Equals in Etiquette?

(Q.) “We had a party the other night and afterward my wife chided me for lighting another woman's cigarette before her own. Since the woman was a guest, I think I did the right thing.” R. T., Boston (A.) You did, technically. However, if your wife is touchy about such matters, forget the niceties and light hers first. By the way, how pretty was the guest?– Though he wrote an etiquette column, the male columnist blasting women for the downfall of men’s manners in the 1950’s, couldn’t help himself to a joke about the guest’s appearance at the end of the Q & A.

Gals Deplore His Manners!

A favorite subject with women these days is the decline of masculine manners. For all their grievances, they forget who caused the decline. Women, that's who. 

EQUAL RIGHTS Years ago Female Eternal set out to acquire equal rights. She got them, too, in politics, education, the professions. But in the process she torpedoed Chivalry. Etiquette or that part of it governing men's actions toward women, was based on the notion that girls were frailer than boys. When girls stopped acting frailer, Etiquette took a nosedive. Men, of course, still respect women and feel protective toward them; women still want to be respected and protected. 

NOT SURE: But "equality" has wrought such confusion men aren't sure what is expected of them, and women aren't sure what to expect. Take this business of lighting a woman's cigarette. Invariably, when a man wants to show off his knowledge of etiquette, he says, piously, “When using a match, never light a woman’s cigarette before your own. The fumes, you know.” He's Wrong. The fumes from modern matches are negligible. If the man lets the match burn a second, he'll neither asphyxiate her nor blunder himself. Then there's the man who, knowing not a jot else about etiquette, knows you should ALWAYS light a woman's cigarette. Seeing one emerge from a purse, he bolts 30 feet across the room to light it. He looks foolish and she feels the same way. 

IN BOTH instances the men have good intentions. True, you should spare ladies discomfort. True, you should if convenient light ladies' cigarettes (some nonsmokers, in fact, carry matches for that express purpose). HE GOOFED! Here's a draw. It's a boner, all right, light the lady's first; ask permission to smoke in cars or other closed places; forego smoking when walking with a woman; offer her a cigarette every time you have one yourself. But, unfortunately, a blurring of roles means a blurring of rules. And men, in their bafflement, either go too far, not far enough, or abandon etiquette altogether. 

IN SOME cases, alas, equality has not only confused the roles of men and women; it has reversed them. You have, as a result, those familiar types, the Henpecked Male and Domineering Female. This unhappy switch encourages, not poor manners, but no manners. Normal women don't enjoy wearing trousers. Normal men don't enjoy being Dagwoods or Walter Mittys. So the first step toward restoring normalcy, clarifying roles and rejuvenating manners, is for men to practice those amenities that distinguish the sexes. 

Q & A on P’S & Q’S 

(Q) "We had a party the other night and afterward my wife chided me for lighting another woman's cigarette before her own. Since the woman was a guest, I think I did the right thing." R. T., Boston 

(A) You did, technically. However, if your wife is touchy about such matters, forget the niceties and light hers first. By the way, how pretty was the guest? – Don Goodwin’s Male Polish, Copyright 1959

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Retro 1963 Etiquette Advice for Women

How to Sweeten Your Personality

Sugar sweetens the tempers of those around us and makes the most ordinary event or encounter seem very special. Spice is important too, because it keeps sugar from being too bland.

Each of us now and then needs to take stock of her special feminine attributes and make sure she is including enough "sugar and spice and all things nice." Sugar sweetens the tempers of those around us and makes the most ordinary event or encounter seem very special. Spice is important too, because it keeps sugar from being too bland. In my work "sweetening" and "flavoring" the personality receive careful attention.

Do you smooth your way with magic words?

Explore, if you already haven't, the sweet use of pet names. A pet name makes another person feel he or she has a special place in your life and thoughts. A pet name (and this goes for general ones such as "honey" and "darling") should be spoken only with sweetness and good feeling. When you are out of patience with the one you love and can't keep the snap out of your voice, address the person by name.

"Please," "Thank you," "I am sorry," "You have been most helpful," "Please forgive me" -- such magic words sweeten every encounter when spoken with warmth and sincerity. Failure to say such things at the right time results in ruffled tempers and strained relationships. Use these magic words consistently with your family, friends, and everyone you meet.

Intimacy should never be used as an excuse to be careless with little courtesies. And take note that "to turn a pretty phrase" is considered a priceless social asset. It is not, for example, incorrect to say, "You are welcome," when you are thanked, but there are more gracious expressions: "I was delighted to do it," or, "It was my pleasure," if you have done an errand for someone. Or, after being thanked for a present: "I am so glad you were pleased." If a stranger thanks you for something such as information, nod and smile.

Can you compliment others sincerely?

A pet name makes another person feel he or she has a special place in your life and thoughts.

Flattery is defined as "excessive and insincere praise." A compliment is based on the truth, but one may exaggerate to create a light touch. It is unkind and patronizing to give false praise; you would compliment a plain woman upon her charm, not upon her beauty. Your friends' warm personality, consideration, humor, aptitudes, and understanding are all worthy of recognition. You can say: "You are more fun than anyone I know." Or "You walk so gracefully." In complimenting, avoid "left-handed" remarks. Say "Oh, what a becoming hairstyle!" Not: "You've changed your hair." Or: "Your hair looks so much better since you've had it cut." A compliment ceases to be a compliment if it suggests any criticism.

From "Social Awareness ~Your guide to today's manners"
By Luella Cuming for Family Circle Publications, 1963