Etiquette of Washington DC Hostesses

“The job of hostess to the Vice President-elect was filled. Possibly spurred on by applications from eager ladies (‘I didn't know whether they wanted to marry me or hire out to me’), Alben Berkley named his daughter, Mrs. Max Truitt.” ~ TIME Magazine, November 29, 1948 – Image of “Mrs. Max Truitt” from Truman Library. gov

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The Vice President’s daughter was always referred to as “Mrs. Max Truitt” in the press, as at that time, married women were always referred to as “Mrs.” Followed by the names of their husbands. That rule was not relaxed until 30 years later when the “Guidelines for News-writing about Women,” was compiled by Stanford University Women’s News Service and released and circulated to media outlets and to women’s groups in 1978. It took another 30 years or more for it to become commonplace in many parts of the United States. ‘“Prefixes indicating marital status should be avoided.” Why? What about the woman who is proud to be Mrs. John Doe, along with any other accomplishments?’ lamented one Southern California, female journalist at the time.

‘Dolly-Alice’ Social Row May Disappoint Ladies of Washington D.C.

CAPITAL HOSTESSES, who haven't enjoyed a good social row since the days of Dolly Gann and Alice Longworth's spat over who should sit where at dinner, have been glowing with anticipation over the problem of who will be Vice President Barkley's official hostess, and where she will rank at official dinners. Vice President Barkley, like Vice President Charlie Curtis, is a widower. That was why Curtis' half-sister, Mrs. Edward Everett Gann, was made his official hostess.

And it was the question of whether the vice president's sister or the wife of Speaker Longworth preceded the other at dinner which threw social Washington into such a hubbub during the Hoover administration. However, Alben Barkley may disappoint the ladies. Alben is not averse to going out to dinner. In fact, he is in great demand. But he doesn't relish social rows.

Furthermore, his counterpart is also single Speaker-to-be Sam Rayburn. Close friends, Sam and Alben have been going out together as widowers for so long that the idea of their rowing over protocol brings smiles to those who know them.

Barkley Sam was married once, so Rayburn long ago that most people think he was always a bachelor. He has no official hostess and doesn't intend to have one. Barkley says he’s had a “number of applicants” for the Job, but if he needs an official hostess, he will draft his daughter, gracious Mrs. Max Truitt. — By Drew Pearson for The Minneapolis Star, Nov 18, 1948

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of a Dinner Guest List

Alice Roosevelt Longworth, the legendary daughter of Teddy Roosevelt, took great pleasure in inviting people to her dinners who hated each other, and then seating them next to each other. Then she would watch with glee as they either squirmed in discomfort or took out after each other. (She also had a needlepoint pillow in her drawing room that said, If you haven't got anything nice to say about anyone, come and sit here by me.)

Sometimes I'm in the mood for large parties, but there are times I really enjoy just having dinner with six or eight people. If you're going to do a small dinner, though, it is crucial that the guests be compatible.

Alice Roosevelt Longworth, the legendary daughter of Teddy Roosevelt, took great pleasure in inviting people to her dinners who hated each other and then seating them next to each other. Then she would watch with glee as they either squirmed in discomfort or took out after each other. (She also had a needlepoint pillow in her drawing room that said, If you haven't got anything nice to say about anyone, come and sit here by me.)

I never did understand the point of that. It just seemed mean and sadistic to me. Remember the Golden Rule. I certainly don't want to be in the room with someone I intensely dislike, much less be seated next to that person. I want to relax and have a good time. So do most people unless they are perverse. Certainly you don't want people who agree on everything. That's boring, which is the ultimate sin in party giving. You definitely want spirited debate at the table. I always like it when my guests start throwing their napkins at one another. But it should be friendly and fun. You shouldn't, for instance, put a serious pro-choice person next to a determined pro-life person, or a spokesperson for PETA (the animal protection group) next to someone wearing a fur coat.

Toni and Jamie Goodale (she’s a development consultant in New York; Jamie is a First Amendment lawyer) had a large book party for Ben a few years ago, and in walked, at the same time, Dan Rather and Connie Chung, who had just split up their CBS Evening News anchor team, as well as Judge Kimba Wood and writer Michael Kramer, who were in the midst of a very public divorce. Some of the guests, assuming that these people would not be speaking to one another, rushed up to Toni to advise her to separate them. As it turned out, they were all fine about it and it wasn’t a problem. But it did remind me that people often agonize about their roles as host or hostess in these situations. 

My feeling is this: invite whom you want. If your guests are worried that somebody they don’t like will be there, they don’t have to come. If they find themselves arriving at the same time as somebody they’re not speaking to, or in a room with someone they are uncomfortable with, let them work it out. That’s not your problem

Years ago I was planning a party in my old bachelorette apart ment on California Street. I invited the writer Larry McMurtry and two women who were both interested in him and, unbeknownst to me, had had words with each other. One of the women, a close friend, told me that if I didn't uninvite the other she would never speak to me again. I did uninvite the other woman, reluctantly, and she has barely spoken to me since. And I don’t blame her. We’re all older and wiser now. I would never do that again.

I recently had a party where a guest was entering the front door and another guest, who had just been publicly fired by him, quietly whispered to me that he was leaving, and slipped out the kitchen door.

If you are among writers and journalists, you should be especially careful not to put a guest next to someone who has written something awful about him or her.

Sometimes, though, it's hard to know. Once, at a Swedish embassy lunch years ago, I was seated next to New York Times columnist Bill Safire, who had just written something that I considered negative about my husband. Of course, in high dudgeon, I turned my back on him and refused to speak to him the entire time. This was really awkward for everyone at the table, and I felt extremely bad about it. You can imagine, then, my chagrin when, after lunch, Ben came over to the table and threw his arm around Safire with a big friendly grin and a hearty “How are you, ole boy?” (Bill has since become an admired friend.) So much for loyalty.

Ben and Kay Graham are very much alike on this score. Neither one of them is capable of carrying a grudge. Sometimes people will write bad things about Kay that upset her, and I don't speak to them for years. Then I'll go to her house for dinner and there they'll be, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, her new friends.

The question of whether or not to invite people who have been disgraced is always an issue. Maybe you don't know anyone who’s been disgraced, but then you obviously don't live in Washington. Half the people here are publicly disgraced at some point your in their careers for various reasons. My feeling is that decision should be made on a case by case basis. How close are you to the person? Is the person somebody you need to stand up for, no matter what he or she did? Did the person actually commit a crime, or was the disgrace a little more personal, like getting caught with a prostitute, for instance, or having an affair, or being drunk and disorderly?

Oh, what is the poor hostess to do?

As always, the answer is simple. Do what you believe is the right thing to do, not what people think you should do. If the person has committed some crime and you basically believe that he or she is a truly decent human being who made a mistake, stand by your friend and invite him to your party. Have him next to you at the front door as you greet people, to show that you are supporting him. If your guests are offended, too bad. They can leave.  — From Sally Quinn’s 1997 book, “The Party: A Guide to Adventurous Entertaining”

🍽 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Washington’s Princess

A favorite of the press for flouting the expected etiquette and social norms of the era, Alice Roosevelt (daughter of U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt), made society page headlines with antics that would make some of today’s vulgar reality show “stars” blush. Taking every advantage of her wealth and beauty as a debutante in the Gilded Age’s aristocratic society, the press soon dubbed her “Princess Alice.” Commenting on her every move,  even a shade of blue-gray, which was reportedly her preferred color, was popularized in the news as “Alice blue” and later immortalized by a song it inspired, “In My Sweet Little Alice Blue Gown.” After her 1906 marriage to an Ohio State Representative, Nicholas Longworth, she devoted more time to politics, and less to society, though her personality changed little. Her scathing imitation of her first cousin, Eleanor Roosevelt, was a popular social entertainment in Republican circles, and she purportedly kept a embroidered pillow in her home which read, “If you can’t say something good about someone, sit right here by me.”  Alice remained active in political circles long after her husband’s death, earning her the nickname, “Washington’s other monument.”  Her continued commentary, biting wit and gossip on the D.C. political scene, kept Alice in the news well into her later years. She passed away in 1980.

“Strenuous Princess” Alice Jarred Prohibition Women

There is something courageous in the bellicose attitude of the ladies of the Kentucky Prohibition party who have had the temerity to criticise the President’s daughter in a set of resolutions. Though everybody should have proper respect for the President and his family, there is often a tendency to toadyism and undue obeisance. The Kentucky delegation of women Prohibitionists were recently incensed to discover that some of the “mere men” of the party had invited Mrs. Alice Roosevelt Longworth to attend the Prohibitionist Convention at Columbus, Ohio, as Kentucky’s Guest of Honor. As soon as this matter was brought to the attention of the ladies they passed some resolutions to the effect that Mrs. Longworth would not be welcome because she had attended the Lexington horse-races with a well-known man of the world, because she smokes cigarettes, and because she lately forgot her years and dignity so far as to place a tack on a chair in the gallery of the House at Washington, causing much pain and annoyance to a diplomatic visitor.

There was a great buzzing of voices to prevent the adoption of the resolution, for fear it might be construed as an insult to the President, but the resolution was passed, and the friends of the Princess were mortified. It may be that the incident is to be regretted, but if a President will give the country his strenuous daughter, she can hardly expect any other than a strenuous handling. Kentucky women are accustomed to high ideals, having been reared in an atmosphere of chivalry where etiquette and the proprieties of life have found their most delicate bloom. They can not tolerate the hoiden, or any woman whose ideas of a good time, find materialization in school-boy pranks of a character likely to cause a distinguished diplomat to spring through the ceiling or to die of lockjaw from the presence of a tack which catches its victim in the manner that the Princess caught hers. 

Possibly Mrs. Longworth is to be excused for her strenuous joking, and it is probable that the desire to catch unsuspecting quarry may have been inherited from her father, who has been trapping and hooking and shooting game for many years. The ladies of Kentucky are to be congratulated at any rate for having the courage of their convictions and refusing to tremble in the presence of the daughter of a President, when it recognizes as Princely qualities nothing that falls short of the best breeding, in the most refined American homes.— Sacramento Union, 1908

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia