Etiquette: As the Table Turns

The hostess does at all times keep an ear open for the conversation at the table. She tries to divide her attention equally between the gentleman on her left and the one on her right, while noting where at the table there are lulls in conversation. She then tries, when she can, to direct the conversation in a general way. Perhaps she will pose a question to someone who seems very silent in order to get him or her talking.

DEAR MISS VANDERBILT: In an old etiquette book I read elaborate, and to me silly, directions for "turning the table" when you have a dinner party. In this the hostess decides at what point she wants the conversation to change so that everyone talking will talk to someone else. So she breaks off the conversation with the man on her left and turns to the man on her right and starts another conversation, no matter what he has been talking about to the person on his right. This seems artificial, to say the least, and certainly not of this century. What do you think of it? Is it really still done? — Mrs. G. R., St. Paul, Minn.

Dear Mrs. G. R., St. Paul, Minn. —Not in this sense, according to a rigid formula. The hostess does at all times keep an ear open for the conversation at the table. She tries to divide her attention equally between the gentleman on her left and the one on her right, while noting where at the table there are lulls in conversation. She then tries, when she can, to direct the conversation in a general way. Perhaps she will pose a question to someone who seems very silent in order to get him or her talking.

Even though she is the conversation-steerer, the hostess should be careful not to interrupt a conversation which seems to be going very well just for the sake of "turning the table.” And it is annoying when someone in deep conversation with someone else is interrupted by the hostess to be asked, “Some more coffee?” She should wait for a pause in the conversation.

Over-assiduous hostesses can be point-killers and some in their anxiety to be good hostesses never seem to let their guests conclude a sentence. Sometimes it is the clear duty of the hostess not only to interrupt a conversation that is becoming unpleasant or acrimonious, but to be very firm about changing the subject. Her duty is to all of her guests. 

She might say, “I hate to interrupt, but perhaps we had better leave the politics until after we leave the table. I want you all to have a pleasant meal.” Traditionally, subjects to be avoided at the dinner table are: accidents, illness, religion, scandal and politics. — Amy Vanderbilt, 1968

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Centerpiece Etiquette and History

A thing of beauty, and social one-upmanship: An epergne, heavily laden with pineapples... an extravagant and expensive fruit in the Regency Era — “Fresh flowers were not used until the 19th century, but flowers of porcelain or silk often were part of the decoration in the 18th century. Because decorations were meant to show one’s status, rare, make-believe decorations were preferred. Large epergnes often were filled with fruit or dessert sweets in the center of the table. The 19th century hostess preferred fresh fruit, foliage and flower centerpieces. One writer suggested using a board for the table with a hole in the center. The hostess would place a tall plant beneath the hole so the leaves would form a large centerpiece.”

When Dinner-Party Centerpieces Spoke Volumes

Dinner-party decorations have been relatively unchanged for centuries. Many a hostess has been faced with a large, long table that had nothing in the center. The void has been filled with attractive vases, epergnes, figurines and fruit and flowers.

The 17th century table featured large and small platters of food. The platters, often made of silver or gold, helped to declare the wealth and importance of the host.

The food on the platters was prepared to be decorative. A cooked peacock was served with its colorful feathers adorning the platter, for instance. Some cooked animals were presented using their head and feet as decorations.

Fresh flowers were not used until the 19th century, but flowers of porcelain or silk often were part of the decoration in the 18th century. Because decorations were meant to show one’s status, rare, make-believe decorations were preferred.

Large epergnes often were filled with fruit or dessert sweets in the center of the table.

The 19th century hostess preferred fresh fruit, foliage and flower centerpieces.

One writer suggested using a board for the table with a hole in the center. The hostess would place a tall plant beneath the hole so the leaves would form a large centerpiece.

Other hostesses used high stands decorated with greenery and flowers.

Tables continued to have large centerpieces in the 20th century. Etiquette suggested that the arrangements should be low so the dinner guests could talk across the table. The wealthy arranged fruit or low flowers in silver bowls with decorations of three-dimensional cherubs or animals. Those with less money used simple bowls. — By Ralph and Terry Kovel, the Times, 1999

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia