Etiquette: A Law of Mutual Kindness

Precious few of us are such spellbinders that we can hold an audience on the intrinsic thrillingness of our discourse, nor are we brilliant enough humorists to provoke with our wit the ready laugh that etiquette hands us. Yet which one of us would enjoy a listener who frankly yawned when he was bored, or felt called upon to tell us that he had heard our cherished best story a million times before? 

Dorothy Dix Answers Writer Who Says ‘Etiquette Makes Hypocrites of Us’

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Conventions of Society Save Us Heartaches and Help to Keep Us Happy

Not long ago I wrote an article for this column in which I spoke with enthusiasm of the school for manners that the University of New York is going to inaugurate. A man reader takes exception to my views. He writes: “I disapprove highly of all the etiquette, because etiquette robs us of sincerity. If you go into a room and find people there who are not of the slightest interest to you, why should you hypocritically be sympathetic to their troubles, and rejoice in their happiness, when in reality you do not care whether they live or die? Yet etiquette requires you to do that. Etiquette will stop you from telling a man that he is a liar, or a woman that she is old and ugly. Etiquette prescribes that you smile when you have not the slightest desire to do so. Etiquette forces you to listen to the boresome conversation and long-winded stories of others. Etiquette forces you to do that which you do not desire to do, and to leave undone that which you wish to do.”

“What is the good of etiquette?’’ Etiquette is simply one of the rules of the game. When human beings rose above beasts who were continually at each other’s throats and decided to live together in peace and harmony, they found out that they would have to agree upon certain things that they could do, and couldn’t do, and that everyone must respect these unwritten laws because it made things pleasanter for everybody. Out of this grew what we call the conventions of society and etiquette, and, foolish and arbitrary as they sometimes seem, they invariably rest upon some human need and represent the accumulated experience of centuries of man’s dealing with man, and the best way to do it. Moreover, etiquette is nothing more nor less than the golden rule dressed up in party clothes and with a flower in its buttonhole. It teaches us to treat others as we would like to have others treat us. It makes us respect other people’s privacy and opinions, and be careful of their susceptibilities as we would like to have them respect ours. 

You can have no better illustration of the happy working out of etiquette than in the very instances cited by my correspondent. He asks scornfully why he should appear to sympathize with the joys and sorrows of people for whom he cares nothing. Doubtless this man never takes the trouble to write a note of condolence when there is a death in the family of some acquaintance, or telephone a congratulation good luck comes the way of a neighbor. Yet how would he feel if, when he entered a room, nobody greeted him with a pleasant and cordial word because no one happened to be vitally interested in him? Would he not be cut to the heart if his wife or child lay dead and no human being spoke a word of sympathy to him? Would not the happiness of his success be dimmed if not a man put out a hand and said: “Good for you, old chap, I’m awfully glad for you”? 

My correspondent says that etiquette forces us to listen with an affectation of interest to tedious conversationalists, and laugh over jokes that we cut our teeth on in our cradles. Let us thank Heaven that it does. Precious few of us are such spellbinders that we can hold an audience on the intrinsic thrillingness of our discourse, nor are we brilliant enough humorists to provoke with our wit the ready laugh that etiquette hands us. Yet which one of us would enjoy a listener who frankly yawned when he was bored, or felt called upon to tell us that he had heard our cherished best story a million times before? 

And if etiquette prevents us from enjoying the sacred joy of telling a man that he lies, or a woman that the least observing eye can see that she is ten years older than she pretends to be, and that anybody can tell that her complexion and her hair are only hers by right of purchase, is it not as broad as it is long, for it keeps other people from saying the same brutal things to us? As for etiquette being the mother of insincerity, that is nonsense. There is more to praise than to blame, more to admire than to criticize, more to like than to hate in the world. Why is it not as honest to speak of a person’s good qualities as his bad qualities? Why isn’t it as sincere to turn a cheery, bright face upon the people at your breakfast table and in your office as it is to grouch in gloom? And as for sympathizing with the joys and sorrows of those about us, even if we don’t know them very well and are not particularly attached to them, surely that is just the throb of a common humanity that makes us all kin. 

At its worst, etiquette is merely assuming the virtue of consideration of others by those who have it not, and that is better than the brutality of the savage, who goes his own way unmindful of the rights of others. When we all get to be angels, altruistically intent on promoting each other’s happiness, we can do without etiquette; but until that time arrives, blessed be good manners that make it bad form for us to step on each other’s toes and do and say things we are prompted to do.— By Dorothy Dix in the San Francisco Call, 1916

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Affectation vs Tact and True Politeness

“It’s not the correct fork which exhibits good manners, but the person eating from the fork.”  

– Maura J. Graber

“Consideration of others is the foundation of all good manners, and the man or woman who lacks that, has mere affectation in the place of tact and true politeness.” –Above- A gilded age, ice cream fork.

The Occult Law of Trifles in Etiquette

One of the want breaches of etiquette of which you may be guilty is to attempt to teach your acquaintances etiquette. If you invite a friend to luncheon at a restaurant for instance, or accept her invitation, you thereby confess that a degree of social equality exists between you and her. And if she eats her oysters with an ordinary fork instead of with the trident that has been specially provided for that purpose it is not within your province to correct her; unless she has previously recognized you as the guardian of her manners. 

If she chooses to convey ice cream to her mouth by means of a spoon instead of a fork, let her do it unmolested. The matter is not of the slightest consequence, and to be in constant fear of transgressing some occult law of etiquette one’s self, or of associating with persons who do so, is to prove one's self not to the manner born and by nature a snob. Even if your country guest eats with her knife in public, you will prove yourself a provincial by paying any attention to it. If it happens to be her custom, to which she has been reared, and if you have a cosmopolitan mind, it will be too insignificant a thing to worry you. However technically perfect your own manners may be, they will exhibit a glaring deficiency if you correct those of other grown persons. 

Besides you are not sure of infallibility, and it is not impossible that you may occasionally rebuke a person who knows even more on the subject than you do and is behaving quite properly in the eyes of the cultivated world. When she eats her cheese with her knife, she is merely following the English habit, and it is quite permissible to take olives, corn, undressed lettuce and lump sugar in the fingers. Again, many of the actions that you consider faulty may be due to the absence of mind engendered by lively conversation, white others are accidents to which anybody is liable. 

Most persons whom one meets socially, have a sufficient knowledge of etiquette to be at home among the people with whom they associate, and that is all that is necessary. A really well bred person never rests her faith on such minute trifles as the angle at which the knife is left or the number of crumbs to be permitted to fall from the piece of bread. Consideration of others is the foundation of all good manners, and the man or woman who lacks that, has mere affectation in the place of tact and true politeness. – Judie Chollet, Wilmington Morning Star, 1894

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Rebutting an Etiquette Editorial

A lady of leisure, squandering time, in the early 1900’s? — Part of a Saturday Evening Post editorial suggesting that “etiquette is an invention of leisurely people for the deliberate purpose of squandering time.” But, we know better!

Good Manners Define Etiquette 

“Etiquette was, and still is, invented by people obsolved from the necessity of working for a living; and its only purpose is to afford a constant, indubitable sign that its inventors can afford to waste their time in learning nice ceremonies and pretty conventions.” This is part of the Saturday Evening Post’s editorial printed recently to make out that etiquette is an invention of leisurely people for the deliberate purpose of squandering time. 

Such a position is so inherently wrong that its rebuttal is contained in the commonly observed fact that some of the most impoverished and hardworking people are the most inherently polite, and on the contrary, some of the most impolite people to be found in a careful search will be found to be those who have the most leisure, and the most time. The worst dawdlers are generally the most impolite, and they are impolite for the reason that, having no heed for time, they take no heed of manners. Manners, politeness, etiquette are all inspired out of consideration for others.—Wichita Eagle, 1914

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette in Cultured Society

“So let me get this straight... If I work on my table manners, and I get a knowledge of dining room etiquette and stuff, then I'll get a passport to the most highly cultured society?”

 How many girls who dined out for the first time with their “best beau” fail to enjoy their food, because they do not know the proper table customs?

IT was not until many homes became afflicted with frozen gas that I realized what poor table manners exist in the average home. Many families betook themselves and their ill-mannered children to the nearby moderate priced restaurant. In a suburban restaurant, a mother with two children sat near me. 

There was a boy of 8 and a girl of 6. The unsuspecting waiter put down the usual glasses of water and a semi-sliced half loaf. In the grabbing which ensued the unoffending loaf was deluged with water. “Stop that, you two, or I’ll— I’ll...’’ and then catching my eye she apologetically said, “Isn’t this awful? You see, the children never ate away from home before; our gas is frozen and...” — But here her conversation was interrupted for it was necessary for her forcibly to separate both children from the celery. 

And these bad table manners were not limited to children by any means. Mothers and fathers and other home-bound relatives “forced into the open” by frozen gas or burst pipes, convincingly showed that they never had eaten away from home. Yet it is a simple matter to acquire good table manners, and good table manners are ever an asset. 

The earlier these are acquired, the more fortunate the child. I know a physician of prominence whose early training in this respect was neglected, and today his method of gripping his fork as if it were a cudgel, is a constant source of embarrassment to his highly cultured wife. How many girls who dined out for the first time with their “best beau” fail to enjoy their food because they do not know the proper table customs?

“She surely is a pretty girl.’’ said a young man to me recently, “but it would take me years to teach her table manners before I could let mother see her eat.” One mother of six young children whom I know, has exceptionally well mannered children. When her gas froze up, neighbors with the daintiest of table appointments were only too glad to have these little guests. In answer to my question, “How did you do it?” she told her secret. 

She said that as soon as each child was able to hold a spoon, he was taught to hold it “properly.” He was taught ‘‘respect” for food. The ethical side of eating was impressed upon him. To toy with food was wrong. She believes in one clean white tablecloth a week. And each child felt it his or her duty to keep this immaculate. The boys were taught consideration for ihe girls. The rest was easy. The children had a solid foundation upon which to build their table conduct. The rest came with practice. 

“Elbows close to the sides when eating.” was mother's gentle but constant suggestion. Only food too soft to be conveyed to the mouth with a fork should be eaten with a spoon. The children were taught how to cut or prepare the food on the plate before conveying it to the mouth. No child’s food was hashed up by the mother and then eaten with a spoon. Tlie children used their own muscular power and the food was chosen with an eye to their abilities and this direction. 

Only pleasant conversation was permitted. And crying, wailing, arguing or cave-man methods of obtaining one-share meant that the child had to leave the table before the meal was concluded. "So much trouble." I hear some one whisper. Well, everything worth while takes time and patience. 

This woman may not have much cold cash to leave these children when she passes on, but she will leave them with good table manners and a knowledge of dining room etiquette which is often a passport to the most highly cultured society. — Loretto C. Lynch in the Los Angeles Herald, 1918

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Retro Phone Etiquette

     

Impatient “jiggling” of the hook to signal the operator does not flash the small lamp on the switchboard. 

Phone Etiquette Advice is Given

Keenly appreciative of the value of correct telephone usage in newspaper work, the New York Sun is at present, running a series of suggestions for telephone etiquette in its popular column entitled ’The Sun's Rays" for the information of readers.

Forty two items have been included to date in the series, a number of which follow:

                        

“Guess who this is” was never good telephone manners. 

Telephone Etiquette

• The old - fashioned "Hello" when answering the telephone has become obsolete through the modern usage of the name or telephone number to identify one's self. 
• Placing the receiver on the hook gently prevents making a disagreeable noise in the other party’s ear and eliminates possible damage to the instrument. 
• Telephone manners are important for voice to voice courtesy and as important as face to face politeness. 
• “Guess who this is” was never good telephone manners. The modern telephone user establishes his identity immediately. 
• A courteous way to start the day right is with a sincere “Good morning.”
• Good breeding is revealed quite as much by courteous manners over the telephone as though you were physically present. 
• Talking directly into the mouthpiece with it a half inch away, will enable the one to whom you are speaking to get your message without straining to hear you. 
• Impatient “jiggling” of the hook to signal the operator does not flash the small lamp on the switchboard. The right and effective way is to move the hook up and down slowly.—The Madera Tribune, 1928 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Telephone Etiquette and Success

A Pleasing and Distinct Voice 

is a Real Asset!

Telephone etiquette, declares the Christian Science Monitor, is not limited to any arbitrary rules laid down for the instruction of its subscribers. 

Telephone Etiquette Combination of Common Sense and Consideration

What may be called telephone etiquette, declares a writer in the Christian Science Monitor, is not limited to any arbitrary rules laid down by this or that telephone company for the instruction of its subscribers. But it is so far-reaching as to include all the general amenities of daily life now associated with the use of the telephone that make things easier and pleasanter for all concerned and, incidentally insure the best results. 

A "party line" was a telephone line or circuit shared by two or more subscribers.

Like most rules of etiquette, the writer finds that the underlying rule of telephone etiquette is a combination of common sense and consideration for others. Co-operation is the word used in telephone circles, but it is a product of co-operation not only on the part of the one who calls, but also of the operator and of the person who answers the call.

Good manners on the telephone, in its use both in business and social relations, is dependent upon clear enunciation. Not only is it courteous to make oneself understood by the person answering the call, but it is necessary that the operator should understand quickly and clearly, not only the number given, but the name of the exchange.

Another effect of improved enunciation is that it becomes a valuable social and business accomplishment, for unconsciously, the intelligent use of the telephone leads to a more careful choice of words and a more pleasing tone of voice. An upward inflection of the voice gives a cheerier air to the conversation. 

Good telephone manners also include thoughtfulness as to the time.

Brevity and conciseness over the telephone should not be mistaken for curtness or brusqueness, which are always quickly noticeable at the other end of the wire, and should be carefully avoided. Another element of telephone etiquette is the prompt answer to a call and in making yourself known at once, while the party who makes the call Is usually the one who should end the conversation. 

Good telephone manners also include thoughtfulness as to the time the calling person is on the wire and reasonable brevity in the conversation, especially when one is using a party line. —The Madera Tribune, 1927

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia