Early 20th C. Correspondence Etiquette

Out of every hundred successful men and women, ninety-nine are punctilious letter writers — A late 19th century lady’s lap- desk or travel writing desk, disguised as a book of Shakespeare’s Complete Works.

Answer All Letters Promptly

“A man may write any time if he set himself doggedly to do it.” —Samuel Johnson

I have found that out of every hundred successful men and women, ninety-nine are punctilious letter writers. One of the first things the man who wants to win in politics does, is to establish strict rules for answering letters. It would be safe to say that no man who has been elected to a high political office has ever done so without the aid of careful habits in regard to letter writing.

Surely no man has ever become President of the United States within late years, who has not early formed the habit of attention to answering letters. If you doubt this, read the biographies of Roosevelt, of Lincoln, of Cleveland, of any of the other men who have lived in the White House. And if big men like that haven't been able to win out without writing letters, how can you hope to do so?

The social leader whether she leads society with a capital “S” or is president of the woman’s club in a town of 10,000 or the most popular member of the Ladies’ Aid in a village with one church, a store and the post-office is, in nine cases out of ten, punctilious about answering letters. Let her become careless in this regard and see how soon her popularity wanes.

Are you aware of the fact that strict etiquette requires that any formal dinner invitation that is received by a note requires a definite acceptance or regret by the return post, – surely on the day that it is received?

Do you know that gifts from friends whom you cannot thank in person at once, should always be acknowledged within a week? This applies to Christmas gifts and wedding gifts. It is a careless bride who waits till after she is married to write “thank you” notes for her wedding presents. To be on the safe side make a rule that any personal or social letter that is not an answer to a letter of your own deserves an answer and that answer should be dispatched within ten days.

If keeping up what one calls a correspondence with a friend out of town, a longer interval may intervene. Remember that it would be better for you never to carry on any of these correspondences at all, than to neglect the imperative letters of social obligation and courtesy.

Etiquette requires that any invitation on which R. S. V. P. is written, should be answered within a day or two of receipt, that any invitation save that for a church wedding or tea – when R. S. V. P. is not engraved on the invitation – requires a prompt answer. Etiquette requires that the announcement by letter of an engagement, a birth, death, marriage or illnes requires a prompt reply. So much for the strict requirements of good form. 

Remember besides that courtesy prompts the well bred man or woman to write notes of congratulation on the occasion of wedding or birthday anniversaries of friends or near relatives, when it has been impossible to call for an unusual length of time, when there is illness in the family or on the occasion af any misfortune or good fortune.

But remember that promptness is the first requisite of good form in letter writing. The best way to make sure of promptness is to have suitable writing materials at hand – and if you have good black or dark blue ink, a pen and plain white paper of conventional shape and size, you have all that etiquette demands in the way of writing equipment. – By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Petra Carsetti’s 10 Commandments of Italian Dinner Party Etiquette

Use utensils correctly: Remember that pasta is not skewered but is lifted with a fork and then brought to the mouth. 

1. Be a good host or hostess: The most important rule is to be welcoming and empathetic. People will remember much more feeling of a beautiful evening spent, than the correct position of the cutlery. 
2. Listen to your table guests: As a good host or hostess, try to steer the conversation so that everyone feels like part of the discussion. Banned topics at the table are health, disease, politics, sports, death. Better to talk about topics that unite and do not divide like time, a journey, a good book, a film, an exhibition ... 
3. Pass to the right: Be ready to pour water and wine, or to pass  dishes to those who sit next to us. Usually it should be the man who does this first, with the woman sitting on his right. 
4. Keep the table clutter free: Mobile phones should not be placed upon, or at the table. (This currently applies to covid masks as well) Mobile phones should be silenced and placed in pockets or handbags. If you receive a call (on silent ringtone) try to answer only for emergencies and do so quietly with minimal disruption at the table. The other guests do not need to hear the whole conversation. 
5. Use good manners: Eat without calling attention to yourself. One should develop good habits like chewing with the mouth closed and not “talking to the bite,” (speaking all the way until another bite of food goes into your mouth,) or playing/gesticulating with the cutlery. 
6. Dine without fuss: Do not blow on hot dishes, but wait a few seconds for them to cool. 
7. Practice good posture: To eat, do not bring your head and mouth toward the plate but bring your food to your mouth, while keeping your posture erect.
8. Don’t rock out: Do not rock back and forth in the chair, but sit composed. Your wrists and hands should be visible on the table, but never your elbows.
9. Use utensils correctly: Remember that pasta is not skewered but is lifted with a fork and then brought to the mouth. 
10. Toast elegantly: Keep your glass rim clean if you are going to make a toast. Use your napkin to dab your mouth, before and after drinking if necessary. Do not clink glasses and please do not say “cin cin.” You can make a more thoughtful toast with your own words and looking in the eyes of the people with whom you are toasting.

Petra Carsetti was born into a gastronomic minded family… true lovers of excellent foods and wines. From an early age she showed a great passion for the table, which she later developed by working in important, well-known Italian restaurants. Since 2005, she has written many books on food and wine, along with guides to Italian restaurants, specializing also in galateo and etiquette at the Accademia Italiana Galateo and ANCEP (the Association of Ceremonialists for Public Institute). She teaches etiquette in schools to adults and children, is a consultant for various political and economic authorities, and she has a weekly column in a historic newspaper. She also writes for various other newspapers, and in September she will come out with her new book, “GalaTime: it is always time for good manners”!

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Egg-cellent Gilded Age Etiquette

“…We have seen the egg held by a corner of the napkin, but this is not only tiresome but difficult to do nicely without soiling the napkin.”

The etiquette of eating a soft boiled egg has been the subject of more than one clever essay. The English custom, is to eat it directly from the shell, when of course a small egg cup and egg spoon are necessary. The American way, is to break the egg into a cup or glass by striking the egg in the center and turning the contents into the glass. In this case, it is usually eaten with a teaspoon, as an egg spoon, unless extra large, would be too small, and we have seen the egg held by a corner of the napkin, but this is not only tiresome but difficult to do nicely without soiling the napkin. – Mary Barr Munroe in Good Housekeeping, 1899

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Politely Asking for a Dance

To use elaborate and formal phrases, such as. "Will you be so kind as to grant me the honor of this dance?" would seem, in our American society, rather stilted and forced. 

What Readers Ask… “What is the correct way for a young man to ask lady of his acquaintance for a dance at a ball or other dancing party?”

Simply say: “May I have this dance, Miss Smith?” is all one need to say. To use elaborate and formal phrases, such as. "Will you be so kind as to grant me the honor of this dance?" would seem, in our American society, rather stilted and forced. – By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Congressman’s Etiquette Lessons

Photo of a White House State Dinner place setting for President Lyndon Johnson. Cigarettes and matches were requirements for a properly set formal table of the era. Smoking was not banned in the White House until the Clinton Administration in the 1990’s

LIGHTER SIDE OF WASHINGTON 

Congressman Gets Seven Cards Telling Of Proper Dinner Behavior

WASHINGTON (UPI) By no standards that I know of could Rep. John F. Baldwin be described as a bumpkin. He is a graduate of the University of California; he was president of his law class for three years; he was a practicing attorney for five years, and he has served in Congress since 1954. You would think a person with this background would feel at home in almost any company. Yet there is something about a State Dinner at the White House that makes even a relatively sophisticated congressman uncertain about his manners. 

Baldwin was one of the guests at the dinner that President Kennedy gave for the Shah of Iran last week, and I suppose it was the invitation that put him on edge. As he related a report on the affair to his constituents, the envelope contained no less than five cards, which seemed to take nothing for granted. The first card told what the occasion was. The second one gave the time and place of the dinner. The third one told him what to wear. The fourth one told him where to respond. And the fifth one told him what gate to enter. When he and his wife arrived at the White House, they were handed still another card which told them where to sit. At the table, they found a seventh card which made it clear they had found the right place. It was at this point, apparently, that Baldwin’s confidence in his table etiquette was shattered. 

“I must confess that my main concern during the dinner, was whether I was using the proper knife or the proper fork at the right time,” he said. “There were three different knives on the right, and three different forks on the left.” Expressing hope that he “represented you properly at this state dinner,” he said, "I think I only used the wrong fork once." Well, gee, I don’t want to embarrass the congressman or anything, but I must point out that when you have three forks, it is impossible to use the wrong fork only once. Silverware errors are cumulative and cannot be rectified as the meal progresses. In other words, if Baldwin used his dinner fork on the salad, then he must have used his salad fork during the main course or desert. But Baldwin needn’t feel chagrined about it, for it was the fault of the White House staff. They should have provided yet another card showing which fork to use.– Madera Tribune, 1962

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Mourning Etiquette Limits Royals

The old-fashioned style of celebrating Christmas, with the blazing Yule log in the fire-place, the merry family seated around the festive board, which is groaning under its load of choice viands, including such delicacies as boar’s head, venison and plum pudding, is a thing of the past so far as London is concerned…
–Image “Bring in the Boar's Head [Illustrated London News]” from Pinterest

Few Londoners to Enjoy Old-Style Christmas 

Wealthy Go to Seaside While Poor Celebrate at Home

LONDON, Dec. 21.— The old-fashioned style of celebrating Christmas, with the blazing Yule log in the fire-place, the merry family seated around the festive board, which is groaning under its load of choice viands, including such delicacies as boar's head, venison and plum pudding, is a thing of the past so far as London is concerned; It may still survive in the households of well-to-do country gentlemen, conservative enough to preserve ancient traditions, but in London the custom has died out. 

The rich leave their town houses and take their families to some fashionable seaside resort where they spend the holidays amid the discomforts of crowded hotel life; and the poor stay at home and enjoy their holidays according to their means and taste; but there are no yule logs nor any of the famed accessories of an old-time, Yuletide celebration. 

The Royal household, still in mourning for the late King Edward, will spend the holidays in a comparatively quiet manner. The King and Queen and the members of the Royal family will celebrate Christmas “en famille” at York Cottage, their charming estate in Norfolk. Although quietly and unostentatiously, elaborate preparations have been made for the Yule tide celebration. There will be plenty of good things for the table, including boar’s head and cygnet, and a liberal supply of plum pudding, made in accordance with the famous recipe, preserved in the Royal family for more than a century. 

There will be presents for all members of the family, a family gathering around the Christmas tree in the hall and a distribution of presents to the retainers of the King’s estate. King Edward loved to have a number of intimate friends around him at the Yuletide season and invariably had a large house party at Sandringham at that time, but King George, limited by the rules of mourning etiquette, will forego the pleasures of a gathering of congenial friends this Christmas, whatever he may choose to do in the future. 

Christmas trade was not quite so brisk as last year, owing to the unsettled condition of things caused by the excitement of the political campaign and the industrial strikes and disturbances which have considerably reduced the purchasing power of the poorer working classes. The demand for toys and other holiday goods of a cheaper grade has been larger in comparison than for some holiday seasons past. – 1910

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Christmas Gift Giving Etiquette

“A point of Christmas etiquette is bothering one of my letter friends, and she wants me to help her settle it. It seems that a friend with whom she has hitherto exchanged Christmas gifts…is obliged to curtail her Christmas giving on account of illness, and asking that her friend will help her out by omitting her gift this time.”
 -Image source, Pinterest

The Evening Chit-Chat: A Christmas Quandary

A point of Christmas etiquette is bothering one of my letter friends, and she wants me to help her settle it. It seems that a friend with whom she has hitherto exchanged Christmas gifts has written her a little note, telling her that she is obliged to curtail her Christmas giving on account of illness, and asking that her friend will help her out by omitting her gift this time. My letter friend’s quandary is this: 

“I don’t like the idea that Christmas gifts are just an exchange. If I assent to her plan and do not give her any thing this year, that will look as if it had always been a kind of barter to me. I would rather give her something this year without letting her know beforehand that I am going to do it and drop the thing next year. It seems less calculating to me. Don't you think this is the best way out?”

Frankly, my friend, I don't. 

Put yourself in her place. She wants you to relieve her from the embarrassment of having nothing to give you by not giving her anything. If you give her something, you force that embarrassment upon her. Will the pleasure of receiving what you have to give, cancel the pain she will feel at being empty-handed? Probably not. Then, is it generous, is it worthy of the spirit of Christmas to put your dislike of the thought of barter above her sense of humiliation at receiving without giving? Perhaps it might show a finer spirit in her to be above that, sense of humiliation, but few of us have reached the happy height where we can give or receive according to the position in which we happen to be placed, and ; be equally dignified and gracious and content in either position. 

And if you really dislike that sense of barter and not merely the appearance of barter, and really want to give your friend some material symbol of your affection, why not give it just the same, even if you do not give it at Christmas, which has become so emphatically the day of reciprocal gift giving? Why not send your gift Easter or St. Valentine’s Day? Or why wait for any special day? There are three hundred and sixty-five days every year when the spontaneously offered gifts of a friend are welcome. Indeed, I think the gifts that come unexpectedly are rather more delightful than the formal kind. To have the postman bring some totally unexpected little package lights up a whole day with the pleasure of the surprise and the warm sense of kindly feeling behind it. – By Ruth Cameron, 1914

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Christmas Etiquette

Give your wife something for herself, not a piece of furniture or an article for family use. Ditto as to your husband. 
– Photo source, Pinterest

Christmas Chimes

Do not make Christmas a day of balancing accounts of gifts. Santa Claus comes down the chimney when love kindles the fire. Christmas is the day when the children get up without being called. Better is a little gift where love is, than a necklace of diamonds for appearance's sake. 

The most approved invitation etiquette for a Christmas dinner is that prescribed in Luke xiv., 12-14. Give your wife something for herself, not a piece of furniture or an article for family use. Ditto as to your husband. How much brighter the fires on our own Christinas hearths will look when we know that we have been the means of brightening a fire that had grown dim on some other hearthstone. Good Housekeeping, 1889

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Defining “Class”

Asked by a team of sociologists what's involved in “social class,” one respondent said, “Whether you have couth or are uncouth.” And there's a “social” division distinguishing those who “entertain” in their domestic premises and those who wouldn't think of it.

The word “classy” should be stricken from the vocabulary of anyone who would consider themselves educated in good manners and etiquette. As Amy Vanderbilt cautioned, one’s clothing or whatever, may show or exhibit class, but it’s not “classy” or “high class,” Etiquipedia would like to caution readers to avoid use of the word “classy” when attempting to describe elegance in taste, dress or the use of good manners.

Nobody knows for sure what the word class means. Some people, like Vance Packard, have tried to invoke more objective terms, and have spoken about status systems. Followers of the sociologist Max Weber tend to say class when they're talking about the amount of money you have and the kind of leverage it gives you; they say status when they mean your social prestige in relation to your audience; and they say party when they're measuring how much political power you have, that is, how much built-in resistance you have to being pushed around by s*%#s. 

By class I mean all three, with perhaps extra emphasis on status. I do wish the word caste were domesticated in the United States, because it nicely conveys the actual rigidity of class lines here, the difficulty of moving-either upward or downward-out of the place where you were nurtured.

How many classes are there? The simplest answer is that there are only two, the rich and the poor, employer and employed, landlord and tenant, bourgeois and proletariat. Or, to consider manners rather than economics and politics, there are gentlemen and there are cads. 

Asked by a team of sociologists what's involved in “social class,” one respondent said, “Whether you have couth or are uncouth.” And there's a “social” division distinguishing those who “entertain” in their domestic premises and those who wouldn't think of it. — From “Class,” by Paul Fussell

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Holiday Mince Pie Etiquette

This custom has been part of a British Christmas since the mid-1800’s. “It is considered a marked breach of etiquette to refuse the little pie, although one is allowed to take it home and eat it later. This, however, is not very often done, for who would refuse the coming of a happy month by refusing to overtax the stomach for just one more little pie?” – These mince pies fall into the “finger food” category, unless accompanied by whipping cream, custard or some other accompaniment. Then the proper etiquette is to eat your mince pie with a fork.
–Image source, Pinterest

Happy Months – An Odd Custom Observed in England at Christmas Time

“Happy Months” is the name applied to the little mince pies made at Christmas time throughout England and served to any guests who may call at the house during the holidays. The saying is that for every one of those tiny pies one eats, a happy month will come during the year, only the pies must be given to the one who eats them. 

When one calls at the house the little pies are brought forth with a glass of wine or a cup of tea, and, however well satisfied one may already be as regards one's appetite or how many of these “happy month” pies he has already eaten. It is considered a marked breach of etiquette to refuse the little pie, although one is allowed to take it home and eat it later. This, however, is not very often done, for who would refuse the coming of a happy month by refusing to overtax the stomach for just one more little pie? 

In some parts of England these little pies are literally made by the dozen, so there will be plenty of them for family and friends. They are made of the richest of puff paste, too, which, at the best of times, is an indigestible goody, and the crust is filled with a mince meat filling that is even richer than the crust.—Suburban Life, 1908

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Edwardian Etiquette of Gift Giving

Do not try to make your gift look as though it cost more than you paid for it. Aside from the paltry spirit of such giving, it is a delusion and a snare, for next year your offering must seem to be as fine as the one of this season, or you may appear to have been less anxious to please your friend. 

Suggestions on Bestowing and Receiving Christmas Presents

There is an etiquette governing the giving and receiving of presents, as there is about most things, because there is always a best way to do everything, says the Ladies’ Home Journal. If we penetrate below the surface of the little courteous conventions, we shall find that consideration for the feelings of others underlies all. 

Do not try to make your gift look as though it cost more than you paid for it. Aside from the paltry spirit of such giving, it is a delusion and a snare, for next year your offering must seem to be as fine as the one of this season, or you may appear to have been less anxious to please your friend. 

Take the time to write a few words of loving or cordial greeting on the cards that accompany your gifts. Without that evidence of individual personal thought, the offering of even the finest present appears somewhat graceless and perfunctory. A message on a card is better than a note because it is more informal, and one should not seem to make much of a gift. 

Having your presents daintily wrapped is not less a matter of courtesy. Let their outward appearance commend them. Leave them or send them to their destination the day before Christmas, unless you can insure their reception early in the day. A tardy gift appears like an afterthought.– Hanford Journal, 1910

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Challenges in 1992

Letitia Baldridge was a wise woman: “For every step forward in electronic communications we've taken two steps back in humanity,” Ms. Baldrige said. “People know how to use a computer and answering machines but have forgotten how to connect with one another. Our society is unraveling. We're too self-obsessed. Look at all those unattractive people talking about depraved things all day long on TV talk shows. People can talk about themselves, yet the art of conversation, which has to do with sharing, is disappearing. I feel as though I am chasing a runaway locomotive.” Sadly, Baldrige died in 2012, at the age of 86. One has to wonder what she would have thought of today’s social media platforms.

At Tea with Letitia Baldrige

(She was the Calming Voice of Civility in Uncivil Times)

O TEMPORA! O mores! The mores are enough to make Letitia Baldrige, the guru of social niceties, put down her cup of tea and wring her hands in Ciceronian despair. She reeled off some recent examples.

The bride-to-be who faxed her wedding invitations. The cellular phone that rang during Mass. The young executive who goes from word processor at work to VCR at home and does not know how to make small talk.

“For every step forward in electronic communications we've taken two steps back in humanity,” Ms. Baldrige said. “People know how to use a computer and answering machines but have forgotten how to connect with one another. Our society is unraveling. We're too self-obsessed. Look at all those unattractive people talking about depraved things all day long on TV talk shows. People can talk about themselves, yet the art of conversation, which has to do with sharing, is disappearing. I feel as though I am chasing a runaway locomotive.”

In this automated society, etiquette has an anachronistic ring. But in reality, Ms. Baldrige’s message is not one of clinging to old-fashioned manners when all around are losing theirs but how best to adapt with civility to a changing world.

That's often where tea comes in: people need it more than ever, Ms. Baldrige said. (Yes, Ms. “I'm a businesswoman, and Ms. is an appropriate form of address,” she said. She is known as Tish to friends.) Ms. Baldrige views tea not as a ceremonial or snobbish throwback, but as a relaxing break in the daily routine, and one that is quieter, less complicated and often less demanding of one’s time than lunch or dinner.

With a background in governmental protocol and 18th-century decorative arts, Ms. Baldrige, 66 years old, has progressed from updating Amy Vanderbilt's book of etiquette in the 1970's (with advice on how to address an invitation to a couple who are not married, revolutionary stuff at that time) to writing a guide to manners for executives in the 1980's to sorting out the “new manners” of the 1990's. She is currently revising the executives’ guide, paying attention to issues like sexual harassment, child care and the proper use of beepers.

Before catching a shuttle from New York to Washington, where she lives with her husband, Robert Hollensteiner, a real estate developer, she was having tea at the Mayfair Regent Hotel, one of her favorite places. “They know how to serve it here,” she said as she poured some orange pekoe from a china pot through the silver strainer balanced on her cup. “You'd be surprised how much easier it is to conduct business over tea than over lunch or dinner in a bustling restaurant.”

She selected her tea without hesitation from an assortment of eight. Her utter confidence and sense of command in making her choice, as much as in handling introductions or in keeping a conversation going, are warmly reassuring, never intimidating.

Tea can make people comfortable in a similar fashion. In business situations, Ms. Baldrige believes, the logistics of tea are actually easier to handle than those of a full meal, especially for people who have yet to figure out which side their bread-and-butter plate is on. Once the formality of pouring is out of the way, the participants can get down to business, without spending too much time. No need to worry about elbows on the table because the table is often too low.

“I've seen business deals confirmed over tea and people fired over tea,” she said.

Ms. Baldrige, who now conducts seminars on behavior and corporate relations, cut her social teeth as the personal secretary to the Ambassador at the American Embassy in Paris. That job was the beginning of her career in protocol: she went on to Rome with Ambassador Clare Boothe Luce and then, in 1961, to Washington with the Kennedys. More afternoon teas than she can remember. And enough stories to last for a month of afternoon teas.

“In Rome, I accidently introduced a new Ambassador from Pakistan as the Ambassador from India in front of the entire diplomatic corps,” she recalled. “He exploded and left, and I spent the next four days apologizing with calls, letters, visits, flowers. If I did something like that today, it would be all over the media, and I would probably have been fired. I learned to apologize in a major way.”

She is more careful about introductions and greetings these days. As Ms. Baldrige was considering a little tray of tea sandwiches at the Mayfair Regent, a woman recognized her and stopped, mentioning an occasion when they had met several years ago. No flicker of puzzlement crossed Ms. Baldrige's generous, open face as she waited for the woman to finish. “Of course,” she said brightly, as though the previous encounter had occurred just yesterday. Afterward, she said: “I never would have recognized that woman, but she had the good sense to introduce herself by name. Everybody forgets names and faces, and it's just inconsiderate to expect someone who isn't your boss or your sister-in-law to know exactly who you are.”

What do you do if you fail to pin a name on a familiar face? “You come right out and ask the person's name and then say something about how you know you've met before, but there are days when you even forget your own children's names.”

Not that she is likely to, in the case of her own children. Her daughter, Clare Smyth, 26, is named for Mrs. Luce, and her son, Malcolm Baldrige Hollensteiner, 24, is named for her oldest brother.

She confesses she is somewhat appalled at her son's table manners. “I think he really does it to twit me,” she said. “He's always got the spoon in the ice cream carton, because he can't be bothered with a dish.”

Ms. Baldrige has written a dozen books, many about etiquette. But these days instead of merely talking about manners in her seminars, she digs beneath the formalities to reveal the logical, civilizing nature of social protocol.

“There are major C.E.O.'s who do not know how to hold a knife and fork properly, but I don't worry about that as much as the lack of kindness,” she said. “There are two generations of people who have not learned how important it is to take time to say ‘I'm sorry’ and ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and how people must relate to one another.

“But that does not extend to allowing perfect strangers to address you by your first name. With me they're better off sticking with Baldrige, because too many people have trouble getting Letitia right.”

Ms. Baldrige admits to having some old-fashioned values and holding views that some would call sexist. “I marched in the pro-feminist parade with everyone else in the late 60's,” she said, “but that does not mean that women should abdicate their roles in the family. Women have the babies, and they have to be the ones to teach manners and ethics. Men won't do it because they're more concerned with making money, keeping fit and having a good sex life.”

Ms. Baldrige grew up in Omaha, but you'd never know it from her Eastern establishment accent. She still loves the Midwest for what she calls its relative lack of artifice. She went to Vassar and then, in 1946, enrolled in graduate school, the Jean Jacques Rousseau Institute of Psychology at the University of Geneva. “I fell in love with Europe and decided I would do anything to get back there after I finished my studies,” she said.

She landed the job at the American Embassy in Paris after reluctantly taking a secretarial course, a requirement for a woman trying to get a job in those days. “For me to be in that atmosphere, with people like Dean Acheson coming to the Embassy, was incredible,” she said. Once in the Embassy, even with steno pad in hand, her career was off and running.

When she returned home after three years, she began liberally sprinkling her conversation with French words. “I was thoroughly obnoxious, a big blond snob, really bad news,” she said.

She then worked at the Central Intelligence Agency on a psychological warfare project. “In retrospect, what they were doing was not so different from public relations today,” she said. In 1953, thanks to her command of Italian, she became special assistant to Ambassador Luce in Rome. By 1956, she was in New York at Tiffany & Company as the first director of public relations and the first woman to be an executive there.

“Those were the glorious days of Walter Hoving,” she said, referring to Tiffany's former chairman. “He would not sell scarfs and handbags.”

She took advantage of her job at Tiffany’s to purchase a full set of sterling silver flatware for herself. “I was single, a career woman, but you do not have to be a bride to want beautiful things and to use them when you entertain,” she said. “It should be no different today.”

Then this arbiter of taste looked around the area off the Mayfair Regent lobby where tea is served. Her eyes lighted on the giant floral arrangement in the center of the room. “Look at those fabulous flowers,” she said, adding in a conspiratorial voice, “Sometimes they put in a few fake ones to help out.”

Oh?

“I know it,” she went on, “because I felt them when no one was looking. I'm always doing things like that.” – The Living Section, NYT, 1992

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

High Tea vs Late Supper Etiquette

High tea is more substantial in all matters of food and drink than afternoon tea... While some unscrupulous restaurants try to make afternoon tea sound more ‘high society’ by calling it ‘high tea,’ the word ‘high’ is actually related to ‘it's high time we had something to eat.’ As social events go, high tea is lower on the scale than afternoon tea, because the chances of being fed dinner are small on a day you are given high tea. In that respect it is like the ‘cocktail-buffet,’ than which there are few lower social events. – From Judith Martin’s, Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, 1985

According to “A Hostess,” the chief point of “high tea” as against a late dinner, is that everything is in the room at once, which reduces the difficulty of serving. For an impromptu affair, one hot and one cold dish, with cake and fruit, are ample. This menu is easily enlarged to include chicken pie, mayonnaise of lobster, creamed oysters, salad with French dressing, café frappé, claret cup, etc..., as one desires. – The New York Times, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Cutlery Etiquette

“Silver handles are also much used, though they are not counted as elegant table furniture.” ???  – Etiquipedia realizes that some trends and fads are short lived, and she hopes this is one of them. There is no way that one can convince Etiquipedia that the silver handles of these gilded age, gilded macaroni servers, make them inelegant table furnishings!

Mrs. L. J. D. says, “In selecting cutlery it is well to remember that all fork prongs for table use should be of silver. Taste may govern the selection of the handles. Buckhorn and its imitation are often seen. Ivory is valued, but is not durable. 

Pearl is, of course, the most elegant and the most expensive. Celluloid and ivorine are used instead of ivory, as they do not turn yellow or crack. Silver handles are also much used, though they are not counted as elegant table furniture.” – The NYT, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Tattoo Trends and Manners

A London paper that ought to know better, devotes space and type to the assertion that the practice of tattooing is on the increase among American women – When it comes to good manners, one’s opinion should be left unspoken, and even if asked, one should tread carefully.

According to Etiquipedia, tattoos and other body ornamentation has always been a part of a list of subjects which are considered “Off Limits” in public discussions. This list includes the following– “Anything on a person’s body and any part of a person’s body: This includes skin color, hair color, eye color, hair style, size of nose, ears, teeth, weight, height, piercings, tattoos, birthmarks, etc... Even if you have permission to talk about these things (“Do you like my hair this way?”) be careful about what you say. People many times will ask you what you think because they want a compliment or a validation of their feelings and/or their opinions. 

– Image from Pinterest of “Tattoo Trends for Women,” 1893

The St. James's Gazetle, a London paper that ought to know better, devotes space and type to the assertion that the practice of tattooing is on the increase among American women, and suggests that if the arms of ladies are to be picture galleries or natural history museums, it would be kind to have them uncovered and these pictures open to the public gaze. Another print, with equal solemnity, boldly comes out with the hazard that “American women, cultured and charming as they are, are not likely to give much encouragement to the practice.” Which is a great relief. –The New York Times, 1893

 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Restraints for “Commoners”

 “A deferential manner need not be any barrier to pleasant intercourse,” a proposition that it rather nullified by a later reminder that if “presented to any member of the royal family, or if they shake hands on meeting any one whom they know, it is quite wrong to speak unless some remark is first made,” presumably by the royal person, though this fact is not altogether clear in the reading. How “pleasant intercourse” is going to be brought about by such a one-sided condition of affairs is not at once apparent. – Above, Princess Victoria. She was the fourth child and second daughter of King Edward VII and Alexandra of Denmark, and the younger sister of King George V. 
– photo source, Pinterest  

It is very illuminating to the democratic American mind to read of the restraints and ceremonials that surround royalty on the other side of the water. A weekly journal in a paper on “Etiquette Regarding Royalty,” starts off with a warning that “it is a fatal mistake to relax any etiquette due to them,” meaning the royal personages, and regrets that this is sometimes done. The writer then goes on with the gracious intimation that “a deferential manner need not be any barrier to pleasant intercourse,” a proposition that it rather nullified by a later reminder that if “presented to any member of the royal family, or if they shake hands on meeting any one whom they know, it is quite wrong to speak unless some remark is first made,” presumably by the royal person, though this fact is not altogether clear in the reading. How “pleasant intercourse” is going to be brought about by such a one-sided condition of affairs is not at once apparent.


Further on in the paper it is pointed out that “If any one is dancing in the circle where the royal family may be waltzing, either at a Court ball or otherwise, it is etiquette to stop when they are dancing, so as to avoid the possibility of being in their way. As a rule, one part of the ballroom at Buckingham Palace is specially kept for the royal circle, and the general company do not dance in it. Partners for any of the young Princesses are chosen, and the Vice Chamberlain or other officials inform the gentleman that he is to have the honor of dancing with a Princess. In no case would any one ask for a dance unless such intimation be given.” All of which is enlightenment that most Americans prefer to read about than to have to conform to, and makes one turn with relief to the simplicity of our White House code of manners. – The New York Times, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Letitia Baldrige on Executive Etiquette

You arrive early at a restaurant for a business lunch to which you've been invited by a fellow executive. Do you take a table? If you take a table, should you order a drink? And if your host never arrives, what do you do?

Take the table, but not the drink, because "It looks sloppy," says Letitia Baldrige, the former White House social secretary and an authority on etiquette. Nor should you eat the bread sticks: "It gets the table all crumbed up." If the host fails to arrive after 40 minutes, tip the waiter $5 or $10 and let the other executive know, so that you can be reimbursed. "A host is a host," Miss Baldrige said.

This month Miss Baldrige, who heads her own public relations and marketing company, is starting a "corporate manners" division to educate men and women on the nicer points that are often overlooked in the business world. There is a desperate need for such training, she said in an needs, Mr. Korda said, "is efficiency, excellence and caring about your work."

Whatever the value of corporate manners, few people would seem better prepared to instill them than Miss Baldrige. A Vassar graduate, she has spent a lifetime advising others on etiquette, as social secretary to the late Ambassador and Mrs. David Bruce in Paris, to the former Ambassador Clare Boothe Luce in Rome and to Jacqueline Kennedy in the White House. In 1978, Miss Baldrige revised "The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette," and she is currently writing a book on corporate etiquette, to be published next year.

The vice president of Miss Baldrige's new division, Lily Lodge, has a pedigree at least as impressive. Miss Lodge is a Wellesley alumna, niece of the late Henry Cabot Lodge and daughter of John Davis Lodge, the United States Ambassador to Switzerland. Miss Lodge, a speech teacher, will bring her talents to "a business world punctuated with dissonant voices, harsh accents and unpleasant tones,” Miss Baldridge said.

Miss Lodge has already helped modulate voices at Revlon, Citibank and the Ford Foundation. "I've worked with lots of women climbing up the corporate ladder who have shrill, high voices, so that what they

in their companies," she said, while "middle managers are fascinated" with the subject. Clients have included Dean Witter Reynolds, where she was a director before the brokerage house was acquired by Sears, Roebuck.

Corporate manners training will encompass the usual niceties of the non business world: How to make an introduction; how to be a good host or guest; how to become a good conversationalist. But it will also cover a range of subjects particularly relevant to corporate life: when to use office stationery for extracurricular matters; how to act at a meeting; how to behave at a business lunch.

There is, for example, the matter of etiquette on corporate jets. Given the pressure to take off on time, "guests should arrive early," Miss Baldrige said, "and they should be very polite to the crew." The host's obligation is to serve "healthy, good food - not cold quiche" and to have an up-to-date annual report on board. "There are little details that make corporate jets exceptional," she said.

The quality of a company's stationery can be telltale, too. "A really first class company uses really fine stationery," Miss Baldrige said. From the chairman's office down to the executive vice president level, genuine engraved stationery is de rigueur. "Fake engraved stationery is like fake furs," she said.

She is enthusiastic about letter-writing for joyful occasions (a colleague's daughter is admitted to Harvard) or somber events (family illness). If an executive has just emerged from a meeting at which he came under fire, Miss Baldrige said, a well-mannered colleague peer or subordinate - should drop him a solicitous line: "Dear George, I understand that you had a tough time, and hope your spirits are up."

In the cutthroat corporate world, admittedly, such commiseration might be regarded a trifle suspiciously. "I'd kill anybody who did that to me," Mr. Korda said. "First of all, who needs it? Secondly, maybe the man deserved to have a tough time."

While he is "in favor of good manners," Mr. Korda insisted, he doubts that social niceties can be transferred to business. "Manners in corporations are for people in positions of power so that they don't misuse their power," he said. "For the rest, I'm not sure it comes up. Business is not necessarily nice. It's competitive and harsh, it has to do with excellence and self-interest."

Miss Baldrige disagrees. For every Machiavellian prince at a company, she maintained, there are a dozen true princes. "It's like taxi drivers," she explained. "If you take five taxis a day, one driver will be nasty and the other four are perfectly nice. You remember the nasty one. But you should remember the four who were nice. And we just have to look at corporate America that way." – By S. Salmans, 1983

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Floral Etiquette for Table Setting

“The guests should be able to have direct eye contact with the person they are talking to without having to duck up and down or around the flowers.” — Gilded age patent for a table centerpiece that would allow for conversation with, and unobstructed views of those dining across the table.

Creating Floral Displays

The main rule for arranging flowers for a table is that the display should be either above or below the eye level of people conversing across the table. The guests should be able to have direct eye contact with the person they are talking to without having to duck up and down or around the flowers. When you are using glass or crystal vases, remember that it isn't just the flower heads that are on show — you'll see the stems as well, so they should be clean, neatly cut, and placed in clear water. I always try to find flowers that are in season. Forced flowers don't last, and one of the nice things about holding a party at home is that you can have the pleasure and enjoyment of the flowers during the following days. — From “Perfect Tables: Tabletop secrets, settings, and centerpieces for delicious dining,” William Yeoward

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Breakfast Etiquette

For the breakfast salad, the hearts of two heads of lettuce may be served with a good French dressing, and for the chief dish of the meal, lamb chops and French peas will abundantly answer, particularly if broiled tomatoes are offered with it. The tomatoes are cut into halves and put on a broiler, well browned on each side; serve on a hot platter, with a lump of butter on each half, and some sprigs of watercress laid about them.

At Once a Most Simple and Delightful Form of Summer Entertainment

“We are building a little Summer cottage,” said a woman the other day, “or, rather,” she corrected herself, “we are building a Summer piazza with, I believe, a bit of a cottage some where in the background.” Which is about how the modern suburban home expresses itself, to the increased advantage of its inmates.

The resources of the out-of-town piazza have now been developed to admit of almost any occupation being carried on within its limits. Persons read, write, sew, and play cards; they sleep, eat, and dance on their piazzas, and get in the process just so much additional fresh air.

Perhaps the most enjoyable possibility of piazza life is the Summer morning breakfast. Many near-by New-Yorkers make it a practice to have the first meal on Sunday, when the busy head of the house need not rush for the early train, taken on the piazza, and with a little care and taste expended, an al fresco breakfast can be made the poetry of eating. 

Most of these porticoes are shaded by trailing vines or hanging baskets, and very often a rolling piazza screen forms a little room which will lend itself delightfully to the purpose desired. Through the French window, a table can be easily carried and placed in a convenient spot as to angles and turns. The napery should be of good tine French damask, with broad border of any suitable color. 

A white and gold breakfast-set is one of the most tasteful and effective and can be relieved with bits of color in the accessories of the dainty feast. The cups and saucers, sugar bowl and chocolate pot can be placed on the small tea table which nowadays graces every porch. The Japanese designs are, as usual, unique, and; a tea-set of this ware is as much in vogue as it was some years ago.

For a first course for your breakfast à la fourchette, is a compromise between the first meal and a dinner, yet something not quite equal to an elaborate luncheon, there may be Little Neck clams. Six on a plate are quite sufficient, with a slice of lemon to bring out their flavor, followed by soft shell crabs. These should be done in good Southern style; cleaned, wiped dry, and fried in good butter or the best olive oil without any batter, which is most unsuitable to this delicate morsel; when brown serve them garnished with parsley. 

Two vegetables go with this course, and one should be home-made Saratoga potatoes. A perfect rule for their preparation is as follows: Cut the potatoes into small slices and lay in ice-cold water until they are thoroughly chilled; drain, and wipe dry with a clean cloth. Put a large cup full of lard into your frying kettle and let it boil until it has passed the boiling point and remains perfectly still; then throw in the potatoes, and when they have taken on a rich brown color, remove them quickly and toss lightly into a colander to drain thoroughly. Keep them in a hot tin, uncovered, till needed at the table. If a cover is placed over them they are made greasy and uneatable. 

For the breakfast salad, the hearts of two heads of lettuce may be served with a good French dressing, and for the chief dish of the meal, lamb chops and French peas will abundantly answer, particularly if broiled tomatoes are offered with it. The tomatoes are cut into halves and put on a broiler, well browned on each side; serve on a hot platter, with a lump of butter on each half, and some sprigs of watercress laid about them.

As a light dessert or sweet, the breakfast may have some well-cooked waffles, with which sugar or honey may be eaten. Only four of these ought to be sent in at a time, brown and hot, and deliciously tempting. The table should then be cleaned and crumbed, and a dish of fruit, to which apricots, peaches, and plums lend their color, placed in the centre, while coffee or chocolate is served from the side table. 

Cigars and cigarettes offered at the finish are a concession to the men present, etiquette not demanding the ladies retiring, as these out-door affairs are not rigid ceremonials. With a few guests, and set at any hour between 10 and 12, such an al fresco breakfast becomes almost charming, as it is a most simple, form of Summer entertainment. – The New York Times, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of La Politesse Française

Do not eat in the street, do not smoke a pipe in the street, do not smoke a cigar in the street, if you are walking with a lady – “not even if you happen to be this lady’s husband.”

Lessons in French Politeness

According to the author of “La Politesse Française,” a work recently published in Paris, a gentleman, when he gives his hand to a friend, must press his friend’s hand but not shake it. If he is about to shake hands with a peasant, he must present his hand ungloved, or the peasant will consider himself insulted. If he is about to shake hands with a lady, he must keep his gloves on. When he offers to conduct a lady to the piano, he must, taking her hand, half-close his own. 

In dancing with a lady, he must “not permit himself” to squeeze her hand; and he must, if he wishes to show himself a true gentleman – or, at least, “un véritable gentleman” spend 18,000 francs, or $3,500, a year on his gloves. A gentleman who spent this each a year on his gloves, of various kinds and colors, would probably, if only for the sake of consistency, treat himself every day to at least one new hat. All, however, that we are told on the subject, is that a gentleman’s hat should always be “bright and brilliant.” A gentleman never altogether separates himself from his hat, though it is not etiquette to wear it in a room. In the street, on meeting an equal of his own sex, he takes it off for a moment. Оn meeting a lady, or superior of his own sex, he remains uncovered until he is told to put his hat on. 

Do not eat in the street, do not smoke a pipe in the street, do not smoke a cigar in the street, if you are walking with a lady – “not even if you happen to be this lady’s husband.” It seems odd to tell a gentleman who is supposed to spend $3,500 a year on his gloves not to smoke a pipe in the street, but we have reproduced this caution as we find it. When you bow, bow properly, but not to deeply that your vertebral column will make a right angle with your legs. 

If an officer in uniform salutes you, do not make yourself ridiculous by returning his salute in military fashion. A lawyer will not only think you silly, but will be greatly irritated if, visiting him on a matter of business, you ask him how he is, inquire after the health of his wife, express a hope that the children are all well, and so on. This sort of talk should be reserved for friends whose time is not valuable or who have no right to charge for it. – The New York Times, 1876

 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Tip to Latins

 

“The original smoking jacket was, in fact, a robe de chambre, or dressing gown. As international trade grew in the early 1600’s and tobacco became a part of men’s lives, smoking jackets became part of a gentlemanly wardrobe in an effort to protect his clothes. This was a tie when men’s wardrobes weren’t nearly the size that they tend to be today, so protecting one’s sartorial investments carried an even greater importance than it does now.
“At first, it was only appropriate for a man to be seen in a smoking jacket in front of his family, or perhaps in front of his personal butler (as you might imagine, only men of means would wear these).
By the 1800’s, the jacket began to morph from a robe style covering (complete with sash belt, like a modern bathrobe) to a shorter style resembling a dinner jacket. It was around this time that the tradition of retiring into one’s study for a smoke and a port became common. “The rising popularity of Turkish tobacco at the time is directly linked with this phenomenon.As dinner jackets continued to replace the tailcoat for dinner, the smoking jacket too gained popularity. Gentlemen began wearing versions that had different closures (not a sash) so that they could be worn to an actual dinner, not just afterwards. As the 1950’s approached, male celebrities like Frank Sinatra, Cary grant, and Fred Astaire all wore smoking jackets regularly with their black tie attire, and did so outside of the home.” - Bespoke Unit  – Gomez Addams (Raul Julia) in a stylish smoking jacket.
–Image source, Pinterest

Problem in Censorship

WASHINGTON, April 8 — The Children's Bureau of the Department of Labor is trying to figure how to tell Latin-American delegates to a conference early in May to bring “black tie” without runnning afoul of cable censors, the knowledge of social slang of the delegates or the Controller General.

Most of the delegates will come by airplane and have to be economical of baggage, so they have been asking Washington by cable: “Shall we bring frac, smoking or both?” This means “tails or dinner coats,” but if the bureau replies “smoking sufficient,” it feels that the censors will think it is code and stop the message. If it says “black tie” the Latins won't understand. And if it goes into detail, the Controller General might reject the bill as a needless extravagance.

No one has decided yet how the situation can be met. –The New York Times, 1942

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia