Good Manners Keeps Friends

Pull yourself together, Sue! Charlie’s only removing an olive pit from his mouth.

Bad Table Etiquette Offends New Friends

Pull yourself together, Sue! Charlie’s only removing an olive pit from his mouth!

He thinks he’s especially polite, poor boy, to use that big dinner napkin as a barricade. But etiquette says, simply cover your mouth with a cupped hand and inconspicuously drop an olive pit, a fish bone or a fruit stone into it.

Don't let old-fashioned table superstitions ruin dinner dates for you. Remember unobtrusive manners are smartest. 

And take these tips:

• Table manners can make or break you socially.
• Never unfold your napkin entirely, unless it’s tea size. 
• When you use your napkin, lift only a corner to your mouth.
• If you’re dancing between courses, drop your napkin on your chair– not on the table.
• At a properly set table, begin with the silver farthest from your plate and continue in the order in which the pieces are placed.

— From the Santa Ana Journal, November 1937

 

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Napkin History and Etiquette

Napkins can properly be placed on top of plates or to the left of the place setting, but never under plates or utensils.– Image source from Reaching for the Right Fork… the evolution of tabletop utensils

The napkin has played famous parts in the fortunes of men and women. It was one of the points admired in Marie Stuart that, thanks to her exquisite breeding in the court of Marie de Medici, her table was more imposing than the full court of her great rival and executioner, Elizabeth. At the table of the latter, the rudest forms were maintained, the dishes were served on the table, and the great Queen helped herself to the platter without fork or spoon, a page standing behind her with a silver ewer to bathe her fingers when the flesh had been torn from the roasts. 

At the court of the late Empire, Eugene was excessively fastidious. The use of the napkin, and the manner of eating an egg, made or ruined the career of a guest. The great critic, Sainte Beuve, was disgraced and left off the visiting list because, at a breakfast with the Emperor and Empress, at the Tuileries, he carelessly opened his napkin and spread it over his own knees and cut his eggs in two in the middle. The court etiquette prescribed that the half-folded napkin should be on the left knee, to be used in the least obstructive manner in touching the lips, and the egg was to be merely broken on the larger end with the edge of the spoon and drained with its tip. – Philadelphia Press, 1882

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Etiquette of the Napkin is Important

Ideally speaking, a napkin is used but once between trips never used to the laundry and hence napkin rings would be unnecessary. But practically a great many persons cannot afford to do this and so the napkin ring has a perfectly legitimate place on the dining table and its use is infinitely preferable to the practice of folding the napkins in fantastic shapes as a means of identification. 

“If it is not seemly, do it not.” —Marcus Aurelius

Some people seem to think that they have learned all there is to know about managing the napkin when they have learned not to tuck it in the collar or otherwise use it as a sort of chest protector while eating.

But there is much more to the gentle art of using the napkin than that. Several hundred years ago, you know, it was the correct and altogether elegant thing to use the edge of the tablecloth for a napkin. At another period persons who knew what to do at the right time carried the napkin over the right arm when eating and, it is said, the custom among waiters of carrying a towel over the right arm dates from that time. 

At still another time in luxurious households a fresh napkin was served with each course and as the diners finished the course they let the used napkins slip to the floor so that at the end of a banquet a pile of damask lay on the floor at each place— the more bountiful the banquet the higher the pile of linen.

Now we find one napkin, simply folded at the right of our place of lying on the plate, as we sit down to dinner. We unfold it as deftly as possible and place it across our lap— “across the left knee” the strict authorities used to say. As need may require we wipe our fingers on the napkin beneath the table and occasionally raise it to our lips. 

When finger bowls are passed the fingers are dipped in the bowl, first one hand and then the other, and then wiped on the napkin. Never under any circumstances dip the napkin in the finger bowl. If we wish to wipe the lips with the water we should merely moisten the fingers, touch the lips, and then wipe the lips and fingers.

Ideally speaking, a napkin is used but once between trips never used to the laundry and hence napkin rings would be unnecessary. But practically a great many persons cannot afford to do this and so the napkin ring has a perfectly legitimate place on the dining table and its use is infinitely preferable to the practice of folding the napkins in fantastic shapes as a means of identification.

At a hotel or restaurant the napkin should never be folded after a meal but left at the right side of the place. When we take but a single meal at another person’s home we should do the same thing, but when taking more than one meal we should watch and see what others do. If they fold their napkins it would be rude for us not to do the same. When a napkin is folded do it unostentatiously as possible, never laying it out on the table and smoothing it into its original folds.

The question is sometimes asked whether or not it is in good form to serve paper napkins with refreshments at a social gathering. One would not find them at the homes of persons of means who could perfectly well afford to have damask napkins. However, since they are perfectly clean, inconspicious and conveniently answer the purpose for which napkins were invented, it would be absurd to say they were not in good form. 

Paper napkins would be in far better form at a an entertainment where the use of damask napkins would mean an extravagance on the part of the hostess. Where paper napkins are used for a supper it is best to have those that are perfectly white. — Morning Union, 1917

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Dame Curtsey on Table Manners

From earliest childhood one should be taught to sit erect at table; not to reach forward to catch a mouthful of food; not to eat fast; to have the seat at just the right distance from the table; not to put one's elbows on the table during the progress of a meal; not to toy with napkin-ring, fork, or spoon, but keep the hands quietly in the lap when not occupied in eating.

THERE is but one way to judge people by a casual glance, and that is by their knowledge of etiquette, or, as one of more gifted tongue than the writer puts it, “by the several politenesses of the time.” The little niceties of social usage should not be things apart from the every-day life, but be so moulded into the very existence that they are not realized, but are as natural as the air breathed without effort.

There should be no such thing as “company manners.” From earliest childhood one should be taught to sit erect at table; not to reach forward to catch a mouthful of food; not to eat fast; to have the seat at just the right distance from the table; not to put one's elbows on the table during the progress of a meal; not to toy with napkin-ring, fork, or spoon, but keep the hands quietly in the lap when not occupied in eating.

A man should always wait until his hostess is seated, whether that individual is his mother, sister, wife, or some grand dame of fashion. One of the greatest sins of the age is the lack of deference paid by the average man to the women of his household. The sons of the family follow closely in the footsteps of the father, and the first thing criticised by visitors from the Continent is the lack of breeding in our young Americans, girls as well as boys.

It seems dreadful to have to tell a lad of seventeen that he must rise and offer a seat to an elderly woman who stands in a crowded car, that he must see that his mother is seated before he places himself in the most comfortable chair in the room and buries his head in a book, but this is a digression from table manners. Must it be said that napkins are laid across the lap and never tucked under the chin, bib fashion? If one has to wear a bib, he should not accept invitations to dine away from home.

When a meal is finished in a café or hotel, the napkin is never folded but laid as it was used on the table beside the plate. The same rule applies when at a repast in the home of a friend, if it is for one occasion only. If one is a guest in the house, a clean napkin should not be expected at every meal in the average household, so it may be carefully folded and laid beside the plate. It is the rule in most families to have a fresh napkin at dinner, which is the most ceremonious meal of the day, and partaken of with the most leisure.

In the same category, let it here be chronicled that toothpicks are never passed at the table, and never used in public. One might just as well take out false teeth and cleanse them, or manicure one's fingers; yet these questions are asked so often that an emphatic denial seems necessary here.—From Ellye Howell Glover’s Dame Curtsey’s Book of Etiquette, 1916

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Napkin Usage

The napkin has played famous parts in the fortunes of men and women. It was one of the points admired in Marie Stuart that, thanks to her exquisite breeding in the court of Marie de Medici, her table was more imposing than the full court of her great rival and executioner, Elizabeth. 

How to Use Your Napkin at Dinner

The law of the napkin is but vaguely understood. One of our esteemed metropolitan contemporaries informs an eager inquirer that it is bad form to fold the napkin after dinner; that the proper thing is to throw it with negligent disregard on the table beside the plate, as to fold it would be a reflection on the host, and imply a familiarity that would not befit an invited guest. But the thoughtful reader will agree with us that this studied disorder is likely to be a good deal more trying to a fastidious hostess than an unstudied replacing of the napkin in good order beside the visitor’s plate. 

The proper thing is to fold the fabric with unostentatious care and lay it on the left of the plate far from the liquids, liqueurs, and coffee, and thus testify to the hostess that her care in preparing the table has been appreciated. The truth is, luxury and invention push table appliances so far that few can be expected to know the particular convention that may be considered good form in any diversified society. The way for a young fellow to do is to keep his eye open—which, unless he is in love, he can do—and note what others do. —Philadelphia Press, 1882

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Etiquette of the Napkin

A silver plated napkin ring, festooned with cherries and commemorative monograms of dates and initials. — “Napkin rings should be abandoned, or relegated to the nursery tea table.”

• A napkin should never be put on the table a second time until it has been rewashed, therefore napkin rings should be abandoned, or relegated to the nursery tea table. 
• At a fashionable meal, the guest does not fold his napkin. 
• At a social tea or breakfast, he may do so if the hostess set the example, but there is no absolute law governing that branch of the subject. 
• Never fasten your napkin around your neck; lay it across your knee, convenient to the hand and lift one corner only to wipe the mouth. 
• Men who wear a mustache are allowed to “saw” the mouth with the napkin, as if it were a bearing rein, but for ladies would look too masculine. 
• Nothing is more unpleasant than a damp napkin. 
• Never allow a napkin to be placed on your table until it has been well aired. - From Mrs. John Sherwood’s, “Manners and Usages,” 1887

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Gilded Age Etiquette Humor

During the Gilded Age, much humor was made in newspapers and magazines regarding the niceties of fine dining and wealth. Especially, those in the royal palaces and grand manor houses of the aristocracy and monarchies in Great Britain and Europe, all while a sham aristocracy was growing among the titans of industry in America.
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“The custom of drinking out of the finger bowl, though not entirely obsolete, has been limited to the extent that good breeding does not permit the guest to quaff the water from his finger bowl unless he does so prior to using it as a finger bowl. Thus, it will be seen that social customs are slowly but surely cutting down and circumscribing the rights and privileges of the masses.”

Valuable Suggestions as to the Use of the Napkin and Finger Bowl

It has been stated, and very truly, too, that the law of the napkin is but vaguely understood. It may be said, however, on the start, that customs and good breeding have uttered the decree that it is in poor taste to put the napkin in the pocket and carry it away. The rule of etiquette is becoming more and more thoroughly established, that the napkin should be left at the house of the host or hostess after dinner. There has been a good deal of discussion, also, upon the matter of folding the napkin after dinner, and whether it should be so disposed of, or negligently tossed into the gravy boat. 

If, however, it can be folded easily, and without attracting too much attention and prolonging the session for several hours, it should be so arranged, and placed beside the plate, where it may be easily found by the hostess, and returned to her neighbor from whom she borrowed it for the occasion. If, however, the lady of the house is not doing her own work, the napkin may he carefully jammed into a globular wad and fired under the table, to convey the idea of utter recklessness and pampered abandon. The use of the finger bowl is also a subject of much importance to the bon ton guest who gorges himself at the expense of his friends.

The custom of drinking out of the finger bowl, though not entirely obsolete, has been limited to the extent that good breeding does not permit the guest to quaff the water from his finger bowl unless he does so prior to using it as a finger bowl. Thus, it will be seen that social customs are slowly but surely cutting down and circumscribing the rights and privileges of the masses. At the Court of Eugenie, the customs of the table were very rigid, and the most prominent guest of H. R. H. was liable to get the G.B. if he spread his napkin on his lap and cut his egg in two with a carving knife. The custom was that the napkin should he hung on one knee and the egg busted at the big end and scooped out with a spoon. 

A prominent American at her table one day, in an unguarded moment, shattered the shell of a soft boiled egg with his knife, and while prying it apart, both thumbs were erroneously jammed into the true inwardness of the fruit with so much momentum, that the juice took him in the eye, thus blinding him and maddening him to such a degree that he got up and threw the remnants into the bosom of the hired man plenipotentiary, who stood near the table, scratching his ear with a tray. As may readily be supposed, there was a painful interim, during which it was hard to tell for five or six minutes whether the prominent American or the hired man would come out on top, but at last the American with the egg in his eye got the ear of the high priced hired man in among his back teeth, and the honor of our beloved flag was vindicated. —Bill Nye’s Boomerang, 1882

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

French Etiquette Peculiarities

Beautifully monogrammed, French Damask linen napkin – It is more universal, perhaps, than elsewhere, in families, hotels, restaurants and all places where meals are served, to furnish any person with a serviette at table. If it is a place one is in the habit of frequenting, he is expected to fold his serviette, and mark it in some way to be retained for him till he comes again, as this saves washing and such.

French Habits and Peculiar Customs?

We have no idea that our customs and habits are peculiar or different from those of anybody else till we see them described by someone to whom they are familiar. Indeed, it is more universal, perhaps, than elsewhere, in families, hotels, restaurants and all places where meals are served, to furnish any person with a serviette at table. If it is a place one is in the habit of frequenting, he is expected to fold his serviette, and mark it in some way to be retained for him till he comes again, as this saves washing and such. But if one is invited to dine once, or only occasionally, it is almost an insult to fold his serviette on leaving the table, as this is as much as to say he expects to be invited again soon.

A gentleman who did not know this custom, dined and returned home without suspecting that he had failed in any point of etiquette. The next day a servant came to tell him that dinner was waiting. “Dinner,” he exclaimed in surprise, “but I did not know that anyone expected me to dinner; I have received no invitation.” “Why, you folded your napkin yesterday.” This information only increased his amazement, as he had no idea what the act had signified. In some parts of the country it would not have been a hint that he expected to come again the next day, but only that he hoped to come soon. I was saved from such a mortification by hearing a family exclaim one day after some guests had departed: “What vulgar people; did you not see they folded their napkins.” I had not remarked it, of course, as I did not know that it was a matter of any consequence, and should certainly have done the same myself the next day, where it would have been almost a disgrace, had I not been thus put upon my guard.

On speaking of it to a lady who had been in America, she said it was a custom similar to ours of putting the teaspoon in the saucer, if one wished another cup of tea, and leaving it in the cup to call signify the contrary. Not knowing this she had been served with two or three cups of tea more than she wished the first time she had been invited among strangers to partake of this beverage, yet it never occurred to us before that it was anything peculiar. – Daily Alta, 1863

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Absurd Napkin Etiquette

A 1902 cookbook, extending its branches of information in many directions, was responsible for the following ridiculous etiquette advice; “Always pin your napkin to your dress when at dinner, that it may not fall under the table. It may be pinned so that the pin cannot be seen.” Even this young girl knew better. 

Nothing is so humorous as the writings upon etiquette, by people to whom such knowledge is a “sealed book.” A cookbook, which extends its branches of information in many directions, is responsible for the following etiquette advice; “Always pin your napkin to your dress when at dinner, that it may not fall under the table. It may be pinned so that the pin cannot be seen.” Imagine a dinner table full of men and women returning to the drawing room, each wearing a serviette apron which he or she has forgotten to unpin! —New York Times, 1902

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Table Setting Etiquette, 1934

This vintage breakfast table setting, shows how simplicity of arrangement, colors and effective selection of china may combine to make a happy beginning for the day. (Then again, Etiquipedia notes, the sugar and caffeine rush of the typical 1930’s diet, could have something to do with that happy beginning.)

Table setting is often a problem for housewives. Books of etiquette sometimes disagree sharply as to what’s proper. Sometimes it's a matter of geography, too, with the East and West far apart. For Western homes, where informality is the rule, the Safeway Stores Homemakers’ Bureau has prepared a guide. Here in outline form, are its main points: 

Table linen should be spotless. Doilies, either linen of lace, are appropriate for informal luncheons and dinners. Colored linens are used only for luncheon and breakfast. For more formal service, completely cover the table, using linen of banquet cloth or an elaborate lace cloth. This is placed on the bare, polished table and not over colored cloth. Napkins should match linen in color if not in material. Breakfast and luncheon napkins may be small, but dinner napkins should be from 18 to 20 inches square. They are placed to the left of the silver, or if the table is crowded, on the service plate. They may lay folded in a triangle for breaklast or lunch, but are usually folded very simply for dinner. If folded in rectangular shape, place with open lower corner nearest the plate. Never stand a napkin on the table. 

Table decorations should be kept simple. A centerpiece is always appropriate, but should be kept low, not obstructing the view across the table. Candles have no place on the luncheon or tea table, unless they are lighted and the room darkened by drawing the shades. Silverware, whether plate or sterling, should be kept well polished and courses should not be included in the menu if the proper silver is not available. However, it is possible to substitute for various pieces. The position of flat silver is, as a rule, one inch from the edge and vertical to the edge of the table, placing it in correct sequence as used, beginning from the outside and working towards the plate. For informal entertaining at home, not more than four or six pieces of silver (not counting the oyster fork) should be laid on the table at one time. These generally consist of knife, fork, salad fork and spoon. 

If necessary, additional pieces may be placed on the table before the course is served. Knives are laid cutting edge toward the plate, next and to the right of the plate. Spoons are placed next to the knife, bowls up and parallel with the knife, if soup is to be served, the bouillon, cream soup or large soup spoon is placed on the outside; and next, the teaspoon. Forks are placed on the left of the salad plate, tines up. If salad is served Western style (before the main course) the dinner fork is placed next to the plate and then the salad fork. If the salad is to be served with the main course, or after the main course, the salad fork is put next to the plate. The cocktail fork or spoon is placed on the cocktail plate, parallel to the other silver on the table. Through popular usage, a spoon may easily be substituted for a cocktail fork, unless serving fish. 

Silver for the dessert may be brought in on the plate or laid on the table just before it is served. The water glass or goblet is placed above the tip of the dinner knife. If other glasses are used, they are placed to the right of the water glass or in a line slanting from the goblet to the right. Bread and butter plates are placed above the tips of the forks, in line with the water glasses. Bread and butter spreader may be placed in a variety of ways, laid on the top or right side of the bread and butter plate with the blade toward the center of the plate, or diagonally across the top of the plate. Salt and pepper containers may be placed at either end of the table within easy reach of the guests; If Individual sets are used, they may be placed for each cover or between every two covers. The cream and sugar bowl may be put on the table; the latter is always filled with lump sugar if to be used for a hot beverage. If coffee is to be served only with, or after, the dessert course, the cups and saucers and creamer and sugar bowl are brought on with the course they are to accompany. — Madera Daily Tribune, 1934

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Restaurant Napkin Etiquette

“Haircut or shave, sir?” — Past toddlerhood, bibs are not allowable according to to currently accepted etiquette standards, unless one is dining on lobster in its shell and the restaurant provides special bibs, or one is dining in a theme establishment at which diners are encouraged to wear napkins tucked in at the neck.

The efficient Henry, major domo of New York’s posh Barberry Room, was pained to note that one diner, evidently unfamiliar with the etiquette of dining in high society, had tucked a big napkin under his chin, preparatory to tackling an order of goulash-with-noodles. 

How to tell the gauche fellow that he was doing the wrong thing without hurting his feelings? Henry figured out a way. He tapped the diner lightly on the shoulder and inquired politely, “Haircut or shave, sir?”

 * * * 

A customer had been trying in vain to get some service in a crowded midtown restaurant one lunchtime. Finally he beseeched the major domo, "Can't you change my table, please? I'd appreciate something nearer a waiter.” — By Bennett Cerf, Distributed by King Features, 1962

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia