Etiquette and Conversation

 The Art of Ending Conversations

Ending conversations can be tricky business.  You don't want to appear rude, but it's time to get away.

Whether it's someone you love speaking with, or a conversation you'd rather not be having anyway - all things must come to an end.  

Time to Hang Up

Phone conversations can be enjoyable, but there are times when they seem to drag on.  At the next pause, tell the person on the other end of the line that you need to go.

End your call with the appropriate "thank you" or arrange a good time to call back.  For a more casual conversation, "I'll call you later" is fine if you really intend to do so.

If there is no pause in the conversation and you just can't bring yourself to listen any longer, break in when it seems least rude and say something like, "I'm so sorry, I do want to have this conversation with you, but I really have to go.  Can we talk later?"

This dialogue is usually enough to free you.  But, as we all know, there are times when you may need to be firm with your request to speak at another time.  Situations vary and, aside from crossing into rude territory, handle them as best, and as friendly, as you can.

Ending Conversations at Parties

You're doing your best to network like a pro.  You've introduced yourself to someone with whom you're enjoying a pleasant exchange.  Now it's time to move on around the room.

There are a few different ways to handle ending conversations like these.

Probably the most polite way is to find someone to leave your new acquaintance with.  Bring another person into your conversation, make your introductions, then tell them, "I'll leave you two to discuss this further.  Please excuse me.  It was a pleasure to meet you, John and Cary."

You have done the good deed of helping your acquaintances network, and given yourself the exit you wanted.  A win-win!

If the person you're speaking with reveals that she knows several people at the gathering, you don't have to feel badly about exercising the option of politely excusing yourself, and moving on.  Leave with a comment about what you enjoyed in the conversation.  "Jane, I enjoyed meeting you and hearing about your new project.  Thank you."

And if you're speaking with someone who is attending for the purpose of networking, you might thank him for stopping to speak with you and encourage him (and yourself) to continue meeting other people.  This actually gives you a common goal and something to follow up on later in the evening or, if you exchanged contact information, on another day.

If you're really having trouble getting away, it's always possible to get a word in edgewise, thank your acquaintance after she finishes a sentence, and say, "It's been great speaking with you, Lily, and maybe we can talk more later on."  Extending your hand to shake hers flows easily into, "Would you please excuse me?  I see someone I need to connect with."

When Out and About

You always run into someone you know when you least expect it.  Unfortunately, it isn't always a good time for a lengthy chat.

Avoid rudeness and acknowledge those you know when you're out and about.  But if you're on your way to an appointment, or would just like to go about your business alone, there's nothing wrong with keeping your encounter as brief as possible.

"Hi, it's good to see you," as you pass by is a good acknowledgement.  If you have the time and the inclination, you could inquire about the person's family, work, or other common ground you share.  

However, if the person you greet looks busy or is with someone else, and you could possibly be interrupting, it's probably best to stay with the shortest greeting above.

Keep it Friendly

Ending a conversation doesn't always come naturally if you're a chatty type.  (I know!) 

There's no need to fear offending anyone as long as you remain friendly, smiling, and genuine.  You can mention looking forward to a next time.

One way to confirm your sincerity is to follow up with people.  Whether you've just met and exchanged business cards or you've been friends for years, call or email them just to say it was good to see them.  Being authentically social doesn't mean being long-winded! 

Even if your conversation ended abruptly, making someone feel important can easily set things right.  In an email you might let the person know that it was great seeing him, and you are so happy to learn that his business is going well.  Extending your best wishes for continued success will always be a welcomed gesture. 

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Q and A of Expected 1930’s Etiquette

Q. Should the hostess or her daughter pour at a formal tea?  — A. Neither. If the tea is formal, it is customary to have waiters perform this task. 

• Q. How should a large number of formal invitations be recalled, due to sudden illness?   
• A. Have cards printed, as engraving would delay matters: “Owing to sudden illness Mr. and Mrs. Robert Marshall are obliged to recall their invitations for Wednesday, the tenth of November” 

• Q. Should the hostess or her daughter pour at a formal tea?  
• A. Neither. If the tea is formal, it is customary to have waiters perform this task.  

• Q. Is “Yes, ma’am” the proper answer for a child to give his teacher. 
• A. No. The correct answer is, "Yes, Miss Marshall.” 

• Q. If one enters a streetcar or bus, and sits down next to a friend who is reading a book, should one start a conversation?  
• A. The friend who is reading should take the initiative, and decide whether she wishes to continue reading or converse with you.   

• Q. Do the ushers at a wedding pay for their own outfits?  
• A. Yes, because they are supposed to have in their wardrobes clothes that are suitable for a wedding.   

• Q. Is it proper to pick bones from meat or fish with the fingers?  
• A. This is permitted only in strict privacy.   

• Q. What subjects should always be avoided in general social conversation?  
• A. Religion, politics, illness, operations, death.

— by Roberta Lee, 1930-1939

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia  

American Etiquette Explained in Japan

Learning to fit into any foreign social or work culture, especially with a new language and/or ancient customs, has never been really easy. The article below, from 1961, encouraged Japanese to try to get to know the Americans living among them, along with their uniquely American social customs. Nowadays, according to a 2019 Japan Times article on those hoping to move to and work in Japan, with questions on their limited proficiency in the language, getting to know new neighbors is not part of the equation. Earning a certificate is all important in most careers : “With the exception of certain specialized positions, you’ll need to speak Japanese pretty well, with Japanese Language Proficiency Test Level 2 certification (N2) being a commonly-used benchmark.” 

– Photo source, Japan Times

The following is reprinted from Koryu Magazine, the U.S. published magazine in Japan. The quality of bashfulness or shyness is one frequently found throughout the world. Many people suffer real mental pain when called upon to take part in a group, especially if it be one of differing habits and customs. This shyness affects many Japanese who are invited to join groups made up predominantly of Americans, either in their homes or in public. As a result, many fail to take advantage of the sincere change student who graduated them by Americans who would like to know Japanese; they feel that they might make blunders or commit errors in the etiquette that would embarrass them. 

Should you, as an individual or a member of a group, be invited to a gathering of Americans or to a home, the first rule might be, don’t be bashful. You are really welcomed or you wouldn’t have been invited. Americans realize that the English language is difficult for you to speak but they will make a real effort to understand you, so try to converse with as many people as possible.

Introductions play a large part in American social contacts. When two people are talking together and a third, whom one of them knows, approaches, it is customary to introduce the newcomer to the person he does not know. A gentleman is always introduced to a lady; a man of lower rank to one of higher rank; a younger man to an older. It’s considered rude to reverse this. 

The proper form of introduction is, ‘‘Mrs. (Jones) may I present Mr. (Goto).’’ And Mr. Goto says, “How do you do, Mrs. Jones.” That’s all there is to it. It’s a good idea to repeat the name so you will remember it — people dislike having others forget their names. If Mrs. Jones is sitting down, she does not stand up. She may offer her hand to Mr. Goto in which case he will shake hands with her, very briefly. If she does not offer to shake hands, he does not offer his hand to her. 

The general rule is that a gentleman stands up when he is introduced to, or is speaking to a lady or a man older or of higher rank than himself; a lady does not stand up to be introduced to a man nor to another lady. An elderly man of high position might not stand up if he were introduced to a very young girl; it is not necessary but it is often done. But a young girl would properly stand if she were introduced to a high official. 

The introduction can be a most trying experience or it can establish a good friendship, depending upon the people concerned. Often a polite person will say, after he has introduced two people, ‘‘Mr. Goto, I think you and Mrs. Jones will have much in common because she is studying Japanese very hard,” or he will make some other appropriate remark which which will start the two new acquaintances talking about something that interest both. If the introducer fails to do this, either one of the people being introduced should do so, commenting upon the party, about the length of time your American friend has been in Japan or some other topic that will initiate a conversation. 

An elderly man or one of high rank should be addressed as “sir”; a woman by her name. This is enough to remember. Conversation is the basis of social intercourse. It is your responsibility to see that a conversation is kept alive by doing your share of the talking. But several things should not be discussed, principally, politics and religion. These are topics that too frequently lead to dispute and argument, neither of which are appropriate at social functions. Attempt to interest your conversational partner and try to meet more Americans ― they sincerely want to meet you but you must help them. – Shin Nichibei, 1961

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for the Uncomfortable

Sometimes people just want to dig into your personal business, or think they're being helpful by patronizing you. 

Dealing with an Uncomfortable Subject

I've said it before: humans are unpredictable. And interacting with our fellow humans can place us in unpredictable situations that challenge our behavior. Like when you're having a conversation with someone and that person all of a sudden brings up an uncomfortable subject. Maybe she forgot the hints you've given that you don't want to discuss it. Or maybe he is trying to get a reaction from you. Either way, your first reaction may be to cut and run. Or to react defensively. But neither of these will resolve the situation appropriately.

The Games People Play

Aunt Sally knows that you don't wish to discuss your relationship status. Being single during the holidays gets to you sometimes. And yet, as she does nearly every year, at Thanksgiving dinner she pipes up, “Has the marriage bug stricken you yet?” Almost worse than the invasive question is that you know she has a hidden agenda. She’s always wondered about your lifestyle leanings.

Or maybe your co-worker grimaces every time you use up-talk in his presence. Sometimes he says, “Really?” You try to pay attention in order to break the habit, but you're also very tired of feeling scrutinized in most conversations. Does he want a reaction from you? Or is this his way of helping you break the habit? Does he really just forget that you’ve asked him before not to bring up this topic?

These, or similar situations are common. Sometimes people just want to dig into your personal business, or think they're being helpful by patronizing you.
In the past you have tried changing the subject directly, laughed it off, looked away and pretended you didn’t hear, or brought someone else into the conversation with a fresh topic. Now it’s on the line. You are being confronted with a situation that requires tact and direct solution. And in the company of others.

Take Your Stand

You have every right to stand up for yourself when you feel put upon or are unfairly pushed into the spotlight.

To deal with similar scenarios as with Aunt Sally or a co-worker, relax your face, put on a friendly (not smirky!) smile, and say with an even tone:
“Aunt Sally, why would the answer to your question be of interest?”

Or

“Jonathan, is perfecting my speech habits a top office priority?”

Each of these responses will put these folks on the spot. And as there is no place for them to go without losing dignity, they will probably sputter and you can easily move on.


To recap - follow these three steps to stand up for yourself:

• Keep agitation and anger in check.
• Confront the person in a friendly, but firm, manner.
• Verbally respond by getting straight to the heart of the matter. Keep it short - you don't want to talk about this subject.

You also don't want to get pulled into a long, private conversation afterwards. So if an apology is issued, you might respond with: “Aunt Sally, thank you. I appreciate your words. Let’s head on back to the kitchen and get on with cleaning up. We can drop this subject forever now, can't we?”

Or, “Jonathan, it’s ok. We both have so much to contribute and we’re going to do just that! Let’s walk down the hall and see if Mary has time to review our project.”

In personal and professional communication, truth-telling should be a way of life. But there are some things that, for whatever the reason, you do not want to talk about. And that’s perfectly fine - you always have a choice.

Just remember that you can be honest and kind simultaneously with ruffling everyone’s feathers.

Contributor, Candace Smith is retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Party Etiquette and Who to Invite

Avoid giving invitations to bores. They will come without.

Where the company is large, the ladies of the house should have tact enough to avoid introducing and placing together persons who cannot possibly assimilate, or take pleasure in each other's society. The dull, and the silly, will be far happier with their compeers. To a woman of talent, and a good conversationist, it is a cruelty to put her unnecessarily in contact with stupid, or unmeaning people. She is wasted and thrown away upon such as are neither amusing nor amusable. 

Neither is it well to bring together a gay, lively woman of the world, and a solemn, serious, repulsive dame, who is a contemner of the world and all its enjoyments. There can be no conversation that is mutually agreeable, between a real lady of true delicacy and refinement, and a so-called lady whose behaviour and talk are coarse and vulgar,—or between a woman of highly cultivated mind, and one who is grossly ignorant of every thing connected with books, and who boasts of that ignorance. We have heard a lady of fashion say, "Thank God, I never read." The answer might well have been, "You need not tell us that."

In inviting but a small company, it is indispensable to the pleasure of all, that you ask none who are strikingly unsuitable to the rest—or whose presence will throw a damp on conversation. Especially avoid bringing into the same room, persons who are at notorious enmity with each other, even if, unhappily, they should be members of the same family. Those who are known as adversaries should be invited on different evenings.

Avoid giving invitations to bores. They will come without. The word "bore" has an unpleasant and an inelegant sound. Still, we have not, as yet, found any substitute that so well expresses the meaning,—which, we opine, is a dull, tiresome man, or "a weariful woman," either inveterately silent, or inordinately talkative, but never saying any thing worth hearing, or worth remembering—people whom you receive unwillingly, and whom you take leave of with joy; and who, not having perception enough to know that their visits are always unwelcome, are the most sociable visiters imaginable, and the longest stayers.

In a conversation at Abbotsford, there chanced to be something said in reference to bores—those beings in whom "man delights not, nor woman neither." Sir Walter Scott asserted, humourously, that bores were always "good respectable people." "Otherwise," said he "there could be no bores. For if they were also scoundrels or brutes, we would keep no measures with them, but at once kick them out the house, and shut the door in their faces."

When you wish an introduction to a stranger lady, apply to your hostess, or to some of the family, or to one of the guests that is acquainted with that lady: you will then be led up and presented to her. Do not expect the stranger to be brought to you; it is your place to go to her. —From The Ladies Guide to True Politeness and Perfect Manners, by Miss Leslie, 1864

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Polite Conversation

Someone not afraid to show her emotions– The fictional Marianne Dashwood, as portrayed by Kate Winslet in the 1996 film version of Jane Austen’s “Sense and Sensibility”

Display Of Emotions–
It is needless to say, avoid all exhibitions of temper before others if you find it impossible to suppress them entirely. All emotions, whether of grief or joy, should be subdued in public, and only allowed full play in the privacy of our own apartments.

Undue Familiarity–
Avoid all coarseness and familiarity in addressing others. A person who makes himself offensively familiar will have few friends.

Pretenses–
Avoid all pretense at gentility. Pass for what you are, and nothing more. If you are obliged to make any little economies, do not be ashamed to acknowledge them as economies if it becomes necessary to speak of them at all. If you keep no carriage, do not be over-solicitous to impress your friends that the sole reason for this deficiency is because you prefer to walk. Do not be ashamed of poverty; but, on the other hand, do not flaunt its rags unmercifully in the face of others. It is best to say nothing about it either in excuse or defence.

Aristocratic Assumptions–
Do not, of all things, in this republican country, boast of blood and family and talk of belonging to the "aristocracy." Nor, unless you wish to be set down as a superlative fool by all sensible people, put your servants in livery and a coat of arms upon the panels of your carriage and upon your plate.

Interruptions In Conversation–
Never interrupt a person who is speaking. Wait until you are sure he has finished what he has to say before you attempt to speak.

Dogmatic Style Of Speaking–
Never speak dogmatically or with an assumption of knowledge or information beyond that of those with whom you are conversing. Even if you are conscious of this superiority, a proper and becoming modesty will lead you to conceal it as far as possible, that you may not put to shame or humiliation those less fortunate than yourself. At all events, they will discover your superiority or they will not.


If they discover it of their own accord, they will have much more admiration for you than though you forced the recognition upon them. If they do not discover it, rest assured you cannot force it upon their perceptions, and they will only hold you in contempt for trying to do so. Besides, there is the possibility that you over-estimate yourself, and instead of being a wise man you are only a self-sufficient fool.

Flattery–
Do not be guilty of flattery. Commend the estimable traits of your friends to others whenever and wherever you can, and you may even express your honest approval directly to them if you possess a delicate tact. Indeed, it is one of the most imperative social duties to let others see our appreciation of the good in their characters or actions. But beware of insincere praise bestowed from an unworthy motive.

Faultfinding–
Do not be censorious or faultfinding. Long and close friendship may sometimes excuse one friend in reproving or criticising another, but it must always be done in the kindest and gentlest manner, and in nine cases out of ten had best be left undone. When one is inclined to be censorious or critical, it is well to remember the scriptural injunction, “First cast the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to cast the mote out of thy brother's eye.”

–From E.B. Duffey's, "The Ladies' and Gentlemen's Etiquette: A Complete Manual of the Manners and Dress of American Society," 1877 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Editor and Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Conversation

Harper's Bazaar's 1893 Hints on Conversation

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." ~Dorothy Nevill

It has been recently stated that conversation is a lost art. Certainly the listener appears to be out of date. Persons who have regard for the usages of polite society should remember that listening is one of the canons of good manners. 

Absent mindedness is impolite. Every one is entitled to have a fair share of attention paid him when conversing. If one is bored, courtesy demands he should listen and appear to appreciate the story that is related on the subject under discussion. A writer on social etiquette once remarked that "nine times out of ten the attentive listener is more admired than the most brilliant talker." 

Avoid in conversation all mention of your own affairs. The clever woman guards her hearthstone, its sorrows, troubles and annoyances, as carefully as she does the sacredness of her religion. The world admires your cheerfulness, your attractiveness, your brightness. Your griefs belong to yourself. They are your inner life, which should be closed with iron portals. Even if your heart breaks, recollect the critical public at all times, likes a smiling face and cheerful manner. —Harper's Bazar, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and the Art of Listening

Humorous depiction of men talking about their feelings. 

-Image source, Pinterest

To converse, is not to talk continually, as prattlers suppose; it is to listen and speak in our turn; we must not acquit ourselves the less well in the one than in the other. To do this, we should attend half of the time to the person who is addressing us, (on this account it is impolite to do any work while talking;) if they hesitate or are embarrassed you should appear not to notice it, and in case you are a little acquainted, after a few moments, you should, in a very modest manner, supply the word which seems to have escaped them. If they are interrupted by any incident, when the cause of the interruption shall have ceased, you will not wait until they resume the conversation, but with a smile of benevolence, and an engaging gesture, request them to proceed; "please to continue; you were just saying?"...

If we are obliged in this manner, to palliate any such interruption, much more, ought we never to allow ourselves to be the cause of it. This is so rigorous a rule, that if, in the warmth of conversation, two persons commence speaking at once, both ought to stop immediately, when they perceive it, and each, while excusing themselves, to decline proceeding. It is proper for the one worthy of the most respect to resume the conversation.

If a person shall relate anything to you, who, without having any pleasantry, makes attempts at it; and without being affecting, endeavors to move you, however wearied you may be, appear pleased and assume an air of interest. If the narrator wanders into long digressions, have patience to let him extricate himself alone from the labyrinth of history. If the history is interminable, be resigned, and do not appear less attentive. This condescension is especially to be observed, if you are listening to an elderly or respectable person. If the merciless story-teller is your equal or friend, you may say to him, in order to induce him to finish his narration, "and finally... ."

Novices in the customs of the world, think they can abruptly interrupt a conversation which is begun, by asking to have some incidents, which they have not understood, explained, or by making the person who is telling the story repeat the names; this should not be done until after some consideration, and in the most polite manner. If the narrator pronounces badly; if you see that other hearers are in the same situation as yourself; if you foresee that for want of having followed him in his narration, you will not be able to reply with politeness, you can in this case, interrupt; but in some such manner as this; "I ask your pardon, Sir, I fear I have lost some part of your interesting conversation, will you be kind enough to repeat it," etc... . It is necessary also, to choose a favorable moment, as for instance, when the narrator pauses, hesitates for a word, or stops to take his handkerchief.

When a person relates to you a plain falsehood, the art of listening becomes embarrassing, for if you seem to believe it, you would pass for a fool, and if you appear to doubt it, you will pass for an uncivil person. An air of coldness, a slight attention, an expression like the following, "That is astonishing," will extricate you honorably from your embarrassment; but when an event is narrated which is only extraordinary, or not improbable, your manner should be otherwise. Your countenance should express astonishment, and you should reply by a phrase of this kind; "If I did not know your strict regard for the truth, or if any person but you had told me this, I should have hardly believed it." Under no circumstances should you interrupt him.

It happens sometimes that you foresee some incident in an interesting story; and the pleasure that you find in this; the desire of showing that you have guessed correctly, and the intention of proving how much you are interested, induce you to interrupt suddenly in this manner, "I see it, it is so, exactly." An interruption of this kind, although well meant and natural, will offend old persons, who like to tell a story at full length, and will confound formal narrators, who will be in despair that a phrase is taken from them which they had intended for effect; these interruptions are only allowable among our intimate friends, or inferiors, for otherwise you will have an ill-humored answer to your, "I see it," etc... as with a triumphant air, "egad, but you can't see it," etc... which is always embarrassing.

The worst kind of interruption of all others, is that which hauteur dictates. A clever person seizing hold of a story which another is telling, and with the intention of making it more lively, becomes, notwithstanding his eloquence, a model of impertinence and vulgarity. It is, doubtless, hard to see a fool spoil a good anecdote, of which he might have made something interesting; but if we should not be restrained by politeness from expressing our feelings, we ought to be by interest. Now hearers of delicacy will remain silent to the conclusion of the recital, and will address themselves with good feelings to the poor narrator who is injured in his rights.

Interruption is pardonable if it is made to prove or clear up a fact in favor of a person who is absent. When they accuse you, you can, according to strict rules, interrupt by an exclamation, but it is better to do it by a gesture. There is often much art and grace in listening, while you gesticulate gently; for example, by counting upon the fingers; by making a gesture of surprise; by a motion of assent, or an exclamation. This is a tacit manner of saying, "ah, I recollect, you are right," and charms the narrator without interrupting him.

In a lively, animated and friendly dialogue, we can interrupt each other by turns, in order to finish a sentence which is begun, or to improve an epithet; this contributes to vivacity in discourse, but it ought not, however, to be too often repeated. There are many shoals to be avoided in listening, and which always betray inexperience in society. To say from time to time to the narrator, "Yes, yes," by nodding the head, making motions with the hand, a custom of old persons, and which is a good representation of a pendulum ; to keep the eyes fixed and the mouth gaping open; to have an air of an absent person or of one in a reverie; to point the finger at persons designated by the narrator; to gape without concealing by the hand or the handkerchief, which is by no means flattering to the speaker; to cast your eye frequently towards the clock--all these habits are offences against good *ton.

* The ton is a term commonly used to refer to Britain's high society in the Regency and reign of George IV, and later. During the eighteenth century, it was borrowed from the French word meaning "taste" or "the highest style" and is pronounced the same way as "tone." The full phrase is "le bon ton," meaning good manners or "in the fashionable mode" – characteristics held as ideal by the British beau monde. –From "Etiquette" 1866

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia