A Tip Proves Politeness Pays

Taking pride in one’s position means that the goal is to always provide excellent service, not to merely gain tips. The tip is a bonus and should not be expected. Especially tips like the tip in this story… — A tip of $100.00 U.S. dollars in 1895 is equivalent in purchasing power to about $3,964.52 today. Almost $4000.00, reflecting an average annual inflation rate of 2.85%.

POLITENESS PAYS

Henry Cary, one of the very best of the many good servants employed by the Pennsylvania railroad, died about two years ago, lamented and respected by every officer of the road whom he came in contact with. Carey was one of those ideal servants who was never around except when he was wanted, and then he was sure to be in evidence. He had that happy faculty of knowing just what was the right thing to do at the right moment, and if he was not wanted you would think the earth had swallowed him up, and in the moment he was wanted he appeared to descend from the clouds. 

A little incident in his life is worth relating before he got into the employ of the railroad company. At that time he was porter of one of the Pullman cars, and one day just as they were leaving the station in Chicago he was going through the cars, when one of the passengers asked him for some slight information. He said be didn't know, but would find out and bring back the answer, which he did in a few minutes. The passenger then asked him to be good enough to hand him a drink of water. He said “certainly” in a most pelite way and brought him the glass of water. 

The passenger was quite taken with the kindly face of Carey, and said to him that he was not very well and might get worse on the journey and asked him if he wouldn’t be good enough to pay him some little attention on the way. Carey then told him that that was not his car, that his car was in front and that he could give him but very little attention there. He then asked if he might not be removed to the front car. Carey said that he would have to consult the conductor, which he did. The conductor agreed to the transfer and he was moved into Carey’s car. 

For the first eight or ten hours the man was rather under the weather, but Carey gave him every attention in his power, and from that on he rather improved, but Carey still kept on his kind attention, bringing him everything he thought he might like, and doing everything that he wanted. When he arrived in Philadelphia, Carey took his valise out to the platform. When the passenger, watching his opportunity, saw the porter of the other car that he had left come up to Carey, the passenger put his hand in his vest pocket, took out a hundred dollar note and banded it to Carey saying: “I want to thank you for your attention to me on the journey here, and I also want to reward you for your kindness to me. Good day, I hope you may have a prosperous time.” To say that the porter whose car the passenger had left dropped dead, is to modestly depict his feelings.- Philadelphia Times, 1895

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Server Theatrics? Or Better Service?

Judith Martin (aka Miss Manners) is one of my favorite writers of etiquette. Witty and knowledgeable, her answers are pure gold and sometimes hilariously funny. But Etiquipedia wonders if she was ever employed in the restaurant industry. If she had been, perhaps this answer wouldn’t have been nearly as interesting, nor as funny. Having been a manager many years ago, in a very popular Newport Beach restaurant, Etiquipedia knows that kneeling down to a table was not a common servers’ trick to get a higher tip back in the day. It was, oftentimes, to hear the patrons’ orders more clearly. When a server is standing in a very noisy establishment, possibly with their ears a few feet from customers’ voices, it’s very difficult to hear the food orders being placed. Even when it was quiet in the restaurant, many diners have a bad habit of looking down at their menus while reading from them and placing their orders. Kneeling down was one way to put the servers’ ears closer to the customers’ voices. This is something I have taught in my youth advanced classes for 36 years: Look up and directly at servers’ faces when ordering from them. Timid voices of young people often don’t carry in loud restaurant settings. Those voices don’t reach the servers’ ears.”

Kneeling shouldn't earn waiter extra tip according to Miss Manners… 

Etiquipedia however wonders, should it?

Dear Miss Manners: I have noticed some very strange behavior in several nice restaurants. “Servers” (no longer called waiters) getting down on their knees or squatting to take my order. These servers are young, but still! My friend asked one why, and he replied that he was tired. I asked another, and he replied that he didn't like to exhibit physical dominance over customers. It is all rather startling. Is this a new custom in the making?

Gentle Reader: New? Miss Manners assures you that this is an Elizabethan custom. Those who served the Lord of the castle and his most honored guests, did so from a kneeling position. They were called “servers” or “sewers.”

You have probably wandered into an Elizabethan restaurant, or posibly a time warp. Do the servers kiss your napkin, as well as taste your food, to make sure that it is not poisoned? You might test Miss Manners’ theory by calling “Sewer!” to see if one responds, or by throwing the bones on the floor to see if this is the approved way of busing one’s plate.

No, wait. If this posture has to do with the new claim that people tip more to servers who hover below them, rather than above them, Miss Manners’ tests would probably not be a good idea. Neither, in that case, would be increased tipping, which would only encourage this silliness. —By Miss Manners, Press Democrat, 1996

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Tips on Finger Bowls

Did your waiter bring a bowl of strong yellow or bronze tinged, coarse-colored water, and no napkin? Yikes! 

The style of serving finger bowls almost always accords with the prices charged for the dinner. This waiter brings you a bowl of strong yellow or bronze tinged, coarse-colored water, and no napkin. He will bring you a check then at least twenty-five cents less than you expected; but another waiter, who prepares the finger bowls in your sight with ostentation and sprays the perfumes in them with a lavish hand, will charge you at least fifty cents more than you figured it in your mind when giving the order, and he is sure to bring back nothing less than a quarter in change, that you may fee him liberally. 

It is peculiar to finger bowl New York restaurants that they never have any five cent pieces. The smallest piece of change a waiter ever brings is a dime. That is only with plain glass finger bowls. If the bowl is cut glass, the change is in quarter or halves. The only man who ever escaped giving a fee is said to be the one who told the waiter that the place was run much better under the former proprietor. The waiter was so dazed that he broke two finger bowls, and in the confusion the man got away. -New York Star, March 1887

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Christmas Tipping Etiquette

“A Christmas bonus is something you give to someone who has served you all year,” said Judith Martin, whose syndicated persona is the etiquette expert Miss Manners. “It is not something you do because you are afraid not to.”

Christmas Cookies? Cash? Or a Mink? The Annual Tip…

Dale Burg would love to know something about her neighbors, something she says she would never dare to ask. She drops oblique hints, hoping they will volunteer a fact or two. She wonders about them when they’re not around and glances at them as they walk by. But she doesn't say a thing. “Of course I wouldn't ask them how much they tip,” she said of the holiday gifts she and other tenants give the staff of her Upper East Side building. “I wouldn't ask them how much they tip like I wouldn't ask them how much they earn.”

Tipping at Christmastime has become a rule without rules: Almost everyone feels he is supposed to do it, but few are sure exactly whom to tip and how much. The experts offer guidelines: “A Christmas bonus is something you give to someone who has served you all year,” said Judith Martin, whose syndicated persona is the etiquette expert Miss Manners. “It is not something you do because you are afraid not to.”

Professionals offer insights: “As a rule, people who overtip more tend to be insecure,” said Dr. Norman Sussman, a Manhattan psychiatrist. “People who tend to be strict in their tipping are not cheap, they may just be more secure.”

Most of the specifics of Christmas tipping, however, are decided by individuals making their own rules as they go along, guided by feelings that range from generosity to a sense of obligation to a fear of retribution.

Some, for example, think of a tip as a way to give thanks. “I'm more likely to give Christmas bonuses to people I have a personal relationship with, people who have gone out of their way for me,” said Debra Goldberg, a Connecticut writer.

Others see a tip as a bribe of sorts. “I value that table by the window,” said one businessman, who plans to give $150 to the maître d'hôtel of the Four Seasons to insure that he gets his prized table all next year.

Still others see a tip as protection of another kind. “A friend of mine in the houseware business tipped his doorman with a set of kitchen counter canisters,” said Miss Burg. “Then he wondered why he was the only one in the building getting robbed.”

And then there are those who do not tip at all. “I had my last haircut on Dec. 6, I'll have my next one in the middle of January because I can’t deal with a Christmas tip,” said Joy Marcus, a New York University law student.

In short, as many tips can change hands this time of year as there are encounters in a day and for as many reasons. Doormen, superintendents and other personnel often receive tips, as do garage attendants, newspaper boys, gardeners, deliverymen and housekeepers. It is against the law to give gifts to postal workers but many get them nonetheless. Employees receive money from their employers, but the gift is called a Christmas bonus. And employees give gifts to their bosses as well; then it is usually called a Christmas present.

One Long Island doctor gives a bonus to all the employees in his office (from $100 to a week’s salary, depending upon how long they have worked there), the postman (“I know I'm not supposed to but I give him $25 anyway”), the two men who deliver supplies to his office ($5 each), the newspaper boys ($5 each), the sanitation department ($25 to be divided as they wish), the hairdresser who cuts the entire family’s hair (a gift worth about $25) and the woman who makes appointments at the hairdresser ($10). The bill adds up, he says, but, now that his children are grown, at least he no longer has to give something to the school bus driver and to all their teachers.

Gweno Mattes, in contrast, is just beginning to tip the bus driver and the schoolteacher. Her son, Dylan, is 7 years old and attends the United Nations International School. The parents of the 10 children at his bus stop have collected a fund for the driver, and his teacher gets a present as well. “He's very fussy about what he gives her,” Mrs. Mattes said. “He wants it to be the best present in the class.” Last year the gift was a bottle of champagne and some Danish cookies, and this year’s present has not been determined yet. “It’s always a gift, not money,” Mrs. Mattes said. “You can’t give money to a teacher.”

Therein lies the annual problem: to give cash or to give creatively.

“The business world runs on money,” said Judith Martin. “If you do a good job, do you want your boss to go out and buy you a sweater you don't need?”

To help tenants give money, many buildings, particularly large ones, distribute lists of personnel. One Lincoln Plaza, for example, lists 40 names, from security men to elevator operators to office secretaries, along with the length of time each person has worked at the building. There is a locked box in the lobby, and tenants can either submit envelopes for individual workers or a larger amount to be divided equally among the staff. The usual gift per person runs from $10 to $40. In smaller buildings the tip would be more, from $20 to $50 in each employees' envelope.

Other people who often receive cash tips are restaurant employees (the equivalent of an average bill to be divided among the service staff as a whole, with something extra, from $10 to $50 depending upon the prices of the restaurant, for the maître d'hôtel and the bartender), parking garage staff (between $20 to $50 to be divided among the staff), hairdressers (roughly the cost of one visit or a gift worth that amount), house cleaners (the equivalent of one month's pay) and newspaper boys and girls (about $5).

Many people, however, are uncomfortable giving an envelope filled with impersonal green money.

“I prefer to give gifts instead of giving cash,” Mrs. Goldberg said. “Then it somehow comes under the heading of a Christmas present rather than a tip.”

Last year, those gifts included a mink coat given to the owner of a hair salon and a diamond ring to a travel agent. A Manhattan couple gave their live-in nanny a fur jacket. “Something practical, not sable or anything,” said Linda Lee, the personal shopper at Macy's who helped select the coat. “She had been with the family for 20 years. She had raised their three children.”

In a more practical realm, robes and lingerie, she said, are a popular gift for housekeepers, and fresh food, such as a whole side of smoked salmon or a tin of caviar, are good gifts for anyone. It is common for bosses and secretaries to get each other scarfs, gloves, leather goods and umbrellas, she said.

Lenore Valery, for example: “I don't give cash, it's crass,” said Miss Valery, owner of a facial salon, who once presented a ribbon-ringed bouquet of small umbrellas to a member of her staff who was always buying the items and misplacing them. The card read: “For the woman who has everything, but keeps losing it.”

Other people give gifts rather than cash because it is all they can afford - a $10 gift is less expensive to give than a $20 bill; homemade presents are the least expensive gifts of all.

Nancy Conroy and Barclay Leib were married this summer and plan to give Christmas cookies and cash to the superintendent and the handyman in their building on the East Side: tollhouse cookies and, if they have extra time, sugar cookies with colored sprinkles. “It's a good supplement,” Miss Conroy said. “It makes the tip seem bigger.”

Then, as if hearing her own words and wondering if they would be quite as convincing to her superintendent, she asked, “It's O.K. to do it this way, isn't it?” – By Lisa Belkin for the NYT, 1984

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Restaurant Etiquette Tips of 1915

Don’t act like this! – “Eat slowly, act with refinement and remember that you are in a public place. The restaurant is indeed a great test of the true lady and gentleman.”

There should be no conspicuous conduct in a dining room of a hotel or a public restaurant. Do not talk or laugh in a loud tone. Do not dispute with the waiter. Do not look around at other guests in an impertinent manner. Eat slowly, act with refinement and remember that you are in a public place. The restaurant is indeed a great test of the true lady and gentleman. The end of the meal should be followed by your exit from the dining room. 

The lady precedes the gentleman on leaving the restaurant. At the door the gentleman will receive his hat, which has been taken from him on entering. Here, there is a call for a tip of 10 cents if it be a restaurant or a large hotel and if the stay is for just for one meal. There is much protest against this and the concerted action of men is doing much toward minimizing this “holdup.” –The Morning Union, 1915

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Thumbs Up to Learning Etiquette

    We at Etiquipedia have mixed feelings about using the “thumbs up” gesture. Instagram is positively littered with “etiquette enthusiasts”and “étiqueteurs,” making like modern-day Goofuses and Gallants on video, with a “thumbs up” and “thumbs down” or shaming “finger wag” system, of demonstrating the proper and improper ways of doing something. The “thumbs up” signal has, overall, a positive connotation in most English-speaking countries. Popularization in the U.S. is generally attributed to the practices of American World War II pilots, using the “thumbs up” to communicate with ground crews prior to take-off. However, its meaning varies significantly from country to country and culture to culture. This hand gesture is considered very rude in several countries, including Iraq and Iran. In other countries, like Germany, France, and Hungary, the gesture can simply indicate the number one (the “Ok” gesture means the number zero, or “0.”) 

Starting in 2007, the “thumbs-up” appeared on India’s one-rupee coin. And it’s in India where you’ll find a “thumbs up” gesture used as part of the logo of “Thums Up,” a popular brand of Indian cola. American Sign Language users in the United States use a single thumb up, tilted slightly and moved, or shaken rapidly, from left to right to indicate the number ten, or 10. When held stationary and thrust toward another person the meaning is “yourself.” When lifted up by the other palm, it is read as, “help.” Nowadays, due to social media’s global reach, the “thumbs-up” sign on Facebook and other sites– as a clear statement of approval or agreement– is becoming much more acceptable than it once was.

Warning from Agriculture Dept... 

“Etiquette can be tricky when traveling overseas”

WASHINGTON (AP) - When an American travels abroad with an eye on new markets for farm products, it’s best to be on good behavior and to observe proper etiquette, the Agriculture Department says.

For example, you are in an Arabian Gulf country and have consumed several small cups of bitter cardamom coffee. You would rather not drink more. Should you; 

• (a) place your palm over the cup when the coffee pot is passed? 
• (b) turn your empty cup upside down on the table? or 
• (c) hold the cup and twist your wrist from side to side? 

The answer, according to USDA’s Foreign Agricultural Service, is (c). But the quiz may be a trifle suspect, since the final of 10 questions offered to test a reader’s business etiquette says: 

“Body language is just as important as the spoken word in many countries. For example, in most countries, the ‘thumbs-up’ sign means ‘OK.’ But in which of the following countries is the sign considered a rude gesture?”

•  (a) Germany, 
• (b) Italy, 
• (c) Australia.

The answer, the agency says, is (c). But a spokesman at the Australian Embassy denied that his countrymen consider a ‘thumbs-up’ gesture offensive.

The spokesman, not identified, told a reporter “We have other fingers that might be rude, but not the thumb.” Lynn K. Goldsbrough, editor of Foreign Agriculture magazine in which the article appeared, said the information was taken from a book on taboos around the world and used in the quiz. When told about the reaction from the Australian Embassy, Ms. Goldsbrough laughed and said, “Maybe he’s from a different part of Australia. I guess you can’t believe everything you read in books, huh?” 

Another answer to a question advised prospective exporters to refrain from tipping in Iceland, although it’s permissible in Britain and Canada. And the normal work week in Saudi Arabia is Saturday through Wednesday. 

In Japan, where giving gifts is common among business acquaintances, one should “thank the giver and open the present later.” It would be bad form to open the present immediately and thank the giver, or suggest the giver open the present for you.

 Good topics of conversation in Latin America might include sports, the weather or travel, the report said, but religion and local politics should be avoided. If flowers are in order as a gift to a hostess, some ground rules are in order, since “both the type of flower and color can have amorous, negative or even ominous implications,” the report said.

 “Purple flowers are a sign of death in Brazil, as are chrysanthemums in France in Switzerland, as well as in many other northern European countries, red roses suggest romantic intention.” – By Don Kendall, AP Farm Writer, 1987

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia