the room, and, looking at the host or hostess, says, “Dinner is served,” or “Madam is served,” or simply bows to the hostess.

The host then offers his right arm to the lady who is to sit at his right, and leads the way into the dining-room; the other couples follow in any order that is convenient. 

Precedence– The hostess, with the gentleman she honors with the seat at her right, are the last to leave the drawing-room. If a distinguished man is present, it is to him this courtesy is shown. Except in official and diplomatic circles, there is no other rule of precedence. If the President of the United States or a royal personage were being entertained, the hostess with this dignitary would then precede the others.

At each cover is laid a card on which is distinctly written the name of the person who is to occupy that place. Confusion is thus avoided in seating the guests. It has been a fashion to have these cards artistic and elaborate in design, but at present plain gilt-edged cards stamped with the family crest or monogram are more generally used.

Departure– When the dinner is finished, the gentlemen return to the drawing-room with the ladies, and then withdraw to the smoking-room for half an hour. Shortly after their return to the drawing-room the guests take their leave. If guests of honor are present, they are the first to go. – Century Cook Book, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The 1895 Century Cookbook

View of a table cover for the first course

Mrs. Mary Ronald's Century Cook Book, just from the press of the Century Publishing Company, will prove a valuable household companion. The whole gastronomic field, ethical, practical and scientific, is covered. Mrs. Ronald also devotes a chapter to dinner and luncheon etiquette, which will be read with interest by every housewife. The authoress has been guided by the words of Ruskin. He says of the cook and cooking: 

“To be a good cook means the knowledge of all fruits, herbs, balms and spices, and of all that is healing and sweet in field and groves, and savory in meats; means carefulness, inventiveness, watchfulness, willingness and readiness of appliance. It means the economy of your great-grand-mothers and the science of modern chemists. It means much tasting and no wasting. It means English thoroughness, French art and Arabian hospitality. It means, in fine, that you are to be perfectly and always ladies (loaf-givers) and are to see that every one has something nice to eat.” [The Century Company, New York], 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Dinner Party Invitations

Etiquette for Dinner Party invitations from Mrs. Mary Ronald’s 1895 “Century Cookbook”

Invitations are sometimes sent out a month or three weeks in advance, but ordinarily two weeks is sufficient time to secure the guests one wishes to entertain. Courtesy requires a dinner invitation to be answered at once, certainly within twelve hours, but better in less time. This enables the hostess to fill the vacancy in case the invitation is declined. Unconventional people are sometimes unmindful of this obligation, but as a rule those who are accustomed to entertaining recognize the importance of a prompt reply, and answer a dinner invitation immediately.

It is well, when convenient, to send the invitation as well as the reply by hand, so that there may be no uncertainty of prompt delivery; to send either of them by post is, however, permissible.

The answer should be definite, and where a man and his wife are invited, if one of them is unable to accept, the invitation should be declined for both. An invitation should be precise in expression, therefore the prescribed form given below should be exactly followed. It does not belong to the order of social notes; it is simply a formal invitation, and an acceptance should be of the same character. 

Any deviation from the prescribed form is uncalled for and likely to cause criticism. In declining the invitation, however, it is considered more gracious to answer the formal note informally, and, by stating the reason, show that the regret is not merely a perfunctory expression.

Verbal invitations or replies should never be given for formal entertainments. R. S. V. P. should not be put on a dinner invitation. Every well-bred person knows an answer is necessary, and it is a reflection upon good manners to assume that no reply would be given if the request for it were omitted.

It is important also that the reply should repeat, in the same words as the invitation, the date and hour of the dinner, so, if any mistake has inadvertently been made, it may be corrected, thus establishing an exact understanding.

A dinner engagement is the most exacting of any social obligation, and no greater discourtesy can be shown than to break it except for serious cause. – Mrs. Mary Ronald's Century Cook Book, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age American Chivalry

 

Their speech becomes decent, their manners kind and their excesses are restrained if a woman approaches them. It is a splendid national peculiarity.

Americans a Chivalrous Race

The American men are a chivalrous race. They respect women; they are the noblest men in the world. There are, to be sure, American savages. One class who use the bowie knife, who drink like the hippopotamus, play cards, fight duels, are wildly furious, passionate, unsafe and desperate, there is another class who pretend to despise fashion and etiquette, who dress like fiends, wearing conglomerates of frock or coat and white tie in the evening; dress coat in the morning. They neither know nor care for etiquette and they think it is noble to be thus ignorant. But even these two classes have a respect for women. Their speech becomes decent, their manners kind and their excesses are restrained if a woman approaches them. It is a splendid national peculiarity. The London rough has no such soft spot. It is to be feared that the London man of fashion is not sufficiently imbued with it. As for the polite Frenchman, his external politeness toward the “beau sexe” is very marked when he wishes to propitiate them, but his contempt for them is equally marked when he does not his cruelty is enormous.—Mrs. John Sherwood, 1888

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Undertaking Gilded Age Grief

“She has great advantage over the man undertaker, who has vague and unsatisfactory ideas on ruching and borders, and doesn't know the fine distinctions in mourning etiquette between the suitable garb for maids and matrons, and is no use whatever in deciding which style in mourning bonnets is most becoming.” 

Buffalo is blessed with a “lady undertaker,” who takes charge of every detail of a funeral, embalming the body, draping the funeral apartments, furnishing the shroud and casket, chairs and carriages, arranging the flowers and purchasing the mourning outfit for the entire family. 

In the latter capacity she has great advantage over the man undertaker, who has vague and unsatisfactory ideas on ruching and borders, and doesn't know the fine distinctions in mourning etiquette between the suitable garb for maids and matrons, and is no use whatever in deciding which style in mourning bonnets is most becoming. 

Many people prefer to have this little woman attend women and children especially, and she is doing a thriving business, which she intends to supplement in the spring by a mourning millinery establishment, from which to supply promptly the requisite costume at short notice. 

St. Paul has a woman engaged successfully in this solemn business. Chicago has also one who has retired very wealthy, and Rochester boasts a woman who acts as assistant undertaker.– New York Sun, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Restaurant History and Dining Out

 

According to Britannica.com, the first café is said to have opened in 1550 in Constantinople; during the 17th century cafés opened in Italy, France, Germany, and Englan d – Above, Jan Steen’s “Revelry at an Inn”

The Birth and Spread of Public Catering

Public consumption of food has always been both a private matter –when we are eating– and a collective event –when we are socializing. The atmosphere that is created leads to exchange a few words with those who are close, creating interpersonal relationships influenced by the type of accommodation where the food is offered, whether it be via a kiosk, tavern, or restaurant.

Today, one of the most popular catering establishments is the restaurant. It is an environment where one can sit at the table to eat outside the home for a fee. In the worst case, one is satisfied with what is there– good, bad, or, at best, experiencing a moment of intense artistic creation. More generally, the situation is a middle ground that combines business with pleasure in varying proportions, and quality with a modest price.

Origins of the Restaurant in Street Cooking

The roots of the cuisine date back to the borders between prehistory and history. Then the public catering service was born with markets and fairs that forced farmers and artisans to leave their home for one or more days, and to feed themselves while they formed or maintained social relations of friendship or business.

The service offered by this type of public cuisine has grown and diversified at the same pace as urbanization, to which it has remained tied. Eating outside the home was already widespread among the Romans. Over time, it became increasingly important among the urban popular classes. Those who lived in the city had the need to feed themselves by buying food cooked in public places or from street vendors. Some examples of the most famous traditional Italian street food are: Sicilian arancine, raw Apulian seafood, Ascolana olives, Romagna piadina, Ligurian focaccia, Roman pork “porchetta.”

The Birth of the Modern Restaurant

France was the birthplace of “restaurants.” This birth dates back to the end of the 18th century, with the exception of the inns frequented by travelers and by street kitchens, where was it possible to have a meal served outside the home in Europe of the time. Essentially in the establishments offering alcoholic beverages (such as taverns) which, in addition to wine and beer, the main object of their trade, were offered simple and inexpensive dishes, prepared on the spot, or brought from a nearby food shop.

All these establishments made for a noisy, often inconvenient and sometimes quarrelsome conviviality, serve more “plebeian” style foods than elaborate dishes. To drink and meet friends in a refined setting, you have to go to the café, a kind of meeting place born in the previous century. – From  Taccuini Gastrosofici

Our newest contributor, Eva Sorribas Costantini, was born in Barcelona Spain, but currently lives in Rome Italy. She is a graduate of La Sapienza University of Rome, specializing in in the courses of Etiquette, Good Manners and Costume Paths, Ceremonial, Protocol and Institutional Etiquette. She has performed Basic and Advance courses in Etiquette and Good Manners at the Accademia Italiana Galateo in the city of Rome, and has studied British Etiquette, English Afternoon Tea, Social History of Tea and Colonial Drinks. She also worked in the luxury retail fashion sector in window dressing, image consultancy and fashion history. Her expertise is in the history of dress code and court dresses with a focus on the psychology of fashion, gender identity, body, image and symbolism of color.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Grace and Carriage

 

Look up, not down!... “To begin with, borrow from the creed of the King's daughters and “lookup.” If your throat is pretty and you want to make capital of it, throw your chin in the air as Ada Behan and Ella Wheeler Wilcox do. Don't think anything about your shoulders, for so sure as you do you will have them mannishly square. Make your chest lead all the time, whether seated or standing, and then look to your sides to see that there are no creases in your waist. So poised your shoulders will take a round, graceful, womanly cure, the stomach will go in, and, as the dress reformers put it, you will have a natural bustle and a carriage that will enhance any style of dress.” 

What women want is not better clothes, loose dresses, and sham corsets, but better positions. They want sittings. If some teacher of Delsarte, calisthenics, or physical culture would undertake to instruct a class in correctness of posture, incalculable good would certainly result. Women sit on their hips, their feet, and their spinal column; they throw their chests in, their shoulders forward, their abdomen out, and destroy forever the nice lines of the figure, besides rendering shapeless whatever gown or bodice they may be dressed in. 

These distorted women are unfortunately too prevalent. They force themselves on the critic in the church and theater, on the streets and trains, and in a car one looks in vain for a single upright, easily-poised traveler. Given a woman who knows how to hold herself, it must be a most miserable outfit that will not be improved. There is a tacit understanding among tailors that when the man has the shape, the coat is bound to fit, but in the world of modes one is told that this woman can carry a certain style or that another can not. 

Carriage is all a matter of habit. The worst can be remedied by practice, but before beginning, it is well to have an ideal. The galleries and art shops, books, magazines, and the stage abound in models, and besides, there are descriptive pictures that the most simple-minded can understand. To begin with, borrow from the creed of the King's daughters and “lookup.” If your throat is pretty and you want to make capital of it, throw your chin in the air as Ada Behan and Ella Wheeler Wilcox do. Don't think anything about your shoulders, for so sure as you do you will have them mannishly square. Make your chest lead all the time, whether seated or standing, and then look to your sides to see that there are no creases in your waist. So poised your shoulders will take a round, graceful, womanly cure, the stomach will go in, and, as the dress reformers put it, you will have a natural bustle and a carriage that will enhance any style of dress. 

Indeed, if the truth were only known a queenly carriage is worth half the toilet and is in itself beauty. Heretofore the bustle interfered with posture, but now that no such implement of torture is worn, and as reeds and straps are gradually losing their hold, there is absolutely no excuse for the women who lounge, sit on their feet, and otherwise offend taste. The best schooling for a good walk is a close observation of the people you meet walking in the street and drawing-room. 

Trollope, who was one of the closest observers of human nature, in describing the grace of one of his heroines, spoke of her walk as being “a lie stride from the hips.” He was right in this. A free swing of the leg from the hip, results in an easy, graceful walk. Swing the legs out firmly, keeping the knee steady, don’t stride, but, on the other hand, don't make the mistake of taking too short a step. Place the foot firmly on the ground, keep the body free from any motion, let the shoulders be thrown well back, and hold the head erect.- New York Times, 1888

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and White House Mistresses

 

During her residence in the White House, Mrs. Cleveland stood up in all the beauty of her young womanhood and bravely shook hands with the mighty public until she had to take her rings and gloves off, until her fingers were swollen, her arm was lame and her hand was like a puff ball. After every reception her maid had a solution ready to bathe her dislocated members, and it was often necessary to rip her sleeve up in order to get it off. 

Presidents’ Wives: Different Views of Different Mistresses of the White House

Mrs. James A. Garfield never got into harmony with the ostentation, excitement and vulgarity of public life. She is a woman of innate refinement, very domestic in her tastes, and the presumptions of the public grated on her. She could not reconcile herself to the privileges assumed by agents representing photographic and advertising companies, business firms, newspapers, artists and charitable, industrial and social organizations, and when she sent down word that she did not wish to become an adverting medium, that she did not want to be photographed, painted, interviewed or entertained, and that she begged to decline the testimonial of the club to which she was a stranger, she was most severely and cruelly assailed by message, letter and paragraph. 

In all her public life she did not receive ten reporters, says the New York World. Scores applied to her for audience, and very often poverty was offered as a plea for the coveted interview. To these importunators she frequently sent a sealed envelope containing a bill and a “please excuse me from newspaper comment” written on the back of her visiting card. She used to say that she “felt like a baby elephant” every time she received with the President. While fully recognizing her obligations as the wife of the Chief Magistrate, she argued at home and among her friends that she was not a politician, was not in office, and in no way compelled to make un exhibition of herself, her home and her children. There was no time between the election and burial of her husband, when she would not have gladly paid the newspaper writers and artists to decline the work assigned them. 

These very sentiments are entertained by Mrs. Harrison, who dreads publicity, suffers from the demands made upon her by strangers and shrinks from the ordeal of handshaking, committees and delegates bearing testimonials, resolutions or documents inquiring her approval. Last winter, while a member of Mrs. Wanamaker's Delsarte class, she entered the drawing-room just as Mrs. Russell was showing the Wanamaker girls how to bow. There was the little bow of the head, which would suffice for an employee in the “depot”; there was the warmer salutation, with an advancing of the chest, for the formal caller: there was a still more cordial salute, accompanied by a responsive movement of the head and torso, and finally the low, grand, sweeping bow from the head to the ankles, expressive of great respect, such as the Queen is accustomed to receive. 

Mrs. Harrison listened with undivided attention, and when the lesson was ended asked to be presented to Mrs. Russell, and during the conversation that ensued, talked very lively to the New York aesthete. She referred to the Grand Army reception when she carried a fan and bouquet, so as to have ample excuse for not shaking hands, and to which innovation the Logan division took swift violent offense. “I was sorry,” Mrs. Harrison said. “I did not mean to show an indisposition to kindness or courtesy, but it was a physical impossibility for me to extend my hand. Had I been permitted to shake hands it would have been different, but to have others do it was more than my strength was equal to.” Mrs. Harrison is very frank on the subject, and while disposed to be pleasant and gracious refuses to manifest for strangers the cordiality that only her friends are entitled to. 

The approach of a stalwart from the mud lakes and prairies of the Sieto, Des Moines and Kansas rivers, with beaming face and open hand, gives her a chill, the discomfort of which is increased by the vigorous fanning necessary to the safety of her wrist. This aversion of the First Lady to cross hands with the grasping multitude will be the means of amending the etiquette of the reception and draw rooms of Washington, if not the United States. 

During her residence in the White House, Mrs. Cleveland stood up in all the beauty of her young womanhood and bravely shook hands with the mighty public until she had to take her rings and gloves off, until her fingers were swollen, her arm was lame and her hand was like a puff ball. After every reception her maid had a solution ready to bathe her dislocated members, and it was often necessary to rip her sleeve up in order to get it off. This girl bride liked the public, and the affection was returned. She was gracious obliging and indulgent to a degree, but impertinence was met by revolt. She sent to Paris for her clothes because she was too well known in Washington, Albany and New York to buy them at home. When she wanted shoes, bonnets or gloves, an order was sent to her dress-maker, who purchased them in her own name. 

Mrs. General Grant has not one adverse criticism to pass on the great unwashed. She admits that she cried like a baby the day she left the White House. A special train carried the General's party to New York, but she says, “I watered the journey with my tears. The General stood between me and any annoyances that might have occurred, but I was very happy; my life was eight years of bliss and one round of pleasure.”– San Francisco Call, 1890

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Chanoyu Etiquette – Japanese Tea

They were all society people, but they found that Japanese etiquette differed very materially from their own social functions. They studied the slips of paper given them until they knew that the bits of cake given them were to be eaten first, and the bowl of tea to be taken in the right hand and placed on the left palm and so held, no matter how warm the tea, until the first guest had sipped his tea in three gulps and a half when the rest of the company were at liberty to drink the steaming beverage, each bowl being drained in succession. The guests, meanwhile, watching each other with great interest to know what would be expected of them when their turn came. 

San Francisco, California – Do you know what a “chanoyu” is? Well, it is simply a Japanese ceremonial tea. The dainty little Geisha, Mme. Yucca and some members of the company, which, by-the-way, is the only real Japanese troupe ever in this country, who performed recently at the California theater, gave a chanoyu in the Maple room of the Palace Hotel that was a decidedly novel and interesting affair. The decorations were in keeping with the event, all Japanese, of course, with Japanese lanterns and richly embroidered screens which formed a back-ground to the tea-drinking room. The affair was invitational, and to each guest was presented little slips of paper describing etiquette of a Japanese ceremonial tea. 

They were all society people, but they found that Japanese etiquette differed very materially from their own social functions. They studied the slips of paper given them until they knew that the bits of cake given them were to be eaten first, and the bowl of tea to be taken in the right hand and placed on the left palm and so held, no matter how warm the tea, until the first guest had sipped his tea in three gulps and a half when the rest of the company were at liberty to drink the steaming beverage, each bowl being drained in succession. The guests, meanwhile, watching each other with great interest to know what would be expected of them when their turn came. 

Mme. Yucca brewed the tea with her own tiny hands on a raised dais, using a special blend, costing a fabulous sum per pound, and a tiny maid, Miss Otsuru by name, passed the refreshments, making a graceful and profound bow to each guest. One of the features of the evening was a geisha dance by Mme. Butterfly, 300 years old, the dance, not the dancer, bearing the ancient record. It was full of life and grace, combining all of the best movements of the Delsarte system. – Polly Larkin, 1899

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Sociability and Etiquette

They can live in the same town for years and not speak to each other. Why? Perhaps because they have never gone through the formality of an introduction. Is this not carrying etiquette too far? Is this not an instance where culture defeats itself? Is this not a case where civilisation is worse than barbarism ? What good purpose can it serve for two peoplo who know each other’s names and occupation to pass each other on the street and pretend by their far away looks that they are strangers? 

Are human beings as sociable as they should be? Is there not room for more real friendliness among all classes? I do not mean the sociability that exhausts itself in making fashionable calls. That is sociability gone to seed. I mean the sociability that constrains us to speak kind words and do helpful services for any man or woman who lives in town with us. I mean the sociability that prompts us to be agreeable in whatever company of neighbors we find ourselves. A horse will answer to the whinny of another horse, though they are entire strangers to each other. The birds answer the twitter of other birds and the sheep respond to the bleating of other sheep that come to join them on the mountain side.

With human beings however it is different. They can live in the same town for years and not speak to each other. Why? Perhaps because they have never gone through the formality of an introduction. Is this not carrying etiquette too far? Is this not an instance where culture defeats itself? Is this not a case where civilisation is worse than barbarism ? What good purpose can it serve for two peopleAl C who know each other’s names and occupation to pass each other on the street and pretend by their far away looks that they are strangers? 

How much ice is imported into social life when we rub against each other in homes or churches or halls and yet never speak? If there must be “sets” in society, why do they not keep apart ? Surely it would be better to keep apart than to come together and yet not mingle. Moral culture and “physical culture” as our new teachers delight to call the “Delsarte work” we all need. Christ was a mystery. Delsarte was a genius. If we are not careful, however, we will learn both systems so imperfectly that we will become formal. Formality in itself is ice-cream, without the cream. 

The cream and the eggs are spoiled and even if the ice tastes of salt, I would rather have a neighbor shake hands with me in an awkward fashion and exhibit his true friendship, than have the most exquisite bow from a rich person if he meant to give me nothing but the bow. Let him keep that for those who are willing to toady to him! Christ is not to blame for those who allow their morality to make them “stand-offish.” Delsarte ia not to blame for those who allow tbeir “physical culture” to make them formal. Both grace of form and expression are right enough in their place but they are absurd where there is no grace of heart. 

If an elegant person has no true kindness, his elegance only serves to show that he is a skeleton. When the skeleton shakes hands with you it is beautifully done, but a shiver runs down your bones. You feel yourself in the company of death. When it shows himself out, you feel glad. Etiquette is all right. Education whether it is physical or moral is all right too. The fault is in ourselves if they make us artificial. The truly educated person will know when to lay aside the strict roles of etiquette and act the true man, especially with his neighbor. 

The man whose education is all on the outside will continue to be formal, odd, stiff, starchy. His very formality will declare the defect in his education. If you cannot possibly thaw him out, let him drift on and by and by he may find the north pole. Better the friendship of those who, if they lack the form, have the substance or beautiful things in their hearts, and whose sweetness and love will remind us that somewhat of Eden still lingers on the earth. – Rev. J. George Gibson, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia