The Etiquette of Women’s Cards

“It is considered old-fashioned to indicate the names of both a husband and wife on the same card. As an exception, this practice exists in resorts.”

Calling Card and Business Card Etiquette for Ladies of the Late 1800’s and Early 1900’s

1. The name on a lady’s calling or business card should be printed in a simple font, without any decorations, and without gothic letters. The name is located in the center of the card, the address of the lady is in the left corner. Typically, a business card is three and a half inches in length.

2. Married ladies should never put their first name on a social or business card. An exception is made for widows.

3. It is considered old-fashioned to indicate the names of both a husband and wife on the same card. As an exception, this practice exists in resorts.

4. Before you leave the card, you should ask the servant if the lady of the house is at home. If she is not there, you can safely leave a card.

5. Leaving a card is the prerogative of the ladies. During the visits, the wife leaves not only her business card, but also her husband’s business card. Visiting another married lady, she leaves three cards - her card for her hostess and two cards of her husband; one for her hostess and one for her hostess’ husband.

6. A daughter leaves a business or calling card of her father. A married gentleman rarely leaves his business cards, except during a visit to his single friends.

7. Calling cards are made to leave in person, and not sent by mail. If the health does not allow one to personally bring a card, it can be sent via servant.

8. Upon arrival in a city, ladies should leave their cards with all their friends and acquaintances.

9. When a lady of the carriage set is making calls, the servant carries the cards. If she walks through the city, she knocks at the house and leaves the card herself.

10. If one has paid a visit and talked to the lady of the house, she no longer needs to leave her card. However, she still needs to leave her husband’s two cards. It is considered bad form to leave them on the table in the living room or in the card basket or tray, and in no case can they simply be handed to the lady of the house. The husband’s cards should be left on the table in the hallway or quietly passed to the butler or a servant.

11. If the lady’s husband is present during the visit, he leaves only one of his cards, for the man of the house. If the gentleman is also present, one does not need to leave anything.

12. If the mistress, or lady of the house has adult daughters, the guest should bend the right corner of the business card, thus to mark their presence. The lady never leaves a business card of her husband for the daughters, but she can leave it if the family has adult sons.

13. If a lady leaves a business card for her friend, who only stays in the house, it is not necessary to leave another business card for the lady of the house, unless the visitor knows her.

14. Young ladies should not have their own social calling cards. Their names are usually printed under the name of the mother. If the mother is not alive, the girl’s name is written under the father’s name on the standard lady’s business card (but not on the gentleman’s business card). If adult ladies make social visits in the company of young girls, then the names of the girls are written by hand on the cards, under the names of those women.

15. Older unmarried women, (spinsters or “old maids”) who no longer need an attendant, may have their own cards.

16. If a young lady visits ladies who are unfamiliar with her mother or companion, she leaves her mother’s card, under whose name her name is printed. To let her know that she had personally visited, the girl deletes the mother’s name with a pencil, leaving only her own.

17. Ladies who have received a calling card, should pay a return visit within a week and leave their cards.

18. If a new family arrives in the city, local residents should be the first to make a visit and leave their cards, having previously specified what position the newcomers occupy in the community. Beginners should not be the first to make visits.

19. If a lady makes a visit to inquire about health, she writes, “Ask Mrs. Jones for health.” Having recovered, Mrs. Jones can leave her card, with a note of thanks above the name.

20. Leaving for more than two months, one should personally carry cards to all acquaintances or send cards with the abbreviation PPC (pour prendre conge) in the lower corner through a servant. Thus, they are notified of one’s departure without unnecessary correspondence. This should be done a week before departure.

21. If a lady makes a visit which is primarily for business, she should ask the servant to immediately take her business card to the resident she is visiting.

By contributor, Maria Pavlova. Russian born, Maria started studying etiquette and traditions as a young girl, as it was important to her family. She dedicated much time and research to 19th century etiquette and customs. For a time, she ran an etiquette school called, “The Russian Princess.” Now, living abroad, she offers consultations and conducts etiquette lessons online.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Tea Etiquette in 19th C. Russia

Vintage postcard, featuring Russian Tea “Rag Dolls”

There are several elements without which it is difficult to imagine tea drinking in 19th century Russia:

1. A samovar

2. A teapot 

3. A “hot-water” doll (known as a tea cozy in the US and UK). 

3. Porcelain cups, saucers, teaspoons and dishes. In wealthy homes, fine porcelain was used for tea drinking.

4. Sweets to serve for eating while enjoying the tea (including sugar in a bowl for sweetening the tea).

Nobles were among the first began to drink tea. They copied the customs adopted by the British. In the noble families, the tea table was covered twice a day with a fine white cloth. Expensive porcelain dishes were present on the table to emphasize the elegance of the ceremony. Often they drank tea on the open summer terraces. Over tea, the guests talked about refined topics.

A Russian “hot water doll,” or tea cozy.

To serve and enjoy tea as Russians did in the 19th century – The samovar is placed directly on a small tea table or at the end of a larger table. Tea leaves are poured into a small teapot, with hot water from the samovar poured in, and a rag doll is put on top, keeping the water hot for steeping the tea. The resulting brew is poured into cups and diluted with boiling water. Everyone can choose the strength of the drink. 

Only the mistress herself pours tea, and only in case of emergency is this action entrusted by the eldest of the daughters, which corresponds to an unwritten rule - the same person, well familiar with the pouring, should always pour the tea. Tea is drunk from china, surely not topping up 1-2 cm from the edge of the cup, which is considered good form.

Etiquette for drinking tea properly in Russia: 

Do’s for tea drinking

• It is necessary to ensure that the edges of the teacup remain clean. It is not polite to leave traces of lipstick, or greasy food on it. It is necessary to blot lips with a napkin before starting tea drinking.
• Biscuits or cakes, which are often served with tea, are to be eaten with a spoon. If sand, puff cake or pie with sweet filling is served, it is necessary to use a fork and a knife. Cut a small piece carefully with a knife, and bring to the mouth with the help of a fork.
• If tea is served, refined sugar in a common bowl, you must use special tongs, with which you can put the required number of pieces in the tea or on a saucer.
• Earlier, to show that tea drinking is over, the guest turned his cup on a saucer. Now you can just put your spoon in the cup, and it will be perceived as a refusal of any more tea.

Don’ts during tea drinking

• You should not blow tea, even if it is very hot. Moreover, you cannot drink tea from a spoon, it is a sign of bad manners. It will take only a few minutes, and the tea will cool down, you just need to wait a bit.
• In merchant houses they drank tea from saucers, but now this tradition has gone down in history, so there is no need to do this at the table.
• A teaspoon after stirring tea should not be left in a cup or placed on a tablecloth, for this there is a saucer.
• You should not stick out your little finger while holding a tea cup.
• A teacup is always brought to your mouth. You do not need to bend over to take a sip.
• You need to drink tea silently.

Meet our newest contributor, Maria Pavlova. Russian born, Maria started studying etiquette and traditions as a young girl, as it was important to her family. She dedicated much time and research to 19th century etiquette and customs. For a time, she ran an etiquette school called, “The Russian Princess.” Now, living abroad, she offers consultations and conducts etiquette lessons online.



Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Domestic Notes on Table Etiquette

 An antique, King’s pattern, corn stripper or kernel scraper. Victorians loved green corn, and by the late 1800’s and early 1900’s had produced numerous patented items, like the one above, for making the eating of green corn from the cob a more graceful process.

A writer in Harper's Bazaar takes up her pen to put us all to rights on our behavior at the table. We give a part of her lecture as follows: A cream-cake, and anything of similar nature, should be eaten with knife and fork, never bitten. Asparagus may be taken from the finger and thumb. Peas and beans, we all know, require the fork only. Potatoes, if mashed, should be mashed with the fork. Green corn should be eaten from the cob, but it must be held with a single hand. Celery, cresses, radishes, and all that sort of thing, are, of course, to be eaten from the fingers; the salt should be laid upon one's plate, not upon the cloth. 

Fish is to be eaten with the fork, without the assistance of the knife; a bit of bread in the left hand sometimes helps one to master a refractory morsel. Berries, of course, are to be eaten with a spoon. It is not proper to drink with a spoon in the cup; nor should one, by the way, ever quite drain the cup or glass. Spoons are sometimes used with puddings, but forks are the better style. A spoon should never be turned over in the mouth. 

Ladies have frequently an affected way of holding the knife half way down its length, as if it were too big for their little hands, but this is as awkward a way as it is weak. The knife should be grasped freely by the handle only, the forefinger being the only one to touch the blade, and that only along the back of the blade at its root, and no further down. In sending one's plate to be helped a second time, one should retain one's knife and fork, for the convenience of waiter and carver. At the conclusion of a course, where they have been used, knife and fork should be laid side by side on the plate, never crossed; the old custom of crossing them was in obedience to an ancient religious formula. 

The servant should offer everything at the left of the guest, that the guest may be at liberty to use the right hand. If one has been given a napkin-ring, it is necessary to fold one's napkin and use the ring; otherwise the napkin should be left unfolded. One's teeth are not to be picked at the table; but if it is impossible to hinder it, it should be done behind the napkin. One may pick a bone at the table, but, as with corn, only one hand is allowed to touch it; yet one can usually get enough from it with knife and fork, which is certainly the more elegant way of doing; to take her teeth to it gives a lady the look of caring a little too much for the pleasures of the table; one is, however, on no account to suck one's fingers after it. 

Wherever there is any doubt as to the beat way to do a thing, it is wise to follow that which is the most rational, and that will almost invariably be found to be the proper etiquette. There is a reason for everything in polite usage; thus the reason why one does not blow a thing to cool it, is not only that it is an inelegant and vulgar action intrinsically, but because it may be offensive to others– cannot help being so indeed; and it, moreover, implies haste, which, whether resulting from greediness or from a desire to get away, is equally rude and objectionable. Everything else may be as easily traced to its origin in the fit and becoming. 

If to conclude, one seats one’s self properly at the table, and takes reason into account, one will do tolerably well. One must not pull one's chair too closely to the table, for the natural result of that is the inability to use one's knife and fork without inconveniencing one's neighbors; the elbows are to be held well in and close to one's side, which cannot be done if the chair is too near the board. One must not lie or lean along the table, nor rest one's arms upon it. – Pacific Rural Press, 1879

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Washington State Dinner Procedure

The question of official rank and procedure upon occasions of receptions and more especially at dinner parties, is one of the most perplexing, as well as one of the most necessary, for newcomers in Washington to master in an understanding manner. 

The President's place at table on the occasion of a State Dinner is the middle seat on the north side of the table. The place for his wife is directly facing him across the board on the south side of the table. The seats on the right and left of the President and his wife, are the especial places of honor. It is etiquette for the guests to remain standing until the President and his wife are seated. At a State Dinner it is the duty of the President’s wife to make the move to indicate that the dinner is at an end. Until such move has been made the guests must remain seated. 

The question of official rank and procedure upon occasions of receptions and more especially at dinner parties, is one of the most perplexing, as well as one of the most necessary, for newcomers in Washington to master in an understanding manner. At a State Dinner given by the President to the Cabinet, the place of honor is given the Vice-President, and the second to the Secretary of State. At a dinner at which the guests include the members of the Cabinet and the Chief Justice, the latter can, with propriety, be seated between the Secretary of the Interior and the Secretary of Agriculture. 

Generally, this is not done, but if so desired, the seating at the dinner can be thus arranged, for the reason that the law regulating the Presidential succession was passed prior to the creation of the office of Secretary of Agriculture. As a consequence the latter is not in the line of Presidential succession, and at a dinner to the Cabinet the Chief Justice is entitled to rank him. The Vice President ranks the Chief Justice at a dinner party, as well as upon all other state occasions. Should it happen that at a Cabinet dinner, at which the President, the Vice President and the Secretary of State were present, the guests including an Ambassador, the foreigner is entitled to rank the Secretary of State. 

At an unofficial party at which a member of the Cabinet or of the Supreme Court is present, the place of honor must be given the official as a mark of proper respect for the office represented. Too much care cannot be exercised in this respect. In the event of a host or a hostess being perplexed on this subject, a plan of the table should be drawn, and, together with a list of the guests, submitted to one of the officials of the private secretaries at the White House.

The President of the United States when entering a carriage, irrespective of who may be his companion, must always enter the carriage first and occupy the seat at the right hand. This etiquette is exactly the reverse of that for any other official of the United States. Should the President be accompanied by his wife and a third person, the wife must occupy the seat beside the President, and the third person ride upon the opposite seat. The President’s wife in driving with a friend, irrespective of the official or social standing of that friend, must always follow the rule for the President in entering the carriage first and of occupying the seat of honor on the right. 

It is etiquette to remain standing in the presence of the President or the mistress of the White House, as long as either of them stands. When, however, the mistress of the White House invites a guest to sit or to remain after a reception and take part in any informal entertainment that may follow, such invitation is in the nature of a command. In addition to the state receptions, it is customary for the wife of the President to designate certain Saturday afternoons during the season upon which, from 3 to 5 oclock, the general public is received. These receptions are not obligatory upon the wife of the President, and can, upon her discretion, be altogether omitted from the season’s program. – Sacramento Daily News, 1897

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Berries and More

Before berry forks came spoons– Berries can be eaten using either a berry fork, a dessert spoon or dessert fork, to suit however the berries are served.

Q. In eating berries as dessert, is it against the rules of etiquette to crush the berries with one’s spoon, or should they be eaten whole with sugar and cream? – Signed, “Anxious”

A. It is not correct to crush the berries and there is no reason for doing it. They should be taken whole on the spoon and then eaten. – Sotoyome Scimitar, 1930

A writer at Harper's Bazaar takes up her pen to put us all to rights on our behavior at the table. We give a part of her lecture as follows: “A cream-cake, and anything of similar nature, should be eaten with knife and fork, never bitten. Asparagus may be taken from the finger and thumb. Peas and beans, we all know, require the fork only. Potatoes, if mashed, should be mashed with the fork. Green corn should be eaten from the cob, but it must be held with a single hand. Celery, cresses, radishes, and all that sort of thing, are, of course, to be eaten from the fingers; the salt should be laid upon one’s plate, not upon the cloth. Fish is to be eaten with the fork, without the assistance of the knife; a bit of bread in the left hand sometimes helps one to master a refractory morsel. Berries, of course, are to be eaten with a spoon. It is not proper to drink with a spoon in the cup; nor should one, by the way, ever quite drain the cup or glass. Spoons are sometimes used with puddings, but forks are the better style. A spoon should never be turned over in the mouth.” – Pacific Rural Press, 1879 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Washington’s Etiquette Obligations

News photographers crowd in to take photos of the White House state dining room tables set for a formal State Dinner. – Originally, White House tables were very long and rectangular. The round tables were the idea of former First Lady, Jacqueline Kennedy, who felt round tables spread throughout the room would be more conducive to conversations. They have remained this way ever since.

Social Obligations That the President's Wife Cannot Escape 

The etiquette of Washington life in its official, diplomatic and social phases is truly exacting even to those who keep to the head and front in the obligations of their own small circle. Therefore, how much more puzzling it must of necessity be to one who, like Mrs. McKinley, has been practically transplanted from the environment of invalidism to the position and duties that devolve upon the wife of the President: To her there must come many moments of indecision, and a faux pas committed is heralded from one end of the United States to the other. 

Therefore, it is well for all American women to be told what would be expected of them if some day they should become First Ladies of the land, for in this democratic country there is a chance for all of them to occupy the exalted position into which Mrs. McKinley has just stepped. The wife of the President is the one woman in official life exempt from making a first call, as during her husband’s administration she is the First Lady of the land, upon whom every American as well as every foreigner of distinction.

Washington must pay the mark of respect of a first call. When the wife of an ex-President arrives in Washington she must at once make the first call at the White House. The President's'wife must then return that call within the period of three days. The courtesy is greater when the call is returned the following day. When a member of royalty or person of any exalted rank arrives in Washington, it is etiquette for such person to make a first call at the White House. This ceremonial call generally lasts about five minutes, and in the event of such caller being a woman has to be returned by the wife of the President within three hours. In official circles dinner cards designating the place at table are written with the name of the office of the person for whom intended, as “The Vice-President,” “The British Ambassador,” etc. 

At the beginning of each season, generally in the latter part of December, the official list of dinner parties to be given at the White House is made out by one of the private secretaries after due consultation with the President. The order of official entertainments at the White House is given each season as follows: January 1, the President’s reception from 11 a. m. to 2. p. m. The first State Dinner is in honor of the cabinet. The first state evening reception is in honor of the Diplomatic Corps, from 9 to 11 oclock. The second State Dinner is in honor of Congress and the Judiciary. The third State Dinner is in honor of the Supreme Court. The third state reception is in honor of the Army, Navy and Marine Corps. The fourth evening reception is in honor of the public. For this reception, no cards are issued. 

At the State Dinners, invitations are generally sent to a limited number of the resident society of Washington or other large cities, such as may be selected by the President or his wife for the dinner. An invitation to a State Dinner is equivalent to a command, in as much as it should be accepted, even if in so doing another previously accepted invitation has to be declined. When, on account of illness, death in the family or absence from the city, it is found impossible to attend a State Dinner, the reason should be stated in the reply to the invitation. At State Dinners, the President does not make his appearance in the East Room, where the guests are received, until the exact hour at which the dinner takes place. The President's wife, on such occasions, precedes him to the East Room five or ten minutes in advance of the time set for the dinner, in order to greet the guests as they arrive. 

When the signal is given for the company to pass down the corridor ito the State Dining Room, the President leads with such guest of honor as has been selected in accordance with the requisite official rank necessary for the occasion. The President always leads the way at any dinner or entertainment he may attend. The President's wife always walks last at a State Dinner, her partner having been selected with the same due regard to rank as prevailed in the selection of the President's dinner companion.– Sacramento Daily Union, 1897

 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette of British Royal Dining

Don't think about asking the Queen to “Please pass the salt.” She has her own salt dip, or salt cellar, and it is not part of the 2,000 plus silver pieces used for a State Dinner. The Queen’s is a salt dip that was made by Nicholas Clausen in 1721

If by chance there is ever an opportunity for you to go to dinner with HRH at the palace, here are a few things you may find interesting... The silver service (aka “The Grand Service”) is so large, and so complete with every type of utensil imaginable, it takes eight (yes... eight) palace employees at least three weeks to get ready for setting on the tables. Though the Grand Service is kept by the Yeoman of the Silver Pantry (that is the actual title) in a controlled atmosphere, each piece still needs to be washed, shined and polished to perfection prior to a State Dinner.

Don't think about asking the Queen to “Please pass the salt.” She has her own salt dip, or salt cellar, and it is not part of the 2,000 plus silver pieces used for  a State Dinner. The Queen's is a salt dip that was made by Nicholas Clausen in 1721.

Page from the excellent book, “For the Royal Table: Dining at the Palace”

All of this comes from a wonderful book entitled “For the Royal Table: Dining at the Palace” and was created by “The Royal Collection” in Great Britain. It includes historic menus, royal traditions, the silver, the crystal, the china... everything the royal family has used for the past 500 years. From the Royal Collection website, in 2008 announcing the publication of the book there is this... “The style of dining has changed considerably over the centuries, as can been seen from the elaborate menus and recipes from past royal banquets. At a lavish dinner given by Charles II for the Garter Knights at Windsor Castle in 1671, guests were served 145 dishes during the first course, and the catering included 16 barrels of oysters, 2,150 poultry, 1,500 crayfish, 6,000 asparagus stalks and 22 gallons of strawberries” and much more.

The book shows the finger bowls set out with the accompanying knife, fork and spoon, for the dessert or fruit course.

Menu for the Wedding Breakfast of King George VI and Queen Elizabeth in 1923

The table gets the white glove treatment.

 And the white bootie treatment too, for walking the length of the table, checking on perfection. 

Here is more from “The Royal Collection” website: “Contemporary photographs show how Royal Household staff, including chefs, footmen, pages, florists and housemaids, guarantee the highest standards of presentation at a State Banquet. The laying of the table begins two days before the dinner, and each place-setting measures exactly 45cm (18in) across. During the meal, a system of ‘traffic lights’ keeps the team of footmen and pages synchronised; a blue light communicates ‘stand by’ and an amber light signals ‘serve the food’. Each guest has six glasses (one each for red wine, white wine, water and port, and two for champagne – one for the toast and one for the pudding course). A diagram of the arrangement of the glasses guides those who are unfamiliar with the sequence of service.

From the Royal Photograph Collection is a charming series of portraits of Queen Victoria’s footmen and pages, many of whom had started in royal service under her uncle, William IV. Serving food in a royal palace presented particular challenges. Staff were instructed that ‘trays must be kept level so that there is no spilling of gravy or sauces’. At Windsor Castle every dish had to be carried up narrow stairs from the Great Kitchen to the State Apartments. The chefs always made twenty extra dishes for each course in case of a disaster. Following the devastating fire of 1992, the restoration of the Castle included a complete refitting of the kitchen quarters, adding lifts to deliver the food. Royal Household staff still prepare food in the Great Kitchen, the oldest working kitchen in England, where traditional copper pots from reign of George IV stand alongside high-tech catering equipment.” The book is a great read for anyone following the Royal Family or who is interested in history. 

This post was previously posted on the Etiquette Sleuth Blogspot in 2011 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Interviewing Etiquette

“Greet the interviewer with a warm but neutral “How do you do.” Whether to shake hands is up to him. Remain standing until he waves you to a' chair. Your coat goes on another chair or piled neatly beside you, but never on his desk. Smoke only if he offers one or says it’s okay.”

Dollars and Sense Depend on P’s & Q’s

It seems a little crude to come right out and say that etiquette “pays off.” Of course it does; but it's pleasanter to think of it paying off in things like good will and social harmony than in grubby old money. Nonetheless there is one occasion when etiquette's commercial value cannot be denied. We refer to job interviews. 

GROUND RULES

Knowing the ground rules not only quiets palpitations and dries sweaty palms. It often lands the job. The rules include: 

1. Dress well but not wildly well. Employers tend to be serious about their businesses. Flashiness on your part, loud socks or tie, a raffish boutonniere suggests you're not. 

2. Do a grooming countdown before the interview. Shoes shined? Chin smooth? Hair combed? Short of drenching yourself with cologne or plastering your hair with stickum, it’s hard to be too groomed. 

3. Before calling on a prospect make an appointment by phone or letter. Never “drop in” 

4. Be on time. If early, ask the receptionist not to announce you until the exact moment. If unavoidably late, call to explain and if necessary remake the appointment. 

5. Don’t “practice” for the interview by chatting with the receptionist. Sit quietly, read, twiddle your thumbs, but don’t leave the room and don’t have the receptionist call to “remind” the interviewer if he keeps you waiting. 

6. Stand up when anybody approaches to talk. 

7. Greet the interviewer with a warm but neutral, “How do you do.” Whether to shake hands is up to him. Remain standing until he waves you to a chair. Your coat goes on another chair or piled neatly beside you, but never on his desk. Smoke only if he offers a cigarette or says it’s okay. 

8. When he asks about your present or former job, don't go into a tirade about your “skinflint” employer or the miserable hours. Don't volunteer the dreary details of your personal life. Emotion (except possibly enthusiasm) has no place in a job interview. 

9. Let him bring up salary. It’s “future” and “opportunity” you're interested in, not paltry dollars. Not precisely the truth? Nonetheless, it’s the impression you want to give. 

10. Don't interview the interviewer. This is not the time to inquire about coffee breaks, desk space, vacations. Wait until you get the job first. Then ask some lesser deity. 

11. The interview ends when the interviewer ends it. He may look blank; he may thank you for coming in. At any rate, don’t press for an immediate yes or no and don’t ask if you should call tomorrow. Your bargaining power was slight to begin with; overeagerness reduces it to nil. – Don Goodwin, 1958

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Tackling Bad Table Manners

A meal is not a marathon; there are no prizes for speed. So don't race. Eat small bites, one at a time, and never take two bites from the same forkful or two sips from the same spoonful. 

Bad Table Manners Will Give Indigestion to Others

There are two ways to get indigestion. One is to eat. The other is to watch someone else eat. For every chow-hound who gets dyspepsia from wolfing his food, there's a spectator with dyspepsia from watching him. Give pig’s knuckles to a pig and if the pig doesn’t suffer, a fussy onlooker will. Greasiness in managing a barbecued rib, will cause queasiness in many a solar plexus if not the eater’s, the spectator’s. Bad table manners, in other words, not only offend another’s sensibilities. They offend his digestive tract as well. Many people will forgive the former, but never the latter. So, in the interest of preventive medicine, if not of etiquette, it's wise to winnow out the truly horrendous “boners.” 

• Eating shouldn’t be auditory. Chew quietly, with your lips closed. Keep sound effects at a minimum. Don't chew and chatter simultaneously. 
• If you’re a professional hostess flatterer, say: “M-mm, good!” and let it go at that. Licking your fingers or smacking your lips contributes nothing and detracts much. 
• A meal is not a marathon; there are no prizes for speed. So don’t race. Eat small bites, one at a time, and never take two bites from the same forkful or two sips from the same spoonful. 
• While handling the cutlery, keep your arms at your sides. Flapping elbows both imperil neighbors’ ribs and show gusto unsuitable to the occasion. 
• Liquids should be sipped, not gulped. Soup slurping is a cardinal sin. Thanks to the law of gravity, it's generally unnecessary to “wash down” your food. If you get a hot bite, of course, water makes a good fire extinguisher, but otherwise drink only when your mouth is empty. Even then, wipe your mouth with a napkin before drinking. Food marks on a glass rim aren't the most appetizing sight. 

If you think the following don’ts pertain only to the high-chair set, you’re wrong. Some adults haven’t heard of them, either. 

• Don’t eat windmill style. 
• Don’t root in your plate. 
• Don’t blow on your food to cool it. 
• Don’t make goulash where goulash wasn’t intended. Keep separate portions separate. 
• Don’t submerge everything in catsup or gravy. Catsup is particularly risky. Used in excess, it’s clearly a slur on the cuisine. 

Q & A ON P’S & Q’S – 

(Q) “I find it disgusting when somebody blows his nose at the dinner table. Don’t you agree?” J. B. 

(A) What disgusts one man doesn’t daunt another. Etiquette, as it happens, ordinarily doesn’t require a person to leave the table to blow his nose. It’s considered sufficient to bury your head, shield your nose well and not make a production of it. Nose-blowers, in any case, should never apologize. This merely calls attention to the act. – Don Goodwin, Copyright 1964

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Mid 20th C. Etiquette and Chivalry

Some men report finding it hard to concentrate on their papers, what with all the female straphangers above them grumbling about the “Death of Chivalry.” 

Some rules about etiquette don’t last...

From “Male Polish,” 1961

To hear some women tell it, we are now deep in a recession in manners. If you’ve been to New York recently, you may have noticed they particularly tell it in buses and subways. Some men, in fact, report finding it hard to concentrate on their papers, what with all the female straphangers above them grumbling about the “Death of Chivalry.” 

HAS CYCLES: Etiquette, like business, has cycles. Whenever there is a slump, it's pretty certain some excess preceded it. And 50 years ago etiquette had excesses aplenty. Take this rule in a Victorian etiquette book: “When a gentleman offers a lady his chair, he should engage her in conversation for a few minutes, thus giving the seat time to cool.” Presumably this would save the lady the trouble of using her fan. But hot seats are not considered a problem today. What bothers a modern man is whether to give up his seat, period. 

Etiquette takes a practical view of the matter: In public conveyances men should relinquish their seats for pregnant women, women burdened with children or bundles, old and infirm women but not for every frisky young thing who climbs aboard. In a social setting, the better part of polish is to offer your seat to any standing female, whether she just won the Olympics or not. 

OPENING DOORS Even more sticky is the problem of when to open a woman’s door. Writes S.J.: “Sure, a man ought to practice etiquette, and I believe most men would, if women would only let them. Take the rule about opening doors. Nine times out of 10, just when a man starts to open a door for a woman, she grabs the knob and opens it herself, as if to say, ‘Look, Buster, who needs YOU?’” 

Etiquette indeed specifies that men should open doors for women. But whenever one persists in opening her own, all you can do. obviously, is let her. You should not make a thing of it. S.J. also has a peeve against doors that push in rather than open out. “Here you are.” he said, “standing at the still, trying to hold a push-door in front of you, so your date can enter the room first. To do so, she has to duck under your arm, and what started out to be a helping hand ends up resembling the minuet or London Bridge.” 

RULES CLASH Here is a case of two rules clashing one about opening doors, the other about “ladies first.” In this instance “ladies first” is sacrificed. Coming to a push-door, the man correctly precedes the woman through the door in order to hold it for her. In the event she pushes ahead, he has only to extend his arm over her head to take the door's weight from her as she passes through. – Don Goodwin, Copyright 1961

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Male Polish on Wine Etiquette

(Q.)“Must I toast EVERY time?” J. J. M., New Haven, Conn.
(A.) Yep, or risk insulting the guest of honor. But you don't have to down a glass with every toast (regardless of what boozehounds and traditionalists say). By sipping and fake sipping, you can toast till dawn on a single drink. – Did you know? “Gourmet” is old French for “wine taster” and the word is used properly in this 1957 etiquette advice column. A “gourmand” and not “gourmet” is the proper term for someone who loves food.

Don'ts Of Drinking Wine

Discovering that “Male Polish” today is all about wine etiquette, non-drinkers may be tempted to sashay elsewhere. But stick around, fellows. Wine etiquette reserves its most ticklish problem for people who never touch the stuff. 

WITH GOURMETS: The problem is, in fact, how in this boozy world do you avoid touching the stuff gracefully? You're dining with gourmets. Wine is served. For reasons of conscience or constitution, you don't want any. So what do you do? Put your hand over the glass? Turn it upside down? Both smack of histrionics. Or do you go into a spiel about the “Evils of Drink,” or the “Virtuous Life,” or “Wine Gives Me Heartburn?” Spellbinding as these subjects may be, they aren't likely to inspire a dinner companion whose chablis glass is lipward bound. 

JUST SAY NO: The thing to do, of course, is say “No, thank you” without any fuss whatever. No person in the world has less need to explain or apologize than a teetotaler. A wine etiquette for non-wine drinkers obviously is not too complicated. What about men who do drink wine? The biggest goof is to guzzle. Wine is not beer. To swill it in large daughts is to miss the subtleties of bouquet and flavor. Apart from this, gluttony in any form is bad manners. 

The second biggest goof is to be a Connoisseur with a capital C. The “Wine Snob” doesn't drink much; he just talks. But his lectures on vintage and vintner, body and bouquet, are so rapt and endless, many guests wish he would drink up and shut up. 

Goof No. 3 is to know nothing at all about wines. This is not really the world-shaking goof Connoisseurs would have us believe. All the same, if you expect to do any fancy hosting, it's well to have a nodding acquaintance with Bacchus. 

ALMOST as important as the wine itself is the technique of serving it. Traditionally, the host pours a little in his glass before serving counter-clockwise around the table. This is to assure bits of cork will land in his glass, not in the guests’. Some hosts even sip the wine before pouring, though others feel this is carrying tradition too far. 

Wine bottles should not be swathed in a napkin. Highly sedimented wine should be decanted or at least served from a basket. Wine glasses should be filled only two-thirds full, giving the bouquet room to rise.

Traditionally white wine (chilled) goes with light meat and seafood; red wine (room temperature) with red meat and game; and rosé wine with nearly anything. Many people feel that, with respect to wine anyhow, palate and pocketbook count more than tradition. They're probably right.

Q & A ON P’S & Q’S (Q) “I went to a bachelor party the other night and everybody was toast-happy. There were a dozen toasts, so I had a dozen drinks. Felt awful the next day. Must I toast EVERY time?” J. J. M., New Haven, Conn. (A) Yep, or risk insulting the guest of honor. But you don't have to down a glass with every toast (regardless of what boozehounds and traditionalists say). By sipping and fake sipping, you can toast till dawn on a single drink. – Don Goodwin, Copyright 1957

 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Equals in Etiquette?

(Q.) “We had a party the other night and afterward my wife chided me for lighting another woman's cigarette before her own. Since the woman was a guest, I think I did the right thing.” R. T., Boston (A.) You did, technically. However, if your wife is touchy about such matters, forget the niceties and light hers first. By the way, how pretty was the guest?– Though he wrote an etiquette column, the male columnist blasting women for the downfall of men’s manners in the 1950’s, couldn’t help himself to a joke about the guest’s appearance at the end of the Q & A.

Gals Deplore His Manners!

A favorite subject with women these days is the decline of masculine manners. For all their grievances, they forget who caused the decline. Women, that's who. 

EQUAL RIGHTS Years ago Female Eternal set out to acquire equal rights. She got them, too, in politics, education, the professions. But in the process she torpedoed Chivalry. Etiquette or that part of it governing men's actions toward women, was based on the notion that girls were frailer than boys. When girls stopped acting frailer, Etiquette took a nosedive. Men, of course, still respect women and feel protective toward them; women still want to be respected and protected. 

NOT SURE: But "equality" has wrought such confusion men aren't sure what is expected of them, and women aren't sure what to expect. Take this business of lighting a woman's cigarette. Invariably, when a man wants to show off his knowledge of etiquette, he says, piously, “When using a match, never light a woman’s cigarette before your own. The fumes, you know.” He's Wrong. The fumes from modern matches are negligible. If the man lets the match burn a second, he'll neither asphyxiate her nor blunder himself. Then there's the man who, knowing not a jot else about etiquette, knows you should ALWAYS light a woman's cigarette. Seeing one emerge from a purse, he bolts 30 feet across the room to light it. He looks foolish and she feels the same way. 

IN BOTH instances the men have good intentions. True, you should spare ladies discomfort. True, you should if convenient light ladies' cigarettes (some nonsmokers, in fact, carry matches for that express purpose). HE GOOFED! Here's a draw. It's a boner, all right, light the lady's first; ask permission to smoke in cars or other closed places; forego smoking when walking with a woman; offer her a cigarette every time you have one yourself. But, unfortunately, a blurring of roles means a blurring of rules. And men, in their bafflement, either go too far, not far enough, or abandon etiquette altogether. 

IN SOME cases, alas, equality has not only confused the roles of men and women; it has reversed them. You have, as a result, those familiar types, the Henpecked Male and Domineering Female. This unhappy switch encourages, not poor manners, but no manners. Normal women don't enjoy wearing trousers. Normal men don't enjoy being Dagwoods or Walter Mittys. So the first step toward restoring normalcy, clarifying roles and rejuvenating manners, is for men to practice those amenities that distinguish the sexes. 

Q & A on P’S & Q’S 

(Q) "We had a party the other night and afterward my wife chided me for lighting another woman's cigarette before her own. Since the woman was a guest, I think I did the right thing." R. T., Boston 

(A) You did, technically. However, if your wife is touchy about such matters, forget the niceties and light hers first. By the way, how pretty was the guest? – Don Goodwin’s Male Polish, Copyright 1959

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Male Polish and Etiquette

Smooth off the rough edges with “Male Polish”– the gateway to good manners.

“New Do’s/Don'ts Feature”

for 1956

How do you introduce VIP's? When do you shake hands with a woman? What's the fastest way to win a friend? Lose a friend? Make a speech? How do you propose marriage, remember names, write love letters, make a speech, give the brush-off, interview for a job? These and many other questions on etiquette will be answered in The Sun and Telegram's new feature, “Male Polish,” appearing for the first time in the Men's section, Saturday evening and Monday morning, Nov. 10, 12. “Male Polish” will provide readers with do's and don'ts for all types of social occasions, plus the necessary points of finesse at work and in the home.

Written by Don Goodwin, “Male Polish” is a weekly illustrated feature that shows in a photograph just how a social boner was made and then explains how it should be corrected. Other similar blunders are discussed in detail, including methods of anticipating and side-stepping them in the future. Readers will find a question box for their personal inquiries dealing with etiquette. Special consideration will be given to “Proper Dress,” “Table Manners,” “Office Etiquette.” Dating, going steady, escort manners, and business gifts are other important concerns for Sun and Telegraph readers. Smooth off the rough edges with “Male Polish,” the gateway to good manners, starting next week. – San Bernardino Sun, 1956

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Men’s Glove Etiquette

In the “bad old days” it was a capital offense to shake a woman’s hand with your glove on.

Male Polish – Good Taste Dictates Glove Etiquette

By Dot Goodwin

Dressing right is always a partly subjective proposition and in our era a lot of the old rigid “rules of dress” have been loosely treated and lightly taken. As a result, many “must” matters are now matters of taste. Take gloves. It's possible today to go gloveless and still be thought well dressed (except on formal occasions such as weddings where gloves are strictly required). Gloves, like hats, have dropped from the “necessary” to the “optional” class. But with the best-dressed men, and with those who put even a little extra time and thought into their wardrobes, both gloves and hats are indispensible throughout the winter months. 

“What gloves do I wear, and when?” Here are a few guideposts: 

Buck leather or dark gray suede gloves look best with gray or black coats. 

With a navy blue coat, pearl gray suede gloves are the ultimate in good dress. With coats in the brown group (including tan and beige), wear brown leather. In general, contrast the glove shade against that of the coat. 

For example, with a light tan or copper pepper-and-salt tweed, dark, grained pigskin gloves are in order. Note that this combination unites a casual coat with a casual leather. With a solid color or quiet herringbone topcoat, pick a more formal, smooth leather or suede. 

In the bad old days, it was a capital offense to shake a woman’s hand with your glove on. Not so today. Manners have become jet-propelled. It’s now far worse to keep a woman waiting while you shuck off your glove than to shake with it on. Nor should you apologize for a begloved shake. In truth, you're doing HER the favor by not dawdling. 

It’s unnecessary to remove your gloves when shaking a man’s hand. Indoors, you will have shed the things anyhow, leaving them with your hat. In the case of white-gloved ushers at weddings and funerals, of course, the gloves stay on. – The Sun, 1963 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia