Good Manners Not Just for Wealthy

Elizabeth Post was the granddaughter in-law of etiquette author, Emily Post and Emily’s first family successor.

My column this week is Inspired by the following letter. Mrs. Gold of Pittsburgh, Pa. has been awarded a copy of Emily Post’s Etiquette for her prize-winning letter of the week.

Dear Mrs. Post: I have learned so many things from your column. But sometimes I wish there were answers that would not make the poor or low middle-class people feel left out. Many people in my class would like to do the appropriate thing also. We just don't have china, silver, linens and crystal to entertain our guests with.

I have three daughters and want them to be gracious hostesses as they grow. Why don't schools teach more about etiquette? Many students know very little about how to set a table, fold their napkin on their lap, eat at a restaurant, etc… These are all so important to know in order to feel at ease as a hostess, or in a public eating place. I hope that by the time our daughters are in school more etiquette will be taught. -Catherine Gold

Dear Mrs. Gold: If I have given the impression that etiquette is only for the rich, I have failed in putting across my most important message, that good manners, not etiquette, are not a matter of having but a matter of doing and being.

If I talk about china and crystal, it is generally because someone has asked specifically about those things. The person who can live graciously with few material luxuries, who can make a charming home or entertain pleasantly without spending beyond his means deserves far more credit than the one who can afford to pay for all the help, the expensive foods, and the elaborate decorations he wants. No Sterling?

When I discuss elaborate parties or situations I hope that readers will recognize and adapt those elements which are not out of their reach to their own situation. You need not have sterling silver and fine crystal to set a lovely table, but by knowing the correct placement of those things, your own table, set with plastic or crockery, can be as lovely, as imaginative, and in as perfect taste as that of Mrs. Gotrocks.

I know many wealthy men who are not gentlemen, and I know many women with barely a cent to their names who are ladies. In both cases it is their manner and their attitude toward others and themselves which makes them what they are. Etiquette is not a matter of material things; it is a matter of what you have made of yourself, with the help of, or in spite of, your environment.

Are Manners Out of Style?

This answers the question I am asked so often - “is etiquette still important is it relevant in our world today?” Of course it is. Manners, which are outward sign of a person who has self- respect and is considerate of others, must change to keep up with the times, and those which are discarded must be replaced by newer, more appropriate ones. But the need is still there. Manners are still the guideposts to gracious living, and a knowledge of how to behave still gives one self-confidence, security, and self-respect.

I, too, wish that etiquette were taught in the schools. Many parents have abdicated their responsibility in teaching their children basic good manners, and if they are not taught at home, where will they receive such instruction? The number of letters I receive from teenagers is evidence of the lack of instruction they get at home. If their parents had taught them the most rudimentary principles of etiquette, they would surely not go to the trouble of writing to a columnist for information on their social problems.

Unfortunately, schools are invariably so pressed for money and teachers that they are loathe to start any courses they do not consider essential. And I have yet to find a principal who considered the subject more than a desirable adjunct to other teaching, but far from essential. Possibly if this attitude were different they would be paid off by less vandalism, better teacher- pupil relationships, and more cooperation and obedience to rules.

Manners in School

As parents, there is only one thing we can do, and that is to talk to teachers and to principals in our children's schools. If it is not possible to have a separate class in etiquette, it is not impossible that teachers in the younger grades could incorporate “manners” into many of the other subjects they teach. Some do, to be sure, but they are few and far between.

I would also like to see educational films on manners shown, and this, too, has been discussed a great deal. Television has finally incorporated some of this into the delightful and educational show, “Sesame Street.” Again, it is lack of funds which has prevented these films from being made and shown.

So, mothers, let us unite. If enough of you would like to see more etiquette taught in schools and through TV, write to me and tell me your ideas about it. If you provide me with enough ammunition, enough proof of the need, we might conceivably bring an influence to bear on those who could promote a “good manners” revolution. – By Elizabeth Post of the Emily Post Institute, 1970

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Elizabeth Post Dining Etiquette Quiz

“Your date has been taking you to the local dairy bar for weeks, and all of a sudden his Uncle Joe sent him a birthday check, and he’s asked you to go to an elegant restaurant for dinner!” –
At Etiquipedia, we’re guessing a ‘dairy bar’ was a regional term for an old-fashioned ‘malt shop.’

Nervous about dinner date? 

Take this dining etiquette quiz by Elizabeth Post!

Your date has been taking you to the local dairy bar for weeks, and all of a sudden his Uncle Joe sent him a birthday check, and he’s asked you to go to an elegant restaurant for dinner! Are you nervous, or do you know your restaurant manners so well that you will be relaxed and self-assured? Answer the questions below.

If you get more than eight right, your evening will be fun because you’ll be confident that you are “doing the right thing.” Six to eight means you may have a bad moment or two, and a score of below six indicates that you had better bone up.

Questions

1. When you are served soup in a cup with two handles, do you 

(a) eat the soup with a spoon? 

(b) pick up the cup? 

2. When game hen, asparagus or a creamed dish is served on toast, do you 

(a) take the entire serving, toast and all? 

(b) leave the toast, taking only the food on top of it? 

3. If a waiter brings a finger bowl, do you 

(a) dip your finger tips in and dab your lips? 

(b) dip the corner of your napkin in to clean your mouth? 

4. When you need to push food onto your fork, do you 

(a) use your thumb? 

(b) Use a dry piece of bread? 

5. If there is no saucer for your iced tea glass, do you 

(a) leave the spoon in the glass? 

(b) lay the spoon down on the table? 

6. At the end of the meal do you 

(a) fold your napkin back as it was? 

(b) lay your napkin in loose folds on the table?

 7. If you happen to drop your fork on the floor, do you 

(a) ask the waiter for a clean one? 

(b) pick it up, wipe it off, and use it? 

8. If there is no ash tray on the table, do you 

(a) ask for one? 

(b) use the edge of your dinner plate? 

9. When you are served a pot pie in an individual casserole do you 

(a) eat from the dish it is served in? 

(b) serve some onto your dinner plate? 

10. If your choice of entrée includes a delicious gravy, do you 

(a) use a spoon to get up the last drop? 

(b) break small pieces of bread into the gravy and eat it with your fork? 

Answers

1.   (b) As soon as the soup is cool enough, pick the cup up by both handles. 

2.   (a) 

3.   (a) 

4.   (b) If you have no bread, use your knife. 

5.   (a) Or you might remove it and rest the bowl of the spoon on your butter plate. 

6.   (b) 

7.   (a) 

8.   (a) 

9.   (b) If a serving spoon is not provided, ask for one. 

10. (b) 

             

                   —By Elizabeth Post, 1968

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Evolving Etiquette and the Posts

In 1969, publishers Funk and Wagnalls came out with a replica edition of Emily Post’s 1922 book, “Etiquette” for $10.00– for $6.95, they also came out with Elizabeth Post’s revised 12th edition of the same book. A writer compared the two books. – Photo above, Elizabeth Post, circa 1969

Emily Post’s first edition of “Etiquette” vs Elizabeth Post’s updated, twelfth edition of the same book. What has changed since 1922?

Nearly fifty years have passed since Emily Post's first published guide to good manners, but her basic world of etiquette and the underlying reasons for it, live on. It's not the same etiquette to be sure the bewildering world of valets, footmen, chaperones, finger bowls and P.P.C. cards and the rules associated with them, have disappeared as times have changed. What has remained is the idea that etiquette is good manners, “a goal that can be achieved only by making consideration and unselfishness an integral part of your behavior.” 

Comparing the index of Emily Post's first edition which appeared in 1922 with the 12th revised edition, updated in 1969 by Elizabeth Post (the wife of Emily's grandson) shows how informal American living has become. In the original, the topic “Informal Entertaining” is not even included in the index: the only mention along this line is to a “House Party in Camp.” In contrast, seventy-nine pages of the current edition are devoted to “Informal Entertainment,” including cocktail parties, picnics, showers, buffets, etc. No longer are we concerned with the rules for bowing; the sole reference to bowing deals with “bowing to the President of the United States.” Today two pages are devoted to butlers; the 1922 edition contained twelve pages on butlers and three on footmen. It's particularly amusing to compare the Post's pronouncements on the correct way to treat social situations of the day: 

MONEY MATTERS “Everyone has at some time been subjected to the awkward moment when the waiter presents the check to the host ... to avoid this transaction people who have no charge accounts should order the meal ahead, and at the same time pay for it in advance, including the waiter's tip.” 1st edition – “When everyone has finished his meal, the host catches the eyes of the waiter or headwaiter and says, ‘The check please’ He looks at it, checks it quickly for mistakes and returns it to the plate with the necessary money . . .” 12th edition.

LADIES TRAVELING “On a railroad train, if a stranger happens to offer to open a window for her, it does not give him the right to more than a civil ‘thank you.’ If, in spite of etiquette she should on a long journey drift into conversation with an obviously well-behaved youth, she should remember that talking with him at all is contrary to the proprieties.” 1st edition – “On a long journey if you happen to sit next to or near the same person on the dining car for a number of meals, it is extremely unfriendly to sit in wooden silence.” 12th edition.

CHAPERONS “The conventions of propriety demand that every young woman must be protected by a chaperon, because otherwise she will be misjudged. A young girl never goes even to an unmarried doctor's or a clergyman's (unless the latter is very elderly) without a chaperon who in this instance may be a semi elderly maid.” 1st edition – “From an ethical standpoint the only chaperon worth having in the present day is a young girl's own efficiency in chaperoning herself. The girl who has been taught to appraise every person and situation she meets needs no one to sit beside her and tell her what to do.” 12th edition.

To many people, particularly to the younger generation, even the 12th edition may seem a bit stilted and formal. Because of Elizabeth Post's reluctance to leave anything out, the modern edition, too, becomes amusing. For instance under the heading “Smoking in Public” we are told that it is taboo to smoke on the dance floor. “Not only does it look unattractive but there is a very real danger of burning your partner or his or her clothes.” Really, isn't this just common sense? That's what etiquette is all about. – Arleen Abrahams for the Santa Cruz Sentinel, 1969

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Elizabeth Post on Strained Relations

Even Elizabeth Post wasn’t this neurotic over how a table should be set!

Doing the Right Thing: What to say when everything goes wrong

Dear Mrs. Post: How do you word a thank-you note for a visit, when you know you were not welcome? We visited my husband’s brother for the first time. We stayed three days. The two brothers are very close and we have always enjoyed their visits. Our sister-in-law was always prompt in writing us a warm thank-you note. I liked her and thought she liked me. Their home was considerably more impressive than ours, the poor girl was a nervous wreck having us there. Things were quite pleasant, though strained. Our last evening there, I was setting the dinner table I put the forks on the paper napkins, as there was a slight breeze, I didn’t have all of the napkins folded towards the plate. I noticed a frown and asked if I was all wrong. Oh boy, was I wrong! 

She got out her book of Etiquette and read to me. She informed me she wanted her table set properly, and she also wanted her guests to use proper table manners. After a few more words about the neighborhood they live in and the people they are accustomed to associating with, she left the room crying. After a few minutes she came back and everything was fine. When we left the next morning, we sent a plant to their home with a thank-you note. Upon our arrival home we found a thank-you card from her for the plant. An added note said, “we wish we could have made you people more comfortable.” How do I answer this in order to smooth things for the two brothers? Shall I write and rave about her lovely home and exclusive neighborhood (as I know she wants me to)? I know I cannot write a warm, sincere letter. Yet, I am the one that upset her. How do I go about making amends? —Gladys

Dear Gladys: Although you thought that things were “pleasant, though strained.” apparently your sister-in-law didn't. There must have been something more to upset her then Just the way you placed the napkins. If you truly don’t know what it could be, I would write quite frankly and ask her. Do tell her how much you enjoyed her lovely home and hospitality. If the trouble was really caused by your table setting, I feel she is at fault. No unimportant detail is worth such an outburst. Whether one is a pleasant, helpful guest, as you apparently were, is far more important than what fork you need or how you placed the napkin! – By Elizabeth Post, 1968

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Elizabeth Post’s Wedding Etiquette

Wedding etiquette... one of society's most perennial problems

By Elizabeth Post

Details...

Dear Mrs. Post: Who has the right to plan the wedding reception details, such as number of guests’ to invite, planning for decorations and food, etc.? It has been a question between mother and daughter. —Laura

Dear Laura: Although I don’t like putting it on that basis, it is the bride’s right to make the decisions. It’s her day, not her mother’s, and while they should consult with each other, of course, the final decisions should be the bride’s

Wedding Cake

Dear Mrs. Post: Is there a rule that says the wedding cake should be a fruit cake for a formal wedding, and a white cake for an informal wedding? —Linda 

Dear Linda: No, there’s no such rule. Years ago the wedding cake was traditionally dark fruit cake. Nowadays, even at the most formal wedding, it is a white or yellow cake with white icing. There may be, in addition, a “groom’s cake” which is dark fruit cake. This is generally cut into small portions in advance and packaged in small white boxes to be given to the guests “for good luck.”

Turtleneck? No!

Dear Mrs. Post: What do you think of a prospective bridegroom who plans to wear a turtleneck shirt with a tuxedo at his wedding? —Ellen 

Dear Ellen: I don’t like it. A wedding is one place where tradition is most important. I imagine that a wedding picture of a groom in a turtleneck will come back to haunt him years from now, just as we laugh at pictures of brides in flapper outfits of the twenties. The traditional bridal gown and the tuxedo with shirt and tie will never look out of style. 

Wedding Presents 

Dear Mrs. Post:Yesterday, I received from a bride of three weeks my wedding gift to her, with a note reading, “Since our marriage was only temporary, I feel obliged to return your lovely wedding present.” I know she was right. I know that all wedding gifts are given for the couple’s married life, and should this state not be realized, the present must be returned. But, on the other hand, wasn’t I on the receiving end at the wedding reception? Couldn’t the bride keep my gift? —Marion 

Dear Marion: The girl was right in her thoughtfulness, but wrong in her action. Wedding gifts need not be returned, no matter how brief the marriage. The exceptions are presents to her from the groom himself, or presents of particular sentimental value given to them both from his family. These should be returned. – Highland Park News, June 1968

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipediag tiquette Encyclopedia

Profiles in Etiquette – Elizabeth Post

                               

Etiquette writer and authority, Elizabeth L. (Libby) Post, was the wife of Emily Post’s only grandson, (Bill) Post. It was Elizabeth who took over as the spokesperson and author for The Emily Post Institute in 1965, five years after Emily Post’s death in 1960. 

Born in Englewood, New Jersey, and educated at the Dobbs Ferry Master’s School, She was the first successor to Emily Post’s family business, working for more than 30 years on behalf of The Emily Post Institute. During her tenure as author and spokesperson, Mrs. Post revised and updated Emily Post’s book “Etiquette” five times from 1965 to 1992.

Along with helming the company throughout the sweeping social changes of the 1960’s and 1970’s, Post authored many other books, all under the “Emily Post” name. The books were frequently revised, and included “Emily Post’s Complete Book of Wedding Etiquette,” “Emily Post’s Wedding Planner,” “Emily Post’s Table Manners for Today,” “Emily Post on Business Etiquette,” “Emily Post on Second Weddings,” “Please, Say Please,” “The Complete Book of Entertaining” with co-author Anthony Staffieri, and “Emily Post’s Teen Etiquette” with co-author Joan M. Coles.                 

Along with her books, she wrote a monthly column for Good Housekeeping magazine entitled “Etiquette for Everyday” and even created and marketed a line of “Correct Cosmetics” sold in small department stores nationwide, which included face powder, lipsticks, scents and more. She gave hundreds of media interviews annually and frequently appeared as a guest speaker across the country. She enjoyed an active outdoor lifestyle and traveling with her husband, and divided her time between their homes in Florida and Vermont. Post retired in 1995 and passed away 15 years later, in April of 2010.

Doing the Right Thing 

By Elizabeth L. Post, 1968

Expressions of Sympathy

Dear Mrs. Post: I often encounter a situation which I find very awkward. What does one say to a girl or boy whose brother is leaving for Vietnam? What does one do if the boy or girl begins to show signs of crying? M.H.

Dear M.H.: This is a situation we are all facing more and more. The best answer is to say little, especially if the other person is very emotional. A word or two, such as "Wish him good-luck for me," or "Tell him we'll be thinking of him,” or possibly "I hope the year will pass quickly for you. I will remember him in my prayers,’’ is enough to indicate your sympathy.

Corsage for Godmother

Dear Mrs. Post: I will be married soon and I would like to get a corsage for my godmother. When I was baptized my godparents weren’t married, now they are, but not to each other. Do I have to get a corsage for my godfather’s wife, too, or just for my godmother? Ellen

Dear Ellen: You need not give your godfather's wife a corsage, but since you are giving your godmother one, I would suggest that you give your godfather a boutonniere.

 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia