Gilded Age America Visited England

Gilded Age socialite, J.J.VanAlen was married to Emily Astor, daughter of William Backhouse Astor Jr, and Caroline Astor. Her parents were not happy about Emily’s choice so they eloped. Emily died 5 years into the marriage, after giving birth to 4 children. — Public domain image of J.J. Van Alen.

AMERICAN GUESTS OF TITLED FOLK

Every season the colony of Americans in London is liberaly increased by a goodly crowd of wealthy free-born citizens, who go over to enjoy the gayeties of Mayfair and visit their titled relatives and friends. This spring the exodus from New York is larger than ever, and there is hardly a Marchioness or Duchess, Countess, or even a Princess, who wild not entertain Americans this year. Of course, the two Duchesses of Marlborough, her grace of Manchester, the Countesses of Craven and Essex and almost a score more are Americans themselves by birth, but for all that there are many Americans who, on the strength of their own charms and good looks, are on the visiting lists of titled folk, to whom they are not related by blood or nationality.

Miss Louise and Miss Nancie Morgan, for example, who have been presented at court, are very much in demand at the country places of Scotch nobility, and are much admired and entertained by the Marchioness of Lorne. Miss Louise was asked to serve as a maid of honor at the vice regal court held at Holyrood. Mrs. Frederic Tams visits Lily, Duchess of Marlborough, and Mrs. Benedict, when she is in England, is one invariably of the Duke of Newcastle's house parties. Between Easter and the opening of the Newport season J. J. Van Alen is one of the ever increasing body of wealthy Americans who open houses in London and entertain and are entertained. by wearers of strawberry leaf coronets.

Since the marriage of his daughter, William K. Vanderbilt has the Prince of Wales frequently and Mr. Vanderbilt is one of the few Americans whom the prince heartily likes and who has received hospitalities at Sandringham. The Clintons of New York have been heartily welcomed by the Duke of Norfolk. The Countess of Castle-Jane has done more than any other woman from the United States to introduce pretty American girls into the aristocratic circles of Parisian society and under her chaperonage, Miss Addie Montgomery made a second debut and sensation this spring in Paris, while Mrs. Cecil Baring, who was until last autumn the beautiful Miss Churchill of New York, has been stopping with her husband in the palace of the Prince of Monaco, an ardent admirer of the wit as well as the good looks of Uncle Sam's daughters. — Los Angeles Herald, 1899

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Romance Advice

“A foreign husband is an expensive luxury, you know, for an American lady.” Ella Wheeler Wilcox 
– Public domain image of Agony Aunt, Ella Wheeler Wilcox 

American Men Good Enough for Her

I have never seen a foreign man who, in my most romantic or susceptible days, could have done more than amuse me. I cannot imagine loving any man but an American. A foreigner does very well to pick up a lady’s fan or kill time for her, like a pet parrot, by repeating his little stereotyped compliments, but the thorough, true, sensible American girl gives her heart to an American lover. Those who give them to foreigners usually live to regret it. A foreign husband is an expensive luxury, you know, for an American lady.—Mrs. Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1892

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age “New York Girls”

She is rarely a liar, a cheat or a fraud. She has the honesty of her thought and the courage of her convictions. If that makes a girl unwomanly, then she is unwomanly. Fashionable girls in New York are always with their mothers; they have had a conventional European education in this respect.

The New York Girl Portrayed by One Who Dislikes European Fault Finding

Our Girl Learns to Look Out a Little for Herself– She Trusts to the Chivalry of American Gentlemen– We Are Proud of Her

So the English think that the New York girl has more solvency in her fortune than in her complexion, do they? We beg to differ. The New York girl's complexion is as fine as any milkmaid's. She is piquant, pretty, original and new. That is why the Englishmen like her, and wish to marry her. She amuses, stimulates and fills their somewhat jaded fancy.

New York girls are well educated. They speak both English and French fluently, which is what very few English girls do. They have been brought up under the repressive system, the English girls. They are lovely, but sometimes a little depressing. They are hidden from the eye. The New York girl perhaps lacks the “violet by a mossy stone” charm. She has not the cloistered graces of that home education of the English. She has been admired frankly since she was 10 years old.

SHE HAS A WOMANLY COURAGE

She is rarely a liar, a cheat or a fraud. She has the honesty of her thought and the courage of her convictions. If that makes a girl unwomanly, then she is unwomanly. Fashionable girls in New York are always with their mothers; they have had a conventional European education in this respect. The mother is the chaperon, and the girl is stamped with “l'usage du monde et du plus grand, et du meilleurs.” She is well bred in the forms and ceremonies of a court of London and Parisian society, where she succeeds marvelously. Sometimes she offends a Roman mamma by walking across the Piazza di Spagna alone. She cannot always respect the severe Italian “etiquette” and take her maid.

She is a knowing person; she believes in herself, she is independent and breezy. She has been much consulted in her family, where she is the important personage. Latitude in reading and thinking has been allowed her, which to an English or French girl would have been impossible.

She can stand more amusement (some would call it dissipation) than any living creature. A prize fighter would go down under the fatigue which a New York girl imposes on herself– all the subscription balls at Delmonico’s, all the private balls, Tuxedo, Newport, lawn tennis, Lenox in the fall, private theatricals, French and singing classes, sewing societies, charities (for she is a dear creature, and as kind as she is beautiful). She haunts the happy hunting grounds of Long Island; she is seen on top of a four-in-hand.

THE GIRLS SHOULD TAKE HEED

She is described in all the newspapers when she comes out. Her fortune, her toilet and her prospects are all matters of every day comment. She has the American idea of being useful; she works as well as plays. She neglects nothing. An early morning walk, or a horseback ride, a plain gown for her hospital work, the toilet of the Queen of Sheba for Delmonico's– she at tends to it all; and when she marries she is apt to make the best of wives, if she chooses. If she does not choose to be the best, she can be the worst.

Neglects nothing, did you say! Yes, so far as foreign ideas are concerned, she sometimes neglects appearances. She sometimes
goes about with too young a chaperon. Accustomed to the chivalry of American men, she does not know how other men are regarding her. Novelists sketch the exceptions, not the rule, as to the New York girl; but it would do the best of them no harm to read the foreign criticisms in novels, plays and newspapers. 

Some New York girls are not averse to achieving a reputation for fastness. These few exceptions should not, however, be taken for the conglomerate photograph. They are not the rule. She is not a humble, expectant Juliet, the New York girl. She will marry a lord, if she likes. Some people call her heartless. She needs luxury; she lives in an age of gold. A clever creature, a precious and beautiful combination, of fine mind and splendid physical perfection, she can be criticised as a rose, which opens its glorious petals for all men to admire; but it is hard to equal her.–Mrs. John Sherwood in “Once a Week,” 1889

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Mistaking the Titled for the Untitled

Titles were very important to those in society in the Gilded Age. Bloomsbury.com gives this description of the reproduction of the Gilded Age book, “Titled Americans: The Real Heiresses’ Guide to Marrying and Aristocrat”: “A fascinating Introduction to the ‘Dollar Princess’ trade by noted historian Eric Homberger explains the phenomenon of American brides exchanging enormous dowries for the right to be the Lady of a great English manor. … What would entice a young American bride to leave their families, homes and everything familiar to travel thousands of miles away to a land and culture with a myriad of rigid and absolutely foreign social rules, traditions and customs? The bachelors who are chronicled in Titled Americans drew the attention of many aspiring American bridal prospects who thumbed through the pages of this Who's Who of British aristocracy, letting their hearts fill with the fantasy of being the Lady of a great estate as they mulled over the directory's full details of every bachelor's income, property value and net worth!”

Poor Aunt Matilda

She Made a Grievous Mistake and Lost an Opportunity of a Lifetime

“At last I am quits with old Aunt-in-law Matilda, who, as I told you, has never yet forgiven Harry for marrying a Yankee girl,” writes a transplanted compatriot, who remains a staunch American, despite her English surroundings. “It happened in this wise: Harry, who is always so good natured and is adored by his sisters and his cousins and his aunts, asked the old woman to dinner one night last week. 

“She arrived early, as usual, and presented herself at my bedroom door, asking permission to come in and put on her cap, which she always carries in a little package whenever she goes out. I hate being bothered when I am dressing, but of course I assumed a friendly air, and we entered into conversation as if we were really good friends, instead of cordially detesting each other. ‘Harry said we should be quite alone tonight,’ remarked my relative, ‘so I wore my second best lappets.’ ‘They are very nice, I am sure,’ I said carelessly in reply, but we are not quite alone after all. A cousin of mine, who arrived in London today, is coming, and Lord A. proposed himself this afternoon.’

“‘Oh, really!’ exclaimed Aunt Matilda, who like most English women of the upper middle class, is a veritable tuft hunter. The young Earl of — İ shall be delighted to meet his lordship. I know his mother, the countess, quite well,’ and she arranged herself before the glass in quite a twitter of anticipation. When she was ready, we went down and found Harry and our two guests in the drawing room. Cousin Jack did look a perfect dear, so blond and so irreproach able altogether from the top of his well groomed, shining head to the tips of his patent leather shoes, and I could have hugged him for being such a creditable specimen of a well bred American. Lord A. beside him looked very small, very sal low and altogether insignificant.

“Aunt Matilda did not hesitate an instant as to which was the Lordling as they both made their bows simultaneously on being presented to her. She gave the most gracious smile and handshake to Jack and such a snubby little nod to Lord A. Oh, it was too delicious! At dinner the conversation was very general, about the last new play, the Royal Academy, the weather, etc. So poor, deluded Aunt Matilda did not find out her mistake and flattered Jack until he did not know which way to look, while she ignored and snubbed poor Lord A. at every turn.

“After dinner the old cat took me to task for not having gone in to dinner with the Earl. ‘Such a breach of etiquette, dear Kitty,’ she said. ‘You really should be more careful.’ And then she added, jauntily, ‘You know at Rome you should do as the Romans do, and over here we think a great deal of that sort of thing.’

“Then came my revenge, and, oh, how delighted I was! I smiled my sweetest and said languidly: ‘I fancied you had mistaken my cousin Jack for Lord A. What a pity! You would have liked asking about his mother, should you not?’ Oh, if you could have seen her face! And the cup of her anguish quite overflowed when Harry came into the drawing room with Jack, saying: ‘A. had to go to fetch his sister from a dinner party. He did not know how late it was, so he asked me to make his apologies and to say good night.’ “I am sure Aunt M. will count that evening among the lost opportunities of her life.”-New York Tribune, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Entertaining Royalty

A visit from the King and Queen was fraught with expenses, and one could not turn down the request for a visit. The cost of entertaining during a royal visit in the Edwardian era could run up thousands in extra expenses, like the extra food and drink. When the Duke and Duchess of Manchester were honored by Edward's presence in 1904, newspapers estimated that the cost of the visit was $150,000.00 American dollars. That is nearly $5,000,000. In today’s dollars. And 16 new frocks would be needed as, “One could not wear the same ensemble twice, and what reasonable woman would not want completely new outfits for such a momentous occasion? Sixteen new ensembles (four dresses for each of four days) from, say, Worth would substantially increase the cost of a royal visit.”

When the Manchesters were honored by Edward's presence in 1904, newspapers estimated that the cost of the visit was $150,000, paid of course by the Duchess's papa, Mr. Zimmerman, who had bought Kylemore for Duchess Helena.

Part of the cost was dressing the part. The King, for a week's stay, would be bringing forty suits or uniforms and at least twenty pairs of shoes and boots, and costumes were expected to be splendid in his presence. Consuelo Marlborough remembers at least four changes of clothes: an elegant silk costume for breakfast in the dining room, a tweed suit for lunch with the “guns” (the men who were shooting), a tea gown, and the most formal brocade or velvet evening dress with the grandest jewels possible (always includ ing a tiara) for dinner.

One could not wear the same ensemble twice, and what reasonable woman would not want completely new outfits for such a momentous occasion? Sixteen new ensembles (four dresses for each of four days) from, say, Worth would substantially increase the cost of a royal visit. — From “To Marry an English Lord,” Gail MacColl and McD. Wallace, 2012

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Upstairs and Downstairs

Responsible for all the actual lifting and carrying in the front of the house: calling cards on silver salvers, a tray of tea, newspapers for the gentlemen.

One of the shocks for the new American bride was having to deal with English servants. She must always be aware of the hierarchy — and of its principal members.

THE BUTLER
In charge of the front of the house. Too elevated for menial tasks (decant ing wine was the most physical he got), the butler oversaw the men servants and the silver.

THE HOUSEKEEPER
In charge of the bedrooms and the servants’ quarters. Matters of cleaning and household maintenance (linens, in ventories) and the house maids’ morals were the housekeeper’s bailiwick, a huge ring of keys her badge of office.

THE CHEF
In pretentious houses, always French and paid outrageously. He was often locked in a vendetta with the housekeeper.

FOOTMEN
Responsible for all the actual lifting and carrying in the front of the house: calling cards on silver salvers, a tray of tea, newspapers for the gentlemen. Footmen also waited at table, accompanied Milady on errands to carry her packages, and stood around wearing livery and looking decorative on formal occasions. The best ones were easy to look at.

MILADY’S MAID
Entrusted with washing and arranging Milady's hair, mending and refur bishing and cleaning her clothes, and helping her in and out of them. She also took care of the jewels and accompanied Milady on visits.

THE HOUSEMAIDS
Numberless faceless creatures who did all the cleaning and dusting in the front of the house (at the crack of dawn before the gentry were awake) and in the bedrooms (when their occupants were down at meals).

THE VALET
Responsible for keeping Milady’s husband neat. Besides laying out and caring for his clothes, the valet made travel arrangements, loaded his guns at shoots and boasted about him in the servants’ quarters. — From “To Marry an English Lord,” by Gail MacColl and Carole McD. Wallace

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Pinching Pennies in the Gilded Age

One famous gilded age belle was engaged, or rumored to be engaged, several times. At one point, May Van Alen was said to soon be engaged to the Duke of Manchester and the newspapers ate the story up, complete with all the necessary “family gossip” and pedigrees. When May eventually did marry, (one former suitor was dead from suicide, another had married her sister) she didn’t show up for the nuptials, leaving the wedding guests confused, while she and her groom, having gotten married in secret 4 days earlier, left for a motor tour of England.

The greatest falling off and expenditures this season has undeniably been in turnouts. Delivery men may be said to be raving and tearing their hair at the unwanted parsimony of the world of fashion. Many people who jobbed a landau or a barouche, for which they paid $300 per month, finding their own liveries, now actually go without the fashionable after-dinner drive, or are satisfied to hire a rumble seat phaeton for their daughters. This is the low carriage which ladies delight to drive, and one of the sensations at Newport is the sight of some famous belle, driving with a sister or cousin to play propriety beside her, and her beau behind in the rumble. 

It is most difficult to persevere that air of conquering grace which a beau who has a fine pair of mustaches one inevitably assumes when one is a cramped in a tiny seat, intended for a boyish page, fastened to the carriage by tiny iron springs, and bounding high into the air, whenever the carriage gives the least tip. But this is the style nowadays, and as it inculcates considerable self-sacrifice in young men who are apt to be selfish, and gives rest to those buttony boys who are considered the correct attendants for such an equipage, it is a good thing. 

I regret to learn that even here the fell spirit of economy intervenes, and that too many parents, instead of hiring these concerns by the month, take them only occasionally for the afternoon drive. Young ladies therefore can make themselves conspicuous and their beaus ridiculous, at the low rate of $4 an afternoon, which, it must be allowed, is cheap indeed. —New York Times, August 1875

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Rude American Chits Annoy Miss Brits

“The Lady Mauds and Lady Beatrices are sore at finding themselves outshone in the highest circles by American chits, who before coming abroad, were just ordinary misses in small provincial towns in the United States.”

‘Chit’ — A a dismissive and derogatory term for a an immature girl, lacking in respect. — Not satisfied with advising the young single women of England, Henry Du Pré Labouchère (British politician, publisher, writer and even theatre owner, in the Victorian and Edwardian eras) is now mainly remembered for the Labouchère Amendment, which for the first time in the United Kingdom, criminalised all male homosexual activity. 

- Photo Source Public Domain Wikipedia 

Our Girls Abroad

An Apology for the English Maiden’s Total Eclipse

Ladies Abroad Finding Themselves Outshone by the Girls of America— A Hint to English Mauds and Beatrices—Emancipation from Cant

The Lady Mauds and Lady Beatrices are sore at finding themselves outshone in the highest circles by American chits, who before coming abroad, were just ordinary misses in small provincial towns in the United States. It is a hard case to be thrust into the shade by these fair invaders. But soreness about it will only spoil good looks. Why not rather learn the art of war from the invading belles, who were not reared in hothouses, but in public free schools? In a great degree, they have conquered because they are in the habit of thinking themselves as good as no matter whom, and of not being shamfaced in the presence of mortals of uppermost rank. I don't think it occurs to the Mauds and Beatrices that very few uppermost personages, in no matter what country, have, or can have, much conversation. Having had allowances from their cradles upward there is no strenuous effort in their lives. And so that intensity of thought, feeling and will which makes a man a man, and sublimates a woman, is wanting in them. 

Etiquette throws on them the onus of startling subjects of conversation. Having to talk de haut en bas, but there is no quick interchange of ideas. As it was 300 years ago, so now. Their lives being flat, they must fall back on buffoonery—a reason why Schneider’s dressing room at Les Varietes was “Le Passage des Princes.” License of speech is sure to be granted to any one whose talk tickles or is droll. There are few rosebuds in etiquette ridden courts who can so converse. But the United States free schools produce them in thousands. Originality in America is not confined to the unornamental sex. The conditions of life are so different there from what they are in England, and there is such emancipation from cant in most of the forms in which it tyrannizes us, that the beauty from Ohio, Illinois or Delaware is startingly novel, and whatever piquancy there is in her talk, comes home with a double force. 

Beauties from America 

There are such heaps of Miss Jennie Chamberlains in the United States, that hardly any one notices their points. Americans are astounded at the effect they produce on English noblemen when they come out at the Riviera or in London. As to the etiquette invented by Lords Chamberlain, those flowers from over the Atlantic are in happy ignorance. So they start topics in colloquies with royal personages instead of waiting for them to be started, and when they find they please, they go ahead. “Sir,” or “madam,” or “your royal highness,” used as commas, are in the conversation of ordinary persons. Then the young and fair Americans neglect no advantage which is derived from attention to personal appearance. They know how to dress, and they grudge no money that they can give to the best dentists. Being in the habit of dancing from infancy, their gestures are easy and not angular, always talk distinctly, and, if sometimes with a slight twang, in an audible voice. 

Our girls often mumble or run on in a chirruping jabber that really is not speech. They, too, often deal in set phrases which get soon exhausted. I think when a British girl is nice, she’s the nicest of any; and many more than there are could be charming, if they could only learn how to speak, and to move about in an easy, graceful way. The American girl has neat features, a delicate skin and a fine nervous system. But in the rest of the organization, nature has been wanting in generosity. The western woman or girl is a finer human being than the eastern. In the southern states, womanhood is nearest to perfection. Women there are reposeful—not precisely amusing, but intelligent, sweet and interesting. — Henry Du Pré Labouchere in London Truth, 1888

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Traditional Etiquette Gifts Duchess

A portrait of probably the most famous Duke and Duchess of Marlborough, with their children and their Blenheim spaniels. – Consuelo Spencer-Churchill, Duchess of Marlborough, was a member of the prominent American Vanderbilt family. Her marriage to Charles Spencer-Churchill, 9th Duke of Marlborough became an international symbol of the socially advantageous, but loveless, “Dollar Princess” marriages, which were so common during the Gilded Age.

A Spaniel for the Duchess

It is a traditionary etiquette custom in the Marlborough family, for each Duke to present a Blenheim Spaniel to the Duchess when she enters Blenheim Palace for the first time as its mistress. The story from which this custom has its origin, is that during the battle of Blenheim a spaniel followed at the heels of the great Duke throughout the day, never leaving him until victory was assured. – Los Angeles Herald, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Parties and the Royal Tab

A depiction of the beautiful chapel at Blenheim Palace where the young Duchess worships.– “At all house parties honored by the Prince, he has the privilege, by one of those unwritten laws in the code of etiquette, to name the guests, and usually this list has included several titled Ladies whose names have been linked altogether too closely with that of the Prince for his wife's liking. This is one of the principle reasons why the Princess has declined to visit the country homes of the Nobility. It would be most embarrassing for her to meet any of these Ladies, and humiliating to be forced to treat them with ordinary civility.”

Blenheim’s Grand Fete

 Vanderbilt’s Dollars Will Foot the Bills 

A Gala Lasting Five Days to Cater to Royalty's Pleasure and Gratify Pride –The Girl Duchess, Consuelo, Had the Rare Distinction of Entertaining the Princess

LONDON, Nov. 27.—Consuelo, the American Duchess of Marlborough, made her real and grand entree to British society on November 23d. It was a great day for the Marlboroughs, a greater day for the historic old Blenheim, and the greatest day of all for the House of Vanderbilt. A home party was given at Blenheim from the 23d to the 27th of the month, which eclipsed anything of the kind that the people of England have seen in many a long day. For five days, from Monday to Friday, inclusive, the great structure sheltered more of unreal powers of the British swelldom than are often gathered under one roof. 

The leading guests were the Prince and Princess of Wales, and right here it should be stated that it is a premier honor for the Princess to grace a house party. Within the past half dozen years she has not been a member of more than three or four house parties, and these were given by her oldest and most intimate friends. Ordinarily, the intimates of the Prince are not honored with the friendship of the Princess. They are too gay and frivolous for the sober dignity of the lady and moreover, some of the husband's choicest friends have reputations which deny them admittance to that division of society which prides itself upon genuine respectability. 

At all house parties honored by the Prince, he has the privilege, by one of those unwritten laws in the code of etiquette, to name the guests, and usually this list has included several titled Ladies whose names have been linked altogether too closely with that of the Prince for his wife's liking. This is one of the principle reasons why the Princess has declined to visit the country homes of the Nobility. It would be most embarrassing for her to meet any of these Ladies, and humiliating to be forced to treat them with ordinary civility. 

An Irreproachable List

But there was no danger of anything like this happening at Blenheim. The list of guests was absolutely irreproachable. It included the very cream of the peerage, the principal guests being the Duke and Duchess of Abereorn, the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire, the Duke and Duchess of Buccleuch, the Dowager Duchess of Marlborough, Lord and Lady Lansdowne, Lord and Lady Londonderry, Lady Blandford and her daughters, Lord and Lady Pembroke, Lord Durham, Lord and Lady Wimborne, Lord and Lady Georgiana Curzon and Sir George and Lady Julia Wombwell. These are all the intimate friends of the Princess, and it is shrewdly suspected that she made out the list of guests this time, instead of her husband. There was a big crowd of country notables at Blenheim on the evening of Thursday, the 26th, when the annual county ball would be given. But these folks are not of the caliber which causes the domestic worries of the Princess, and this important event passed off as it had been planned.

“Entertaining the Prince of Wales and a select company of Dukes and Duchesses is not a responsibility to be lightly assumed. The Prince is practically the master of the house during his stay. That is British etiquette. The family chef consults with the Secretary of His Royal Highness each day and reserves orders for the menu for the day. The cost never bothers the Prince, he is notoriously careless about heaping up bills which he must pay himself, and when it comes to accumulating bills for other people to pay, his carelessness is quite remarkable. Not only does he control the chef and the caretaker of the wine cellar, but he maps out the amusements for each day.” 

Interesting for Americans 

Americans should be deeply interested in this fete at Blenheim, for the single reason that American dollars will foot the bills. And these bills will amount to a pretty penny. Entertaining the Prince of Wales and a select company of Dukes and Duchesses is not a responsibility to be lightly assumed. The Prince is practically the master of the house during his stay. That is British etiquette. The family chef consults with the Secretary of His Royal Highness each day and reserves orders for the menu for the day. The cost never bothers the Prince, he is notoriously careless about heaping up bills which he must pay himself, and when it comes to accumulating bills for other people to pay, his carelessness is quite remarkable. Not only does he control the chef and the caretaker of the wine cellar, but he maps out the amusements for each day. 

Lord Lonsdale has spent $200,000 in a single week in entertaining the Prince, and it is fair to assume that the expenses at Blenheim during the great fete will not fall much below that stupendous figure. Even for a Vanderbilt, this is an enormous amount to get rid of in a single week. It is understood, however, that  Mr. William K. Vanderbilt, father of the young Duchess, has determined that nothing shall be lacking in a financial way to make his daughter's social success absolute. As is well known, the young Duke has next to nothing in the way of available money. All of his wealth is entailed and the property sadly run down by the extravagant encroachments made upon it during the careless lifetime of his father.

A Beautiful Chapel

Already a good half million dollars have been spent by the young Duchess in furbishing up the great house and in covering up the spots made barren by the late Duke, when a money-raising fit seized him. Particular attention has been paid by the Duchess to the private chapel in Blenheim, one of the most beautiful interiors of its kind in the country. In the days of the former Duke, this chapel was more of a mockery than anything else, but the Duchess Consuelo is religiously inclined, and the Sunday services are held there regularly. It would be well worth a journey to Blenheim to see the chapel alone. Its most conspicuous feature is the tomb of the first Duke and Duchess, the builders of Blenheim. It faces the pews occupied by the Ducal party, and is a gigantic mass of beautifully sculptured marble. The pulpit stands just to the left of the entrance doors and a dozen pews for other worshipers.

It is beginning to be regarded as somewhat strange that Mrs. Belmont, mother of the Duchess, and Mr. Belmont, have not yet been guests at Blenheim, and some people hint that the young Duke is not anxious for the friendship of his mother-in-law's second husband. If it turns out to be true that the Belmonts have purchased a country place in England, the young Duke will be forced to declare his position in regard to the Belmonts one way or the other. At any rate, the position of the young Duchess will be firmly established in British society by the house party, and the croakers who predict a complete failure for her at the time of her marriage, will be proven false prophets. – Los Angeles Herald, 1896 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Etiquette and American Nobility

 It had been her good fortune to be born in America, where the routine of court etiquette is unknown. 

On a certain occasion, some years since, half a dozen titled ladies were in the anteroom of the German Empress by appointment. Her Majesty was engaged for a time and the audience was delayed beyond the limits of ordinary patience. 

At last one of the restless group remarked in French to her neighbor their prolonged wait was growing irksome, all the more so to her personally because it had been her good fortune to be born in America, where the routine of court etiquette is unknown. 

To her surprise, the lady addressed replied that she also had been born in this country. In a few minutes others joined in the conversation, and it was discovered that the whole company, without exception, though members of that privileged class known in Europe as the nobility, were native Americans. It was a unique incident. — N. Y. Herald, 1887

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and an American Monarch

Another unsolicited opinion from"Rita," the Brit who doesn't care for American women marrying into Britain's titled families... "Can America be induced to have a reigning monarch I should like to see King Theodore on the throne!" – Rita, 1910

“The happiest marriages I was fortunate enough to discover in America were the marriages of a professional man; the happiest homes of their wives and families. Possibly the brutalizing force of money-making was less an element of existence in these instances.

“Commerce and speculation get into the business man's blood and vitiato his tastes and habits. The perpetual excitement of ‘deals,’ the perpetual chink of gold, are always more vital interest than his wife's companionship, or his children's dawning intelligence. To the professional man such things are welcome relief.  To the mere "wealth accumulator" they are of secondary importance. Hence the very small amount of family life seen in the United States is in any way to the professional man such things are welcome relief.

“I could not discover if there was a "middle class" in America. I believe not.  Every one is enormously rich, or insignificantly poor. If they are not rich, they try to pretend they are by taking expensive houses or apartments, and keeping automobiles, and attending every possible millionaire function that gives out ‘names of the guests’ to the reporters.”

Was “Rita’s” disdain of American women marrying into Britain's titled families, due to envy? A broken-off love affair of her own? An over zealous feeling of British patriotism? We'll never know. But we do know that jealousy and envy are not conducive to maintaining a civil and polite relationship with others.  “Excessive gaiety, extravagant joy, great depression, anger, love, jealousy, avarice, and generally all the passions, are too often dangerous shoals to propriety of deportment. Moderation in everything is so essential, that it is even a violation of propriety itself to affect too much the observance of it. It is to propriety, its justice and attractions, that we owe all the charm, I might almost say, the being able to live in society. At once the effect and cause of civilization, it avails itself of the grand spring of the human mind, self-love, in order to purify and ennoble it; to substitute for pride and all those egotistical or offensive feelings which it generates, benevolence, with all the amiable and generous sentiments, which it inspires. In an assembly of truly polite people, all evil seems to be unknown; what is just, estimable, and good, or what we call fit or suitable, is felt on all sides; and actions, manners and language alike indicate it. Now if we place in this select assembly, a person who is a stranger to the advantages of a polite education, he will at once be made sensible of the value of it, and will immediately desire to display the same urbanity by which he has himself been pleased.” –From Elisabeth Celnart's, “The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment, Dedicated to the Youth of Both Sexes”

 

The word “Equality” has more than one interpretation.

“I have spoken about the conspicuous absence of a maternal instinct as a feature of American marriages. The American woman does not desire a large family or indeed any family at all. When she has a child she proceeds to bring it up on the most free and enlightened principles. It's nourishment is a series of experiments in patent foods; it's clothing a compromise between French, German, Russian, and English ‘styles.’

“When it is three or four years old it is called a ‘kid’ and goes everywhere with its parents, and becomes a general nuisance to everybody in hotels, or on steamer, car, or train. It is never rebuked or kept in its place like an English child, because that would be acting against true American principles. 

“It has nerves; it looks pasty and unhealthy; it is allowed to eat any sort of food at any time of day or night and it would never grow up a healthy or intelligent human being if it were not for school life and college training. They do some good in that respect, and the American youth and the American-maiden are the result. 

“Whether the training explains that no one –even an American citizen– was ever born ‘free,’ or could possibly be the equal in brains, character, or social position, of every other American citizen I cannot say.  But it does turn out men and women of whom their country may be proud. 

“One need not go further than Col. Roosevelt as an example. He speedily discarded the false for the real; feeble things for the strong things. No one has read his countries limitations more accurately, its possibilities more proudly, than this much beloved and much-abused ex-President. Can America be induced to have a reigning monarch I should like to see King Theodore on the throne!

“What Napoleon was to France, what Wilhem II is to Germany, what Edward the Peacemaker was to Great Britain, so might Roosevelt be to the United States could they but see into their own future and throw aside their greed, brutality, and narrow-mindedness in one effort, to achieve greatness.” –“Rita,” for the New York Times, 1910

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Editor and Site Moderator for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Gilded Age Daughters

The deck chair is a fearful incentive to sentimentality. What with it and the promenade for health's sake, and the dances and concerts and other amusements got up to enliven the voyage, it is nothing short of miraculous that any young man gets to land without being labeled “appropriated by Miss Columbia till further notice.”

Domestic unity in wedlock is not a necessity of the American marriage. But the majority are very happy and very satisfactory. The husband has his occupations, friends, and amusements; the wife hers. They often move in entirely different “sets” and meet at a table or an entertainment with pleasant sense of surprise. But it is understood that the husband must not intrude into a “higher” social circle then that of his own choosing, even if his wife be a shining light therein.

These matters are beautifully managed in the States. No wonder that an English husband finds it difficult to act up to the etiquette of such a position!

There is a word of which American people are very fond. It is “attractive.” It is an English word, but they do not use it in English fashion. It is a synonym for the seaside girl, and the engaged girl. They're always “attractive” when they fall short of being “just lovely.” It lets them down gracefully to a safe vantage point of exploitation.

The “attractive” girl is perpetually being engaged or breaking off engagements. If she is afraid of scandal she goes off to Europe and tries her “prentice hand” on the liner en route. The deck chair is a fearful incentive to sentimentality. What with it and the promenade for health's sake, and the dances and concerts and other amusements got up to enliven the voyage, it is nothing short of miraculous that any young man gets to land without being labeled “appropriated by Miss Columbia till further notice.”
                                                                      

May Van Alen was most certainly  an “Attractive Girl” 

At one point, May Van Alen was said to soon be engaged to the Duke of Manchester and the newspapers ate the story up, complete with all the necessary “family gossip” and pedigrees.

May Van Alen Weds in London

 

May Van Alen was a daughter of the Gilded Age.  She continually dumped suitors and fiances, one of who committed suicide over her breaking their engagement. She was also the granddaughter of the Astors and the eldest daughter of James J. Van Alen of New York and Newport Rhode Island. In fact, the New York Times described her this way; “Miss Van Alen, as already stated, is the eldest daughter of James Van Alen. She is a very odd, original girl, extremely clever, and with a reputation for slight eccentricity.” It goes on to say how the lives of all three Van Alen “children has not been of the happiest, not withstanding their money and their lineage.”

The article went on to remind readers of the Van Alen's mother's death shortly after giving birth to her youngest child, Sarah, and how James Van Alen took his brood overseas for an education. In the same article, it states about May Van Alen, "She is not pretty, but is chic and dresses in a very conspicuous and Parisian manner. She has an excited manner in talk and a fondness for saying startling things." Not a very flattering portrait of a young society girl in America's Gilded Age.

May Van Alen finally did choose a husband. She married Griswold Thompson in a private ceremony in St. George’s, Hanover Square in London, on September 24, 1913. The ceremony was conducted with the greatest level of secrecy and included a modest ten persons as guests. Never mind the fact that the wedding was actually scheduled for that coming Sunday. 

Odd? Yes. But May Van Alen left many people in her wake, even invited guests it seems. The strict etiquette of the day (and even the much lamented relaxed etiquette of today), would more than frown on inviting  guests to a wedding, then marrying in secrecy just days before the date one's guests have planned to attend. 

Was the newspaper article their invited guests' only notice? Or were they sent cards, or notes, of explanation?  –From the blog “Etiquette with Maura Graber,” November 2012

But it is quite right for an American girl to flirt, or even engage herself as often as she pleases. It only proves her attractiveness. Her father and mother have let her do exactly as she wished in childhood, and she carries on the habit when she is “out.” It is no wonder therefore that marriage has to be considered a pastime, not an obligation.

I expect to be told that my views are wildly exaggerated and that I “must not judge of American marriages by what I've heard, read, or seen in America.” But my readers must please remember that I am looking at them through English binoculars. Possibly I do not focus them a right. Possibly we do not look at things in the same way even as we do not speak the same language, or follow the same rules of life.

But of this I am sure— as long as the wedding is nearly an exposition of vanity and extravagance—as long as it is made an excuse for getting headlines in the papers, and treated as a mere theatrical spectacle, so long will it be a travesty of the name and it's sacred and social obligations!

Do not suppose I consider America as the sole offender in this respect. We are getting just as bad on our side. We, too, send the unimportant photograph, the list of wedding presents, the names (especially titles) of the wedding guests to any paper that will publish them. As yet our press is a little more decorous, but they are following close on the heels of their transatlantic brotherhood. America first showed us the value of advertising. It remains for us to prove it in the interests of the marriage– as well as the commercial– market." –“Rita” for the New York Times, 1910

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Title Hunting Etiquette

"These matters are beautifully managed in the States. No wonder that an English husband finds it difficult to act up to the etiquette of such a position!"– From "Rita," in New York Times, 1910 

“Transatlantic matches became so much the rage among the newly rich that a whole industry sprang up to serve their needs, including professional matchmakers and magazines. Typically, the American heiress would start by consulting the quarterly publication The Titled American: a list of American ladies who have married foreigners of rank. This contained a register of all the eligible titled bachelors still on the market, with a handy description of their age, accomplishments and prospects – for example:

‘The Marquess of Winchester is the fifteenth Marquess and Premier Marquess in the Peerage of Great Britain. He is also the Hereditary Bearer of the Cap of Maintenance. The entailed estates amount to 4,700 acres, yielding an income of $22,000. He is 32 years of age, and a captain of the Coldstream Guards. Family seat: Amport House, Hampshire.’ From ‘The Titled American’ No 2, March 1890

This 19th-century version of match.com was in great demand in the Fifth Avenue and Newport mansions where these American heiresses lived. Many came from families whose wealth was very recent, and who were desperate to stand out in a famously snobbish New York society where mere money was no guarantee of acceptance. The upper echelon, known famously as The Four Hundred, was based on the number of people who could fit comfortably into Mrs Astor’s ballroom – Mrs Astor being the most powerful woman in New York society on account of both her breeding and her fabulous wealth.” –Daisy Goodwin, Cash for Titles: The Billion-Dollar Ladies, for Daily Mail Online 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and a British View of Dollar Princesses

“Rita” was actually British
authoress, Mrs. Desmond Humphreys – Dollar Princesses, unlike their British peers, had loads of confidence, were not as restrained by rules of etiquette, and were considered very outspoken. They made an indelible impact on British society that continues to this day. Princess Diana's great-grandmother, Frances Work (later the Honorable Mrs. Frances Burke-Roche), was the daughter of another Wall Street millionaire, and was a Dollar Princess whose great, great grandson is now heir to the British throne.

It may seem as if I was prejudiced, but indeed I am not. If the real truth were spoken of most of these international alliances they would be proved not only unsatisfactory but immoral. Wholly and entirely immoral as concerned with the true obligations and the true meaning of marriage. But the truth never is spoken of such matters. It hurts too much; or humiliates to cruelly.

I had been told so much of the perfections of the American husband that I naturally studied him as a valuable addition to my snapshots of American character. Except that he made money for his wife to spend, and gave her too little of his time for quarreling, and let her do exactly as she pleased, there was nothing to discover. His public attitude was what his National pride in himself demanded. His private life and his views of marital obligations were just those of the ordinary selfish polygamist creature who has existed since the foundations of the world.   

Luncheons and teas in New York, at the Plaza, the Waldorf, Delmonico’s, or in private houses or clubs, did not interest me very much except as a surprise at the absence of men. No American — I ask pardon — New York man attends any “function” until the evening. He is too busy making money, commercially or professionally; but the women take so much pains to entertain each other and their guests that one scarcely notices the omission. Also, they have the good sense to dress as carefully and expensively for their own sex as the women of Europe deem necessary for the other. Still, I must confess to some natural surprise at the absence of men. Not that I consider the American man an ornamental addition to room or restaurant.

The American husband is neither better nor worse than any other husband, but it is considered unwise for his wife to say so. She praises him in notes of exclamation, and effects of pity for her English sister who has "freedom," and less money to spend on her own pretty, selfish, vain person.

The story was going through the length and breadth of the States as to a bogus title purchased by the usual American dollars for the new usual American daughter. I felt so sorry for the sordid story, the shame and misery that it entailed that I could not even say, “Well, you deserve what you get!” But I did ask, “Will this be a lesson to the American father, and the American daughter?” No one believed it would.

Which brings me back to my starting point. If marriage is not looked upon as a sacred obligation, it must of necessity sink to sordid barter. And when an “alliance” between two absolutely indifferent, yet commercially minded people is published, advertised, and gloried in, there is no one on earth to be more commiserated than those two people. And in their heart of hearts they know it, or will know it, ere the echo of their wedding bells has ceased to haunt their ears.

I was perpetually worried by interviewers as to my idea on divorce. American divorce, of course. I refused to give any opinion, so it was given for me in that airy independent fashion of your American interviewer. However, I read up on “statistics” on the subject, and made all sorts of judicious inquiries, and I learned that reports as to the number of divorces being a third of the number of marriages, were much exaggerated.

True that marriage is not looked upon as a binding contract; it has a pleasing illusion of instability, but that does not necessitate divorce. It only simplifies marriage. The “lamb” is led to the “slaughter” with a chastened hope of green meadows and sweet pasturage beyond the slaughter house. She grows less fearful of the ordeal, and looks forward to the escape. Just a leap into blindness, darkness, momentary confusion and then – Freedom.

To the American girl, Freedom is the breath of life. She expects it as her right and she only accepts a marriage as one of its prerogatives. Thus it is that no self-respecting American husband denies his wife her coterie of boys; her faithful admirers; The donors of candy and flowers, and corsage bouquets; the escort to theater and restaurant; the glad wild hooliganism of Coney or Manhattan Beach, or Long Island, or the romantic shelter of the Adirondacks. With all this liberty there is absolutely no need for any radical “change of partners,” unless indeed the lawful husband desires it or obliges it by some untoward scandal.

With a little discretion an American marriage might be the happiest and most tolerant of American contracts. Far less exacting than the professional or business one. It is certainly less important. –“Rita” for the New York Times, 1910

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Etiquette and Dollar Princesses

English society resented the way the Prince of Wales, Queen Victoria’s oldest son, was so keen on the interlopers. But he defended his choice saying, “American girls are livelier, better educated, and less hampered by etiquette. They are not so squeamish as their English sisters and they are better able to take care of themselves.” The Prince, or Bertie as he was known, almost certainly had an affair with Jennie Churchill and was friendly with a number of the dollar princesses. 

Bertie once said to Winston Churchill, “If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t be here” – the implication being that without Bertie’s patronage, a British aristocrat such as Lord Randolph Churchill would not have married a mere American like Jennie Jerome. As Jennie says in her memoirs in 1910, “Thirty years ago, in England as well as on the Continent, the American woman was looked upon as a strange abnormal creature with habits and manners something between a Red Indian and a Gaiety Girl.”

– Daisy Goodwin for Daily Mail Online's “Cash for Titles: The Billion Dollar Ladies”

Transatlantic Marriages Begin with a Show and Usually End up with a "Show—Up" 
– More from "Rita" on America's Dollar Princesses

Example after example we have had, and still will have. The American Duchess, or Princess, or Countess, or Baroness soon learns to loathe her empty honors. She is been spoiled, petted, adored in her own land by her compeers. But when it comes to holding her own against blue-blooded rank, against European exclusiveness, against the heredity assurance of the well-born and a haughty aristocrats of Court circles, she feel she is as out of place as a ballet dancer in a monastery.

This does not mean that the American Duchess or Countess is not very charming, very chic, very popular, but it doesn't mean that she is only a sham Duchess, a copy of a Countess, and that the genuine article always makes the imitation look–well, let us say– an imitation. No one is to blame except the nationality that marks division. When the Daughter of Independence takes a fancy to a title, or desires to exchange democracy for Royal prerogatives, her adoring parents never seek to deny her wishes. On the contrary, they beat them with such glittering tempt that the foolish Princeling or needy Peer rushes into clinch the bargain with all possible speed.          

Winston Churchill, Lady Jenny Jerome, and Randolph Churchill – "American girls are livelier, better educated, and less hampered by etiquette." – Queen Victoria's son, the Prince of Wales, aka "Bertie"

It's a purchase– money is paid; the press has a good time in cataloguing presents and making ludicrous mistakes over the arrogance of titles. The beautiful bride (no American bride was ever anything else) is carried off into exclusive banishment, there to find out the worth of her bargain, or reconcile herself to its obligations.

But the free and enlightened spirit usually kicks at restraint, mocks at feudal customs, and lives by “comparisons,” the aristocratic union soon falls short of promised bliss. Sometimes for sake of pride, for fear of mockery, the disappointed wife puts up with dissolution and consoles herself with frequent visits to her own beloved land and the home of her dyspeptic but heavily-dollared “poppa.”
                                                                   

From 1933 – Debrett's Peerage and Baronetage, Knightage, and Companionage comprises information concerning the royal family, the peerage and baronetage. First published in 1769 and revised every 5 years. It is a comprehensive guide to the titled nobility of the United Kingdom.

Sometimes the English husband or the foreign “blackguard” agreed to go their way and leave the American wife to go hers–irrespective of confusion in Debrett’s, or the Almanac de Gotha. Sometimes a real desire for genuine happiness and the real things of true marriage give one or other the courage to break conventional fetters. But very, very rarely doesn't happen that the transatlantic marriage is a suitable or happy one.

When I visited American homes and noted the paramount importance of the wife I was not surprised that the American girl does not bear transplanting. We may be “cousins”; we may even regard ourselves as belonging to the same race, but apart from far-off claims of blood or birthright, the American, and the English are absolutely foreign to each other. They live a different life, they hold a different creed, (of honesty,) they speak a different language (metaphorically,) they are domestically and physiologically apart in all matters appertaining to domestic life. Each in his own country is admirable and admirably suited to what that country demands, but let them change places and they are a failure all the time. – By “Rita” in the New York Times, 1910

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia