Etiquette and Things to Retrain From

Here at Etiquipedia, we are big fans of the common sense manners which Amy Vanderbilt espoused and encouraged, through her numerous books and syndicated columns.

Rules of Etiquette That Don’t Change

By Amy Vanderbilt

As my readers know, I have a large collection of very old etiquette books and keep adding to it during the course of my travels in this country and abroad. Just recently in Ireland I was given a copy of an English etiquette book that, although undated, seems to have been published about 1902. It is called “Etiquette for Women.” One section lists “Things to Retrain From.” I was interested to see how well most of these rules stand up and are today good American manners, too. 

Here they are, just as they appeared in that old book I brought back from Dublin: 

• “Don’t talk of your pedigree, save in the bosom of your own family, and then only indulge yourself once in a lifetime.”
• “Don’t, whatever the fashion may be, wear a lot of jewelry.” 
• “Don’t wear a number of diamonds 0r other precious stones by day. It is not in good taste.” 
• “Don’t speak to attendants in shops as your servants, or anyone in an inferior position in life to yourself, as though they were dogs; neither gush at them, nor be familiar.”
• “Maintain a genial dignity, and a gracious kindness and consideration, which will win esteem and respect.”
• “Don’t mention names when talking in public about persons you know; a near friend 0r relative of those you are chattering about, may be overhearing the conversation. ”
• “Don’t eat in the street.”
• “Don't ever have dirty nails, soiled handkerchiefs, or soiled linen.” 
• “Don’t use quantities of perfume.”
• “Don’t behave in the street in a way to attract attention by railing about; attitudinizing, or shrieking with laughter.” 
• “Don’t be profuse with terms of endearment and kisses in public.” 
• “Don't if a friend mispronounces a word, immediately pronounce it in the correct way; it will probably hurt his or her feelings very much.” 
• “Don't push your plate away when you have finished eating.”
• ‘‘Don’t use a knife when eating an entree or hors d’œuvre if a fork will do.”
• “Don’t use a knife when eating rissoles of any kind, or minced meats; or curry.”
• “Don’t when you are served, wait until everyone else is served also before beginning to eat; neither must you attack the meat on your plate until you have the accompanying vegetables and sauces.”
• “Don’t mistake a haughty, overbearing manner for an air of good breeding, either in yourself or your fellow creatures.”

My friend and fellow columnist, Mrs. Walter Ferguson, wrote recently that this is an age of vulgarity. Many of these old, sound rules of good manners are as important today as they have ever been. Are we properly teaching them to our children? Are we occasionally breaching them ourselves? — Amy Vanderbilt, 1959

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Mustache Etiquette and Facial Fads

“There is no worthier accomplishment for a man with a moustache than to take soup in an inoffensive manner… and by no means should the moustache be used to strain the soup.” –Cornelia Dobbs’ 1908 book, Guide to Manners

Is Clean Shaven Man Losing His Popularity? – Smooth Face Fad Growing in Disfavor Abroad —————————————————

London Women Admit That They Prefer to Be Kissed by Wearers of a Mustache — “Dear Man” With Mustache and a Tickle Popular

LONDON, July. 7.— Is woman’s admiration for the man with the clean shaven face waning? Many men and women In London say it is, and a revival of the mustache is promised. A well-known woman writer of fiction confesses to liking the mustache. She says: “To speak quite truthfully, I do not like beards; upon that point I am firm. But whether a mustache is or is not an ornament, I am not quite certain. Men in pictures and men on the stage look best with clean shaven faces and I like my hero in fiction to possess clear-cut features, a hairless chin and an unshaven lip. If he were described as plump and bearded I should detest him. But a mustached husband I could ask for half a dozen hats at a time, whereas the stern set mouth of the clean shaven one, pursed up to utter a rigid ‘No,’ before my words were fairly uttered, would, I am certain, terrorize me into meekly suggesting one.

“I asked my dearest girl friend to arbitrate upon this important question and her ready reply leads me to fancy that she favors the mustache. Says she: “‘A dear man almost kissed me once. It was in Aunt Gwendolyn's conservatory and if Aunt G. had not at that moment seen fit to whisk out of the drawing-room almost into our united arms. I should have been able to state with decision whether I prefer the kisses of the smooth lipped man, or those of one of the mustached persuasion. The brushing of this man’s mustache upon my cheek I thought distinctly pleasant; it seemed to promise something different from the ordinary experience.

‘Kipling somewhere says, or makes a young girl say: “To be kissed by a man without a mustache is like eating an egg without salt.” I think, so far as my experience has gone, that I am in agreement with this opinion. After all, you see, one does not expect a man's kiss to be just like a woman’s. Army men, I opine, owe some of the popularity they enjoy among my sex to the mustaches they wear. Who would not rather be taken out on the river by a young lieutenant than a briefless barrister, whose academic honors are too deeply written on his hairless face? The young lieutenant is a figure of romance, with all the charm and virility of the grown up, though still juvenile, cavalier, whereas the boy barrister is an absurd example, an old head on young shoulders, weighed down with responsibilities and cares.

“But when a man has left the golden age of extreme youth, then, I fancy, he looks handsomer and younger unshaven. That is because so many men wear mustuches for their health’s sake, when they are over 60, ugly, grizzled, straggly mustaches, which they declare filter the air, or keep them from catching cold (a frequent excuse for that abomination, the long beard), or do something else wise, but not picturesque; perchance conceal a weak mouth or unbeautiful teeth, or lessen the apparent measurement of an over important nose.” – Special Cable to The Herald, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Pompous Etiquette at Versailles

The honor of handing the clean shirt to those persona was reserved to the sons and daughters of France, or, in their absence, to the Princes of the blood or those legitimatized, or in default of these, to the Grand Chamberlain or the First Gentleman of the Bedchamber. The shirt having been regularly and formally delivered, the First Valet of the Wardrobe and the First Valet de Chambre held up the garment by the right and left sleeves respectively, while two other valets extended a dressing gown in front of the King to serve as a screen. 

Etiquette in Ye Olden Time

A hundred years ago the court of France was ruled by an etiquette so pompons and ceremonious as to make the King’s life a burden to himself and a jest to a philosopher. He was never alone, except at rare intervals. The eyes of forty or fifty persons saw him dress and undress, and the operation of putting on his shirt was something fearful. The Grand Master of the Wardrobe drew off the King’s nightshirt by the right arm, and the First Valet of the Wardrobe by the left arm, and both of them united in handing the nightshirt to an Officer of the Wardrobe. Another Valet of the Wardrobe brought a clean shirt, but he had no right to hand it to the persons who were to put it on the King. 

The honor of handing the clean shirt to those persona was reserved to the sons and daughters of France, or, in their absence, to the Princes of the blood or those legitimatized, or in default of these, to the Grand Chamberlain or the First Gentleman of the Bedchamber. The shirt having been regularly and formally delivered, the First Valet of the Wardrobe and the First Valet de Chambre held up the garment by the right and left sleeves respectively, while two other valets extended a dressing gown in front of the King to serve as a screen. Behind this screen his Majesty at last got the shirt on his back. Every day, immediately after being dressed, the King said his prayers. And it is to be hoped that he never failed to offer up a devout thanksgiving for having passed safely through the awful process of putting on his shirt, and that the coming man would be able to make for the coming King’s shirts that could be put on with more ease and less ceremony. — Morning Press, 1883

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Lord Pleads for Better Manners

“Strange to see how a good dinner and feasting reconciles everybody.” -Samuel Pepys. Famous for his diary and being a 17th century gentleman. – “Why did men of the early seventeenth century emphasize courtesy and good manners? I take it for two reasons. First that they were models of courtesy and good manners themselves. The men of the seventeenth century were, I suspect, the greatest breed of Englishmen that England has ever produced, partly because they poed good manners themselves and partly because they realized the enormous importance of courtesy and good manners in the common transactions of life.”

Lord Rosebery Denounces the Decay of Manners Throughout the World as a Bad Sign

Lord Rosebery recently talked to the boys of the Royal Grammar school at Guildford on the subject of manners. He founded his discourse upon one of the statutes of the school framed 300 years ago, which he believed required much more attention than was usually paid to it. The statute said that assemblies without just cause must be punished. Honesty and clean speech, humility, courtesy and good manners were to be established by all good means. “Now, the point I wish to labor for the moment,” Lord Rosebery proceeded , "is that of courtesy and manners. Why did men of the early seventeenth century emphasize courtesy and good manners? I take it for two reasons. First that they were models of courtesy and good manners themselves. The men of the seventeenth century were, I suspect, the greatest breed of Englishmen that England has ever produced, partly because they possessed good manners themselves and partly because they realized the enormous importance of courtesy and good manners in the common transactions of life. 

“I think there has been a decay of manners in England and Scotland and all over the world. It is not limited to our own people by any means. You see it on the continent just as much —but depend upon it— it is a bad sign. If people have not the spirit of reverence themselves, even if it be only an outward reverence, they are not going the right way, but possibly going the wrong way. “Manners have an enormous commercial value in life. I sometimes wonder why it is not harped on more on these occasions. No one can have lived as long as I have without noticing the weight and value of manners in the ordinary transactions of life, in public life, and having seen men by appearance and manners get such a start of very much abler fellows, that they have been able by appearance and manners to keep their place much higher in public life than their own abilities or service would entitle them to. “Good appearance, you may say, is not at our command. There I do not agree. Good looks are not at our command. They are the gift of the gods and are the possession only of a small percentage, of mankind. But good appearance, straight-forward appearance, manly appearance without self consciousness, which is the most agreeable feature perhaps of all appearance, is within the command of everybody. 

“So much for appearance, but let us take manners, which I think are even more important. I will not put my appeal for manners on the higher consideration, such as sure signs of a noble nature expressed in outward form, though that is true enough. I will only put it today on the question of the commercial value of manners, and I ask every boy who hears me to bear away with him in mind the enormous value of manners from this day onward through his life, and they will give him a value which he will never possess without them, and give him a start over other boys, who neither strive to nor attain good manners.” — Morning Press, 1913

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Poor American Manners Post WWI

In spite of beauty, cleverness and good taste, some women lack the exquisite charm of repose. Many young women in fashionable social life, as well as some actresses, are incapable of seating themselves gracefully. They will crouch, they will flop, they will stand in front of a chair and fidget before dropping into it. The average American woman can’t keep still. This is the chief blemish of American manners, and just as soon as we women are convinced of this fact, we will conquer our nerves and acquire poise.

On Good Manners — World Not Yet 

Recovered from Great War?

“I think there is so much hypocrisy in good manners,” said a woman whom I know very well, the other day. “You mean,” I quickly retorted, “hypocrisy may be found in fine manners?” She tossed her head defiantly, declaring: “That is a distinction, not a difference.” I persisted in my defense. “You know quite well,” said I, “that good manners mean sincere regard for others, self-discipline and service. Fine manners may mean being merely polite and well-bred in behavior.” 

The lack of good manners in all classes is to be deplored. It has been thought of sufficient importance for an agitation to be started in one city, to teach manners in the public schools. This slump in conventional dignity, this letting down of social bars, is the recognized aftermath of war. Those who can recall the effect of the Civil War upon manners must shudder at the memory. Today the frenzy of the World War is past, but the world has not yet recovered its poise. Let us, however, take notice of the stupendous development of real unselfishness in our own people—the practical unselfishness which has made America the hope of famishing European babies and mothers.

What has this to do with the question of manners? Everything! Selfishness is the supreme foe of good manners. And in this real solicitude for suffering humanity, there may he found hope for the redemption of American manners which, at their best, are agreeable and likely to win favor in any official or private gathering. There is no need to worry over the lost manners of some of our men, for the loss is only temporary. Many of us women, however, will acquire better manners when we learn how to conquer our nerves and conserve our nervous energies. 

For, in spite of beauty, cleverness and good taste, some women lack the exquisite charm of repose. Many young women in fashionable social life, as well as some actresses, are incapable of seating themselves gracefully. They will crouch, they will flop, they will stand in front of a chair and fidget before dropping into it. The average American woman can’t keep still. This is the chief blemish of American manners, and just as soon as we women are convinced of this fact, we will conquer our nerves and acquire poise. Let us teach our children manners for home use as a beginning, and, before we know it, there will be no reason left to complain of American manners. “Manners are the happy ways of doing things,” wrote Emerson.— By Clara Morris, 1921

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Good Manners are Splendid Asset

Oh, some of these teens today! All dressed up and she waits until the photo is snapped to stick her tongue out? — “Great knowledge and splendid ability may be so camouflaged by a veneer of bad manners that they can never break through.”

Good Manners a Splendid Asset to Boy or Girl, Man or Woman, Young or Old

Good manners form an international language which every person in the world can understand. Good manners means best of whatever comes along—putting the best foot foremost. Good manners are closely allied with optimism, for whoever saw a persistent pessimist who didn’t forget his breeding? Of course, good manners and good breeding are not exactly synomymous, but they are nearly enough so to be accepted without entering into argument in the present instance. There is nothing in the world that makes so good an impression on others as an individual’s good manners. 

Every boy and girl, man and woman, should make a close study of manners and cultivate their courses of action until good manners become a regular and unbreakable habit. The parents should teach good manners to their children. The future life and the chances of business, social or professional success may hinge on the manners of any youth. And of the various kinds and classes of manners, the most Conspicuous and the most vital is table manners. Time was when a man might win and still eat with his knife. But that time is past. The “sword swallower” is just as far removed from modern life as is the ape-like of feeding with the fingers. But eating with the knife is only one of dozens of things uhich should not be done at the table. 

A notable table atrocity is tucking the napkin under the chin. Another is drinking from the saucer. These mistakes, of course, are so flagrant anyone should know not to make them, but even in this enlightened ag e there are many who do not possess this knowledge or who do not have sufficient personal pride to exercise it. The little refinements, like always keeping your knife and fork on your plate when not in use, keeping your teaspoon in the saucer beside the cup when not used for stirring and never drinking tea or coffee from the spoon—these things be carefully studied, memorized and carried out in everyday life. Also not opening the lips when one chews and never making noises with the mouth while eating. 

Parents should watch these things carefully in their children. The child who goes forth without a thorough knowledge of good manners and without a complete understanding of the value of good manners and the necessity for applying them is on the open road to failure. The impression that the youth—or the older person, for that matter, makes upon others is his or her greatest stock in trade. Great knowledge and splendid ability may be so camouflaged by a veneer of bad manners that they can never break through. Good manners give the same refinements to life that good clothes do to people, or artistic decorations do to rooms or buildings. There is this difference, however, that good manners cost nothing except the effort to acquire them and an occasional beneficial self-sacrifice in putting them into effect. — Evening Herald, 1921

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Napoleonic Court Etiquette

The Emperor holds what is called an “audience” every Sunday morning, when he is in Paris. This is a fashion of receiving which was abolished by the Revolution and restored by Napoleon I. In 1830 it again fell, and was re-established in 1852 by Napoleon III. With the “audience” fell and rose the offices of Chamberlains — persons especially charged with all that concerns the interior household of the Sovereign. 

The French Court

The Paris correspondent of the New York Tribune, writing January 27th, says: The Emperor, had he desired to foreshadow anything like a rupture of amicable relations with the United States, had an opportunity to do so at the Imperial Ball at the Tuileries on Wednesday evening last. Instead, however, of doing that, he departed from usage and relinquished a point of etiquette in order to render more agreeable the position of our representative at this Court. A Charge d'Affaires, being accredited to the Minister of Foreign Affairs only and not to the Sovereign, is not supposed to have any communication with the latter. 

At the presentations at the Tuileries, the Charge d’ Affaires does not introduce his countrymen directly to the Emperor, but simmers his introduction through a Chamberlain who stands between his Majesty and the Charge. This has always been the case before, and there was no reason to suppose that the rule would be departed from on Wednesday evening. When the Emperor entered the room in which the diplomatic corps were gathered, he addressed a few words to Lord Cowley, who stood at the head of the line, made a remark to the Italian Minister, and then forced his way along until he came to Bigelow, who occupied a position nearly at the foot. He held out his hand to Bigelow and expressed his gratification at seeing him, and complimented him upon his good standing with the United States Government, which so promptly placed him in the position which he occupied. He then addressed a few words to Mrs. Bigelow— asked her how long she had been here, and passed on. 

The Emperor addressed his remarks to Mr. and Mrs. Bigelow in English, although fortunately they, unlike most of their predecessors, speak excellent French. In the presentation ceremony no Chamberlain stood between the Emperor and Bigelow, who introduced, our countrymen directly to his Majesty. This was certainly an unusual and entirely unexpected proceeding, and may be explained as, in part, an evidence of good feeling towards our Government, and in part a high personal compliment to the occupant of the position of Charge d' Affaires.– Life in Paris, Sacramento Union, 1865

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Color and French Dog Petiquette

Oh, vanity... Gilding the lap dog made him not only golden, but ill-mannered, haughty and vain! Other colors brought out different temperaments and behaviors. – “It was a day or two after this banquet that the modern Midas caused his wife's lap-dog to be richly gilded, to the immense amazement of that personage, and, apparently, to the great satisfaction of the animal, which, naturally of a most affectionate disposition, became so haughty that it would suffer no one to touch it, and only regained its usual good temper as the gilding wore off its fur.” – Photo source, AKC.com 

The fashion of dyeing lap dogs, and the other species of canine pets so beloved of Parisian dames, so as to match the toilette of their mistresses, which is decidedly gaining ground here as a novelty, appears not to be absolutely new. At all events, the chronicles of thirty years ago speak of a chemist who, by means of coloring matter which he injected into their veins, succeeded in giving to the animals submitted to his process any color desired by their owners. Sky-blue pigs, lilac calves, green dogs, yellow donkeys, and peach-colored sheep, are said to have issued living from his laboratory. But the new process is much simpler, being simply an ingenious method of painting the animal's hair, or, if preferred, of gilding it. The painting is easily done, and as it can be washed off with equal ease, the four-footed adjuncts of fashionable ladyhood, may be brought out every day in new shades of color, to correspond with the prevailing hue of their owner’s toilette.

The rich banker Milland, whose sudden acquisition of an enormons fortune, through a succession of bold and lucky speculations, created so much talk in this envious city, some fifteen years ago, and who, at the time when he made his sudden leap from poverty to wealth, seemed hardly to know what to do with his gold, is said to have been the first to strike out the idea of this style of ornamentation. Certain it is that the new millionaire, not satisfied with gilding all the inside of his hotel, at the Place St. Georges, caused all the exterior mouldings of that highly ornate dwelling to be gilded also, as all passers can assure themselves to this day, by occular examination ; and that having put his establishment into a state of gilding that provoked the Parisians into calling his hotel “The Temple of the Golden Calf,” he gave a grand dinner to the principal literary and financial notorieties of the capital, at which not only his son and himself were covered with gold chains, rings, etc, but the rough rinds of some very large melons, that figured, according to the etiquette of French dinners, immediately after the soup, were thickly gilded down each seam. 

It was a day or two after this banquet that the modern Midas caused his wife's lap-dog to be richly gilded, to the immense amazement of that personage, and, apparently, to the great satisfaction of the animal, which, naturally of a most affectionate disposition, became so haughty that it would suffer no one to touch it, and only regained its usual good temper as the gilding wore off its fur. The new fashion of coloring dogs is said to have a similar power of changing their tempers; the same dog, for instance, being morose when painted chocolate-color, proud and quarrelsome when painted red, insolent when painted yellow, gay when painted pink, capricious when painted green, and sentimental when painted sky-blue! Dark-blue makes them ill and renders them excessively unhappy. The other colors do not seem to be injurious, and Paris is full of extremes whilst this folly is going on. – Letters from Paris, 1865

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

A French Empress Entertains

Empress Eugénie enjoyed entertaining her guests and granted her favor to them the moment of almost any gleam of sunshine in the storm which nearly ruined her birthday celebrations. – Above: Empress Eugenie surrounded by her Dames du Palais, circa 1855. Her six ladies-in-waiting (later increased to twelve), or dames du palais, were mainly chosen from among her acquaintances prior to her marriage. They were headed by the Grand-Maitresse Anne Debelle, Princesse d'Essling, and the dame d'honneur, Pauline de Bassano.– Public Domain Image

The Empress’ Victory

Over the prudent counsels of M. Fould, in virtue of which the Court has gone to Compeigne, will hardly profit her Majesty, or the three series of her invited guests, if the present rain and wind are to continue. However, it appears that the Empress is very prompt in making the most of any gleam of sunshine, vouchsafed in the intervals of the storm. The moment the rain holds up, sovereigns and guests turn out to take advantage of it, and two or three hunts have already taken place in the forest, while concerts, plays and dancing have gone on brilliantly in the evening.

Her fair Majesty's birthday has just been celebrated at Compeigne, where the guests had the honor of being admitted to offer their felicitations and present bouquets. The officers of the Chasseurs of the Guard — which regiment seems to consider itself as specially devoted to the Empress – went down to Compeigne to present a magnificent bouquet. The excellent asylum founded by the Empress at the Vesinet, to afford a month's country air to women-patients from the Paris hospitals, also sent a deputation and a bouquet. The palace seems, in fact, to have been filled with these floral offerings, and at night the park was illuminated, and a quantity of fireworks were let off, in spite of the rain, the grounds being thrown open and filled with spectators.– Letters from Paris, 1865

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Royal French Hospitality

 Etiquette of the day would require the newest skating finery, if one was a guest at the French Empress’ skate parties – “Let your dress fit closely, but at the same time be of sufficient ease to insure freedom of motion. Neither skirts to coats nor full trousers should be worn. Let flannel be worn next to the skin by the delicate, and an extra undergarment by the robust. Let the chest be well defended against the cold. A piece of brown paper laid between the waistcoat and shirt is a cheap chest protector, or use one of Andrew Peck & Co.’s improved chest protectors, which is worn next the skin.” – “The Skater's Manual, A Complete Guide To The Art of Skating,” 1867

Of Empress Eugénie, Her Parties and Royal Skating Guests

It is a peculiarity of the hospitality so largely exercised by the present occupants of the French throne, that while the greater number of their guests are persons of high diplomatic and official position, or distinguished for rank or wealth, a good many are invited whose claims to such an honor are purely literary, scientific or artistic. 

Among the ladies — especially among the Russians and Americans here — great beauty or liveliness seem to be a passport equally to the good graces of Emperor and Empress. A reputation for great skill in skating is also a passport to the favor of both, and is sure to procure invitations for the court skating parties, and the Empress’ “private parties” of seven hundred. – Letter from Paris, 1865

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Victorian Wedding Etiquette

The chief bridesmaid's duty is to take the bride's bouquet and gloves when the service begins... When a widow marries, the wedding differs on several points. There are neither bridesmaids nor favors, and the lady is debarred wearing white, a bridal veil or orange flowers ; indeed, she must wear a bonnet, according to English etiquette.

How to Be Married in Style

The old-time fancy for distributing wedding favors is again in vogue ; directly after the ceremony and while the newly-married pair, with the more immediate relatives, are signing the register, the bridesmaids dispense them. The gifts designed for the lady guests consist of small bows of white satin ribbon tying little sprays of jessamine ; those for the gentlemen are a spray of oak-leaves and acorns without ribbon, while the bridesmaids’ favors have some distinctive mark, such as a spray of forget-me-not. Their bouquets are the gift of the bridegroom and are sent before the ceremony with the locket or other souvenir which he presents them. He also furnishes the bride with her flowers for the occasion. 

When the service takes place in church; the ceremony is generally performed entirely at the communion rails ; but in High Churches, the actual ceremony, in England particularly, takes place in the body of the church, and the bridal party, preceded by officiating clergy, moves on into the chancel for the subsequent portion of the service. All arrangement as to fees, etc., are confided to the best man ; while the chief bridesmaid’s duty is to take the bride’s bouquet and gloves when the service begins. The interval between the arrival of the guests at the house and the breakfast is generally employed in an inspection of the wedding presents, which are spread out for examination on a variety of tables – one for plate, another for jewelry, one for china, one for glass ornaments, etc., each gift being accompanied by a slip of paper, bearing the name of the donor. 

Wedding breakfasts are now often arranged on the plan of a ball supper, with several round tables and a long buffet, where the majority of the company take their lunch standing, the tables being appropriated to the relatives of the bridegroom and the principal guests. Frequently, however, the old custom of a sitting-down breakfast is adhered to, and if it is, the wedding-cake is placed in the centre of the table, and the bride and bridegroom take their places opposite to it. In the former plan, the cake is placed in the centre of the buffet. When breakfast is announced, the bride and bridegroom lead the way to the dining-room ; the bride’s father follows with the bridegroom’s mother, and seats himself next to his daughter; the bridegroom’s father comes in next with the bride’s mother, and place her beside the bridegroom. Very frequently the bridesmaids all sit opposite to the bride, accompanied by the gentlemen who have been desired by the hostess to take them down ; the best man invariably taking the chief bridesmaid. 

Speeches are now confined, when there are any at all, to the health of the bride and bridegroom, proposed in a few words, the fewer the better, by the gentleman of the highest rank present. The bridegroom, in returning thanks, sometimes proposes the health of the bridesmaids, for whom the best man briefly responds. There should be no other toasts, and even these may be well dispensed with. The bride puts the knife into the cake, which has been cut before the drinking of the healths, and it is expected that every one will eat a small piece for good luck. When the bride comes into the drawing-room in her travelling-dress to say good-bye, white satin slippers and rice are thrown, the best man and  bridesmaids dispensing the former, while the latter is showered upon the departing pair exclusively by matrons. The fashion of sending cards and cake has gone entirely out of style. 

When a widow marries, the wedding differs on several points. There are neither bridesmaids nor favors, and the lady is debarred wearing white, a bridal veil or orange flowers ; indeed, she must wear a bonnet, according to English etiquette. If a young lady, however, marries a widower, there is no difference made between the arrangements for her wedding and those described.– Daly Alta, 1877

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Silverware and Forked Answers

An unusual and highly valuable, antique silver, fish-shaped, Victorian spoon warmer. These were used in very large, drafty estates, to keep the spoons from “downstairs” warm for the meals served “upstairs.” –  “It was here that for the first and last time in his life Mr. Campion made the acquaintance of those silver-plated cornucopias which, in Victorian times, were supplied to the diner filled with hot water, so that he might warm his spoon before partaking of that greasy delicacy called thick soup.” –Marjorie Allingham

Silverware Provides Golden Opportunity for Forked Answers

The secret vice of etiquette is to play guessing games with old pieces of silver. The stranger looking an object say, a combination of writhing bodies with spouts, or tongs and clawed footsies the more fun it is to ask, “And what do you suppose THAT is?” Then, again, perhaps this vice is not entirely secret. Miss Manners has noticed that people who fail to acknowledge the daily toils of etiquette as it strives to make the world bearable in small ways, believe its only function is in connection with peculiar silver. Under etiquette's kindly veneer, they seem to believe, it is really only a system by which people who have the time and money to waste in acquiring funny silverware, endeavor to make those who don't, feel inadequate. 

The object such detractors choose to bolster their slander is usually the humble fork. “I never know what fork to use,” they will brag, as evidence that they are above snobbish games. The fact that the fork is a household mainstay at all levels of society, the use of which can be, and routinely is, mastered by a child of 3, makes it a strange example. Therefore, Miss Manners will now offer some better ones. In the spirit of the parent who says, “Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about,” she suggests that the next time they complain about esoteric items of silver, they choose an example among the following items. Miss Manners has helpfully divided these into two categories and supplied some dubious etymology. 

A. What in the Heck Is That? 

1. Bougie box. This is where you keep your bougie, of course. A bougie is a coil of bleached wax, named after the Algerian town that supplied it, and it sticks out in a taper through the lid of your small, circular bougie box to provide a dim light for whatever dim activities you may wish to engage in. If you don't mind your bougie being uncovered, you can hang it on a wax jack, but it is well known that bougie boxes keep the mice from nibbling your tapers.
2. Monteith. Monteith was a Scot who made great punch and wore a scallop-bottomed coat. His name adorns a punch bowl with a scalloped edge on which you can hang the punch glasses to chill on ice before you make the punch.
3. Argyle. Either the fourth or the fifth Duke of Argyle, depending on whom you believe (Miss Manners doesn't vouch for any of this information), invented his own gravy boat, which has a hot-water compartment for keeping the gravy hot. 
4. Posset or caudle cup. This is a two-handled cup in which you can drink posset (curdled milk with wine or ale, oat cakes and spices) or caudle (wine with spices and sugar and crumbled bread) or, if those lists of ingredients get to you, grab both handles and be sick.  

B. Any Fool Can Understand What It Is, But What Do You Need It For?  

1. Wine wagon. This is a great toy, consisting of a little wheeled wagon that holds two wine bottles, so that you can send it careening down the length of the table at exactly the point when someone with sense ought to remove it and you from the table.
2. Sardine box. Why would you want to keep your sardines in a silver box with pictures of sardines engraved on it, when you can pack them into a can like people on a subway? Because sardines were once very expensive. 
3. Tea caddy. Ditto for tea, which is why lots of tea caddies have locks on them. 
4. Cheese toaster. If you think it's messy to make your toasted cheese sandwiches in the stove, try aiming a silver cheese toaster with a hot water compartment toward the open fire. 
5. Soy frame. This is one form of the cruet, a stand holding bottles of sauces, which is socially on a level with the ketchup-and-mustard stand at your local fast food restaurant.
6. Spoon warmer. You don't mean you've been using cold spoons to serve food with, do you? The spoon warmer contains hot water in which to keep serving-spoons on a buffet table.
7. Salver. This is just a small-footed tray for serving drinks, but Miss Manners likes the idea that it was named for the hope that it would save one's clothes from the dribble. 
8. Epergne. Miss Manners throws this in because its name also refers (in French) to saving. The epergne is a many-armed centerpiece to be filled with fruits, nuts and candy, and its name refers to a direction to the staff to save whatever is left after the guests have finished gobbling. – Miss Manners, 1989

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Fashion Etiquette – Artistic Ruling

“During World War II the Government understood the importance of teaching our military men and women some of the subtleties of proper social behavior in foreign lands. Proper American social behavior was not enough. Our soldiers and sailors learned to remove their shoes before entering a Japanese home, or a Mohammedan mosque, or a Buddhist temple. They squatted or sat cross-legged at table and ate out of communal dishes in Mohammedan lands and in various Oriental countries.... They tried to remember certain shibboleths ... If this works under the stress of war, it will work in peacetime. As much as possible, while still identifying ourselves as Americans, we should behave as those we visit behave, not try to take the freest manners and language of our Main Streets abroad.” Amy Vanderbilt

Hair Do Will Be Short Bob –

“Artistic Disorder Ruling of Fashion”

CHICAGO, Sept. 15. Milady’s hair-do this fall will be a short bob, with a touch of “artistic disorder,” and the reason is time-saving for the war worker, the WAAC, the WAVE and the WAAF. So guest hairstylist Reno of Hollywood told the 23rd annual convention of the American Cosmeticians National Association today. The “disorder” which to Reno is “carefree, casual and careless, but artistic”—is what distinguishes the coiffure of this wartime autumn from the curt, crisp boyish bob of the last decade. – Madera Tribune, 1942

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Wine

 

 It has become the norm for at least three different wines to be served at a formal dinner, though the amount really depends on the hosts of the meal and the number of courses being served. Pairing foods with different types of wines is a relatively recent culinary art. It has developed and fostered a host of books and guidelines for the pairings of a variety of foods and particular wines to go with them. In restaurants which offer excellent wines, sommeliers are often on hand to make food pairing recommendations for those who may be unsure of their choices. The idea behind the pairing of foods with certain wines, is the belief that elements such as texture, aroma and flavor in both the food and the wine, will interact with one another, and finding the perfect balance of the two, will make one’s meal more enjoyable and memorable. But as taste is subjective from one palate to the next, there are those who feel wines should be enjoyed without advice from “experts” on the subject.

“Sip Your Wine  – Do Not Guzzle”

– Wine Institute Speaker

To enjoy the aroma or bouquet, the beauty of color and taste, wine should be sipped and not guzzled. This was the statement of H. F. Stoll of the Wine Institute of California in speaking to the Madera Rotary club today. Wine should be taken a bit at a time for greatest enjoyment, much as one eats bread with a meal. Wine was never intended to be used for its “kick.” The red table wines should be used with red meats and white wines with fish or fowl. Sweet wines are used as refreshers or appetizers. 

The talk of the intoxicating affect of champagne was declared bunk; and that the alcoholic content of champagne is low. Table wines, when once uncorked and only partly used, should be tightly corked and turned upside down to preserve them indefinitely, otherwise air will enter the bottle and it will sour. The speaker declared that the Wine Institute is doing much to debunk the foreign theories on use of wine and to educate people to the proper use and etiquette of serving wine. – Madera Tribune, 1942

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia