Etiquette and Meals on a Tray

“Etiquette may have been forced to recognize the buffet dinner, which is barely this side of the border that separates civilization from chaos, but it does not require any human being to use a knife and fork to attack a plate supported only by his own bedridden lap.” ~ Lady Mary of Downton Abbey, enjoying breakfast on a sturdy legged bed tray. – Image source, Pinterest

Meals on a tray don't have to be unappetizing, do they?

People who receive meals on trays are not generally in a position to complain about them. The position they are usually in is bed, and the tray is presented either as a great favor, such as breakfast-in-bed for a special day, or as a necessity to someone who is being waited on because of illness. "Surprise!" the tray-bearer shouts, when one was snuggling in for a lazy morning; or "Look what we have here," when one has been struggling against an unpleasant physical sensation.

But no one wants to spoil a treat or overload someone on whose labors one depends for the comfort of existence. So even the grumpiest person will usually muster an "Oh, how lovely" at a surprise tray, or a lower-key "Oh, good" at an expected one, and postpone the nose-wrinkling until the tray-bearer has left the room.

That is not to suggest that it doesn't matter what one puts before such people. Miss Manners believes that meal trays, as much as table settings, ought to be done properly. Anyway, the person who brings the tray is usually responsible for cleaning up afterward and probably does not want to give the bedclothes an extra washing.

The first rule of meal trays, therefore, is that they ought to balance. Miss Manners is not talking about the basic food groups, but about the human knees. Etiquette may have been forced to recognize the buffet dinner, which is barely this side of the border that separates civilization from chaos, but it does not require any human being to use a knife and fork to attack a plate supported only by his own bedridden lap.

Trays with legs are one solution; hospital tables that swing across beds are another. Otherwise, one imitates hotel room service and brings in a table or uses one already there to set up a cozy dining area next to the bed or elsewhere in the bedroom.

Yes, that counts as breakfast in bed. The practice of forcing mobile people to stay in bed to receive the honor of the meal without benefit of toothbrush or other such refinements is not a kind one.

The proper tray setting begins with a tray cloth. (You do too have one: When it is in the dining room, it calls itself a table mat.) Lest anyone protest that this is an over-refinement on the part of someone who is well known to stay up nights thinking of ways to add to honest people's ironing loads, Miss Manners asks you to consider the advantage of placing absorbent material between the food and the blanket.

There should be not exactly - a centerpiece a decoration. A single flower in an extremely short bud-vase, or a blossom lying waterless on the tray, to be transferred to a glass or a hairdo, is customary. Non-perishable decorations- a toy, a figurine, a pretty mineral sample scaled to tray size, are also appropriate.

Real flatware and plates and glasses are a necessity. Miss Manners doesn't even like picnic disposables at picnics, but grass at - least absorbs accidents. It is not less work in the long run, Miss Manners assures you, to have the bedridden one attempt to cut meat with a plastic knife or consume soup from a melting spoon.

Nor is this the time, if there is such a time ever, for paper plates. It is a time to use the odd bit of good china that is left over from a broken set. Special tray sets of china, mostly designed for breakfast, with egg cups and matching china covers with little flower-sprig patterns all over them, are adorable, but there are items. from a child's good tea set that will do just as well. – Miss Manners, 1984

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

A 2nd Debut Table Setting Review

“Breakfast and luncheon napkins may be small, but dinner napkins should be from 18 to 20 inches square. They are placed to the left of the silver, or if the table is crowded, on the service plate.” ~ This very early 20th C. breakfast setting is confusing as the napkins are placed in a way that guests may wonder which napkin belongs to whom… 

TABLE SETTING IMPORTANT FOR PROPER DINNER

Homemakers' Bureau Suggests How to Arrange Linens, Dishes and Silverware

Table setting is often a problem for housewives. Books of etiquette sometimes disagree sharply as to what's proper. Sometimes it's a matter of geography, too, with the East and West far apart. For western homes, where informality is the rule, the Safeway Stores Homemakers Bureau has prepared guide. Here in outline form, are its main points:

• Table linen should be spotless. 
• Doilies, either linen or lace, are appropriate for informal luncheons and dinners. 
• Colored linens are used only for luncheon and breakfast.
• For more formal service, completely cover the table, using linen or banquet cloth or an elaborate lace cloth. This is placed on the bare polished table and not over colored cloth.
• Napkins should match linen in color if not in material.
• Breakfast and luncheon napkins may be small, but dinner napkins should be from 18 to 20 inches square. They are placed to the left of the silver, or if the table is crowded, on the service plate. 
• They may be folded in a triangle for breakfast or lunch but the usually folded very simply for dinner. 
• If folded in rectangular shape, place with open lower corner nearest the plate. 
• Never stand a napkin on the table.
• Table decorations should be kept simple. A centerpiece is always appropriate, but should be kept low, not obstructing the view across the table. 
• Candles have no place on the luncheon or tea table unless they are lighted and the room darkened by drawing the shades. 
• Silverware, whether plate or sterling, should be kept well polished and courses should not be included in the menu if the proper silver is not available. However, it is possible to substitute for various pieces. 
• The position of flat silver is, as a rule, one inch from the edge and vertical to the edge of the table, placing it in correct sequences as used, beginning from the outside and working towards the plate. – San Bernardino Sun, 1934

This article is a second debut article first published here in October 2017.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dining Customs of the Zuni

Public domain issue of the notable weaver and potter, “We'wha.” He was a two-spirit, Zuni Native American lhamana from New Mexico. According to Wikipedia, in traditional Zuni culture, “ihamana” are “biologically male people who take on the social and ceremonial roles usually performed by women in their culture, at least some of the time. They wear a mixture of women's and men's clothing and much of their work is in the areas usually occupied by Zuni women. Some contemporary ihamana participate in the pan-Indian two-spirit community.”

Zuni Cuisine and Table Manners

The code of differential politeness in the home, as taught by the matron of the casa, is a very definite an exacting one. No matter how hunger panged a family may be, it will not dine until all be present or their absence accounted for; and as soon as one has finished eating, all desist. But it is also an unpardonable breach of etiquette if any one is so badly mannered as to stop at his eating while any other has his hunger still unsatisfied.

The Zuni cuisine is a varied one, and a dinner, as placed on the floor before a family and its guests, will sometimes number a dozen plates, almost any one of which is a puzzle to a stranger. 

Corn, chiles, meats and vegetables are the main compounding ingredients of most of the dishes, and the results are generally satisfactory, although sometimes surprising to an alien. 

The greatest delicacy in all the list, according to native judgment, is made of stuffed and roasted sheep’s intestines, with their original and half-digested contents still remaining undrawn. A yard or more of the entrails of an animal, with added bits of suet, are wound upon a spindle- like stick and toasted. The outside only is well crisped, and as the eater slowly unwinds his bologna bobbin during the course of a long dinner, he will frequently lean it before the hearth blaze or lay it upon the embers to continue its roasting. 

Corn and wheat breads are made in great variety, and the yeast for their lightness is prepared by the women, who chew samp of corn. After being thoroughly masticated, the corn is mixed with fine meal and warm water, and fermented in small ollas left standing near the fireplace, when lime- flour and some old yeast are added. The sa-ko-we, as Zuni yeast is called, is an excellent leaven, if one will but calmly strangle his remembrance of its molared milling. By its use, meal made from blue corn will be changed to green, or yellow meal to blue, during baking.- Edward Page Gaston, in Woman's Home Companion, 1898

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Bedouin Dining and Customs

Sometimes the hostess (the oldest woman of the household or the lady who cooked) will pass or put the best pieces of meat in front of a guest of honor to make them feel particularly welcome.

 Top 8 Bedouin Table Manners

Bedouin Etiquette that People should know

Shamefully, as a child growing up, years before moving from Europe to the UAE, I would have taken an article title like this above, to be an oxymoron. Many undoubtedly held the belief that being a Bedouin would equate to no dining etiquette, and that somehow only our way of doing things was the correct and refined way. 

Fortunately, life has humbled me over the years to work for over a decade as a flight attendant serving all layers of society, and across all cultures. And as I saw members of royal families respect their roots on private jets I got to not only learn but deeply respect the extensive art of true and authentic Bedouin etiquette. Unfortunately, I encounter many people who have a narrow and snobbish perspective, avoiding touching food with anything but cutlery, and considering those who do otherwise as indulging in some lesser, "animalistic" behavior.

Our self-satisfaction with this marvelous instance of artificiality, however, should not lead us to assume that people who habitually eat with their hands are any less determined than we are to behave “properly.” They too overlay “animal” instincts with manners and indulge in both the constraints and the ornamentations which characterize polite behavior.

Bedouin hospitality is renowned worldwide, and a significant part of this hospitality is reflected in their dining etiquette. Meals are not just about food; they are about community, respect, and connection. 

In Bedouin culture, it is customary to eat with the right hand. The left hand is considered unclean as it is traditionally used for personal hygiene, and you should therefore hold it by your side. This practice emphasizes the importance of cleanliness and respect in communal settings. At weddings and formal gatherings, children bring jugs of water and soap for adults to wash their hands before and after eating. 

Here are the top 8 table manners in Bedouin etiquette that everyone should know and incorporate into their dining practices.

1. Communal Eating & the Art of Sharing — Meals are typically communal, with everyone sharing from a large central dish. This practice fosters a sense of unity and equality among diners. It teaches us the importance of sharing and being mindful of others while eating. When eating, you should always eat from the section of the tray that is directly in front of you and should not reach your hand to eat from another person’s section. This is considered rude and unhygienic. Sometimes the hostess (the oldest woman of the household or the lady who cooked) will pass or put the best pieces of meat in front of a guest of honor to make them feel particularly welcome.
2. Use of the Right Hand — In Bedouin culture, it is customary to eat with the right hand. The left hand is considered unclean as it is traditionally used for personal hygiene, and you should therefore hold it by your side. This practice emphasizes the importance of cleanliness and respect in communal settings. At weddings and formal gatherings, children bring jugs of water and soap for adults to wash their hands before and after eating. On less formal occasions, people still wash their hands before and after but they would help themselves. On private jets and Arab airlines, a round of wet towels is always served before and after the meal, and cleanliness continues to be an essential element of dining etiquette culture.
3. Avoid Licking Your Fingers — Cultures that built their cuisine around dining with the hands believe that eating with your hand improves the taste of the food. At the same time, this can ensure you do not burn your mouth. Take some of the food, knead it into a little ball, and slide it into your mouth with the use of one finger. In Bedouin etiquette, as opposed to other cultures, only three fingers are used to dine and not the whole hand, which would make you look greedy. However, it is bad manners to lick your fingers and then continue eating. If you can’t help but lick them, then you should not put your hand back in the food.
4. Waiting for the Elders — Elders are given the utmost respect, and meals do not begin until the eldest person at the table has started eating. Also, elders enter and sit first. This rule teaches us to honor and respect the wisdom and presence of older generations. This rule applies regardless of status, and many times the VIP or Royal will always wait for the eldest person to start eating. The respect they hold and the values maintained in society are genuinely moving, and attending Bedouin dining etiquette closely was like having a front-row seat to a lesson on respect and humility.
5. Serving Guests First — Guests are always served first, and the best portions of the meal are often reserved for them. This custom highlights the importance of making guests feel valued and appreciated. However, if you find yourself in the position of a guest, please be mindful of the guideline above and wait for the eldest to start eating before you "dig in," unless otherwise advised by the hosts.
6. Silent Communication — Much of Bedouin dining etiquette involves non-verbal communication. For example, when you want to indicate you do not want more tea, you can put your hand over the top of the glass. When you want to indicate you do not want more coffee, you wiggle or shake the cup as you hand it back to the person serving Arabic coffee. Ideally, the coffee cup should not be put down on the ground because if passed to be refilled, it will go on top of another cup for hygienic reasons. Learning these subtle cues can enhance our communication skills and ultimately our relationships.
7. Minimal Waste — Bedouins hold great value in offering an abundance of food as a sign of their great hospitality. The amount of food on the plate might worry you, but the dish is not supposed to be finished. Usually, they eat a modest amount of the food provided on the plate. An empty plate would make your host look bad, which is something you want to avoid at all costs. Rest assured, they place a high value on not wasting food and especially water. Show gratitude as a sign of respect for the food provided and the effort put into its preparation. Avoid holding the food you have in your hand for a long time hovering over the tray before eating it. Always finish the water given or take the bottle with you, even if you travel to the UAE and it all seems abundantly luxurious. Water is still a respected natural resource, and it will communicate a lot about your values and sense of respect.
8. Seated on the Floor — Traditional Bedouin meals are often served on the floor, with diners seated on cushions. It is rude to sit with the soles of your feet pointing towards another person, as the soles of your feet are unclean. Some people may have medical problems with their legs; in those cases, they will sit with their legs stretched out and a blanket, pillow, or scarf over their feet. People with certain health conditions (e.g., pregnant women, someone with arthritis) are also allowed and often encouraged by the people they are sitting with to sit with their legs stretched out. Bedouin etiquette also suggests that one should leave their shoes outside the sitting room, tent, or house, as the bottom of our shoes are dirty. If you need to keep them close to you, you would always put them behind you rather than in front of you where you are sitting. In addition, if one shoe becomes turned up so the sole is facing up, you should always turn it so the sole is facing down again.

The table manners of the Bedouin people offer a beautiful blend of respect, humility, and connection. By understanding and incorporating these practices into our dining experiences, we can create more meaningful and respectful mealtime interactions. Whether it is sharing a meal with friends, family, or strangers, these customs remind us of the importance of hospitality, gratitude, and community in our daily lives.

Contributor, Andreea Stefanescu, is an internationally accredited etiquette, communication, and cross-cultural management consultant. She holds an MBA in International Hospitality and Customer Service Management from GIHE, Switzerland, ranked as the top worldwide hospitality institution. With over 15 years of global experience, Andreea has lived and studied in eight countries, speaks four languages (RO, EN, FR, SP), and has traveled to 89 countries. She is the founder of The School of Manners, offering unparalleled expertise in international etiquette, intercultural communication, and human behavior.

Andreea’s extensive training includes certifications from renowned institutions such as the Protocol School of Washington, The English Manner, and the Institut Villa Pierrefeu. She is certified in micro-expressions, body language, and personality assessments, including MBTI®. Her professional experience spans luxury hospitality, private aviation, and training in Royal Etiquette and Diplomacy. 

As a communication specialist, Andreea has worked with high-profile clients, including executives, diplomats, and celebrities, helping them navigate diverse social and professional environments with confidence. Her approach emphasizes respect, empathy, and cultural sensitivity, making her a sought-after speaker and trainer on international platforms. 

Through The School of Manners, Andreea equips individuals and organizations with the skills to master etiquette, enhance their personal and professional presence, and build effective, culturally aware communication strategies. 

For more information, visit The School of Manners or contact Andreea at andreea@theschoolofmanners.com.

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

“Olympic Etiquette” Suggested in 1984

Americans hosting the Olympics were advised to avoid being the “Ugly American stereotype” while appreciating cultural differences. – The 1984 summer Olympic Games were held in Los Angeles and the mascot was the Disney designed, “Sam the Olympic Eagle,” an American eagle, which was featured on numerous posters and souvenirs. Sam also came as a stuffed, plush animal. He was meant to convey friendliness, optimism and patriotism.

A new civic ditty: Mind your manners this summer

Never mind massive traffic jams, the threat of terrorism, or the boycott by the Soviet team. The real foul ups in the XXIIIrd Olympiad coming to Los Angeles this summer could stem from much more harrowing breaches of international relations like going to a party for one of the Arabian teams and showing the bottom of your shoes to the host. No kidding. It's considered highly improper in some Middle Eastern countries to bare your sole like that at a social function. Think about it. How would you like your Hush Puppies to be the cause of the next oil embargo? The point here is that the Olympics is not just a spectacle of athletics, but a grand social occasion where parties will abound and men and women of many different cultures will be rubbing bended elbows. It's going to be important for hosts of these parties to appreciate cultural differences. When it comes to Olympic etiquette, they'd better be on their toes. One company that is trying to help Southern California's Olympic hosts this summer in that area

is Communication Development Associates of Century City. Judi Kaufman, president, has been offering a course for the past 18 months that was originally designed simply to help American businessmen recapture the lost art of proper etiquette, whether they are entertaining foreign or domestic guests. But these days Kaufman says her company is seeing an increase in interest from businesses that will be entertaining visitors here for the Olympic Games. "The Olympics is a time when we'll be hosting an international guest list in the city, and we need to be prepared to give people instructions on the street (or other help), and not be ugly Americans," Kaufman said in a phone interview. 

Etiquette is something that Americans let slide over the last 20 years, Kaufman says. The rule then was "do your own thing," but she now believes "the pendulum has swung back toward manners." Her course, entitled, "Good Taste is Good Business," covers such protocol issues as the guest list, making introductions, the art of conversation, table manners, "being remembered" (sending thank you notes and such), making other people feel important, and letting food be a catalyst for conversation. "It's really breaking ice by breaking bread," she said.

All well and good, but how does this translate into tips for party hosts who will be entertaining guests from many different countries? Let's say you want to exchange gifts with your foreign friends, a common thing to do. Kaufman urges you to remember that Europeans like to exchange gifts "only with really good friends. If Americans tried to give them too many gifts, it might be interpreted as a faux pas." But Japanese are avid gift givers, she says. "But it's important to let the Japanese person feel that his gift is slightly better than yours," she said. "In Arab countries, the gifts are almost ostentatious. They're very generous with gift giving. They almost feel it gains respect." Where do we sign for one of those? 

Feeding visiting guests can be tricky at times too. With the Japanese, Kaufman says you should remember they are just as uncomfortable using forks, knives and spoons as we are using chopsticks. She suggests preparing dinners of just "fork food." In addition, don't think you should provide a menu that would mirror the kind of cuisine the guest would have in his own country. Kaufman says you should serve "All American" fare like hamburgers and apple pie. Keep that same strategy in mind in your gift giving. Something that is peculiarly Californian might be a real treat for visitors. (Just make sure the hot tub will fit in their carry on luggage.) "As a general rule, people are coming here to see what we do," she said. 

One area in which you should make some concessions to the cultural differences, however, is in conversation. If you're talking with someone from Japan where behavior is perhaps more reserved than in other countries, a gregarious host may need to "pull back" some on his own style. "You kind of mold your behavior slightly, not completely," Kaufman said. Then there are those warnings that only take common sense. Let's say you happen to be playing host to Soviet officials; not likely since they say they're not going to come, but just pretend. You should probably stay away from such topics as politics and religion. "I would keep things in a light vein," Kaufman said. 

And whatever the country, try to show some interest in that nation's history. "It's a very good idea," she said. "These people will be ambassadors of good will." And what if you don't know much about the history of the country? "When in doubt, remember, be more reserved and ask a lot of questions," she said. Since the Olympics Is the ultimate athletic event every four years, Kaufman recommends that party hosts read the sports page every day. Keep up with how countries are doing, even if their teams haven't produced many medals. "To avoid something says more about ignorance

and rudeness," Kaufman said. "You better know about the athletes and play up their strengths." And if you're going to be introducing your guests to each other, it would serve you well to spend 15 to 20 minutes before the party practicing the pronunciation of those foreign names, Kaufman said. The point is, Kaufman says, that we are all hosts "every single one of us," so we should do what we can to make the best impression. And that doesn't mean being gracious just when you're at a beautifully catered party at somebody's mansion.

You can leave a good impression on visitors, for instance, when you get into the middle of those traffic jams that are predicted for L.A.'s freeways during the games. "We're all going to have to show the greatest patience," Kaufman said. "If we act like a typical L.A. driver and come out with four-letter words, that doesn't show our best side." If you're off the street and encounter a foreign visitor on a sidewalk who looks like he needs help, Kaufman says, "First of all, be anxious to help in any way you can.

"If you don't know the answer, you might tell them where they can get help. Be clear and quick, but polite. Talk slowly. Smile! If they don't understand the language, they certainly will understand a smile and pointing." It may sound old fashioned, Kaufman said, but just remember to treat people the way you'd like to be treated if you were visiting their country. "The whole Golden Rule can work wonders for you," she said. – By Dennis Kelly, Sun Staff Writer, San Bernardino Sun, 1984

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

“Office Etiquette for Business Women”

“Etiquette in an Office” of the day featured in a newspaper.

Good Manners Essential to Success

The great majority of successful business men and women have been and are possessors of strong personalities of the right sort, and by analyzing their climb to success it is amazing to discover how large a part good manners, good breeding and correct behavior have had in helping them to win the goal. There are, naturally, men and women who have reached the top by other than unselfish or courteous means, but they are in the minority and their perch is frequently a precarious one.

Value of Courtesy and Tact 

Courtesy also includes tact, an indispensable attribute if one is to attain even the slightest degree of success in the world. Tact has been occasionally spoken of as a somewhat hypocritical trait, but it need not necessarily be so. A tactful person is one who must exercise good judgment in “sizing up” a proposition, a present circumstance, the temper of a certain group of people or the idiosyncrasies of a particular individual. Such a person will make no move to antagonize, but will instead bring the utmost courtesy to bear in meeting the demands of the occasion. By this consideration, this polite and tactful manner of dealing with the issue in hand, he will be able to win others to his point of view or, at least, to make a favorable impression that can be productive of good results in his future. On the contrary, by rudeness, by a display of selfishness and a lack of the right consideration for the feelings of others one is deliberately closing and double-locking the door to every good the future may hold.

It is not in the business world alone that the little courteous habits we form add to the charm of our personality, for once such habits are formed we shall carry them with us everywhere. They will give us added value in the world outside the office; they will bring us added affection from our friends and even our immediate family. For we have, after all, to live in a very crowded world today we are being jostled on every side by men and women of all sorts and conditions and if we do not want to sink below the surface of the great tide of humanity, if we want instead to raise ourselves a little above it, we cannot afford to neglect anything which will serve to mark us favorably from among those surrounding us. The men and women who do this are those of outstanding personalities.

Opening the Door to Opportunity

Personality is the magic key that will open all the doors to opportunity and success. Of course courtesy alone will not build personality, one may be perfectly courteous and still be negligible; but there is rarely found a man or woman of fine personality who does not also show a courteous con sideration for others, a real kindness in his or her dealings with them and a genuine interest in matters which concern them. Each of us has to come into contact with so many different people every day of our busy lives that we should make almost any effort to draw them to us and to make a good and lasting impression on them. In many offices a woman's greatest chance of success rests with this power she has of making a good impression on the business men and women who have personal dealings with her employer.

Some men and women have been fortunate in being endowed at birth with a personality that all the world might envy; others have to develop personality as they go through life. And there is no royal road to its attainment; but by being, among other things, courteous, tactful and really interested in others, one can learn the full meaning of this undefined word and can enjoy to the utmost the advantages it will procure. – From “Office Etiquette for Business Women,” by Ida White Parker, 1924

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Business Women, 1924

‘… This ability to be interested in everything, to be ignorant of the meaning of the word “boredom” was one of the strongest and most alive traits in the personality of Theodore Roosevelt, and it was one of the means by which he impressed every one who met him with his unfailing courtesy. He was by nature one of the most courteous of men, and his wide experience and training made him “one of the greatest masters of etiquette.”’ ~ Whenever speaking of etiquette, another Roosevelt always comes to mind… Eleanor Roosevelt. Not only did she write a terrific book of etiquette and numerous etiquette articles and news columns, but she presided over the White House as First Lady during a time when so many women left their homes and went to work in factories to help the war effort during WWII. – Public domain image of Eleanore Roosevelt

Courtesy an Important Part of Personality

Personality is a word that has come into wide usage within recent years, but no one seems to be able to define it satisfactorily. We know what it means and we instantly recognize the quality when we meet some one who possesses it; but there are two sorts of personality. There is the kind that wins us, that draws us irresistibly to its possessor, and there is the kind that may be so sharply accented that we are repelled instantly. In both of these, courtesy, or the lack of it, plays an important part. It is just by taking a little thought, by learning the rules of the game as courteously played, that we can go far toward winning the desirable kind of personality if we are not so fortunate as to have been endowed with it in the beginning.

The prime ingredient of true courtesy is unselfishness, though there are many persons with charming and courteous manners who are paragons of selfishness at heart. Nevertheless, true courtesy calls for at least a momentary forgetfulness of self, for thought for others and for expression of that thought by outward deed and manner. We shall, of course, differ from each other in that expression according to our different individualities, and this is to be desired. A stereotyped manner or an exactly similar method of being courteous would make the world a drearily monotonous place in which to live and it would not be long before we should all be seized with a desire to be as discourteous as possible, if only to break this monotony.

Limiting One's Mental Outlook

To be courteous means also to be kind. It is only courteous to assume an attitude of interest when another is talking, even if one have no real interest in the subject under discussion. This considerate attention will create a good impression, will add to the effect of one’s personality and will help to develop a characteristic essential for success. And after all, when one finds it difficult to be interested in something entirely apart from his own affairs, or when one is easily “bored,” he at once establishes limits to his mental outlook and starts the formation of a habit that is certain to cut him off from much future enjoyment in life. This ability to be interested in everything, to be ignorant of the meaning of the word “boredom” was one of the strongest and most alive traits in the personality of Theodore Roosevelt, and it was one of the means by which he impressed every one who met him with his unfailing courtesy. He was by nature one of the most courteous of men, and his wide experience and training made him “one of the greatest masters of etiquette.”

This courteous attitude is essential in the daily intercourse with one’s officemates. It is difficult enough to live one’s business days harmoniously with the same group of men and women without friction; but it is infinitely more difficult to do so if each one selfishly lives for his own impulses and desires. Courtesy plays a big part here in smoothing the rough places, in making the necessary contacts as pleasant as possible and in preventing much unhappiness and dissatisfaction. – By Ida White Parker, 1924

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Hostess Gifts

In visiting friends for several days, should one upon one’s return, send a gift to the hostess? 

Filed Under “Standard Rules of Etiquette” 

Question: In visiting friends for several days, should one upon one’s return, send a gift to the hostess? 

Answer: While it is not necessary to send a gift to one's hostess, it is a gracious thing to do and is always appreciated. If one is a close friend of hostess, a gift may be taken when one goes on the visit, otherwise it is sent upon one's return. 

In any event, the house guest should send a “bread and butter” letter of gratitude and appreciation for his visit immediately upon his return from a house party. The letter itself may be very short but it must never be ignored nor must it be put off. Prompt acknowledgement of a visit is one of the essentials of etiquette. – Imperial Valley Press, 1931

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Bone Egg Spoon?

While it’s true that silver spoons could leave a metallic taste in the mouth when mixed with eggs, there was always a gilded option. These two gilded sterling eggs spoons had been available for many years, however, they were very pricey. Bone egg spoons, on the other hand, at eight cents each were quite reasonable for the time period. — Pictured above are two European egg toppers, or egg cutters, an Ivy pattern, Gorham gilded sterling egg spoon, a Whiting sterling egg spoon with a gilded, engraved bowl in the Lily of the Valley pattern and a lovely, Herend egg cup. 

I am indebted to a Scotch friend for something that has become well-nigh indispensable to me-my EGG-SPOON. It is made of bone and was brought to me from Scotland. Its advantages are, first, that one gets no taste of metal in eating eggs, as is the case with a silver spoon; second, that there is no discolored silver to be cleaned afterward. Since it was given to me, I have bought others for my family at one of the New York department stores for eight cents each, so they are within the reach of anyone who is interested. - B. F. S., New Jersey in Good Housekeeping, 1912

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Dinner Giving

In an age of questionable kitchen appliances it was often difficult to time meals, thus the best cooks and chefs were in high demand. — “It is very rude to keep other guests waiting for you, and to disturb the serenity of the hostess by delaying her dinner, thereby impairing the quality of the cooked viands.” 

In giving a dinner party it is very essential to know how many guests one is going to entertain. It is a serious inconvenience to have any doubt on the subject. Invitations are usually sent out in the following form:

The four capital letters constitute the initials of four French words, meaning "Answer if you please" (Respondez S'il vous plait). The person thus invited must not fail to reply at once, sending a messenger to the door with the note. It is considered impolite to send it by post, and then you are never certain that it will be received. 

If the person invited has any doubt about being able to attend the dinner at the time stated, he should decline the invitation at once. He should be positive one way or the other, not delaying sending the answer more than one day.

A prompt and decided answer declining, enables Mrs. Jones to supply the place with some other person, thereby preventing a vacant chair at the table. The same rule is applicable to a "German," as a well-bred hostess will not invite more than her house will comfort ably accommodate, and it is important for her to know at once if you intend to accept or decline her invitation.

On the appointed day of the dinner, the guest should arrive at the house ten or fifteen minutes before the appointed hour for dinner; avoid arriving too early, but never be too late. It is very rude to keep other guests waiting for you, and to disturb the serenity of the hostess by delaying her dinner, thereby impairing the quality of the cooked viands. 

She should not be expected to wait more than ten of fifteen minutes for any one. If an engagement makes a very early departure from a dinner party or other entertainment imperative, a guest should mention the fact to the hostess beforehand, and make his departure without leave taking, and unobserved. if possible, so as not to suggest the departure of others.

When the guests are assembled in the drawing room, the host or hostess can quietly intimate to each gentleman the lady he will take to the dining room, and how to find his place at the table. When the dinner is announced, the host should lead the way with the lady guest of honor, the hostess being the last to leave the drawing room.— From “Housekeeping and Dinner Giving in Kansas City,” Mrs. Willis, 1887

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Etiquette of Serving Breakfast

A Housekeeper’s Manual from the Gilded Age

  

HOW TO PREPARE AND SERVE BREAKFAST

When we first began to talk of editing this book, a gentleman said to me, "If you will tell how to cook a steak properly, that receipt alone will be worth the price of the book." To the old adage, "Time and tide wait for no man," I have added "my breakfast table." I do not think that gentleman will ever eat a nicely cooked steak in his own house, for he is never ready to sit down to the table when breakfast is served.

We will have the bill of fare to consist of broiled beefsteak, Saratoga potatoes, scrambled eggs, yeast powder biscuit, tea and coffee (see my receipts for preparing all of these dishes). After the servant has started her fire she sets the table, takes the plates to the kitchen to be warmed (in the winter), takes the dishes in which the breakfast is to be served to the kitchen; puts the skillet on the stove to get hot to fry the potatoes in; makes biscuits and puts them in three pans and sets them aside; cooks the Saratoga potatoes and sets them on the hot water reservoir to keep warm; breaks the eggs into a bowl and seasons them; puts the coffee on to boil. 

I have a regular hour for breakfast, but sometimes we might not be ready when it was announced, so I have a speaking tube to the kitchen, and I call to the cook to serve breakfast; that means to put the steak on to broil, and and all the household know that they have twenty minutes to get ready for breakfast. 

She puts the tea to steep, and the steak on to cook; the skillet or gridiron must have been placed on the back of the stove, to get hot before this time. You will readily see that the cook can follow one of my directions for broiling a steak, i. e., never to leave it until it is done. During the last three minutes the steak is cooking she can fill the teapot and pour it into the pot in which it is to be served; pour off the coffee; put the first pan of biscuits in to bake, just before filling the teapot. 

She now puts the tea, coffee, potatoes and steak on the table (see my rules for serving, as well as preparing these dishes), and announces break- fast; then puts another pan of biscuits in the stove, cooks the eggs, and brings them to the table.

By putting the pans of biscuits in the oven at different times, they can be served hot and freshly baked Now, my dear young housekeepers, you can see that it is just as easy to have a meal freshly cooked as to have it spoiled by mismanagement on your part, as well as the cook's. By being careful to observe how long it requires to properly cook an article, and what can be set aside to be kept warm, and what must be served as soon as cooked, you can always have your dishes in perfection.

If you have a first course of fruit or oatmeal, some of the dishes can be prepared while that is being served. Melons, oranges, and all kinds of fruits, should be served at breakfast. In their season, sliced tomatoes, with a mayonaise dressing, or plain vinegar, is a refreshing breakfast dish. A number of nice breakfast dishes may be found in receipts for entrées. — From “Housekeeping and Dinner Giving in Kansas City,” Mrs. Willis, 1887

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Chaperones and Eiquette for Olympics

Did the male athletes have chaperones in 1932? No… 

DALLAS, Aug. 9 (AP). Mildred “Babe” Didrikson, who established new world records in the 80-meter hurdles and the javelin throw at the Olympics, will return home here Thursday for probably the greatest welcome ever extended a Dallas athlete. Office workers in the city's skyscrapers have been collecting ticker tape all week to shower on her. ~ Newspaper clipping from 1932

At the 1932 Olympic Games, Chaperones and Trainers Watch the Girl Athletes

United Press Special Correspondent, Los Angeles, Aug. 5.—The team of Hall and Hall gave the team of Didrikson and Mac Combs a close race to the tape in the 80 meter hurdles for ladies in the 1932 Olympics. Babe Didrikson led her teammate, Evelyn Hall, by inches in the race which set a new world’s record of 11.7 seconds. 

But sharing closely in the first and second places with the two American girls were a husband and a coach. "I’ve always been coached by M. J. Mac Combs,” said Babe. “I pick out what I want to do and he shows me how to do it." Close to home is Evelyn Hall’s inspiration. "Leonard, my husband, started me in my track work and he’s coached me in the hurdles. It's really on account of him I was able to win.” 

The girls aren’t playing lone hands out on the stadium track and in the fencing armory. Coaches and chaperones are jealously guarding the athletes. Mrs. Hiroko Shiramaya, chaperone for the Japanese swimming team, feels almost like a mother to her Mandarin girls. "Every night I go through all their rooms after they’ve gone to bed,” she said. “They aren’t used to the weather here and throw their covers off. I go around twice each night to get them all tucked in.” 

Mrs. Shiramaya gets pretty tired taking care of her brood, but she likes it. “They’re nice girls and are having lots of fun in the hotel with the other athletes. For two weeks before they came to this country they went to a Y. W. C. A. in Japan where they learned table manners and etiquette of this country.” 

Mrs. Ellen Osiier, Denmark fencer and Olympic champion in 1920, has given up the chance for personal glory to chaperone the Danish team and officiate in the fencing matches. "Danish girls aren’t thinking much about anything except competing while the games are going on. Afterwards we will stay here until the games are over, then go home by way of San Francisco.” 

If anyone tries to spoil the athletic ability of Babe Didrikson or the rest of the American track team he must answer to Fred L. Steers. “These girls are just kids and don’t know what it’s all about — all this ballyhoo going on around them. They get along fine on the track and field but back here in the hotel with everyone making heroines out of them, they’re liable to hurt their own chances of winning.” 

P. Grobbelaar didn’t bring Marjorie Clark all the way from South Africa to have her spoil her chances of doing the best she can in the Olympics. So he keeps her from talking to outsiders on her track work. Mrs. Theodore Wright keeps Thelma Kench, sprinter, in tow to keep her from getting homesick for New Zealand. Helene Mayer, German fencer, is shadowed by Mrs. B. A. Mayer of Whittier, with whom she is going to stay between Olympic games and the opening of Scripps college. – By Mary Alice Parent, 1932

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Customs of Samoa

Eating commences when indicated, and using hands is common, though cutlery is often provided. Samoa has a delicious ‘natural’ cuisine, so be inquisitive and try everything. This is a considered a sign of great respect.

Living in Australia you get to meet many people from the Pacific Islands, such as Tonga, Samoa, Cook Islands, Fiji, Niue, Solomon Islands, Vanuatu and New Caledonia. Each island has its own languages and they are uniquely different from the other. a strong tribal and familial culture with a deep appreciation for a creator.

In the early 18th century, European contact began with Dutch and French explorers making their initial visits to Samoa. However, in the 1830s , it was the arrival of missionaries that significantly impacted Samoan society. They introduced Christianity, which quickly integrated with traditional beliefs, brought in a new way of dressing, foods and sadly diseases. 

Samoa has had its fair share of colonialising, in the late 19th century, leading to the islands being divided between Germany (and for a short while called ‘German Samoa’ yes,you heard that right!) and the United States. In 1962, Western Samoa gained independence, becoming the first Polynesian nation to do so, while American Samoa remains an unincorporated territory of the United States.

What did I see and learn from the Samoan people? I found them a very respectful, easy-going people who are known for their warmth, hospitality, and strong sense of community. Central to Samoan identity is the concept of "fa'a Samoa" or "the Samoan way," which emphasises family, respect, and social responsibility. You will find that the extended family or "aiga," where multiple generations live together, is a traditional lifestyle is evident in sharing resources and responsibilities. 

Family elders are held in very high esteem in the Samoan community, therefore leadership within these communities can be guided by a chiefly system. Samoa also has a royal family who is ruled by four major title holders – the Tupua Tamasese, Malietoa, Mata'afa, and Tuimaleali'ifano families.

On a Sunday, I found myself amazed as I watched Samoans walking to church in traditional dress, Bibles in hand, with distant smoke rising from backyard umus. Early mornings often see Samoan families preparing food in underground ovens for post-church feasts. Such a contrast from Australia. If fortunate enough to be invited to a Samoan family gathering, consider these pointers. 

• Shoes are removed before entering homes and once inside greet everyone, starting with the eldest. If people are sitting, never stand to say hello, you will need to lower yourself to their level. 
• You’ll be offered the best floor mat; sit cross-legged or with legs tucked, but feel free to stretch modestly if needed.
• Conversations should be relaxed yet formal, with slow, conversational speech and maintained eye contact. Avoid staring.
• Food is placed in the middle of the room, and meals typically begin with prayers, followed by the elders eating first. Eating commences when indicated, and using hands is common, though cutlery is often provided. 
• Samoa has a delicious ‘natural’ cuisine, so be inquisitive and try everything. This is considered an important sign of respect. 
• Dishes often include pork, chicken, whole fish, lamb and beef, and local produce like breadfruit, taro, tapioca, green bananas, rice, bread and tropical fruits. Meats and vegetables are frequently cooked in umus, especially on Sundays and special occasions. 
• Samoa is also known for cocoa, which can be purchased at markets or roadside stalls. Grated cocoa mixed with sugar and milk creates "koko Samoa."

I was excited to have the opportunity to experience life with a Samoan family and immerse myself in their etiquette, customs and culture. It was a truly rewarding experience and I’d love to make a return visit someday.

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi.

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1955 Etiquette Book for Family Living

“Etiquette rules are designed to make life simpler and more pleasant, after all, and life around the house could stand a little of both. Perhaps it is impossible for most husbands to understand everything about their wives.” — Amy Vanderbilt 

Manners for Family Living Told in New Etiquette Book

NEW YORK (UP) People used to refer to etiquette books
when there was a question about forks or formal invitations, but that's the least of a modern book on manners. Husband grouchy when he gets up in the morning? Consult the etiquette book.

Under the heading, “The Agreeable Husband,” Miss Vanderbilt writes that if a man must be grouchy before coffee in the morning, he should be sure the family understands that there is nothing personal about it.

She also lists the following rules for agreeable husbands:

• The agreeable husband conducts himself at the table exactly as if guests were present. 
• He is clean, combed and generally presentable... 
• He should limit his smoking to the end of the meal, using an ash tray instead of dishes as ash receptacles....
• “No well-brought-up husband should ever bring anyone except a most intimate friend home to dinner without sufficient warning to his wife.”

There is also a section on agreeable wives, with emphasis on personal good grooming and tidy habits around the house. “Etiquette rules are designed to make life simpler and more pleasant, after all, and life around the house could stand a little of both. Perhaps it is impossible for most husbands to understand everything about their wives.” — By Elizabeth Toomey, 1955

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia