Etiquette and Affecting Superiority

A “gentleman” or French “gentilhomme.” —
“It is true that a cook maybe as much of a lady as any other woman, or a porter as true a gentleman as a President of the United States.”

Everybody reads the advertising columns of the newspaper. Advertisements are always worth looking at. They are a reflex of the business and social needs at the time, and of the manners and customs of the people. Here is a peculiar announcement cut from the columns of a California contemporary: 

‘Wanted—Situation by a middle-aged man and wife; the lady is a first class cook; the gentleman can do all kinds of out-door work; wait on table or act as porter; parties are colored, and late arrivals from the East.’ 

This reveals a rather ludicrous affectation in the use of the words “lady” and “gentleman,’’ where “man” and “woman” would be properly employed, although it is true that a cook maybe as much of a lady as any other woman, or a porter as true a gentleman as a President of the United States. 

Color does not figure in the case at all. Why should people be reluctant to call themselves men and women? No one speaks of Adam as the “first gentleman” or Eve as the “first lady.” But perhaps affectation will some day get to that pitch. —The Marysville Daily Appeal, 1889

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Rules of Conversation

 

What is now known as “phubbing” was addressed in 1899 —No well-bred person would be guilty of the gross rudeness of picking up a book or magazine and “looking through” it while pretending to pay heed to the talk of a friend. 

Practical Etiquette and Conversation 

No well-bred person would be guilty of the gross rudeness of picking up a book or magazine and “looking through” it while pretending to pay heed to the talk of a friend. The assurance, “I am only looking at the pictures of this magazine, not reading, and I hear every word you say,” is no palliation of the offence. The speaker would be justified in refusing to continue the conversation until the pictures had been properly studied. If a speech is worth hearing, it is worthy of respectful and earnest attention. 

No one should ever monopolize the conversation, unless he wishes to win for himself the name of a bore. 

A well-educated and finely cultured person proclaims himself by the simplicity and terseness of his language
In conversation all provincialisms, affectations of foreign accents, mannerisms, exaggerations, and slang are detestable. 

Flippancy is as much an evidence of ill-breeding as is the perpetual smile, the wandering eye, the vacant stare, or the half-open mouth of the man who is preparing to break in upon the conversation. 

Interruption of the speech of others is a great sin against good breeding. 

Anecdotes should be sparsely introduced into a conversation, lest they become stale. Repartee must be indulged in with moderation. Puns are considered vulgar by many. 

In addressing persons with titles, one ought always to add the name; as, “What do you think, Doctor Graves?” not, “What do you think, Doctor?” 

The great secret of talking well is to adapt one’s conversation skillfully to the hearers.
In a tête-à-tête conversation, it is extremely ill-bred to drop the voice to a whisper, or to converse on private matters. 

One should never try to hide the lips in talking by putting up the hand or a fan. 

One should avoid long conversations in society with members of his own family.
If an unfinished conversation is continued after the entrance of a visitor, its import should be explained to him. 

Though bores find their account in speaking ill or well of themselves, it is the characteristic of a gentleman that he never speaks of himself at all. La Buryere says:

“The great charm of conversation consists less in the display of one’s own wit and intelligence than in the power to draw forth the resources of others; he who leaves one after a long conversation, pleased with himself and the part he has taken in the discourse, will be the other’s warmest admirer.” In society the absent-minded man is uncivil.

There are many persons who commence speaking before they know what they are going to say. The ill-natured world, which never misses an opportunity of being severe, declares them to be foolish and destitute of brains.
He who knows the world, will not be too bashful; he who knows himself, will not be imprudent.
There is no surer sign of vulgarity than the perpetual boasting of fine things at home.
One should be careful how freely he offers advice. 

If one keeps silent sometimes upon subjects of which he is known to be a judge, his silence, when from ignorance, will not discover him. 

One should not argue a point when it is possible to avoid it, but when he does argue, he should do so in a gentlemanly and dispassionate manner.
One should never notice any mistakes in the language of others. —From Practical Etiquette, 1899

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Tea and Coffee

The Flowers Personified (1847) Image by the great Parisian cartoonist J.J Grandville from his Les Fleurs Animées – his last work, originally published posthumously in 1847, the year of his death. With its mix of the satirical and poetic, the book is considered to be one of his most supreme achievements.

Tea and Coffee Flowers are Personified and Ill-Mannered in this Tale of Competition

The Coffee-flower took it into its head to make a voyage to China, for the purpose of visiting her sister, the Tea-flower. The latter received her guest with the politeness in which might be seen a slight air of superiority.   

In fact, to the Tea-flower, Coffee was but an outside barbarian, with whom she condescended to hold intercourse, notwithstanding the immense distance that separates a civilized Chinese from a foreigner, who is still sunk in the depths of ignorance. 

The Coffee-flower had too much quickness and penetration, not to understand this reception, and she had too much pride to submit to it.
"My dear," said she said to Tea, as soon as they were by themselves, "the airs which you affect, are not at all agreeable. Understand, if you please, that I do not need to be patronized, and that I am your superior in every respect." 

Never affect superiority. In the company of an inferior never let him feel his inferiority. If you invite an inferior as your guest, treat him with all the politeness and consideration you would show an equal. Assumption of superiority is the distinguishing trait of a parvenu.– E.B.Duffey

The tea flower shrugged her shoulders with disdain. "My title of nobility, "said she, "is six thousand years older than yours. It dates from the very foundation of the Chinese monarchy, the oldest of all known kingdoms."   

"And what does that prove!" said Coffee. 

"That you should treat me with deference," was the answer. 

It is proper to state, that this conversation occurred at a small lacquered table, on which stood a coffee-pot and a tea-pot. The two flowers, to keep up their rage, had frequent recourse to the stimulants which these contained. 

"You are so insipid," said Coffee, "that the Chinese themselves have been compelled to abandon you, and take to opium. You are no longer a stimulant, and a promoter of pleasant dreams– but merely a table drink, like cider and small-beer among us." 

Never directly contradict any one. Say, "I beg your pardon, but I think you are mistaken or misinformed," or some such similar phrase which shall break the weight of direct contradiction. Where the matter is unimportant it is better to let it pass without correction. – E.B.Duffey

"I have vanquished," briskly replied Tea, "a nation which has vanquished China itself. I reign in England." 

"And I, in France." 

"It was I that inspired Walter Scott and Lord Byron." 

"I nerved the wit of Moliere and Voltaire." 

"You are only a slow poison."

"And you, a mere vulgar diet-drink." 

"In the melodious murmurs of the tea kettle," said Tea, "one may fancy that he hears the spirits of the fireside sing. My color is that a fair girl's tresses. I am the Posey of the gentle and melancholy north." 

"Mine," said the Coffee-flower, "is the dusky tint of tropical maidens. Like them, I am ardent. Like some subtile fire, I course along the veins. I am the Cupid of the south."

"Thou dost consume, while I comfort." 

"No-I give strength; you only weaken."

"To me belongs the heart."

"Yes; and to me the head." 

The two flowers had become so exasperated, that they were about to pull each other's leaves. But, on further reflection, they concluded to refer their dispute to a tribunal composed equally of tea-drinkers and coffee-drinkers. This tribunal has been long in session, but has not yet agreed on a verdict.– From J.J Grandville from his Les Fleurs Animées 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia