More Faux Dining Signals

Playing with one’s utensils? That was never allowed and one presumably doing so at the Victorian or Gilded Age table would be reprimanded or shown their way to the door. Doing so now? Please don’t! —I’ve read and seen videos online with people whimsically suggesting it would be fun to bring back some of the 18th or 19th century “secret signals” used by people in love. Those signals for someone one fancied are sadly all fake, however. — “The fan language — and other, similar codes like the language of the handkerchief and the language of the parasol— were largely the result of advertising campaigns meant to popularize and sell accessories. There is little evidence that the fan language was ever in widespread use, though the concept was satirized by several writers in the 18th and 19th centuries. Besides being rather impractical, fan codes were a bit dangerous; an unconscious fidget or desire to actually fan herself could embroil a lady in a totally unintentional feud— or marriage. Not to mention the consequences if the matron acting as chaperone to a courting couple had, a few years earlier, employed the fan language to win her own husband!” -Esti Brennan, Clements Library Chronicles

Supposed Victorian Dining Table Signaling

Below: Each faux signal and what it supposedly meant.

• Drawing a napkin or handkerchief through the hand — I desire to converse by signal with you. 

• Holding napkin by the corners — Is it agreeable to you? 

• Playing with fork — I have something to tell you. 

• Holding up the knife and fork in each hand — When can I see you? 

• Laying both together left of the plate — After the meal. 

• Clenching right hand on table — To-night. 

• Napkin held with three fingers — Yes. 

• Napkin held with two fingers — No. 

• Holding napkin to chin with forefinger to mouth — Cease signaling. 

• Standing knife and fork thus leaning them in an inverted V  — Can I meet you?  

• Balancing fork on edge of cup — Are you engaged to-night?  

• Striking fork with knife — I shall go out. 

• Balancing fork on knife — Meet me. 

• Placing knife over the glass — Will you be alone? 

• Stirring spoon in cup slowly — Will you be late? 

• Slapping the ear, as if brushing away a fly — I don't understand.

More recent faux table signals above. — Only the “paused” and “finished” positions are proper signals, however they are for the wait staff, not someone you fancy. Those crossed out are not only made up, they are against good manners and should never be used. They make it difficult to remove the plate and utensils efficiently and without a lot of noise. Even the “excellent” signal shouldn’t be used, because one should personally give that message to the chef or cook and not supposedly leave it on a plate which will shortly be cleaned off in the kitchen. — By Site Editor, Maura J. Graber

 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Faux Etiquette Infographics

The above is etiquette gobbledegook!

“Bring Complaints Book”? This graphic is just more etiquette nonsense!

We’ve addressed these crazy infographics before, but they are multiplying. Most of these pictured are, for lack of better words, etiquette nonsense. Etiquette gibberish.

Someone sent this graphic to me, asking for my thoughts. I think this graphic and others like it, need to be removed from anyone’s site who claims to be promoting or teaching etiquette. I think they are ridiculous. 

Etiquipedia has an open mind and is more than happy to explore etiquette from all over the world, but not in this case. Teaching or promoting silent commands like, “I still eat” “Do not take the plate” or “The meal is over” is questionable at best, incredibly rude and makes extra work for others!

There are only 2 sets of depictions on this infographic which actually mean anything:

1.The positions actually signaled by both depictions of “the meal is over” (though we prefer the word “finished” — unless someone has put you in charge and you cannot help but be pompous —and we also prefer that utensils sit more to one side of the plate, to enable easier and quieter removal for the wait staff).

2. The “I still eat” and “Do not take the plate” depictions, which sound hostile and clunky. We prefer “pause” or “rest position” (though we prefer the “12:00 and 3:00” for one’s knife and “7:00 or 5:00” for one’s fork).  

Such passive aggressive messages, supposedly being sent by “I wait new dish” and “service was bad” are not only cumbersome for graceful plate and utensil removal by the wait staff, but outright insulting, if one were to convey them verbally to those waiting on tables, cooking or hosting.

No restaurant or wait staff would recognize any of the depictions other than the utensil placement  if one is resting or pausing and when one is finished dining. These are the only times utensils can be used  as subtle messaging. Trust us... We’ve asked! And if a waiter or server believes someone is sending non-verbal messages like the overtly rude, “Bring Complaints Book”, let’s just hope the next course arrives in truly edible and sanitary condition.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

An Etiquette Plea

Three of these depictions are not like the others!

Etiquipedia has a polite request...

Can people please stop posting this infographic online? Normally, Etiquipedia has an open mind and is more than happy to explore etiquette from all over the world, but not in this case.

This infographic and all others like it, are, for lack of better words, “a hot mess.” It is etiquette gibberish... Etiquette nonsense... Above all, it is incredibly rude and makes extra work for others.
There are only 2 depictions on this infographic which actually mean anything:

• The “finished” position (though Etiquipedia prefers the utensils sit more to one side of the plate, to enable easier and quieter removal for the wait staff). 
• The “pause” or “rest position” (though Etiquipedia prefers the “12:00 and 3:00” for one’s knife and “7:00 or 5:00” for one’s fork). These are the ONLY 2 depictions anyone would recognize. Trust us... We’ve been asking!

The passive aggressive messages supposedly being sent by “ready for the next plate,” “do not like,” and “excellent” are not only cumbersome for graceful plate and utensil removal by the wait staff, but 2 of them are outright insulting to the chef, host or hostess, if one were to convey them verbally to those waiting on tables, cooking or hosting. Especially, if the one verbally expressing “do not like” and “ready for the next plate” is on the verge of a temper tantrum and over the age of two.

And if one is enjoying several courses, and attempts to send the non-verbal “excellent” or “it was delicious” message on only one empty plate, what, pray tell, are you trying to say to your host or the chef?

This nonsensical graphic is on dozens of etiquette sites. Please, please, do not teach this or use this as a guide. Thank you for taking this plea into consideration.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia