19th C. Concert Etiquette

The proprieties in deportment which concerts require, are little different from those which are recognized in every other assembly or in public exhibitions…

Of Concerts

The proprieties in deportment which concerts require, are little different from those which are recognized in every other assembly or in public exhibitions; for concerts partake of the one and the other, according as they are public or private. In private concerts, the ladies occupy the front seats, and the gentlemen are generally in groups behind, or at the side of them. 

One should observe the most profound silence, and refrain from beating time, humming the airs, applauding, or making ridiculous gestures of admiration. Very often a dancing soirée succeeds a concert, and billets of invitation distributed two or three days beforehand should give notice of it to the persons invited.

When a lady is going to perform, it is good ton for a gentleman to stand behind the chair of the performer, and turn over the leaves attentively, if he knows how to read music.

We ought also, after an invitation to a concert, to return a visit of thanks. — Elisabeth Celnart, 1833

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Tales of Table Manners of Old

“I saw a fellow eating with his knife. A few years ago any man might have eaten with his knife and no one would have cared. But manners are better than they used to be... He was an elderly man and evidently had learned his manners in the old days.”

“In a restaurant of the lower middle class” said an epicure, “I saw a fellow eating with his knife. A few years ago any man might have eaten with his knife and no one would have cared. But manners are better than they used to be, and this man's proceedings attracted attention all over the room. He was an elderly man and evidently had learned his manners in the old days.

“By the way, are children still taught to leave the last piece of bread or cake for ‘Manners?’ In Charles Leland's child's book, ‘Johnnykin and the Goblins,’ Mr. Manners appears—a thin, cadaverous gentleman in evening clothes, who is supported by what the children leave for him in the dish. 

“Do you still cut off the tip of the boiled tongue before you begin to serve the tongue?” I don't know why that used to be done. Perhaps as a sacrifice to the gods? I think that most of the tongues nowadays come in cans, so that perhaps the tips cannot he cut off as of old. – San Diego Union and Daily Bee, 1895

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23 Victorian Dining Rules

Though catalogs and shops in the 1870’s, 1880’s and 1890’s featured the newest and latest designs in tableware, knowledge of the “correct fork” to use is nowhere on this list of good table manners for guests, and hosts, alike. Knowing all of the correct utensils is wonderful, but the premise of good manners being based on kindness towards our fellow man, remains the same. 

Dining at the 19th C. Table

True politeness has its origin in Christian charity and kindness. All standard rules of etiquette were founded for the greater convenience and happiness of all the members of society. Although the reasons may not be obvious at first sight, they exist, and will be apparent on a careful consideration. 

1. Do not keep others waiting for you, either at the beginning or at the close of the meal. 
2. Do not sip soup from the tip, but from the side of the spoon. 
3. Be careful not to drop nor spill anything on the table cloth. 
4. Keep your plate neat; do not heap all sorts of food on it at once. 
5. In passing your plate to be refilled, retain the knife and fork. 
6. When asked for a dish, do not shove, but hand it. 
7. While drinking, do not look around. 
8. Instruct the servant to hand the cup at the left side, so that it may be received by the right hand. 
9. Do not drink your tea or coffee without first removing the teaspoon from the cup to the saucer. 
10. Use the knife for cutting only; never put it to the lips nor in the mouth. 
11. Break your bread into small pieces and rest them on your plate while spreading. 
12. Do not eat too fast. Besides giving one the appearance of greed, it is not healthy. 
13. If you find anything disagreeable in your food, put it aside as quietly as possible, without drawing the attention of anyone to it. 
14. Do not open the lips nor make any unnecessary noise in chewing. 
15. Do not touch the head. 
16. Do not rest the elbows on the table. 
17. Do not speak with the mouth full. 
18. Brush the table neatly before bringing on the dessert. 
19. Be thoughtful and attentive to the wants of those about you. 
20. Converse on pleasant subjects with those sitting near you. 
21. Do not say anything not intended for all present to hear. 
22. Leave your plate with the knife and fork lying parallel, the handles pointing to the right. 
23. Never leave the table before others, without asking the lady or gentleman who presides to excuse you. — Russian River Flag, 1871

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Ladies' Street Etiquette

In large cities, street etiquette is well understood by ladies.

A Word to the Ladies

In large cities, street etiquette is well understood by ladies. In Santa Rosa there is a lamentable lack of knowledge on that subject. For instance, it is not considered ladylike for two ladies walking abreast to occupy both parallel walks on a street crossing and force a gentleman to take the mud. When by following one after the other, a person coming from the opposite direction has also the privilege of crossing dry shod. For this reason two parallel walks are provided. Keep to the right ladies and go single file over street crossings. — Sonoma Democrat, 1874

 

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Etiquette, Culture and Polish

Never ask a man twice to call upon you. If he does not accept your first invitation, take it for granted that he does not care to do so. 

Etiquette and Social Customs:

Useful Points for People in Search of Culture and Polish 

The following, from answers given to correspondents in Harper's Bazaar, cover just such points as many people are interested in: 

While the use of "for" or "to" before the name addressed upon an envelope is not "distinctly bad form," it is certainly unnecessary, and lessens the elegant appearance of a more simple form of address. 

It is certainly not nice form to offer the left hand to an acquaintance while the right is of possible use. 

The receipt of the card from your summer acquaintance leaves you precisely as if she had given you the card in exchange for yours last summer. If you desire to continue the acquaintance, and are the younger woman, call upon her; if not, wait for her to call upon you.

Of all things be simple, quiet and natural in your manner; cultivate a soft toned voice, and do not gesticulate; speak good English before you attempt French; the latter is an accomplishment, the former a necessity. 

An afternoon tea is the most informal of entertainments. You may serve your tea in a special room or all about, as you find most convenient. Serve small napkins with the tea.

A young girl is not supposed to do any entertaining in her own name, unless possibly an informal affair where only other young girls are invited. 

Never ask a man twice to call upon you. If he does not accept your first invitation, take it for granted that he does not care to do so. 

It is better form to ask for a card for your guest, although you may take her to a tea without that formality. 

On a reception day or at a tea you should leave your cards in the card tray in the hall on your departure. 

A lady should rise to greet a gentleman or to bid him farewell in her own house. The proposal to correspond should come from the gentleman. 

No call is necessary in acknowledgment of an afternoon tea. A card left or sent to a tea discharges the obligation. — From The Los Angeles Herald, 1891

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Gilded Age Etiquette of Informal Dinners

“No matter how uninteresting one's partner may be, one must be thoughtful and entertaining...”

The informal dinner, daily served in thousands of refined American homes, is a much less pretentious affair than the name “dinner” technically implies. In most cases the service is but partially à la Russe, most courses, and all the entires, being set on the table, the serving and “helping” being done by some member of the family; the presence of a waitress being sometimes dispensed with except at transition points; as, when the table is cleared before the dessert. This formality is the most decided dinner feature of the meal, which throughout its progress has been conducted more like a luncheon. Yet, in all essential points of mannerliness, the family dinner is governed by the same rules that control the formal banquet. 

It is perhaps needless to remark that the dinner à la Russe in its perfection cannot be carried out without a number of competent servants. These may be hired when some special occasion warrants extra preparations for due formality. But for customary '”entertaining,” those who “live quietly,” with possibly but one domestic to assist with the dinner, will show good sense in not attempting anything more imposing than they are able to compass successfully. The “family dinner” has a dignity of its own when in keeping with all the conditions; and though its menu may be simple, its service unpretentious, it may be the gracious exponent of a hospitality “fit for a king.”

At the informal dinner it is customary to seat the guests in the order in which they enter the dining-room, without assigning any place of distinction; all the places at table being held of equal honor —comfort and convenience being the things chiefly considered. –From “Etiquette: An Answer to the Riddle When? Where? How??” By Agnes H. Morton

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A 19th C. Etiquette Lament

Politeness Has Vanished

A few of the people in this room have no idea of the kindly spirit that seeks to make things pleasant for the humblest stranger, as well as for the guest.

I am not an old woman, and yet I have lived long enough to see the almost utter decadence of old-fashioned virtues. Take politeness, for instance—simple, old-fashioned politeness, that sprung from the heart, like a rose from the root. How little we see of it nowadays. 

We see a great deal of what you call company manners, learned from a book of etiquette, perhaps; but the kindly spirit that seeks to make things pleasant for the humblest stranger, as well as for the guest who comes in the van of a trumpeting herald, is growing rarer each year.


What if it does cost a little trouble to answer a question, or drop your task to direct a stranger; what is the use of being in the world at all if not to lend a helping hand where we can and make folks happy? 

The courtesy that is only shown to people we know, and to people who can respond perhaps in kind, is a spurious courtesy, as different from old-time politeness as a pink made of muslin to a sweet, carnation that grows in the garden and woos the bees. — Philadelphia Times, 1895

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Etiquette and Conversation

Harper's Bazaar's 1893 Hints on Conversation

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." ~Dorothy Nevill

It has been recently stated that conversation is a lost art. Certainly the listener appears to be out of date. Persons who have regard for the usages of polite society should remember that listening is one of the canons of good manners. 

Absent mindedness is impolite. Every one is entitled to have a fair share of attention paid him when conversing. If one is bored, courtesy demands he should listen and appear to appreciate the story that is related on the subject under discussion. A writer on social etiquette once remarked that "nine times out of ten the attentive listener is more admired than the most brilliant talker." 

Avoid in conversation all mention of your own affairs. The clever woman guards her hearthstone, its sorrows, troubles and annoyances, as carefully as she does the sacredness of her religion. The world admires your cheerfulness, your attractiveness, your brightness. Your griefs belong to yourself. They are your inner life, which should be closed with iron portals. Even if your heart breaks, recollect the critical public at all times, likes a smiling face and cheerful manner. —Harper's Bazar, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Charles Dickens

Carving was most often reserved for the master of the house or for distinguished guests. All gentlemen were expected to know the exact way to carve any dish before them.

Charles Dickens’s picturesque story of the life of David Copperfield is a classic tale. When Copperfield marries his childlike bride, Dora, they set up housekeeping. Dora has few domestic skills and very little common sense, however. One of their first attempts at housekeeping was to invite David’s good friend Tommy Traddles to dinner. Dickens’s description of the ensuing scene is one of the most amusing dining scenes in English literature. Copperfield starts to recount the evening: “I could not have wished for a prettier little wife at the opposite end of the table,” but the table, and the entire room, are hopelessly cramped and cluttered. Their dog, Jip, is another distraction:

I could have wished ... that Jip had never been encouraged to walk about the table-cloth during dinner. I began to think there was something disorderly in his being there at all, even if he had not been in the habit of putting his foot in the salt or the melted-butter. On this occasion he seemed to think he was introduced expressly to keep Traddles at bay; and he barked at my old friend, and made short runs at his plate ...

All of this is quite hilarious and is captured in the illustration. Another problem in the ill-fated meal is that Copperfield fails in his attempt to carve the “boiled leg of mutton.” Carving was most often reserved for the master of the house or for distinguished guests. All gentlemen were expected to know the exact way to carve any dish before them. Etiquette books at that time were full of carving instructions for every type of fowl or animal. As he struggles with the joint of meat, Copperfield asks Dora about another dish at the table. 

Dora had innocently purchased a little barrel of oysters. In the mid-19th century, oyster-knives, and all other appropriate flatware, were laid on all of the best tables to suit a host's and hostess' menu. Alas, the Copperfields “had no oyster-knives—and couldn’t have used them if we had; so we looked at the oysters and ate the mutton.” From the Personal History of David Copperfield was originally published in London in serial parts in 1849-50

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Etiquette in Gilded Age Boston

“So tell us about your new social club, girls.” The tact and graciousness which please the cultured and unlearned of society manners, never count for more than among those who have not studied the rules of etiquette!

“New! Social Clubs for Working Girls in 1888!”

The successful beginning of a social club for working girls in Boston shows that experience has taught the way of interesting and amusing a most critical class of young women. Efforts made by girls of leisure to meet socially those who work, are apt to fail from want of tact on the part of the former and suspicion from the latter. Sometimes the benevolent young lady makes the mistake of establishing too intimate and cordial relations with the working girl whom she kindly hopes to elevate and encourage.


She visits the girl at her home, invites her to dinner or tea, and places their relations on the basis of intimate friendship. Although some instances of this method have been excellent in results, many; have been painful in termination. On the other hand, a social club with educational aims may be made beneficial to all its members. A young woman who was active in the formation of a successful club said to me, "Both the girls at leisure and the girls that work gain from our pleasant relations. We learn much from the others. Girls who earn their own living; gain a keenness from meeting the world which we cannot attain in our quiet home lives. They are so bright, too. We feel that they can take our measure, as it were, at once, and we are sometimes positively afraid of their penetrating looks."


It has been found that the young woman who has achieved social success in her own circle is most apt to be appreciated by the girls who know nothing of the ways of society. The tact and graciousness which please the cultured and unlearned of society manners, never count for more than among those who have not studied the rules of etiquette.—From the Boston Journal, 1888

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Etiquette and Punctuality

Taking care of the morning marketing (1894)

A Great Unwritten Law–

Promptness at meals is a virtue of which absence has caused deep anguish of spirit to countless long suffering housewives. The tardiness at breakfast from indulgence in a last nap, or at luncheon from a too protracted shopping expedition, or at dinner from an over extended round of calls, may seem a trivial to the delinquent, but Harper's Bazaar reminds sinners in this respect that to the housekeeper it means injury to the food and disturbance of her own peace of mind. 

The habit of always being ready when a meal is announced should be especially binding upon a guest. For one who is receiving the hospitality of a home, to ignore it by disregarding its customs, is the extreme of ill breeding. 

Conformity to the rules of the house in this respect, and in the particular of not presenting one's self in the drawing room at an uncanny hour in the morning, should be observed by all visitors, while the duty of always being ready on time when invited to go for a drive or to go to some entertainment would seem too obvious to be mentioned were it not that one sees this unwritten law so constantly violated. –From Harper's Bazaar, May of 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Victorian Etiquette and Chivalry

The Modern Decadence, Its Causes and Significance

How Women Suffer and How They are Partly Responsible for the Change - Chivalry Impossible When They Become Rivals of Man - Concealing Emotion and the Accomplishment of “Wheedling”

If modern manners fall short of perfection, their defects can hardly be due to a want of instruction. A host of etiquette books provide for the exigencies of decorum with the grotesque minuteness, and over and above these official sources of information there is a growing tendency among private persons to constitute themselves irresponsible judges of what is popularly known as "form."  

However, the state of things suggests the uncomfortable reflection that an age which has produced such a multitude of counselors may have much to learn, and possibly general progress may have impaired our manners. The question is one which can hardly be answered offhand; for in manners as in religion, what is heterodox in one age maybe orthodox in its successor, and a true estimate of the manners in a given society requires a careful regard to the surrounding social conditions. The relations of the sexes supply us at once with the origin of manners and their chief field of exercise; and a glance at the past reveals some curious variations, from time to time fashionable, in the manners of men to women.  

Women are wont to pride themselves, and with some justice, on their higher powers of reading character and concealing emotion, which together with the peculiarly feminine accomplishment of wheedling, they insist on claiming as original sexual superiorities. However, philosophy declares, with the most brutal candor, that these qualities owe their origin to the animal instinct of self-preservation, working under conditions which happily differ widely from those which at present prevail.

A woman's desire to fascinate must have received a considerable stimulus from the sense that safety of life and limb from the fury of a morose barbarian depended on the success of her efforts at ingratiation; and it is safe to conclude her powers of interpreting the moods of her savage mate or repressing exhibitions a feeling likely to give him offense or marvelously quickened by the reflection that her lord and master might resent any error in the one direction or indiscretion in the other by dashing her brains out, and not in probably eating her afterward. "When Adam delved and Eve span, where was then the gentleman?" fairly expresses a feeling which is common among ignorant opponents of social distinctions. 

The traditional mother of mankind might have echoed this sentiment, but in a very different sense. It is conceivable that some of the amenities at a later civilization might have proved a welcome relief to the harshness of her ordinary life. We can imagine that Adam, after a days delving in the earth cursed for his sake, or a toilsome war of the extermination against thorns and thistles, may have required some little "managing" in the bosom of his family; and it is hard to suppose that the domestic harmony of this primitive circle can have been largely promoted by the presence of such a person as Cain. 

However, with the habits of these early times we have no further concern then to mark their contrast with those of the present day. We no longer habitually butcher our wives, nor dine off them, nor even subject them to that modica castigatio sanctioned by Roman law. On the contrary, the tables have been completely turned; woman has made good use of the weapons which her wants have fashioned; the arts which originated in self-defense are now employed for subjugation; from the cowering squaw of antiquity natural selection is involved in the lady of civilization "I fearfully efficient manner wheedling machine." 

“Mr. Trollope has recorded a protest against the men and the manners the can endure to discuss ladies openly by their Christian names; but the practice enjoys the strong growth of all ill weeds and thrives apace.” Anthony Trollope was one of the most respected writers of British, Victorian Era England. 

Theoretically, then, woman's claim to the courtesy and homage of a man is now admitted on all hands, but practical experience makes it difficult to resist the conclusion that the Silvius of the 19th century is not "all adoration, duty, and observance" in his attitude to the other sex. Without reviving in full detail the practices of the times when woman was "half wife, half chattel," we are careful to keep alive the relics of their actuating spirit. In a ballroom, for instance, we may be seen appropriating their fans to our exclusive enjoyment. 

We “give” them dances in our own lordly way, and if a mistake arises in respect of a dance so “given,” we sometimes express our convictions with an engaging frankness which savors less of the retort courteous then the lie direct. We leave their invitations answered or unanswered at our own sweet will (probably as a token of suzerainty.) and we repay our hostess's efforts to entertain us by the graceful tribute of looking bored.

Mr. Trollope has recorded a protest against the men and the manners the can endure to discuss ladies openly by their Christian names; but the practice enjoys the strong growth of all ill weeds and thrives apace. Feminine views on the subject of tobacco have of the late years been so far modified as to partially vitiate any comparison with the past; but it would be instructive to know how many yet adhere to the graceful custom of removing the cigar from the lips on meeting a lady. The easy grace of courtesy is too often replaced by a slangy familiarity not seldom tinged with a strain of indelicacy, and in all ways there is probably less inward respect and certainly less outward deference to women than an older ideal of manners demanded.

It is sometimes urged that, whatever be the defects of modern manners, they contrast most favorably with those which prevailed in the “good old times” so often eulogized and so seldom understood. But here, again, we must take into account the different social conditions of a century ago. Modern taste may sicken at a grossness of speech and action which even the presence of woman was not always effectual to restrain, but it must not be forgotten that these belong to an age when the culture of the average man was practically nil, and that of the average woman culminated in deportment and sampler work. Coarseness that would now be resented as an insult formerly passed as the merest badinage, and, without defending dueling, it may be doubted whether intentional slights, especially to women, were not rare in the days when the ethics of courtesy had their sanction in the sword. 

Women, no doubt, are the principal victims of this degeneracy of manners, but at the same time they are partly responsible for its existence. The same progressive influences which of acted so powerfully on men have had their effect on the opposite sex also. Woman has at last awakened from the torpor of ages, and is fain to be up and doing such share of the common work of humanity as falls to her hand. The gain to the community from this accession to its working power is immense; but the wholesome impulse which prompts it is mischievously perverted in the present tendency of women to identify their activities of mind and body with those of men. That there is much common ground where man and woman may profitably work hand-in-hand is daily becoming more manifest; but it is equally plain that there are distinct social functions peculiarly appropriate to the special energies of either sex, which at best can be only imperfectly discharged by the other.

So long, therefore, as the activities of womankind do not encroach on the domain of peculiarly masculine occupations, the work of the community is relatively well done, and the social equilibrium remains unshaken. But the moment this line is passed, not only does the sum total of work suffer, man being constrained to regard woman less as a coadjutor and more as a rival, there ensues a disturbance of social relations in which the delicate graces of life are apt to go to the wall. That chivalry or deference to woman should flourish in such an atmosphere is out of the question; for though these are not, as the noisy advocates of her so-called rights would have it, mere concessions accorded in good-natured contempt to her supposed inferiority, they are the outward and visible signs of an inward, and we may almost Sais be ritual, feeling of tender reverence for the beauty of her womanhood-a feeling which becomes meaningless and impossible if men and women are held to be in all respects alike. 

But though the responsibility for this social disorder must be shared by both sexes, its remedy lies almost wholly in the hand of woman. Where the instincts are faulty, direct appeals to the reason are not of much of avail. To exhort a man not to be a snob is as idle as to recommend a change of skin to the Ethiop. But beyond the power which belongs to a woman as queen of society of excluding her by simple veto contaminating influences from the circles over which she reigns, she also enjoys, in virtue of her womanliness, the rare gift of insensibly refining by her presence the coarseness with which she may be brought in contact.
                          

Austin Dobson was an English essayist and poet.

Mr. Austin Dobson has described one whose
“Purity doth hedge her
Round with such delicate divinity, that men
Strained to the soul with money-bag and ledger
Bend to the goddess manifest again.”

Beyond all doubt there are many such, and it is to them that we must look for the regenerating impulse which modern manners demand. The value of their womanly qualities to society should make us regard with jealousy all influences tending to their distraction. Their total disappearance would be a calamity with which we hope and believe we may never be visited; but, should time give the lie to our predictions and the evil days come upon us when, by the decay of these qualities, society shall have lost its best bulwark against an influx of corrupting elements, the world may gird upon its loins and prepare to enter upon a new phase of social development, for the age of chivalry will indeed have departed.– London Saturday Review, March 1882

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19th C. Etiquette for French Weddings, Baptisms

French women depicted in a parlour, c. 1860 ~A young man who solicits a lady in marriage, should be extremely devoted and respectful; he should appear a stranger to all the details of business which the two families discuss...

Etiquette of Marriage

These two subjects (of Marriage and Baptism) have peculiar right to the precepts of politeness; for the first is the closest of the social relations, and both furnish occasions for the most brilliant fêtes. We usually make a profound secret of the preliminaries of marriage, because, in case of its being broken off, we are afraid of malicious interpretations; but, after the first words are exchanged, it is necessary to make it known in confidence to a few intimate friends, and those to whom we are under obligations. Afterwards, we give intelligence of it by letter to our relations.


A young man who solicits a lady in marriage, should be extremely devoted and respectful; he should appear a stranger to all the details of business which the two families discuss; he converses with his intended particularly of their future arrangements, her tastes, the selection of a residence, furniture, bridal presents, &c. Avoiding all misplaced familiarity, he calls her Miss until returning from church, on the day of marriage; he accompanies her in all assemblies, and shows himself a devoted suitor.


When the banns of matrimony have been published, it is customary at Paris for a bouquet-maker to come to adorn the bride, presenting her with a bouquet. This attention requires a remuneration.


The marriage is declared in two ways. We invite three or four days beforehand persons of our acquaintance to assist in the nuptial benediction, and we specify precisely the time and place where the ceremony will be performed. As to the legal act, which is performed by civil authority, we invite only witnesses and near relations.


If a person is invited to assist at the repast or fête which follows the marriage, we make express mention of it at the bottom of the letters of invitation.


We simply communicate the fact of the marriage to those who have been invited neither to the nuptial ceremony, nor to the entertainment. Propriety requires that the person invited to the marriage ceremony should come, or send an excuse if it is impossible to be present. A simple letter of announcement to uninvited persons, requires only a visit or two; the first of which is made by card.


Presents are usually the preliminaries of a marriage: those which the gentleman makes his intended wife, are called wedding presents; they consist of different articles of the toilet, a set of diamonds, etc... Some persons content themselves with sending a purse containing a sum of money in gold, for the purchase of these things: the young lady then spends it as she thinks proper. The married gentleman is moreover to make a present to each of the brothers and sisters of his intended.

At Paris, the married lady must receive a gift from her sisters and cousins, and that in the provincial towns, on the contrary, she must offer them some token.

The young lady, on her part, gives some present to her bridemaid: she often presents her with a dress or some ornament, and she receives in her turn from the other, a girdle, gloves, and a bouquet of orange flowers. Since we have spoken of marriage presents, we will add that at Paris the married lady must receive a gift from her sisters and cousins, and that in the provincial towns, on the contrary, she must offer them some token.

We will now pass to the ceremony: after the celebration of the legal act, which may be some days previous, the married couple, followed by their parents, commonly go to the church in the carriages which conducted them to the office where the legal act was performed; for at Paris, whatever situation in life the parties may be in, they never go on foot. The married lady goes in one carriage with her relations and the bridemaid; the gentleman in another carriage with his father and mother, or his nearest relatives.


The acquaintances of the two married persons, repair to the church at the appointed hour; the friends of the gentleman place themselves on the right, those of the lady on the left hand, on seats prepared beforehand.


The marriage train then advances in the following order; the lady gives her hand to her father, or to one who represents him; then comes the gentleman with his mother, or the lady who represents her, and afterwards the members of the two families follow in couples.


When the couple and their relations approach the altar, each of the persons present bows to them in silence; the relations place themselves in the same order as the acquaintances, and before the latter, in the front row, which should be reserved for them. The couple to be married are placed in the middle. Although it is polite always to present the right hand to the lady whom we conduct, or to give her the right when we are next her, yet the bridegroom takes the right of the bride, because, in this act, which is at once religious and civil, man ought to preserve the prerogative which the law both human and divine have conferred upon him; besides, as the bridegroom is to place the nuptial ring on the finger of the bride, it is more convenient for him to be upon the right hand than the left.


When the clergyman puts the questions to them, each should consult their relations by a respectful sign of the head, before answering the decisive yes.


The veil is held over the head of the bride by two children whose parents we wish to compliment. The business of the bridemaid who has presided at the toilet of the bride, is to designate their places at the religious ceremony in church; and afterwards, at the ball, is to supply the place of the bride, who can take no active part; it is usually one of her sisters or a most intimate friend who is chosen for this purpose.


The groomsman, for there should be one or even more, looks well to the list of those invited to the ceremony, to see what persons are absent, because it is the custom of married persons not to make the marriage visit to any one who has been guilty of this impoliteness.


The married gentleman must give presents to the attendants at the church, the poor, etc... After the nuptial benediction, the married couple again salute the assembly, and then receive the compliments of each one. There are some families in a more humble situation, where the married lady is embraced by all at the marriage ceremony; in those in a higher station in life, she embraces only her father, her mother, and her new relations.


The new husband gives his hand to his wife when returning from the church; nevertheless at dinner he should be placed between his mother and his mother-in-law, while his wife is to be seated between her father and father-in-law.


In case there is a supper, the married couple sit next each other.


The married lady opens the ball with the most distinguished person in the assembly; she retires privately, accompanied by her mother, and one or more near relations whom they wish to compliment.


The newly married couple make marriage visits in the course of a fortnight, in a carriage, and in full dress. They should make these visits alone. They leave their cards for those with whom they do not wish to be intimate.


Such are the received usages in the capital. In the provinces, many of the old and common customs are preserved, as the gift of a laced shirt bosom to the husband by his wife; wedding favors or ribbands for the wife, ribbands of two colors with which they decorate the young persons in the marriage suite, etc...

Baptismal font in Toulouse, France ~ When one has consented to hold the infant at the baptismal font, he should perform this duty in a becoming manner, and according to his own condition and that of the parents of the child.

Etiquette Of Baptism

We must invite several months beforehand the godfather and godmother of the child that is to be baptized. If the ties of blood have given you a right to this onerous duty, you cannot dispense with it. If not, you can seek a specious excuse.


When one has consented to hold the infant at the baptismal font, he should perform this duty in a becoming manner, and according to his own condition and that of the parents of the child.


A present should be given to the mother, and this present usually consists of confectionary. We must also give one to the godmother, a pair of white gloves and comfits; if she is a young person, she commonly receives a bouquet of white flowers in addition. If the godfather wishes to show her any attention, he can add to the presents an elegant and valuable object, such as a fan; but in that case it is good ton for the godmother to send in return some rich and tasteful present. She also has the honor of giving to the child a cap, and often a baptismal robe. To her also belongs the duty of putting the first dress on the child.

Persons of a very high class in order to free their friends from these expenses, send their domestics to present their children at the baptismal font. This is a most unbecoming custom!

The attendant and the nurse have also a present.


The officers of the church, and the poor, should each receive a gratuity proportionate to their condition. We simply put a piece of money into the hands of the humbler persons; but we present the clergyman with a box of presents in which is enclosed a piece of gold or silver.


Persons of a very high class in order to free their friends from these expenses, send their domestics to present their children at the baptismal font. This is a most unbecoming custom; it seems to consider this holy consecration as a slavish ceremony, and destroys at its source the sentiment of respect and affection, that a godson or daughter should inspire in those who have adopted them before God.


At whatever hour the ceremony is appointed, we go to the church in a carriage at the expense of the godfather. He and the godmother pass in first; then comes the infant borne by its nurse or a matron; then the father, who accompanies the other invited persons.


It is the custom in many houses to give, after returning from the baptism, an elegant entertainment, of which the godfather and godmother receive all the honor. Above all, they should give their godchild new year’s gifts while it is a child, and manifest their affection during the whole of its life.

From the 6th Paris Edition of  “The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment, Dedicated to the Youth of Both Sexes.” by Mme. Elisabeth Celnart, 1833 

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