Etiquette Around the 19th C. Thrones

The Marlborough House stables alone cost the Prince of Wales $80,000 a year. Queen Victoria is a judge of pictures and a connoisseur of sculpture. Frost, Mulready and Correggio are her favorites. Kaiser Wilhelm is the only one of the three Emperors who reads the newspapers for himself. The Czar and the Emperor of Austria have a private journal of cuttings set up for them daily. 

The Russian Grand Duchesses are all handsome women. The Czar’s daughter Xenia is a copy of her Danish mother, and presents a very pretty picture with her mild blue eyes, auburn hair and clear cut, delicate features. The Empress Frederick has turned her attention to local mission work, and recently built a model hospital at Cronburg, in the Taunus, for the sick and poor of that village. The house is small, but constructed and furnished on scientific principles. 

The progressive King of Siam, in his anxiety to better the condition of his people, has taken to wandering among them disguised in plain clothes. The King must originate every reform himself, for not even his most progressive subjects would dare to commit so great a breach of etiquette as to suggest any innovations upon established customs. – Press Democrat, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

What a Queen May Not Do

Any one who wishes to send the Queen a personal poem or a communication of any kind (except a personal letter, which the poor lady isn’t allowed to have at all) must have it printed in gilt letters on one of these silk sheets with a gold fringe, just so many inches wide and no wider, all about it. These gold trimmings will be returned to him in time, as they are expensive, and the Queen is kindly and thrifty, but for the Queen’s presence they are imperative. 

Queen Victoria Denied Many Things Her Humblest Subject Enjoys

Queen Victoria, not being born a Queen, probably learned to read just like other persons. But after she became afflicted with Royalty, she found that a Queen is not allowed to have a great many privileges that the humblest of her subjects can boast. For instance, she is not allowed to handle a newspaper of any kind, nor a magazine, nor a letter from any person except her own family, and no member of the Royal family or household is allowed to speak to her of any piece of news in any publication. 

All the information the Queen is permitted to have must first be strained through tbe intellect of a man whose business it is to cut out from the papers each day what he thinks she would like to know. These scraps he fastens on a silk sheet with a gold fringe all about it and presents to her unfortunate Majesty. This silken sheet with gold fringe is imperative for all communications to the Queen. 

Any one who wishes to send the Queen a personal poem or a communication of any kind (except a personal letter, which the poor lady isn’t allowed to have at all) must have it printed in gilt letters on one of these silk sheets with a gold fringe, just so many inches wide and no wider, all about it. These gold trimmings will be returned to him in time, as they are expensive, and the Queen is kindly and thrifty, but for the Queen’s presence they are imperative. 

The deprivations of the Queen’s life are pathetically illustrated by an incident which occurred not long ago. An American lady sent her Majesty an immense collection of the flowers of this country, pressed and mounted. The Queen was delighted with the collection and kept it for three months, running over the leaves frequently with great delight. At the end of that time, which was as long as she was allowed by court etiquette to keep it, she had it sent back with a letter saying that, being Queen of England she was not allowed to have any gifts, and that she parted from it with deep regret. This passes for good nursery government in this country, but would hardly be accepted among adults, let alone Queens. - The Philadelphia Inquirer, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Queen Victoria’s Entertaining Savvy

The ambassador, having mentioned in the morning that his birthplace was Furstenberg, the Queen had recalled to mind a service of china never used, and for nine years put away and forgotten by every one but herself, which had been manufactured there, and was decorated with painted scenes of the town and its vicinity. She knew exactly where it was and how It looked, and by her order it had been produced and used at dinner—surely a very pretty attention from a royal hostess, as well as something of a feat of memory in a royal housekeeper. – An antique Furstenberg china hot chocolate pot. Furstenberg china is the second oldest porcelain company in Germany and its antique pieces are highly collectible.

Victoria as a Housekeeper 

England’s Queen Demands Good Service, but Pays Employees Liberally

The sound business capacity and marvelous memory for details which serve Queen Victoria so well in her greater office of sovereign, do not fail to render her successful also in her lesser one of housekeeper. She is the mistress of palaces, castles and country houses, and, although the actual daily housekeeping is, of course, done by deputy, the royal head of the establishment remains ever in a very real sense the mistress. She perceives immediately anything amiss, and perceives also the remedy. She is a kind but also an exacting mistress, and as she pays well, and never fails to consider a reasonable excuse, quite properly demands good service and tolerates no shirking. 

A recent little volume upon her private life relates several entertaining household anecdotes of the royal lady's ways. She has, it seems, a dislike of cold meat, which she never eats, but etiquette demands that at luncheon a side table shall stand ready, provided with cold fowl and a cold joint, no matter what daintier hot food the dining table may offer. Like every good housekeeper, the Queen knows and remembers her valuable household possessions, and is fully aware of their individual merit and the places where they ought to be kept. She does not know them all, for they number thousands, but hundreds of them she does know, and elaborate catalogues are kept of the rest—furniture, bric-a-brac, china, glass, silver, draperies, and other furnishings—by her order, and in large leather bounds books provided in accordance with her ideas. Only a small proportion of her many hundred articles for table service are actually in ordinary use, and she is in the habit of using but three of her many services of plate and china at Windsor Castle. 

But once, after a talk with the German ambassador, who was visiting her, the members of the Queen’s household were surprised on coming to the table to behold strange china set before them, each plate adorned with landscape paintings. It soon appeared that, the ambassador, having mentioned in the morning that his birthplace was Furstenberg, the Queen had recalled to mind a service of china never used, and for nine years put away and forgotten by every one but herself, which had been manufactured there, and was decorated with painted scenes of the town and its vicinity. She knew exactly where it was and how It looked, and by her order it had been produced and used at dinner—surely a very pretty attention from a royal hostess, as well as something of a feat of memory in a royal housekeeper. –Placer Herald, 1898

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Great 19th C. Social Reforms

Though Queen Victoria’s own manners were questionable at best, the period in time named for the Queen – the Victorian Era– conjures up images of gentility and gracious living. 

The following is a list of Victorian Social Etiquette and Manners:

Bowing: “A gentleman should not bow from a window to a lady on the street, though he may bow slightly from the street upon being recognized by a lady in a window. Such recognition should, however, generally be avoided, as gossip is likely to attach undue importance to it when seen by others.”

Dignity: “To greet someone by saying ‘Hello, old fellow’ indicates ill-breeding. If you are approached in this vulgar manner, it is better to give a civil reply and address the person respectfully, in which case he is quite likely to be ashamed of his own conduct.”

Small talk: “No topic of absorbing interest may be admitted to polite conversation. It might lead to discussion.”

Conduct to avoid at the ball: “No gentleman should enter the ladies’ dressing room at a ball.”

Card-playing: “If possible, do not violate the rules of the game and do not cheat. Should you observe anyone cheating, quietly and very politely call it to his attention, and be careful that you do not get excited. People who experience ill-feeling at the game should avoid playing.”

Marriage: “Anyone with bright red hair and a florid complexion should marry someone with jet-black hair. The very corpulent should marry the thin and spare, and the body, wiry, cold-blooded should marry the round-featured, warmhearted, emotional type.”

Husbands: “Always leave home with a tender goodbye and loving words. They may be the last.”

Train travel: “People with weak eyes should avoid reading on trains, and those with weak lungs should avoid talking.”

Street etiquette: “When crossing the pavement, a lady should raise her dress with the right hand, a little about the ankle. To raise the dress with both hands is vulgar and can only be excused when mud is very deep.” - From The Old Farmer’s Almanac.com

Since Victoria Was Crowned

“Great social reforms belong to Queen Victoria’s reign,” writes William George Jordan, in the Ladies’ Home Journal, narrating the progress of the world since Queen Victoria ascended the throne sixty years ago. “The degrading practice of flogging has been abolished in the armies and navies of America and England. Children are no longer permitted to work in the mines of Britain. Press gangs no longer force men into the service of the Queen’s navy. The Red Cross Society, approved by forty-nine nations, has softened the horror of war. The transportation of criminals, with its many evils, has been suppressed. Executions are no longer conducted in public. The treatment of criminals has become humane. Factory laws and building acts make life easier for the poor. 

“Inventive science has made marvelous progress in every department during Victoria’s sixty years as Queen. Cantilever bridges have surprised the world. Travel has been wonderfully quickened by street cars, cabs, trolleys, cable cars, elevated roads and other triumphs of invention. In 1837 there were no typewriters, no passenger elevators, no modem bicycles, no soda-water fountains, no horseless carriages, no chemical fire-extinguishers, no ironclads, no perfecting presses. Fully chronicling the inventive progress of the last six decades would make it seem as if nothing of real consequence to man’s comfort had been done before 1837.” –Placer Herald, 1897

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

When One Queen “Cut” Another

“If Margaret had been a person of great length and breadth of vision, of surpassing sweetness of temper or of real tact, she would have gone to see the Queen and looked her prettiest, though she would have liked to scratch her eyes out.” MEOW!!

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Queen Margaret (Margherita) was the Queen consort of the Kingdom of Italy from 1878 to 1900, by her marriage to Umberto I (Humbert). –Public domain image of Margherita of Savoy, Queen of Italy

A LADY OR A TIGER… WHICH?

Society circles as well as Court circles in Europe are seriously concerned over the Florence episode of a few days ago. It seems that Queen Victoria, who was staying at Florence for a season, received a call from King Humbert, but not from Queen Margaret, nor did the latter even send a message or a token of any sort to the Empress of India. It now turns out that this curious cut was all on account of a failure of Victoria to return a call made upon her by Queen Margaret five years ago. Time heals all hurts but those of wounded pride. Such wounds never wholly heal —in the case of women, at least. Men get over such things, but women never. It may even be doubted if time is even a mollifier of this sort of wound, with women who have abundant leisure, and therefore opportunity for reflecting upon the small, as well as, the great things of life.

We are sorry for Margaret, for the great woman knows about the particulars of what happened to her five years ago, when she went over to London to do her fall shopping. At best, most people will say it was small business not to call on so distinguished a person who had come to honor the city of Florence with her presence, whatever might possibly be urged concerning the strictest etiquette in the case. Besides, Victoria is very old, was a mighty sovereign before Margaret was through vulgar fractions, and is also about to retire forever from the gaze of the public, and deserved especial consideration on that account. 

Goethe, who spent many of his early years at Court, declared that true politeness made it important and necessary to exhibit and embellish trifles even to the building them into a system of behavior. This must often demand the finest sense of what is safest to avoid, as well as what to do, and insist upon others doing. If Margaret had been a person of great length and breadth of vision, of surpassing sweetness of temper or of real tact, she would have gone to see the Queen and looked her prettiest, though she would have liked to scratch her eyes out. Or if Humbert had occupied the place in that family that a man should occupy, he would have just dragged his wife over to call. We are sorry for Margaret. – Los Angeles Herald, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Royal Dignity and Etiquette Melted

Rare photo of Queen Victoria dining with members of her family. The Queen was well-known for her terrible table manners. It was said she could easily put away nine courses in 30 minutes.

Queen Victoria’s Dignity Melted

Just about this time, and for a month or more longer, look out for anecdotes of Queen Victoria. There promises to be a large crop of them, and many are already being harvested. Some are quite true and authentic, while more are not, but it is never a good plan to spoil a readable story because of a little question of veracity. 

One of the most recent Victorian anecdotes is told by a correspondent of the Chicago Times-Herald, who declares that Victoria has ever been very exacting in the matter of Court etiquette. When she holds a reception she always insists upon the performance of every detail of custom. Persons who are fortunate enough to be invited to Court have, therefore, to drill themselves and rehearse their parts, for fear of offending the Queen by any little neglect of manners. Now and then, however Her Majesty unbends. 

On one occasion, in very hot weather, she was receiving a line of sweltering noblemen and ladies. Everybody was suffering from the heat. The Queen turned to an attendant suddenly and exclaimed: “My! Ain't it hot!” It is Court etiquette never to contradict royalty, and the lady addressed replied: “Yes, madam, you are!” On this occasion the Queen forgot both her manners and her grammar.– Placer Herald, 1897

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Royal Row Breaches Etiquette

“According to report, previous to the ceremony and while the Queen and Prince of Wales were standing beneath the bow of one of the ships, they quarreled for several minutes. Both Queen and Prince, as the result ot their quarrel, had an apoplectic appearance when it terminated.”– The Royal Arthur - Public domain image

Queen Victoria and Wales Have a Quarrel at Portsmouth

Portsmouth, February 26th.– Great throngs of people gathered here to see the royal pageant accompanying the launching of the new warships Portsmouth and Gosport. The Queen launched the ironclads with the usual ceremonies.

According to report, previous to the ceremony and while the Queen and Prince of Wales were standing beneath the bow of one of the ships, they quarreled for several minutes. Both Queen and Prince, as the result ot their quarrel, had an apoplectic appearance when it terminated. The cause of the royal quarrel is believed to have originated in some trifling breach of etiquette. 

The two war vessels were christened “Royal Arthur” and “Royal Sovereign.” The only foreign war vessel present was the German warship Oldeborg, the flagship of Admiral Von der Coltz, who was specially commissioned by the Emperor of Germany to be present at the ceremonies as the representative of Germany's young ruler. 

The Royal Arthur is a screw cruiser of 7,700 tons, 12,ooo horse-power, and carries twelve guns. Her name was originally the Centaur, which was changed to Duke of Connaught, and finally, at the last moment, by the Queen's command to Royal Arthur. The Royal Sovereign is a screw battleship of 14,150 tons, 10,000 horse-power and carries fourteen guns. – Daly Alta, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Fancies and News of 1892

 

Parasol sachets, or cases, are long bags, made up of silk or linen, with rolls of scented wadding inside; lay into the perfumed depths, a shirr string drawn up, and the article hung up in a closet or laid up on a shelf till need it again.

A London periodical, suggesting some ideas for entertainment at garden parties, advises as a novelty a “bar of American drinks,” and includes ice cream sodas as the sine qua non of such feature. Fancy not knowing the delights of ice cream soda! England has a match before her.

Ivory with silver monograms studded with rhinestones are new and gorgeous backing for dressing table brushes.

Lady Somerset, in her zeal for the temperance cause, has descended into mines to address the toilers in the sunless depths.

Parasol sachets, or cases, are long bags, made up of silk or linen, with rolls of scented wadding inside; lay into the perfumed depths, a shirr string drawn up, and the article hung up in a closet or laid up on a shelf till need it again.– New York Times, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Meeting Servants Outside the Home

American cooking expert and teacher, Fannie Farmer, was the first cookbook author to use strict standardized measurements. Called “the mother of level measurements,” Fannie helped popularize a more scientific approach to cooking and housekeeping, and inspired doctors and nurses with her innovative teachings on convalescent diet and nutrition. Her legacy is the renowned, late 19th century, “Fannie Farmer Cookbook.” – Photo source, Pinterest

“A suburban bachelor” writes to a London periodical begging to be informed on a question of etiquette — “How to greet one’s irreproachable maid servant on meeting her as occasionally happens on the highway.” “I smile suavely,” he confesses; “so does Ann or Ellen. But they no more than myself are reconciled to an incongruous position. How do you manage, my brethren?” This question seems absurdly simple. Why not smile and nod, with or without a civil, “How d’ye do?” or “Well, ‘Ann.’ or ‘Ellen.’” as one’s amiability or temperament dictates. That salutation ought not to be too friendly, not yet too incongruous.

The discussion gives point to a recent little experience of a New Yorker. He is a suburban householder from May to November, and the other day, a week’s unpleasantness on the part of the cook of his domain terminated in an intolerable impertinence one morning, just as he was leaving the house to catch a train for the city. He stopped long enough to interfere on his wife’s behalf, and sternly dismissed the delinquent maid coming in, telling her as a final word on no account to let him find her in his house when he should come home at night. Then he caught his train, and in the press of office affairs forgot all about the mornings moil. 

As he was leaving the car in the evening, however, he saw a woman of genteel appearance, whose face was strangely familiar, waiting at the station to board an inbound train which had just arrived. As their eyes met there came over her countenance the peculiar expression, which means, ‘I don’t believe you’re going to recognize me!’ and thinking it was someone whom he knew, but could not place, he hurried forward with a cordial salutation. 

He was about to take her satchel and assist her on the train when the curious familiarity of her appearance resolved itself into identity, and he saw that she was his late-cook. “Which gave me,” he said telling about it, “the comfortable sensation one has, to be left facing the onlookers after a run down a ferry bridge, to catch a retreating boat and finding the jump too wide.” — The New York Times, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Reaping the Manners She Sowed

Maybe the heavier and dark colored clothing for the upcoming fall and winter would have fared better against this young woman’s selfishness, but light summer linens would not. – There was much dust and cinders and his light clothes and fresh linen got the benefit of all there was. He submitted to the shower for a few seconds, then took a folded newspaper and held it in front of him and close to the side of the car, so that all of the cinders that came in were blowing directly against the neck of the girl.

A little pantomime performance which was seen on an express train rushing into New York last Sunday evening, is worth recording. A young woman had opened her window, to her enjoyment, much to the evident annoyance of a young man seated directly behind her. There was much dust and cinders and his light clothes and fresh linen got the benefit of all there was. He submitted to the shower for a few seconds, then took a folded newspaper and held it in front of him and close to the side of the car, so that all of the cinders that came in were blowing directly against the neck of the girl. She edged away further and further, but uselessly, for a perfect cloud of dust and cinders settled all over her, instead of flying back on those behind her, as the open window nuisance has the right of precedent to expect. She finally could stand it no longer and put the window down; where upon the young man, having accomplished his object, shook out his newspaper, and quietly pursued his reading of it, while two or three passengers behind the pair exchanged glances of amused satisfaction. – The New York Times August, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for a Model Guest

She joins his whist table if she knows how to play; but she ought never to be obliged to rise an hour earlier than her wont…

                       

A model guest says Mrs. Sherwood never infringes for one moment on the rights of the master of the house. She never spoils his dinner or drive by being late; she never sends him back to bring her parasol; she never abuses his friends or the family dog; she is careful to abstain from disagreeable topics; she joins his whist table if she knows how to play; but she ought never to be obliged to rise an hour earlier than her wont because he wishes to take an early train to town. – The San Diego Daily Bee, 1887

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Literary Gilded Age Fad

Each guest was asked to indicate about her toilet in some way, the title of one of the bard’s plays. One woman wore on her corsage, two small pictures, each of a man, and beneath a bit of ribbon with a large a surmounted with the letters “V.E.R.” to be translated “Two Gentleman of Verona.”

A Shakespeare Luncheon is something of a novelty. At one recently, on the menu cards each dish was appropriately garnished with a quotation from the “immortal William,” and the favors were pretty sketches, executed by the young hostess, of various well-known views about Stratford-on-Avon.

In addition, each guest was asked to indicate about her toilet in some way, the title of one of the bard’s plays. One woman wore on her corsage, two small pictures, each of a man, and beneath a bit of ribbon with a large a surmounted with the letters “V.E.R.” to be translated “Two Gentleman of Verona.” Another, quickly guessed, had a full page periodical illustration of a tempest neatly fitted as a girdle across the front of her waist and belt. 

A third guest created much merriment with a little pen and ink sketch, which was attached to a chatelaine. It represented a dog and cat enjoying a meal of bones with great satisfaction. Beneath pussy was the legend “This is Julia,” which was all the clue the wearer would give. A clever girl finally shouted, “Romeo and Julia eat” and the mystery was solved.- NYTimes, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Of Manners and British Mashers

Since Victorian times, “mashers” were those who socially displayed no manners. Mashers could be male or female. And there were plenty of both. Female mashers tended to dress in masculine clothing. Male mashers dressed to the nines and were something akin to “lounge lizards” – they were smarmy and always on the make.

LONDON STREET ETIQUETTE

Home Office Aide Sets Forth the Methods of a Masher

London, Nov. 18 — It is neither insulting nor likely to cause a breach of the peace if a woman speaks on the street to an unknown man or a man speaks to a woman in a fashionable part of London, according to Sir Ernley Blackwell, legal assistant to the Under-Secretary of the Home Office. He gave evidence today at the first public sitting of the government committee to investigate the problem of street offenses. “In the West End of London,” he said, “A man merely takes off his hat to a girl and makes some passing remark. That is neither insulting nor threatening.” To this description of the methods of a London masher he added: “But the law extends in villages in the London area where the conduct may be very different.” –NYTimes, 1927

Etiquette and Adulting 101

 

When my children were little, the newest buzzword was actually a noun that was given a verb tense. I’m talking about the word “parent”. My “dyed in the wool English teacher” mother-in-law was aghast at the way the noun was being used. Even I have caught on and talk about parenting!! But one word I’ll never use in a sentence to describe an action is the word “adult”. Sorry, but adult is a noun. Making it into a verb is just plain silly, if you ask me. With that in mind, my post deals with how our adult children can mature (not adult) into well, adulthood!!

Not RSVP’ing

A little French phrase that means “Respond, please”. The Host wants to know in a timely fashion if you are planning on attending or not. Don’t leave him/her in suspense or having to track you down for a response. Within 24 hours, you know if it’s doable or not.

Being Late

Even if it’s 10 minutes, let the person know when to expect you. I’ll let you in on a hint. If your job interview is scheduled for 10:00 am and you arrive at 10:00 am then consider yourself late. Plan to arrive at least 10 minutes early. This rule definitely doesn’t apply to a dinner party, though. Ten minutes late is considered arriving on time!! Got that??

Arriving to a Party or Event Empty-Handed

Coming to an event with a bottle of wine or some flowers is considered good manners. While we’re on the subject, refrain from bringing an elaborate dessert for a dinner party, though. The Host may not appreciate your culinary efforts especially if wasn’t discussed before-hand. And don’t even think of taking the wine home if it wasn’t opened. That bottle is for the exclusive use of the Host to be opened at his/her leisure.

Not Knowing How to Greet Someone

An important skill that seems to be lacking in your age group is affability – the natural way of greeting and being interested in other people. The smartphones have robbed you of this ability but that doesn’t mean it’s not very important both from a personal & professional standpoint. One way to get better at greeting people is to practice eye contact. Look ‘em in the eye and say, “Hi”. While we’re on the subject, make your phone disappear while with that person. You send a wrong message to that person if you don’t.

Not Saying ‘Please’ or ‘Thank You’

Basic good manners isn’t stuffy or stodgy. “Please”; “Thank you”; “You’re welcome”; “Excuse me”; “I’m sorry. Please forgive me” are not out of date, trust me. Think of these phrases as the language of friendship…honoring & respecting people. As the saying goes, people may not remember what you say but they sure remember how you make them feel.

Gossiping

You might think it’s no harm to spread that odd juicy tidbit of information about someone but you would be dead wrong. Gossip is a toxic behavior that kills relationships and destroys trust between people. Never let anything unkind ever be said about another person in your hearing. Stand up for that person who is being gossiped about. You would want someone to do that for you. Remember the Golden Rule??

Talking Exclusively About Yourself

Our society has become conspicuously narcissistic. Everything centres around ourselves instead of others. A way to combat this bad habit is to make all conversations about getting to know the other person. Don’t worry…you will have your chance to talk about your plans or dreams but if you don’t show interest in the other person, they won’t show interest in you. Makes sense, right?

Rejecting Compliments

If someone gives you a compliment, don’t insult by saying they don’t know what they’re talking about. If you receive a compliment, then respond simply with “Thank you, that’s very kind” instead of “No, not really. I’m actually not that brilliant”. You get the idea??

Not Sending Thank You Notes

This is a pet peeve of mine. Please send Thank you notes to those who have taken the time to provide a gift or service to you. Show appreciation!!

Posting Your Entire Life Online

Not only is this a total waste of time, I would like to say that obsessing about your online social media presence actually leads to high levels of depression & anxiety. Don’t forget that university registrar officers; prospective hiring managers; even your future mother-in-law are all checking you out!! Think that less is more!! Less screen time means more healthy mind/body pursuits leading to healthier friendships.

Discussing Important Things via Text

Texting is fine for short; immediate relaying of information. “Hey, I’m in front of the mall by the Bay”. But if all of your communication happens in the texting sphere, dimes to donuts, your text messages are misinterpreted because of the lack of body language & voice inflection that’s needed for clarification. Get in the habit of meeting people face to face and less with the phone in your face.

Not Returning Calls or Responding to Emails

Nothing says “you don’t matter to me” louder than not responding to calls or emails. Is this a message that you want to convey? I didn’t think so. Generally, never let more than one day elapse before responding even if you don’t have the answer for the person. Let them know that and when you should have their answer ready. It’s just good manners treating others the way we want to be treated. That’s the Golden Rule, in case you didn’t know.

By Canadian Contributor and Civility Coach, Maria Doll ~ An etiquette authority, Maria has been conducting personal consultations, workshops, camps and seminars for children, teens and young adults since 2009. Her etiquette program and company Leadership Matters has been featured in print, radio & television media including articles in Entrepreneur Mom Now and in Culinaire Magazine. Her civility program has been featured in the Calgary Herald, Calgary Sun, Metro – Calgary, CBC – Radio & Television, CTV and Global TV.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Those in Mourning

Of course, people in deep mourning are not invited to dinners or luncheon.

Should You Send Invitations to Those in Mourning?

A not unnatural hesitancy is experienced by many people about sending invitations to those who are in mourning. Of course, one would not send invitations within a week or two after a death, and people in deep mourning are not invited to dinners or luncheons. But cards for weddings and large entertainments should be sent. They serve as a token of kindly remembrance and compliment, and it will be appreciated as such.– San Diego Daily Bee, 1887

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Roman Era Dining in Today’s Italy

The Romans drank lots of wine, and people in Rome could choose from around 200 types which were made all over the Empire. Wine was often spiced, or sweetened with honey, and it was usually diluted with water -- drinking it undiluted wasn't considered respectable. In the early days of the Republic, women were forbidden to drink wine, but during the Empire this rule was dropped. Other popular drinks included grape juice and goat's milk, and people could also drink water from public fountains.

For we Italians, food is not just a source of sustenance, behind it there is a deep and rooted culture over the centuries. Street food has always been essential for travelers who walked the streets of our country since Ancient Rome. At the time, the Romans used to eat their meals standing up, quickly, stopping in places overlooking the street. Important remains of these structures remain in Rome and Pompeii. In the city destroyed by the eruption of 79 A.D., more than 200 have been identified. This is not surprising considering that, from the archaeological excavations it appears that very few houses were equipped with kitchens, for this reason almost all were forced to go to the many “restaurants” present along the city streets.

The thermopolia or popinae and the cauponae were the places where, at the time, soups, meats, fish, dried fruit were prepared, all food that was then sold to patrons. Often these places were associated with hotels that hosted travelers. The structures, some still visible in Pompeii, were composed of a counter that contained the dolia, large containers in which food was stored and on one side, on the other hand, other vases were arranged, containing other dishes and a fire to heat them, if necessary. They were real stalls selling food, just like the ones you happen to find in the streets of our cities for parties or festivals. An invention, that of “street food,” which is ancient, but still very current.

Contributor, Eva Sorribas Costantini, was born in Barcelona Spain, but currently lives in Rome Italy. She is a graduate of La Sapienza University of Rome, specializing in in the courses of Etiquette, Good Manners and Costume Paths, Ceremonial, Protocol and Institutional Etiquette. She has performed Basic and Advance courses in Etiquette and Good Manners at the Accademia Italiana Galateo in the city of Rome, and has studied British Etiquette, English Afternoon Tea, Social History of Tea and Colonial Drinks. She also worked in the luxury retail fashion sector in window dressing, image consultancy and fashion history. Her expertise is in the history of dress code and court dresses with a focus on the psychology of fashion, gender identity, body, image and symbolism of color.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Teens and Communication

 

The end of the school term is quickly approaching in some regions while other places already have had children and youth home for the past month. This time of year can be angst-filled especially if you have teens who would prefer not to rise before 1:00 pm every day. Yet you know sleeping away the summer probably won’t be formative towards their maturing into adulthood. Heck, you’d even just like them to be reasonably sociable with the family during daylight hours!! Have you considered encouraging them to volunteer or even to sport an entrepreneurial idea of service in the neighborhood?

Some key benefits for the youth will pay in spades for their future. With the increase of screen time, there is a serious concern that young people won’t be able to communicate effectively face to face. In the not so distant past, teens would come to the house and greet the parents. Then hang out with friends in the backyard or play ball at the school playground. Nowadays, most of the time is actually spent being “sociable” on social media platforms or constant texting with virtual friends. There’s very little honest to goodness face to face anymore. It’s really quite frightening!!

An antidote to this challenging situation are summer jobs including volunteering!! In the 1980s, 70% of teens (age 16 to 19) had summer jobs. This number has declined yearly and in 2010 it reached 43% and has stayed about the same since (Bureau of Labor Statistics). Summer employment means that youth and adults are interacting together. These early working experiences prepare youth for being adept at communicating with people of all ages. This is a key skill that many hiring managers see very little of in the under 30 yr old set of new hires.

A partial list of summer work examples could include:

• Babysitting
• Coffee shop
• Volunteer at a camp
• Dog walking
• Helping seniors at retirement homes with their computers

Granted, this age group of 13-15 yrs old may have more difficulty in finding paid employment. With a little ingenuity, they could find odd jobs at home or for family friends and relatives.

Now that some time will be set aside for these activities each day, it’s a good idea to role-play through the basic pointers of meeting new people that is getting lost because of those pesky gadgets.

Master the handshake…

• Stand up
• Eye contact
• Smile
• Shake hands by reaching for the web of the other person’s hand, gently squeeze
• Say “Hello, my name is Susan” the respond with “Very nice to meet you, Kyle”

Art of conversation

This can be difficult because of a natural shyness. Teach them to realize that every conversation that they have with someone (especially an adult) is a connection with another human being. This is very enriching.

• Have a list of conversation starters according to the age of the person – for instance, movies; books; summer holiday plans;
• “Who; What; Where; When; How” questions are good standbys
• Eye contact is crucial
• Develop those listening skills – lean in; nod; smile…be interested in what the other person is saying

Polite Cellphone Manners

The cell phone should be out of sight when talking to an adult especially if that adult is a parent of the child(ren) one is babysitting.

• Obey the 10 foot rule – refrain from talking on the phone if there is another person within earshot
• Silent at the library; movies; live theatre; religious services
• Never answer a text when talking to another person in front of you
• Be master of the phone instead of the other way round. Try not touching the phone for 20 minutes, then one hour…maybe even the whole day

By Canadian Contributor and Civility Coach, Maria Doll ~ An etiquette authority, Maria has been conducting personal consultations, workshops, camps and seminars for children, teens and young adults since 2009. Her etiquette program and company Leadership Matters has been featured in print, radio & television media including articles in Entrepreneur Mom Now and in Culinaire Magazine. Her civility program has been featured in the Calgary Herald, Calgary Sun, Metro – Calgary, CBC – Radio & Television, CTV and Global TV.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia