Taking Advantage of Hospitality

Nisei is referring to a person in the United States or Canada born, to a Japanese immigrant. Evidently back in the 1930s, some Nisei born in the US, felt quite comfortable taking a handful of cigarettes from a hostess’s or host’s cigarette box, to put in their pockets for later, as opposed to just taking one at a time, much to the chagrin of their immigrant parents… 

“We have gone to social affairs where hostesses have had cigarette boxes lying around with cigarettes therein. And we have seen some Nisei open these boxes and help themselves to it without asking the hostess, or even having received her invitation to do the same. Of course, we know that the cigarettes are there for the benefit of the guests; but we hardly think that it is good etiquette for the guests to help themselves to it, when the hostess has not said, ‘Please help yourselves.’” – It was common for hosts and hostesses to have boxes of cigarettes, usually highly decorative, in their homes for guests. Like with bowls of candy, however, Etiquette dictated that one should wait until offered a cigarette before taking one, and only one, at a time. Good manners would keep most people from grabbing several at one time to stick in their pockets! – 

Above, An early 20th C. Art Deco Glass Cigarette Box and Lid by Cambridge Glass Co. As Etiquipedia does not smoke, hers is used to hold cotton swabs on her vanity tray.

In “I’m Telling You, DEIRDRE!” 

A Breach of Nisei Etiquette

While we are on the subject of Nisei manners and such, another thing comes to our mind which we cannot help mentioning. Most likely many of our young Nisei friends have noticed the common sin which we are about to mention, as well some of our hostess friends.

We have gone to social affairs where hostesses have had cigarette boxes lying around with cigarettes therein. And we have seen some Nisei open these boxes and help themselves to it without asking the hostess, or even having received her invitation to do the same. Of course, we know that the cigarettes are there for the benefit of the guests; but we hardly think that it is good etiquette for the guests to help themselves to it, when the hostess has not said, “Please help yourselves.”

Another thing which is a more glaring faux pas that we have seen some Nisei boys commit, is that one of grabbing a handful of these cigarettes and pocketing them. We are sure the hostess or host may not be stingy but it is hardly good form for the guests to “chisel” in this manner. At least, it does not look very nice to an observer on the side. 

Our readers may have seen at some time or another, a similar breach of etiquette committed with candies and other such refreshments. Our Issei elders and hosts have often commented on this to us, and we do happen to know that they are very displeased at such actions on the part of the Nisei. 

One Issei man told us that he has actually seen college students and so-called college graduates doing these things as well as the younger high school “kids.” Even if our young people are not really bad people, the Issei are very likely to judge us by these actions, and of course the impressions that we leave behind are hardly favorable.

Often we do these things because we are careless and thoughtless rather than intentional or downright rudeness. About the only thing which we can do to remedy the situation with our young people is to point out some of our shortcomings can check up on themselves. — The New World Sun, 1938

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Visiting Cards

“Yes; it seems to me that one of the most important things is the etiquette of cards. It is strange that a bit of pasteboard means so much, isn't it?”

The Rules Governing the Use of 

Visiting Cards

When, Where, For Whom to Leave Them

"ASK me anything you like," said Mrs. Wright cordially to a friend who had been puzzled over some points of etiquette.

"You are very good to help me," said Mrs. Howe. "After living out of town for some time as I have done one gets out of touch with many things."

"In town or out of town there are always certain accounts to be kept with society," answered Mrs. Wright. "In smaller towns and country neighborhoods the same general duties should be done. I don't mean to call them 'duties' only. They should be pleasures."

"But with my children to think of, I have neglected social duties or pleasures," pleaded Mrs. Howe.

"That is a natural and a frequent excuse," said her friend, "but it is not altogether fair to your husband or yourself to neglect society, and not fair to seem indifferent to your friends. Then you must remember that you have two girls. They should give you a new interest in social life."

"But they are children!" exclaimed the young mother in surprise.

Keep in Touch for the Children

"They will not always be children. They will be grown up before you realize. While they are growing up you must not drift away from social interests or customs. You must stay bright and young for the sake of your husband, children, friends and society in general."

"You are right. I am going to try to follow your example," said Mrs. Howe, gayly. Then she added, "If my girls have as good manners when they grow up as your Rosamond, I shall be happy."

"I did not intend to draw down so much flattery on my head or on Rosamond's," said Mrs. Wright, laughing.

Then she continued confidingly: "Rosamond's coming out this winter has been a joy instead of a task, because I have tried always to keep in touch with society and its ways. A girl's coming out brings up all sorts of matters for discussion, and one needs to be prepared with information."

"I see that you are having a very busy winter," said Mrs. Howe.

"Yes, a busy and delightful winter; and now that you tell me you want my suggestions I shall have another pleasure. Is there not something you want to discuss?"

"Yes; it seems to me that one of the most important things is the etiquette of cards. It is strange that a bit of pasteboard means so much, isn't it?"

The Importance of Cards

"Not when you think that cards help to unite society. We could never pay off our social debts, or even remind people of our existence, without these useful little bits of pasteboard. Cards are very often, too, the expressions of kindliness, sympathy or congratulation. After all, there is a common-sense reason about the use of visiting cards, as in most social matters. Leaving cards is a step toward renewing, friendships, forming or enlarging one's circle of friends. If one does not follow the prescribed rules it is a sure step in the wrong direction."

"How should I let my friends know that I have come back to town to live?" asked Mrs. Howe.

"You should call on all friends and former visiting acquaintances and leave your cards with your new address. In large cities where distances are great and visiting is not easy, many persons simplify matters by having a tea or a series of teas and sending out cards to that effect. This shows one's friends that one remembers them and wishes to see them, and they generally respond by calling on one of the days; but after a prolonged absence it would seem more to call on your list of acquaintances, even though you send out cards later for some special event. Everyone should try to make at least one call during the year on friends and acquaintances."

Before I forget it, please explain what is meant by leaving cards?"

Leaving Cards

"Remember always that a card is a reminder of your call and your address. One leaves a card whether the hostess is at home or not. You may leave a card on the hall table when entering the house or when going away. You may lay a card down unobtrusively on any convenient table. 

If you are told at the front door that Mrs. B is not at home, you may leave your card with the person who opens the door. Of course, one must never under any circumstances give one's card to the person on whom one is calling." "About my husband's cards-what is the custom?" asked Mrs. Howe.

"A man is not supposed to have leisure for making calls. His wife leaves his cards with her own when making a first call of the season and when calling in acknowledgment of invitations. The general rule to remember is that a woman leaves one of her cards for each lady in a family, and one of her husband's cards for each lady and for the man of the household. Yet, here is another point: it is not considered in good taste to leave more than three of one's cards at a house, even where there is a large family. 

For instance, you might be calling on Mrs. B. who has two grown daughters. Her mother lives with her. Three of your cards would include them all, and three of your husband's cards would be plenty. As a general rule, a married man's card is not left for a young girl." "How soon is a call due after an invitation?"

"Within a week after a dinner, a luncheon, a card party, a home wedding, or any evening party. It is obligatory to call whether one accepted or not." "Is it right to call after a tea or reception?" inquired Mrs. Howe.

"No, you do not call after a tea or reception, because your call is made when going to the tea. A hostess sends cards to notify her friends when she will be at home. They may go or not as they please. If they go they leave cards. If they cannot go they send cards by post on the day of the tea, and their duty is done."

At that moment pretty Rosamond came in from a walk. Seeing her mother's friend she hastened forward.

"Oh, Mrs. Howe, I am so glad to see you," she said, as they shook hands. Instead of chattering about herself the girl sat near her mother and showed by her courteous manner that she was interested in their guest,

Presently Mrs. Howe rose to go while saying to her hostess, "This friendly talk has given me new energy and courage. I am determined to try to surmount all difficulties in the social world.

Mrs. Wright and Rosamond rose and shook hands with their guest, and Mrs. Wright accompanied her to the door, saying, "Come to me as often as you wish with problems." – Fresno Bee, 1909

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette of the “Stand-Upper”

At the very last I bring forth my little surprise treat— jam tarts, whipped cream cakes, mince or apple turnovers, or one of grandma's chocolate layer cakes.

I always try to provide some little delicacy for our Sunday evening “STAND-UPPER.” The man of the house seems to enjoy that meal more than any other, for he then does some of the cooking himself. He often cooks oysters, shrimps, or even smothered potatoes in the chafing-dish, while one of the big boys makes toast. Grandmother hurries to make some sandwiches. I make some cocoa or chocolate, and the other boys bring out the necessary plates and silver—none too much either, since it is their duty to “clean up.”

We always eat this meal in our tidy little kitchen. Just before we begin, our “men folks” take a last lingering survey of the pantry, for each one is free to cater to his own fancy at this meal, and after a bit they produce their spoils. At the very last I bring forth my little surprise treat-jam tarts, whipped cream cakes, mince or apple turnovers, or one of grandma's chocolate layer cakes. I think my boys will always remember these “stand-uppers” and perhaps they will continue them in their own homes long after “Mother” has become but a memory. Who knows! —Frances Barnard, 1905

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor  for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia