Gilded Age Domestic Titles

     

Well-bred persons simply say, the ‘nurse,’ the ‘cook,’ the ‘chamber-maid,’ etc... and what is still better, they designate their domestics by their Christian names.

Of Propriety of Conduct in Relation to Domestic Duties

It is only among the badly educated people of the small towns that they say, the ‘maid,’ the ‘boy,’ the ‘domestic,’ the ‘servant;’ and among the proud, ill-bred fashionables, who ape grandeur; the ‘lackey,’ the ‘valet,’ ‘my people;’ well-bred persons simply say, the ‘nurse,’ the ‘cook,’ the ‘chamber-maid,’ etc... and what is still better, they designate their domestics by their Christian names. — By Elisabeth Celnart, in The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment, 1883 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

19th C. Concert Etiquette

The proprieties in deportment which concerts require, are little different from those which are recognized in every other assembly or in public exhibitions…

Of Concerts

The proprieties in deportment which concerts require, are little different from those which are recognized in every other assembly or in public exhibitions; for concerts partake of the one and the other, according as they are public or private. In private concerts, the ladies occupy the front seats, and the gentlemen are generally in groups behind, or at the side of them. 

One should observe the most profound silence, and refrain from beating time, humming the airs, applauding, or making ridiculous gestures of admiration. Very often a dancing soirée succeeds a concert, and billets of invitation distributed two or three days beforehand should give notice of it to the persons invited.

When a lady is going to perform, it is good ton for a gentleman to stand behind the chair of the performer, and turn over the leaves attentively, if he knows how to read music.

We ought also, after an invitation to a concert, to return a visit of thanks. — Elisabeth Celnart, 1833

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Regency Era Soirées and Parties

 

By the time Elizabeth Celnart wrote her book on etiquette in the early 1830's, table manners and dining etiquette were beginning to resemble much of what is acceptable etiquette now. Men’s hat’s were to be removed in a lady’s presence and at the table. — “In the 17th and early 18th centuries, etiquette forbade a man to uncover his head at meal times, except when a toast was being given. This painting, ‘Cavaliers and Ladies at Table,’ is by the Dutch artist Dirk Hals.” Patricia Easterbrook Roberts

I will now give a few words of advice to guests; puerile it may be, but which it is well to listen to, and observe. It is ridiculous to make a display of your napkin; to attach it with pins upon your bosom, or to pass it through your buttonhole; to use a fork in eating soup; to ask for meat instead of beef; for poultry instead of saying chicken, or turkey; to turn up your cuffs while carving; to take bread, even when it is within your reach, instead of calling upon the servant; to cut with a knife your bread, which should be broken by your hand; and to pour your coffee into the saucer to cool.

Guests of the house of a distinguished personage are accompanied each by his own servant, who takes his place behind his chair. They should not address him during the entertainment, still less reprimand him. Before placing themselves at the table, they ought to direct him to serve the other guests also, and to retire as soon as the table is cleared, because the domestics of the house ought to eat by themselves.

During the first course, each one helps himself at his pleasure to whatever he drinks; but, in the second course, when the master of the house passes round choice wine, it would be uncivil to refuse it. We are not obliged, however, to accept a second glass.

When at the end of the second course, the cloth is removed, the guests may assist in turning off that part of it which is before them, and contribute to the arrangement of the dessert plates which happen to be near, but without attempting to alter the disposition of them. From the time that the dessert appears on the table, the duties of the master of the house diminish, as do also his rights.

If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or elderly person, politeness requires him to save them all trouble of pouring out for themselves to drink, of procuring anything to eat, and of obtaining whatever they are in want of at the table. He ought to be eager to offer them what he thinks to be most to their taste.

It would be impolite to monopolize a conversation which ought to be general. If the company is large, we should converse with our neighbors, raising the voice only enough to make ourselves understood.

Custom allows ladies at the end of an entertainment to dip their fingers into a glass of water, and to wipe them with their napkin; it allows them also to rinse the mouth, using their plate for this purpose; but, in my opinion, custom sanctions it in vain.

It is for the mistress of the house to give the signal to leave the table; all the guests then rise, and, offering their arms to the ladies, wait upon them to the drawing-room, where coffee and liqueurs are prepared. We do not take coffee at the table, except at unceremonious dinners. In leaving the table, the master of the house ought to go last. Politeness requires us to remain at least an hour in the drawing-room after dinner; and, if we can dispose of an entire evening, it would be well to devote it to the person who has entertained us.

We should not leave the table before the end of the entertainment, unless from urgent necessity. If it is a married lady, she requests some one to accompany her; if a young lady, she goes with her mother.

The question whether it is proper, or not, to sing at table, depends now upon the ton of the master of the house. We do not sing at the houses of people of fashion and the high classes of society; but we may do it at the social tables of citizens. In this case, we may repeat what has been said and proved a thousand times how ridiculous it is to be urged when we know how to sing, or to insist upon hearing a person sing who has an invincible timidity.

After dinner, we converse, have music, or more frequently, prepare the tables for games. In the course of the soirée, the mistress of the house sends round upon a waiter eau sucrée or refreshing syrups. During the week which follows the entertainment, each guest owes a visit to the person who has invited them. We usually converse at this time, of the dinner, of the pleasure we have enjoyed, and of the persons whom we met there. This visit has received the cant name of the visite de digestion. — Elisabeth Celnart, 1833

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

19th C. French Baptismal Etiquette

Baptismal font in Toulouse, France ~ When one has consented to hold the infant at the baptismal font, he should perform this duty in a becoming manner, and according to his own condition and that of the parents of the child.

Etiquette Of Baptism

We must invite several months beforehand the godfather and godmother of the child that is to be baptized. If the ties of blood have given you a right to this onerous duty, you cannot dispense with it. If not, you can seek a specious excuse.

When one has consented to hold the infant at the baptismal font, he should perform this duty in a becoming manner, and according to his own condition and that of the parents of the child.

A present should be given to the mother, and this present usually consists of confectionary. We must also give one to the godmother, a pair of white gloves and comfits; if she is a young person, she commonly receives a bouquet of white flowers in addition. If the godfather wishes to show her any attention, he can add to the presents an elegant and valuable object, such as a fan; but in that case it is good ton for the godmother to send in return some rich and tasteful present. She also has the honor of giving to the child a cap, and often a baptismal robe. To her also belongs the duty of putting the first dress on the child.

Persons of a very high class in order to free their friends from these expenses, send their domestics to present their children at the baptismal font. This is a most unbecoming custom!

The attendant and the nurse have also a present.

The officers of the church, and the poor, should each receive a gratuity proportionate to their condition. We simply put a piece of money into the hands of the humbler persons; but we present the clergyman with a box of presents in which is enclosed a piece of gold or silver.

Persons of a very high class in order to free their friends from these expenses, send their domestics to present their children at the baptismal font. This is a most unbecoming custom; it seems to consider this holy consecration as a slavish ceremony, and destroys at its source the sentiment of respect and affection, that a godson or daughter should inspire in those who have adopted them before God.

At whatever hour the ceremony is appointed, we go to the church in a carriage at the expense of the godfather. He and the godmother pass in first; then comes the infant borne by its nurse or a matron; then the father, who accompanies the other invited persons.

It is the custom in many houses to give, after returning from the baptism, an elegant entertainment, of which the godfather and godmother receive all the honor. Above all, they should give their godchild new year’s gifts while it is a child, and manifest their affection during the whole of its life.

From the 6th Paris Edition of  “The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment, Dedicated to the Youth of Both Sexes.” by Mme. Elisabeth Celnart, 1833 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Finger Bowl Etiquette and Fashion

The dining era, host's and hostess's purses and country one is dining in, have always determined the requisites of the dinner setting etiquette, menus, accoutrements and table manners needed. While finger bowls, and finger bowl usage, have fallen in and out of fashion over decades and centuries, clean fingers at the dining table have always been fashionable.

 On Regency Era Finger Bowls and Rinsing At Table:

“Custom allows ladies at the end of an entertainment to dip their fingers into a glass of water, and to wipe them with their napkin; it allows them also to rinse the mouth, using their plate for this purpose; but, in my opinion, custom sanctions it in vain.” – Elisabeth Celnart, 1833

On Gilded Age Desserts of Fruit, Napkins and Finger-Bowls: 

Small fringed napkins of different colors were used with a dessert of fruits. “Fancy doylies (sic) of fine linen embroidered with silk"were sometimes brought in with the finger-bowls; but they were not for utility. The dinner napkin was employed by the diner, while the embroidered ‘fancy’ added a dainty bit of effect to the table decoration.” – Samuel R. Wells, 1887

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

19th C. Etiquette for French Weddings, Baptisms

French women depicted in a parlour, c. 1860 ~A young man who solicits a lady in marriage, should be extremely devoted and respectful; he should appear a stranger to all the details of business which the two families discuss...

Etiquette of Marriage

These two subjects (of Marriage and Baptism) have peculiar right to the precepts of politeness; for the first is the closest of the social relations, and both furnish occasions for the most brilliant fêtes. We usually make a profound secret of the preliminaries of marriage, because, in case of its being broken off, we are afraid of malicious interpretations; but, after the first words are exchanged, it is necessary to make it known in confidence to a few intimate friends, and those to whom we are under obligations. Afterwards, we give intelligence of it by letter to our relations.


A young man who solicits a lady in marriage, should be extremely devoted and respectful; he should appear a stranger to all the details of business which the two families discuss; he converses with his intended particularly of their future arrangements, her tastes, the selection of a residence, furniture, bridal presents, &c. Avoiding all misplaced familiarity, he calls her Miss until returning from church, on the day of marriage; he accompanies her in all assemblies, and shows himself a devoted suitor.


When the banns of matrimony have been published, it is customary at Paris for a bouquet-maker to come to adorn the bride, presenting her with a bouquet. This attention requires a remuneration.


The marriage is declared in two ways. We invite three or four days beforehand persons of our acquaintance to assist in the nuptial benediction, and we specify precisely the time and place where the ceremony will be performed. As to the legal act, which is performed by civil authority, we invite only witnesses and near relations.


If a person is invited to assist at the repast or fête which follows the marriage, we make express mention of it at the bottom of the letters of invitation.


We simply communicate the fact of the marriage to those who have been invited neither to the nuptial ceremony, nor to the entertainment. Propriety requires that the person invited to the marriage ceremony should come, or send an excuse if it is impossible to be present. A simple letter of announcement to uninvited persons, requires only a visit or two; the first of which is made by card.


Presents are usually the preliminaries of a marriage: those which the gentleman makes his intended wife, are called wedding presents; they consist of different articles of the toilet, a set of diamonds, etc... Some persons content themselves with sending a purse containing a sum of money in gold, for the purchase of these things: the young lady then spends it as she thinks proper. The married gentleman is moreover to make a present to each of the brothers and sisters of his intended.

At Paris, the married lady must receive a gift from her sisters and cousins, and that in the provincial towns, on the contrary, she must offer them some token.

The young lady, on her part, gives some present to her bridemaid: she often presents her with a dress or some ornament, and she receives in her turn from the other, a girdle, gloves, and a bouquet of orange flowers. Since we have spoken of marriage presents, we will add that at Paris the married lady must receive a gift from her sisters and cousins, and that in the provincial towns, on the contrary, she must offer them some token.

We will now pass to the ceremony: after the celebration of the legal act, which may be some days previous, the married couple, followed by their parents, commonly go to the church in the carriages which conducted them to the office where the legal act was performed; for at Paris, whatever situation in life the parties may be in, they never go on foot. The married lady goes in one carriage with her relations and the bridemaid; the gentleman in another carriage with his father and mother, or his nearest relatives.


The acquaintances of the two married persons, repair to the church at the appointed hour; the friends of the gentleman place themselves on the right, those of the lady on the left hand, on seats prepared beforehand.


The marriage train then advances in the following order; the lady gives her hand to her father, or to one who represents him; then comes the gentleman with his mother, or the lady who represents her, and afterwards the members of the two families follow in couples.


When the couple and their relations approach the altar, each of the persons present bows to them in silence; the relations place themselves in the same order as the acquaintances, and before the latter, in the front row, which should be reserved for them. The couple to be married are placed in the middle. Although it is polite always to present the right hand to the lady whom we conduct, or to give her the right when we are next her, yet the bridegroom takes the right of the bride, because, in this act, which is at once religious and civil, man ought to preserve the prerogative which the law both human and divine have conferred upon him; besides, as the bridegroom is to place the nuptial ring on the finger of the bride, it is more convenient for him to be upon the right hand than the left.


When the clergyman puts the questions to them, each should consult their relations by a respectful sign of the head, before answering the decisive yes.


The veil is held over the head of the bride by two children whose parents we wish to compliment. The business of the bridemaid who has presided at the toilet of the bride, is to designate their places at the religious ceremony in church; and afterwards, at the ball, is to supply the place of the bride, who can take no active part; it is usually one of her sisters or a most intimate friend who is chosen for this purpose.


The groomsman, for there should be one or even more, looks well to the list of those invited to the ceremony, to see what persons are absent, because it is the custom of married persons not to make the marriage visit to any one who has been guilty of this impoliteness.


The married gentleman must give presents to the attendants at the church, the poor, etc... After the nuptial benediction, the married couple again salute the assembly, and then receive the compliments of each one. There are some families in a more humble situation, where the married lady is embraced by all at the marriage ceremony; in those in a higher station in life, she embraces only her father, her mother, and her new relations.


The new husband gives his hand to his wife when returning from the church; nevertheless at dinner he should be placed between his mother and his mother-in-law, while his wife is to be seated between her father and father-in-law.


In case there is a supper, the married couple sit next each other.


The married lady opens the ball with the most distinguished person in the assembly; she retires privately, accompanied by her mother, and one or more near relations whom they wish to compliment.


The newly married couple make marriage visits in the course of a fortnight, in a carriage, and in full dress. They should make these visits alone. They leave their cards for those with whom they do not wish to be intimate.


Such are the received usages in the capital. In the provinces, many of the old and common customs are preserved, as the gift of a laced shirt bosom to the husband by his wife; wedding favors or ribbands for the wife, ribbands of two colors with which they decorate the young persons in the marriage suite, etc...

Baptismal font in Toulouse, France ~ When one has consented to hold the infant at the baptismal font, he should perform this duty in a becoming manner, and according to his own condition and that of the parents of the child.

Etiquette Of Baptism

We must invite several months beforehand the godfather and godmother of the child that is to be baptized. If the ties of blood have given you a right to this onerous duty, you cannot dispense with it. If not, you can seek a specious excuse.


When one has consented to hold the infant at the baptismal font, he should perform this duty in a becoming manner, and according to his own condition and that of the parents of the child.


A present should be given to the mother, and this present usually consists of confectionary. We must also give one to the godmother, a pair of white gloves and comfits; if she is a young person, she commonly receives a bouquet of white flowers in addition. If the godfather wishes to show her any attention, he can add to the presents an elegant and valuable object, such as a fan; but in that case it is good ton for the godmother to send in return some rich and tasteful present. She also has the honor of giving to the child a cap, and often a baptismal robe. To her also belongs the duty of putting the first dress on the child.

Persons of a very high class in order to free their friends from these expenses, send their domestics to present their children at the baptismal font. This is a most unbecoming custom!

The attendant and the nurse have also a present.


The officers of the church, and the poor, should each receive a gratuity proportionate to their condition. We simply put a piece of money into the hands of the humbler persons; but we present the clergyman with a box of presents in which is enclosed a piece of gold or silver.


Persons of a very high class in order to free their friends from these expenses, send their domestics to present their children at the baptismal font. This is a most unbecoming custom; it seems to consider this holy consecration as a slavish ceremony, and destroys at its source the sentiment of respect and affection, that a godson or daughter should inspire in those who have adopted them before God.


At whatever hour the ceremony is appointed, we go to the church in a carriage at the expense of the godfather. He and the godmother pass in first; then comes the infant borne by its nurse or a matron; then the father, who accompanies the other invited persons.


It is the custom in many houses to give, after returning from the baptism, an elegant entertainment, of which the godfather and godmother receive all the honor. Above all, they should give their godchild new year’s gifts while it is a child, and manifest their affection during the whole of its life.

From the 6th Paris Edition of  “The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment, Dedicated to the Youth of Both Sexes.” by Mme. Elisabeth Celnart, 1833 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

19th C. Etiquette for the Sick

Of Duties Toward the Sick, Infirm, and Unfortunate

Victorian Era and Edwardian Era, Medicine Spoons and Invalid Spoons

The Unfortunate

Propriety, the guide of all our relations, cannot remain a stranger to the unfortunate; that which takes possession of all our sentiments, cannot forget to pity. It is in this light that it is peculiarly touching, that it is almost religious, since it even contributes to bind closer this first, this powerful tie of humanity.

Silver Georgian Era medicine spoon (circa 1755), shown front and back, with a green case, inscribed ‘Gift of the Dutchess of Queensberry to Lady Carbery’; an ‘S’ engraved on the stem for ‘Stafford’, Lady Carbery’s maiden name. The modest silver spoon makes for an intriguing part of the Symons Collection at the Royal College of Physicians in England

                 
The Sick and the Infirm

When any one of your acquaintance is ill, you should regularly send a domestic, to inquire after their health, every day, or every other day, according to the virulence and nature of the disease. If there is immediate danger, we should send to inquire even twice a day. From time to time, you should send to know whether the sick person can see any one, because in that case you must go and testify in person, all your interest. You should continue to obtain information about their health until their recovery or death.

Our visits to the sick should be very short, silent, and reserved. We should address to them words of interest in a low voice, and speak softly to the member of the family who takes charge of them. We ask him who is his physician, what is the treatment; we urge every motive of consolation and hope; we ought hardly to reply to the questions the person in attendance asks, with regard to our own health, or business, and we retire reiterating the proofs of our interest. 
                          

A patented improvement made for medicine spoons, 1873

If the person is convalescent or only indisposed, you address a thousand questions concerning their complaints; you sympathize with them, praise their patience, and describe to them the pleasant image of returning health. You must be on your guard not to say that you find their features much changed, that their recovery may be slow, etc...

To speak these truths is very malapropos, and with reason; you would pass for having an unfeeling heart, or rather, a limited understanding. When sufferings and troubles assume a virulent aspect, and resist all the efforts of medical skill, they are infirmities indeed, and a silence the most absolute and rigorous with respect to them, should be observed.

Not only ought you never to speak to an infirm person of his misfortune, but you should also carefully avoid mentioning any person who is afflicted in the same way, and of thus alluding indirectly to his own case. The only occasion when this is allowed, is where you can make it appear to him that the comforts of which he is deprived are not so permanent but that you have experienced similar inconveniences from the same cause.                        

Victorian era photo of a baby given medicine ~ Young, old or in-between, feeding and giving medicines to the infirm, has always been difficult.

Thus to a lame person, you might say that you yourself are fatigued with walking, that your own legs are not firm, etc... If the infirmity is not too visible, and the poor subject speaks to you of it, assure him earnestly that you should not have observed it. If he complains to you, offer him motives of consolation, and take care that you change the subject of conversation before he does, for you might make him think that you are importuning him about his malady. 

Finally, do all in your power to comfort him. If he is afflicted with imperfect sight, place objects near him, but without affectation, and without having the air of making him think that he requires your assistance, neither permit him to thank you. If he is troubled with deafness, you must not speak unreasonably loud; bring back the attention of the unfortunate person to the subject of your conversation by skilful and delicate transitions, and not abruptly say to him, We were speaking of such a thing. This is much trouble, perhaps you will say. Trouble to console people! Why, you take more to please them!

The etiquette and manners for dealing with the infirm or injured, has not changed much over the centuries.

Persons who are reduced in circumstances, keep up in their misfortune (at least in society) their habits of opulence; and to manage with such persons requires not a little skill. If they invite you to their frugal repasts, if they offer you any presents, let not the fear of occasioning them expense, induce you to refuse with warmth, and with obstinacy; you would wound them deeply. Accept them, and seek an opportunity of repaying with interest, these proofs of their politeness. 

Do not speak to them first of their sad situation; but if they introduce the subject themselves, receive their confidence with a respectful and affectionate attention. Show how much you are affected with that which grieves them, and without forgetting discretion, endeavor, in appearance at least, to render them confidence for confidence.

From “The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment, Dedicated to the Youth of Both Sexes.” by Elisabeth Celnart, translated from the Sixth, Paris Edition, 1833 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institure of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia