Manners Spring from the Heart

Courtesy to older people and to women is of great importance. The absence of haste or noise in the partaking of food and the avoidance of lounging attitudes at the table, are also important.

Good Manners Leave Impression Upon Observers 

Learning Courtesy and Avoiding Rudeness in Manners is Quite Essential

A well-modulated voice in men or women and a clear-cut, distinct enunciation in speech are important facts in an agreeable personality. These can be acquired by a little practice. Courtesy to older people and to women is of great importance. The absence of haste or noise in the partaking of food and the avoidance of lounging attitudes at the table, are also important. In conversation with our fellow beings there are two well-known quotations which may be serviceable. One is: “Three things observe with care: Of whom you speak, to whom you speak, And how and when and where.” 

The other is—before repeating any unpleasant news or disagreeable gossip about any one, to ask one’s self, “Is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?” Sometimes an important statement may be true, but it is neither kind nor necessary to repeat. Sometimes it is true and not kind, and yet necessary to repeat. It is necessary to tell a woman with a baby in her arms if she is about to call at a house where there is an infectious disease, that such a condition exists within. But it is only where there is necessity to warn or where there is a possibility of helping and changing the existing conditions, that one is really justified in repeating and commenting upon the disagreeable and painful things of life. 

People who possess the refinement of good manners always leave a pleasant and stimulating impression upon those with whom they converse. Even in a brief interview in which only the ordinary events or happenings of health and weather are touched upon, the really good mannered individual whose manners spring from a good heart will find an opportunity to leave an agreeable and brightening effect. Dig deep in your heart first, young man, then call your brains, your memory, your powers of observation to bear upon life, and you will need no book of etiquette to direct you, although it may not harm you to read one. – Los Angeles Herald, 1915

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Life's Best Etiquette Teacher

Perhaps the most frequent, and at the same time most annoying breach of etiquette to the hostess, is the failure to reply promptly to invitations extended. The receiver seems to think that if the acceptance reaches the house the day of the entertainment that is sufficient, and yet a little reflection should convince the most thoughtless of the inconvenience of such replies to a hostess. – Photo source, Pinterest

Pupils in the School of Society

THE school of society is reckoned as, perhaps, the best place for learning all the little courtesies and etiquette that make up the well-bred man or woman. Ease, tact and charm are gained in the constant gilt-edged intercourse with the refinements of life, and the companionship of accomplished members of society. A cultured, gracious woman diffuses an atmosphere of refinement around her that is unconsciously absorbed by others less gifted in her arts of entertainment. Self-possession is developed in the drawing room, at the banquet board and in the mazes of the cotillon. 

Conversational powers increase by constant association with brilliant talkers. In proportion as “evil communications corrupt good manners” does the mingling with genuine “ladies” and “gentlemen” in the accepted terms of the words refine and polish even the most-crude and boorish climbers in the social realm. Timidity, that awful bane of youths and maidens just entering upon their social careers, is quickly and effectively cured in the merry company of tactful associates. When Belinda's blushes are pronounced lovely they cease to pain her, and when John's faltering speeches meet with sympathetic appreciation and encouraging smiles, he no longer hesitates, but forgets himself in the eyes of his charming companion. 

Undoubtedly this training school for manners is a wholesome and beneficial institution, which should receive justice for its advantages to the human family. But it should always be the care and desire of its members and followers to keep a high standard of politeness; not forgetting, as is ofttimes the temptation, the simple but comprehensive Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” The mother of one of the most popular belles who has ever reigned in this city, says the San Antonio Express, was asked what was her method employed in investing her daughter with the gracious and engaging personality for which she was noted. “My precept to my daughter was that to move in society one must, first of all, be absolutely unselfish and forgetful of self,” replied the mother, who had practiced as well as preached this beautiful theory. And indeed her counsel may well be taken to heart by each and everyone. 

Society is meant to be enjoyed, forsooth, not made a business of, and taken too seriously, but never to be enjoyed at the expense of another's feelings. “Laugh and the world laughs with you,” if the joke is a kindly and jovial one. Then, too, one should not grow careless in the points of courtesy that require punctilious attention, as is sometimes the case, even with the most careful. Perhaps the most frequent, and at the same time most annoying breach of etiquette to the hostess, is the failure to reply promptly to invitations extended. The receiver seems to think that if the acceptance reaches the house the day of the entertainment that is sufficient, and yet a little reflection should convince the most thoughtless of the inconvenience of such replies to a hostess. 

Especially is this true in regard to dinners, luncheons and card parties, where an exact number is to be accommodated and the desired number filled in if the regrets and acceptances come soon enough for an accurate estimate. With receptions and dances, the answer is almost as imperative, as 200 invited guests must be provided for, unless informed to the contrary. How often has a man’s slowness in response caused an anxious heartache to a girl whose chance of going is dependent on his acceptance. A struggle against thoughtless selfishness should be the aim of every well-bred man and woman. – Los Angeles Herald, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Behavior in Worship

If refined social manners are essential in the home, they are equally important in the house of God. 

Photo source, Pinterest 

Rev. Frank Dewitt Talmage Discourses Upon Manners

Rev. Frank DeWltt Talmage delivered a sermon yesterday upon “Church Manners,” taking his text from I Timothy 3:15, “That thou mayest know how thou oughtest to behave thyself in the house of God.” His discourse was a good-natured rebuke to the lack of decorum among worshipers and a plea for certain reasonable etiquette In the church. He said in part:

“Are you a parent? Have you ever dressed up your little children and sent them forth alone to visit, when they were about ten or twelve years of age? Then you have known the anxieties of a mother or father as to their social behavior.

“Before they go, you say: ‘Now, son, be careful about : your manners. When you enter Mrs. So and So’s home take off your hat and place it upon the hall rack. Be careful and don't handle the vases in the parlor, and don’t squirm on your chair. When you are at dinner, be sure and keep your hands off the table, and don’t spill the food upon the table cloth, and don’t ask for a second helping of anything, or talk with your. mouth full. When Mrs. So and So passes you a plate, say “Thank you.” Remember, my boy, that your mother's home is to be judged by your table manners.

“When that child leaves the house, your mind follows him and stays with him all day long. And oh, the pride that sweeps into the parental heart when, next day, you meet your friend, at whose home your little children dined, and she congratulates you in these words: ‘We had such a lovely children’s party yesterday. And Mrs. So and So, I want to tell you how well your children behaved. Your boy was a perfect little gentleman, and your daughter a little lady.’ Ah, such congratulation as that is as a sweet savor to the maternal heart.

“If refined social manners are essential in the home, they are equally important in the house of God. So essential are they to a consecrated Christian life that Paul wrote a long epistle to his young lieutenant, Timothy, concerning them. In this letter, wherein are found the words of the text, the great apostle tells how bishops and their wives should act, and also how deacons and deacons’ wives.

“But today, instead of my showing how our ministers and church officers should behave in the house of God, I would preach a sermon on church manners directly to the pew. I would try to inculcate the reverential spirit with which our congregations should assemble for worship.

“I would try to teach this reverence, because more and more in this irreverent age there is a tendency to look upon church buildings as places fitted for secular enjoyments, rather than as sanctuaries consecrated to the presence of Jesus Christ.

“The Lord loveth the gates of Zion more than all the dwellings of Jacob. No man ought to place foot in God's sanctuary unless he can do it with the solemn feeling of Habakkuk, who declared: ‘The Lord is in his holy temple, let all the earth keep silence before him.’”– Los Angeles Herald, 1905

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Edwardian Table Manners in England

Oyster forks in the Delmonico pattern – “Oysters are another puzzle in eating. I have often seen young ladies, who from their actions one might judge to be dining out for the first time, try to cut the bivalve in half; and sometimes the results would be very amusing. Oysters should, of course, be eaten whole, balanced on a fork. Then again, thoughtless people will often smother said food in cayenne pepper and nearly choke themselves when trying to digest it.” 

He had been a waiter in a smart West End hotel, London, and had come to Los Angeles, California, for his health. “Speaking of manners,” he said, pointing to an article in a recent woman’s magazine upon that subject while we were eating at the same table in the Vegetarian Cafe, “it is queer the atrocious manners people, even in so-called polite society, exhibit in public, especially at the public dining table.” 

“Apropos of what are your remarks” we inquired timidly. “So far as my experience goes,” he went on, “I have seen a great deal of bad manners in waiting on public dining-tables in London, some through ignorance of table etiquette; others because they were careless of the laws governing table politeness. He lifted up his eyes in a somewhat critical way. 

“For instance both asparagus and Indian corn should be eaten with the fingers. I have often seen such tackled with knife and fork. Of course, this is not a crime, but how embarrassing it made those thus misusing the knife to discover their fellow-diners using their fingers. What to do with the knife they knew not! They could not very well lay it back on the table and to leave it on the plate would cause them to be minus what they would need for the next course. In such cases, I have often mercifully removed the used tools and supplied clean ones in their place. Of course, I was usually tipped for my trouble. 

“Again, olives are usually a puzzle to diners. These should be taken in the fingers from the dish, and eaten between courses. I have seen amateur diners-out place them on the plate with whatever dish they were eating, and frantically strive to cut them into pieces with a knife; and often the olive flies off into a neighbor’s lap. Tipping one’s soup plate toward one is a common error. It should be tipped away from the eater. 

“Oysters are another puzzle in eating. I have often seen young ladies, who from their actions one might judge to be dining out for the first time, try to cut the bivalve in half; and sometimes the results would be very amusing. Oysters should, of course, be eaten whole, balanced on a fork. Then again, thoughtless people will often smother said food in cayenne pepper and nearly choke themselves when trying to digest it. 

“Then there is the finger-bowl. One would think that this was such a common thing that people knew what it was for. But I saw one man at a hunt dinner in a country house in England actually pick up the bowl and drink the water therefrom, to the great astonishment of the other guests.”– Los Angeles Herald, 1908

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Mistaken “Ideas of Etiquette”

I know one woman of exceedingly modest menage who labors under the delusion that her growing social importance demands that her good-byes must be said in her parlor, even if the has no other guest at the time! Both common sense and courtesy surely demand that the solitary guest should be escorted to the door by her hostess— and even to the front gate if there be one. 

Again, it is surprising how many mistaken ideas of etiquette have gained currency among people, who, while not “in society,” certainly ought to know better. For instance, in churches, you often see the occupant of the end of a pew next the aisle putting his own collection into the plate before passing it on. This is quite wrong; he should pass it first and add his own contribution last. Again, take the question of “seeing a friend to the door.”

I know one woman of exceedingly modest menage who labors under the delusion that her growing social importance demands that her good-byes must be said in her parlor, even if the has no other guest at the time! Both common sense and courtesy surely demand that the solitary guest should be escorted to the door by her hostess— and even to the front gate if there be one. A large establishment with servants waiting in the hall— a drawing room full of guests, or a man caller— make it right for the hostess to remain in the drawing room, but in the absence of these conditions she must assuredly escort her guest herself, if she has no daughters to do it for her.

I once heard a man criticized because he was sufficiently courteous to pull out his fellow boarders chair at table before she sat down and later helped her on with her coat — this without previous acquaintance except, the usual conversation and courtesies of a small boarding house table of six. Of, course he was right — and showed not only his good breeding but his knowledge of the world. It is only the man who cannot be courteous without being familiar, who cannot help a woman with her coat without giving a suggestion of “tucking” her into it — it is only this kind of a man who need fear a snub on such an occasion from a well-bred woman.

In answer to the every day apology, “I beg your pardon” — many persons are wont to reply “certainly”— or more vaguely “not at all.” Both answers are out of place –the first, because it implies that pardon was needed; the second—because it means absolutely nothing. “Don't mention it” is the proper answer, although punctilious people are still heard to reply in courteous tones “The fault was mine.” If you do not hear aright a question asked you, do not ask “What is it?” Say, “Excuse me?” Or, colloquially, “I did not catch that.” If someone comes to ask you something never bluntly demand “What do you want?” Rather say “What can I do for you?” Do not say plain “yes or no,” nor embellish your conversation with “yes sir” and “no ma'am.” “Yes indeed,” “no, I think not” are preferable. – Los Angeles Herald, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Manners Simplified

The little courtesy of suggesting to an interested acquaintance that you will be glad to see him in your own home, can not be improper. It offers dignified hospitality and suggests friendly good will, so it is kind. It is surely in better taste to meet your friends in your home than at dances or public entertainments of any sort. 

MANNERS are the gracious way of doing things. No better rule for “good form” and “etiquette” can ever be evolved than this simple little statement. Kind hearted people have the first asset toward good manners. If they govern their kindly impulses by good taste and common sense, they are sure to act in a manner that far exceeds “the proper thing” in human value. 

Take the simple question of whether a girl shall ask a man to call on her or not. The little courtesy of suggesting to an interested acquaintance that you will be glad to see him in your own home, can not be improper. It offers dignified hospitality and suggests friendly good will, so it is kind. It is surely in better taste to meet your friends in your home than at dances or public entertainments of any sort. 

And common sense ought to indicate to any girl whether a man is sufficiently interested in her to want the opportunity of seeing her again or not. For most of any question where you doubt the certainty as to what is the proper thing to do, just apply kindness, common sense and good taste. And you will be as well off as if you had studied manners in a finishing school or a book of etiquette. – By Beatrice Fairfax, 1916

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Hospitality at Home

A story is told of an old lady inclined to be stingy, who was anxious to make a great show of hospitality at a small cost. In measured, even tones she would ask her guest, “Would you like a glass of wine?”— then— with brightening countenance— whisper confidentially, “Or would you rather not?” It is safe to assume that in nine cases out of ten the guests said they would “rather not.” 

Hospitality does not consist in inveigling your friends into your house and then making them beg for ordinary comforts. Do not, for instance, ask your guests if they would like hot water brought to their rooms, or if they object to being put on the fourth floor (the daughters of the house, complacently occupying the lower rooms). Have hot water taken into the guest chamber as a matter of course, and, if your daughter happens to occupy the only spacious and convenient room in the house — as is so often the case— have her vacate in favor of your guest. These are the barest elements of hospitality, but even these, alas, are more often honored in the breach than in the observance. 

A story is told of an old lady inclined to be stingy, who was anxious to make a great show of hospitality at a small cost. In measured, even tones she would ask her guest, “Would you like a glass of wine?”— then— with brightening countenance— whisper confidentially, “Or would you rather not?” It is safe to assume that in nine cases out of ten the guests said they would “rather not.” Another breach of good manners is observed in houses where they announce, “We never entertain our guests, we leave them to entertain themselves.” Quite apart from the fact that this is often only too obvious to the guest, this species of host and hostess should remember that at least some means should be provided whereby the guests can entertain themselves. 

Turn your guests loose in your library, let them go to their rooms and write letters, permit them to visit surrounding places of interest at their own sweet will. All this is common sense— but defend us from the hospitality which places us in a chair adrift from a friendly magazine or book, and compels us to listen to family gossip — which we cannot understand— and domestic discussions into which we cannot enter. “In honor preferring one another”— that's the whole secret. – Los Angeles Herald, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette of Who Enters First

 “The woman should enter first undoubtedly,” insists one. “Not at all,” snaps someone else — “the man always goes first to find the seat.” They are both right and they are both wrong. 

IT is surprising how many people— well born and presumably well bred— are guilty of the most flagrant breaches of good manners time after time, and it is still more surprising how many mistaken ideas of etiquette have gained currency among people, who, while not “in society”— as the phrase goes — certainly ought to know better. For example, there is, the question of who should precede when entering a restaurant, church or theatre, a girl or her escort. “The woman should enter first undoubtedly,” insists one. “Not at all,” snaps someone else — “the man always goes first to find the seat.” They are both right and they are both wrong. 

Circumstance is the sole guide to the etiquette of the individual case. I have seen a girl advancing up a restaurant casting glances from one side to the other as she looked for a seat, her escort meanwhile sauntering at leisure behind her. On the other hand, I have seem ushers, both in the theatre and at church, gravely bowing the man into the seat while the girl whom he presumably escorted, followed humbly in the rear. The general rule, however, is as follows: If waiters or ushers are at hand, ready to show the way to a seat the woman must enter first. If, on the contrary, no one is to be seen to lead the way, then the man must enter first, walking slowly, not too far in advance of the woman he is escorting. But it must be obvious that the “hunting seats” is being done by him and not by her. – Los Angeles Herald, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette Weighed Over Dieters

“I am sorry to appear inhospitable, but my housekeeper and cook cannot arrange to cater for any guest who is obliged to diet” – The Duchess of Marlborough 

Dieting Fad has Become an Etiquette Trial: Some Physical Culturistes are Nuisances and

Hostesses Grow Weary with the Lack of Manners

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Some Announce Their Servants Cannot Arrange to Cater for Cranky Guests

Special Cable from LONDON— So great a trial has the dieting fad become that a number of well known English and American hostesses here have put their heads together, and have changed etiquette and drawn up a paragraph which is printed and sent out with invitations for week ends or otherwise to country houses. It runs thus: “I am sorry to appear inhospitable, but my housekeeper and cook cannot arrange to cater for any guest who is obliged to diet”

The truth is, for months past, the food faddist and the follower of the simpler life have given no end of trouble in other people's houses, and servants, who are all autocrats in these days, have decided that they won't put up any longer with the one or the other. Were the food faddists all to take the same menus, they might be tolerated, but it involves complications to feed at the same table the carnivorous, graminivorous and frugivorous.

The young Duchess of Marlborough is known among her friends for her extreme good nature, and the story is told against her that recently at Blenheim she had no fewer than nine “cranks” sitting at her table, each of whom had to be supplied with a totally different class of food. One thrived upon a monkey-like repast of nuts and raisins; another devoured Grapenuts and cream, a third swallowed quarts of boiling water with semi-cooked minced beef, a fourth was convinced that death lurked for her in anything which contained starch and sugar. Another, sipped fearful and wonderful concoctions in which vegetables had been stewed, and so on. Is it any wonder that, even the Duchess’ good nature gave way? – The Los Angeles Herald, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Emily Post’s 1940s Motoring Manners

“A courteous lady will not ‘scold’ others with a horn any more than she would act like a ‘fishwife’ at a party... An honorable man would no more cheat a red light or stop sign than he would cheat at games or sports.”

Tips on Touring

I enjoyed Emily Post’s book on “Motor Manners” so much, that I dropped around to see her the other day and came away with these etiquette tips. 

For men: “The horn should never be used to announce arrival or to call someone to the car. A gentleman will not tune the radio or light the cigarette of a lady beside him as it distracts his attention from the road. An honorable man would no more cheat a red light or stop sign than he would cheat at games or sports.”

For women: “Shorts are permissible attire when driving, with a skirt to be whisked on when propriety demands. A courteous lady will not ‘scold’ others with a horn any more than she would act like a ‘fishwife’ at a party. Heavily veiled hats or obtrusive scarves obstruct vision, are as out of place in motoring as boots in a ballroom.” 

For everyone: ‘‘Obeyance of traffic rules is the best definition of motoring courtesy. Bad manners on the road all too often result in murder. The motorist’s continual application of the Golden Rule will make the use of streets and highways safer and more enjoyable.” – 

By Carol Lane, Women’s Travel Authority, 1949

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

1920s Dinner Party Manners

At dinner, host or guest, one can surely practice the little graces that represent good breeding. In offering the following suggestions, most of them will probably meet with inward exclamations of aggrieved protest from the readers, but yet they are the commonest errors and simplest corrections.
Photo source, Pinterest 

This is a busy world—too busy for the common courtesies at times. How often do we catch ourselves, after a real or fancied “break” in etiquette, hanging the full blame on the excuse of absent-mindedness. However, at dinner, host or guest, one can surely practice the little graces that represent good breeding. In offering the following suggestions, most of them will probably meet with inward exclamations of aggrieved protest from the readers, but yet they are the commonest errors and simplest corrections. Here are a few “don’ts”. 

• Do not sit with elbow on the table. 
• Do not toy with food or tuck the napkin under the chin or fold it when finishing eating in a public eating house. 
• Do not mash food with a fork or comment on food at a dinner party. 
• Do not stir liquids more than a second or two, and after using any of the silver for your food, knife or spoon, do not retain it in your hand, but lay it on the table. 
• Do not throw out elbows while eating and do not lounge slouchily in your chair. 
• Of course, following the party it is courteous to thank the hostess for her hospitality, but it is both awkward and unnecessary to repeat such to the host. 

It is one of the prettiest and most thoughtful of graces to rise when someone is taking leave of you, and in doing so lay the napkin on the table. As to the napkin itself, unfold just once when you take your place at table, and lay it lengthwise across your lap. If you expect to use it again, fold it when rising from your place after the meal. Sit erect at the table, keep your hands in your lap between courses and sit quietly. When eating use the fork with the right hand, and you may, without being accused of gluttony, partake of each course. Eat crackers broken in small bits, the same as bread, and the best table etiquette decries the habit of breaking crackers into the bowl when taking soup. 

When leaving the house after the party, it is correct to take leave of both host and hostess. Careful hostesses arrange chairs a slight distance from the table. It is more graceful and makes the matter of seating guests an easier affair. It is allowable to place the bread and butter on the plates except at dinners, when it should be passed as needed. Or a crisp dinner roll may be folded in the dinner napkin. The host should allow all guests to precede him from the dining room. The careful and thoughtful hostess will inform her guests, in an unobtrusive manner, whether or not the dinner is to be formal or the reverse. 

Since a dinner invitation is the highest compliment that can be paid a guest, it is the guest’s duty to repay the hostess by proper dressing for the occasion and assist in making things go smoothly. Whenever there is any doubt as to the best way to do a thing, it is wise to follow that which is the most natural, and that will almost invariably be proper etiquette. To be at ease is a great big step toward enjoying your own dinner, and making yourself agreeable to the company. Finally, when rising from your chair at table, leave it where it stands. This trifling data sounds absurdly simple, doesn’t it? Yet a review is bound to suggest some point or another that you may have forgotten.– Florence Austin Chase, 1928

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Gilded Age “High Handshake”

The 1890’s had the “high handshake,” and by the 1970’s in the U.S., we had the “high five.” According to TIME Magazine, in 2014, a Missouri State Representative wanted to make the “high-five” the state’s official greeting. So entrenched is the hand slapping “hello” in American culture, there is now a National High Five Day. There is also an International High Five Day, however air kisses, handshakes and bowing are much more accepted as the norms of etiquette in greetings worldwide, especially in social and business situations in which American culture is deemed too lax or informal.
– photo source, TIME

Greeting No Longer Consists of “Feigned Blow at Nose of Friend”

A higher handshake than the norm, as illustrated in Puck

 – Photo source, Library of Congress 

Etiquette has been defined as “the oil that makes the wheels of society run smoothly,” and no one will deny that a reasonably fixed code of social observance is useful and even necessary. But how deliciously funny some of our customs are! One of the most absurd of these, the “high handshake,” is to be chronicled, thankfully, as rapidly becoming obsolete. It has for several years been the absurdest burlesque of friendly greeting. 

The custom of shaking hands in token of cordial feeling had its origin in the ancient habit of kissing the hand of one’s superiors in rank in token of fealty or respect. Gradually, the handclasp of equals was evolved from the ceremony and has continued in favor. Our grandfathers’ graceful habit of kissing the hands of the women they wished to honor, passed into disuse with their other courtly manners when their picturesque costume of silk hose, buckled shoes, velvet and lace ruffles, was abandoned for the severities of their modern garb. 

There is an “eternal fitness” even in small matters, and the simple handshake seemed more in consonance with the simple dress of this century. The “high handshake” in which the hands are extended to a level with one’s nose and there grasped with a single movement as if to avert a blow, can claim affinity only with the clown’s “motley.” A glad farewell! – Los Angeles Herald, 1897

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Panache

 “The art of being a gentleman cannot, of course, be acquired by mere training. There are essential to the completeness of the character some inborn traits, and yet it is quite possible for men who do not possess them to pass for gentlemen, because they have mastered the rules of deportment.” 
Photo source, Pinterest

“There is nothing so common in all the world as the meeting of people every day, and yet there is nothing so really uncommon and rare as the man who knows just how to conduct himself under these circumstances.” This was the dictum of the manager of a Chicago dancing academy. He has made the study not only of bad etiquette, but general deportment, the specialty of his life, and has devoted so much conscientious attention to it that he is regarded as an authority upon the nice points of conduct by all who know him. “The art of being a gentleman cannot, of course, be acquired by mere training. There are essential to the completeness of the character some inborn traits, and yet it is quite possible for men who do not possess them to pass for gentlemen, because they have mastered the rules of deportment.” 

“Are the rules of deportment set down in the text books?” “No. There are books on etiquette, but the matters I refer to are seldom to be found in them, at least, with any adequate treatment. I usually give my instructions by word of mouth or by example.” “Do you ever have pupils who come to you for the express purpose of learning deportment?” “Very many, and they vary in ages from little children of six years up to fat men of fifty. It is by no means uncommon that a man past middle age comes to take his first lesson to learn how to carry himself in the street or in the car. It is a curious speculation as to what leads them at that time of life to take up this study. It would seem as if anybody who was inclined to attend to it at all, would surely have done so in his younger days, and I really suspect that my middle-aged pupils are parvenus. I do not mean to use the word in the disagreeable sense, and, in fact, I think that it is very commendable that a man who has suddenly acquired wealth, or had gained some years of leisure by hard labor, should undertake to fit himself, as well as may be for his new position in the world.” 

“How do you go to work to teach an old man these matters?” “Just as I do with the children. I teach them first to walk. As a rule, men walk best when they walk naturally, but when they come to pay particular attention to matters of gait and carriage they are almost always inclined to some eccentricities of movement which have to be corrected. It is always the case, too, that men who come to me wish to learn to dance, and I put them through the initial lessons with a view to cultivating two things, grace of carriage, which includes an easy, unconscious control of the limbs and the technical figures of the dance. As the lessons progress of course, I teach the pupil etiquette of the ball room, and it will generally follow that whoever behaves in good form in the ball-room, will not go amiss elsewhere.” 

The correct “new” bow for 1888 

“Is there a recognized mode of bowing?” “Yes; there are two. One, that has really passed out of recognition, is still seen in the case of gentlemen of the old school, as we term them. Their method of bowing is a relic of the minuet, and if you have ever seen that beautiful dance you will remember it. The gentleman places his right hand upon his heart and bends over very low, and, as I say, only gentlemen of the old school, or persons who do not know any better and ape manners with which they are not familiar, adopt this method. The bow of to-day is a far less conspicuous movement. The hands should be kept at the side with the arms straight. People who are conscious of their arms and hands probably will never learn to bow correctly, and those who have become self possessed in matters of carriage can usually keep their arms at their sides without their appearing to be stiff or in the way. With the arms at the sides, the bow of to-day should be made by a slight inclination of the head. There should be just enough of this forward movement to be perceptible and no more, for there would be danger of a burlesque of the form of recognition.” 

“Is this method of bowing the right one to be used when being presented to a lady either in the ball room or in the parlor?” “Yes, there is only one form. When you are presented to a lady you should make this respectful inclination and make no advance whatever unless she gives the cue to it. The custom of shaking hands is not by any means reprehensible, but it is not considered the proper thing for a gentleman to offer his hand to a lady unless she makes it evident that she is willing to receive the greeting. Those who are well trained in deportment can meet each other in a formal way and shake hands without any embarrassing pause, or they do it so quickly, do they see what is the proper thing to do. The lady does not bow in the ceremony of introduction. Her greeting is entirely with the expression of her face, unless she chooses to shake hands. There is no rule to say whether she shall do so or not excepting that at very formal receptions that feature is to be avoided. When there are a great number of persons to be introduced to, unless the guest is a distinguished person, it is better to avoid the fatigue and annoyance that results from shaking hands. But in a private introduction there is no reason of etiquette why she should not grant that favor to any gentleman whom she meets for the first time.” 

‘‘Is there no recognized form of greeting a lady upon the street?” ‘‘Yes. Your well-trained gentleman will always lift his hat. If you were to go out upon a public promenade and watch the people as they pass, you may probably see a hundred different ways by which the gentlemen in the throng greet their lady friends. Some men simply bow, some make an off hand salutation with the arm without touching the hat. Others put their fingers to the rims of their hats, others tip the hat a little forward over their eyes without really removing it from their heads, and from this there are all degrees to that absurd practice that prevailed a few years ago of taking the hat off and rapping the chest with it. This was a silly fad, and is happily entirely gone out of style. The law of all deportment, whether in the ballroom, the parlor, the street, or on the stage, is that no gesture should be made in such a way as to hide the face behind the arm or hand. Therefore, if milady approach you upon your right hand side, you should lift the hat with the left hand. 

“Some men seem to have the idea that it is very bad form to salute with the left hand. As a fact it is much worse to pull up the right, and thus conceal your face or partially hide it from the party whom you meet. There is another matter about this recognizing of ladies and friends upon the street. When you are upon a public promenade, where you are liable to meet your friends several times in the course of a walk passing back and forward, it is not necessary to raise the hat to them more than once. If you tip the hat every time you meet the lady in the same day it becomes an exaggerated recognition, so that its respectful quality is lost. Raising the hat the first time you meet your friend is like passing the time of day, and after that it is much belter simply to bow slightly or even to smile.” 

Is he a parvenu? Is he “new money?” Does he not know this is not the proper way to sit? – “The worst you can do when seated is to cross your legs in an ungainly fashion. A general rule to follow in such a matter as this is to avoid making the legs conspicuous. It is such the best plan, therefore, to sit with both your feet squarely upon the floor and close together. Your hands may be occupied according to circumstances.”  

“Do you ever have to teach men the proper method of sitting in chairs?” “Yes, that is an important matter and one that displays a man's bad breeding about as quickly as anything. The worst you can do when seated is to cross your legs in an ungainly fashion. A general rule to follow in such a matter as this is to avoid making the legs conspicuous. It is such the best plan, therefore, to sit with both your feet squarely upon the floor and close together. Your hands may be occupied according to circumstances. And if you are listening or merely waiting, they had better be laid upon the lap without being folded.– Chicago Herald, 1889

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

American Etiquette Explained in Japan

Learning to fit into any foreign social or work culture, especially with a new language and/or ancient customs, has never been really easy. The article below, from 1961, encouraged Japanese to try to get to know the Americans living among them, along with their uniquely American social customs. Nowadays, according to a 2019 Japan Times article on those hoping to move to and work in Japan, with questions on their limited proficiency in the language, getting to know new neighbors is not part of the equation. Earning a certificate is all important in most careers : “With the exception of certain specialized positions, you’ll need to speak Japanese pretty well, with Japanese Language Proficiency Test Level 2 certification (N2) being a commonly-used benchmark.” 

– Photo source, Japan Times

The following is reprinted from Koryu Magazine, the U.S. published magazine in Japan. The quality of bashfulness or shyness is one frequently found throughout the world. Many people suffer real mental pain when called upon to take part in a group, especially if it be one of differing habits and customs. This shyness affects many Japanese who are invited to join groups made up predominantly of Americans, either in their homes or in public. As a result, many fail to take advantage of the sincere change student who graduated them by Americans who would like to know Japanese; they feel that they might make blunders or commit errors in the etiquette that would embarrass them. 

Should you, as an individual or a member of a group, be invited to a gathering of Americans or to a home, the first rule might be, don’t be bashful. You are really welcomed or you wouldn’t have been invited. Americans realize that the English language is difficult for you to speak but they will make a real effort to understand you, so try to converse with as many people as possible.

Introductions play a large part in American social contacts. When two people are talking together and a third, whom one of them knows, approaches, it is customary to introduce the newcomer to the person he does not know. A gentleman is always introduced to a lady; a man of lower rank to one of higher rank; a younger man to an older. It’s considered rude to reverse this. 

The proper form of introduction is, ‘‘Mrs. (Jones) may I present Mr. (Goto).’’ And Mr. Goto says, “How do you do, Mrs. Jones.” That’s all there is to it. It’s a good idea to repeat the name so you will remember it — people dislike having others forget their names. If Mrs. Jones is sitting down, she does not stand up. She may offer her hand to Mr. Goto in which case he will shake hands with her, very briefly. If she does not offer to shake hands, he does not offer his hand to her. 

The general rule is that a gentleman stands up when he is introduced to, or is speaking to a lady or a man older or of higher rank than himself; a lady does not stand up to be introduced to a man nor to another lady. An elderly man of high position might not stand up if he were introduced to a very young girl; it is not necessary but it is often done. But a young girl would properly stand if she were introduced to a high official. 

The introduction can be a most trying experience or it can establish a good friendship, depending upon the people concerned. Often a polite person will say, after he has introduced two people, ‘‘Mr. Goto, I think you and Mrs. Jones will have much in common because she is studying Japanese very hard,” or he will make some other appropriate remark which which will start the two new acquaintances talking about something that interest both. If the introducer fails to do this, either one of the people being introduced should do so, commenting upon the party, about the length of time your American friend has been in Japan or some other topic that will initiate a conversation. 

An elderly man or one of high rank should be addressed as “sir”; a woman by her name. This is enough to remember. Conversation is the basis of social intercourse. It is your responsibility to see that a conversation is kept alive by doing your share of the talking. But several things should not be discussed, principally, politics and religion. These are topics that too frequently lead to dispute and argument, neither of which are appropriate at social functions. Attempt to interest your conversational partner and try to meet more Americans ― they sincerely want to meet you but you must help them. – Shin Nichibei, 1961

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Chopstick or Hashi Etiquette

The following set of instructions is supplied by an expert in the field. He’s the proprietor of a popular Chinese restaurant in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Since Chinese chopsticks are a bit more difficult to use, are bigger, and have a lacquered surface, if you can master them, the Japanese throwaway type you will find in most of Little Tokyo should be simple for you to manage. 

How do you identify an amateur chopstick or hashi user in a Little Tokyo restaurant? His head keeps moving closer to the plate. All Caucasians seem to think that handling these wooden sticks is as easy as signing their names on credit cards. In actuality, it calls for a bit of skill. So today, for the benefit of you readers who must stab your food with your chopsticks in order not to go hungry for lack of proper skill, we are going to give you a free lesson in etiquette. 

The following set of instructions is supplied by an expert in the field. He’s the proprietor of a popular Chinese restaurant in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Since Chinese chopsticks are a bit more difficult to use, are bigger, and have a lacquered surface, if you can master them, the Japanese throwaway type you will find in most of Little Tokyo should be simple for you to manage. According to our expert, here is the proper technique in numerical order: 

1. Put one chopstick at right angle to right hand, nesting it in crotch of thumb.
2. Put third finger right, hand against it. This stick never moves.
3. Take up second chopstick in right hand the way you hold a pencil.  
4. Ready? Set? Manipulate!

The traditional test is whether or not you can pick up a raw quail’s egg from a bowl of soup. A more practical test, however, is whether or not you eat. Since the Chinese are close neighbors to us here in Los Angele’s Little Tokyo (Los Angeles’ Chinatown is only a few blocks north) here are a few other items concerning the Chinese and chopsticks you may find interesting:

• During a time of mourning, for example, chopsticks are taboo. The prestige of the diseased rises in proportion to the number of mourners who eat with their fingers.  

• Laying chopsticks across your bowl is an indication that you are through eating. If you go to Chinatown, beware. Don’t rest until you finish.  

• Also, any number of secret messages can be sent with chopsticks such as, “Family Hold Back,” “pass the egg foo yung” or “you spilled some mustard on your coat.” – Shin Nichibei, 1964

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Japan’s “Bride’s Schools”

In post-WWII Japan, the Red Cross ran popular “brides’ schools” to help ease with the transition from being young, Japanese women to GI brides, before marrying and moving away from their home country. The women were taught not only American etiquette, but Canadian, and any other etiquette, if needed. The Red Cross gave instruction on how to make beds, bake cakes, deal with American in-laws, how to wear makeup and the art of walking in high heels. According to writer, Kathryn Tolbert, the daughter of a Japanese bride and U.S. serviceman, her mother was one of many in Japan, who wanted something more from their lives after WWII. Said Tolbert, in a 2016 article, that after meeting her future husband on a streetcar, a relationship began: “She told him she worked at the PX. He started showing up there to talk to her and ask her out. She turned him down, but he kept asking. Japanese men, the war brides recount, rarely pressed their luck after being rebuffed. American men? Extremely persistent. These ardent Americans also brought presents the Japanese could not afford or had never seen before — chocolate, dresses from Sears Roebuck or Montgomery Ward and even Spam, a culinary oddity... American chivalry, the notion of ‘ladies first,’ also enchanted Japanese women. War brides almost universally say ‘he was such a gentleman’ to describe their American suitors.” 

Photo source, Stars and Stripes.com 

In-Law Problem and Table Etiquette 

Aired by Gl Wife 

TOKYO, Dec. 14—INS—Thirty months in the United States have given the Japanese wife of an American marine some new notions about mothers-in-law. “Don't be afraid of them.” she says. “Talk back to them.” That’s the advice of Mrs. Tatsuko Chambers after spending two-and-one-half years in Denver, Colorado, with her husband, Marine Sgt. Cleo M. Chambers. Mrs. Chambers told a group of Japanese girls married to American servicemen and attending the Yokosuka Brides’ School near Tokyo:

“In Japan a woman cannot talk back to her husband’s mother, even if the mother-in-law is wrong. But in America, the Japanese bride must learn not to be afraid to talk back to her mother-in-law.” Mrs. Chambers also offered the brides a tip on how not to go hungry at American dinner tables : “In Japan, it is considered polite to refuse an offer of food at the dining table at least once. If you refuse food when an American offers it, it won’t be offered again.” – Shin Nichibei, 1957

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Japanese Table Etiquette

Japanese food is usually cut up conveniently for eating, so a knife is not necessary. 

Photo source, Tumblr

On the whole, this is the same as for foreign meals, but the following points should be noted...

• 1) When various dishes appear together, for example miso-soup, clear soup, chawanmushi (steamed egg and fish or meat), the hot things should be partaken of first. 
• 2) The lids of bowls containing hot things are somewhat difficult to remove, owing to the steam inside, so the bowl must be held firmly, and then the lid may be easily taken off, and put upside down on the table. 
• 3) Japanese food is usually cut up conveniently for eating, so a knife is not necessary. 
• 4) Chopsticks—One of the two chopsticks is held between the first and second fingers, and moved, the other chopstick is held between the thumb and third finger. 
• 5) The vessel is taken up in the right hand, placed in the palm of the left, and the food is eaten with the right hand holding the chopsticks. 
• 6) When the meal is over, all lids must be replaced. 
• 7) When chopsticks are taken from an envelope, they should be put back in it after use. 
• 8) When no more wine is desired, the cup should be placed on the stand upside down. –Shin Nichibei, 1954 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

As Eastern Slurps Met Western Soup

Yukio Mishima (三島 由紀夫 Mishima Yukio) was the pen name of Kimitake Hiraoka , a Japanese author, poet, playwright, Japanese nationalist, and founder of the “Tatenokai,” or Shield Society. The Tatenokai was a private militia in Japan, which was dedicated to traditional Japanese values and veneration of the Emperor. It was founded and led by Mishima, considered one of the most influential Japanese authors of the 20th century. After WWII, “lamenting the rise of Coca-Cola in Japan, General Douglas McArthur, and the dimming glow of the Emperor's sun,” Mishima longed for the olden days of “bushido” –– a time when nationalism, honor and dignity seemed so effortlessly bound together. He committed suicide in 1970 after a failed attempt to overthrow the post-war, Japanese government.

Japan’s Top Novelist Frowns on Western Etiquette, Says Slurping of Soup Okay

An Atlanta Georgia ramen restaurant display to order one’s soup from 

TOKYO, Jan. 1 — Slurp your soup and prove you are no social sheep. So advises Yukio Mishima, one of Japan’s most popular postwar novelists. “Amidst a quiet first class restaurant,” Mishima admits, “it requires social courage.” The 33-year old author frowns on efforts-to cram Western table manners down Japanese throats. “Never to make noise when you have soup,” he argues, “is to force Western etiquette on the Japanese who have been used to noisily slurping soybean soup and tea since childhood.” And girls, he argues, are too easily influenced by books on superficial etiquette. 

He quotes a confession appearing in a women’s magazine: “The first time I went out with him to dine, my boy friend started sipping soup with the ‘z-z-zhu’ sound as if he were swallowing a bowl of noodles down his throat. Instantly I felt sick physiologically . . . since then I’ve had no affection for him.” Mishima says such confessions usually appear in women’s magazines under special subjects as “Delicacy of Love Psychology.” “This kind of women’s psychology has nothing to do with feminine delicacy but rather with vanity,” he says. “What is elegant is what is decided by the greater numbers of a society.” – Shin Nichibei, 1959

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia