Etiquette and Those You Don’t Enjoy

Navigating Social Situations with

People You Don't Enjoy

Image Source: milkos; "Bad Date.", 2023. Accessed via https://www.123RF.com/photo_161891686, Standard License.

We've all been there — stuck at a networking event, family gathering, or workplace function with people you don't enjoy spending time with. Whether they're acquaintances who rub you the wrong way or new connections that simply don't click, etiquette requires us to maintain civil, respectful behavior even when every fiber of our being wants to escape. The good news? With the right strategies, you can navigate these uncomfortable social situations with grace and dignity.

Understanding the Challenge

When you encounter people you don't enjoy being around, your body often signals distress before your mind catches up. You might feel yourself tense up, experience a sense of dread, or mentally transport yourself anywhere but where you currently stand. These are normal reactions, but they don't have to control your behavior or compromise your professional reputation.

Essential Mindfulness Techniques

The foundation for managing interactions with people you don't enjoy lies in mindfulness. Practice these grounding techniques:

• Breathe deeply through your nose, allowing oxygen to calm your nervous system. Exhale slowly and deliberately — but avoid audible sighing, which can signal impatience or discomfort to others. This simple breathing pattern helps regulate your emotional response and maintains your composure.

• Practice active, attentive listening by focusing genuinely on what the other person is saying rather than planning your escape. This keeps you anchored in the present moment and paradoxically makes the interaction pass more quickly. When you're truly engaged, you'll also spot natural conversation endpoints that allow for polite exits.

• Maintain your composure by checking your body language. Keep your facial expressions neutral to pleasant, avoid crossing your arms defensively, and resist the urge to look at your phone or scan the room for better options.

Conversation Strategies for Difficult Interactions

Once you've centered yourself, employ these tactical approaches in navigating conversation:

• Start positively when entering shared spaces. A simple, genuine opener like "I hope your drive was pleasant" or "It's good to see you" sets a cordial tone that makes the entire interaction easier to manage.

• Find common ground or shared goals, especially in professional settings. Even with people you don't enjoy, you likely share some connection — whether it's a work project, mutual acquaintance, or common interest. Focusing on these neutral territories keeps conversations productive and less personal.

• Redirect skillfully when conversations veer into uncomfortable territory. Use a light touch to change subjects: "That reminds me, did you hear about..." or "Speaking of which, I've been meaning to ask someone about..."

• Employ validating phrases like "That's interesting" or "I hadn't considered that perspective" to acknowledge contributions without necessarily agreeing. 

• Challenge your negative thoughts when they arise. Notice when you're thinking critically about someone and consciously counter it with something neutral or positive. This internal practice prevents negativity from seeping into your expression or tone.

Cultivating Compassion

Perhaps the most powerful tool for managing people you don't enjoy is compassion. Remember that everyone carries invisible burdens — social anxiety, low self-esteem, personal struggles, or simply feeling out of place. The person irritating you might be deeply uncomfortable themselves, expressing their discomfort in ways that don't resonate with you.

We don't always know another person's full story, despite assumptions made through workplace gossip or first impressions. Ask open-ended questions that invite storytelling: "How did you get started in your field?" or "What's been the highlight of your week?" You might discover surprising common ground or qualities worth appreciating.

The Professional Standard

Regardless of personal feelings, maintaining professional dignity is non-negotiable. This means never using coarse language, avoiding confrontational behavior, and treating everyone with basic respect. Your reputation depends not on how you treat people you like, but on how you treat people you don't enjoy.

Finding Perspective

Sometimes, the qualities that bother us in others reflect aspects of ourselves we haven't fully accepted. Other times, people simply handle situations differently than we would. Extending grace acknowledges that we're all imperfect, all doing our best with the tools and awareness we have.

By keeping interactions civil, polite, and when possible, brief, you protect your own peace while honoring etiquette's fundamental principle: treating all people with dignity, regardless of personal preference.

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Civility and Being Agreeable

A genuine smile is always agreeable! – “The presence of an agreeable person is like a ray of sunshine that warms everything on which it falls.”

Civility has been likened to an air cushion —possessing no tangible substance, yet serving to ease the jolts we encounter in passing through life. To say that a person is civil does not imply that he is agreeable, yet civility is the next step to being agreeable. While wonders may be accomplished by being civil and agreeable, nothing can be gained by incivility. 

Manners make the man or woman. The presence of an agreeable person is like a ray of sunshine that warms everything on which it falls, while a disagreeable person will chill the pleasantest company ever assembled, and it is one of those mysteries that can never be solved why such a one is permitted to flourish. - The San Diego Daily Bee, 1887

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Digital Civility

How is Technology 
Challenging Civility?

Technology can improve lives and provides boundless communication possibilities.  It brings people together when physical distance would keep us apart.  The opportunities for friendships, education, and employment abound because of endless technological advancements.

However, there is a downside.  Technology makes private reactions instantly public, creating a challenge to civility.  

In 2020, Microsoft reported that digital civility is at the lowest level in four years.  “Microsoft’s Digital Civility Index stands at 70%, the highest reading of perceived online incivility since the survey began in 2016, and the first time the DCI has reached the 70th percentile.  Moreover, the equally troubling trends of emotional and psychological pain—and negative consequences that follow online-risk exposure—both also increased significantly.”

A recent personal experience with online incivility came about when I entered a live-streaming news event.  The app allows for anyone to post immediate, hair-raising reactions in emoji’s and comments as well.  An angry emoji often accompanies a venomous comment.  Comments consume two-thirds of the app screen and subsumed the live news report.  

During this same live-stream event, I offered a compliment regarding the person speaking.  I received an instant notification from a person I don’t know who had placed negative emojis and negative comments about my positive comment—on my social media page.  I checked this person’s social media and he seemed as if he would be a nice enough fellow, yet he felt compelled to “dis” my positive comment with negativity.  Not very civil. 

Technology is a Problem

Technology is neutral.  Whatever good or bad, positive or negative, form it takes is created by how we engage it.  

The problem with digital technology is that there is little accountability or incentive to encourage empathy.  And no disincentives for bad behavior.  

Without an accountability structure, there is no opportunity to learn empathy, as there is no reason to have to put yourself in another person’s shoes.  Absent is in-person, face-to-face, having to look someone in the eye and be response-able.  You really can be more or less anonymous and face no consequences, no feedback. 

Will this hurt civility in our society?  It certainly could.  Empathy is at the core of civility, and without empathy we can never know how we might help someone or understand beyond our narrow bubbles of perception what another person is like or what they might need.

Civility is a Big Deal

A person wrote to me asking why I make such a big deal out of etiquette.  He commented that he likes getting things off his chest and what he says doesn’t hurt anyone—no, he continued—if anything his comments might stop them long enough to think.  I responded, “Maybe your negativity hurts you.  Maybe you are de-humanizing yourself.”  He didn’t write back.  

Being human requires being aware of the effects and impact you have on another human.  Otherwise, there is no consideration.  Feedback and consequences give us the opportunity to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes.  

If we can’t imagine what it is like in those shoes, then we can’t develop empathy.  Without empathy, we are more likely to create a situation where a person might be hurt.

At the end of the day, we must ask ourselves what kind of a person we’ve been.  Would we want those we love to know that we hadn’t intended to be civil, to be respectful?  

Practice this digital civility challenge daily:  

1. Live by the Golden Rule.
2. Respect differences and perspectives.
3. Pause before responding to things.
4. Stand up for yourself and others.  

There is always promise for the future.  But, really, it’s up to each of us as individuals to be the best we can be.  Humans can choose to be etiquette-ful.  This quality can never be legislated.

Will you choose to be respectful and kind today?

                                             

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Morals, Manners and Kindness

“Civility,” said Lady Montagu, “costs nothing and buys everything.” The cheapest of all things in kindness, its exercise requiring the least possible trouble and self-sacrifice.

Morals and manners, which give color to life, are of much greater importance than laws, which are but their manifestations. The law touches us here and there, but manners are about us everywhere, pervading society like the air we breathe. Good manners, as we call them, are neither more, nor less, than good behavior; consisting of courtesy and kindness, benevolence being the preponderating element in all kinds of mutually beneficial and pleasant intercourse among human beings. 

“Civility,” said Lady Montagu, “costs nothing and buys everything.” The cheapest of all things in kindness, its exercise requiring the least possible trouble and self-sacrifice. “Win hearts,” said Burleigh to Queen Elizabeth, “and you have all men’s hearts and purses.” If we would only let nature act kindly, free from affectation and artifice, the results on social good humor and happiness would be incalculable.— Colusa Daily Sun, 1920

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and ‘Perfect Civility’

“Never resent publicly a lack of courtesy; it is the worst in possible taste. What you do privately about dropping such an acquaintance, must be left to yourself.” — Meme source, Twitter

Maintaining a Civil Demeanor is Advised When in Public

Never show that you feel a slight. For no one but a mean person will put a slight on another, and such a person profoundly respects the other one who is unconscious of his feeble spite. Never resent publicly a lack of courtesy; it is the worst in possible taste. What you do privately about dropping such an acquaintance, must be left to yourself. We are not always wrong when we quarrel; but if we meet our deadliest foe at a friend's house, etiquette keeps us bound to treat him with perfect civility. — San Francisco Call, 1886

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Civility and World Needs

What the World Needs Now is a Civilizing Influence

The word “civility” originates from the Latin word, “civilis,” meaning related to public life, befitting a citizen.  The word’s application has a long history.

Philosopher, Michael J. Meyer, urges fellow philosophers not to take civility for granted, as it is a vital but unexplored public practice.  Civility is not only a public virtue, with reasoned civil discourse as the method for making society better, civility is core to close-knit communities, and it is a personal virtue as well.  

He emphasizes that the two main conceptions of civility are reasoned public discourse and the civility of etiquette, roughly a chief component of civilized society.

With so many division lines today, public civil discourse can seem unavailable as the expression and method of public virtue.  Recent events have highlighted the injustices rampant in our country and raised the alarming cry that, as a society, we must remember that we are first and foremost persons, each deserving equal justice and treatment under our laws.

“Demonization is a great and growing plague in public life today.”  

~ Sam Fleischacker

The Civilizing Influence of Etiquette 

And what about the civilizing influence of etiquette?  How can we show up etiquette-fully in our conversations?  How can we find a positive perception of our world?

• Realize the many points of view in times of civil unrest are held by fellow human beings.  Address them as individuals or summarize the statements they want to make. “Kyle, don’t you think the demonstrator who held the sign, 'Listen to us!' is making a very important statement?”
• Create a distance from replays of incivilities to plan individual action.  “Kris, I know you were really sad that this happened, but let’s change the subject for our own good.  What can we do or help with?”
• Make a practice every day of noticing some positive things in your public world, and keep in mind that what you focus on expands.  
• Look for instances of people respecting others. 
• Withhold negative comments that add no value. 
• Reach out professionally and socially to check in on others.
• Lift others up with accurate and heartfelt complements.  
• Pause.  Breathe.  Take the high road.
  

Civic Responsibility

As a citizen of your community, you have a responsibility to contribute to the good of that community.  This might include helping to keep public areas neat and clean, shopping and doing business locally to strengthen your community's economy, and getting involved with local civic organizations. 

Civility, not only an etiquette practice, is a public practice.  It is influenced by the actions of the governing bodies of a community, state, and nation.  And it is important to remember that a governing body is chosen by the citizenry.  Ideally, citizens should be voting as informed citizens or public civility is compromised.

Share Some Love

Do you remember the song, “What the World Needs Now Is Love”?  It’s a sentimental but sensible song if you think of it as a reminder that everyone longs for a more perfect state of the world, of public life.  

How can we love others more in the here and now?  By practicing civility.  Being friendly and kind to others, even to someone who has hurt your feelings or offended you.  By forgiving others.  By honoring someone else’s ideas even if you don’t agree with them.  By being gentle, but principled in your speech.  

As humans, we navigate a world of other people, each with their own interests and temperamental idiosyncrasies.  They may be neighbors or live in an entirely different environment.  But we are all collaborators in making our society work.  Each of us must be the civilizing influence. 

References:Fleischacker, Samuel. Being Me Being You: Adam Smith and Empathy. University of Chicago Press, 2019. 

Meyer, Michael J. “Liberal Civility and the Civility of Etiquette.” Social Theory and Practice, vol. 26, no. 1, 2000, pp. 69–84., doi:10.5840

                                         

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia