Compassion, Courtesy and Physical Ailments

 Supporting Friends with Physical Ailments

Physical ailments can be difficult to deal with for those who suffer from them.  But when a disease is more obvious, or even embarrassing, it can really take its toll.

When the person suffering is a friend or someone close to you, of course you want to be supportive and helpful.  But how do you do this without overstepping boundaries?

Just Be There

Sometimes, the simple gift of your time is enough to lift spirits.  Especially if you join in an activity that offers your loved one a mental vacation from the illness.

Perhaps a movie, a card game, board game or, if possible, a walk in the park or at the beach.

Your time spent together doesn't need to include conversation about your friend's disease, unless she wants to discuss it.  In the meantime, target pleasant topics that the two of you enjoy.

What to Say - Or Not

When someone chooses to discuss his illness, listening is key.  He may not be asking for sympathy, just a sympathetic ear.

Realize the problem may be causing pain, discomfort, and embarrassment.  So don't stare, ask prying questions, or give unsolicited advice.  

Avoid saying something that suggests you know what your friend is feeling unless you truly know from experience.  If she describes her bout with Crohn's Disease or colitis, she probably isn't interested in hearing you compare that to your recent stomach virus.

And if someone makes a joke about his own condition, you don't necessarily need to join in.  He may be covering his embarrassment or sensitivity about his physical ailment and your joining in could ruin his cover.  In your friendliest of ways, let him have his joke then move the conversation forward.

People who are suffering do not want to be corrected if they eat something you don't think is good for them.  Unless you are a caregiver, keep those opinions to yourself.  However, if you are very close, tell the person you have a subject to bring up and ask permission to do so.  Choose a quiet, relaxed time.  And do your best not to be discouraging.

When your advice is requested, and you feel up to the task, give it in a caring, authentic manner.  You have been trusted to do so.

“… my youthful passion for exploring the possibilities of my life have been humbled and now,  four decades later and post 22 years of trembling from what is called Parkinson's Disease, the lines between fear and respect have become blurred…” –  A former student

When Out and About

Those suffering from physical ailments may want or need to shop, work, do errands, or go out for social enjoyment. They may want to be just with you.  

If you are out with a group of people who do not know about your friend's illness, there is no reason to say anything unless it's obvious that something is wrong at the time.

Don't ask someone who is ill to do something she can't, but don't assume you know her limits.  Let her be the guide.  For example, if you are out shopping and your loved one says she needs to take a break, act immediately to honor the request.  Find a bench or nearby cafe where you can sit and rest for a while.

If a person asks for assistance, of course give it, but don't offer unless asked.  Or when help is obviously needed ask, "How can I help?" or "What's the best way I can help?"  It may be that you need say nothing and simply take a swift action, like swiping a ream of paper off a high shelf when your coworker in a wheelchair is refilling the paper in the printer.

The Rules of Common Courtesy Should Always Be Applied

Avoid judging or seeming fearful of someone who has an obvious condition, but also avoid over-sympathizing.

Don't hold back from being your friendly, cheerful self.  Sharing a smile, or a little laughter, may be the best of medicines!  

And the bottom line: always treat others as you would want to be treated.

Contributor Candace Smith, teaches university students and professionals, the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Compassion and Dementia

Talking with People Who Are 
Living with Dementia

Around 55 million people worldwide are living with dementia, according to the World Health Organization. Many of us know someone who either has some form of dementia or cares for someone who has it.

A good friend who lives in an assisted care community suggested I cover the topic of speaking with someone who has a memory disease. She finds that persons living with dementia are sometimes disregarded, perhaps because, as one person explained to her, “They’ll forget anyway.”

Back to Basics

My friend offered these polite tips for communicating with a memory-challenged person, and they happen to be at the core of every good communication.

• Maintain eye contact and sit as close as possible without invading the person’s space.
• Wear your smile along with a relaxed facial expression. 
• Be patient and let the person finish their thought. If they falter, interrupt only to say, “And you were telling me about …”
• If someone forgets where they are or that their loved one is gone, go along by saying something like
  “Mom, when Dad was alive you used to tease him about his jokes. You always said that he made the silliest jokes.”
  “Jackie, last week you told me there are several good things about living here. Let’s see, what did you say that happens here that makes you smile?”

Principles of Kindness for Someone Living with Dementia

Cognitive and memory illnesses are most often chronic and progressive, so those who have them are aware of the challenges they are experiencing. This knowledge creates anxiety and many times social withdrawal as well.

When spending time with someone who has this type of disease, or even meeting them when out and about, the key is to be kind and to do your best to meet them where they are. 

• Always speak in a respectful tone of voice.  People with dementia often are uncomfortable as they experience stress within their forgetfulness. 
• Anticipate the repeating or revisiting of questions or thoughts.  Try bringing up the subject or question that you already know will be posed. 
  “Grandma, tell me again about when you were little and used to teach school.” 
  “What is your favorite question to ask me when I visit you?”
• Listen and be present and available.  Letting a loved one know you are there by validating that you want to hear and understand what they are saying. 
  “Grandpa, I am here and am ready for a hug anytime you like. Tell me more about what you’ve been thinking.”
• Acknowledge emotions.  When someone is losing a sense of their ability to express thoughts and memories, they may become upset and even angry.  If an unreasonable demand is made, focus on the feeling. 
  “Jonny, I hear you saying you don’t want to live here. It must be very frustrating to wake up and not know where you are.”
• Divert with positivity.  “Dad, I understand that you are sad. I get sad when you are sad.  Let’s head down to the community room and you can show me the week’s activity calendar and we can go through those together.”

Arguing with or correcting a person with dementia is off limits. “Yes, Mary, I understand you feel that way,” is a good way to offset a challenging moment. Those of us on the other side can remind ourselves that for someone living with dementia, thirty years ago may be closer than thirty minutes ago.

 

Contributor Candace Smith, teaches university students and professionals, the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia