Etiquette for Caviar

Antique flatware for caviar: a rare, individual, sterling caviar spade in the Versailles flatware pattern, a bone caviar spoon, and a sterling handled, horn bowled, caviar server 
~ The flavor of caviar is often referred to as an acquired taste, but those who enjoy it say it is "an intense explosion of complex flavors." Caviar is a delicacy. It is the unfertilized eggs (roe) of sturgeon brined with a salt solution. The brining solution contributes a little to the overall palate, but caviar enthusiasts often savor the luxurious texture and indescribably rich taste of the caviar berries themselves. - Photo by Maura J. Graber, from “Reaching for the Right Fork”

The eating of caviar has its own set of rituals. Caviar is a "finger food" when eaten as an hors d'oeuvre, and served on toast points, or thin, round slices of bread- usually dry, since good in quality caviar, there should be enough fat in the eggs to moisten the bread.  Purists do not alter the flavor of the caviar with such garnishes as sour cream, chopped egg or onion. As with most finger foods, caviar on toast points, crackers or other small sliced breads, should be eaten in one or two bites.

The following are some considerations:

Caviar should be served from a non-metal spoon. Caviar spoons are widely available in bone, horn, tortoiseshell and mother-of-pearl. Any metals, including silver, will impart a metallic flavor to the granules. 

Depending on the grade of caviar, the flavor of lesser grades can be enhanced with a dab of fresh lemon juice. 

If you don't have a caviar server, place the caviar in a small glass or porcelain bowl, inside of a larger bowl filled with crushed ice. Make sure that the water does not enter the caviar bowl as the ice melts. 

If serving caviar on crackers, use bland, unsalted crackers.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Society

Samuel Littleton, a famous Queen’s Counsel in his day. had a family whose manners might cause many a house of noble rank to blush —A Queen's Counsel (postnominal QC), or King's Counsel (postnominal KC) during the reign of a King, is an eminent lawyer (usually a barrister) who's appointed by the Queen to be one of "Her Majesty's Counsel learned in the law." The term is also recognised as an honorific.

What Constitutes Society?

A famous essayist once wrote: "l have but seldom sat at the tables of the great. but on such occasions I did not fail to notice that exalted rank does not always confer a superiority of manners; however, I must confess that while respect must always be paid to nobility, the arts of polite conversation, gentle manners, discretion of speech, kindness, sobriety, wit and learning seem to me most successfully cultivated by those who possess no title to respect other than may be conceded to integrity, Industry and success in life.

“Samuel Littleton, a famous Queen’s Counsel in his day. had a family whose manners might cause many a house of noble rank to blush. He himself was a scholar and a wit, yet a wit who sought not to wound. His son, though apt to blush in conversation, had in him the making of a very pretty wit. His daughter, lovely in person, could also display the graces of the mind. They understood music enough to play movingly upon the spinuet. They were also well read and could aptly quote from Shakespeare. Milton and Dryden. They conversed intelligently on all subjects generally allowed to be Introduced before ladies, without boldness, but with a modesty which always best becomes a young geutiewoman. Of the wife and mother no praise would be too extravagant, but it will be sufficient to say that her daughter*, in attempting the task, despaired of emulating her. 

When contrasting a dinner given by my Lord Fullacre, the noisy talk that prevailed, the low topics introduced, the profusion of wine and other evils and extravagances, with a dinner at the house of Sam Littleton, the sobriety of his table, yet the plenty, the moderation of the drinking, the pretty conversation and lively sallies of the girls, the graciousness of the matron, the innocent mirth and laughter of the company, then you find what is true society—that is, society ordered according to the politeness of the age—must be sought for where the men are scholars of delicacy and breeding, and where the women have been educated to make them fit mates for the men." — San Francisco Call, 1892

                   Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Precedent and Etiquette

The case is unprecedented of ladies of official rank visiting the Old World alone," but in lands where precedent and official etiquette are so important it is no laughing matter!

A Matter of Precedent 

Mrs. J. R. McKee and Mrs. Russell Harrison, daughter and daughter-in-law of the president, are now in England and enjoying themselves hugely by ail accounts. The American reader is inclined to smile at the cablegram to the effect that our diplomats abroad are greatly embarrassed, as "the case is unprecedented of ladies of official rank visiting the Old World alone," but in lands where precedent and official etiquette are so important it is no laughing matter. The ladies will visit Paris and Berlin also, and no matter what ceremony is observed there is, as Abraham Lincoln used to say, "No doubt but we shall be able to keep house." — Los Angeles Herald, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and 19th C. Politeness

"Acquaintances made in travelling, or accidentally in public places, have no claim to more than a passing bow if you afterwards find that the acquaintanceship is not particularly desirable?"

Rules of Politeness and Introductions

As a general role, do not introduce a gentleman to a lady without first privately asking her permission. In going through the ceremony of introducing, pronounce the name of the lady first, adding; "Permit me to present to you Mr. —. " In introducing two gentlemen, present the younger one to the elder, or the one of lower rank to the one of the higher. If the gentlemen are about the same age, and equal in society, present the stranger to the one with whom you are the most intimate. The best form of expression that can be used in introducing two gentlemen, who are in the same circle, is to say; " Mr.— let me make you acquainted wilh Mr. —." But if you are addressing an elderly gentleman, always say, "Mr. — , permit me to present to you Mr. — ." 

A lady should always be perfectly at her ease while introducing her friends to one another, as she has, while performing this necessary little ceremony, great opportunity of proving whether or not her manners are truly graceful. It is not considered fashionable to introduce two persons who accidentally meet in your parlor, and who are paying you a morning visit. The object of this custom in France, (where it first arose) was to prevent formality, as visitors were expected to converse together without an introduction, and were afterwards at liberty to recognize each other or not just as they pleased. It is, therefore, in good taste if you find your guests do not converse together without an introduction to present them to one another. Never introduce in the street, unless the third person joins and walks with you. You may make an exception to this rule when the parties are mutually desirious of knowing one another. 

If you are walking with one lady, do not stop to converse with others who are unknown to her, as she must necessarily feel unpleasant. If you are walking with a gentleman you may follow the bent of your inclination, for if he is well bred he will attend your pleasure without evincing either impatience or awkwardness. A lady is at liberty to take either another lady or a gentleman to pay a morning visit to a friend, without asking permission: but she should never allow a gentleman the same liberty, if he desires to make any of his friends known to her, he must first ask if the acquaintance would be agreeable. 

A lady who is invited to an evening assembly may always request a gentleman who has not been invited by the lady of the house, to accompany her. Acquaintances made in travelling, or accidentally in public places, have no claim to more than a passing bow if you afterwards finds that the 
acquaintanceship is not particularly desirable. When a gentleman is presented to a lady, if she is in her own house, and desires to welcome him, she may shake hands with him, but on any other occasion, unless the gentleman is venerable, or the bosom frfend of the husband or father, this practice is reprehensible. The same rule should be observed when a lady is introduced to a lady: although in this country the habit of shaking hands is very general. 

In introducing a friend, be as cautious of saying too much in his favor, as too little, for if the introduced be really the possessor of very good qualities, they will soon be lound out, and more appreciated than if they had in the first instance been all told. At a large dinner or evening party, although some persons strictly adhere to the French custom of not introducing, the mistress of the house shows real politeness by presenting to one another those persons who she thinks will assimilate in their dispositions. If there are strangers present, a party in America is apt to become formal through the omission of introductions; not so in Paris, where everybody converses with his neighbor without going through the unnecessary ceremony of a presentation. — Scientific American Magazine, 1846

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and a Willful Child

 A person of tact can always distract the child's attention from its own obstinacy, and in a few moments lead it gently 'round to submission. 

Breaking the Child’s Will

No art is so useful in the management of young children (nor is any art so neglected) as that of avoiding direct collision. The grand blunder which almost all parents and nursemaids commit is, that when the child takes up a whim against doing what he is wanted to do—will not eat his bread and butter, will not go out, will not come to lessons, etc.,— they, so to speak, lay hold of his hind leg, and drag him to his duties; whereas a person of tact can always distract the child's attention from its own obstinacy, and in a few moments lead it gently 'round to submission. 

We know that many persons would think it wrong not to break down the child’s self-will by main force, to come to battle with it, and show him that he is the weaker vessel; but our conviction is that such struggles only tend to make his self-will more robust. If you can skillfully contrive to lay the dispute aside for a few minutes, and hitch his thoughts off the excitement of the contest, ten to one, he will give in quite cheerfully; and this is far better for him than tears and punishment. — Red Bluff Independent, 1874

 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Faire la Bise Etiquette

French etiquette: “To kiss or not to kiss?” That is the question! 

                         

Former French First Lady, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, mastered the art of the kiss 

Photo: Sipa Press / Rex Features

How to greet people can be bewildering for those new to French culture

My online dictionary gives two definitions of la bise – “the icy blast of winter” and “a kiss”. Evelyn Waugh wrote of two society ladies in London, “They kissed with cold detestation.” Maybe that happens in Paris, but here in the Morvan there is nothing wintry about la bise. 

Miss Graham, our headmistress in the 1950s, frowned upon what she called PDAs: public displays of affection. PDAs are ubiquitous here, in the form of kissing and vigorous handshaking and even hugging – in the street, in the doctor's waiting room, in the supermarket. Miss Graham would shudder, but when I meet Pierre and Nicole in Aldi, la bise as an expression of mutual respect and affection rules OK.

A little online research will lead you to items like To Kiss or Not to Kiss and Faire la Bise: The Art of the Parisian Double Air Kiss. All emphasize that la bise bears no relation to le baiser as immortalised by Rodin, or indeed to “French kissing”. In la bise, the kisses (for there should be at least two) are aimed at alternate cheeks. The online experts cannot seem to agree on which cheek gets the first bise. The thing they all agree about is that the lips doing the kissing remain closed. No slobbering – ça ne se fait pas. Strangely, nobody mentions the importance of holding one's breath while kissing – nobody wants your garlic fumes.

The number (from two to four or even, I am told, five in Corsica) depends less on the degree of affection or acquaintance than on the region. I even found a map of France on the web, showing the number of kisses current in each region. Someone probably got a Master's thesis out of that. 

“A popular French joke is that you may recognize the city you are in by counting the number of cheek kisses, as it is so varied across the country. An online map of France even shows the number of kisses currently claimed to be used in each region. It shows it's more common in the southern parts of France, even between males, whether they be relatives or friends. In the north however, it is less usual for two unrelated males to share 'la bise'. “In the Netherlands and Belgium cheek kissing is commonly used as a greeting between relatives and friends. But women will kiss both women and men, while men will kiss women and refrain from kissing other men. They prefer to shake hands, especially with strangers. Usually three kisses are exchanged in the Netherlands and the Dutch part of Belgium. The same is found to be true in Switzerland. In Francophone Belgium, the custom is usually one or three kisses. “On occasion, you may exchange bises with the same person three times: when you arrive, congratulating an achievement or thanking him or her for a gift, and then again when one is leaving.”

After almost eight years in the Morvan, I offer my own take on la bise. Here, men mostly shake hands with each other with optional back-slapping, but men kiss women. Women kiss women. Everyone kisses children: both sexes hold up their faces to be kissed. So our friend Alain from Auxerre shakes hands enthusiastically with my husband John, while I am treated to la bise. When you have known someone a while and exchanged handshakes, one of you will say, "On fait la bise?" and the kissing can begin.

My advice is go with the flow – and remember next time you meet that person. My extrovert friend Gigi delivers quadruple bises accompanied by a hug, whereas Simone, an equally dear friend but older and more reserved, does two, with no body contact. La bise says "hello" and "goodbye". My cleaning lady Yvonne and I exchange kisses when she arrives for work and again when she leaves.

Dionne Warwick sang: What do you get when you kiss a guy?
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia
After you do, he'll never phone ya
I'll never fall in love again.

In my experience, la bise does not spread contagion. To give an extreme example, the Bazolles oldies' club meets monthly and any woman with a birthday during that month faces what to many Brits would be Ordeal by Kissing. All 50 members claim their osculatory rights. If the lady is at all personable, several sprightly old buffers will queue up twice for the privilege. Amazingly, however, I have had just one cold since we arrived here in 2005. Maybe I had a natural immunity when we settled. My theory, however, is that the absence of mouth-to-mouth contact explains this. –By Rosy Rabson for Telegraph Weekly World, 2013 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette, Naturally

"No ripple mast be permitted to ruffle the smooth equilibrium and indifference of your feelings. You must greet him politely, but without emotion. So the false etiquette of which we speak teaches..."

Be Natural — Act Naturally 

One of the fashionable follies of the day is the affectation of great coolness. It is considered vulgar to be demonstrative. You meet an old friend; it is a blessing to your eyes to behold him once more. Your heart leaps up at sight of him—your impulse is to grasp him warmly by the hand. You feel almost like embracing him. You must do nothing of the kind. No ripple mast be permitted to ruffle the smooth equilibrium and indifference of your feelings. You must greet him politely, but without emotion. So the false etiquette of which we speak teaches. 

Self-possession is a strong quality, but we do not believe in this kind of self-possession. And people who school themselves in this are not apt to have the other and better kind. They are not apt to manifest self-possession on such as really call for it—occasions of difficulty and danger, and of great trials. Touch their self-love, make an unusual demand upon them for self-denial, and their assumed and superficial self-possession vanishes in an instant. For ourselves, we like naturalness of manner. Seem as you feel. Let the heart speak out, or what is the use in having a heart? There are crops which grow only on light soils, and the school of philosophy —miscalled philosophy—of which we speak must have originated in shallow brains. — Red Bluff Independent, 1874

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Regional "Optional" Etiquette

"In New York, which is too cosmopolitan a city to be cited as an example, street car etiquette is decidedly variable, and whether or not it is necessary to vacate a seat in a lady's favor is a much mooted question." — Etti~Katt was from a mid-20th Century, New York Transit Etiquette campaign.

Optional Courtesies? It Depends...

Among "optional" courtesies may be enumerated those which govern the conduct of persons on crowded public conveyances:

South of the Mason and Dixon line, no man would brave public opinion by remaining seated when a woman maintained a standing position, even were she the humblest of her sex. A foreigner would argue in such a case that he had paid for his seat, and that there could be no more reason for his rising in a street car than if he were occupying a seat at the opera or at a hotel table. 

In New York, which is too cosmopolitan a city to be cited as an example, street car etiquette is decidedly variable, and whether or not it is necessary to vacate a seat in a lady's favor is a much mooted question. One thing is certain, and that is, that youth and beauty appeal to both and low, even the most boorish individual being willing to relinquish his rights in favor of a woman with a pair of bright eyes and a stylish figure. 

The poor wage worker, in her faded cotton gown and with fingers showing evidences of toil, is rarely the recipient of such courtesy. The man in broadcloth, who has been seated in his luxurious office most of the day, keeps his seat without a qualm of conscience, and holds his paper before his face to obstruct the view of the appealing eyes and worn figure. 

Women in public vehicles often exhibit a remarkable selfishness and a total disregard for the comfort of others. Many of them accept a seat to which they have no legal right with a saucy toss of the head and without recognizing the courtesy by as much as a bow or a "thank you." An audible expression of thanks is the least a lady should offer in exchange for the sacrifice of a place, and this should be tendered as freely to the threadbare clerk as to the dude in fine raiment. —Jenness-Miller Magazine, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Versailles Queen's Etiquette

Maria Theresa of Spain's marriage in 1660 with King Louis XIV, was arranged with the purpose of ending the long-standing war between Spain and France. Famed for her virtue and piety, she sadly saw 5 of her 6 children die in early childhood. She is frequently regarded as an object of pity in historical accounts of her husband's reign. She had no choice, but to tolerate his many, many love affairs, and the rigid rules of etiquette at Versailles.

The bride of Louis XIV, having been thrown from her horse was dragged some distance before any Knight would risk his own life to save her, it being high treason to touch her ; and even after two, young Lords had devoted themselves, the Queen was obliged to entreat their pardon on her knees, in order to obviate the awful consequences of their generous act. — Daily Alta, 1855

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Early California Etiquette

 "No man or class of men has the power to set up or keep up any pre-conceived standards of right or wrong, of taste or etiquette... Not in Early California, that is!"

Men and Manners, or the Lack Thereof, in Early California

There is in California a practical freedom of speech and action, to be found nowhere in the Atlantic States. Men breathe freely and act as freely, caring, for no lookers-on. The reason is because society here has no leader, and will have none. The adventitious advantages of wealth, family, or profession, which at home enable their possessors to take the lead of the masses, are held at a discount which startles the newcomer. No man or class of men has the power to set up or keep up any pre-conceived standards of right or wrong, of taste or etiquette. The Californian takes a wild pleasure in kicking down the old-fashioned guide boards, so as to make sure of laying out a track for himself.


Wealthy men have their toad-eaters here, as well as elsewhere, but the largest possessions command no real respect among the minds of the people. They look upon riches as the very accident of accidents, as they are in this part of the world, and decline paying reverence to the man of wealth to-day, knowing that he may be "dead-broke" tomorrow, and the raggedest fellow in the crowd comes to play the millionaire in his place. Each one hopes to act the part in his turn, but looks upon the acquirement of wealth, after all, and only the accidental shifting of the colors of the kaleidoscope of existence. — Napa Reporter, 1859

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia