Perfecting One’s Social Etiquette

Never complain, never explain... If ever there was a Dame Grundy in period dramas, it was Violet, the Dowager Countess of Downton Abbey. 

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 “When you are the person invited, do not gush over your acceptances or your regrets, but make your replies brief, and simple with complete avoidance of explanations as to why you can not—explanations of any sort now being considered extremely bad form.” 

— Meme source, Pinterest 

For School Girls of Dame Grundy

Perfecting one’s self in the rules of etiquette is a continuous occupation of a most interesting kind, for though the fundamental principles never change, there is a constant change in minor matters due to the fads and fancies of Madam Grundy. And not to keep abreast of the caprices of that autocratic lady, is to be behind the times, indeed.

Madam Grundy this season frowns upon the exhibition of excessivity in any form, and so it is not the fashion now to gush, though it wasn’t too long ago that gushing people were thought most attractive. But the proper tone of today is to have a manner which is cordial and sincere, but distinctly quiet, and this requires considerable drilling to attain.

When you invite your friends to do anything, show the sincerity of your desire to have them accept by a manner which is warm but not urgent. If they accept quietly show your pleasure, but if they decline or if they show an uncertainty, do not be insistent or try to tease them into doing what may be quite impossible. And, on the other hand, when you are the person invited, do not gush over your acceptances or your regrets, but make your replies brief, and simple with complete avoidance of explanations as to why you can not—explanations of any sort now being considered extremely bad form.

So much embarrassment would be eliminated if girls would strive unceasingly to acquire the tone of moderation now in vogue, for everyone has experienced the awkwardness of being gushingly urged to say, “yes” when one has said, “no,” and being expected to give reasons for declining when often the reasons were quite too personal to give. 

At the table, it is a marked evidence of good breeding not to urge food upon a guest. It is an unwritten law of hospitality that what is yours is your guest’s, and this pertains to all matters, but it transcends good taste when you are over solicitous about the things they do or do not eat. It is of course your duty as hostess to see that things are properly served to your guests, but having offered, make no comment on what they do. Some persons are small eaters, others are large, some like everything, and others like only a few things, but all are sensitive to remarks and object to having attention called to their idiosyncrasies.

If you are on intimate terms with your hostess and the occasion is an informal one, since it is quite proper for you to make comments of a personal character, such as praising the good things she has to eat, or the decorations for a party, or expressing your appreciation of the good time she has given you. But do not employ all the expletives in your vocabulary in doing so, for such, excessive effusion is artificial and condemned, as all artificiality is on the score of insincerty and bad taste.

On occasions of a formal character, it is not good form to make personal remarks of any sort in regard to the matters pertaining to your entertainment. Though there may be some particular dish at the table which is a favorite of yours, you should not comment on the fact, nor should you ask to have it passed to you a second time. At a dinner or at a luncheon the idea is that you are in the hands of your hostess, and your cue is to follow her lead, on no account asserting yourself or taking the initiative in any way. 

When things are arranged in courses, there is no question of a second serving, but when the meal is less formal it is customary to have everything passed twice except the soup, and it is quite proper for you to take things a second time they are offered, if you desire to do so. When you are hostess, never stop eating until every one of your guests has finished, for etiquette requires you to save your guest the embarrassment of making herself conspicuous by being the last. And when you arc the guest, do not thoughtlessly dally with your food in a dilatory fashion, for this is not only bad form, but selfish, as you cause not only your hostess, but the others to wait for you.— San Francisco Call, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber , is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Baffling Etiquette Starts 1919 Fad

The new fad has come as a bright light of hope to the thousands of people whose formal dinner parties have too often been ruined by the use of the wrong fork or spoon. It is welcomed by the mere man who presides at less formal affairs and is afraid to meet his wife’s eyes for fear that he is serving potatoes with a tomato spoon or asparagus with a pie fork. Indeed—many problems have been solved by the fad. 

New System For Dinners? A Boon for Guests? Come Out Even at the Finish with this New Fad!
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You Can’t Use the Wrong Fork — New Fad Decrees Hostess Shall Bring Forth Proper Implement with Each Course

Here’s help at last for the poor dinner guest who always comes up at the end of the courses with one fork too many or a spoon too few. Here’s relief from those who cross-examine in the art of eating in attempts to sell “Which Fork and When” in 12 volumes with easy illustrations. It is one of society’s latest fads. Dame Grundy has decreed: That henceforth dinner tables shall be set with linen and china —but with no silver; that there shall be no puzzle for the guests—there shall be no silver to choose from. That each individual piece of silver will be brought to the diners with the dish to which it belongs. 

The movement is not just for the relief of the helpless guest, but it is the latest thing in society. The smartest dinners of late were served without a sign of silver on the table when the guests were seated. Already where Dame Grundy reigns supreme, it is considered without style to set dinner tables with silver. The new fad has come as a bright light of hope to the thousands of people whose formal dinner parties have too often been ruined by the use of the wrong fork or spoon. It is welcomed by the mere man who presides at less formal affairs and is afraid to meet his wife’s eyes for fear that he is serving potatoes with a tomato spoon or asparagus with a pie fork. Indeed—many problems have been solved by the fad. 

Dame Grundy has remembered the dinner guest who, many a time, has complimented herself upon her artful eating and then finds at the end of the courses that she has overlooked a puzzler of a funny looking spoon. There is consideration also for those fair diners who habitually pause for the hostess to single out and lead-off with the right fork, and of course, must sip much un-wanted water. No longer will the diner have to solve the what, why, where, when and how of the foreign-looking thing which is half-fork and half jelly spoon. No longer will the guest have cause to slip a valuable piece of silver into an inner pocket and carry it away just because he picked it up, discovered his mistake, and could not get rid of it any other way. 

The timid diner can now draw a deep breath of relief, for henceforth when peas are served they will be accompanied by the “one and only” designed for the consumption of peas. It is predicted in society circles that dinner parties will become more popular under the new silverless regime. At any rate the fad has come and guests are no longer startled on entering the dining room and finding nothing but fingers to eat with.—Fresno Herald, 1919

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of the "Well Bred"

Though the original, priggish "Dame Grundy" may, or may not, have been a fictional character, one can find her in real life and in period dramas. Titanic's Ruth DeWitt Bukater was so overly pretentious and conscious of everyone's manners around her, she wasn't aware she was breaking a cardinal rule of glove etiquette. Molly Brown may have been viewed as ill-bred and vulgar, but she certainly wasn't having her tea with her gloves on! ~ Countess of Rothes: "Look, here comes that vulgar Brown woman." Ruth DeWitt Bukater : "Quickly, get up before she sits with us!"

Little, things so often indicate good breeding, and the manners of those with whom one associates, that a person can not be too careful in observIng the rules of etiquette. For instance, to say "What?" as an interrogation, when not understanding a remark or question, is considered rude and bad form. It is too brusque, according to the theories of Dame Grundy.   

Curiosity, amusement or disdain? Upon observing the "well-bred," the emotions can sometimes be hard to distinguish.

Either "I beg your pardon" or "well," as an interrogation, is correct, and children, particularly, should be trained on these points. To go in front of a person without saying "Excuse me," denotes carelessness in minor points of breeding; also leaving the room without going through the form of asking permission is a solecism, "Excuse me a moment," if the person is soon returning, is correct, or should the absence be for an indefinite time, "Excuse me" is enough to say. 

To seal an envelope the whole length of the gum on the flap is another trifling matter for which a person is judged unfavorably. Unless the envelope contains an enclosure that might slip through an opening, only the very tip of the flap should be fastened. And, while on the subject of stationery, no two things are more indicative of ill breeding than to put a stamp on the left side of an envelope or, indeed, any place but squarely in the upper right-hand corner; and for a woman to sign her name with a prefix of Mrs. or Miss. to a note or letter, if she wishes to indicate her formal name she should put the prefix in parenthesis beside her name in full, or, in the case of a married woman, she signs her own name with her formal name in brackets beneath, as "Mary Jane Smith." and below, ("Mrs. John James Smith"). This is a form that should never be forgotten. 

 Pride and Prejudice's Elizabeth Bennet found that "nothing was beneath this great lady's (Lady Catherine DeBourgh) attention, which could furnish her with an occasion of dictating to others." The Lady Catherine De Bourgh is another priggish, Dame Grundy, tsk-tsking at every perceived lack of "good breeding."

Leaving a spoon in a tea or coffee cup is not uncommon but it is ill bred, and to butter a whole slice of bread at once and eat from it is another social mistake. The slice must be broken into small pieces and each buttered as it is eaten. Loud talking in public places is vulgar, as it is to push and shoulder in a crowd. If every person would remember his or her manners at such times crowds would cease to be objects for dread. —From The Los Angeles Herald, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia