Television Watching Etiquette

Is it proper for a guest to request a specific show or none at all? When is it all right for TV to be the focus of a social situation? May the television be on during dinner? What about the place of the remote control? What about the volume? —1983 Advertisement for televisions with their sale prices. 

Social propriety of television

MISS MANNERS — IS THERE SUCH a thing as television etiquette? My specific questions relate to TV watching and guests, visiting relatives and the role of the host. When is it proper for a host to ask for quiet from the visitors when watching TV? Does this depend on whether the visitors are relatives or other guests? Does it matter if the situation involves dinner, a casual visit or a transactional situation?

Is it proper for a guest to request a specific show or none at all? When is it all right for TV to be the focus of a social situation? May the television be on during dinner? What about the place of the remote control? What about the volume?

If someone has made an advance call and received permission to visit, and upon arrival is offered a refreshment, is the visitor required to accommodate him/herself to the TV show in progress? Is the regular TV watcher ever expected to alter his/her habits? Or should all socializing with the TV addict take into consideration this affliction?

What about reading and telephone addicts? Is there hope for socializing among people of different TV traditions?

GENTLE READER Not while that thing is on. Please turn it off so that we can converse. Conversation is, in fact, the chief feature (nicely supplemented by food and drink) of all social engagements unless another activity has been announced in advance. You can invite people to watch television or roller skate, play whist, paint the house, spin the bottle, stuff envelopes or but only if you specify the move the piano activity, so that the guest can plead a previous engagement to attend a funeral that day.

The host should be alert to setting the volume at an agreeable level and, unless the invitation specified the program to be watched, consider suggestions on what to watch.

Communal television watching has no point if it does not include the exchange of smart remarks. You can thus only shush people to the extent of saying something like “Hey, wait a minute, I think they're about to announce the results.”

Television watching should not be even an incidental part of any other visiting, unless during a visit that is either long a weekend or more or of such a frequent nature someone who drops by often that the actual socializing is intermittent. The same goes for reading or telephoning. You need not suspend your normal activities for someone who is always there, although Miss Manners assumes here the normal household politeness of checking to see that one is not interfering with the comforts of another.

Mind you, Miss Manners is not condemning the television addicts. All they need do to watch their program uninterrupted is to refrain from inviting people or from agreeing to visits that are proposed to them. She will even forgive them for saying “Oh, I'm so sorry, 8 tonight is a bad time for me I have a firm commitment then, and won't be free until quite late” instead of explaining why they always seem to be tied up during primetime. — By Miss Manners, aka Judith Martin, 1983

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Incompetent Help

An already bewildered maid is not rendered any the better by open reprimands, admonitions, orders or a series of frantic signals. She is much more likely to stumble, drop food and dishes and possibly burst into tears if reproved before guests, making them uncomfortable and agonizing the hostess.

Etiquette For the Hostess:

Among the laws of social usage called “etiquette” perhaps none is oftener broken or at least shaken than that demanding composure of manner in host and hostess where awkward or inexperienced help must be depended upon. An already bewildered maid is not rendered any the better by open reprimands, admonitions, orders or a series of frantic signals. She is much more likely to stumble, drop food and dishes and possibly burst into tears if reproved before guests, making them uncomfortable and agonizing the hostess. 

If the fish is served and its sauce is forgotten, if there is a mistake in pouring wine or filling the water goblets, or indeed, any such small mishaps, matters are not made any better by repeated corrections, veiled sarcasm or anything of the sort. One of the really simple rules of good breeding is followed by the hostess who never apologizes for commissions or omissions at her table. She may give orders to a nervous maid in a very, very low, gentle tone that will help to compose the frightened, awkward girl, and she makes the effort and is always successful to divert her guests and pays no attention seemingly to anything that goes wrong. 

The obligation that good form imposes upon guests in such cases is to assist the hostess in a quiet, considerate way. If in the serving of a dish it is discovered that It has been badly cooked or is in any way wrong it is far better to allow it to be served, unless it would be really harmful, than to send it back to the kitchen with a stern message to a possibly flustered, incompetent cook. Then guests can easily trifle with it, allowing that course to be as if it never was wrong in any way, laughing and talking about anything, everything that comes to mind. 

This helps out a worried hostess and makes for the pleasure of the assembled company. Apologies should never be offered if a long, awkward wait intervenes between courses. It becomes then the duty of host and hostess to appear entirely unconcerned and to keep the ball of conversation going as swiftly and gayly as possible. This is the composure of manner that must be cultivated if people wish to appear at ease, no matter what happens. Accidents are always apt to occur, and to accept them quietly is to show good breeding, which is etiquette. – San Pedro Pilot, 1913

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1930’s American Etiquette Advice

When corn on the cob is so large that it requires the support of both hands, it should be held in the nap-kin and broken. The proper way to eat it is to place enough salt, butter and pepper on it for one or two.

Grab Bag Hints on 1930’s Etiquette

If you have a friend visiting you and you are invited to a party, it is correct for you to call your host or hostess and ask permission to bring your friend with you.

Unless it is necessary to show the way, a hostess usually follows her guest into a room.

When corn on the cob is so large that it requires the support of both hands, it should be held in the napkin and broken. The proper way to eat it is to place enough salt, butter and pepper on it for one or two.

If at a dinner party there is one extra lady the hostess generally goes in by herself, following behind the last couple.

When a child eats with adults, he should not be forced to sit at the table while they linger over their coffee. However, he should be taught to excuse himself.

It is poor taste to "talk shop" unless one is with private friends or with persons engaged in the same trade or profession.

–From The Imperial Valley Press, 1930’s 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Good Form and Etiquette of 1914

If you are inviting friends who have visitors staying with them to your house, it is usual to include the visitors in the invitation except in the case of a dinner, when you need not necessarily do so.

• If you return to live in a neighborhood again after a long absence, call on all your friends without waiting for them to call on you first.
• If you are inviting friends who have visitors staying with them to your house, it is usual to include the visitors in the invitation except in the case of a dinner, when you need not necessarily do so. It is not necessary to call on them first, as they are only asked out of compliment to their hostess.
• If at a dinner party there is one extra lady, the hostess generally goes in by herself, following behind the last couple. 
• A hostess should always allow a visitor to enter the carriage before her when going for a drive. 
• When an engagement is announced write your congratulations or give them in person to the prospective bride and bridegroom as soon as possible. – Trinity Journal, 1914

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Privacy for House Guests

Even a hostess sometimes spoils the privacy of the loveliest of guest chambers by entering it too frequently with inquiries.

When the guest room has an occupant, the children of the household should consider it sacred and should never be allowed to enter or even to knock at its door without first consulting an older head. Even a hostess sometimes spoils the pleasures of the loveliest of guest chambers by entering it too frequently with inquiries. Over entertainment is really worse than none at all. One may assume that a guest may perhaps want to be alone when she seeks her room.–The Morning Union, 1915

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Novel 1915 Way to Match Partners

Matching seating partners at one’s dinner party is just as important as what foods will be served and every other detail that goes in to hosting a successful dinner party.

Matching Partners

 A good way to match partners at any social affair is the following: Get two kinds of a variety of candies – say two caramels, two chocolate drops, two peppermint sticks, two gumdrops, two butter scotches, etc… Pass one piece to the men and one to the women, and when candies are matched, partners will be found. Another good way is to match flowers or animal crackers. —The Morning Union, 1915

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Garden Party Etiquette

Lawn tennis, croquet, archery and, for those disinclined to active exertion, card tables, furnish sources of amusement at these picturesque assemblies. Sometimes a platform for dancing is provided, and a band of music is another pleasant feature of entertainment.

SOCIAL ETIQUETTE

Manners and Customs Practiced in Pollte Society

People in pretty country or suburban places can hardly devise a happier form of entertaining than the garden party. There may be a little awkwardness at first where people are unused to these parties. Without the accustomed shelter of a house, guests may feel a little forlorn and wander dismally about for a time, but a hostess of tact soon suggests forming parties for whatever sports or games are provided, and after the first stiffness is over any one can find congenial entertainment of some sort.

The garden party proper is held entirely in the open air. The hostess receives upon the lawn, wearing her hat or bonnet, and lady guests always wear bonnets. Upon arriving at the house guests are shown upstairs to lay aside wraps and brush off dust, if they wish to, and are then shown to where the hostess is receiving. It is proper for a lady to ask for an invitation for a friend to a party that is to be entirely out of doors, as there will always be plenty of room. 

Still no lady should take offense if such a request is not granted, as a hostess may have excellent reasons for refusing. Lawn tennis, croquet, archery and, for those disinclined to active exertion, card tables, furnish sources of amusement at these picturesque assemblies. Sometimes a platform for dancing is provided, and a band of music is another pleasant feature of entertainment.

These parties are sometimes conducted on the principle of an afternoon tea. The hostess receives in the house, the guests then wander through the grounds and return to the house for refreshments when fatigued. This is a modification of the garden party which meets with approbation from the timid, the elderly and the rheumatic, and is less troublesome to the entertainer than serving refreshments on the lawn. Where grounds are ample and handsome, the garden party proper, however, is a beautiful and enjoyable affair. – The Humboldt Times, 1887

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Who is Served Dinner First? Why?

There is a very practical reason why we sometimes show greater courtesy by serving the hostess first. In a complicated dinner service, there may be some dishes unfamiliar to the guest of honor. Perhaps there are to be French artichokes and she has never happened to eat them before. Perhaps, too, there are many forks laid at each place and the guest of honor does not know with which one to eat her first course. It is to obviate such embarrassment that very many persons –and I claim myself among them – advocate the less old-fashioned service. 

“I have contended that the hostess should be served first,” writes a reader who asks for information on the correct serving of dinner. “But I am in doubt as to who next.” I agree with this reader that the hostess should be served first, but there is good authority for the other usage – that of first serving the woman at the host’s right – always the woman guest of honor, of course. The underlying reason for this older fashioned custom is the idea of unselfishness that is at the base of most courtesy. Even savages and barbarians honor their guests by serving them first; so it would seem that there was no question about the etiquette of following that rule in serving dinner. 

There is a very practical reason, however, why we sometimes show greater courtesy nowadays by serving the hostess first. In a complicated dinner service, there may be some dishes unfamiliar to the guest of honor. Perhaps there are to be French artichokes and she has never happened to eat them before. Perhaps, too, there are many forks laid at each place and the guest of honor does not know with which one to eat her first course. It is to obviate such embarrassment that very many persons –and I claim myself among them – advocate the less old-fashioned service. 

At a small family dinner, it is usual to serve the woman guest of honor immediately after the hostess. Many persons then serve the other women present, and this is a good enough plan. It is sometimes more convenient and just as courteous to serve straight down one side of the table. When a servant is passing anything, this, of course, is the only way to proceed. At a large dinner, where more than one servant is waiting, it is usual for the first course to serve the hostess and the woman at the host's right simultaneously, and from thence down the sides of the table, the two servants going in opposite directions. In serving the second course, the hostess and the woman at the host’s left are served at the same time, and from thence again down the sides of the table.

Then there is another reason why the custom of serving the hostess or host first has grown up, though as an actual motive it would surely have no part in the service of a present day dinner party. Sometimes, among the Kings and nobles of old, the guest might have reason to hesitate to eat the food or drink the wine his host has set before him. To tempt a guest to partake of a specially prepared dish, was one of the gentlest ways known of terminating the career of a political opponent. When a subject first tasted the viand he had prepared for the King, or first sipped the wine, that Monarch might feel reasonable security in following suit.  

In a small family dinner, it is usual to serve the woman guest of honor immediately after the hostess, and the woman at the host’s right, simultaneously. Many then serve the rest of the women present, and from thence down opposite sides of the table, serving men and women as they come. In a simple home dinner where no servant assists, the most convenient way of proceeding is to pass the dishes from the one who serves to the end of the table. That is, if the host carves, he passes the first plate down one side of the table to the hostess. The next plate is passed down the other side to the person at the hostess’ right, the next plate to the person at the hostess’ left, and so on, until the persons at the host’s right and left hand are served. – Mrs. Elizabeth Thompson, 1918

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Coffee Klatch Etiquette

The etiquette of the Coffee Klatch consists mainly of being glad you have friends to share your coffee cakes with. On a large tray, place coffee pot, cups, creamer and sugar bowl, enough small plates and small napkins.

Invite Your Friends to a Coffee Party 

By Mrs. Penrose Lyly

Coffee Klatches must have been invented by genial angels. A pot of sparkling coffee, a bowl of glistening sugar, thick cream and a ring of coffee cake fresh from the oven and a few friends, of course, when the winter day darkens to a cold, brisk night, no man or woman has a right to expect more from the kindly gods. 

The etiquette of the Coffee Klatch consists mainly of being glad you have friends to share your coffee cakes with. On a large tray, place coffee pot, cups, creamer and sugar bowl, enough small plates and small napkins. Light your living room fire and put the tray on a small table near it. Draw as many comfortable chairs as you have guests around the coffee table and then snuggle down for a grand afternoon. 

The Coffee Klatch, when held along the lines described above, is a lot like the traditional afternoon tea, of course except that you don't serve any tea. For that very reason, perhaps, you'll find it a welcome change in your entertainment routine. And you might find, too, that it creates a slightly different atmosphere than the afternoon tea creates; less conducive to gossip, more productive of  “homey” comfort. – Every Week Magazine, 1933

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Women’s New Year Glove Etiquette

There is no hand clasp like the bare one. In one's own home, the extended hand should be gloveless.

Edwardian Etiquette for Gloves 

and the New Year

It is in the height of etiquette to go without gloves at the New Year reception, for there is no hand clasp like the bare one. In one's own home, the extended hand should be gloveless. Still, there are hostesses who wear long gloves New Year's day, and for them there are the gloves with handsomely trimmed tops. 

There is this about the long glove— that it comes well up toward the shoulder and sort of dresses up the arm and is becoming. Another has a top trimmed with applique put on to make a still upper part. A third has a lace top with the kid cut out underneath the lace, while there is another style that has the embroidered top, the roses coming out in full relief of color against the kid background. It is difficult to purchase such gloves ready made, but they can be ordered to match one's costume. – San Francisco Call, December, 1901

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia